The Sani-Can Blues
A Flint Steel Musical One-Act Play
Written by Gideon Elrod
Words by Ali Cat
Music by Pat Poemeroy
Stage Manager: Joe Attenasio
Scenery painted by: Sherry One
Directed by Don George
Stage-Choreographed by: Nik89 and Michael Atkinson
Soundtrack Availiable on Tuppa Records
All Photographs by M. Amber Conrad
Flint Steel, the Singing Lumberjack: Mike Molty
Uncle Dibby: Bob Macmaster
Miss Bitty, the Barmaid: Foxy Glover
Slim, the Camp Clown: Bruce Kay
Bruno, the tavern’s owner: Wil Ber
Zeke the Lumberjack: Cy Berdude
Featuring: The Happy Limber-Tones Male Choir
The scene: a logging camp presided over by Flint Steel; Bruno, the Tavern Owner, has been lured here because the logging camp has decided to cash in on the lumberjacks almost insatiable thirst for grog and demon rum, and decided to open their own onsite tavern, The Happy Jacker. Miss Bitty, the Barmaid has been hired, and is little more than eye candy for the lumberjacks, but believes it’s her job to teach the boys manners. Uncle Dibby has been hired by Bruno as the bouncer for The Jacker.
Inside The Happy Jacker one night after work:
Flint Steel, singing, to Miss Bitty: “Oh, I sure could use a fresh cold one down here, next time you happen near!"
Miss Bitty says loudly: “I can’t hear you with all the noise the other ‘jacks are making!
Flint Steel , singing: “Oh, they’re just blowing off a little steam, give them a break!”
Slim, the Camp Clown: “From what I’ve heard about some of them, steam isn’t the only thing some of them are blowing!”
Miss Bitty: “Eh, ha!”
Flint Steel, singing: “Hey now, there’s no reason to say such things!”
Bruno, overhearing: “Hey, I’m running a respectable place here! Eh, ha, ha!”
Uncle Dibby: “Yeah, eh, ha!”
The Happy Limber-Tones Male Choir, singing: “Eh, ha--eh, ha!”
Flint Steel, singing: “No, I’m serious; we don’t need those kind of comments around here!”
The Happy Limber-Tones Male Choir, singing: “No he’s serious; you’d better shut your yap!”
Miss Bitty: “You got that, boys? Keep your thoughts to yourselves, and keep your coc--”
Flint Steel, singing: “Hey, now, that kind of language is just what I mean!”
Miss Bitty: “What, I was only going to say ‘keep your cockeyed comments to yourselves!” is all!”
Uncle Dibby: “Eh, ha, ha!
The Happy Limber-Tones Male Choir: “Keep your cockeyed comments to yourself; eh, ha--eh, ha!”
Uncle Dibby suddenly grabs a lumberjack, pulls him from his chair, and proceeds to beat him senseless
Flint Steel, singing: “Why did you do that; what’s the deal?”
Uncle Dibby: “I caught him stealing silver wear!”
Zeke the Lumberjack, groggily trying to shake off Uncle Dibby’s beating : “I didn’t steal anything!”
Uncle Dibby: “Oh no? I saw you put that knife back on the table!”
Zeke the Lumberjack: “I dropped it, and was putting it back on the table!”
Uncle Dibby: “Oh; I figured you were going to steal it, but chickened out and changed your mind, and with the way you were staring at the table, it would only be a matter of time before you tried again!”
Zeke the Lumberjack: “Well, Mr. Sleuth, I’ll have you know I’m near sighted, and have difficulty seeing anything close up; I forgot my glasses back in my tent!”
Uncle Dibby: “Well, how in the hell was I supposed to know that?”
The Happy Limber-Tones Male Choir, singing: “Yeah, how the hell, how the hell?”
Miss Bitty: “I sincerely hope it was all a misunderstanding, because stealing is wrong, and sooner or later, your conscience would catch up to you!”
She is then the target of many rude comments from the lumberjacks, among them Zeke.
Zeke the Lumberjack: “I dropped a quarter; could you please bend over and grab it for me, thanks!”
The curtain falls, and rises to Flint Steel closing the door to a sani-can door.
Flint Steel, singing: “Boy, after all those beers, I really had to go! Thank goodness these are set up all around the camp!”
The Happy Limber-Tones Male Choir: “He really had to squirt; Just think, these, what if they weren’t?”
Flint Steel finishes his business, zips up, washes his hands, and tries to leave
Flint Steel, singing: “Okay, very funny! You’ve had a good laugh, now open this door!”
He hears nothing but silence
Flint Steel, singing, and fighting rising panic: “Oh s**t, the fricking door is jammed, and here I am, claustrophobic! I’ve got to get out, I’ve got to get out!”
He start’s beating wildly upon the door, singing/screaming, “Somebody, get me out of here!”
Still, he hears nothing but silence. In a frenzy of fear, he starts throwing himself at the door, the sani-can starts rocking dangerously. After a few more jolts from Flint Steel, the sani-can tips, and crashes sideways to the ground, and the impact flings open the door.
Flint Steel, singing: “Whew!, It’s good to be out in the cold night air! What? Why am I all wet? S**t!”
The contents of the toilet are all over him. Then, he hears group laughter.
The Happy Limber-Tones Male Choir: “Ha, they locked him in by wedging a screwdriver across the handle, preventing it from opening, because they knew of his fear of enclosed spaces; ha, ha!”
Flint Steel, seeing the whole camp pointing at him and laughing, singing: “You b*****s; this is not cool! I’m standing here dripping, looking like a fool!”
Uncle Dibby; “Yeah, it’s not funny at all; eh, ha!”
The Happy Limber-Tones Male Choir, singing: “Oh that’s rich, considering it was your idea!”
Uncle Dibby, looking pissed: “Screw you, limp-wrists!”
Flint Steel, singing: “So, it was Uncle Dibby, huh?”
Uncle Dibby: “Okay, but I didn’t expect some twinklers, who can’t even be seen by the audience, to nark!”
Flint Steel, singing: “I’m pissed!
Uncle Dibby: “Gee, that’s too fricken bad! I didn’t mean to unleash the fury monster that is, Flint Steel!”
Flint Steel, singing: “Why, I oughta...”
Uncle Dibby, interrupting: “Bring it on! I’ve wanted to kick your a** for a long time now!” and he raises his fists
The Happy Limber-Tones Male Choir, singing: “Bring it on, he’ll kick your a**!”
A suddenly-wary Flint Steel, singing: “Oh, I was just kidding, can’t you see? Your friendship means the world to me!”
Miss Bitty: “See men? They resolved their differences without coming to blows!”
Zeke the Lumberjack: “Funny you should mention blows! How about if you....”
© Copyright 2016 Mike Stevens. All rights reserved.