By Mike Stevens
An Elvis Kidd/Sir Robert Tale
Elvis Kidd was just glad to be out of jail and away from those complete bastards from Slopehead Nightgaurd, or whatever they were called. He thought it was Sledgehammer Nightmare, but he was doing his best to forget. Now, it was time to get his band, Vengeance Squared, out on the road. It was the next phase of his two-pronged plan to get the name Vengeance Squared known throughout the country. Prong One was touring, and Prong Two was...well, he didn’t really have another prong, but it sounded better than having only one prong! He had booked a show at the Silver City Fair, but the only problem was, there wasn’t enough money to rent their own touring bus, so they were on a Road Coach bus. At least they were on the road!
Sir Robert Timkins was thinking hard about what they should do now that their tour bus had broken down miles from their next intended tour stop, in Silver City. They just had to make it and play. They had momentum after they had gone over incredibly, almost unbelievably, well at their last concert. His band, Sledgehammer Nightmare, would probably never sound better, so he had sold everything he owned, and some things others owned, and paid to rent a tour bus. Then he had called every place he could think of, and lied through his teeth, telling them he was a famous rock star in a famous rock band. He had booked several gigs. He figured that, sure he was lying, but once they heard The Hammer, they’d be duly impressed, and forget all about the deceit. He was trying to figure out what their next move should be, and watching white clouds of steam roil out from their overheated radiator, when the answer to their problem came over the hill.
They were almost to Silver City. Elvis Kidd watched as the sun sank in the east. Just a few more miles. Suddenly, a vehicle, from which a gray cloud of steam headed skyward, appeared on the side of the freeway ahead. A guy was frantically waving his arms, and the bus slowed and came to a stop next to the broken-down bus. Elvis looked at his watch and saw they were scheduled to play in a couple of hours. He felt bad for whomever had broken down, but it was critical Vengeance Squared arrive in Silver City, on time. He slumped down in his seat, and tried his best to get some rest. After all, they were almost there, and he may as well use this unexpected break to get some rest.
Sir Robert Timkins was waving frantically for the bus to stop. When the bus signaled, slowed, and pulled up to where their bus was sitting motionless, he let himself relax, just a little. The driver asked,
“What seems to be the trouble?”
Sir Robert answered, “Our tour bus is broken down, and we’re due in Silver City to play a concert in a couple of hours. Do you think you could give us a lift?”
“Sure, hop on board.”
Elvis Kidd had his eyes shut, but he heard the conversation between the bus driver and one of the stranded motorists. It sounded like; no, it couldn’t be; also going to Silver City? His eyes snapped open, and watched as the stranded band started to climb the steps; then he watched with disbelieving eyes as the first guy, and the bane of his existence, climbed on board!
Sir Robert told the other members of Sledgehammer Nightmare to grab their stuff, and climb on board the Road Coach bus; that the driver had agreed to give them a lift. He himself only had his microphone, so he grabbed an extra guitar and climbed aboard. As he marched past the driver, he said,
“Thanks man; you’re a life-save---.” The rest of what he was going to say died away as the face of Elvis Kidd appeared in one of the seats ahead. His mind was racing as he walked past the bastard, and sank into an open seat. What the hell was HE doing here?
Slowly, it dawned on the other members of Vengeance Squared just who was marching by them in the aisle. Grumbling filled the air, and soon the two bands were toe-to-toe, and Elvis demanded,
“What the hell are you losers doing here?”
Sir Robert, recovering from his initial shock, answered, “We were on our way to play a concert in Silver City, when our tour bus broke down, and of all the dumb bastards to stop to help us, it’s the bus carrying Captain Loser and The Loser-etts!”
Suddenly, an anguished cry filled the air as Elvis attacked in a fit of rage. “Why, you fricking bastard; watch who you’re calling a loser, loser!”
That served as a signal to the others to unleash their outrage. The aisles of the bus were suddenly filled with flying fists and screaming, as the two bands attacked each other.
As Elvis Kidd and Sir Robert watched the bus pull away in a cloud of black diesel exhaust, each shot the other a harrowing look of disgust. Each blamed the other for getting them all kicked off the bus.
“Well, look what you did!” shouted Elvis Kidd.
“Me?” answered Sir Robert venomously. “Don’t try to pin this on me, when it was your fault, you throbbing pric--”
Suddenly, fresh fighting broke out among the two bands, as Elvis launched himself at Sir Robert, trying to grab him around the throat.
© Copyright 2016 Mike Stevens. All rights reserved.
Book / Humor
Book / Humor
Book / Humor
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