The Struggles of My Life

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

Rough draft of my life story

Since I was a kid all I could remember were the fights my parents had. During each fight i would always blame myself for some reason as if I was the cause of their issues. Mainly because it seemed like my father didn't love me, as he always called me names, picked on me, and hit me when stuff would go wrong.
 
Growing up I always felt left out and pretty much a loner. I didn't have many friends and I didn't feel normal. I grew a special bond with my mom who I became very close to during my child hood. At some point during my younger ages, prior to when I was 10, I believe, I wanted to kill myself because I felt so different. I knew then I was gay but dealing with that on top of my father hating me, from what it seemed like to me, it was all to hard to deal with. 
 
I remember one day going to school and telling a teacher I wanted to die and I threaten to cut myself with a pair of scissors in front of the class. This caused me to be sent to the school guidance counselor. They asked why I felt the way I did. I told them everything I was dealing with inside which caused me to be taken to a hospital. I was taken to a hospital in Pittsburg pa, where I was forced to stay. I remember hating my mom and not wanting to see her for allowing me to be forced to stay at a hospital. I cried for days not wanting to leave my hospital room and participate with the rest of the kids. I was able to finally leave my room and started to get to know the other kids there. I found that many of them dealt with the same issues I was, which made me feel so welcome and at home. During arts and crafts many of the girls made me things to keep as a memory of being there with them. I remember leaving sooner than most and saying my good byes to my new friends. Which I didn't want to go because I felt so at peace with other people like me. 
 
A few years later my mom decided to leave my father. She did this while I was not home and while I was visiting the only person I was truly close to, my grandma, Geneva boling (my fathers mom). Every summer, from the time I could remember, I would spend it at her house. I remember always using my parents cells phones after certain hours to call and talked to her, cause it was free after like 8pm back then, and tell her about my day. One summer when I was 12 my dad showed up telling my mom left and moved away. All I could think of was how hurt I was my mom would leave me behind, leaving me with the man who has hurt me so much in my life. I felt so lost and hurt, as she was my only true friend I had and I thought she loved me. 
 
Then while dealing with, what felt like the loss of my mom, I was faced with something difficult. One night while with a close friend, they thought I was sleeping, and began to touch me. At first I didn't know how to react I wanted to stop but I was scared I would lose my friend to. This continued for months and even years where we would do things sexually together. At first I felt scared and afraid and it just became something I was numb to. I didn't see it feel anything from it beside getting off, but I still felt within me it wasn't ok. I was at the age I wanted to explore my sexuality as I felt from a long long time ago I was gay but never knew how. As much as this event hurt it helped me discover my true self and who I was and what I wanted. My friend never meant to hurt me or to cause any harm he to wanted to explore his sexuality and felt it was safe to do that with me. But anyways let's move on to a new subject. 
 
Since I was sick with my dad, him and I slowly grew a bond together, mainly because he gave me anything i wanted, which was kind of like how he treated my little brother. My little brother was with my mom and he couldn't see or have him so he spoiled me for the time being. That all seemed to change quickly when his girlfriend, my step mom now, ended up pregnant. At first things seemed ok but after the baby was born my dad went back to his same ways of hurting me, mentally and sometimes physically (breaking things or hitting stuff). By this time I was old enough to join the police explorer program with the Maryland state police. I was about 15 years old. I wanted to do something that got me out of the house and away from the stress. 
 
I would still spend my summers with my grandma, Geneva, which allowed me and my uncle, Phillip Boling, to become very close. So close that Phillip even tried to adopt me as his own kid. While I spent time with my grandma during the summers my uncle would take me to do things and pay for things stuff I needed for the explorer program. I remember him taking me on a motorcycle trip that lasted for several days. It was the most amazing time I had growing up. Staying at hotels and eating pizza and watching movies. I felt so happy and loved. A part of me wanted my uncle to be my father. But I knew that would never happen which hurt because my uncle loved me just for who I was and I felt happy around him and his wife. They even took me to the store his wife's family owned to teach me how to help out. Philip always talked about how they, him and his wife, would one day own it and they would want to teach me so one day they would pass it along to me. It felt good for once to be recognize for something like that. It seemed like every other week on Friday night during the summer Phillip would come get me from my grandmothers and take me to do stuff, like seeing a movie, going to the mall, shooting guns, and hanging out watching awesome old movies. Our favorite movie we watched, which its a long one, is the movie called The Perfect Storm. It's a Stephen King movie I do believe. Either way it was nice to just feel happy. I remember one day while driving back to my grandmothers my uncle stopped to ask a trooper where the state police barracks was that I would volunteer  at. If it wasn't for him doing that I never would have started helping out at the Maryland State Police Forestville Barrack "L". 
 
I ended up growing a great bound with all the troopers there and even the commander and assistant command, Bonnie and Rodney Morris. No they were not married just happen to have the same last names. I ended up making a nice home there with everyone that worked there. So I had more reasons to want to be down at my grandmas house as much as possible. 
 
While in 9th and 10th grade I became close friends with a local business owner. She was also friends with my explorer advisor so we all became friends. Both Gwin (business owner) and Ron (trooper) were my closest friends while in high school. Even then I was so independent and did what I could for the things I wanted. I worked for Gwin under the table catching shoplifters in the store. She paid for my drivers lessons, drivers license, bought me cloths, and my first cell phone. To this day I still have that cell phone as it's the greatest memory of my friendship. 
 
While in high school I didn't play sports at all and didn't socialize. Hell I never went to a party or was even invited. I guess because I was always volunteering with the police they didn't want me around. It seemed like the only thing I was good at was making people laugh. Lunch was my favorite time of day because it was 40 mins of nothing but everyone at my table laughing including teachers who had to watch the lunch room. But other than being a clown that pretty much all I did in school. 
 
One day I found out about the school Mock Trail team, so I joined it. I remember that was the greatest time I had because we went to an actual court house to fight against other schools. There was a prosecutor and defense. Since I always wanted to be a cop I always was the prosecutor. However to be a better prosecutor I had to know how to defend so I was able to do both sides. I remember the case, which was a real case, about a teen boy who crashed his car head on into someone else and killed passengers in both vehicles.  He blood alcohol level was .15 I believe. Anyways I remember during on trail I had to fill in for the defense for our school. When the competing school went to enter the blood results as evidence i objected. The judge, which was a regular attorney playing a judge, asked for my grounds. I pointed out the nurse at the hospital used an alcohol based whip to clean the skin prior to the blood drawl, which means the tip of the needle went over alcohol covered skin, then blood went though that contaminated alcohol needle tip which effect the results. The judge had this shocked look on his face and stated he would have to agree with me and threw out the blood results which meant we pretty much won the case. After the trail he pulled me aside and asked if I plan to attend law school, which I told him law is my passion but I rather be a please officer. The lawyer said if I changed my mind to call and he would love to help me through school. It felt amazing to be great at something and from that day forward I was always helping the other kids in mock trail with how to object and different rules. 
 
At the end of my 10th grade year my dad decided to move to PA. I hated having to leave the friends I did have and having to start over again. After being there a few months i just wanted to leave. I wanted to be home in District Heights Maryland, with my grandma. I found out one day the high school offered a program for kids to go to school at night. So I requested to attend during the day for my 11th grade and take my 12th grade classes at night. The school fought me and wanted to refuse me access. My dad and step mom Jen had to meet with the principle. Where he told them he felt I would end up being a loser and wouldn't make it in life. Jen told me my dad laughed and said when my son wants something he will do anything to get it and he has a plan for his life. He told them I planned to join the Maryland state police as a dispatcher. The principle didn't like me because I knew the rules and put him in his place once. I remember a girl in class was saying something about me so I called her a bitch cunt and was sent to the office. I remember him asking me if it was true what I said in class and of course I told him it was. There was no point in lying everyone heard it and I don't lie. When he asked why he should suspended me, I responded with if I get suspended everyone who packed a lunch today and have it in their lockers should also be in trouble. As it stated in the school handbook students can't have food or drinks in their lockers at all. When he said that was not true I quickly showed him where it was locked. He state speechless and then told me to go back to class. Every since that day he hated me, but school knew they couldn't refuse me this option or they would be sued. So I was granted permission to take my senior classes at night. For the rest of the year I attended school early in the morning till late in the evening. When I was finally done I was told I couldn't walk across the stage with the class of 2006 I would have to come back and walk with the class of 2007 which I was suppose to graduate with. I honestly didn't care just wanted to get my Diploma and leave. But I was going to go back and shove my success in my schools face come 2007. 
 
I move to my grandmas house where I always felt was home, and started the hiring process for the state police. It took several months until I was hired. When I was hired in and went to the selection process I was ranked to be best qualified for the position that I was hiring for. I remember the day that I was supposed to start a blizzard came in to Maryland and prevented my start date until February 14, 2007. I started my employment with the Maryland State police on Valentine's Day. By the time I started my job as a police communications operator I already knew what I was doing as I volunteer doing this as an explorer. I believe I was the youngest police communications operator the Maryland State police is ever hired, at the age of 18 I was responsible for the lives of several officers and responsible for entering important information into the National crime information Center also known as NCIC. As a dispatcher for the state police I was responsible for receiving 911 calls while maintaining radio traffic and running criminal histories on suspect stopped by the police. 
 
I was very proud of my job and what I've become at such a young age. When it was time to walk across stage in 2007 I put in a request for leave at the Maryland State police. I drove back to Shippensburg Pennsylvania to ensure that I walked across that stage to prove a point to my school and to my principal I did became something more than what he thought. When I arrived I was told that even if I was late just for one minute for any of the practice ceremonies I would be disqualified to walk across stage. I could tell at this moment my school was intentionally trying to find a reason not to allow me to walk across stage with the rest of the class. They were already upset with the matter that I was allowed access to attend my senior classes at night and I was able to graduate high school or year early. I didn't allow their threats to keep me from participating, and influence me to work even harder to prove them wrong. As weird as it was my tassel said 2007 however my diploma said 2006? It made me laugh inside knowing that my diploma set I graduated in 2006 however my tassel on my graduation says 2007. It made me laugh that day when I arrive for the ceremony because my principal who bash me so much during the meeting with my parents, was driving such an older car. As I arrived in a 2007 Chevy and Impala brand-new. I showed up to school for the practice ceremonies and a better car than the principal had. For me that was the my kiss my ass stage the stage where I told the school and anyone else who doubted me that I was something special.
 
Around this same time, I was still 18 going on 19, I started to talk to guys online. I was up for the challenge of dating. While visiting my mom who lived in Manheim pa. I met this cute guy who was adorable and worked at a hair salon up the street. So we started to talk and got really involved with each other. I would drive up to PA just to spend my days off work with him. I liked him a lot, not really love just a nice connection. I remember this because this was the same time I decided to come out to my family. I told my friend Stacey, trooper I worked with, first about my sexuality as we are such amazingly close friends. She was also my supervisor. That gave me the strength to call my mom and tell her I was gay. I was shaking so badly because I didn't know how she would react, plus I didn't wanna do it over the phone. Since she lived in PA it wasn't like I could drive over. After I told her I was gay she started to cry, not like those mother who cry because she is upset and disappointed that I was gay. She cried because she was hurt I couldn't tell her the moment I knew and felt scared to tell her. She felt that as a mom she failed me and fail to make me know it's ok for me to tell her anything. Well every since that day I do tell here everything and I mean stuff she probably doesn't wanna know. 
 
One day I left my eye glasses at my boyfriends hair salon and I needed my step mom to pick them up for me. So when I asked her to do this I had to tell her something before she went. As the guy I was dating was pretty flamboyant I rather me tell her I was gay before she met him and figured it out. My step mom didn't say much besides she already knew from the time she met me when I was 13 and her and my cousin Dana had a bet going. I thought that was kind of funny but I still wasn't ready to tell my father at all. My step mom promised to keep it a secret. About a week or so I was at my boyfriends house in PA and we were getting ready for a Halloween party at his co workers house. I get a phone call from my step mom upset and saying how sorry she was, I asked what happened. Jen, my step mom, stated that while with my dad in the car he was cracking his usual jokes and made a comment about me being a fag, which he didn't know he just always called me and brother fags a lot. Jen said she slipped and thought he knew and said "who told you" and as soon as she said that he looked at her and pulled the car over in shock. It was pretty much what I feared he wasn't happy nor did he expect it. He wouldn't talk to me and didn't wanna see me for a few days. I stopped by their house before going to get ready for the Halloween party and he didn't even wanna look at me. It was like my childhood all over again. I was so upset and sad but not at my step mom she didn't mean to do that. 
 
So I left and went to the party. It started off great and I never really drank before, due to not being 21, and I decided I would drink. The girl there was slipping me a bunch of buttery nipples and I was loving it. I was pretty much trashed and it was this time my boyfriend decided to dump me at the party. So I tried to leave and drive home, but his friend/boss Justin and his partner drove me in my car and took me back to my dads as his house was closer. I didn't wanna go there and cried and cried because he didn't love me and didn't care about me. I remember them pulling up and I got out the car and ran down the road, mind you im dressed in a full leprechaun costume in all, crying and then I just laid in the road. I was crying for my mom because she was the only one that still loved me. My step mom and mom tried to tell my dad to go out and get me but he wouldn't. So finally after talking to me my step mom and Justin got me inside the house and I laid on the floor with my little brother. I was still crying and so upset and I finally fell asleep. Things didn't go over that well with my father and I for a while after that and he seemed distant and didn't wanna be apart of my life. 
 
After a while I tried talking to people again, which one person I met invited me to a club called town in DC. Me and the person that invited me didn't get along all that well however I did enjoy myself at the club. I met one of the famous dry cleans their known as Shi-Queeta Lee. This is the first person I ever met and introduce myself to that was gay. Shi-Queeta Lee treated me like someone special like a son. Every time I would go to the club I would Watch her perform give tips and enjoy myself. However one night during Halloween I met someone named Trevor. He was watching me dance on the floor, the second floor of the club. And before I left he asked for my number. I never thought anything would grow from this however it did. Trevor and I communicated for several days before we finally decided to meet up in person again, kind of like a date. So far it seems to of gone well. But like me I'm so protective but I thought there was something else behind what he was doing. Trevor and I ended up dating for several years I do believe it was about 2 1/2 years. I even wanted to marry him I felt that he was the person I wanted to spend my life with. Even though knowing there were a lot of things he lied to me about I still loved him still cared for him and I still wanted to share my life with him.
 
While struggling with my relationship with Trevor one night him and I were together. I received a phone call, from a the city police officer several towns away. This officer told me that one of my coworkers, Wesley Brown, was shot and killed while working at an Applebee's. This was devastating to me because Wesley Brown and I always had work-related issues together. However he was such a sweet individual and so caring but he would let anyone decent go with a warning. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and I remember that night very vividly. Trevor and I were upstairs in my new apartment and my grandmas house, and I received a phone call while we were watching television. The phone call consisted of a city police officer telling me amounts a trooper was shot and killed but working at Applebee's. I remember telling Trevor I'm sorry but I have to leave and I can take you with me but I have to go to find out what's going on. I left my house in such a hurry, my heart was racing and I had goosebumps all over my body I didn't know who was shot at this point but once I arrived to stay police barracks I found out that it was Wesley Brown. I remember asking the dispatchers where he was transported to, and they advised he was taken to Prince Georges County Hospital, PGH. I'm running out the back side door into my car and pushing my engine and transmission as hard as I can to get to PGH as fast as possible. It wasn't sure if trooper Brown was dead or alive or fighting for his life, for when I arrive to the waiting room of the main lobby I will stop by Prince Georges County police officers. At the same time as my arrival other troopers began to arrive to the location that were off that day. We all try to find our way into the lobby area so that we could be with the family of trooper Wesley Brown while they waited to find out the results of his injuries. After arguing with the county police we were granted access to the area of where trooper Wesley Brown's family was, which we then learned by medical staff there trooper Wesley Brown died of his injuries. 
 
I remember the so vividly because the Maryland State police has been nothing but a family to me. Since I was dealing with issues with my current boyfriend in dealing with the loss of a fellow coworker it was hard to balance. I didn't want to be around my actual family I wanted to be around my work family. I want to try and do all I can to make up for the wrongdoings I've done. Trevor couldn't understand the reason why I wanted to have space. I wanted space from him as I was dealing with such a great loss and not sure how to handle it. During the time of the loss of Wesley Brown Trevor and I ended our relationship. It wasn't easy for me as I loved him dearly I may not have shown it as much as I should have, but I didn't I thought he was the love of my life, I wanted to spend my life with him, I wanted to do anything I could for him and his family. However something just wasn't there we ended things and I thought it would patch back together but it never did. Even after trying for several years searching for someone better than him and not being able to find anyOne better than him.
 
During this same time my father and I grew a bond together deeper than we have ever had. It took a few years my father to realize what my worth was to him. For several years after I moved out I would continue to drive to Pennsylvania and help him and my stepmom out with anything they needed. Even after working a midnight shift I would drive up there to help talk to my dad with my stepmom if they had issues so that way nothing would happen and things he gets moved over. This cause my father I to grow such an amazing bond. I remember when he started to design his room, man cave, I wanted to get him something special. I remember as a kid growing up my father would always listen to Howard Stern, so I wrote a deep letter to Howard Stern asking him for an autograph photo for my father. In that letter I expressed to Howard the relationship between my father and how it's improved and how much it would mean to me to have such an amazing gift to give to him to hang in his man cave. A few weeks later I received a photograph in the mail from Howard Stern sign an address to my father, I took it with me when I drove to Pennsylvania to help them install hardwood floor into his room. To this day the photo still in my dad's man cave. I keep coming out for me was easier than it is for most people however the only person in my family that seem to of taking it hard was my father. I think that's kind of what drove us even further apart at first, but now it doesn't bother him well at least it doesn't appear to. But either way we can joke about it now and our bond is so strong today. 
 
Into 2011 my life changed forever. While visiting my mom and several family members in Arizona during the month of November and 2011 I received a phone call from my stepmom Jen, advising me that my uncle Phillip whom I was the closest to ever died. My stepmom advise me that Philip pulled a gun on police officers and attempts to have him shoot and kill him. All I can remember while driving down the road in Arizona was I need to call my grandmother. When I called her she seems so calm and so in shock however moments later she screamed that she wanted me home and it pains me to hear her and pained me to not be there. I couldn't believe what I was told was even true I called my mom in hysterics after receiving a phone call from my stepmom. I told my mom I need to go home as soon as possible and that my uncle had died. Philip was like my father it was someone I looked up to someone who loved someone I would do anything for. It was so hurtful because Philip and I had a falling out when I first started working for the state police. Philip will stop by the police and arrest for DUI and when he wanted me to try and take care of the charges I couldn't. That caused him and I do have serious issues between each other. It wasn't the same not having him in my life but it didn't feel well for him to blame me for his own actions. Prior to going to my moms Phillip tried to kill himself before. However family called me and asked me to go and stop him. I remember I was at the Apple store in Pentagon city Virginia when I received a phone call from my aunt Debbie Phillips sister requesting me to go to was house to stop them from doing something stupid. I remember rushing out of the mall and driving as fast as I could while calling the county police to trying get them to his house to standby with him until I arrive. I was grateful of the County police officer stood by and waited for me at a courtesy since I was an employee with the Maryland state police.
 
My uncle Phillip at this time decided that he wanted to try and fix what was broken between us. He brought movies over for us to watch however I didn't give them the time of day. In fact when he talked about someone coming to get him and my other uncle told him that he wasn't able to because he was busy with something and made me so upset. I told my Uncle Phillip that my uncle Mark refused to go to pick him up as he was helping his friend. However I left everything I was doing in Virginia and drove over an hour and a half at 100 miles an hour to his house to prevent him from killing himself. I could see my uncle Philip sizes that when he learned his brother wasn't willing to drop everything to help him it was very hard for him to hear. At one point he decided he wanted to go back home and didn't want to stay at my grandmothers house anymore. This was after I told him what my uncle Mark did to him.
 
I got on an airplane that night and flew back home. I remember during the flight home my uncle Phillip, several months before, sent me a card for my birthday. Which I thought I had read it, but once I got home I found that I never even opened it. The card had how sorry my uncle was for missing my birthday and how grateful he was i took him to his doctors appointment. The handwriting was so bad because he struggled to try and write it while in so much pain. Reading this hurt so much because I felt so horrible that I never opened the letter. 
 
During the funeral it was the worst for me. My father and Grandmother were in such bad shape I couldnt let them see me hurt. I had to be there for them. I had to be strong and hold back the pain I was dealing with. I remember helping walked my dad into the viewing area, I never saw him cry so much in my life. I wanted to cry but I just held him. When I felt the tears would come I left the area and went to the bath room. Prior to everyone going into the viewing area I remember having a moment with Debbie his wife. I was the only person in the family that had a relationship with her. I cried while standing next to her and looking at my uncle in the casket. She told me everything was ok and that he loved me dearly and she would always be there for me. When it was time to go to his resting place it hit me hard while carrying the casket. To this day I struggle with his loss and I blame myself for not being there for him when he needed me the most. 
 
Not long after Phillips death, at the start of 2012, I lost my job at the Maryland State police after fighting corruption within the local City and County Police Department. It was devastating for me to lose my job within the Maryland State police as they were the only family I have. While dealing with the loss of the Maryland State police I was dealing with the loss of my uncle. I remember spending the summer in 2012 assisting my great friend Stacy after she had serious surgery which almost cost her her life. Stacy had premie twins that were born very young and at the same time she needed an emergency hysterectomy. During her emergency hysterectomy Stacy lost a lot of blood and was potentially on her deathbed. She received a transfusion and was able to make a full recovery however still need to heal from the surgery. As I was out of a job and had nothing more to do I wanted to help out. Her husband who is also a state trooper had to return to work as he was running out to leave. I spent most of my 2012 summer at her house taking care of her and the kids and having a good time. I was nicknamed the gay nanny or the ga-nanny lol. I also worked on appeals and tried to talk to anyone I could get my job back with the state police. It seemed like it was a hopeless fight and that no one would listen to me. Even though all the evidence I had proved I was incident.
 
At some point I decided to try and apply for other jobs within the area. I found out the Chick-fil-A was opening a business right inside the city of District Heights. I decided to apply for a job with them as I knew their business practices were very different but nice. During my first interview the owner operator of the new business decided to hire me. I was extremely excited to start my job with such a company that has a large success and help train younger community was of life and how to be a better employee. Within my first day of working at Chick-fil-A I met the owner's father. He seemed to be very decent and kind and I took what the owner operator Trevelle said about family serious. I treated his father as if he was a member of my family while standing there and offered if you ever needed any assistance to please call as I'm only a block away. Later that night I received a text message from his father, requesting a ride back to the hotel. After taking him to the hotel he seemed sad and distant and wanted someone to talk to. He invited me to his room as if you wanted someone to speak to about some of the issues going on with in his life and his sons. I felt that I could give him a few minutes to talk as everyone deserves someone special to talk to. What happened next was something I never expected in my entire life, I was never prepared for something like this. While speaking to his father he advised that he could tell I was gay and that it didn't bother him and that he would still respect me as an individual. This didn't surprise me he could tell, I just don't tell anyone or flaunt it I only tell if asked. After confirming to his father that I was gay his father decided to touch me in a very inappropriate manner. At that moment my heart started to race faster than it has ever. The father began to touch me in places where I never wanted someone to touch me, he started to stick his hands down into my pants. I became very scared I didn't know what was occurring or what would happen to me. I thought at this point I was going to be brutally beaten and raped by someone I never thought would do this to me. I played stupid I played funny and I played it off as if it wasn't a big deal in order to try and get him to get off of me physically. At which point he was physically holding me down. I could feel his hard erection pressing against me, while I felt that pressing against me he would mumble stuff like do you want cream in your coffee, I want you inside me now, cum all over me in the shower.
 
I didn't know what to do but finally when I was able to leave the room I called my friend Stacy I cried and told her what was occurring. She stated she wanted to come and deal with the individual who had assaulted me sexually. I didn't stay long Chick-fil-A after this and eventually I decided to leave early 2013. I do believe it was around thanksgiving/Christmas when I just couldn't hold back everything I was dealing with. The summer of 2012 i began to drink a lot, and by a lot I was drunk 70 percent of the summer. The only sober part was when I was at my friends Stacey's house helping her. But I couldn't handle everything that has been happing. So one night I drank a lot and took a lot of blood pressure medication from my grandma, which I hope would slow down my heart enough for me to just drift asleep. I don't remember much from that night just bits and pieces. I remember my grandma called 911 and was upset while I laid on the floor numb not able to say anything. My dad and step mom and little brother and sisters all came to stay with us for the next week. They wanted to talk to me and try to figure out what was hurting me. At this point I lost my dream job, lost my uncle, almost raped, no one at work believed me, and I felt like I was found guilty of something I was accused of doing when in fact I didn't. So I felt like someone convicted of murder when in fact they are innocent and no one believes them. I had to decided what to do in order to better my life. 
 
So I decided to move to Arizona to be with my mom, brother, aunts, and cousins. I wanted a fresh start on life and to get away from everything I was dealing with. I always loved being there when visiting but it was still the hardest decision of my life. I didn't wanna leave my grandmother, Geneva, behind. At first everything seemed fine I was happy I felt at home here in Arizona. Shortly after moving here I ended up meeting a guy who moved here during the same time. It all seemed well we, seem to get along and we seems happy. But I soon found quickly that he was only taking advantage of me and that he even tried to steal money out of my account. He quickly left and went back to the state where he was from and left me heartbroken and confused as to how I let it happen. So I moved on focused on my job at the first security agency I started when I arrived here. Things seem fine but I want to progress more than they were allowing, so I was offered a job at a competitive security agency. They wanted me to start out to be a training officer and travel to their sites. At the very first sight I went to things were total disorder and not only were agency violations occurring but also ones within the security license contract agreement. I was quickly given the title of supervisor for the site and stay there for several months. It was perfect I work the Monday through Friday 7 AM to 3 PM. 
 
Not long after being here in Arizona I was contacted by the Maryland Attorney Generals office about the issues I had with the county and city police department. I told them everything that happened including the vice mayor impersonating a police officer, cops stealing hours, making illegal traffic stops, misuse of city fund and the list goes on. They asked me for a statement which I provided them. It was about 16 pages with 70 plus exhibits providing everything. I was hopeful that maybe this could help me get my job back. I wrote letters to the governor of Maryland, head of the state police, and the ACLU which I included the information provided to the attorney generals office. After a week of waiting I was told to never contact them again and they didn't care at all. So I lost all hope in trying to get my old job back.
 
At least I was so much happier here as I got to be around my little baby cousins that my aunt Brandy had. I love kids and loved helping with my little brother and sister growing up. I try to spend as much time as I can with her and her kids as I just love holding them and watching them grow and learn and talk and giving them kisses. It's nice to see the baby twin girls light up when they see me and JJ run into my arms for a big hug. There just didn't anything in the world better than that. No matter how tough it is for me a few minutes with them help me out a lot. I wish I still lived with my mom and I was only across the street instead of 20 mins away. 
 
In February 2014 I was in a car accident after something flew into my only good and I causing me to be temporarily blind for a moment. I rear ended into the back of the vehicle totaling my car and snapping my pinky out of place. I was taken to the hospital before I went I was able to relocate my finger on my own. Several weeks after my accident my finger never properly heal, and as Kinda healed with that bent. If anybody bumps or accidentally touches it the pain shoots down my hand. I more than likely need to have surgery or see an orthopedic surgeon, but thanks to Obamacare I security company at the time could not provide insurance because their healthcare provider had dropped every guard, and I made too much money to be placed on state health insurance. Still to this day my finger hurts I can't get fixed or checked out.
 
I security company transferred to another site that needed more help. When I arrived I found that that site to was also a total disarray and complete agency violations and even criminal actions were occurring within the guards at that site. Within the first two days I drafted a detailed report to my account manager advising him of all the issues I discovered including the 45 hours billed coverage to the clientand which snow guards were ever provided during those times. The guards are claiming overtime hours for time that they did not work and we're not on site. The security company didn't like the fact I brought this to their attention and within a matter of a few days I was terminated. Which left me unemployed for two weeks putting me way behind on all my bills and causing me to be in a serious financial hole. I tried to apply for unemployment however the process was overwhelmingly complicated and would take too long to receive the benefits. I joined another security company several weeks later, and was promised healthcare coverage with this company. However during my first day I discovered and learn by the other guards they like to get you to sign your contract and they don't provide or offer health coverage. They also charge you rent for your uniforms which they removed out of your check and also force you to purchase overly priced duty equipment that you're required to have while working. They also take this out of your check.
 
I quickly decided to leave this company and move over to a company that provides security coverage at the place my stepfather and aunt and brother workout. During the interview they promised I would start out at a low pay position while waiting for my security clearance to come through. I was also told to Clarence would only take about a month and a half, however during my first few days there are guards there who's been there for over six months to a year who still have not received their clearance. Now those positions that I was going to get after my clients came through I've already been taken which would allow me to increase my pay so now I will be stuck at the current pay rate I making you were not until another opening occurs. 
 
So now I'm stuck with the even deeper financial hole that I can't seem to climb out of and there's nothing I can do about it. There's no overtime I can work and there's really no other way for me to gain more money besides try and look again for another job. In the mix of all of this I found someone that I deeply fell in love for. It was a very deep deeper love I never felt this way with anyone ever before and like always because I'm scared to get hurt like I have in the past I push push push until they don't want to be here anymore. 
 
It's always been a struggle, not just being gay, but for who I am as a person. I have a hard time trusting anyone including family, friends, and people I date. Being gay isn't easy as the gay community is so very judgmental. Probably didn't mention earlier but I have a lazy eye it's something that most people stare at and decide to point out is if I don't know it. But the people who seem to always feel free to point out to me are those within the gay community. No one seems to believe that the stuff occurs, or that while on a date they decide to say stuff like "you're an amazing person but I can't fall in love with your face" or "can I ask you a question do you have a lazy eye?". Or while trying to message someone online I will get replies like; "don't talk to me you cross-eyed bitch", "you're ugly with your cross-eye", and "what's wrong with you eye that's weird". So when people say they don't understand why I chose the life of being gay it frustrates me because if they think I choose to be this way and shoes to go through this their fools. For me dating the same sex is not easy it's complicated and difficult, if you're girl can you imagine what it's like, i'm dating someone but probably wants to cheat like your man cheats on you. Another thing about the gay community I can't stand is everyone wants to sleep with everyone. It's hard to find someone that wants a committed relationship and doesn't want something that's open to where they are allowed to mess around with friends or random people. It's also hard to find someone that wants a family and wants to grow and be with you. Like I said I found that person and he was perfect and amazing and beautiful both inside and out but like I always end up doing I fucked it up.
 
So I lie here in bed confused about what to do with my wife and where I'm supposed to go now. Currently I have rent due on the first which I honestly cannot pay I'm behind on my car payment and I don't make enough money to bring it up to speed. I don't own anything worth value to pawn or sell. Everything that I own is priceless to be because it's all sentimental stuff, so now I don't know what to do. Am I going to be homeless? Am I going to have a car? Am I going to have a phone? Am I gonna be able to buy food next week? I've already gotten help from enough people already and there's nothing more I can get there's nothing more I can do I'm stuck I'm scared and I feel so very alone. I would be lying if I said I honestly haven't thought about ending my life, how that would end the pain in my heart i deal with on a daily basis from all the things that have happened to me. It's not easy for me to let go of things that have hurt me and the pain hurts the same today it did days, weeks, months, and years ago about stuff. So I don't know what to do anymore I stay here for my family but it's being not enough for me to fight this pain. So I am completely Lost. I'm sure I'll figure things out like I have before but I am scared I won't this time. I for once an scared of the Unknow and what will happen for me next. 


Submitted: December 06, 2014

© Copyright 2021 Mikey Boling Jr . All rights reserved.

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