Tic

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Other Content by Mikeysrt95

Tic

Book / Mystery and Crime

This is a story of someone who hits rock bottom and decides to take matters in to their own hands. Just read it and find out

O.C.D. and what it really is like

Book / Health and Fitness

What do you think when you hear the term OCD being said? Let me guess, you think straight away it's someone who is a clean freak, wrong!, well mostly you're wrong if you thought that, ocd goes far beyond being overly clean, I'd know cause i have quite severe ocd and im a messy person by nature. It doesnt bother me if something isnt in order or if this doesnt match that. My ocd is more so in my head and i have developed compulsions or as some call rituals that i use to fend off these thoughts, which i will delve in to later. The reason i decided to write a book on it is because not many people seem to understand what it really is, hell it took me a few years to realise i had it, but i think its important for people to understand whats actually happening behind all those compulsions people are acting out such as flicking lights on and off and what the mental process behind that really is, how badly this can affect a persons life, and those with kids who have ocd, or ocd themselves. Though they'll know exactly what im talking about. Ill do my best to explain this as though im talking to someone who has never even heard the phrase before. I've had quite a few different forms of it so i know what im talking about. My first real encounter with ocd was the most obvious one, contamination, the fear of spreading germs or getting infected by something. If i have to be honest im not really sure how this started as i was a carefree kid who wouldnt wash his hands after going to the toilet, but between the ages of 10 and 12 is where my life would change forever, as ocd may be managable, it is not curable, its a certain way the brain is wired and unfortunately we just have to accept that. It started off with washing my hands after using the toilet, then washing them twice just to make sure they were clean, then three times, then four times, and sometimes even 20 times, my hands became dry and would easily crack up in the cold weather and begin to bleed, it was painful and uncomfortable, especially when you were at a friends house and everyone would be wondering why you're washing your hands so damn much? I remember the kids in my class use to look at my hands and think why did they look that of a 90 year old man? Cause the skin had dried it up so much it became wrinkly, it was embarrassing, but hey, as long as i felt clean i could deal with the embarrassment. Though it didnt just stop at needing to have clean hands. When i'd go to the toilet for a wee and a bit trickled on to my boxers, i would have to change my boxers and my trousers cause maybe the piss had soaked through even though it was only a drop of piss, i wouldnt be able to relax thinking about it, it got to the stage i would go through three changes of clothes a day and just doing something as simple as going for a whiz became a huge challenge so you could only imagine the torture i went through when i went number two. We'll talk about that now, when it came to going number two i would have to wipe until there was no poo on the toilet paper at all, yeah i know thats what you're supposed to do, but i took this to a whole new level til i had literally wiped my bum raw, it became painful to wipe as i was ripping the skin each time and blood would often be the colour id see on the tissue rather then the usual brown, so now i had sore hands, a raw bum, and was changing my clothes every time i peed, the next thing that would happen, is that i decided instead of rinsing the soap off my arms cause now the germs had actually managed to "spread" up both my forearms, i would just leave the soap on while i played my xbox in "peace" of mind, the skin there dried up very quickly and looked like it was that of a crocodile? My friends used to look at my arms in disgust and so did i to be honest but i couldnt help it, i needed to be clean. But it didnt stop there, it just kept getting worse and worse to the point where i became afraid to leave the house and play with the other kids in case of getting germs on me, for example one of the days me and my two friends had been playing outside in The dirt, it was muck and my friends wanted to come inside my house, i wasnt okay with this at all, i looked at them and watched everything they touched, i couldnt help myself cause even though i knew it was just dirt, i couldnt convince myself so it had to have been feces, i scrubbed the doors down with soap and everything else they touched. I felt like i was going crazy. I started questioning everything. Like when i was in class did the guy who was sitting next to me wash his hands after using the toilet? Everyday after school came the intense cleansing, id sit in the bathtub washing my body over and over again, sometimes to as much as 50 times per limb, the reason for that is so that if i got anxious about the thing i felt contaminted me i could say to myself i washed myself 50 times theres no way im still dirty. I still do wash my hands a lot but no where near as much as i used to, this phase of my ocd life was the worst of the cleaning and would often find myself crying about how much i would have to wash myself and all the trouble id go through, though to this day, more then ten years later i still go back to my little crazy stage of cleaning. But im glad im not showering three times a day or spending 20 minutes washing my hands after using the toilet, it was all a bit much. Id often talk to my parents and ask them for advice, my father told me i must let my hands get dirty and try not to wash them, though i know people say putting yourself in a situation and not reacting to it is how you get over it, but for me though i did do that, it was only for that for some reason i just stopped caring all of a sudden and this is two years straight of this crazy intense washing to suddenly waking up and not worrying about it anymore. And that isnt the first time that happened to me. Yes with this feeling of not caring i used it to my advantage and made my hands dirty and wouldnt wash them though i didnt feel as though i was really resisting anything at all, after that i thought thats it, im back to normal now, happy days, i was wrong, very, very wrong. The thing with ocd, is it always finds something else to obsess over, the next thing im gonna talk about is intrusive thoughts, this is where my ocd really got bad. We all have intrusive thoughts, the only difference between me and you is i dont have the filter. Let me explain this. When lets say you have an inappropiate thought, it will come and go just as quickly as it formed, though for me and many like me, we begin to obsess, why did i have that thought? What does this mean about me as a person? Am i normal? Do i want that? No i dont, yes i do but no i dont, and before you know it the same disgusting thought will keep coming in and you'll try your best to not think of it, eventually you find that thought linking itself to everyday life, like you'll go to open the fridge but before you open the fridge this thought pops in to your head, so when you close the fridge again, that thought lingers, now in order to get rid of that thought i need to open the fridge while thinking of something different so that my mind will now link a new more calming thought to the action of opening the fridge, only because the thought itself is so intrusive just as you close the fridge it pops in again straight away so you do it again and again until you get it right and can finally go to make yourself a sandwhich, or whatever, only this is a new challenge, for example a night time when id go to brush my teeth i'd have this problem, i'd brush them so many times, eventually give up, go to bed, find myself not able to think straight as my mind is just being bombarded with these intrusive thoughts and the only thing that is gonna make them go away is going and brushing my teeth again, eventually it became too much trouble for me to brush my teeth before bed, so i just stopped brushing them, sometimes for two weeks at a time, i know its gross but this simple little action could keep my up for four hours a night just trying to get comfortable enough with my mind in order to fall asleep, not to mention Everything else i also had to go through just to get in to bed and fall asleep. You're probably thinking what the hell could i be thinking about thats would bother me this much and why am i doing all these compulsions? Well, we'll talk about that now. I had just started secondary school, i was going through puberty and with puberty comes hormones, and with that comes masturbation, this was very normal and enjoyable thing for me when i started, and id think about attractive woman or use a magazine, not that thats very important, but one day while going about my business, a thought popped in to my head "what if that was my mother im looking at?" I quickly shrugged it off and took no heed of it, but later on after i had finished, that thought came back in to my head, i shrugged it off again, no big deal, im not a weirdo, but of course the next time it came to my business, this triggered that thought to come in to mind cause masturbating had reminded me of it, i tried to block it out but the images in my head were now getting graphic, so i couldnt continue anymore, but like every human being, we have a sexual need to attend too, these thoughts began to get stronger and stronger to the point masturbation became a very difficult part of my life and very frustrating, can you imagine trying to focus on a hot chick in a porno mag and then graphic images of your mother keep coming in to mind? This made me feel horrible about myself and i began to think am i masturbating over my mother? I knew i wasnt but the thought of that horrified me, which is why i obsessed about it so much, though this obsession was unintentional. As the thoughts quickly grew stronger and stronger i found it wasnt only affecting my masturbation but my everyday life as well, eventually i spent every waking second trying to block these thoughts out of my mind, and of course living with my mother didnt help with that, i used to sit there and think if anyone else knew what thoughts were coming in to my head, what would they think of me? Why am i like this? I didnt feel good about myself at all, in fact at times i hated myself, though at this stage i didnt know what ocd was or why i was doing the compulsions so to me this was even more disturbing because i didnt understand what was happening. I came up with this ritual where i would count too 4 and back to 1 again, in my head what that was doing was reversing my thought pattern, so lets i go to open my bedroom window, of course just cause the very notion of me thinking to open this window has triggered a graphic thought of my mother to pop in to mind, ill begin my counting ritual and quickly think of another woman so that when i opened the window this new thought i projected in to my mind was linked to that action, then i could continue, but like i said this came with just about every action i carried out in my day to day life. But before we get in to that too much i wanna talk about something else, the reason these thoughts really started to bother me so much is because when they came in id get false arousal, or a groinal response, its like being aroused but it doesnt feel good, the reason this happens is cause your body is like a tool, a sexual thought pops in to mind and blood flows to the groin, although i didnt like these thoughts or find them appealing in any way shape or form, this false arousal really caused me some personal issues with myself, it made me morally sick about myself as a person. Now bare in mind the false arousal only came a while after these thoughts had taken over my mind, they weren't there in the beginning, but they definitely made it difficult for me as a person, even when i finally learned what ocd is and what it can do, and people say you need to just let these thoughts run through and thats how you'll get over it, but whenever i tried to do that id get a groinal response, so this made it near impossible to just let the intrusive thoughts in as i would think but what if im enjoying this in some sick and twisted way? Will i get over it but still think back to that day where i Intentionally thought about this and what would that say about me as a person? How would i live with myself? So i could never do this for more than a couple seconds and that was only if i attemtped it. It was too much for me, ocd is an anxiety disorder so everytime these thoughts popped in to my mind i felt incredibly anxious and uncomfortable, sometimes i could go from being in a good mood to sullen and quiet and everyone would be wondering whats wrong with me cause i obviously didnt feel very comfortable talking to anyone about, especially to my friends, in fact they didnt even know i had ocd til much later on in life. The reason this was such a problem for me is because i would have very vivid thoughts of my mother performing oral sex on me and then the groinal response on top of it, even though i knew i had ocd i still had that constant questioning myself. To make matters worse, i found it very difficult to be around my mother as this was a major trigger for me, i would often find myself moving away from her if she came in to the kitchen while i was busy, or leaving the room, she didnt know what was going on or why i was avoiding her so much, and this caused a lot of fighting between me and her cause she didnt have a clue and i would snap at her if she came up to me while i was unaware, if my mother came near me and i felt like my hand had bumped off her even though i could be well over a metre away from her, i would have to go wash them ferociously as this would happen. Okay so lets say my mother walked by me, about two or three feet away as she passed me, i feel some air brush by my hand, in my mind ive touched her in a sexual way because i can literally feel like theres something on my hand, or my hand touched her hand after she used the toilet and maybe she didnt wash her hands so if i touch my face or something thats as good as putting her lets say genital germs on my face, and then id see a sick and twisted version of myself enjoying this and getting sexual pleasure from it, then the anxiety comes and i go to wash my hands full anger with my mother like she should have known better than to walk by me and full of disgust in myself for thinking that, though this wasnt really who i was, i was just so petrified of being that person that id have to go was these "germs" or this feeling off my hands so i could start to calm down again. Its safe to say this affected my relationship with my mother severely, and this went on for about 8 years, thats 8 years of having these thoughts in my head from every waking second of my life til the second i fell asleep. It didnt just stop there though, it also stopped me from doing the things i enjoyed like playing video games. Remember how i said these intrusive thoughts link themselves to everything? Well they did that with stuff i enjoy. Id go to play my game but the feeling of enjoyment i got from playing that game attached itself to the intrusive thoughts about my mother, so now its not enjoying my game anymore but rather "enjoying" those thoughts that playing this game puts in my mind, so eventually i had to stop playing games. It was too difficult to enjoy them anymore. My mind would always take the character i was playing with in the game and start imagining them doing sexual things with my mother so i couldnt bare to look at that character anymore, now it did take a while before i couldnt play with the character anymore as i would constantly be trying to block these thoughts out of mind, i found first person shooters easier to play as i couldnt really see the character, but ocd always finds a way and then of course even the guns became a sexual thing, i mean guns really? So some guns i wouldnt use even though i wanted to but it would bring too much anxiety. Also just turning the xbox on was a major pain in the ass as i could end up doing it like 5 to 10 times. This is such an overly complicated thing to talk about while trying to explain clearly, just to show you how low it can really go, doing something like turning the sound up on a television would trigger these Intrusive thoughts from the most random stuff, okay so im turning my tv up already knowing that im gonna have to find a safe number to leave it on, lets try 11, wait 11 is two of the same numbers, boobs are the same and when i say boobs this is my mothers boobs that are being projected in to my mind from the number 11, so i need to find another number, so i go to 16, this number like 11 has nothing to do with my mothers boobs but because the thought of her came in to mind when i landed on the number 16 of the volume i have to now keep cycling through numbers until eventually i land on one that allows my mind to think of something else or should i say someone else and my anxiety goes away. Then about two minutes later i find myself going through this procedure with something else. One thing i do want to point out, is that my compulsions were random and usually conjured in the moment, i didnt have any set thing that would work for me, apart from the counting from 1 to 4 and back to 1 again in my head, though even this could get out of hand a bit. It took me a few years before i finally came out and spoke about what was going on, and i only spoke to my brother initially, though i spoke to him plenty of times and he didnt even understand what was wrong until he read up on it. I remember him saying to me i might have ocd, bare in mind a few years of struggling with these specific graphic thoughts of mother had already passed by before i built up the courage to talk about this. Though talking did help and make not feel better, this feeling wasnt long lasting and half an hour later i would find myself back to my old ways. A few more years went by and eventually i told my parents what was going on, because my mother didnt know anything about this nor did my father. This had caused a lot of stress for them as they didnt know why i was acting the way i did, like if my mother touched something like my laptop i would freak out and go mental at her, can you imagine from her perspective how she would be wondering what she did wrong? Sure they had copped something was off but they didnt know what. So eventually i explained to them why i was acting the way i did and avoiding all contact with my mother. She said it had explained a lot. I remember at its peak i wasnt even able to hear her voice without this intense wave of anxiety coming over me with very vivid thoughts and false arousal, it also affected me with girls i found attractive, my mind would try find some sort of familiarity with the girl and my mother, although i knew they looked nothing a like, everytime i spoke to this girl i had fancied i would be trying to block these thoughts out of my head and convince myself they're wrong. The way ocd works is anything you care about from hobbies to people, it will attack and force you to stop doing the things you enjoy. But not only that, it goes from the smallest of things to the biggest, lets say you see a t shirt in a shop, you like this t shirt and want to buy it, but then the intrusive thoughts latch on it like a parasite so now its tainted because the mere sight of it causes anxiety, so to componsate you buy another t shirt that has a different image in your mind linked to it, one that calms your mind and anxiety. I used to think these thoughts that would calm me down were a blessing but in reality they were just as bad as the other intrusive thoughts, why? Cause a t shirt is a t shirt and if you like it you should just be able to buy it without having to attach a thought of a woman who isnt your mother to it. I had spoken to my brother countless of times about this and it never really seemed to help until he said something to me, he said "if you're attracted to mam, so what? It's part of who you are", now this didnt go down to well with me as i was thinking, thats exactly what i dont want to hear about myself or think about myself, but after 8 years of going through this, i remember waking up one morning and that phrase came in to mind, and i just said fuck it, its part of who i am, so i went to the bathroom to wash my hands, This is something that would usually be a procedure of multiple hand washes, not because they were dirty but because i was lets say washing the dirty thoughts away, though this time i turned the tap on, i purposely thought about mother, i washed my hands, rinsed them off and turned the tap off. Then walked away and forgot about it. You're probably thinking why didnt i do this sooner if it was that easy? Well because it wasnt, just like i got over the contamination side of it the same thing happened here, i woke up and for some reason i felt good and these thoughts were no longer making me feel overwhelmed with anxiety, i think its because of what my brother said and for some reason those words just made me accept myself, but really accept myself, so that day i made myself purposely put these thoughts in my mind whenever i did anything. It felt great, not the thoughts but the simple act of only doing something once and not having to justify the amount of times i do it. I did this for a whole week, with ease, and for the first time in a very long time i felt normal, and this was an awesome feeling, i appreciated it so much just being able to go and have a bath and only wash myself once, the thoughts no longer bothered me anymore, i went and gave my mother a hug after avoiding any sort of human contact with her for 8 years. This was all very short lived and before i knew it my ocd picked something else to latch on to. I want to also mention after years of going through this i decided to check myself in to therapy, it wasnt really something we could afford at the time and i felt bad that my parents were paying for it, even though it was at a discounted price. The therapist was a nice guy and i could see he was really trying to help, but he wasnt an expert in the subject and i never felt any better after a session and just talking to a complete stranger about this was very uncomfortable, he himself even said i have a very extreme case of ocd. I only went to four sessions and stopped going once i felt this was no longer an issue for me. I had spent so many years of my life worrying about whether or not i had some sick sexual attraction to my mother to realising it wasnt true at all, though part of me knew this the whole time i was struggling with those thoughts it wasnt until then that i realised i had nothing to worry about this entire time, i was normal. Moving on to my next obsession. I had just started a relationship with this girl, my mind was free of the intrusive thoughts of my mother, things were great, slowly but surely my mind began to find a new obsession. This girl had a sister who was relatively attractive, though i did not fancy the sister, my mind took that attraction and used it against me. My girlfriend at the time was the victim of my mind, i would started to develope compulsions to prevent her sister from living over her in my mind, how it works was then id go to do something like take a sip of my tea a thought would pop in to my mind that if i stop drinking the tea now my girlfriend will die and her sister will live, so i had to switch this around so that my girlfriend would live and the sister would die by drinking more tea. Now by this stage in my life i was well aware that i had ocd and none of this was logical, i didnt want the sister to die, but i did feel better if in my mind i chose my girlfriend to live. Also the fact that i thought she was attractive really played on my mind and i started to feel guilty about this, though this is a completely normal thing, its the same as going out with someone but of course you're still gonna find other people attractive, though i started to find it difficult to even look at the sister cause in my mind i felt i was betraying my girlfriend and that i was perving over the sister, now under normal circumstances this wouldnt bother me, but because of my ocd attacking my relationship it was a case of life or death between the two girls one of whom was my girlfriend who i "loved" at the time, so not only would i be trying to convince myself i do want my girlfriend to I also had to convince myself i "loved" her and not the sister, the reason i use quotation marks is because this was my first real relationship and i thought at the time i was in love. This became very stressful for me as i had developed a compulsion to tell my girlfriend every little thought that popped in to my mind otherwise she would die if i didnt, and if i didnt tell her that would mean that i didnt "care" if she died. This also affected me with my friends once i had told them i have ocd, it got to the point i was afraid to be around people cause i would spend a lot of time trying to avoid saying something i didnt want to say but had to in order to stop my girlfriend from dying, i know there is no logic in this at all and even though i knew that i still felt compelled to tell people everything that came in to my mind. For example, i walked to the shop earlier that day, i might have stood in dog crap or near it, later on in the evening im chilling with my friends, they ask me for a cigarette and as im passing it to them, it drops and lands next to my shoe, now i have to lean down and pick it up though when i give it to them i have to say i think i might have stood in dog shit man and there might be some on the cigarette, they then look at it and would say theres nothing on it, but if i didnt say that and let them smoke it without warning them first, karma was gonna get me by taking my girlfriends life away. I know, its stupid. This form happens a lot to people with severe ocd, not necessarily in the same exact way but very similar, its called relationship ocd. Remember ocd attacks anything and anyone you care about. Luckily for me my girlfriend at the time and my friends were all very understanding and had a lot of time for me, especially one of my friends who had ocd himself, though different he could understand where i was coming from and what i was talking about. Though my ocd did get a bit out of hand, i would constantly ask my girlfriend did her hand touch my knee if she walked by me because when i went to the toilet my knees were close to the seat, her sister would have used the toilet, so in that my knees would have her germs on them, if my girlfriend did touch my knees and rolled herself a cigarette i wouldnt be able to kiss her until she had brushed her teeth, the reason for this is because it became a sexual thing for me, no i wasnt aroused by the thought but i felt a sense of betrayal kissing my girlfriend with images of her sisters private parts germs on her lips which had been transmitted from the toilet seat, to my knees, to my girlfriends hands, to her lips and ultimately my own lips. This eventually became a 24/7 thing where i couldnt sit with my girlfriend for 5 minutes without asking her did she touch this or even did my hand touch this and needing a constant reassurance that i didnt or sje didnt. I also had to tell her about all the intrusive thoughts i had about her sister and try to explain to her that it was just my ocd, this was very embarrasing for me and i felt like i was changing how she saw me, though she did handle it very well, i could see at times it became frustrating for her just like it did for my parents, constantly washing my hands and making her brush her teeth or wash your hands just so she could sit next to me. Safe to say that ended after a year and we were no longer together, a huge relief came over me as i felt i didnt have to worry about that person anymore as that was this entire episode of ocd was about. Though it took me a while after the relationship ended to stop with all my compulsions as i felt if i stopped caring about them straight away then i wasnt being true to myself, but when it did finally stop i felt a huge pressure lift off my shoulders. No longer did i need to worry about thoughts of her dying as i could just say she probably wont cause none of this is real anyways. But of course, with ocd there always comes something else. Ocd is probably one of the most life crippling and uncomfortable things to live with when it is severe, not enough people seem to really Grasp the effect this can have on someones life, my friends who dont have it cant understand why i cant just dismiss these thoughts as crap which is what they really are, but for me any thousands like me will know, its not as simple as just saying no thats stupid, if it was i wouldnt have such a hard time with it. Also its not really something you can treat, its in your mind, so it can hurt the way you feel about yourself and it can cause a lot of stress to your loved ones as they feel helpless in the matter. Though i do take baby steps in not responding to my compulsions, this is still something i really struggle with even to this day. Its simply just the way i am and i cannot change this about myself, i will always have ocd and i will always have some new obsession. Just like i finally got over worrying about my girlfriend dying, something else came a long. I now had the same sort of thing i had with my mother only it was directed at kids. I remember reading up on people who suffered with this form of ocd and even being an ocd sufferer myself i remember thinking come on you know you're not sexually attracted to kids, ill never have this anyways...until i did and i realised wow, i thought the stuff i had before was bad? This was far worse than that. Now i have never once looked at a child in my life and thought anything sexual about them, but because of my ocd it started planting that in my head, making me see these horrible images whenever id pass a kid on the street or see them run by the house. The same thing would happen when i would watch porn, my ocd would take the pornstar and try make me think they look like a kid i know of, so i wouldnt be able to continue my business as it was just too sickening to the core for me. Again it effected me with the things i enjoy like playing games, i would see the character peforming an act of sexual nature on a child so i could no longer play with that character. If i was walking down the street and i seen a family approaching with their children i would either cross the road if i could, or just step off the side walk all the while making sure i couldnt possibly even brush by the kids, otherwise a flurry of graphical images would flood my mind, i would instantly start worrying about what kind of germs could have been passed on to my hands and have to go wash them. I couldnt think straight, i was getting the groinal responses again, if i felt my clothes were contaminated then id need to change them. This was difficult to deal with, as when id go over to a friends house and if someone came over with kids id be petrified of that kid touching me, because my ocd was sexually orientated the mere thought of kid touching me made me quiver. But the thing is, when im around people i cant be acting all crazy especially people i dont know, for example im sitting at the kitchen table, everything is fine im talking to my mates and having a laugh, then in comes the older sister with her toddler, the kid comes towards us and im freaking out, what if that kid pissed themselves and they somehow get that piss on me? What will i do? I cant just get up and make an obvious point of avoiding the kid otherwise people will begin to wonder what the hell is wrong with me, im starting to panic now as the kid is getting closer to me, so i get up to go outside and have a smoke as an effort to avoid any confrontation with my ocd, but in order to do so i have to walk by the kid, so as im walking by the kid im not looking, and for some reason in my mind that kids face touched my private parts even though i clearly walked by the kid and not through them, im now freaking out as a majoy rush of anxiety has overcome me and my mind is flooding with thoughts of sexual oral graphic images of that kid and me, im getting the false arousal which definitely doesnt help the situation, now i need to leave and go home, so i make a point of doing so. When i get home i start worrying what if that kids spit got on my hand when i walked by? So now im opening door handles with my elbow, i need to wash my hands in order to get a Change of clothes, so after i go and have my shower and wash my body intensely and especially my private parts all the while trying to block these graphic thoughts out so that it doesnt make me feel like im masturbating where all im really doing is washing myself, i finally feel okay now, im getting out the shower, being very careful about what i touch, i get my clean pair of boxers and put them on, as i put them on i begin to think what if the spit from the child that might have gotten on my hands that then got on my clothes and my boxers touched those clothes? Now im overwhelmed with anxiety, so i need to wash my hands again, and then my private parts again, now im extra careful as to not touch anything i think i could have touched when i got back in to the house, i go back to the pile of clothes i originally got my other clothes from, i take a new pair of boxers if there are any or a pair of tracksuit bottoms from the bottom of the pile cause i know for a fact i didnt touch them, or at least i feel comfortable in my mind that i didnt, now im finally dressed and feeling safe. For the rest of the day, sometimes even a week id be very conscious about what my hands touch and i would never open a door with my hands, or even turn a tap on with them, i would only use my elbows to do this. This phase of my ocd didnt last to long, but it was very difficult and uncomfortable as you could imagine. I knew i wasnt attracted to kids but i was afraid that i could be purely because of my ocd. In some cases ive read up of parents who go through this with their babies, sometimes the mother or father wont be able to wash or change their babies diaper as it will bring on thoughts of perving and molestation, so the other one has to do it, in more severe cases, the mother or father wont be able to have any physical contact with their children as fear of being a pedophile comes in their mind. This in turn makes it very difficult for the parent to be at home around their family when as much as they dont want too, they feel the need to avoid their child, in return this can make the child feel neglected later on in life when they are still at a age where they cannot comprehend this sort of thing and are wondering why their mother or father wont show them affection like the partner parent does. Again when i tried to explain to my friends they just didnt get it, bar the one who has ocd himself, even though his is completely different. I remember one of the nights we had all planned to go out in to the town for drinks. My friend had arranged to have pre-drinks at his place, i instantly thought this would be a major problem for me as he had two little sisters around the ages of 10 and 12, but i went anyways as his parents house was right next door to mine so i couldnt get out of it. So im standing there keeping my eye on where the kids go so that i can avoid them if they get to close all the while trying to hold a conversation with my friends. Im watching everyone else as well thinking why cant i just be like that, just do and not think about it. I was only there for an hour before it became too much for me, i was trying my best to ignore it but i couldnt, the kid had stepped near my beer cans which i had placed on the table, so i couldnt drink those anymore, the reason for this is what if the kids hand had touched my can and she didnt wash her hands after using the toilet, i dont clearly remember the exact reason why i had to leave the house that night, but i do remember something had happened which sparked me off and i had to leave and go home, when i got home the washing began, i sat in the bathtub angry and close to tears, as all these thoughts had overwhelmed me and my anxiety was skyrocketing, i needed to wash and get everything just right so i could go out and still try and enjoy myself that night. Not only did i need to clean myself of the potential germs i got off the kids, but i also needed to do it a certain amount of times until my mind was no longer projecting those thoughts in to my mind based on the number of times i washed my body. I finally got out and dried myself and then came the very careful act of getting out bathroom as to not touch anything and get dressed, this could be a 20 minute operation, my parents had asked me to not go out cause of how bad my ocd was acting up, but i did anyways and somehow managed to have an okay night, but still very conscious of everything like needing to wash my hands if i thought i had touched my shoe even though it was impossible but the shoe could have had pee germs on it from the kids from when i was in the house, me knowing that was impossible still wasnt enough to convince myself, so id go off and wash in the public bathrooms, you might be thinking how was i even able to step in to a public bathroom? Well because i wasnt afraid of that, my obsession was kids not general germs. Even though i managed to have an okay night and somewhat enjoy myself with my mates, i was still having to be overly aware of everything like where did their hands touch? If they touched mine i would have to wash before i went and had a smoke or took a sip of my drink. Although i dont have these types of thoughts running through my head anymore i still find myself avoiding kids, i dont like them walking to close to me just incase it sparks something off. I never did sit there and let the thoughts run through my mind as a way to get over it, i just kind of did cause my ocd is still always changing, but like i said im just not as bad about that aspect of things as i used to be but i still wont really let kids get too close to me. This form of ocd and like many others is a very difficult one to deal with, and i consider myself lucky that this didnt last too long a time compared to those who have been suffering with it for years and especially parents who cant go near their own children. After that obsession and finally subsided, i found myself now becoming afraid of dogs, it started off when we had got a springer spaniel pup, it was a nervous dog and had anxiety issues itself, when we first got it, i had no problem petting her, letting her sleep on my lap but as she got older she got serperation anxiety, so when we would come home from work or whatever we find she had pissed and shit everywhere and also ripped everything up, i didnt feel to comfortable at first cleaning this up but i could do it and there wasnt really any issue with it. But then when she would get happy to see you and if you greeted her she would start spraying piss all over the floor and sometimes on to my shoes as well, as time went by this became more and more of a problem for me and i couldnt handle it anymore, so i would only pet her very lightly as to not excite her too much or not at all, i suppose anyone would, but this is what caused my ocd to develope in to much more than just being afraid of dog piss. I started avoiding my dog more often than not, my ocd found a new thing to attack, and my ocd seeming to almost always be sexually orientated i became afraid of playing with the dog in case i some how had touched its private bits and this really bothered me, as i would get all the intrusive thoughts to go along with it, then when the dog was on its period this was especially something i could not handle very well, if the dog had walked over my shoes i would be petrified that a drop of blood had gotten on my shoe, but not only my shoe, the bottom of my trousers too, it didnt matter whether or not if i could actually see blood on me or not, i couldnt cope with it so i would have go get changed again as i would fear that maybe when i sit down my hand might touch a spot where there could be blood and me being a smoker im constantly putting my hands to my lips. I wasnt afraid of blood but more so of where it was coming from and if i were to try and ignore it even when i knew i didnt have any on me, i would get the same kind vision of a sick version of me putting this stuff to my lips when i would have a cigarette. Then because of that i couldnt have the dog come near me, it was very similar to when i was worrying about the kid thing, if a dog even walked by me or Licked my hand a thought would instantly pop up and say what if the dog just licked its private bits and had gone for a piss or had sex with another dog and now i got that on my hands? So without a second thought i would be washing my hands clean, though this phase was more just a fear of lets say dog germs getting on me so i would need to wash and also again the intrusive sexual thoughts that would force their way in to my mind whenever i was near a dog. I used to love being around dogs and playing with them and now i can barely go near one because of this. Not only was i afraid of dog piss getting on me but also dog shit, i didnt like the thought of having that on me but this isnt like i was actually near any of that, the simple act of a dog coming near me was enough to make me either wash my hands or need to wash my entire body, sometimes when i got home i wouldnt have a change of clothes i felt was clean so i would just shower and sit in my room naked until my clothes were ready, and by this stage i was living with two other older men who i didnt know very well. I was living quite a distance away from my friends so i decided to buy a bicycle off one of them but in order to get the bike i had to go through the garden to the shed, and these guys had like 8 dogs so there was shit everywhere, it was literally a nightmare for me. But i made sure i lifed the bike and did my best to avoid any dog shit, but that didnt really matter cause even if there was a spec of brown muck on my shoes, it couldnt have been anything other than dog shit, i cycled home, washed the bike and washed myself so that i didnt just waste money buying a bike. This problem of course kept on growing and growing, i couldnt have a dog near me incase lets say it ran by me i would instantly feel like it touched me in my private parts even though it didnt and then i wouldnt be able to relax as thats all i would be able to think about, but then also walking anywhere became a major challenge, keeping my eyes focused on the ground as to make sure to not step in any shit, and then of course i would step on something i wasnt sure what it was, but try force myself to keep walking, then have to go back to where i thought i had stepped on something, pull out the phone light and examine, because it was dark a bit of wet tar could look like shit and this would make me question is it or isnt it? Because i didnt have absolute certainty it was an issue for me, id often pretend i was looking for something i dropped if people were around mean while im really trying to examine the ground for dog shit. It became a major pain to walk anywhere like the brothers house cause i would have always somehow "stepped" in dog shit and then have to tell him i think of shit on my shoe, though at this stage i was comfortable enough to talk to him about anything, just the feeling of thinking i had shit which got on my shoe, which then got on my socks and then of course on to my trousers was very uncomfortable and having to constantly examine myself to make sure there was nothing. Sometimes i would arrive at my brothers house after he invited me over for drinks and need to shower and barrow a change of clothes before i could finally sit down and "relax" with a drink. Another time was when i and my girlfriend were at my brothers house and my friend was coming to pick us up, i was hoping to god he wouldnt bring me to the other guys house with the 8 dogs, but he did and i didnt feel comfortable enough to say no im not going because he had just driven out to come see me. We get there and the first thing i see is a spec of blood on the floor, i instantly knew this isnt going to end well for me, im thinking maybe it will be alright, but then i see the dog is lose and running around and it keeps trying to come and say hello to me and im pretty much pushing it away with my feet, my friends are asking whats wrong? And at this stage i didnt care anymore, i jokingly said this is messing with my ocd, though in my mind im having a full blown panic attack, everyone decides to go upstairs and of course i Follow everyone, someone was in front of me and im thinking what if their feet had stepped in some and now they might have touched my knee while i was walking up the stairs behind them, in my mind i may as well have been showering in the stuff because thats how i felt and thats what my mind was telling me, i couldnt enjoy any of the conversation or really make any because i was so fixated on this and worrying about it. Enough was enough and i had to call my brother to come pick me up, the first thing i told him when me and my girlfriend got in the car was that i needed a shower and a full change of clothes otherwise ill have to go back home, bare in mind i had shown up to his house earlier that evening dressed and ready for a night with him and his friends, now i needed to go and barrow his clothes as i couldnt wear mine anymore. Even afterwards the shower i didnt feel too comfortable sitting next to my girlfriend as i remembered the dog going near her legs and this made me feel like she had the dogs blood on her and i had to keep asking her is she sure she doesnt have anything on her legs? I hated being like this and needing reassurance but i could think about anything else unless i got it. Another horrible procedure i used to have to go through was when my girlfriend was coming over i would have to walk to meet her and the whole time panicking about what if i accidentally step in any dog shit? The reason for this is cause i was already showered and ready, and because we were just started going out at the time i didnt wanna throw off by acting out on my cleansing compulsions in front of her. If she had seen the way i carried on before she showed up i honestly think she would have thought something was wrong with me. I would dread showering as i could contaminate everything so easily in my mind, and this was all to do with dog shit, so after showering and very carefully getting out the shower making sure i didnt touch the sink on my way out because it was contaminated from when i washed my hands earlier, i would then proceed to get dressed, putting my socks on first as the floor was "covered" in shit, then my boxers and trousers, if i did this right i was okay, and before i showered i would often be washing the door handle and the door handle to my room and sometimes even the door itself, cause if she had touched this and i didnt think it was clean, in my mind something bad would happen to her, and i wasnt comfortable around her enough yet to be coming out and telling her what was going through my mind, but i didnt wanna take that chance because then i knew i wouldnt be able to act out on my compulsion by telling her how dog shit had managed to get everywhere and not even visible to the eye, this whole life or death thing started again because i was in a relationship now. So if i felt i had germs on my mouth i would brush my teeth before kissing her or something bad would happen to her if i did kiss her without brushing them, so my ocd had evolved so many times in the last couple of months, from being afraid of dog piss, to intrusive thoughts of sexual nature about dogs, to afraid of dog shit, then to being afraid of contaminating my girlfriend and not having the courage to tell my girlfriend which would result in something bad happening to her if i didnt tell her. I would then hop out the shower and would anxiously wait for that text to come through to say "im here, start walking" the whole time im walking all im thinking is be careful where i step, cause if did happen to step in any that would ruin my whole night as i cant make a huge performance about stepping in some dog shit when most people would just wipe it on the grass and forget about it. My ocd had gone back in time now, my new obsession became my girlfriend again, and soon the dog shit scenario was over with as something more urgent had taken hold. Initially i tried to ignore these thoughts but yet again they proved themselves to powerful and the anxiety too great, this was also affecting my job at the time as it has done in the past, though back then i was Working in a factory and could go about things being unoticed. I was now a painter apprentice for a painting firm, doing big jobs which required us to be quick and efficient in getting the work done as time was money, though i did try do my job quickly, i couldnt because of these thoughts, i would be cleaning windows, when i got one cleaned i would go to move on to the next one, but then something would say if i move now something bad will happen to my girlfriend, so i would keep cleaning the window, and i did it to a very high standard, so much so that it wasnt needed, so when i tried to speed the job up by doing what was acceptable i couldnt, all the windows had to be cleaned exactly the same or something bad would happen and my fear was feeling compelled to come back to the house and clean the windows again when i couldnt if i didnt do it exactly how my ocd required me to do it. To be contiued...

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