I use to sleep like a baby, I use to be so happy, I use to have so many friends and people that liked me.
that has all changed in a blink of an eye. It all started at the age of 7 my grandma passed away. When my mom told me she was gone, i nearly died. I couldnt believe it, i thought i was dreaming. I thought for the longest time that i was really in a dream, that i would wake up any minute and just be there laying next to her. It was real life, i didnt wake up because i could actually feel my heart beginging to stop. I refused to go to her funeral, because if i went i would interupt the preist with my overflowing tears. But i went. I went for her and only her. Not for my mom because she wantd me to, not for my uncles or aunts. For her. I practically lived with her, every second of every day i would be there at her house, by her side, never wanting to leave. Thoughts would run through my head day by day, even now of her knowing i will never see her, hear her. she is gone. A few years later when i first started middle school, was my first time ever being called names. I brushed it off for a couple weeks. But it kept getting worse and worse. I would come home a run to my room miserable, with eyes full of tears that would fall for hours. It sooner became getting worse, so my mom pulled me out of the school and put me into a charter school. I felt like i fitted right in with a few students, but not all. Some would look at me the same way the other kids did at the other school. I met my first love in sixth grade, i would see him everyday at school, text him everyday & even sneak to see him. We were together for 3 years. But when we hit eighth grade everything changed. We didnt talk as much, didnt see eachother alot I wondered what was going to happen. In the middle of the year of eighth grade we broke up because of a fight. After we brokeup a group of girls planned to jump me, so i ran to the bathroom to call my mom and she called the principal but the principal did nothing but suspend me because i was using my phone during school hours. After my suspension the same group of girls were making fun of me and calling me really hurtful names. The one girl of the group started dating my ex boyfriend the next day. I was so heart broken, that when i came home that day after school and just felt useless and not worth anything. That night, i cut myself for the first time, i was so scared after that, i didnt want anyone to know, so its been my secret for a while now. Soon enough he brokeup with her because he found out that she was bullying me. We would talk on and off but on our eighth grade graduation, we danced for hours. But after that night, we have not talked. It was finally summer of 2k12 and I found out that my meap scores in eighth grade were not high enough for the high school i wanted to go to. So my mom held me back for once more another year of eighth grade. I was some what happy because i knew almost everybody there but not because i wasnt at my normal grade level. The second year of eighth grade wasnt so bad for the first half. But the second half of the school year started getting worse for me and my so called " friends." In Febuary on the 24th of 2k13 my mom seen my cuts. I have hid them so well for so long and i dont know how she saw them, but she did. I told her they were from the dog and me playing, since the cuts were pretty old she believed me. The next day, on the 25th she looked at my wrist again and saw fresh blade cuts and flipped on me. Its like taking alchol away from an alcholic, but with a blade. Its addicting, i havent stopped since my ex, plus more with bullying and just depression itself. Well that night i was admitted to the mental hospital for the first time. And for the first time I felt like I was not alone. I met amazing people like me and people that have had it worse than I have. I was in there for 11 days. I came back to school and felt like i was falling apart again. Rumors spreaded about me saying if i was pregnant or that i was raped and killed. But i knew why i was gone and no one else would know. I would tell everyone who asked me that i was at ohio for a funeral. All of my friends looked at me disgusted and as if they looked horrified, They told me it was better there at school without me. They told me to cut a little deeper to pop a vein or just go kill myself. So that night, i tried.. I tried to do what they said. I mean like who would miss me? no one apperantly. I was alone once again.. But that night my mom got a phone call from one of the girls that told me to kill myself. Just when i was ready to end this, mom came in and told me to pack once more time for the mental hospital. She cried the whole way there & the whole way back. She didnt know what else to do for me, and neither did i. I learned to never let someone tear down who you are because each one of us is a skyscraper and we were built to never get put down.
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Thank you for reading.
~ Milanna Howell
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