La Fee Verte - Ricky Dreadlocks

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ricky Dreadlocks is the fourth episode in the radio play series La Fée Verte. If you haven't read the third episode you can read it here: http://www.booksie.com/humor/script/mimimix/la-fee-verte-sock-monster
La Fée Verte is a psychedelic, quirky comedy based around room mates Sky Noelle and Dee McCoy. In this episode you will meet characters like Pervert Pete, who lives in the plumbing, Seth Cobraton, a musician that has a passion for snakes, and many more! Remember! You can now follow Sky on Twitter. Just search for @SkyNoelle_LFV and click follow!

Submitted: January 11, 2013

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Submitted: January 11, 2013

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INTRO

(LOUNGE. EVENING.)

SOUND: RAIN.

SOUND: BOOK PAGES.

SKY NOELLE

Dee?

DEE MCCOY

Yeah?

SKY NOELLE

It's raining.

DEE MCCOY

So you keep telling me.

(BEAT)

SKY NOELLE

Dee?

(BEAT)

SKY NOELLE

Dee?

DEE MCCOY

What?

SKY NOELLE

You know when raindrops fall?

DEE MCCOY

I'm going to regret this but, what about it?

SKY NOELLE

What do you mean "I'm going to regret this"?

DEE MCCOY

I mean. You ask a daft question, then give an even more stupid answer. And I'm left even more confused than I was before the question.

SKY NOELLE

So? I have a lot of questions in this little noggin of mine. It's jam packed. I'm the Puzzler.

DEE MCCOY

The puzzler?

SKY NOELLE

Yeah, I eat questions for breakfast.

DEE MCCOY

You have sugar puffs for breakfast.

SKY NOELLE

Yes, but what's floating around in the soft liquid milk? Hmm? That's right, it's a gorgeous sugary bowl of questions!

DEE MCCOY

You need to see a doctor.

SKY NOELLE

Or do I? Maybe it's you that needs to see the doctor.

DEE MCCOY

Nope, it's definitely you.

SKY NOELLE

Maybe. Or maybe I'm the sane one, and it's everyone else that's mad.

DEE MCCOY

Raindrops! What do you want to know?

SKY NOELLE

Oh yeah, the question. You know when raindrops fall, well, what do you think they're thinking?

DEE MCCOY

Really?! That's your question? -- Well, they ARE falling from around ten thousand feet. So, I guess it would be something like --

SOUND: DEE SCREAMS.

SKY NOELLE

Really? They've just been born, they don't know what's about to happen -- I think it would be something like "Oh wow, so this is life? It's a bit windy. What's this? This green and blue round thing? It's getting bigger! Are you my mummy?" and then BAM! Down an old lady's cleavage.

SOUND: THUNDER.

SOUND: POWER CUTS OFF.

DEE MCCOY

Oh great! A power cut!

MUSIC: INTRO THEME MUSIC.

SCENE: 1

(LOUNGE.)

SKY NOELLE

Looks like it's the whole city.

DEE MCCOY

That's just perfect! -- Now I can't finish that scarf I was knitting!

SKY NOELLE

Since when do you knit?

DEE MCCOY

I started my own business knitting scarfs for anorexic mice.

SKY NOELLE

And how's that working out for you?

DEE MCCOY

Great, I've got loads of buyers. I'm making a huge profit.

SKY NOELLE

If it's going so well, how come I've never seen you knitting?

DEE MCCOY

That's the clever bit. The knitting needles are electric. All I have to do is plug them in, plonk them in the corner and eat a sandwich.

SKY NOELLE

What kind of sandwich?

DEE MCCOY

Four cheeses with jam and Marmite.

SKY NOELLE

Nice. So, you don't actually knit?

DEE MCCOY

No.

SKY NOELLE

The knitting needles do all the work?

DEE MCCOY

Yes.

SKY NOELLE

I hope you're paying them.

DEE MCCOY

Paying knitting needles? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! -- Doesn't this place have a generator?

SKY NOELLE

Yeah, but you have to go into the basement to turn it on.

DEE MCCOY

Shouldn't we turn it on then?

SKY NOELLE

No. That's Chris's job.

DEE MCCOY

Well where's Chris?

SKY NOELLE

On holiday in the Bermuda Triangle.

DEE MCCOY

When's he back?

SKY NOELLE

There's no telling. He IS in the Bermuda Triangle after all. He might appear one day under your bed or in the fruit bowl.

LEMON IN FRUIT BOWL

Eh. He's not in here!

ORANGE IN FRUIT BOWL

Shut up! You'll blow our cover!

LEMON IN FRUIT BOWL

Sorry.

DEE MCCOY

Then, who's going to turn it on?

SKY NOELLE

The residents take a vote -- Don't worry, if we stay in here and be really quiet. They'll think we're dead and won't pick us. It's a fool proof plan!

SOUND: SKY SITS ON SETTEE.

SOUND: MAGAZINE PAGES.

SOUND: AN ENVELOPE SLIDES UNDER THE DOOR.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

SOUND: DEE OPENS ENVELOPE.

DEE MCCOY

"Dear Sky and The Blond One." Dee! The name's Dee! -- "You are the chosen ones." Looks like your plan wasn't as fool proof as you thought.

SKY NOELLE

Damn!

MUSIC: SCENE SEPARATING MUSIC.

SCENE: 2

(LOUNGE.)

DEE MCCOY

Right, come on Sky! Let's get this over with!

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

DEE MCCOY

What are you wearing?

SKY NOELLE

It's a power cut. This is my power cut outfit.

DEE MCCOY

But what is it?

SKY NOELLE

Well --

DEE MCCOY

Oh no.

SKY NOELLE

-- A few years ago, Ankie Werner and I got invited to a party at Seth Cobraton's penthouse apartment.

DEE MCCOY

THE Seth Cobraton?

SKY NOELLE

Yes, THE Seth Cobraton.

DEE MCCOY

Wow.

SKY NOELLE

Please don't interrupt me during one of my stories.

DEE MCCOY

Sorry.

SKY NOELLE

No worries. Just don't do it again. -- We got invited to Seth Cobraton's party. It was amazing. Seth was wearing a suit made entirely out of snakes, not dead ones, but live ones. He had somehow managed to persuade thirty five snakes to wrap around his naked body. Amazing -- When we arrived he came over to greet us and compliment us on our outfits. I was wearing all my favorite band merchandise and cigarette jeans. I looked amazing. Ankie on the other hand was wearing her best balaclava. I told her she should have worn more, but she didn't listen -- Anyway. About halfway through the night, an owl flew down the chimney and started pecking everyone on the hands and face. It was awful. No one could get the door open 'cause their hands had swollen to the size of watermelons -- Turns out the owl was high on drugs and thought we were mice. He was in paradise. Little did he know he was murdering a load of innocent people.

DEE MCCOY

That's terrible.

SKY NOELLE

The story has a happy ending though. The owl flew out the window and got hit by a bus.

DEE MCCOY

And, what has that got to do with what you're wearing?

SKY NOELLE

Absolutely nothing.

DEE MCCOY

You can never just answer a question can you? You always have to tell some sort of crazy story.

SKY NOELLE

What do you expect? They do call me The Raconteur.

DEE MCCOY

I thought they called you The Puzzler?

SKY NOELLE

Why would people call me The Puzzler? That's a stupid name.

DEE MCCOY

(TO HERSELF) Breathe, breathe.

SKY NOELLE

I am.

DEE MCCOY

Not you.

SKY NOELLE

You want me to stop breathing?

DEE MCCOY

No. Why would I want you to do that?!

SKY NOELLE

How am I meant to know? You said it.

SOUND: DEE TAKES A DEEP BREATH.

DEE MCCOY

Please, tell me why your outfit glows in the dark!

SKY NOELLE

It's a power cut. No one can see my band merchandise.

DEE MCCOY

And you thought the solution was to have it glow in the dark?

SKY NOELLE

Yes.

(BEAT)

DEE MCCOY

Fine.

SKY NOELLE

Can we go now?

DEE MCCOY

Please.

SKY NOELLE

Okay. Please can we go now?

DEE MCCOY

That wasn't what -- You know what? It doesn't matter. Let's go.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

MUSIC: SCENE SEPARATING MUSIC.

SCENE: 3

(PERVERT PETE.)

SOUND: SHOWER TURNS ON.

PERVERT PETE

I'm Pete. I live in the plumbing here in La Fée Verte. I'm made out of all the bits of hair that come cascading down the drain pipes. Human, dog, yeti -- Some people call me Pervert Pete because I like to watch the ladies shower from the drain -- I don't see how that makes me a pervert -- What's that? Someone's turned on their shower. It's the old lady in D5! Got to go -- What you looking at! Go on! Bugger off!

MUSIC: SCENE SEPARATING MUSIC.

SCENE: 4

(BASEMENT ENTRANCE.)

DEE MCCOY

Is this the basement?

SKY NOELLE

No, it's the door TO the basement.

DEE MCCOY

Really (!)

SKY NOELLE

Well, it does say "Door to the basement" on it. You should get your eyes looked at.

DEE MCCOY

Shut up. Open the door.

SOUND: DOOR CREAKS OPEN.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

SCENE: 5

(BASEMENT STAIRCASE.)

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

DEE MCCOY

Is it just me or do these stairs seem to go on forever?

SKY NOELLE

They do, don't they? -- Oh no, hang on. We're on an upward moving escalator. The downward one's over there.

DEE MCCOY

Oh yeah -- Wait. How come the escalators are working?

SKY NOELLE

Oh come on! Everybody knows escalators don't work on electricity!

DEE MCCOY

If not electricity, what then?

SKY NOELLE

Hamsters.

DEE MCCOY

Hamsters?

SKY NOELLE

Yeah. Hamsters running round in their little round runny wheel thingy.

DEE MCCOY

Their little round runny wheel thingy? Is that a technical term?

SKY NOELLE

What do you call it then Mrs. Einstein?

DEE MCCOY

A hamster wheel. Plain and simple.

(BEAT)

SKY NOELLE

My version's better.

MUSIC: SCENE SEPARATING MUSIC.

SCENE: 6

(BASEMENT TUNNELS.)

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

SKY NOELLE

What do we do now?! There's a thousand tunnels!

DEE MCCOY

Don't exaggerate. There are only three.

SKY NOELLE

Oh yeah. I always get those numbers mixed up.

SOUND: ANIMAL NOISES.

SKY NOELLE

Dee? What's that noise?

DEE MCCOY

It sounds like a tiger.

SOUND: ANIMAL NOISE GETS LOUDER.

SKY NOELLE

It's getting closer.

DEE MCCOY

I know!

SKY NOELLE

What do we do?!

DEE MCCOY

Quick! Back up the escalator!

SOUND: RAPID FOOTSTEPS.

SKY NOELLE

We've got the wrong one! We're not going anywhere!

SOUND: ANIMAL NOISE.

SKY NOELLE

It's almost here!

DEE MCCOY

Just keep running!

(BEAT)

DEE MCCOY

Come on Sky! We can do it! Run!

SOUND: ANIMAL NOISE STOPS.

SKY NOELLE

Erm, Dee?

DEE MCCOY

Keep running!

SKY NOELLE

Dee.

DEE MCCOY

Almost there!

SKY NOELLE

Dee! It's Salad Cat!

DEE MCCOY

Oh.

(BEAT)

DEE MCCOY

Hey, Salad Cat! What are you doing down here?

SALAD CAT

Me? Erm. Playing golf.

SKY NOELLE

Golf? You hate golf.

DEE MCCOY

What's that white stuff round your nose?

SALAD CAT

Erm. Talcum powder.

DEE MCCOY

Talcum powder?

SALAD CAT

Yes. I've got to go now -- Out my way.

(BEAT)

DEE MCCOY

Well, that was strange.

SKY NOELLE

Not really, he always has white stuff round his nose -- What are we going to do about the tunnels?

DEE MCCOY

Hmm. I've got an idea -- Salad Cat!

SALAD CAT

(FROM FAR AWAY) What?!

DEE MCCOY

Down which tunnel is the generator?!

SALAD CAT

Left!

DEE MCCOY

Thanks! -- Left it is then.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

(BEAT)

SALAD CAT

I mean right!

MUSIC: SCENE SEPARATING MUSIC.

SCENE: 7

(LEFT TUNNEL.)

DEE MCCOY

Do you have any idea how bright that outfit is?

SKY NOELLE

I know, it's amazing! It's a good job I brought my sunglasses.

DEE MCCOY

It's ridiculous, it's a ridiculous outfit. You'll start attracting animals. Who knows what's down here?!

SKY NOELLE

What are you on about? Attracting animals? There are no animals down here.

DEE MCCOY

What about Salad Cat?

SKY NOELLE

He's made out of salad. He's practically a vegetable. And anyway, what animal would want to live down here? It's disgusting. My outfit brings a bit of cheer to an otherwise gloomy place.

DEE MCCOY

There could be animals down here.

SKY NOELLE

Oh yeah? Like what?

DEE MCCOY

Rats.

SKY NOELLE

Rats? Surely you're not scared of rats, are you?

DEE MCCOY

Who, me? No! Why? Are you?

SKY NOELLE

Me? No. We had rats living under our floorboards when I was growing up. I befriended a couple of them -- They used to come to the park with me. We had the best of times. We used to hide under benches and bite people's ankles when they sat down. It was great.

DEE MCCOY

Where do you get these stories from?

SKY NOELLE

They're all true.

DEE MCCOY

In your mind maybe.

SKY NOELLE

Hey, what's that?

DEE MCCOY

I'm not sure. We should step carefully and quietly.

SKY NOELLE

Okay.

(BEAT)

SOUND: SKY RUNS TOWARDS IT.

DEE MCCOY

No Sky!

SKY NOELLE

Hey, Dee! Check it out! It's a record stall!

DEE MCCOY

What's a record stall doing in the basement?

SKY NOELLE

Oh my -- Look! It's Blunderbuss!

DEE MCCOY

Don't you already have that?

SKY NOELLE

Yes, but not this one. You see this is the blue vinyl with a black lightning bolt. The one I have is black with a blue lightning bolt.

DEE MCCOY

Whoop-di-doo! Let's go.

SKY NOELLE

No. I must have it! -- Do you have any money on you?

DEE MCCOY

You want me to pay for it?! No Sky. Put it down. There's not even anyone looking after the stall. Who would you give the money to?

SKY NOELLE

You're right.

(BEAT)

SKY NOELLE

I'll leave an I.O.U.

DEE MCCOY

An I.O.U? You can't do that!

SKY NOELLE

Don't worry, I'll leave our apartment number. They can come get the money when they want.

DEE MCCOY

Fine. But if you get into trouble. I'm not helping you.

SKY NOELLE

Fine -- Right, let's go.

MUSIC: SCENE SEPARATING MUSIC.

SCENE: 8

(BLUE HAIR HARRY.)

BLUE HAIR HARRY

I Saw Jack White the other day. He was sat in a Parisian Café with the vulture from his Blunderbuss album. They were eating macaroons -- Jack White with a vulture, eating macaroons! – Blunderbuss, now there’s a good album.

MUSIC: SCENE SEPARATING MUSIC.

SCENE: 9

(LEFT TUNNEL.)

SKY NOELLE

Are we there yet?

DEE MCCOY

No.

SKY NOELLE

Are we there yet?

DEE MCCOY

No.

(BEAT)

SKY NOELLE

Are --

DEE MCCOY

Don't! Don't say it.

SKY NOELLE

This must be THE longest tunnel in the history of the world! How long have we been down here?

DEE MCCOY

About ten minutes.

SKY NOELLE

Oh. Well, it seems like more.

SOUND: DRUMS.

DEE MCCOY

What's that?

SKY NOELLE

It sounds like drums to me.

DEE MCCOY

Who'd be playing drums down here?

SKY NOELLE

Maybe it's someone upstairs?

DEE MCCOY

Yes, that'll be it -- Looks like we've reached a dead end. Are you sure Salad Cat said left?

SOUND: DRUMMING GETS LOUDER.

SKY NOELLE

Dee? The drumming's getting louder.

SOUND: DRUMMING STOPS.

(BEAT)

DEE MCCOY

Sky? Why have you got your hand on my shoulder?

SKY NOELLE

I haven't.

SOUND: COUGH.

SOUND: DEE SCREAMS.

SKY NOELLE

Ignore her. Who are you?

RICKY DREADLOCKS

I am Ricky Dreadlocks, Iceland's most famous drummer!

SKY NOELLE

I didn't know Iceland sold drum kits.

RICKY DREADLOCKS

Not that Iceland you fool! Iceland the country!

SKY NOELLE

Oh! You don't sound like you're from Iceland.

RICKY DREADLOCKS

I grew up in Nottingham.

SKY NOELLE

Really? My grandparents live there.

DEE MCCOY

Stop!

(BEAT)

RICKY DREADLOCKS

What's up with her?

SKY NOELLE

How long do you have?

DEE MCCOY

What do you want?

RICKY DREADLOCKS

You have trespassed on my territory! You must now stay here for eternity!

DEE MCCOY

Sorry, I can't do eternity. I've got a yoga class tomorrow at five and an imaginary date with an imaginary boyfriend on Saturday.

RICKY DREADLOCKS

Is that what I think it is?

SKY NOELLE

Is what what you think what is?

RICKY DREADLOCKS

That in your hands.

SKY NOELLE

Yeah. It is.

RICKY DREADLOCKS

The Blunderbuss vinyl with the black lightning bolt on blue? Not the blue lightning bolt on black?

SKY NOELLE

Yeah.

RICKY DREADLOCKS

Jack White once asked me to be his drummer. But I didn't know who he was at the time and said no. I carried on playing gigs in clubs and bars. Since then I've collected every album he's ever done with every band he's ever been in, and his solo career. But this. This is the last remaining vinyl I need to complete my collection. Until he releases his next album, of course -- Tell you what, let's do a little trade. Your freedom for that there vinyl.

SKY NOELLE

You want my Blunderbuss vinyl?

DEE MCCOY

Just give it to him Sky.

SKY NOELLE

But. I haven't even listened to it yet!

DEE MCCOY

Just give it to him!

SKY NOELLE

But. But.

DEE MCCOY

Sky.

(BEAT)

SKY NOELLE

Fine -- Here.

RICKY DREADLOCKS

YES! YES! YES! I have finally completed my collection! -- Oh. You are free to go now.

DEE MCCOY

Thanks. Any chance you can tell us where the generator is?

RICKY DREADLOCKS

The generator? You've got the wrong tunnel blond-y. It's the one on the right.

DEE MCCOY

Oh. Okay.

RICKY DREADLOCKS

But. If it's a shortcut you want, you can go through that door. It leads straight to it.

DEE MCCOY

That sounds better! Cheers!

SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

RICKY DREADLOCKS

Oh and glow-y girl?

SKY NOELLE

Yes?

RICKY DREADLOCKS

I like your outfit.

SKY NOELLE

Thanks!

MUSIC: SCENE SEPARATING MUSIC.

SCENE: 10

(BACK AT THE APARTMENT.)

SOUND: FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.

DEE MCCOY

Well, that was fun.

SKY NOELLE

For you.

DEE MCCOY

You're not still sulking over that stupid vinyl are you?

SKY NOELLE

No.

DEE MCCOY

Good. I'm going to go check on my knitting needles.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

SOUND: SKY SITS ON SETTEE.

SKY NOELLE

It was blue with a black lightning bolt!

DEE MCCOY

Oh no!

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

DEE MCCOY

My knitting needles have quit. They left a note saying I wasn't paying them enough!

SKY NOELLE

I told you so.

DEE MCCOY

Now what am I meant to do? I have about twenty anorexic mice all waiting for their scarfs!

SKY NOELLE

Why don't you learn to knit?

DEE MCCOY

Brilliant!

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

SOUND: FRONT DOOR OPENS.

SKY NOELLE

Where are you going?!

DEE MCCOY

To the library to get a book on how to knit!

SOUND: FRONT DOOR CLOSES.

SKY NOELLE

She didn't have to do that. I could have taught her. They call me The Knitter.

SOUND: KNOCK ON FRONT DOOR.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

SOUND: FRONT DOOR OPENS.

SKY NOELLE

Can I help you?

RECORD STALL OWNER

Are you Sky Noelle?

SKY NOELLE

Yes.

RECORD STALL OWNER

Do you live in apartment D7?

SKY NOELLE

Yes.

RECORD STALL OWNER

You owe me one hundred pounds for that Blunderbuss vinyl.

MUSIC: OUTRO MUSIC.

Remember! You can now follow Sky on Twitter. Just search for @SkyNoelle_LFV and click follow!


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