Joy to the Weird

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

A humorous essay celebrating the weirdness of the holiday season

Joy to the Weird

 I am a nut for holiday light shows and if there's one within a hundred mile radius of my house I'm there. So I was thrilled to hear of an event billed as a frosted delight.

The venue consisted of a few paltry lit pointsettias, some prancing reindeer, and a tour of Santa's village. My husband and I shuffled through the maze of people to Santa's Magical Kitchen featuring Mrs. Claus and the elves baking cookies sans Santa. As we exited we noticed blood on the floor of Santa's Magical kitchen which was barely covered by Santa's magical rug.

My husband guessed that Santa may have been shanked by one of the elves, probably over a labor dispute involving long hours, archaic tools, and intolerably cold conditions.

I imagined one of the elves standing on a work bench holding up a UNION sign a la Norma Rae.

We later discovered that the site was also used for a gruesome Halloween butcher's shop thus explaining the blood on the floor.

That's the Christmas I remember best, not the Hallmark card Christmas of families reunited and long lost lovers finding one another. I can never recall finding the perfect tree but I vividly recall the Year of the F------- Tree as my husband fondly refers to when we chopped a very full tree with a scrawny trunk that toppled over so frequently that my husband, on Christmas Eve decided he had enough and drove the tree out if sight, exclaiming "That's it., I'm done with this f------tree." By Christmas Eve the pickings are pretty meager at the Christmas tree lot so the tree he chose would have made Charlie Brown blush.

These are the precious memories, the ones we overlook as we run around at a frazzled pace searching for the perfect present or baking cookies  when we are dog tired.

I  can't remember receiving  a perfect gift but I still chuckle thinking about the time my family and  friends attended midnight mass and one of my brother's more gastrically challenged friends passed gas during one of the more solemn moments of the service. That was not a silent night but a deadly one.

I consider these my cultural touchstones, those occasions when absurdity and the holidays collide, and crystallize like the giant icicles burned into my cortex from childhood.

Weirdness, absurdity, and snafus make holidays legendary not the diamond jewelry or cars with bows or the perfect place setting or amazing light show. It's the one that fails, or the tree that topples, or the events we can't make up because no one would believe them anyway.So embrace your weird memories with a good belly laugh and have a very merry Christmas.

 


Submitted: December 20, 2014

© Copyright 2021 Mina Graham. All rights reserved.

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Essay / Humor