Crying For Shame

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is a true story about traveling to another country for an abortion...

Submitted: July 24, 2012

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Submitted: July 24, 2012

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8000 miles and 22 hours
East of Los Angeles
Europe, and Greece...
Mother non stop talking
While Girl stared out the window
Until they arrived, in Tel Aviv.

There wasn't one in the World
Who would consider
Or listen to what she had to say.
Madame, Zis is your only Daughter!
perrrhaps anozherrr way?

Mother couldn't wait
To see her older Sister
She would help with their dilemma
Mother would bestow gifts and money
Both had survived the camps together
Mother had married chosen America
While sister had  married
To get faraway from Mother
And Made a life in Israel.

From Doctor to Doctor
they searched the Holy Land
But all said the same thing
At this point Madame
She's too far along...'
Why not let her keep the baby?
Or put it up for adoption?
By our standards she's old enough
Herself to be a mother ...
Why not give her a chance ?
A chance ?
Mother wouldn't hear it
Only to condescend...
...why Should she
have a chance
When...
I never had any...

Mother's prettiness
Glowered and scowled
Holding Girls hand tightly,
she detachedly vowed
I'll find somebody, you'll see
I have money
To get it out."

The last Doctor showed them the door
It's not the money Madame,
please understand,
in good conscience
I can't help you
But I know someone else
very skilled with his hands
His name is Dr.Leo Fuchs
And he is German.

For the first time in quite a while
Girl saw Mother smile ....

In the plain white office
Of a Private hospital
meant for the Rich
and Government officials
Doctor Fuchs formulated a plan.

He was so taken by Girls beauty
It had nothing to do with the exam.
He adjusted his hardening
Marveled her velvety skin
Blonde hair  
golden brown eyes
He cradled her breasts
And fingered her goods
Hands roaming her soft outline
He wanted to see if
She got wet and stirred...
He suddenly realized
This Girl was no whore.
But delicate and naive.
A little chubby around the knees
not confident or tough
Like Israeli girls,
already serving in the army

Girl kept her eyes shut tight
Imagining another place
like a bird somewhere
soaring in flight
Far from the foreign fingers
Penetrating and probing
But it was no use...
This was real.

Dr.Fuchs Looked up from the sheet
With Mother, standing right behind him...

"Vee must vait forrr vun munt morr
zen ze belly will be rripe"
Dr. Fuchs wiped his sweaty brow
Stinging drops of perspiration
Dripped onto girls thighs
She began to whimper,
Mother warned her not to cry.

Dr. Fuchs scrutinized
with deep concern
You know Madame,
Zis is considered a sin!
Mother countered
Steely eyed
Threw him a look
like he was a fool...
Undeterred she said
"time is running out
Herr Dokktor
I want it done as soon as possible
Don't you know who I am?
...I Survived Auschwitz
and I don't believe in God!"

He pondered then nodded
Agreed consent
"Zen brink her back
In a munt or zo,
I've alvays vanted
To trry zis experiment."
"but I must vorn you
It's not safe
she may neverrr be ze same again"
a look of worry
crossed his bald shiny head
I'm tellink you....
"therrrr maybe not vun...
But two souls dead!".
Sign this paper ...
300 bucks
"I'm not rresponsibul"
do you hear what I said?"
perhaps in the meanwhile,
he looked at them both
You two should
Get some counseling?

Mother didn't read it
Just signed her away...
Another month living
With relatives
in High Holy Heat
oy what should she wear?

Girl sweltered beneath obedient layers
Mother made her wear tights and girdles
In 110 degree heat
They walked her like a dog
Through the ancient city
Port of Mediterranean Petroleum Industry
Holy land vendors, mosques and bells,
Aromas that lingered, so much going on
Everyone in a hurry, hot and mad
ill mannered tempers flared
Cars drove 100 MPH per hour
On every road they had
Soldiers everywhere carried oozies
A symbol of war torn Hostility
Arabs and Orthodox
Mingled and bartered
Everywhere the sound of voices Shouting
and pushing forward
Saying y'allla  hallo hallo hallo
the sign of tension between
Jew and Arab

Traipsing behind
Mother and Aunt
Usually eating
Ice creme or bread
Arm in arm they would
howl and giggle
As Girl walked alone
She caught a glimpse
of Aunt rolling her eyes
A sign
She thought Mother
Was wrong....

The only ally Girl had
The only safe place they couldn't get...
She talked to her belly inside her head

My little baby she would wonder
Who would you be?
Blonde hair dark eyes
Do you look like me?
I wish it was a different time
That I was rich or had a husband...
I love you so much my little baby
your all I have
Yet I don't even have a name
But Mother does
She calls you Shame...

The Uncle who barely spoke English
accused the Girl of being a whore
Nothing but a soft American
He hated that she ate her food so slow
That she had never experienced the war.
The Israelis were angry at American Jews
They wanted the shirt off their back
They felt like the world owed them...
Especially while under attack.

While Mother flaunting her American ways
Throwing money
at relatives for their stay
Pretending it was a grand vacation
Then chastise Girl everyday...
Do you know how much this is costing me?
Do you know why I did this? For you!
But when Girl begged, please Mom
Why can't I keep my baby?
Mothers shallow green eyes seeped venom...

What are you going to do with a baby?
You can't take care of yourself...huh?
If you gave a baby away for adoption
You'd search for him in crowds for all creation
in the eyes of every face you'd ever meet ...
Do you want someone else to raise your child...
You'll never get over this!
Everyone will call you a whore,
and me a whores mother...
Is that what you want...?
You want me to suffer?
Do you know what you're putting me through?
Now do as I say
I know what's good for you
Your life will be better...
After this....
I promise. If you do what I tell you too!.

Girl began to itch,
a persistent sensation
Flared between her legs
A combination
Unrequited love and humiliation
Itch and burn
Aunt said Oy, try this ointment
Itching away her prurient desire
In the humid heat of night
She rubbed away at old denials
Churned into
One shameful irritation
For three long hot weeks it lasted
Here...mother Said... Use witch hazel
At night she would take a cold wash cloth
And sleep with it wet between her legs
Momentary relief
Until it turned warm
And itched and burned all over again
She would rub and rub and itch and scratch
Uncle said Oy... Here... Try this menthol patch
It works for my back...
 Nu?....so...where's My thanks?
But nothing would relieve the torturing angst
It felt like shingles, poison oak and chicken pox
Labial petals swollen, skin rubbed raw
It looked like fried bacon burned in her craw
Objectified defeated wholly smothered,
Mother maniacal, constantly hovered
Argued about everything
Read and stole journals and outgoing letters
Girl was a prisoner trapped and sweating
It was just too much!
By law she was an adult....
But there was no where on Earth
For Mothers Girl to grow up

At night Girl would sneak a cigarette
While others had gone to bed
It became the only way for her to relax,
inhaling a Turkish blend...
Dreaming her only love
rescuing her and a wedding,
as white foam ran down her legs,
a yeast infection so inflamed
3 doctors tried and couldn't cure it.
One Doctor said it looks like steak
A case he'd never seen
He warned the Girl
You must not scratch
It looks like athletes foot
here use this creme...

Finally
October Harvest
They entered the private hospital
Dr. Fuchs said to Mother once again...

I vaunt you to be sure Madame,
I'm not liable
She might die... Be barren
Become infertile.... Do you hear
Vat I am saying lady?...
Zis could be murder!
I'm varnink you
I von't be rresponsibul
For vhat heppens to your dotter
Frau Boren? Do you understand?
Mother snapped
and immediately answered
I do doctor, I do...
I don't care if she lives or dies
Just get rid of the Shame...
 
OK Girl,
Lay down...

He placed a white screen up over her belly
So she couldn't see
What he was doing
A familiar feeling of his touch
More fatherly now
It began in slow motion...

She took a breath
Just vun little pinch
She took a breath
He stuck the needle in
She took a breath
Filled with a salt
She took a breath
infusion of herbs
She took a breath
Piercing her uterus
6 times in a line
The baby she was carrying
would be here soon
She took a breath
Maybe it would live
Now 6 and half months pregnant...

The Doctor said looking right at Mother
Let me get zis strrraight
You don't care
Vat might happen
To your Dotter
em I rrrright?
A look of disgust
You Americans hah!
Do you understand
Vat zis means
Coming here for vat you vaunt!
Mother agreed and vacantly smiled
Batted her pale green eyes
A ploy, and a tool,
of pretentious pity
ever ready to appease
Then said so callow
"better that
Than other people
Looking down on me...
She's lucky to have me for a Mother
It's her problem now.

The Doctor reassuringly said
It shouldn't hurt too much
ill give you something for ze pain
Don't vurry sveet girl
Ve take care of you,
I prrromise!
Be Brrave!
Ve are just vaking ze baby frrrom ze vomb
At least zat's vat zey say in all ze books.

Now ve must vait!

Girl lay in a wordless crumble
A gnawing dread
She could feel her insides
Roil and rumble
The baby moved
As though woken from a comfortable slumber
Beginning to claw its way free.
Girl began to plead hysterical
hormones  raging
Please mom please
please please ...
She could feel the baby kick hard inside of her
I'm sorry she cried
A wave of nausea
what's going to happen?
I'm scared
Please Mom Please
No one here speaks English
Please mommy please stay with me...
Please....
 
Mother stood firm
With pretentious worry
As a Nurse herself,
she was curious,
what would happen?...
She lied reassuringly
You'll be alright
You'll see
It's nothing...don't Worry
A little procedure
Not even like giving birth
She blew it off ....
I'll see you tomorrow
OK  
I love you, OK? Goodbye
Stop crying stop crying
Now that's enough...I've Got to leave.

Girl still weeping
As Mother left the room
It's nothing
She flippantly said to Sister
They're inducing labor
It's nothing
C'mon
I'm hungry
Lets have dinner
How bout falafel's?
How bout a movie ?
She'll be here a while
They'll let us know when it's over
It's nothing
Oy vey C'mon... Lets go

On the way out the door
Mother casually turned and coldly called out
Announced to the Doctor
I've lost everyone anyhow...
What's one more life?
You want to know why?
Better this...
Than the relatives back home should know,
She had sex with a Christian guy!

In the private room
Girl all alone
A Time magazine by her bed
A small ache glowered  her lower back.
The nurse came in
and gave her an enema
and said,
If you can... Try to take a nap.
Like period cramps Girl thought...
Not so bad...
She read the magazine
Cover to cover
It was the only one they had

Minutes turned to hours
Discomfort turned to worse
Intrusive stabs
Became hard to endure
Then came intolerable suffering
Miserable distress
Girl thought about the boy back home
And the only time she had sex
Only one time in her life....and Now
owwwwwwwww ow ow owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww she cried
a shooting pain
Raged a hurricane
Weeping sobs
Racked her nervous system
Winnowing from womb
ow ow ow ow owwww owwwww owwwwwweeee ohhhh oohhh
She struggled with the sheets
Held the pillow to her face
Her bedding soaked through
With tears and sweat
Please Help me Help me she shouted in delirium
Please give me something for pain...
The nurse entered her room
On pins and needles
Shah No Girl ve can't
There's nothing we can do
To alleviate
it vill slow
zis process down
In ze mean-vile
You must
Stop screaming
Your disturbing ze ozher rooms
Calm down
It vill be over verry soon
OK? I prromise...
I'll get you anozherrr gown...

She heard
Whispering by the door...
Poor little Girl...did You see her mother
Azay Kalba
They nodded in agreement
What a bitch!

A day and a night
20 hours went by
alone in the room
She squirmed and rocked
As the sun came up
She hadn't slept
owwww owww ahhhhh owwwweeee
owwwwww ahhhhhhh ahhhhh
A thunderous pain
with every breath
Involuntary movements
Came and went
squeezing her organs
Torturing her soul
30 hours later
She was dying, she thought
owwwwwwwww
Just kill me now please
Knives and razors inside visceral walls
Scraping veins and sensitive nerves.
Shaken by the seat
Of physical distress .
She rode the waves
Overflowing with guilt
Crying for Shame
It's all my fault, all my fault...
As the fetus involuntarily pulled away
From uterus and womb
Clinging to her insides,
her flesh and blood
Not wanting to be born
owwwwww aaaaaaahhhhhhhh
Her screams escalated
rang throughout hospital walls
God help me god help me God help me mommy
Mommy mommmmmm

Then hour 35 a nurse came in  
put a glove on
And examined her again
She shook her head
No sorry no  no not yet
owwwwwwww ahhhhhhh oweeeeeeeeeee
Fuck You All! She vehemently railed
All of you can go to Hell!

More whispering out side the door

She held her belly and bawled
Goodbye little one
I know you're so strong
You want to live
Maybe I'll know you
In another life ohhhh owwwwwwwww owwwwww ahhhhhch
Pain like a knife twisting her gut
prolonged magnitude of torturous agony
The Nurses outside the room
Couldn't do anything
They were sad for Girl
And a Baby who wanted to live
Not torn from her body like a dirty Shame

Then hour 40, 4:30 am
The doctor came in disgruntled
And yelled OK....
Prepare ze room
Girl wrenched and kicked
They wheeled her into delivery
His demeanor changed
He was on a mission
Made no eye contact
Assumed a position
Shah you must be qviet now
All is goot. OK?
I prrromise
Again the white screen across her belly
The Doctor probed and started yelling
Get me Hot Vater
C'mon Girl
"spread your legs!
He harshly demanded
Lay still
Help me get zis out...

His left hand harshly pried them open
He plunged the right hand wrist deep in her vagina...
Deep inside her aching torment...
They dimmed the lights
It was now or never
He maneuvered and felt for a slippery blob
he pulled and pulled with all his might
ayyyyyyyyy ahhhhhhhhhhh she howled
She was now floating above her body
Caught between life and the light in the tunnel
He pulled again
And twisted hard
Gott in Himmel he swore, C'mon
He furiously pulled once more
Then felt the rip...
Shards and bits of baby flesh...
Tore from a tender womb
He roughly yanked a slimy mass
Girl Screamed at the top of her lungs
He gaped at the sight
his mouth wide open
Gripping the tiny body in his hand
The nurse stood by to wrap it up
When with out warning
Gushed copious,
broken placenta blood spattered in all directions.
Splattering uniforms, walls and flood
Dousing the face of Doctor Fuchs
A towel! He yelled a towel!
The room was silent
Listening for a next command
He let out a sigh tremendous relief
His legs were shaking
He held on to the bed
Mine Gott!
Danke shoen
ze is ge laibt!

Girl never saw the needle coming
she passed out
Finally at peace.

Dreams of blue sky's
An airplane window
She woke up
broken
A worn out shell.
In the distance
She heard a newborn crying
A thought
Could it be mine?
My baby alive
Three months early
Unready to be born
Could it be? It's not dead?

A Morning Nurse came in cheerfully
With a thermometer and a pad
She said how do you feel today...
But before she could take girls temperature
Girl had questions to ask...

Nurse, she beseeched, please tell me please
Was it alive at birth? Did it live?
Did you see my baby ? Did you see?
How did they kill my child?
Did they strangle it ?
Where's the body? Please! Where is it?
Thrown in the garbage?
Used for science?...she Pleaded
Did you bury it? How did it die?
Given poison... Shot with drugs?
Was it suffocated?
Did the doctor kill it? How much did it weigh
A boy or a girl?Dead or alive?
She had to know....
Where is my child???
The Nurse
about to talk When,

Never you Mind!
Mother appeared in the room
her mission complete except for one
Just be quiet
And do as your told...
Never ask anyone what it was...
You don't want to know
Girl pleaded but I do!!!
But I do! I do I do she sobbed

Mother perky perfectly ironed
amazed she said
Wow you survived!
Did it Hurt? Huh?
Take these pills,
go on take it
Your breasts won't fill
It'll dry the milk
Mother leaned in
And slyly whispered
never tell a soul do you hear?
Keep this to your self
For life
Or I'll kill you myself
Do you hear?
It's a miracle...as Far as I'm concerned
Do you understand?
It's all your fault.do you hear?
Now...
Get up Girl
Get up get dressed
Girl  in shock
Can't I have a day to rest?
No! We have things to do!
Completely defeated girl said to the Nurse
Shvester epis tsu trinken?
Mother laughed at her broken German
As the Nurse brought Girl water to drink

Mother had no sympathy
Just another day
While Girl thought about
Where she'd like to live
When she got back to the States,
But Mother had other plans
You're staying in Israel
For another year
To live and work on a kibbutz
I signed the papers today
It'll will be good for you
She gloated...amongst Jews
Your not coming home you have no choice
No choice ....do You hear?
For at least a year,we'll see.... Maybe more!

No choice
Mother had packed her bags
Stolen her voice
No choice
Losing the best years she would ever have.
After the Saline Abortion
Mother only said
Another girl would be dead by now...
But not you.

I'll write to you soon
Here's some money
Mother threw her a hundred dollar bill
Don't spend it all in one place
Maybe now you'll grow up
But I don't see that as a possibility,
You? Not you!!!
She mocked discouragingly...

They had taken care of Shame
Never mentioned it again
The Uncle, the Aunt and Mother
Drove Girl North, to a settlement
Where she would pick apples
And work for her stay
Kibbutz Kfar Blum
It was cooler there they told her
In the Upper Galilee
In a valley on the Jordan River...
They dropped Girl off
To become a woman
To live in secrecy
In a foreign country.
All alone.


 


© Copyright 2017 Mir Wilder. All rights reserved.

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