'Cause I can.

I roll onto my back, feeling the sheets slide over my skin. I stare at the ceiling until the dust motes settle, and consider getting up for the hundredth time. It seems like so much effort- sitting up and throwing my legs over the edge. As though it’s the fiftieth sit up, after a ten k run. Instead I put it off by another few minutes, turning my head to the clock on my bedside table. I think about what I have to do today, and the wave of depression I’d been keeping at bay crashes through my chest, sinking my heart. It bothers me. I could cope with so much more than this. I’d done it millions of times before. This was just a normal day, in a standard week. Get up, go to work, and see my boyfriend and friends. Go back to bed, exhausted. But even the ease of it seemed to drain me. I clear my head and pull myself upright, begging myself to stay that way, because it’s going to be okay. I tell myself that and it is. But if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t notice, because my minds already a million miles away. As I walk into the kitchen, my minds already at the bathroom. When I get there, it’s already at the kettle. Leaping directly from one task to the next, with no time to think in between.
And that’s how I’ll get through another day.

I treat my days like a workout for my mind, like I’m my own personal trainer. Excersise releases endorphins, which in turn, light up your life. So I excersise, every minute of every day. Not to lose weight, because I don’t need to. I do it to keep my mind and body healthy, so I’ll always be able to achieve that fiftieth sit up. I look up at the clock at work and can’t believe it’s only been seventeen minutes since I walked in. But I drag my eyes away, and throw a smile on my face. My parents didn’t pay thousands of dollars on braces for nothing. I don’t spend ten minutes every morning making sure my makeup’s perfect for no reason. I look good, so I’ll feel good when people look at me. And they will. I hear my name and look up to my manager. She nods at the counter and I step forward, still smiling, even though I know it’ll be like a marathon getting what they want across.
 

Finally, I’m walking out the door and back to my car. I pull off my work hat, and lift my head to the sun. I pull my attention back down to Earth and walk to my car, opening the door and throwing myself into the heat. I reverse and fly out of the car park, cranking the volume and winding down the windows on the way to see my boyfriend. Every time, my heart races in anticipation of his smile, the warmth of his hugs. Stepping into his arms is like lowering yourself into a warm bath. Once I’m with him, the mental battle ends. My constant panic subsides, and I realise that I can enjoy myself and let the mistakes and accidents wash over me. I’m myself again. He’s reminded me of what I was, and how I can be it again. My doctors diagnosed me with depression, anxiety, OCD and difficulty coping with the grief that stains my past. They’ve put me on medication, and said I need to see a psychologist. I have trouble travelling long distances in cars, for fear of having an asthma or panic attack on the highway. I don’t like going to movies, the close seating and suffocating darkness leaves me claustrophobic. Socialising with my friends seems like so much effort. But I’ve let myself lie in this pity party for too long. I can’t afford a psychologist. But more importantly, I can’t afford to think I need one.

I will get through this, because I have always have. Because I want to feel the way I do with him, all the time. And because I want it this badly, I will.

So there.

 


Submitted: June 08, 2012

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Aaron Pulis

Well written :) Hope things get better for you :) Writing things like these let those with similar feelings without a creative outlet such as ours, know that they are not alone :) Keep writing, and if you have time, I would appreciate if you would check out something of mine :)

Fri, June 8th, 2012 12:31pm

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I've actually gotten a lot better, in the past couple months since I first wrote this, but still a long way to go. My boyfriend found it on my computer and asked why I hadn't put it up... So I thought 'eh, why not.'

I'd be happy to check out something of yours. Any recommendations? :)

Sun, June 10th, 2012 11:35pm

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