I Should Have Slept in

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
There are days when you should just stay in bed.

Submitted: September 28, 2008

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Submitted: September 28, 2008

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I Should Have Slept In

By Michelle Murphy

“Why is the cat in the refrigerator?”

I take the cat off the shelf, where she was enjoying herself with the butter, and close the door. I don't even know why I bother asking. I know no one is going to give me any sort of an answer. I should have gotten up earlier instead of staying in bed that extra hour. Oh well, it is Saturday, and Travis had to go to work.

I start the coffee and wander back into the living room. The morning music fills the air, and I can hear the arguing coming from the bedrooms already.

"That is my shirt, and I didn't give you permission to wear it!"

"Well, it looks better on me!"

I ignore the commotion from the first bedroom, and keep walking down the hallway.

"I don't care if you want to give me $100. You still owe me from last time, and I am not making up your bed!"

The second bedroom wasn't sounding any better. I quicken my steps so I will not be noticed. My son, Josh, pops out of the third door.

"Hi, Mom. Look I got dressed all by myself."

The blond curly-headed kindergartener was dressed in Spiderman swim trunks, a bright gold and red Christmas sweater, and black socks with summer sandals.

"I can see that. You look good."

"Thanks! Can I have breakfast?"

"Can I get dressed first?"

"Sure."

I start walking to my room again, and notice he is following me.

"I can get dressed all by myself."

"I know."

"That means you can go away."

"But I want to talk to you."

"I'll talk to you after I get dressed. Why don't you go feed the dogs."

"Okay, Momma."

Off he ran, and I closed my bedroom door and took a deep breath. Morning comes too early these days. The arguing from the other rooms comes trickling in under my door. Why does each morning start this way? Because they are kids, and they'll outgrow it after they move away. Yea, like that will ever happen.

I don't even bother with a bra today, and throw on a pair of sweat pants and one of my husband's T-shirts. There is no use in getting dolled up. The floors need scrubbing today, as well as the walls and the bathrooms.

"Mom?" Josh opens my door a crack and pops his head in.

"What did I tell you about knocking?"

"You said I should knock before coming into your room."

"Did you knock?"

"No, but you said I should, not that I HAD to."

"Alright, smart butt. Next time knock."

"Okay, Mom." His voice has that tiny hint of defeat in it that only small children and the elderly can pull off well.

"So, what do you want?" I pat him on the head and leave the bedroom. My small companion follows.

"I want breakfast."

"Well, I want a million dollars."

"If I give you a million dollars, will you make me breakfast?"

"If you got real money."

"There is a lot of money in the Monopoly game."

"I guess that'll do. Come on lets get breakfast started."

Josh and I enter the kitchen and take a survey of the cupboard. There is oatmeal, pancake mix, and a variety of cold cereals. None of them, however, are very appealing to me at the moment, so I fix myself a cup of coffee.

"Can I have coffee too?"

"No, right now coffee is just for me and Dad."

In the middle of my first sip my daughter, Sarafina, runs into the kitchen.

"Mom! You have to come quick!" Her big blue eyes are enlarged in panic.

"What happened this time?" I can't even fake that I am interested in what happened. Something tells me I don't even want to know.

"Lyssa is stuck in the toilet." As soon as the words are out of her mouth, Josh starts to giggle.

"What?!"

"Lyssa went to sit on the toilet, and someone, " her eyes fix on Josh, "left the seat up so she fell in."

"Well then, help her out."

"I tried," that annoying whine was starting to infiltrate her voice, "but she is wedged in there or something cause I can't get her out."

"Great." Exasperated I put down my cup of coffee. This is just how I love to start the day.

"Mom!" Caiti heads straight for me. "Mom!"

"What?"

"I can't find my sheet music!"

" Go look for it. I can't help you right now. Your sister is stuck in the toilet."

A huge smile takes over Caiti's face, and it is very apparent that she is trying not to laugh.

"Go fix your brother some breakfast, while I go help Lyssa." She gives me that do-I-have-to look. "Today, Caiti."

"Come on!" Caiti grabs her brother and takes him into the kitchen.

I continue on into the bathroom. I can hear Lyssa sobbing way before I step into the bathroom. Lyssa always seems to take things to the crying stage.

"Mom, I'm stuck in the toilet, and I can't get out." She is now entering the hysterical phase.

"Well, you can take a shower once I get you out of there. How did this happen? Didn't you notice the seat was up?" Well that was a stupid question. If she had noticed she would have put it down.

"I wasn't awake yet, Mom, and I had to go!"

"Well, next time go potty with your eyes open."

I wrap my arms around her, and tug. The toilet will not release her.

Sarafina lets out a huge sigh. "I did that already," she proclaims in an I-told-you-so sort of tone.

I shoot her the shut-up-and-go-away look, which seems to work on her. I turn my attention back to Lyssa.

"I am going to try something else." Lyssa crying in huge hiccups now shakes her head 'yes' in acknowledgement. "ABBY!" I shout my daughter's name which compels her to come to the door. "I want you to go into the kitchen, and bring me the cooking spray."

"Why?"

"Because I said so. Now go get it." Why do they do that? Why can I not just tell them to do something, and they do it, and that be that?

Abby returns with the can in hand. "What are you going to do, cook her?"

"No!" screams Lyssa in another fit of hysterics.

"I am not going to cook you. Thanks a lot! Go eat breakfast."

Abby starts to walk off. "Don't let the toilet goblin get ya, Lyssa, " she calls out as she leaves.

"I don't want the toilet goblin to get me, Mom!" she wails loudly.

"There is no toilet goblin. She is just trying to upset you." I start to spray the cooking spray on the bits of my daughter touching the toilet.

"I don't want it to eat me!"

"Will you stop screaming in my ear? There is no goddamn toilet goblin!" I instantly regret that statement, but it gets her to stop crying.

"MOM!"

"What?" I answer as I finish lubricating the small girl.

"You said a bad word."

"I know. Let's not make a big deal out of it. Now let's get you out of here. Put your arms around my neck." Lyssa's small arms wrap themselves around my neck, as I wrap mine about her body. "Okay, on three I am gonna pull. Count with me.. One...Two.. Three." I yank as hard as I can, and with a large popping sound she is freed from the toilet.

"Gross! There's poop in there!" Savannah announces loudly, her head poking into the bathroom at the door.

"Well, she wasn't sitting on the toilet for nothing," I tell her. I turn around and start the shower water as Lyssa flushes the toilet. "Take a shower and you'll feel better," I tell Lyssa. "Now what do you want? " I say,addressing Savannah.

"I don't know what they are supposed to be doing in the kitchen, but Josh told Caiti that if she doesn't give him some cereal he is going to pee on her."

Why did Travis have to go volunteer to work on Saturday? Why didn't I go with him? Savannah gives me a look that means she understands I am close to breaking and walks away. Lyssa climbs into the shower, and I let out a large sigh as I put the toilet lid down and sit on it.

There is no way I am going in there.


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