Interviews of a Lifetime: Satan

This is set up as an interview. The speaker is in bold, and there are no quotation marks because this is a conversation, and I thought them unnecessary.

Michelle Murphy

Good evening and welcome to Interviews of a Lifetime. Tonight is a very special interview, as I will be going one on one with Satan, himself. Uncensored and unedited the interview will run without any commercial interruptions. Now before you get alarmed I would like to point out that we have had assurances that watching the interview will not endanger your soul, or put you in any harm. We have obtained a guarantee from on high delivered by Archangel Michael personally.

Now most of you are familiar with my guest tonight, and his actions recorded since written history began. Tonight our goal is to become familiar with Satan and let him speak candidly with us on everything from soul collection and free willtohow he is portrayed publicly.

Welcome to our show. How are you?

Satan
I am doing good, Michelle. Thank you for asking.

Michelle

Now before we really get started, there are so many names for you from The Morning Star to King of Lies which do you prefer to be called?

Satan

They are all so colorful, and quite imaginative. Humankind has really put a lot of effort into making me into the ugliest creature ever, but really, I prefer to be called Carl.

Michelle

Carl?

Satan

Yea, I find that the name Carl makes it easier to deal with people, especially one on one. When they hear the name Satan or Lucifer some button gets pushed in the mind, and they just lose it, but if I introduce myself as Carl sometimes they even doubt they are dealing with the King Of All Evil. It just makes my job easier.

Michelle

Isn’t that a little deceitful?

Satan

No, I don’t think so.

Michelle

That brings me to another question. One of your more colorful names is The Father of Lies, Carl, and you are presented as such a deceitful being. Is there any merit to those opinions?

Satan

I don’t think so. There are rules to this job. I cannot outright lie. That is a little known fact. On the other hand, I am not required to divulge the entire truth, so if omissions are a form of telling a falsehood I am guilty. I think the bigger part of that is how I make deals, or I should say, how my agents make deals. I hardly ever deal directly with the public anymore, although if the challenge is there I do make an appearance.

Michelle

And how exactly does that work?

Satan

Okay, here is an example. Say you rub a lamp and are entitled to three wishes. By the way all such wish granting creatures work for me. Say you rub the lamp for your three wishes, and you wish for a million dollars. I will make sure you get your million dollars, but I may kill your child in a horrible accident, so you get settlement or insurance money.

Michelle

That doesn’t seem right.

Satan

It may not be right, but there is a price for everything, and even a wish will cost you. Just because you were not specific in where the money comes from is not my fault. Remember the saying “Be careful what you wish for you just may get it”? I started that.

Michelle

Now let me turn back the clock, and you were involved in a pretty big upset in Heaven at one point. Would you like to talk about that?

Satan

You’re talking about the big break up with the boss. Yea, I got a lot of bad press out of that. I really didn’t get to tell my part of it to the public, and then, you know, God has a fabulous PR machine. They have been spinning that in his favor for a millennia.

Michelle

So, what is your side of things?

Satan

Well it wasn’t because I wanted to take over. It was more of a workplace grievance. See God gave humans free will. They are the only ones in all of creation to have free will. Angels do not have that, and it makes our separation from God painful. We were made to serve Him and only Him. Talk about ego issues. When I learned that humans were getting this terrific gift, I got jealous. Why humans? Why not me? One thing lead to another and next thing I was fired and thrown out. It was all just terribly traumatic.

MichelleWhy did you think he did that?

Satan

Well when you are in the midst of an argument sometimes you say things you don’t really mean. I started saying stuff like: “You're nothing but a hack.” “I can run things better than you.” Just running my mouth off, and it came back to bite me. He really cannot take advice or criticism. Sometimes he just acts like a tot throwing a tantrum. Look what he did to Sodom. I was having too much fun, so he destroyed it. Noah and the Ark, another case of no one paying enough attention to Him. He is such a big baby sometimes.

Michelle

Well, we are almost out of time. Is there anything you would like the public to know before we go?

Satan

I would like to encourage them to think before acting. All things have a price, and you should make sure you can pay it.

Michelle

Thanks so much for coming and talking with me today, Satan.

Satan

Carl.

Michelle

I am sorry, Carl. I hope we can do this again sometime.

Satan

Anytime. This has been a lot of fun.

Michelle

Next week Interviews of a Lifetime will be talking with the one and only Tooth Fairy. You don’t want to miss that one. Good night, everyone.