Other

It was just me and the Other there. I don’t remember why we were, or how, but it all just was, and nothing more. I loved Other, just as Other loved me, in what seemed to be our land of make-believe. All alone and nobody else, ever, just the two of us together forever. Time seemed to stand still and watch over us as we would draw our thoughts in the sky. Other was always so impressive. Always creating, defying, whatever I had thought our limitations were; always exceeding our presumed bounds. I often wondered if Other would take it too far and expand our land into something that we never wanted. We just wanted, and that never changed.

I remember one time, Other was building our sand castles in the clouds. That was when everything was perfect. I felt safe here and never wanted to go back to wherever our origin was, whatever that was. Here in our own land we were free. We ruled our world in our castles in the clouds. This sweet secluded solitude was all Other ever knew, but I felt it as novelty, though it is all I have ever known as well. Despite this, far distant thoughts bring me a sense of misplacement. It is as if I didn’t belong here, but we both knew the Other existed only here. Other was at home, but I never was, though I always wanted to be. I was set free, nonetheless, and appreciated my ability to acknowledge this fact and enjoy our own world. Other was teaching me everything, creating is what we knew; it is all we knew and we were amazing. Our world was astounding, nothing out of place, and everything perfect. Our castles being the finishing touch on our land of perfection.

Often times I wonder if I will wake from this reality and find it was all a dream, allowing me to make sense of my feelings of misplacement. No sense of identity, nothing of past recognition, just nothing. It is as though fugue consumed me and left me here. I can’t say how long I have been here, I just remember the initial. The time when I opened my eyes and saw the Other, the reflection, the independent entity. Same spoken words and a mutual understanding of each other instantly. Other said to me: “This is our world, so let’s make it everything we’ve ever dreamed of” and kissed me with a smile. This is when we started to create, and create we did.

I often wonder if I died and am in my own private heaven, where everything is perfect. However, this thought is one of the few unpleasant to cross my mind here, because if I have died and am in heaven, then I often wonder if this is it. Perfection is flawed. If I have come to learn one thing from being here, it is that inherent flaw, which makes me uneasy. I’ve created this all to be perfect. It’s all nature around me, or at least, what I have known nature to be, thus it is limited by my own knowledge. Other understands my perceptions and does their best to make everything just how I like it. Other often does things, anything, to see me smile. I long to reciprocate, but Other has little concept of what things are beyond what they’ve been informed of by me. In this sense, Other is not very creative at all, because they don’t create what hasn’t already been thought of by me. I’m often saddened by this and feel lonely, as though I am the only one here that can truly think and create. The thought of creating an idea is lost on Other, but I will do my best to omit this flaw in our world of perfection.

Other is so happy, which leads me to believe that I may not be, especially by the unending things done in order to make me smile. Other says that’s the reason they live, it keeps them going and they want to do everything they can to make me happy, which is one reason I love them so much. The endless kindness presented is moving and always has been. However, whenever I try to do something for Other, there is always confusion; they don’t understand the concept of reciprocity.

My mood has been fading lately. Our world has been complete for a very long time, but there is no concept of time here. All I can say is that I wish it would accelerate towards something, anything. I don’t understand the boundaries that such limitless landscapes and possibilities seem to create for me. There needs to be more, always more, but that is not something that neither of us can fulfill. The more I make, the emptier I feel. It is as if creating takes a part of me that cannot be replaced. Though we create it all, we are still left without, but neither of us can figure it out. It is mainly me, though, because Other is oblivious to this feeling as well. Sometimes I wonder if Other feels anything genuine at all, or if they’re just emotionless. I long to scream at Other, asking them why they’re so mindlessly elated continuously, never hindered by any internal or external factor, but I know my efforts in that would be futile. Other is only unhappy when it is evident that I myself am not. It hurts me even more to see the look of failure on Other’s face. It is as if their life is dedicated to making me happy, but the harder they try, the less happy I become.

Perhaps the reason I feel so empty is due to the fact that there are no others here. It is just us. We can’t create additionals. Additionals must be free thinking entities, but only our minds can control. Any addition would be of our own mind, nothing more than a projection of self, which is even more depressing than just the two of us. At least I have Other, a non-falsified entity. I don’t know what I would do without them; they make this world bearable. I’ve been letting Other know how much they mean to me and how much I love them. I couldn’t exist without Other here – I think I would lose what little is left inside.

Sometimes I wonder, in my dark hours when I need to hide away in our castles, hide away from Other, if Other is nothing more than an additional. An accidental addition of self when I first became conscious of this new reality. However, I can’t bring myself to bear the thought. I can’t describe the horrors this brings, knowing that I might very well be all alone and that the person I love is nothing more than a materialized projection of my mind in order to cope with chronic isolation. I remind myself of reasons why this is nonsense, but I can’t shake the fear no matter how hard I try. It would be an upheaval to my world and mind that I do not wish to experience.

I saw something strange recently, something not created by myself or Other. Other doesn’t understand the concept of lying, so I know it is something amiss and it caused me a great deal of anxiety. There were missing parts of our world. We do not destroy. Neither of us has ever ended a creation; everything must remain after it exists, those are the rules. But, nevertheless, missing parts are evident. Other is very confused and contends that they will make everything exactly as it was before, but I am afraid to replace what has been lost because of the chance that it will vanish again.

When everything was back to normal, we were both at ease and things continued on as they always have and presumably always will. This has been the first and only time that our world has self-modified, and hopefully the last. I like it the way we made it and I don’t want that to ever be forgotten. I wonder if this was caused by my negative mindset as of late. My mental state has been quite off and my thoughts of emptiness may have manifested onto my surrounding environment. If this world was created by the two of us, than my own internal emptiness is sure to be reason for the recent external alterations.

Other came to me today with a look of worry, an emotion that I have never seen them express. Other told me that something is wrong here. Other explained they didn’t understand what was happening, but saw an additional and it didn’t seem to like Other. It’s been breaking what we’ve created, and Other believes it’s not going to stop. After the Other calmed down, we flew around and searched for it; which Other described as an additional. Though this thought frightened Other, it excited me. If it were true, then maybe there would finally be another entity in which we could interact with. I have longed for this for a very long time. We flew everywhere, but there was no sight of an additional. I asked if Other thought that it might have been a projection, but they contend that it wasn’t and that it altered our world again, showing me the proof. Sure enough, there was a large amount of our world, our reality, missing. Far larger than last time. I know diseases can take, destroy, and corrupt, so I wonder if this is disease. If so, then I wonder how we are to stop it.

It took us a lot of work and time to replicate, which is not something that I am fond of doing. No matter how hard we try, we cannot make a perfect replica; our memories are not as accurate as we had hoped and we now live in what I call ‘distorted perfection’. However, I gave up calling our world perfect long ago. It isn’t. Other is still in denial of this fact and when I don’t show my hidden aversion for this place, or there isn’t disease taking away our creations, they are endlessly elated. I’ve done my best to explain this fact over and over again, but to no avail. I have come to realize this is a futile effort on expanding Other’s horizons.

I caught sight of disease today taking away, demolishing our elevated empire without care or concern. They just looked happy about it! They were happy at the destruction of our work! Flying over, I caught disease and demanded answers of its origin, intent, and understanding of our world. I needed to understand this being’s purpose, even if it was of sole intent to continuously destroy what we create and so tirelessly rectify. It, much like me, does not know its origin or purpose here. It says it is just Another, and nothing more. With much introspection I still try to decide whether or not I am the creator of Another, but contend I am not. Another is surprisingly benevolent towards me, coming and going sporadically. I do not know where they disappear to, but they come and go without warning. It seems as though they exist to destroy, unlike the Other and I. There is no given reason, yet I feel as though Another is hiding something from me. It is clear to me that this entity is independently thinking.

I’ve asked Another about thoughts other than this current reality. To my surprise, Another doesn’t even comprehend the basic concept of creating, which is something myself and Other has always comprehended, but just to different extents. Another can only grasp the idea of taking away, wanting, longing, to erase this reality from us. As much as this upset me, I realized it wasn’t out of spite, or any negative emotion, it was just what Another knew.

Another and Other are very different from each other and do not get along. It has been great fun having Another around, aside from fixing the damages they cause. Another often hassles Other, which I think has been getting out of control as of late. Other can no longer create, as Another is constantly following behind destroying everything that Other creates. I commend Other for their never-ending patients; they just continuously recreate, only for it to be destroyed seconds later. Other is truly kind and patient, but I can tell the strain it is causing them in order to tolerate the presence of Another. I think it is just hard for Other to cope with the fact that the past reality is no longer since the introduction of Another into our world. We must tolerate Another, even if the destruction is troublesome to deal with. Hidden jealousy is also becoming extremely evident, since I spend most of my time getting to know and understand Another.

 I rarely see Another disappear anymore and have noticed for the first time that I might have been oblivious to Other’s vacancies, which I noted once recently. Upon asking Other about this, I was confronted by confusion, they told that they were not the one to leave, but I was instead, and begged me not to leave them alone here again. Other is scared of this world when I am not present. According to Other, I had left with Another, which I have no memory of. Other doesn’t know how to lie, and Another is unaware of this happening as well. I can’t make sense of this contradiction, but I think that Other must have been confused and wondered off for some time, but I have yet to make sure. I will be keeping close tabs on both of them from now on.

There have been several more incidences where it is either I that disappears, or Other. According to Other, I am always with Another when this happens. Another never goes away now and is always around. I like Another – I feel comforted by their presence and feel far more at ease, more like I belong. I think it is because of the novelty. I have been with Other for so long that I needed an introduction of something new, something that was beyond either of our creative abilities. It is funny, our world is looking the worst it has ever been, yet I couldn’t feel happier. It is as though the more Another takes away, the more I gain back inside. I feel bad for Other, constantly working to make everything perfect again; make everything the way it used to be, but always failing to succeed. I seldom see Other elated anymore; it is as if the happier I grow, that sadder Other grows, which is an emotion I had never seen before until Another came. I probably shouldn’t get along with Another as I do, especially seeing what they do to Other and how they treat them. The things done to Other are depressing, yet I find myself having trouble to intervene. Other still does endlessly kind things for me, while Another just takes and destroys, so why is it that I am so drawn to Another?

I saw Other break today, something that I didn’t know was possible. Crying at the ruins of our once perfect world that we built together. It saddens me to see Other so sad, so defeated; Another has not just broken down our world, but Other as well. I tell Other how I didn’t want for things to go this way and explain that this is a cycle; how everything needs to break down and be rebuilt, but it is a concept that eludes Other. In his world, nothing ever failed or broke, nothing ever came or left. It just was and always was, until Another. Losing me to Another was the greatest defeat, they explained to me. Other wanted nothing more than to make me happy, but couldn’t comprehend the fact that I never was anymore. Other talked of building a new, better world, and said they would do anything and everything to make it even more perfect than before, but I rejected the proposal. I knew that it would all be a result of my creativity, which had limitations that I was bound to. This current reality was a representation of this fact.

Another is growing malicious towards Other. I can no longer bear to see it, so I hide away whenever Other is around, but that is becoming less and less, just like our ‘perfect’ world. Sometimes I look around this dead land and am filled with nostalgia of what it once was because I know I will never see it again. I have given up on recreating what has been destroyed, but Other can’t. Another is stronger than Other, so Other doesn’t get a choice. I find Other very broken often. Laying in the dirt, using whatever strength is left to try and recreate. Other made a field of flowers and smiled, such a sad smile, reminding me of a favorite memory we shared. Before long, Another destroyed this creation, just as with the others, right before Other’s eyes.

It has been a long time since I’ve seen Other since that day. I have yet to learn if it is Another and I that go away, or Other alone that strays. This world is now flat and barren. The clouds have all fallen down and the sky is always dark. All that we planted has died, just as the buildings we constructed has collapsed. I laid eyes on my old friend once again, sad to see what’s become of them. There isn’t much left of Other anymore, just like the rest of this place. Another, smiling at me, told me we can leave this place, but I need to learn to leave Other behind as well. As much as I want to save Other from this wasteland, Another asserts that it is a lost cause. With tears running down my eyes, I say goodbye to Other, knowing this will be our last encounter. As I turned away, I hear awful things that I’ll never dare say. Another has done to Other the only thing they know.

The realization of reality has left me dead inside, as they’re no longer with me. Another abandoned me as soon as I was free. I still hear Other’s voice sometimes in the depths of my mind, but I know it will soon be forgotten. Maybe in a dream Other will visit me, but I know that they’ll only be an additional now, nothing more than a projection, a wish, a fallacy created in a new world of make-believe. Maybe that will be the world Other spoke of, a private heaven, a new land of perfection, where we can live on together for a finite forever.