I got a message for anyone that feels like killing themselves. Have you thought of your life after you get through this dark part of your life? Have you thought of the family you're going to have? What about the job you're going to have? What about the wonderful life that will lie after this other life brightens up? If you haven't, then start thinking! I know how you feel. You feel like you're too broken to be fixed. You feel like you're trapped in an eternal night where the dark clouds cover the shining moon and the glistening stars. You feel like your trapped in a dark box with no way out. I feel like the only way to end all the suffering and pain is to allow a bullet to rip your brain to shreds, to allow a silver blade to tear open your blood vessels, to allow a ton of pills to ravage your body, or the allow a noose to tighten around your neck and yank until the bones snap. Even if you don't end your life, you run a blade over your wrists and allow the dark feelings to come out in the form of crimson red blood that hits the floor with a quiet tap.
I know the cutting feels like a remedy. It allows the feelings of sadness, emptiness, and hopelessness be replaced with the pain of a deep cut on your wrist. But soon the pain in your wrist becomes numb and it doesn't hurt to hurt yourself anymore. It starts to become a way to relieve the pain you feel in your heart. You feel you can't go one day without the cold blade piercing your skin. But you can go one day. You can even go two, then three, then four, and then go on without a single scratch from your own hand for weeks, months, and years. I know because I did it. It felt like a cool wave of water was falling over my skin when the blade scrapped out my skin. Soon it became a necessary part of my existence. It didn't hurt to run the blade deeper and deeper and deeper until I knew I could seriously injure myself if I went any further. My daily remedy was a devil in disguise the entire time. I got fed up with fighting the evil angel inside myself. So I went out my back door with my red Swiss army knife in my hand. I held my arm back as far as it could go and I threw the God forsaken blade far into the dense woods behind my house. I never bothered to go looking for it and I never made another knife cut my skin. I won a battle, but I still had to win the war.
Just because you stop cutting doesn't mean the pain won't go away. I know I had many thoughts of suicide and overall sadness after I stopped. I even thought about having a relapse and doing it again. Luckily, I was able to stop the urge and I never cut since I threw my blade into the woods. The feelings won't go away unless you fight them with all your might. But how do you fight your own feelings? It seems impossible. You might as well be punching yourself in the face if you want to fight your own feelings. How can you fight yourself with yourself? I came to conclusion for this. Somewhere deep down inside of your heart, there is the true you. They are patiently waiting for you to defeat the sadness and emptiness so that they can be release from their cage and flood your body with happiness and jubilation. You have to keep fighting so you can let your true self out of it's cage made of darkness and fear. You have be able to fight your own darkness with the light that you've managed to scavenge from within the darkest corners or your heart. Soon the light you find will grow from a small candle flickering in the dark to a bright dazzling sun that lights up the entire world and brings dawn to every corner where there is still dusk. Once you find the light to destroy the dark thoughts and feelings, you can use it to navigate the twists and turns to find your true self. Then you will use the light as a key to unlock the cursed cage to free the true you.
Where do you get this light that is essential to find your true self? The light is usually kept in a room where the door is locked and the only key is in a form that is very hard to procure. The room it's kept in is a person and the key is friendship. I'm not talking about the casual friends you see everyday that you only say a few words to. I'm talking about the friends that tell you to smile, and when you don't they make you smile. The friends that will run and shout out of happiness and joy and take you along with them for the ride. The friends that will feel the pain you have and cry their eyes out along side you. The friends that see right through your fake smiles and your lies about feeling just fine and just being tired. The friends that you can say anything about your feelings and they won't get uncomfortable. They have the light that you need and it is your responsibility to make to key. You forge it over time through conversation after conversation about your feelings, your struggles, and your dark thoughts. Once the lovely diamond key forms, put it into the shimmering golden lock and push the door that is made of snow white pearls wide open. Walk into the bright room with the pure gold floor underneath your feet and the walls that are made of bright red rubies, striking green emeralds, deep blue sapphires, and crystal clear diamonds sparkle in the light. Take the precious light in your careful hands. Hold it close and never ever let it go. Take the light in whatever dark place you come to. Hold the light above your head and let it consume the darkness until it is nothing more but harmless ash.
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