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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic

It is already a summary of thoughts of a womans life.

I am desperate,lost full of hate.

Not for anyone in this world, I feel this hate growing inside of me but towards myself.

I did what I did in my life for 32 years. Grew up in a fucked up way. Got beaten up everyday.

Got married three times. Engaged one time, all in ten years. Had two babies from two different marriages.

In the end I'm lost, alone with two kids I rarely see.

What's the use of trying again. What's the use?

I am hopeless. I'm sorry for my two babies.

I didn't want to die, but they are just not here.

They are far far away. Not miles but two three months away from me.

Every two to three months I see them. I gave up on them. I left them alone. It's my fault...

Poor babies. My poor little babies.

I miss them all the time. I'm grieving all these years through.

I'm trying to have a life but I can't.

I'm such a loser.

I don't know what my babies like to eat, like what's their favourite food or game or lets say tv show..when they take a bath. what they do during the day. Who treats them right or wrong.Yet i do search for a man. how selfish am I?

What kind of mum am I?

funny thing is in the end, I'd always get dumpedby men. And if not getting dumped I just run away.

Well i always had loser relationships. I run to losers.

I know I am beautiful, but all these men made me feel ugly and old.

I hate them.

'cause I hate me and people say if you hate yourself you can't love anybody.

Well.. I hate myself.

I hate it very much. Wouldn't I be waiting to see my sons tomorrow after three months, I'd be swallowing some pills right now, or jump from the balcony or anything.

Death is still waiting. I'm begging god to kill me somehow.

I'd cross the road hoping to be crashed by a car. I wana hear my bones crush. Making that relieving sounds.

It would be like a lullaby to me to help me get some sleepand rest, I want my brain to rest. I wanna fall to an endless sleep. Please don't wake me up if I do. I beg you.

I am tired of searching, trying, hoping, wishing, faking that I'm happy.

i am waiting for this day, when death would come to take me home.

i never had a home. I never felt anywhere like home. Never.

Weird. Such a big world and nowhere to run to.

So I choose the other world. Maybe I'd find some corner to rest there.

Maybe I'd feel safe in deaths' arms and fall in a very deep sleep.

so safe and sound.

I'm waiting for you death.....I'm counting the seconds.

Don't keep me waitng for too long. 'cause I am tired.

As for my kids....I love u my babies. I wish I never left u behind.

Nothing ever deserves this leaving u behind.

I should have stayed habibeti. I love u my angels.

but I am tired of living.

I am just waiting now.

I am trying to convince death that nobody deserves to die any more but me.

I should be the next.

put my life to an end death!!!

hurry up will you!!!

Submitted: September 01, 2012

© Copyright 2022 monakaraki. All rights reserved.

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