Step one: Make a rule of not contacting your ex under no circumstance for at least 60 days. No contact = no calls, emails, texts, posts, checking facebook, twitter, my space, dating sites, no drive bys, no calling and hung up, no nothing!
The idea is not to hold on for 60 days and not talk but wait for a miraculous recovery after 2 months. The whole idea is to detach yourself from him, to let feelings calm down and start seeing things rational. You can not do that if you keep checking on him on facebook or anywhere else. There is nothing there that can make you feel better!
I lost count of how many times I blocked my ex and unblocked him. Blocking did not stop me at all. I would just go on from another account the next day. I deactivated my account on a daily basis. I used to check his friends pages as well to see photos of him. On top of being heartbroken I started hating myself for being weak. I knew it had to stop.
I read somewhere that we do things for two reasons: to look for pleasure or to avoid pain.
So I came up with this plan:
I look at his facebook profile and all pages I feel I need to… for one last time.
I allow myself to go crazy: cry, scream, ‘talk’ to him, I say all I have to say to his photo, I look at his photos with his new girlfriend.
And then I say: that’s enough. It hurts me to do this so I will not do it again.
The next thing I do is to treat myself like you would do with a child that’s scared… tell myself everything is going to be ok, you’ll be fine, I’ll take care of you and allowing myself all the treats I want: ice cream, chocolate, go to a show, film, anything I feel like at that moment.
Do you have children? What did you do when your kids were scared, poorly or just had a hard time at any one point? comfort them, taking them out for ice cream? telling their siblings to be gentle…. Why not do that for yourself? If you do not have kids then just remember what your mother used to do when you were having a bad day when you were little.
It didn’t work from the first time. I still looked but not every day. The amount of time in between is growing and I’m making a point of not beating myself up for doing it. I don’t go to his page at first impulse. Sometimes I can shake it off with only a … ‘you know it will only make you feel miserable if you do’. but if the thought is sticking to my brain for too long. I just get a good look, feel bad and get it over with and then I look after myself. I’m constantly trying to beat my own record of feeling good days.
It feels better because I feel in control even when I am losing control. And I concentrate on the progress and not on the failure: that I was weak … again
This is what I came up with and it works for me. It might not be the right thing for you.
See what makes you feel good and do that instead of doing the things that make you feel bad. I know it sounds simple and so obvious but we got so used to feeling bad that it feels like it’s the only way, when it actually is not
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