Psychotic Sally: Driver Extraordinnaire

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Psychotic Sally is one of the best people I've met thus far here at Mudsville Psychiatric. Her stories, though hard to understand because of her excessive tobacco chewing, make the time here worth while...

Submitted: July 15, 2013

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Submitted: July 15, 2013

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She was on her phone, on twitter, with one hand, applying lipstick with the other hand, had one foot on the gas pedal, and the other foot on the steering wheel.  (Psychotic Sally was quite flexible.)  She weaved in and out of traffic.  People honked, they screamed, they slammed on their brakes, and Sally ignored them to refresh her twitter feed. 

“Kanye f**king West!” she screamed.  “Why don’t you retweet me you cold hearted b**tard donkey f***?! I just tweeted you like – 5 f**king seconds ago!”  She hurled her phone into the floorboard.  “Sh**!” she exclaimed.  She slammed on her brakes before rear-ending a beat up Chevy in front of her that was caught in a line of traffic.

SCREEEEEEEECH!  She came to a stop just behind the truck.  Through the back window, she could see the peeved driver in front of her give her his middle finger.

“Oh really?” she muttered.  She reared around and grabbed a hammer from the backseat floorboard of her Mini-Cooper.  She rolled down her window.  “Say it to my face you s*** of b**** f***ing p***!”  She threw the hammer forward; it SHATTERED through the truck’s back window and landed inside the vehicle.

The outraged driver was yelling and screaming, but then Sally noticed red and blue flashing lights behind her. 

She pulled her car off the side of the road and the cop stopped behind her.  Strangely enough, the truck continued forward in traffic and when he could, the driver sped off down the highway.

The officer approached Sally’s side of the Mini-Cooper.

“Hello Officer!” she smiled.  “How are you today?”

“Ma’am.  You’re going to need to step out of the car.”

“Why?  Was I speeding?”

“What?  No – you were just in stop traffic…just get out of the car!”

“I don’t think so.  You see, I’m wearing these heels-”

“Are you on anything, ma’am?”

“Uh, my car seat?”

“Are you intoxicated?”

“Not presently,” she said with disappointment. 

“Would you object to a sobriety test?”

“Would you object to an éclair?  Cause I have some donuts here that I’m not gonna-”

“Just get out of the car!” he roared.

“Okay, okay!”  Sally stumbled out of the cooper and stood before the officer.  “My my,” she said.  “You sure are…handsome.”

“Turn around and put your hands behind your back,” he ordered.

“Why?”

“You threw a hammer through that truck’s window!”

“You can’t prove that.”

“It’s on my police car camera.  I can prove it.”

“Well he was asking me for a hammer!  He had to fix something!”

“And what was that?”

“His attitude.  That guy was a real f*** cake.”

“Just turn around!”

“OMG!  What’s that!”  She pointed behind the officer.  He turned around for a split second.

In that split second, Sally dove off the side of the road and onto a hill, where she continued to tumble down and down until she reached the bottom.  The officer looked on after her.  “Stop!” he demanded.  “In the name of justice, stop!”

“Run!” he heard Sally screaming.  “I’m running in the name of justice!”  She kept running until she reached the woods on the side of the highway, and then she ran more, out of sight. 

Later, they found that Mini-Cooper was not even registered to Sally, but to an old woman named Ethel Roseburg.


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