The other side of me

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
Words of a hopeless romantic.

Submitted: November 04, 2014

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Submitted: November 04, 2014

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How often has it happened to you that your life hasn’t cared to walk on the decisions you’ve taken for it? How often has your heart refused to go through the routine you’ve penned down for it? Surrendering to the urges and fighting the oppositions of your mind, how often have you repeated the same mistake which made you cry your heart out once? You’re right, it happens to you all the time.

 

True love, they say, happens just once. Fools they are, because love is not a variable to be determined. Instead, it is the only root which satisfies all complicated equations of life. How strange it is that love can only be accepted and not resisted. But it is even stranger that resistance to it makes you terribly vulnerable, a state where all your explanations to yourself do not seem to be a part of the answer.

 

It took me some time to free myself from the tentacles of affection. In fact not some, a lot of time. And during this time, I kept telling myself one thing and one thing only:

 

‘I’m not falling in love again.’

 

And I succeeded too. For the moment, my heart had stopped responding to the stimulations of love, my mind had shut itself to the forced awkward situation called dating. I had managed to turn into a perfect embodiment of abstinence. But no matter how permanent I wanted my resistance to be, it just faded away like the colors of an old painting.

 

I don’t remember the day, but I remember everything about it. I saw her. One flash, and there were streaks of lightening in the darkness I’d chosen for myself. She came like the winter sun and spread herself in my life like the rays of autumn. I began to smile again, my heart started to feel again, and my mind, my mind hassled to refresh the bitter experiences of past to stop me, but failed against her constant temptations.

 

Her skin glowed on a coating of velvet; her eyes stared at me with a promise of healing all my wounds. I looked at her and couldn’t look away. I tried not to fall in love with her, but couldn’t bear her distances. It took me a while to decipher the reason for all my anomalies, but now I know what it is. I’m in love again.

 

All resistance failed, the ignorance faded off. She entered my life without knocking on the door, and now I couldn’t get her out. She kept telling me that she wasn’t pretty, but I could never tell her that she was the prettiest thing I ever saw. I could never tell her that her eyes stared at me like daylight and narrowed like a golden deer when she smiled. Of all the things I could’ve told her, there was one thing which I never wanted to ask. But fate does not give us a chance to choose, it only gives time to regret.

 

‘You can never be mine, can you?’ was the only thing I managed to say to her.

 

And even though I could bet my life on what her answer could be, I swear that my heart skipped a beat at that one moment. The leaves stopped swaying, people stopped moving, everything seemed to be still as I waited desperately for her to lip the words ‘Yes, I can.’

 

‘No…,’ she said with a sigh, ‘but I love you.’

 

And I laughed at the addition of the last three words. They all say they love you, don’t they? The only unfortunate thing about their ‘I love you’s’ is that there’s always a ‘but’, either in the beginning or at the end.

 

‘Yes, she loves me,’ I tell myself, ‘but I’m just like the teddy bear she wants to cuddle.’ Its true, isn’t it? She couldn’t throw me away, but then, I’m not something which she wants forever.

 

But why am I so upset about this? It happened the last time too, only with a different girl! And the fool that I am, I let it happen to me again.

 

Why me? Why does it always have to be me? Why do I always have to let go of something I desperately want to hold on to? I have no clue.

 

But strangely, there’s a positive side to all of this. And that side of me makes me what I am. I felt again, I loved again, and if my fate would have pushed a little further, I could well have been loved again. I see this as a sign of hope, of happiness, of contentment. In spite of the invincible shields of obscurity I had pulled over myself, it took her just a smile to get through my defenses. Maybe it’s good that this happened to me. Because it told me that I’m probably not what I’m trying to become. I’m perhaps the self which I’m trying to run from. Maybe I’m made to love, to care, to expect. Maybe I haven’t changed at all; rather, I never really knew who I was.

 

They say everything’s beautiful if it ends well, and if it’s not beautiful, it’s not the end. Maybe there’s more to my love story. Maybe fate is too busy arranging for a perfect setting for me to walk into the perfect girl. And so, I’ll wait for that day. Because if being with the wrong girl was such a beautiful feeling, I wanna feel what it would be like to be with the right one.

 

And so I’ll wait, wait for that beautiful day. When the gaps between my fingers would be filled with that one hand I’ve been longing to hold. But till then, I’ve only one thing to say to myself:

 

‘I’m not falling in love again…!’


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