Mr Egg and his Chines Wife-Chapter 2

Staring at him lying on the bed, I had no idea what he was thinking before he died. But if this happened to me someday, what would I be thinking? To regret not to do something I am passionate to do? To regret not to go to some places I really want to go? To regret not to find someone I am supposed to stay forever…In one word, to regret not to make my dream true. Suddenly, I felt there was a voice in my inner-deep heart to wake me up.

My dad’s death became a turn point in my life. In the first 35 years of my life, all I have done was to satisfy others, teachers, parents, or families. Now I wanted to do something for myself, however, I forgot anything having a price, which means probably I had to sacrifice the most valuable thing in my life. As a 35-years-old Chinese woman, it was not easy.

My ex-husband (back to that time he was my husband, my son’s daddy) and I had been in a tough relationship after my son was born in 2006. We had been married for 8 years from 2004 to 2012. However, from 2005 when I just got pregnant till my son was one year old (2007), almost 2 years, we didn’t have any sexual relationship. I still remembered how depressed and how disappointed I was not only because of him but also because of the new-born baby who I needed to pay all my energy and attention. For many Chinese families, baby is the top important role in a family. Before baby was born, couples can hang out for dinner, movie, party, or bar. After baby was born, everything would be changed signicantly. Husband coming back home after work only focuses on baby, and wife doesn’t care about outfit or makeup, beautify becoming luxury.

I tried to change this situation between my ex and I. what I asked him to do was to give me more affection, holding hands, kisses, if no sex. Let me feel we were still a couple, not a classmate sharing one house. Maybe some readers feel ridiculous because that is something happening naturally between a couple in America. Nevertheless, in a Chinese family, especially after having a baby, when your husband thought that you are his own property, you should follow his words just like he is your king no matter what. Asking him to do something, oh, my god, is a big taboo. My ex’s reaction was exactly like an angry king. It turned out to be my fault because he thought I required too much. Looking back those years, I felt like I was living like a zombie, no thoughts and no dreams. Only I myself knew how many nights I cried till the morning. I had thought to change, to leave, to chase the life I want, however, as a 35-years-old woman, a mom of a little boy and a product of Chinese traditional culture, there are thousands of reason to stop me from changing. But now I found one reason which is so powerful that I couldn’t ignore it. Life only comes once. If I didn’t do something I really want to, How regretted I would be till the last minute. Everybody wants a completed life, so do I.