Closure

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
Breaking my vows.

Submitted: March 11, 2015

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Submitted: March 11, 2015

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~~I can’t write this without tears falling on the paper. Walking away from someone you’ve loved for what seems like a lifetime, can be the hardest thing you will ever do in life. I feel like having a glass of wine to go with my Kenny G playing in the background. Since 2007 I have loved Christopher Allen Hall. It is now 2015 and it appears that the love flow has come to an end. How do you two people love each other so dearly and so hard but say such cruel things, and do such evil things to one another? There goes another tear drop. Am I wrong? Yes. Is he wrong? Yes. Who knew several years later I would know what the saying “two wrongs don’t make a right means. To fall in love with him was so easy. But staying in love has been the hardest part for me. Needless to say I am hurt and burnt out. Exhausted in this ring of fire what we like to call our marriage. Remembering the first day I saw him, I stared at him for so long, admiring him, my heart then longed to know just who he was, through a glass window. Now that I know who he is, I hate that I know him. “Better to have loved, than to have loved at all”. I used to hear the old people say that all the time. The image of his face is imprinted on my heart. The smell of his natural body odor is enclosed in my nostrils. His fingerprints are engraved in my skin. His voice breathes on my ear lobes. His seeds are all planted inside of me. This man is the other half of me. The part of me that I don’t like. He is everything I don’t like about myself. The part of me that must die, so that I can live.  Can’t believe I’m doing this right now. I said I was done with him, but am I? Why can’t I stop the tears from falling? Why am I waiting for his knock at the door? Why am I anticipating that when my phone rings, it will be him?  He has taught me so much about myself and helped me to draw closer to God. On the other hand, he has humiliated me, abused me emotionally, and broken my heart so abruptly. When I look at my children, I see him. I love him. I forgive him, and I hope he forgives me. We must ask God to forgive us. However, I am no longer in love with him. I can’t move forward in life, and tolerate his short comings. I know I am not the one for him and he is not the one for me. I can accept that now. What he needs, I can’t provide that for him. And vice versa. We are on two different paths, not equally yoked. What we have is a bond that is easily broken. Not real. But true. All in the clouds with no grounds to walk on. But heaven sent. Yes, that’s it. I am breaking my vows. I will not love him for better or for worse, through sickness and health until death do us part. I’ll love him even after this life and the life after that. Although we are worlds apart, my love for you travels near and far. There. The divorce papers are signed and notarized.


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