My mom always said ‘Think of nice things before you go to sleep’. Thinking about nice things before bed worked... and still does. Suddenly I’m 16 years old, and I still feel 5. I’m scared of the same things, I can’t watch scary movies because I can’t sleep at night, and I’m still scared of the dark.
I have to admit, even though I’m 16 years old, I still think of stories in my head before I go to sleep. Stories how a handsome boy will find me in the woods and let me live with him and his parent. The number might look big, but the mind doesn’t seem to change at all.
I still love making a big deal of little things, and I still take offence over the most minor things. And I guess that’s the way I am. I always thought that growing up will be more gradual, but now it seems like I’ve just woke up and yesterday I was 5 and now I’m 16. Now that I’ve realised that I seem to enjoy my life more. I don’t pay much attention to other people that may hate me and i concentrate on things that would make my day more interesting. Suddenly I am scared of the term ‘adult’. Adults are so complicated. So much responsibility... I always thought that I wanted to drop school and be an adult and now that I am in my last year and the last month, I wish to start it all over again. I’m scared of growing up and becoming an adult. I’ll close my eyes and suddenly I’ll be 30 and then another blink and I’m 70.
I’m scared. What will happen after? Now I can no longer think about it. I have Thanatophobia. It’s a fear of death. If I think about it I gasp for air and my heart starts hurting. I start to cry and try not to think of it. It’s hard to live with a phobia of death because, at the end of the day, there is the end. And no one knows if there is anything after it.
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