THE KILLER

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Mystery and Crime  |  House: Booksie Classic


About: one man that had tried to get in my way and he did. He was a police officer I killed his wife so he tried to killed me, luckily he was arrested and then he escape from prison and came after
me and killed me, I'm writing this to let my wife know that I was murderer so let's begin my story.



 

 

 

CHAPTER 1.

MURDErR IN THE HOUSE.

zaky: I wanted money so badly, someone said.

Dave: Can you do me a favor kill Ms mia, i will give you money.

Zaky: But how much?. dave: How much will you like?. zaky: 2,00,000$.

Dave: I have a plan (thinks) sneak kill.. lets do it tonight.

Zaky:Ok right its 5:54 time now we have to wait.

Dave:Lets talk for a bit.

Zaky: Okay fine, whats your name?.

Dave: Why are you called the killer

Zaky: I'm a assassin I"m a wanted prisoner i have killed 200 hurdred women's and men's i send murder's to new area's in american and i have a wife she doesn't know that i kill people,AND IF YOU tell her,you will be my next victim.

Dave:i won"t tell i promise! lets forget about that,Nice to meet you too whats your name?.

Zaky:Zaky Tomas people call me Killer,

Dave: Bye zaky.

Zaky:Bye dave see you at Mrs Mia's house.

Dave: see you there bye.

Zaky:Later that night we were in the house.dave There she is lets kill her.(zaky sneak kills mia) she is dead lets hide this dead body somewhere,there in the garbage can. (zaky and dave puts dead body in the garbage can)

.Zaky:Police is coming lets hide in the bushs.

Zaky: Lets be sneaking shush.there are.....going.

Dave: Thanks God we are out of those bushs.

Zaky:Where is your base?.

Dave: Get in the car. (zaky gets in the car). (dave drives zaky to his base).

Dave:Here is our base. (zaky steps in the base).

John: Hey who are you!?.

Dave: He is the new member of our crime team,his name is zaky and please lower your weapons. Zaky: Hello my name is zaky william.

Dave: He killed Ms mia.

John: How did he kill ms mia?

Dave: Now you will work with us. Welcome to the gang zaky here is your money as promised. Zaky: Thank you.

Dave: your welcome.

Zaky; 2 days with the gang. team member: i have bad news.

John: What is it.

Team member: the woman thaT zaky killed was ethan the police officer wife.all of the team members: We can handle ethan!! yes we can.

Dave:Today what were we doing?.

All of the team members:planting bombs!. dave yes we are (laughs) this is going to be so fun.lets go everyone.

Zaky: We were planting bombs. dave Do it quick before someone sees us. team members:Guys it is planted lets go. dave Nice who is our target. team members: Carver!!. dave: there he is.

Dave: 1,2,3, bomb!. dave: lets go to the base. zaky And this is how i became crime group member this want happend to me.

Police:Reporting theres a case in the china town.

Mark: Copy that going now. (ethan drives to the mia and ethan house) (Mark: steps into mia and ethan house). (mark gets the gun out). Ethan:a bloody knife must mean something. theres a cut on her neck the murder cut her neck with a knife. (founds blood on the table).Mark throwed: onto the table and then it hit her head because there blood on her head too aron.

 Aaron: Yes sir.

Mark: go to jimmy to say him to scan this knife if he found some handprints tell him to call me. (Aaron goes to jimmy). (founds blood trail).

 I should follow it. (gets the gun out) . unknown: get the gun ready!.

 Hey you!. (mark shoots the unknown leg).god damnit! my leg!.

 Why were you here its a closed place your are under arrested!. (handcuffs the unknown person). Come get in the car.

(closes the door).

 Lets interrogate this guy

.Aaron: Yes sir. (drives to the police station). (steps into the interrogation area).

okay sir why were you there huh! tell me. unknown: me i was there for weapon i swear!.

Mark: Is this your knife Yes! where did you get that?. (mark goes out from the interget area).This knife scan it with his handprints. (mark goes back in the intergate area).

Alex:Emergency everyone get there guns out crime team is coming emergency everyone there gun crime team is coming lockdown!!. mark i need to get to chief to give him some cover.

Prisoners: They are here, lets do this come on boys. (shooting). (shooting).

(mark calls jimmy).

Mark: Where is the chief?.

Jimmy:In the garden.

Mark:I'm heading there now. (close the call). (shooting).Where the hell is the handgun ammo?!. there it is (takes ammo). mark: there is the garden. mark;chief are you i will cover you.

Chief:ok. (shooting). (shooting). (shooting). (shooting).

Mark: Chief go to your house its not safe here go go. cheif:Are you sure you can handle this.  Yes i'm now go!.

Cheif is calling me?. (mark pick up the call).

Unknown: Hello mark you don,t know who i'm but i have cheif frakle he is with us but we won,t tell you where. bye safe him or let him die. (closes the call)

Prisoners: hit him. (punchs).your are coming with me where is he your boss where is he!.china town mia and ethan house.(drives to china town mia and ethan house).

Mark::I'm coming. unknown:beat him boys. (punchs). (kicks). . (groundhouse). (drops gun).

Mark:you are under arrest. (unknown stabbs mark in the stomach). (aron drives mark to the hospital).

Aron: Is he going to be fine?.

Doctor Yes.

Aron:can we take him home.

Doctor: no you can,take him you have to wait four weeks to take him.

Zaky:after four weeks.

Doctor:now you can take him lets get to work.

Mark;ok fine lets get in my base.this the eivdence that i have found.

Aaron: nice.

Jimmy:Wow you did a great job founding evidence.lets get to work.. found his name his name is zaky william age 24 working with a crime group hobby kills people has a wife her name is alice william has a boy name max william was married in when was 16 things that he want, money.

Mark: nice jimmy great evidence that you have found good job.

William baker: sir i found some evidence.

Mark: yes? what have you found?.

William: zaky will go on a meeting, date is june 24 

Mark:That is tomorrow.

jack:Sir there are planting bombs, in june23 at night area lima town hills.

Mark;We will safe both! together! we will safe both together!!.

zaky: later that night.

Mark:disarm it quick!.

Aaron:wait the red one!

Jimmy;colour of choice we are safe its disarmed.

Mark: wait how do you know that i hacked the email there was a thing called red how to cut the bomb, i clicked it nice hacking skills.

To be continuE chapter 2 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Submitted: October 12, 2017

© Copyright 2021 Muneeb Sohail. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:

Comments

Dr Mirza Ahmer Be'g

keep it up , good start bro ,keep going, keep reading and writing

Mon, November 13th, 2017 4:30am

Author
Reply

Thank you bro. I will never stop reading & writing. thanks for advice.

Mon, November 13th, 2017 4:17am

GummyOverdose

This is a wonderful book so far. It's really intriguing, the descriptions are great, the only thing I would recommend is the layout. If you'd like, I can be your editor, and lay it out so it's easier to read and check your spelling, etc, I will send you the copy of your book and you don't have to use any of my edits if you don't want to. Just a suggestion.

Tue, November 21st, 2017 12:35am

Author
Reply

Hi dear, thanks for your advice this message means a lot to me and really i will appreciate if u help me. I'm new in writing stories I would love to see your editing for my book
Thanks&Regards

Tue, November 21st, 2017 3:33am

GummyOverdose

Yeah no problem, love. :D

Wed, November 22nd, 2017 12:25am

Author
Reply

Thanks and Regards

Wed, November 22nd, 2017 4:12am

rickybelmont

It's an interesting start but it could use some proofreading. I'd recommend you space out the dialogue so it can be more understandable. Other than that, great job!

Fri, December 1st, 2017 4:11am

AJLKS

This comment is written with the intention of helping you understand what problems a reader (like me) can spot from reading this chapter. I will focus on problems with the plot, highlight certain details that should be written with more clarity, and bits and bobs that come to mind.

Why did Zaky want money? Why is he named ‘Killer’? What is his background?

Why do they want to kill Ms. Mia?

20,00000$ should be written $2,000,000. Also, what currency is it?

Is 5:54 in the early morning or evening?

Is it realistic that Zaky accepts Dave’s offer (who he doesn’t know at all) and agrees to murder Ms. Mia without question?

Zaky and Dave never discussed where and when they’ll meet later. How did they meet later?

If Zaky and Dave wanted to hide Ms. Mia’s body, I think the garbage can is a very poor place to hide it.

Who is John? What weapon was he holding?

Planting bombs? Where did they plant it? Who did it?

Who is Carver? Who is Mark? Who is Aron? Who is Jimmy?

Who is ‘unknown leg’? Man? Woman? Why did Mark shoot the unknown person in the leg? Was the unknown person being aggressive?

Interget? Intergate?

How did the chief get captured?

There is a lot of missing detail. Actions were very rushed. The first letter of names and surnames should be written in upper case (Zaky, Dave, Mia, Ethan, Mark, Carver, Aron, Jimmy, Alice, Max, William). There were a lot of spelling errors.

There seems to be quite a deep story with many characters, and there is a lot of room for improvement. Great start. Keep writing to develop and improve your writing style.

Sat, December 2nd, 2017 4:14pm

Author
Reply

Listen bro, I will make remake of this story after the ending, of the killer I will clear my mistakes thanks for your advice, I really appreciate your effort on writing this message????

Sat, December 2nd, 2017 9:43am

Islebabe

Hi, thank you for inviting me to read your story. In order to improve as a writer, you need people to offer you honest feedback, the kind that will help you improve. This was very confusing to read. Too many characters and not enough background on who they are and their reasoning for doing the things they were doing. It was also hard to search within the story to figure out the dialogues between the characters. I think it might be helpful to you if you read other Crime and Mystery books on here so that you can get a feel for how the layout of your book should be. Best wishes to you.

Sun, December 3rd, 2017 8:47pm

Alex S. Foley

First if you are writing a book, then write a book not each chapter as a separate short, that is confusing when they all have the same title. Second formatting, break it down into paragraphs and dialogue should be broken down by speaker, lumping it all into on paragraph makes it hard to read. Third details "aron goes to jimmy." "founds blood trail" "punches" add details. These examples are so bland. Fourth dialogue, the way you have the dialogue written it sounds like a bad movie script. I get to know my characters, I get in their heads and that helps me write better dialogue in my opinion. The plot for this is a good one and with just some work it can turn into a great story.

Sat, December 9th, 2017 2:41pm

Kathrina Csernis

This part is also really good, I am really interested to read more, so keep up the good work!

Mon, December 11th, 2017 6:24pm

Author
Reply

Thank you for reading my story.

Tue, December 12th, 2017 12:20am

Mastera

The formatting is way off, making it near impossible to read and understand.
You should probably fix that real quick.

Tue, December 12th, 2017 12:01am

Author
Reply

Are you talking about chapter 1?

Tue, December 12th, 2017 12:17am

Mahinu

Good work

Tue, December 12th, 2017 8:15pm

Author
Reply

Thanks

Tue, December 12th, 2017 3:21pm

Mastera

Now that the formatting is fixed, I can read this.
My first thoughts: This is incredibly dull, and cliche. None of the characters have any personality, or differences. You could probably switch the names around and no one would notice. Judging by the title, I expected this to be a murder mystery script, but what I got was some guy getting paid 2 million dollars to kill a police officers wife. There was no emotion, it felt like someone was reading it to me in a monotonous voice, just really fast.
I suggest you try rewriting your script, but first, it might be in your best interest to take a few English classes, and read some popular novels. Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, Eragon, are all good books to start with.
Good luck.

Thu, December 14th, 2017 10:47pm

Author
Reply

Hi.
Thanks for your advice. I will do my best. As you know I'm 10 years old, I'm trying to Writing the story myself. I will follow your suggestion.

Thu, December 14th, 2017 5:32pm

Hana-14

Oooo Zaky is so scary xD

Sun, December 17th, 2017 10:48am

Author
Reply

Thanks for reading and enjoying,:)

Sun, December 17th, 2017 2:57am

Madame Hellshadow

Good start. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next. I noticed a few spelling errors. Keep up the good work!

Mon, January 1st, 2018 12:07pm

Author
Reply

what did you see that had spelling errors tell me and i will fix it

Sat, January 13th, 2018 1:41am

AmyHi

This very really keeping you always in the edge of the seats. Love it! Especially its a mystery theme script. Great work!! :)

Oh also can you check out a similar writer that I've stumble upon earlier his name is Ramon Galaxure and have published his first script story which is also under the theme mystery. Intitled A Vision that Last the Journey Act. 0
Say can you give him some feedbacks on how well did he do on his work. I'm sure he can get a lot of tips from you. Cause I'm a bit shady on his mystery script. Don't know but maybe you can jugde it properly. Thanks in advance!

Mon, January 8th, 2018 5:27am

Author
Reply

thanks for reading my story THE KILLER. i also checked Ramon Galaxure's story A Vision that Last the journey Act. 0. i really enjoyed his story and i commented there and like too. tell him to add me as a fan.
Thanks with love :)

Mon, January 8th, 2018 3:05am

QU1KD347H

Wed, January 31st, 2018 6:26pm

QU1KD347H

Very interesting, I will have to read the rest!

Wed, January 31st, 2018 6:26pm

Author
Reply

Late reply: thanks for reading chapter 1 of THE KILLER story it's really appreciated :D
Thanks with love :)

Wed, February 7th, 2018 2:07am

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