Isolated From Him

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
My father seems quiet upset at me, he will not even let me see the one who I care about most. He will not even let me talk to him.

Submitted: January 12, 2007

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Submitted: January 12, 2007

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I know I did something wrong. I see it in his eyes, his body expressions. He does not talk to me, that is ok. But when he tells me to fend for myself, buy school clothes, food, and find somewhere to stay, I loose it.
I know I did some real bad things in his eyes. Right now I am his biggest regret. I need to make him see my side. Make him feel what I am feeling, know what I am getting at. Right now I have no voice, no opinion, no say. A sense of power for him, a downfall is what it is going to be.
He will soon come to realize that not letting me go out and adventure  and try new things will just make me want to try them even more as an adult. Every kid will try something new when their parents do not want them to. I am not talking about drugs, never really wanted to try them. I am talking about the so called other 'sin' many parents fear. I know what I did has a downfall, he should be glad I am not pregnant. My father is a different story, I guess he wants the best for me. But how is it good not to see the person you love with all your heart? I may be only fourteen but I found someone who really cares for me. He helped me through depression, cutting and loosing my best friend to a horrible fate. He always knows what to say, and he knows what I am going through. Yet, in a sense he does not know what I am going through...
My father, he is threating to kick me out. My mother already kicked me out of her house. When it comes to that, my boyfriend has no advice. His parents are not divorced and have not kicked him out before. I have no where to go, until I find a place, I better keep calm. I rather be in a shelter than here, but I would have no way of seeing him. I just need some guidance right now, someone who listens. I know this is not the end of the world, and it means nothing to many. I do not know what to do anymore, I tried to stay away from my dad. But talks of charging my boyfriend with rape goes to far.
He is not of illegal age, and rape is when it is forced upon the victim. This was not forced, I do not see my father's argument. I feel so isolated from the world, from him. I just want to see him once more, maybe try to set things right. I just want to be happy, not sad, depressed, and loney all the time. I want no more suffering, on both of our behalfs. Right now, for all I care my father can rot. Sometimes I may seem harsh, but when it comes right down to it, I just want to be happy.
To be happy means to have someone love me, a steady career choice, finish high school and get the career I want. But the key point is that someone will love me for who I am. So far, that is my boyfriend. We are three years apart in age, so what. But when I bring the argument that my father went out with a girl that was twelve years younger than him, he said it was not the same. What seperates our relationship from his? Is it because he is affraid of letting me go? Or is it so he has a sense of power?
Many people wonder why I do not seem happy. I hope this answers their questions. I do not care what people think of me anymore. I must look like some poor, pathetic, used, beat up, lost girl in their eyes. I feel insignificant compared to the world. Many tell me I am going to fail in life, and in a way they are right. Sometimes I can be a good writer, other times, my emotions take over. Emotions that hit like a like a hurricane and tear everything apart. I loose it, I push people away, I isolate myself from everyone.
Emotions are always what I fall victim to. If it is not stress, it is depression. My dad made it worse by taking the one I love away from me. I am trying to raise enough money so I can somehow go see him. The distance is too far to walk. Not impossible but it would take at least a day. My mother has not said a thing about this whole thing. She does not really care what happens to me or my father. I guess I am trully alone in this world. Parents abandoned me, they made it so it seems like my love abandoned me. But I will not give up hope yet.
I know he did not abandon me. I know he really cares. If he did not, he would of left me right after he got what he wanted. Instead, he stayed with me and continued to tell me how beatuiful I am and how he was so lucky to even know me. If I were my father, I would think that he really does care. He already proved my father wrong, he did not leave me after we did it. That is something my father can never take away.
I guess I will just have to wait for something to happen. Something that will make my life a bit easier to see him once again. Something that would let me smile and be happy. Something both me and him would see as a blessing and as something ment to be.
But my father stands as a road block. One that is almost impossible to pass. It was his fault to let me stay the night there for such a long time. His fault for trusting a teenage boy. But not everything is his fault... It is also my fault for saying yes. Not from pressure, but because I needed to experience it sooner or later. Anyway, my father is always mad at me. Until I find away around this road block, I will not give up hope. Even though I am isolated from him.


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