A Way to Say I Love You

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is part of the short story I'm writing. It's about a girl who's falling in love with her best guy friend. She struggles with telling him the truth about her feelings. And about whether or not he likes her back.

Submitted: August 18, 2011

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Submitted: August 18, 2011

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“How could you?” I asked Amanda.

“Well, it had to be done. You guys can't pretend anymore. You both know you like each other. I had to,” she replied.

I still couldn't believe she did this to me. She had to no right to tell him how I felt about him. That was for me and me alone to do. I bet he doesn't even want to talk to me anymore now, I thought. Nothing would ever be the same between Jonathan and I anymore, all thanks to Amanda.

“I told you not to! And you still went and told him! He probably will never speak to me ever again and it's all your fault! Are you happy?” I was half yelling now, I was so mad at her.

“Actually, yes. He had the right to know. I just thought--” I cut her off.

NO! You had no right to tell him how I feel. That was for me to explain to him, but no. You just thought you could tell him how I feel. But you have no idea how I feel. You have no idea what's going on in my head. So, how could you tell him? After I told you plenty of times not to. Some friend you are,” I replied. I started walking away, back into my house, but Amanda got hold of my arm.

What?!” I screamed at her.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, I just thought it would be better if he knew. If he got it into his head that you guys have something more,” she said sincerely.

I looked into her goldish eyes. She was being serious. I knew she meant it. I really did, but I still couldn't believe she would do this to me.

“It doesn't matter. You ruined everything. You ruined my whole friendship with Jonathan. And now you've ruined ours. I hope you got what you wanted,” I told her. She looked shocked. Amanda let go of my arm and I started walking again.

When I got inside, I walked into my room. I went to sit on my bed, but I couldn't move any further. I started crying. This brings back so much, I thought. In fifth grade, I liked this kid and he found out and never spoke to me again. I have been so afraid of a boy finding out that I like him since then. Mainly because the guys I like are my friends, and I don't want them hating me. Now that Jonathan knows, I am so afraid of what he thinks. Does he care? Is he grossed out? Does he like me back? Is he thinking about me as a girlfriend? So many questions and so many tears. I was so mad at Amanda.

I didn't realize what time it was until it started getting dark outside. I checked my phone for the time and saw that it was eight eleven. I suppose I should get a shower now, I thought to myself. I went into the bathroom and checked my phone again, out of habit. I noticed I had a text message. It was from Jonathan:

 

We need to talk.

 

Was all it said. I ignored it. I got my shower, and when I got out, I checked my phone again. I had another message from Jonathan. It said:

 

Please, Joci, answer me.

 

Then, I saw that I had three calls from him. I would've called him, or texted him even, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't face him. I made a mental note to talk to him tomorrow. I just couldn't face this right now.

Jonathan's my best friend. We are like brother and sister. Heck, we even say we are. Mostly because we read Rick Riordan's Percy Jackson and the Olympians series and we say that we're the children of Poseidon(and you can't date someone from your own cabin, duh!). But, I started to have feelings for him. And, well, he didn't. Or at least, none that I know of. I know him, though. I know how he is. I know what he likes, and he does not like me. Of course, now I'm not sure. I'm not sure of anything anymore.

Jonathan has the whole nerd thing going on. Also, he looks like Harry Potter, no lie, but he has brown eyes. He even has the glasses. He's super smart and awesome. He's really fun to be around and he likes me for who I am. Just not the way I want him to.

Me? I have this caramel colored hair and green eyes that change to a golden color when I'm in the sun for awhile. I'm kind of short . . . I'm four ten. I guess I'm pretty but I'm not so sure. I also have glasses.

All of our friends, even random strangers, say that we should date because we're perfect for each other. Which, I guess, is kind of true. We like the same things and we have our inside jokes, but I just can't get past us being friends. I don't want this to make things different. I may be good with change, but I am so not good with different. Especially different in a bad way.

All I want is for this to pass over and to go on with life. I want everything to be the same, but I want everything to be different. I want me and Jonathan to be together. It would be so easy for us. I can't really describe it because it would be like trying to describe what water tastes like.

It was a Friday so I didn't have school in the morning. It was around nine so I went into the living room to watch my show, Supernatural. Usually, I would watch it with my mom, but she works all day on Wednesdays and Fridays.

When the show was over, I went back into my room and read for a little. Then, I went to bed. That's when things got interesting.

 

In my dream, I was being chased. Not by monsters, not by anyone. I was being chased by my own memories. The day Alex wouldn't talk to me and I didn't know why. The day the people I thought were my friends turned against me. The day Tommy knew I liked him. The day I learned Cieara had moved unexpectedly(worst Unicorn Day ever).

Then the worst of all. The haunted memory of another dream. The dream of Jonathan dying. I've had many dreams of death, mine included, but none was as horrible as this. Seeing his lifeless body in the middle of the pentagram(don't ask) was worse than anything I've ever had to deal with. Although, this hasn't actually happened(obviously) I still couldn't take it. It felt so real. The pain of losing him. Losing him before I could tell him how I really feel, not whatever stupid story Amanda made up. I just felt like crying inside and out. And that's exactly what I did.

I woke up, choking on my own tears. I sat up and got some water from the cup I kept on my night stand. I wiped my eyes and went into the bathroom to pee. Gods, I thought, that was the worst dream ever. And trust me, I've had a lot of bad dreams.

When I was done going to the bathroom, I went back to bed. I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, so I checked my phone for the time. It was three thirteen in the morning. Ugh. I then noticed I had three texts and five missed calls. All of them from Jonathan. The messages consisted of numerous ways to say that we needed to talk. So, being the sarcastic, almost annoying person I am, I called him.

It rang maybe two times before he answered.

JOCI! I thought you might have freaking died! Why haven't you answered my texts or calls?” he exclaimed. I was kind of shocked by his reaction.

Uh, um...,” I also kind of didn't know what to say. “Listen, Amanda told me what she told you. Well, she kinda did. I didn't really give her a chance to explain everything but I didn't really need to. I knew what she did, just by the look on her face when she came by to tell me. Then, when we were done talking, I cried for awhile, took a shower, watched Supernatural, and went to bed. I then proceeded to have a nightmare and just woke up now. By the way, what are you doing up at three fifteen in the morning?”

Yeah, I should be, but I can't sleep. Not without knowing the truth. I'm sorry you cried,” was all he said. It almost made me want to cry all over again.

Hey, I'm okay now. I would say it's not your fault, but it kinda is,” I laughed after I said that. Jonathan did too.

At that moment, I knew that even though he kind of knew the truth, but not really, he was still my best friend. Some things had changed though. I completely opened up to him about my crying and he didn't say anything about it besides that he was sorry. It totally melted my heart.

Actually, it's Amanda's,” he replied.

This is true. We should go TP her house,” I said, jokingly.

Okay, let's go,” he said seriously.

Are you serious?” I asked in shock.

No, I'm Severus,” Jonathan said sarcastically.

Ha. Ha. Good one. But seriously. We can't TP her house for real. It would be too easy. We have to something worse, but not as bad at the same time,” I suggested.

Hmm, I don't know. I'm honestly really tired. I didn't get sleep like someone else,” he retorted teasingly.

Okay, fine. Go to bed, you big baby. Gods, I swear for a teenage boy, you sure don't act like one,” I told him.

Shut up. Night, Joci,” he said with a yawn.

Night night. Don't let the empousi bite!” I said. Empousi are like the Greek Mythology version of vampires.

I hung up and put my phone away. I was still awake and couldn't sleep. I went out to the living room and turned on the TV. I searched through the channels, nothing was on. I sighed and went back into my room. I took out my laptop and checked my Facebook and email. It was three forty seven in the morning, so nothing was going on. I figured it would be better to go to sleep, so I did. It wasn't a good sleep though. Although, there were no nightmares.

 

When I woke up, it was almost eleven in the morning. It was kind of early for me since school just started and I was really tired last night. I went out to the kitchen and made myself some eggs and toast. I also had a glass of milk with it. It was really good. By the time I was finished with that, it was about eleven thirty-five. I went back into my room and checked my phone for any messages. Jonathan called me and left me a voicemail. It said, “Hey, I know you're probably not up yet, but I wanted to call you anyways. Listen, I'm leaving for Boston tomorrow and I want to see you before. So we can talk and stuff. I don't want to wait for when I get back because I won't be back until Monday. I can't wait that long to talk to you in person. Please call me back, Joci. Bye.”

I called him back. I told him he could come by and hang out for a couple hours. My mom wasn't home for some reason, I didn't care. Grandma was visiting my uncle, her son, so she wasn't home either. I was home all alone. Thanks for telling me, everyone, I thought. Since no one was home, I let our two dogs outside to go to the bathroom. Then, I went into the bathroom to brush my hair and teeth. Jonathan was coming at twelve. I didn't get dressed, though. There was no point really.

Jonathan and I have an interesting relationship. He usually sees me when I'm not dressed. In actually clothes, I mean. I usually always wear my pajamas. My pajamas aren't that interesting. I have cloud and start pants and then my Beauty and the Beast hoodie from when the High School did it when my sister was there.

It was almost time for Jonathan to get here. I started to get really nervous. What would he say? It seemed like there was nothing different between us. Would he tell me that he doesn't want to be friends anymore? Then the big question, would he want us to start dating because he felt the same way? I kind of felt like texting Aubrey, but I really didn't want to talk about it. I wanted this to be a secret. That and I was still tired and a bit lazy.


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