Spilling my guts out @ 5 a.m in the morning. I know it's all over the place...

Making Sense of it All
September 26th, 2010 5 a.m.
When I was younger, just a few years ago
I could talk to anyone with ease, friend or foe.
It seems so hard now, I don’t know why
I have so much in my head; all I can do is sigh.
“What’s wrong” you ask, I try to figure it out.
All I can say is nothing; try to smile, then pout.
What am I doing wrong, I feel like the only one
Everyone fakin their lives, I know it’s all a pun.
I’m getting crazier by the day, everyone sees the change
I wish I could fast forward my life & skip this page.
I’m honest, smart, reliable, loyal and funny
With these qualities my life should be as sweet as honey.
Too bad it’s not though; I have faith that one day it will
All I can do is be patient, wait for God to work his skill.
The man won’t give you more than you can bare
So I will pray until that day, I hope I don’t lose all my hair.
Is life really this much of a struggle, or did I do it to myself?
Did I make it harder & fucked up my mental health?
It seems as though I have been in a series of dilemmas for years
Since that mother fucker put his hands on me, got me in tears.
I saw his picture today, he looks aged but happy
How can he smile after what he did, so crappy.
I don’t want to make excuses; I know I’m better than that.
Just want to know if that is the reason, then I can sweep it under the mat.
Years of mental anguish people have put me through
Not just him, my own mother did too.
I was her first child, she loved me to death
Until my dad became abusive to her, she tried her best.
She needed an outlet, so she took it all out on me
Put me down do much, she wouldn’t just let me be.
Mentally and physically she destroyed my self-esteem.
Nothing I did was ever good enough, she was just so mean.
That was long ago, all is forgiven
Going down memory lane, nothing left hidden.
My ex-husband is a man without any balls
Left me in a Bed-Stuy apartment, peepin every hall.
Stranded and alone, who knows what could happen to me next
No locks on my door, I was sure I would have to flex.
Could have been raped, drugged, or killed
But he did not care because his worries were previously filled.
All by my lonesome, I looked for ways to pass the time
Never did drugs, but addicts understood me like a hymn.
Met a heroin addict on them Brooklyn streets
He was a big mess, but he made my heart skip beats.
Stole all my shit & got me for every penny
I let him do it to me because I am afraid to be alone like many.
Long story short, he was too old and stuck in his ways
Can’t teach an old dog new tricks is what he always says.
So I kept it moving, started hanging out every night
Went from bar to bar, drunk as hell, higher than a kite.
I met the cat with the whiskers not long after the break up
He was so sweet at first; I knew it had to be a front.
I’m always right, his true colors finally show
But for some reason I know I can’t let him go.
Everything is so extreme with him, chill the fuck out
We are too much alike, YAH I REALLY DO HAVE TO SHOUT.
Everyone has their problems, things they go through
But you never listen to me; you’re too busy askin who’s who!
I love him so much, but how will it work?
He’s a devout Christian, and that is not a perk.
I am a Muslim; I think about God and fear him daily
Our diversity makes it harder, because without God, who will save me?
Just know I am trying my best to get it together
Hopefully my efforts will pay off soon & my life gets better.

Submitted: December 25, 2010

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