Savlonic News Station ..Satirical Update.. "A Number Three, Please?"

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
News Update! Tune in at five to hear the story of a brave uneducated man's legal endeavors as he verses the corporate giant Burger King. Guns, hoes, death, anger, robots, cigars, old people, I'm just reading the screen, money, dirty cops, national economics... NEEEWS! Tune in at five.

Submitted: October 28, 2013

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Submitted: October 28, 2013

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A Number Three Please…and Make it a Brunette?

Outrage in Columbia Ohio today as a man visits his local Burger King in search of a delicious chicken sandwich and instead receives a professional lap dance. The man, Clarence Gold: locally known as Fewls Gold, tells us here at the Savlonic News Station that his experience was less than up to par. “I just wanted ahhh, Number two. That would be a tasty King’s chicken with extra mayo. So I be waiting for my food and this crazy bawd comes out dressed in these hooker clothes. And you know, she may be nice to look at, but Fewls stomach is still rubblen, ya hear?”

The confusion came from Burger King’s new “Special” menu. Besides having the regular menu that we all have come to know and love, a new menu has started to become included at select locations. This is because of the franchise’s new push to convert to a nightclub. After taking an 83% drop in profit in the year 2011, Burger King experienced mass closings of sites. To save the franchise something had to be done.

A similar situation came from the Apple Bee’s franchise in 2003. The franchise changed its midnight atmosphere to welcome amateur karaoke. Several cases were recorded in which late night diners would stop by for a bite to eat and end up with an ear full of Backstreet Boys. This change, however, was widely accepted.

“The King’s Club is very much still in its experimental stages,” says Burger King’s CEO Bernard Hees, “but we believe that the Club will open Burger King’s doors to a more, Well, wealthy and drunk, type of customer.”

Mr. Hees hopes to open 7,000 new Burger King Restaurants in urbanized areas. While they will still serve the fast food we have all come to know, they will also contain new items like the new spicy Chick-n-Strip, and the Bigger-Better-Whooper-with-Bigger-Buns.

Supporters of the new menu claim this change to be beneficial for the franchise, the customers, and even the economy itself. Derek Lang, owner of the Painted Stallion Sports Bar located down the road from the Burger King in Tact Texas, supports Burger King’s evolution. “It’s all about economics and their parallel relationship with competition. When hungry partiers go for a “dollar menu item” on the special menu at Burger King, they become dissatisfied with their experience and in turn I get their business. It has brought many new faces to this once sleepy town and I am enjoying the revenue increase. I was even able to give my employees a raise this year! That is money they can use to support their children’s post-secondary education.”

Unlike those who support the King’s Club, some are disgusted with the changes. “Burger King is high quality,” an angry lady with screaming children commented when we questioned her on the subject, “to think that a fast food franchise would stoop so low. Even if it does bring in more customers, increase profit, clean up establishments, and open employment opportunities. The fact still remains. My kids no longer have a play place to pee in.”

Regardless of the support available, Colombia Ohio still has one angry customer. Fewl’s Gold is looking for compensation for his inappropriate experience. “I want Burger King to compensheet my experience. Fewl’s eyes are a delicate flower in the spring. Burger King has done personal damage to them.”

Mr. Gold will be taking Burger King to court during the summer of next year for Personal Injustice. He is hoping to receive a large sum of money for reasons no one yet understands. We have been told here at SSN that he has a good lawyer and is likely to win.

It seems the days of Play Places are over. We no longer have to wonder ‘Where is the beef?’ It might not be long until your local fast food restaurant will have a new menu. Can you say ‘A number six please, hold the special sauce’?

 


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