Day: Who the fuck knows
Log no. 23-7
Once again I had a the same dream, I'm in renaissance England, running, but from who... as time goes by I slowly get to my destination, the hounds stop barking and candles light up. I'm in an orphanage, it is now that I realize that in my hand I hold a small leather pouch, I look down, open it and pull out golden coins baring a strange marking. This marking, it.... it awakens fear in me for I have seen it before, many times but where, WHERE.... no use in arguing with a piece of paper. I put the coin back in the pouch and look up, just as I do that I see Her. I'm inside the broken orphanage, not a voice is heard and she's just standing before me, her body covered with ripped clothe, but even they can't hide her beauty, long curly hair, a kind face and eyes shining like emeralds. I'm covered in blood, but she doesn't seem to fear me, I give her the gold. Why did I give her the gold? Before I am able to find out, she smiles at me and comforts me with these words -"I thank you for all you have done for us. This gold will feed the orphanage for many a years to come." -She hugs me. I feel....safe. My eyes close as I lean on her shoulder. Now I feel happy, for the first time in years I feel happy. As I open my eyes again I realize that we no longer are standing in the broken hall of the orphanage, we are outside somewhere, dancing, she no longer wears the torn clothes, instead she now wears a dress worthy of her image, behind us I can hear fireworks. As I move my head back to see her face again I now find tears dripping from her sad eyes, I look down, only to find out that the blood on my clothes is mine. I fall down in front of her. She leans down next to me still crying, with my last breath I ask for her name. -"Forgiveness", her only words. My throat fills with blood, drowning the life within me and that's when I wake up in my "cell". Having to feel what true love and happiness are only to have them so brutally taken away, never to be felt again is but a dream compared to having to re-live that same experience night after night, again and again. I couldn't take it anymore. After every night the bottle was my only friend. One glass for every time I acted on principle and lost my chance for a happy life with miss "Forgiveness". Soon reaching the bottom of the bottle I would realize that I have no more shots at a happy life. My time has passed, happiness is but an illusion far out of my reach. Writing this I come to the conclusion that I ,having lived my life in deep fear of rejection from other people, trying too hard to fit in, have made myself this forsaken, never taking action against my misery , never going out of my way to change something. Well now I am taking action. To the one that will find this, don't make my mistakes, live free of the proverbial binds of society for there is no honor in living like a good man only to end up with a gun in your hand taking your own life. No honor in what I am about to do.......
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