The scream, MY SCREAM

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
my pain and heartbreak i had became less
releasing that scream helped me

Submitted: August 12, 2014

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Submitted: August 12, 2014

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It was the first time, the first time I felt alive in my whole life, in 16 years.

For the first time I wasn’t scared, I knew I had my mother right beside me and I became braver when she tried to take the blow for me when she get slapped instead.

I wasn’t really afraid of him at that moment and I’m not scared of him any longer. I don’t know why I was scared of him in the first place; he’s just a scary cat, the reason why he tries to make me miserable because he was miserable. I bet the reason why he keeps drinking is because it’s the only way to get the attention of his sisters, since they don’t like him a lot also as a way to escape from reality, from his loneliness even though he’s married to my mother he didn’t feel like she loves him because she really doesn’t, he was a way for her to run away from grandma and uncles and he found out that that’s why he only look at her for sex.

I always cried when he tried to kick me out but now that I think about it I think he’s doing that because he thinks that my mother may start to love him if I’m not in the picture because she always chose me over him.

He always felt better when me and mum are crying or sad, I think that was his way of getting a revenge a specially that I'm a girl cause if I was a boy I would rebel and fight back.

But he never expected me to scream, to yell, to curse, and to make him face the truth that he’s all by himself that even my brother would choose us over him. That even his son, the one from his blood, doesn’t love him enough to choose him.

It’s not only me the one who hate him not only his wife but his son as well.

I finally understand what’s happening and even the stupid questioned if I wasn’t born or if I really leave the house would they be at ease, would they stop fighting, would my brother be happier.

But I know now.

My thoughts are becoming more and more clearer me growing up and maturing I could actually notice that and it’s kind of amazing and bothersome as well because I don’t want to let go of the child inside of me but seeing how my mother counts on me and discuss with me what to do I think it’s not really that bad.

I always believed that a person is born for a reason whether it's to save someone’s life or help someone who’ll do something good when he grow up or do something great that’ll help things to get better and change the history, cause think about it Allah wouldn’t create something useless if that’s so then what’s the point of living what’s the point of waking up every morning and do what you do there must be something greater.

I always wondered but I think I know now, the reason why I'm born I always imagined that maybe I’ll save someone’s life when I become a doctor in the future but I think that’s not the case.

I think the reason of my existence in this world in these circumstances in this family and for this woman, it’s because I'm her way out, I'm her strength I'm  her HOPE.

I always knew that I’d save someone’s life but I never imagined it’ll be my mother and as a result my brother as well.

If I wasn’t born my mother would’ve been all by herself to face my aunts, my step father and would face misery and sadness all by herself without someone by her side to tell her that things will be all right, she wouldn’t have someone to lean on to cry in his shoulder and ask him what to do.

And even if I was born as a boy that would mean that I'm not as meaningful as when I'm a girl because boys aren’t close to their mother like girls.

You know the funny thing is, that I only understood all this when I screamed, isn’t that funny who would’ve known that I’ll feel this much better when I scream.

But I get the idea, I mean if you look at it from my place you’ll get it.

For 12 years, ever since my mother got re-married the times when I cried are more than my laughter in this household, and most of these times when I cried I cried without a sound so that my mother won’t hear me and worry and cry as well so I just lay down and let the tears come out, silently until I feel a little better even though it doesn’t help that much so time over time crying became more painful because I feel like someone is trying to strangle me. I had a Heartbreak that hurts me more every time a tear fall.

But not anymore because when I screamed I wasn’t actually scared that he’ll hit me with the belt or anything, I was MAD and ANGRY. The best inside me was finally out.

My scream was in purpose, that’s why I did it over and over again not to get people attention but because I felt better in the first try so I did it over and over and over and over again.

 

Even if I go back in time, I’ll do the same thing because if it wasn’t for that I would’ve never felt the way I feel now nor would I get this new part of me.

The Fearless new part of me.

This is the part of me that no one will take it away from me.

Not anymore.


© Copyright 2020 Nawel. All rights reserved.

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