No matter how hard I try the pain does not go away, I can sit and cry but I just can’t hide from the fact that everywhere I turn another man is hurting me. It may not make since to you or to anyone
else but I know what I’m talking about when I say my life is full of regret and pain. Let me start from the beginning I’m sure you’ll understand a lot better than I say to a group of adults I’m was
high school student not quit 18 but close I have so far had the worst life anyone could have. They all look at me in disbelief I watch their faces as I tell them about Samuel, you see I fell madly
in love with this man but in the end he was the worst mistake of my life I watch as their face expressions change and how some turn a rather green color.
Hi, I’m Jane I'm was a senior in high school, I don’t really go to school anymore I have been in some situations and I'm scared to leave my house. I guess you want to know my story well if you get sick easy let me tell you this may not be a story for you. I’ll start at the beginning so you'll know more about why and what has happened to me.
About 12 months ago everything was going great I was a great student taking all honors classes and on a free ride to collage, but all that changed when I met the hottest guy ever Samuel. At first I thought omg he’s hot but he wouldn’t like me at that time I didn’t even know how old he was. Well my friends and I went to the mall, we was in BATH AND BODY WORKS when I saw him walking my way, I said to myself I still don’t know how old he is and I only know his name because of my friends brother, what do I say what do I do? I just looked done at the floor when he came up and said hey, I looked up at him and said hi. All he did was smile at me that s when I noticed I had the feeling I should be with this man, after about 30 seconds of saying nothing he invited me to have lunch with him and I accepted. We went to star bucks we talked about my classes and his work that s when I asked him how old are you? He simply told me 20 in 4 days. In my mind I went insane I was screaming on the inside this was going to be my man for sure now, he asked me that same and I told him that I was almost 18 his eyes got big and his smile got bigger. We talked all during lunch and he asked if he could take me home I agreed, on the way home in his 2011 jeep bright green it was beautiful, he asked Jane will you be my girlfriend? I promise I won’t let anything hurt you! I looked at him and without thinking I said YES. That’s when I thought to myself I have made a mistake!!
so yeah I had a really hot guy and yes I thought I loved him but I felt like I made a big mistake with saying yes to him. While when I got home that night he was all I could think about, I thought about him in every way possible, everything I did he was on my mind. I was in the shower when I remembered I didn’t give him my number so we can go out on dates. I was just getting in to bed with my hello kitty shorts and shirt on when I heard something hit my window, I looked out the window and seen him I smiled and ran down stairs out the door. He was so sweet to come to my house at like 12 in the morning we went to the park where I learned that he moved way to fast, first we kissed on the slide and then made out under a big oak tree, and then down under the hill we made passionate love. Well he so realized it was my first time, I didn’t know that this stuff would happen that fast I thought I was a good kid who would wait until after marriage.
I was always with him no matter what; I wanted to stay with him forever in his arms. I tried staying the night but since my dad was a pastor it wasn’t that easy, I would sneak out and stuff but never stay out later then like 1 in the morning.
That’s when it hit me something is wrong, I haven’t had a period in almost 2 months, this really concerned me I hadn’t told Samuel I was scared to, the only people that new was Casey and Emma but hope and pray they won’t tell anyone else.
By this time it’s been 4 days since I have seen Samuel I called him over 100 times but he won’t answer, I’m scared he got what he wanted and is now gonna up and leave. That night I lay in my bed crying and praying please God forgive me I wanthim to at least call me and say everything is okay that’s when my phone started ringing, it was him I answered Samuel where have you been I’ve been up for 3 days crying he told me baby I’m sorry I was in a car accident, I’m fine I was just afraid to tell you , that’s when it crossed my mind to tell him everythingSamuel I have to talk to you he must have known something was wrong baby what’s wrong you sound weird never mind don’t tell me I’m coming over now I’ll be there in 15 mins I said okay Hun I’ll see you then.
15- 20 minutes later he knocked at the door my parents knew I was dating him and knew I loved him, my mom answered the door I could hear her down stairs hey Samuel Jane's in her room you can go on up I heard him running up the stairs he got to my door and knocked come in I said he ran in and hugged me, then looked at me weird Jane what is wrong? He didn’t say anything. I started to cry Samuel I have something to tell you , what bout he said I’m 2 months pregnant, Samuels eyes got big and he jumped up how could this happen I began to cry even more I couldn’t stop, that’s when Samuel said baby I’m sorry, I love you and I’m glad I can’t wait till its born that s when I didn’t care if my door was open or who heard I ripped his shirt of and we had sex I don’t care if my parents saw I was just so happy I couldn’t contain myself.
Over the next two weeks Samuel didn’t leave my side he was there 24/7 and I loved it. He always talked to my stomach and rubbed it, it started to get pretty big, it was almost Halloween and I was 3 months along, for Halloween he put a pumpkin on my belly I just laughed Samuel was going to be a great dad I thought to myself. I was 5 months along on Christmas and Samuel hadn’t come to see me in two days I was flipping out I cried the whole time he wasn’t there, I called him several times but no one answered, I called my friends brother if he had heard from him and he of course said no not in 3 days. I stayed up all night and looked at my window wondering is he hurt? Is he mad at me? Does he not want the baby? Everything was running through my mind and all I could do was sit on my bed and cry.
It’s now January I’m 6 months pregnant, on 28th my phone rang, I answered hello Samuel was on the other line Jane I’m so sorry, I began to cry why haven’t you Called me? What the hell is wrong with you? Did you forget I’m pregnant? I didn’t give him time to answer before I screamed, Jane what is wrong? Samuel said, MOM we have to go to the hospital NOW I screamed but I was the only one home Samuel come get me please I begged in 10 minutes he was at the front door. It was a painful ride to the hospital, when we got there I looked back at Samuel while the nurse wheeled me away, he was crying sliding down the wall slowly I could tell he was sorry and that he truly loved this baby I prayed that nothing was wrong with it. 2 hours later after test and many doctors coming in and then leaving again they let Samuel in, his face was red from crying, he sat on the bed beside me, and I gave him a kiss and said I forgive you Samuel I just want to know where you were? He told me I had to take care on some stuff out of town, but baby I won’t leave you ever again.
The doctor came in and said your fine and your baby’s will be fine to, I looked at him then at Samuel and said wait did you say baby’s yes you’re having twins the doctor told me 2 boys. Samuels face lit up he was so happy that everything was fine, I left the hospital 3 hours later Samuel took me to get something to eat I was starving, but I couldn’t eat I was too busy think where am I going to live, mom won’t let me live with her , Samuel knew something was on my mind I told him and he said move in with me I can take care of you and the boys please baby move in with me I said yes and we went to my house and started packing my stuff. My parents came home and asked me what I was doing I told them and they just walked down stairs they didn’t say anything to me, that night I moved out and in with Samuel.
We got to his house around 7 in the afternoon, It took us about an 2 hours to get my stuff in the house again I'm 6 months pregnant so I can’t really pick up anything. That night was the best night ever lying in his arms all night, I didn’t want that night to end? I woke up around 9am and I noticed right away Samuel wasn’t beside me, I got out of bed and went in to the kitchen where I found him making me breakfast, he looked over at me and smiled good morning beautiful he said, good morning I said smiling at him. We ate breakfast together, then he told me baby I have to go to work will be back around 3 okay, I love you , I love you I said giving him a kiss goodbye.
I had been living him for a total of a month; I was 7 months pregnant I could barely get out of bed by myself, most the time I just stayed in bed. Samuel started leaving later and coming home earlier which I loved. Samuel would come home and come straight to the bedroom to check on me. He would come in and kiss me then talk to the boys this happened for a month or so.
On March 28th I was 8 months pregnant, I woke up in the middle of the night, and I screamed I was in so much pain. Samuel jumped up he knew something was wrong. He helped me out of bed and to the car where we went to the hospital. I was rushed in by the nurses we left Samuel standing there, he was walking back and forth, he look like he was about to cry. I was rushed in to a room where I laid there for close to an hour before they let Samuel come in, he ran in and said everything’s going to be fine baby I promise the pain was getting more intense and getting closer together. The doctor came in and said you’re in early labor, this can be a big complication with your baby’s we can stop it, what you want us to do? I looked at Samuel he was crying, I began to cry Samuel what do I do? He looked at me and said have them that all we can do. The doctor left, I laid there in bed Samuel not saying a word just crying in to his hands, finally I said Samuel, here is my credit card, go and buy everything we will need he just looked at me I’ll be fine just go he took the card and left. 2 hours later he came back, the doctor came in and said are you ready to have some baby s. It took 13 painful hours for them to be born we named them Jacob Eli and Mason Tyler. They rushed Jacob to ICU he wasn’t breathing on his own, mason was fine but so little Samuel held him before me, I was so tired and all I could do was cry, I was worried about Jacob. Samuel stayed in ICU with Jacob as long as he could, mason stayed in my room with me. I was in the hospital for 3 days then I left mason got to go home with me, it pained me to leave my baby behind, but Samuel said he would stay there night and day. Jacob on the 30th of March was rushed in for emergency surgery; Samuel called me right away when I got off the phone with him I fallen to my knees and cried. On the 15th of April Jacob got to come home, he had to have a feeding tube and we had to make sure that he was still breathing when he went to bed, mason slept in the nurse but Jacob had to sleep in our room right beside the bed, at 4:00 every morning both of them woke up crying Samuel always got Jacob and I got mason. Samuel took off from work to help me out, he loved the boys he would put them in the floor on a blanket and lay there with them, he would rock and talk to them. I could see the love for me and the boys in his eyes. In august I was rushed to the ER I felt like I was dying, they had to rush me in to surgery they removed my gallbladder; they said I had several gall stones. I couldn’t lift the boys for several days; Samuel did everything around the house he didn’t care. He knew that I was hurting on the inside. After about 2 weeks of just laying around I final could pick up the boys I was so excited because now Samuel could go back to work and I could do the work I had to at home just me and the boy.
After a long month I was tired I had cooked for Samuel and had everything ready but Samuel never came home, I was worried sick I needed help with the boys they were only 2 months old. I called the office they said he never showed up at work, by now I was in complete panic, I got the boys in their car seats and in to the car we drove for about 20 minutes when I see Samuels’s car, it was flipped over. I pulled over and ran to see if Samuel was in the car, he wasn’t but that’s when I heard my name Jane I looked over there he was sitting against a tree. I ran to him he was all bloody Jane I'm sorry I didn’t know Jane please just help me I called 911 he was rushed to the hospital me and the boy waited in the waiting room, it seemed like forever we final went back to see him. He was asleep I sat by his side for what seemed like 2 hours but I'm not really sure, when he woke up he was yelling help, I didn’t understand the doctor ran in and said he will be fine he’s just seeing the wreck in his head. They claimed him down and I was glad, he wanted to hold Jacob I let him he began to cry what if the boys were with me Jane if anything happens to them I couldn’t live anymore I looked at him and simply said Samuel we will do everything in our power to keep them safe. Samuel was in the hospital overnight just to be on the safe side. When I went to pick him up I took him a change of clothes, when he got in the car I told him the news Samuel I'm going to the doctor tomorrow he looked at me weird why? What’s wrong? Nothing Samuel I told him. So its now 5 months later the boys are 7 months old we went to the park then we went back home and Samuel watched them so I can go to the doctor, I was gone for about an hour and a half but when I got home I had some big news I ran in and Samuel was in bed asleep the boys were in there playpens asleep I jumped on the bed, which woke Samuel up baby what are you doing Samuel guess what baby, what he said I’m pregnant again. His eyes got big no Jane why are you saying no? Jane we don’t need another baby your only 19, and I'm 21 and to have 3 kids that’s not what we need no Jane you’re going to have an abortion I got up and ran to my car I wasn’t going to hear him say anything else I would send my parents for the boys. When I got to my parents I was a wreak my mother knew something was wrong the way I was acting, I sent my dad to get the boys I wasn’t going to stay there with Samuel and him not want this baby. When dad returned I put the boys to bed in their playpens. I went straight to bed I had to think, at 2 in the morning my phone woke me up it was Samuel I was afraid to answer but I did anyway, hello Jane baby please come back home we can work this out, we just don’t need another kid baby I was screaming over the phoneSamuel no I'm not coming back, this is my baby and it deserves to live just like the boys do understand, that’s when I heard it BANG a gun went off. I drove as fast as I could to Samuels I found him face down in a pillow with a letter to me and a picture of me and the boys in his hand. I turned him over he was still barely alive I called 911 and started to cry, I read the letter while I was in the hospital waiting it said dear Jane, I love you with all my heart, please forgive me for this I can’t live with myself knowing I wanted to kill a baby. I'm sorry Jane goodbye. I sat there crying for almost two hours when the doctor came out and said he is fine you can go see him but don’t touch him, I didn’t understand but when I got back to his room Samuel was looking at me, he could talk it was like nothing happened. Jane please forgive me, I want the baby Jane I'm sorry I said to have an abortion I didn’t mean it please come back home please Jane I can’t live without you. I moved back in a week later I had to keep the boys away for a while so I could help Samuel move around he couldn’t even go to the bathroom alone what was worse is the doctor said he won’t live to see 23 due to his injury. Samuel and I went and picked up the boys, Jacob had started sitting up and trying to crawl but mason was having trouble I later found out mason has a disorder where he can’t do anything. I took them all home I was 5 months pregnant on the twin’s birthday, Samuel didn’t get out of bed that day I didn’t understand why, I would go check on him but he would just lay there and say let me sleep. Samuel was scaring me and the boys Jacob went in there he wanted to show his dad what he got for his birthday, I heard Jacob saydaddy but Samuel never answered I went to the door Jacob was on the bed beside him. Daddy Jacob said again he had yet to open his present he wanted his dad to open it with him. I walked in to the room Jacob was crying, I walked over to Samuel, Samuel baby Jacob wants you to watch him open his presents, Samuel looked at me Jane no take him out of here and leave me alone, fine Samuel I'm moving out bye, Samuel ran to the car to stop me but it was too late I was leaving for good I would find someone else. Baby please don’t do this I don’t feel good today Samuel our son wanted you to open his presents with him but yet you wouldn’t even answer him good bye Samuel. And I drove away. That night I stayed with my parents they didn’t mind they loved the boys to death, I turned my phone off Samuel kept calling me, I used my dad’s computer to get on Facebook and tried to log on but Samuel had changed my password I couldn’t. I called Samuel the next day and women answered the phone that is this I asked I’m Samuels’s girlfriend, who is this? I'm Samuels girlfriend, I need to talk to him NOW, he grabbed the phone from whoever that girl was what do you want Jane, I was calling to see if you was home I wanted to come back the boys miss you, I miss you Jane it’s too late you left me, Samuel fine you will never see the boys again, baby don’t do this to me Samuel you have already moved on that’s my sister Jane she’s mad at you for leaving I hung up I couldn’t take it anymore. I left the boys with my mom so I could go think I went to the park to mine and Samuels’s favorite spot under the hill. Samuel was there I stood there looking at him because I'm like 6 months pregnant I can’t really sit, he was alone and crying, he was talking to himself. Jane how could you do this to me, I loved you and cared for you, but you left me alone by myself why? I had to say something to that so I did Samuel why didn’t you get out of bed why didn’t you answer Jacob why Samuel why? he turned around he got up and walked to me, he gave me a hug and said Jane I'm sorry I was depressed thinking the boys are one already and you expecting again. I stopped him I kissed him and said Samuel you don’t understand how bad you hurt Jacob, mason doesn’t understand anything but he said his first word last night he said dad and you wasn’t there Samuel looked at me then got down on one knee Jane marry me, I said yes Samuel but if you ever do anything to hurt the boys I will kill you myself understand, yes baby I understand I left the park and Samuel went home to clean the rooms and everything before we came home but when I got to my mom’s I seen the lights. They was taking mason to the hospital, I ran in the house where was mom but better yet where was Jacob I heard Jacob crying, I was screaming JACOB he came running to me he was cut everywhere there was a note on the table Samuels sister had been there. I called Samuel, Samuel I’m going to kill your sister why Jane, your sister came to my moms and masons bleeding to death and Jacobs all cut up and I can’t find my mom Samuel hung up and drove to the hospital. Samuel was there waiting on me, he was crying and I was pissed I gave him Jacob and ran to find mason but it was too late they told me they was trying to bring him back, we sat in the waiting room an hour when Samuels sister came in, Samuel was screaming at her you bitch how could you do this to my kids? What the hell is wrong with you? She looked at me and answered it’s all her fault! She caused it! Excuse me I said I'm the one that caused this no you’re the one that’s the cyco bitch, that’s goes around hurting little kids I screamed. The doctor came in and said they had mason on a breathing machine, Samuel was the one that went back to see him, I couldn’t stand to go see him I was to upset that I left and went to go find my mom. I went to her house there was blood everywhere, my dad pulled up and he was flipping out I found my mother in the basement she wasn’t moving I called 911 when they got there they said it was too late she had already passed on. I called Samuel and the cops, Samuel was pissed and the cops came to the house and they went looking for Samuels’s sister Beth. Samuel called me from the hospital and told me that mason was going to have to have surgery or he might not make it through the night I told Samuel to make the decision, Samuel said to have the surgery I took Jacob to the hospital to see his dad, when I walked in to the waiting room Samuel got up and gave me a hug I tried not to cry. They told us mason would be in surgery for a total of 4 hours this was a lot to take in, I mean my boyfriend might not live past 23, my twin boys were attacked and my mother is dead what else can go wrong in my life. Samuel was sitting in the chair beside me rubbing my big belly when to baby started kicking, we both agreed we didn’t want to know the sex of the baby. Samuel looked at me and he was excited he finally understood that this was his kid and he was going to love him/her to death no matter what. We sat in the waiting room all afternoon I finally told Samuel I was going to have to go home and put Jacob to bed and I needed a shower, he looked at me he was drawing little circles on my stomach, he said okay baby you go ahead I’ll wait and if anything happens I’ll call you.
I went home and put Jacob to bed he was sleep when we got home, I went and took a shower when I noticed that the bathroom window was open, I ran to check on Jacob, Beth was standing over him, I screamed and Jacob woke up, I ran at her I knocked her down and kicked her several times I called 911 and told them that she was in my house trying to hurt me and my son. They came at once and took her away i was beyond pisses at the world, it was 9 o' clock in the morning when Samuel called me and told me that mason was fine and that i should come. i went to the hospital, Samuel meet me at the door crying, i asked what’s wrong is mason alright, he cried harder i ran inside and went to masons room he wasn’t there, Samuel i said what’s wrong where is mason, mason was rushed in to surgery his lungs collapsed and they didn’t no why. I looked at him, I thought you said he was all right, he was then all of a sudden he stopped breathing. I looked at Samuel crying I begin to say your sister was at the house she’s got the death penalty. Samuel yelled at me it is your fault this is happening she was right, you gave birth to the boys what did you do take drugs, drink, I screamed I was stressed and worried about you!! He looked at me I grabbed Jacob and left I didn’t know where I was going I was just leaving! Jacob and I went to the beach for a week when we came back mason was fine and he was only going to have to stay in the hospital 2 more days, Samuel wouldn’t speak to me I was 7 months pregnant, Samuel took Jacob and went home I called him , Samuel we have to talk and we have to talk now he said why you left and took jacob, I said I know but I had to get away Samuel said I don’t care you left me and your sick child, Samuel I know I did am sorry. Just then I started to go in to labor, Samuel you have to get down here now, why should I he said, Samuel am going into labor. He rushed down there. They rushed me back and plugged me up the all these different things, when Samuel came back he was as white as a ghost, Samuel what’s wrong, he didn’t speak, I began to panic my water broke and I started to cry the pain was unbearable, Samuel final spoke the baby is in danger if they don’t get it out fast itll die, I screamed the pain was getting worse, please I begged Samuel get it out now please. Samuel ran for the doctor I was rushed back for a C-section when they got the baby out there was a problem I was bleeding more then usual they clamped me in four different places my baby was safe that’s all I cared about , Samuel was outside the door looking at me, I blacked out and I don’t recall how long I was out when I come back I was back in my room. Samuel wasn’t with me my baby wasn’t either, I pressed the call button and the nurse came right away , I asked them where my baby was and my Samuel was to. The nurse said your baby is in the nurse because its so little and Samuel is looking at her through the class. I asked if I could get up and go see them, she said no you are not allowed to get up for a while. I laid there crying wanting my kids and my boyfriend with me. The nurse came in with mason in her arms and Jacob holding on to her pants, Jacob seen me and ran to the bed the nurse sat mason on lap, I was so glad to see that my boys were fine and Samuel walked in he was smiling from ear to ear, I looked at him, what is it babe? I said, our daughter looks just like you he said smiling. They wheeled the baby in and we needed to name her, we named her Cassidy dawn. When we got to leave the hospital a mean side it Samuel, he yelled at me all the time I begged him to just stop and to calm down , Samuel died three months later without warning. I lived in his house and I cried my self to sleep serveal nights I went to get a job I meet a young man how was so sweet, he told me I was beautiful we went out a few times and that’s when it happened we had sex in the back of his car. He told me I was going to have his child I had no say so. The night I found out I was pregnant was the night we got married, I was asleep when Cassidy came running in she was 2 the boys are 3 she jumped on the bed and yelled mommy Jacob hit me in my ear it woke me up and I just covered my head back up with the covers, rider told Cassidy mommy needs to sleep. Cassidy went back to her bedroom to play, rider hugged me up and said I love you Jane, I smiled I was 4 months pregnant he rubbed my belly I giggled because it tickled, he felt the little baby kick and he said yeah that’s my boy.i tried to get up when the boys ran in yelling at rider. Daddy come on look outside they yelled he got up and looked out side it was snowing. Then I heard in a big bang I ran to cassidys room and the bookshelf had fell on cassidys leg. Rider I screamed, he came running he got the bookself up and run Cassidy to the car I stayed home with the boys. Me and the boys was at home for a bout two hours when rider and Cassidy came back home Cassidy had a broke leg. Rider was upset at his self he thought it was his fault because he told her to go back to her room. I was feeling awful so I went and laid down and took Cassidy with me we laid in bed and rider came in and kissed my cheek and said im going to the store the boys are going with me, I smiled and said okay can you pick me up so beef jerky and nacho cheese please, yes baby I can he said. He left, when he got back home I was in the bathroom vomiting everything up, rider came and knocked on the door baby are you okay he said, no im not rider I yelled. He heard me vomiting and ran in there to hold my hair. I was so sick this baby was killing me already………
To be continued
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