BROUGHT TO YOU BY OZARKA©
(We start with Airstar on his computer playing World of Escape with a headset on.)
AIRSTAR: C’mon, man. Rush B, rush B. Okay, cast the spell of Ognax. (Slams the desk.) G**DAMNIT! Dude, you f**king killed me! A**hole.
(The Chuck walks in.)
THE CHUCK: What the hell’s with the cursing?
AIRSTAR: (Takes off headset, turns toward The Chuck.) Sorry, dude. This game really makes the bleeps fly.
THE CHUCK: What game?
AIRSTAR: World of Escape. It’s this awesome game which allows you to escape from your problems for 15 hours per day, and then it becomes a problem itself!
THE CHUCK: How do you deal with that problem?
AIRSTAR: COD. Why do you ask?
THE CHUCK: Airstar, you’ve been sitting around this blimp for three days. It’s time to get out.
AIRSTAR: What are you implying?
THE CHUCK: That you’re a sack of crap who needs some freakin’ exercise. Pack your bags, we’re going camping.
AIRSTAR: Actually I’d rather no-(He gets hit in the head with a bat by The Chuck. An hour later he wakes up in the woods.) WHAT THE HELL? WHAT IS THIS STRANGE SMELL?
THE CHUCK: It’s called nature.
AIRSTAR: Oh, god. (Sniffs.) Smells good. Refreshing.
THE CHUCK: Check dis out. (He pulls a blanket off of something and reveals a tent.) TA-DA!
AIRSTAR: What is that, some kinda weird computer processor?
THE CHUCK: No, re***d. It’s a thing you live in while in the forest. Make a fire. Dusk is approaching.
AIRSTAR: Okay. How do I do that again? Oh yeah, backspace plus shift.
THE CHUCK: Jesus Christ…
(Cut to Schoolstar on his laptop in his room with Strong Sad [CHARACTER COPYRIGHT 1999-2010 THE BROTHERS CHAPS])
SCHOOLSTAR: Dude, Airstar’s not on.
STRONG SAD: Really? That’s weird. Maybe he’s…(CLOSE-UP.) BEEN MURDERED! (DRAMATIC MUSIC.)
SCHOOLSTAR: No, I think he lost connection or took a Mountain Dew break.
STRONG SAD: Yeah, probably.
(Cut to The Chuck hitting Airstar with a stick. Airstar is covered in leaves.)
AIRSTAR: Ouch! Ow! F**k! Damnit! What the hell, The Chuck?
THE CHUCK: I’m beating the WoE out of you. You are not in a game, this is real life.
AIRSTAR: OW! OKAY JESUS CHRIST, I GET IT! OW! THIS IS BULLS**T, THE CHUCK!
(He stops hitting him.)
THE CHUCK: Okay. Now that I have beaten some sense into you, and beaten your teeth out of you, you can now become one with nature. Now you must attach yourself to my ponytail.
AIRSTAR: We’re seriously going to do a lame Avatar parody?
THE CHUCK: Shut up! Attach yourself.
AIRSTAR: You don’t have a ponytail, dumbass.
THE CHUCK: Oh, right. Fine, you must drink the ancient waters of ancientness. From, (takes out an Ozarka bottle.) this Ozarka bottle.
AIRSTAR: Seriously, we’re going to do shameless product placement?
THE CHUCK: SHUT UP! Now drink up.
(He takes the bottle and drinks it all in one gulp. His eyes go dialated.)
THE CHUCK: Uh…what the hell is going on?
AIRSTAR: I HAVE BECOME ONE WITH NATURE. I AM NOW ALKALNOOPKA, KING OF THE FOREST.
THE CHUCK: Okay, Airstar, stop joking around.
AIRSTAR: I DO NOT JEST. I RULE THE FOREST NOW. (He levitates two inches above the ground.)
THE CHUCK: Holy crap. That’s Chris Angel s**t right there. Hey, make an Elephant disappear.
AIRSTAR: I WILL MAKE YOU DISSAPPEAR.
THE CHUCK: What are you ta-(He disappears.)
AIRSTAR: HA HA HA! I AM ALL POWERFUL!
(Cut to Schoolstar’s room.)
SCHOOLSTAR: Dude, go outside my room and to the left to see if Airstar’s at his computer.
STRONG SAD: Ugh, fine. (He takes his laptop off his lap and walks outside and looks to see Airstar’s not at his desk.) SWEET JESUS! (He walks back inside and plops back on the chair.) AIRSTAR’S NOT
SCHOOLSTAR: Oh my god, how could he leave the awesome graphics and gameplay? It’s time to file a missing persons report.
STRONG SAD: Um, you can’t file a missing person’s report if the person has been gone for, (looks at watch that he’s always had.) an hour.
SCHOOLSTAR: Being one for an hour is 72 hours in WoE time. We’ll just tell them he’s been missing since December 6th.
STRONG SAD: Okay.
(He picks up a phone.)
SCHOOLSTAR: Yes, I’d like to file a missing persons report.
OTHER LINE: WELCOME TO MISSINGFONE! TO REPORT A MISSING PERSONS REPORT, PRESS ONE! TO GET MOVIE TICKETS TO “MISSING PERSONS REPORT” STARRING KEVIN BACON, PRESS TWO! TO FREAK OUT BECAUSE YOUR
EIGHTEEN-YEAR OLD DUAGHTER RAN AWAY AND HAS BEEN GONE FOR HALF AN HOUR, PRESS STAR!
(He presses one.)
MISSINGFONE: YOU HAVE SELECTED OPTION ONE, FILE A MISSING PERSON’S REPORT. IF THIS PERSON IS A MALE, PRESS ONE! IF THIS PERSON IS FEMALE, PRESS STAR!
(He presses one.)
MISSINGFONE: IF THIS PERSON IS BELOW EIGHTEEN YEARS OF AGE, PRESS ONE! IF THIS PERSON IS ABOVE EIGHTEEN YEARS OF AGE, F**K OFF!
(He presses one.)
MISSINGFONE: IF THIS CHILD WENT MISSING MORE THAN 72 HOURS AGO, PRESS ONE! IF THIS CHILD WENT MISSING LESS THAN 72 HOURS AGO, PRESS TWO!
(He presses one.)
MISSINGFONE: IF THIS CHILD IS DISSATISFIED WITH HIS OR HER HOME LIFE, PRESS ONE! IF YOU BEAT HIM OR HER, PRESS STAR!
SCHOOLSTAR: Jesus Christ…(Presses one.)
MISSINGFONE: IF YOU ARE A BAD MOTHER OR FATHER, PRESS ONE! IF YOU DON’T WANT TO PUT UP WITH MY S**T ANYMORE, PRESS STAR!
(He presses star.)
MISSINGFONE: AN OPERATOR WILL BE ON THE LINE WITHIN SECONDS, MORE OR LESS.
(12 minutes later.)
OPERATOR: Missingfone, how can I help you?
SCHOOLSTAR: Yes, my relative went missing on the sixth. He was playing WoE and just left his desk, and we can’t find him.
OPERATOR: Can you give me a description?
SCHOOLSTAR: Yes. He is a no-armed whitey with a blue cap, a huge propeller, a blue shirt with a white star and orange soles.
OPERATOR: Okay, thank you.
(Cut to Airstar in a tree, The Chuck is at the trunk of it.)
AIRSTAR: I AM LOWEKO, ALL POWERFUL RULER OF NATURE!
THE CHUCK: This is just insane.
AIRSTAR: YOU ARE INSANE FOR NOT BELIEVING IN LOWEKO, NATURE GOD!
THE CHUCK: Listen, this is just a phase. Ozarka turns people in total pricks apparently.
AIRSTAR: DO THOU JOKETH? I FEELS MOST EMPOWERED.
THE CHUCK: Yeah, you’re empowered to suck my-
AIRSTAR: Calm the angst, dear one. For angst is not good for the soul.
(Airstar climbs down from the tree and hugs The Chuck intently.)
AIRSTAR: Oh, I love you The Chuck.
THE CHUCK: I love you too, Airstar. I think I’m in touch with nature now.
(Airstar reaches for The Chuck’s keys and grabs them. He then runs off with them.)
AIRSTAR: HA HA!
THE CHUCK: S**T! YOU SON OF A BITCH!
(Airstar starts the car The Chuck rented and drives away without him.)
THE CHUCK: JESUS CHRIST! What the hell was that?
(Cut to Airstar walking back on to the blimp.)
AIRSTAR: I’m home!
(Schoolstar comes out.)
SCHOOLSTAR: Oh, man. You’re home.
(Pom-Pom and Coach Z come in with cop uniforms on.)
AIRSTAR: Oh, sweet Jesus…I WAS GONE FOR AN HOUR!
SCHOOLSTAR: I know.
POM-POM: (So, you filed a missing persons report when he was gone for an hour?)
COACH Z: Well then, you earned yerself a night in the clornk!
SCHOOLSTAR: Not the clornk…
COACH Z: Yes, the clornk. (They arrest him.) You have the right to remain sorlent. Anything you say er do can be horld against you in the court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you
cannot afford one, one will be apornted to you by the state. Do you understornd these rights?
SCHOOLSTAR: Most of them.
(They take him away. Strong Sad comes in.)
STRONG SAD: Hey, you’re back! Where’s Schoolstar?
AIRSTAR: Yeah, he got arrested.
STRONG SAD: Oh. Well want to play WoE?
AIRSTAR: Totally bro, let’s do it.
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