BROUGHT TO YOU BY PEPTO-BISMOL
(We start with Airstar at a New Year’s Party at The Daily Show, where he works. He is talking to Aasif Mandvi.)
AIRSTAR: So then I said, “N**** ain’t got no cash!” Ha ha ha. Needless to say, I got the crap beaten out of me.
AASIF MANDVI: Well, that is very offensive so I could understand that you would.
AIRSTAR: Yeah, it wasn’t my finest moment. But after I said that, this old lady said “N-
(Wyatt Cenac comes up from behind.)
WYATT CENAC: Hey what are you guys talking about?
AASIF MANDVI: He was just telling me about the time he said “N**** ain’t got no cash” and got the crap beaten out of him.
AIRSTAR: Oh, Jesus, I didn’t say that, if you think I did, then you’re effing crazy, because I didn’t.
WYATT CENAC: Naw, man. It’s cool. Who cares who says n*****? It’s just a word. Just because it was used to put down black people for hundreds of years doesn’t mean that I give two flying f**ks
about you using it, you know why?
AIRTSTAR: (Gulps). Why?
WYATT CENAC: Because you’re too worthless of a human being for me to even justify beating the s**t out of you for using the most offensive term in the English language.
AIRSTAR: Oh, Jesus Christ…
WYATT: You better pray to him because once that ball goes down, and it’s 2011, your ball will go with it.
(He walks away. Cut to Airstar and Jon talking.)
AIRSTAR: So I know you’re always mean to me, Jon, but I think I’ve done good writing this year.
JON: Have you, though?
AIRSTAR: Yeah, I think so. What about when I wrote that bit about BP? Pretty epic, right?
JON: Yeah, if you’re a half-retarded monkey with a drinking problem.
AIRSTAR: What? What about that bit about the miners? “It’s a balloon you a**hole”. That was pretty funny wasn’t it?
JON: Yeah, but then you wrote that stupid s**t about Julian Assange, and that threw me off my groove, you d**k sponge.
AIRSTAR: I don’t get why everybody here has to hate me, and curse at me.
JON: Because you have no skin color, no arms, no pants and no penis. You have an enormous under bite, and your basically a re-color of Homestar Runner created by 1-Up Cheatachu on the Homestar
Runner Fanstuff Wiki five years ago before it was taken over by MikeControl.
AIRSTAR: Well, that’s great. What if I tell the media you’re such a jerk?
JON: They’ve heard I’m a sexist, so I don’t care.
AIRSTAR: Well that’s…true. Crap. Well you know what,
(Cut to Airstar on a stage in New Orleans with a microphone to his mouth. He breathes in as if he an announcement.)
AIRSTAR: …(Releases his breath.) I have nothing to say.
(Cut back to the party.)
JON: …Go f**k yourself.
(He walks away.)
AIRSTAR: Jerk. Well I should just, get back to Atlanta.
(Cut to Airstar in the blimp with The Chuck and Schoolstar.)
AIRSTAR: Remember you guys. We have to make 2011 better or better-er than 2010. You see for me, every year aim to make it better than the previous year. By 2025 I’m going to have a yacht with hot
ladies sexing me up and down in that fashion.
SCHOOLSTAR: So what are you going to do to make 2011 better than 2010?
AIRSTAR: I’m going to buy a new blimp.
THE CHUCK: WHAAT?
AIRSTAR: That’s right. This piece of crap has served its time, but the motors are going out, the blades are dinging. They’re dinging, The Chuck. DINGING. DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?
THE CHUCK: …Not really.
AIRSTAR: Well that figures because you’re a JEW!
(A man in a suit comes on screen with a microphone.)
MAN: That’s tonight’s random racial insult that doesn’t make any sense.
AIRSTAR: Thank you, suit-ed man.
MAN: You are welcome.
(The man leaves.)
AIRSTAR: Alright, so for this new years stuff, we’re going to need lots and lots of alcohol.
THE CHUCK: Or, we could have fun without alcohol, and just be ourselves.
AIRSTAR: F**K THAT!
(They all laugh)
SCHOOLSTAR: I’ll go pick up the booze.
AIRSTAR: No you won’t, because you are not invited to the party.
SCHOOLSTAR: Are you kidding me?
AIRSTAR: No, I am not kidding you. You are a Debbie Downer.
SCHOOLSTAR: Well, so is alcohol.
AIRSTAR: Yeah, but at least you feel good while you’re drinking it. Talking to you is like waking up every morning and putting a gun in your mouth. No, Homsar44withpie is getting the booze. Isn’t
that right, Homsar44withpie?
(Homsar44withpie comes in.)
HOMSAR44WITHPIE: Absolutely! Can I also pick up a hair braider while I’m at Bubs’?
AIRSTAR: Dude, you and your hair braider. Why don’t you just get one for god’s sake?
HOMSAR44WITHPIE: I asked for one for Decemberween.
AIRSTAR: Yeah but, I would never get you anything for Decemberween, because you’re not family. Now go get cold ones.
HOMSAR44WITHPIE: Alright FIINNNE!!!!
(Cut to H44WP at Bubs’ Concession Stand.)
H44WP: Hello, Bubs.
BUBS: Hey, H44WP. What can I get for you?
H44WP: I need about 20 cases of Cold Ones.
BUBS: When you say Cold Ones, what do you mean exactly?
H44WP: Um, I mean alcoholic beverages that go by the name “Cold Ones”. What do you think I mean?
BUBS: Oh, nothing. (Takes out twenty cases of Cold Ones.) That’ll be 100 bucks.
HRRWP: Okay. (Gives him 100 dollars and walks off.)
BUBS: (Takes out walkie talkie) It seems that Airstar. The Chuck and Homsar44withpie are having a New Years Party with 20 cases of Cold Ones.
(Cut to Darknight Flyer in an underground lair in a seat talking on the walkie talkie.)
DARKNIGHT: Blast! That scumbag is going to ruin my party! This has to stop immediately. Water Bad and AquaCheat, go sabotage that monstrosity.
WATER BAD: Okay, we’ll go sabotage Bubs’ Concession Stand.
DARKNIGHT: What? No. Just go sabotage Airstar’s party.
WATER BAD: Right. We’ll wait here while Airstar comes to sabotage our party.
DARKNIGHT: No. You, as in you two, go sabotage HIS party.
WATER BAD: Right. We’ll go to his party.
DARKNIGHT: And sabotage it.
WATER BAD: Right. We will go to the party and sabotage the blimp.
DARKNIGHT: Right. Wait, hold on, don’t sabotage the blimp, sabotage the party.
WATER BAD: Yes, we will go to the party and sabotage Bubs’ Concession Stand.
DARKNIGHT: NO! NO! You will go to the party and sabotage the damn party!
WATER BAD: Yes.
DARKNIGHT: Is this understood?
WATER BAD: Yes it is absolutely understood that we will wait here while you go sabotage Airstar’s party.
DARKNIGHT: Jesus Christ! No. You will go sabotage Airstar’s party, and I will wait here.
WATER BAD: Right. We will go sabotage Homestar’s party whie you go sabotage Airstar’s party.
DARKNIGHT: Oh, dear lord. No. YOU will go sabotage Airstar’s party, I will stay here.
WATER BAD: Yes. I will go sabotage Airstar’s party while you and AquaCheat stay here.
DARKNIGHT: Right. Wait, not quite, you AND AquaCheat will go sabotage the party, while I stay here.
WATER BAD: Right. You will go sabotage the party while we stay here.
DARKNIGHT: What are you not getting about this? You two are sabotaging the party, I am staying HERE.
WATER BAD: Yes.
DARKNIGHT: Is this understood?
WATER BAD: Yes. You and AquaCheat will go sabotage the party while I stay here.
DARKNIGHT: Oh my god…
(Cut to Airstar putting up a “HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011” banner.)
AIRSTAR: The Chuck, help me put this up.
THE CHUCK: Yes, will do.
(The Chuck gets up there to help Airstar put the banner up. H44WP comes in with 20 cases of Cold Ones.)
H44WP: Here they are!
(They finish hanging the banner and hop down off the desk.)
AIRSTAR: Perfect! We’re going to get so wasted!
H44WP: We’ll wake up January 1st in a ditch with a dead hooker by our side!
THE CHUCK: I don’t like this one bit.
AIRSTAR: Well, you’re not drinking age.
THE CHUCK: What’s the drinking age in Georgia again?
AIRSTAR: Same as every state, twenty-one.
THE CHUCK: Damnit. Well, I am going to have Diet Brown then.
AIRSTAR: Crap, that reminds me. Go pick up Diet Brown at Bubs’, The Chuck.
THE CHUCK: Okay.
(He leaves. Cut to Darknight’s lair.)
WATER BAD: Yes, we will go to Airstar’s party and kill him.
DARKNIGHT: What? No. Go there and sabotage the party.
WATER BAD: Yes, we will go to Airstar’s party and sabotage it.
DARKNIGHT: THANK YOU! Jesus, you two are dense.
(Cut to The Chuck at Bubs’.)
THE CHUCK: Hey, Bubs. I’d like to purchase a few cases of Diet Brown.
BUBS: Okay. That’ll be twelve bucks.
(The Chuck takes a grody, wrinkled, sh*t and c*m stained ten dollar bill out of hammerspace and then two fresh one dollar bills as well.)
BUBS: Oh, mama. That ten dollar bill is a pathetic excuse for a ten dollar bill. You need to get one not covered in semen and excrement.
THE CHUCK: It’s been in wallet since I got the wallet.
BUBS: When’d you get the wallet?
THE CHUCK: A week ago.
BUBS: Holy crap, where have you been in the last week?
THE CHUCK: Carl Palladino’s Christmas Party.
BUBS: Oh, that makes sense.
(Cut to AquaCheat and Water Bad looking at the blimp through binoculars.)
WATER BAD: Oh, this is going to be gooood.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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