ANDERSON COOPER: Point Biden when it comes to seducing Martha. We’ll get back to that later. Congressman Paul, why did you use campaign funds to buy clothing from L.L. Bean?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: I needed more money, and layers of L.L. Bean.
ANDERSON COOPER: Okay. Speaker Gingrich, you have said that you are a Reaganite and you support him and his policies, but do you realize that Reagan presided over one of the largest tax hikes in American history when he encouraged Congress to close tax loopholes and do you realize he provided amnesty for illegal immigrants?
SPEAKER GINGRICH: I want to impeach Ronald Reagan.
ANDERSON COOPER: I think I just had an aneurism. Senator Santorum, what is your opinion on the genocide in Syria right now? (Cut to Senator Santorum, who is writing on his note pad) Senator?
SENATOR SANTORUM: I just want to practice soft Algebra please.
ANDERSON COOPER: Okay, I’ll come back to you. After the next Gingrich question. Vice President Biden, you say shadowy corporations have a monopoly on zipper manufacturers and you advise women to not stare at men’s zippers, can you explain?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Shadow lips. Are preserving the zipper and don’t ever stare at the place a man zips. He’ll think you’re offering a funky munch.
ANDERSON COOPER: That’s a really weird word for blowjob. Anyway our viewers, or as I call them “sofa bears”, are probably pretty sick of this debate by now. I just hope they don’t get off their sofas and bum rush the stage. Anyway, Governor Romney, you have expressed concern that rappers surrounding themselves with beautiful Hispanics in music videos stunts the imagination of our children and adults. Can you explain this?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: All these rappers and their beautiful Mexicans, gotta keep my mind free.
ANDERSON COOPER: Now Matt, shush, because the sofa bears don’t know, go right off and I’ll defeat seventeen bears while you’re gone. But first I want you two to turn and look at each other. (President Obama and Governor Romney turn and look at each other) Oh, now that’s nice. Just stare deeply into each other’s eyes. Good, now say the first thing that pops into your brain. Whatever pops into your brain when I ask these questions, just say it. Mr. President, do you want to touch sand paper?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I don’t want to touch sand paper.
ANDERSON COOPER: Governor Romney, do you like the 1978 Wizard of Oz reboot entitled “The Whiz”?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: I like “The Whiz”!
ANDERSON COOPER: Okay, that’s informative. Now, I’ve always wanted to sing a song about how much I love food and music, but also about the President’s upbringing and the time he and I tried to break into a hotel so we could double-team this girl together, I was 18, he was 22, it was 1983. We were already wanted for robbing a pizza place earlier that day so the Reagan administration sent wolves after us. Eventually we broke into the hotel and while we were double-teaming the chick she couldn’t maintain her grip on my penis and then she laughed at us, which made us really sad. Let’s sing a song about that. Shall we? Okay, alright, now I want to try something. Why don’t we go “mmm”. Let’s go “mmmmmm”. (Obama and Romney start humming) Okay good, that’s what I want you to do. Now follow my lead. (Singing) I’m jumping a pimento shower. I wanted the music first. In the tragic square of the fresh prince, lies a perfect brown baby. The guards can see we’re all out of weapons, no machetes. Lotion raw bruises. Lotion raw bruises. Drink or sip. A wench at our hotel. Wolf government anchovies, if they laugh at you, you’ll drawn. Eye of the sparrow, this girl slipped on my arrow. (Stops singing) I love you two, okay? Now I want you to turn and look at me. (Romney turns back but Obama appears to be asleep) Ahmed?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Yeah, uh…he’s asleep.
(Anderson Cooper is fascinated by a butterfly in front of him)
ANDERSON COOPER: Oh, sorry. (It flies away) What does it mean now that the President’s asleep?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: It’s party time, chumps.
ANDEROSN COOPER: No, that’s not what it means, hopefully he’ll be awake by the time I get to the next Obama question. Herman Cain, I’m going to shake you a little bit with this next question. Sir, you spent four hours and two weeks arresting people running around in underwear for indecent exposure when you were a voluntary police officer in the 1980s. However, you seemed to give preferential treatment to woodchucks wearing underwear. You gave them food, shoes and torture devices as gifts. This led some to believe you were involved in the environmental lobby. How do you respond to these allegations?
HERMAN CAIN: Shake me ALLLL night loooong, (He laughs, along with everyone else) Said my crew kiddy rhyme, that makes you a hustler. Four hours and two weeks nothing! Anyway, like I always said. Can’t police no underwear. All you can do is give that woodchuck a tuna melt, a romantic shoe or a metal skull crusher. It’s crazy.
ANDERSON COOPER: It is crazy. It is literally crazy; this has been the most bizarre debate ever. Martha, want to ask a question?
MARTHA RADDITZ: Yes. Another key element in deducing if some is warm and kind or cold and frozen is what it tastes like when you kiss them. If it tastes like mouthwash, they’re kind and gentle, but if it tastes like AMTRAK soda, then their a psycho. (To Paul Ryan) Please taste like mouthwash, how can you not?
CONGRESSMAN RYAN: I know, right?
MARTHA RADDITZ: Sorry, you’re just really hot and that’s why I think you won’t get frozen.
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Hey, if you fancy this cow, make it now.
ANDERSON COOPER: Point Ryan! Why shouldn’t Martha fancy Congressman Ryan? He’s a rugged hunter, the wealthy owner of a bank, the heir to the Lemonhead candy fortune and quite frankly, I think Martha wants Congressman Ryan to squish her G-Spot at some point.
MARTHA RADDITZ: I call it my flipper.
ANDERSON COOPER: She calls it her flipper. Plus, Congressman Ryan and Martha are only seventeen years apart.
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: ‘Cause he wants for you all to frost his Lemonhead, and this lousy stiff hunts and fluffs and stinks like pee and now he’s Mayor of a bank! And all the-
CONGRESSMAN RYAN: No dude, no, no, look. I’ll squish your little flipper. I’m a so nice.
ANDERSON COOPER: Damn, Ryan, he just said you smell like pee! Ouch. Anyway, Congressman Paul, what are you going to do to address the cooked fish allergy pandemic in Hollywood? Many actors have succumbed to it, being a doctor, what is your solution?
RON PAUL: At noon on Wednesday I’m going to be leaving a watermelon pineapple treasure inside of Liam Neeson. He’s the one with the cooked fish allergies.
ANDERSON COOPER: The best cure for cooked fish allergies is to eat fruit? You are showing initiative, Doctor. Even if you are a Homosexual attempted murderer. Speaker Gingrich, do you think men should shave their chests or not?
SPEAKER GINGRICH: Hairy chests destroy our power and I went poo poo in the egg salad-oh Mary, oh my Gorsh, hey that’s not what I wanted to say…(Rick Perry giggles)…cancer.
(He snorts and then makes noises with his mouth while Herman Cain giggles. He then makes old man noises and Michelle Bachmann smiles at the camera)
ANDERSON COOPER: What the fuck, okay, Governor Perry, you are forgiven. Senator Santorum, this is the lightning round. What do you use to cut things?
SENATOR SANTORUM: Scissors.
ANDERSON COOPER: Good. What’s my other cousin’s name?
SENATOR SANTORUM: Frankie?
ANDERSON COOPER: Yes. When you were on the beaches of Florida during a recent campaign stop collecting seaweed, who stole your seaweed?
SENATOR SANTORUM: The black bandit took one of my top seaweeds out of my basket.
ANDERSON COOPER: Good job. Mr. Vice President, Hillary Swank recently said at an Occupy Rally, which Wynona Ryder was also at Governor Romney, Swank said banks want quick, easy success at the expense of others, do you agree?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Listen up, because this is deep, plastic gold baby was right, they want a cake walk!
ANDERSON COOPER: I assume you mean Million Dollar Baby, which is a film Hillary Swank starred in. Anyway, Mr. President, government waste has been a large debate in this country. Recently, the Washington Post found out about a castle that your administration bought for your dog Bo at taxpayer’s expense. The castle was very short but very wide, it had many accommodations. Do you deny that this waste of taxpayer money exists?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: If you believe there was a castle. About a five foot castle and it had two cellars and two Roombas, that’s because I asked for it.
ANDERSON COOPER: At least you’re honest. Governor Romney, you’re a charming guy, a likeable guy, an avid spider collector and even though you said my mom was fat, I can forgive you-
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Your momma can eat me.
ANDERSON COOPER: Fuck off. Anyway, you were the Governor of Massachusetts but you have no foreign policy experience to speak of, do you?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Centurians, from East Asia, near Mumbai, got my cooler and they took my spider jars into prison, I said “I’m going to let you do this”.
(Applause and cheering)
ANDERSON COOPER: Really? That resonated? Him acquiescing to Indian terrorists? Herman Cain, what is your plan to eliminate our dependence on foreign oil and power our cars?
HERMAN CAIN: Throw out the good guy’s coal. And then pack staples, and a few big apples like Mr. Drysdale, diaper clippers, it’s emergency somedays, cable cutters and sunshine. That’s the most important part.
ANDERSON COOPER: That is a bold energy plan. Martha, go ahead.
MARTHA RADDATZ: This question is for Congressman Ryan. Congressman, you have supported cutting funding for the poor farmer entitlement program which guarantees every poor farmer gets enough grass to feed their horses. Vice President Biden, you have indicated you agree with this position.
CONGRESSMAN RYAN: Horses? They just want grass too much.
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Listen Amy, poor people can suck it! Boring! B-b-b-b-
MARTH RADDATZ: My name’s Martha.
ANDERSON COOPER: Yeah, it is. Congressman Paul, you support defunding X-Rays, claiming that they are “boring”. Do you think the government should fund anything to make X-Rays less boring?
RON PAUL: Give me Vaseline for when I’m having these boring X-Rays!
ANDERSON COOPER: So Vaseline then? Okay. Speaker Gingrich, do you care to explain the massive brain lapse you experienced a few minutes ago?
SPEAKER GINGRICH: Can’t think when you’re fuckin’ high.
ANDERSON COOPER: Wow. Did not see that coming. Senator Santorum, do you know any Asian guys?
SENATOR SANTORUM: Um, uh, I know a few Asian guys!
ANDERSON COOPER: Well I just won your ass the Asian vote. You can thank me later. Governor Romney, to reignite our suffering friendship, what do you suggest we do tomorrow?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Let’s just go out and shop and grease a big nickel.
ANDERSON COOPER: Awesome! The mall would be nice. Herman Cain, in your administration you may have to fire people, do you have experience with this?
HERMAN CAIN: Half of me swole in two days, I had to fire a man. He was flipping. He was probably suffering.
ANDERSON COOPER: Well at least you have a conscience. Congressman Paul, you have said that repealing entitlements like Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid and ObamaCare would actually help the poor, sick and elderly. Especially their prostates. What if the American people refuse this idea?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: If you refuse, I’ll haunt your prostate.
ANDERSON COOPER: Wow, I do not want my prostate haunted. Speaker Gingrich, I could call the police and have you tested for drugs because just a few minutes ago you said you were high.
SPEAKER GINGRICH: Be cool, okay?
ANDERSON COOPER: Yeah, you’re right; I don’t want to be a narc. Senator Santorum, you have said that the Federal Government should not be footing the bill for medical assistance devices for magical creatures, as outlined in ObamaCare. Why?
SENATOR SANTORUM: Fairy crutches are bullshit!
ANDERSON COOPER: Strong stance. Vice President Biden, you were confronted while walking out of a CVS pharmacy holding a bag, but you quickly shuffled away, avoiding reporters. What did you buy there?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: I bought Summer’s Eve. I didn’t know what I was doing aaanddd, it’s remarkable. It’s hard to explain.
ANDERSON COOPER: No shit. Mr. President, two part question here, what is your opinion on Governor Romney’s plan to ban mass-production of pets, like puppy farms and duck farms from selling to people? Also, how do you respond to allegations that you tried to bribe Governor Romney to take a dive in these debates by procuring him an Air Force Supreme Commander to eat eggs with him the shower, per his fetish? Sources say Governor Romney got upset when the Commander brought her sister and her adopted kid from County Cork because she was more interested in starting a family with Governor Romney than having sex with him. Please answer both of these questions, you have two minutes.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: (To Romney) You don’t even want twin ducks? Baby ducks? You sir, are a loser.
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Okay, I see.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: And no one can whisk away those little terriers that we like. You can has a pinky puff.
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Hey man, I appreciate it but next time I’m not having my eggs in the shower!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I’m the President, right? Oh no he didn’t.
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Don’t pretend like you didn’t give me a divorced Air Force Supreme Commander with his sick sister and her Irish kid.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Why are you such an asshole?
ANDERSON COOPER: Whoa, let’s simmer down here. Governor Romney, if you had one message for the American people, what would it be and be sure to equate yourself with a 1980s movie character in your response.
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: I’m a gremlin. I’m leaving the party. And I want everyone to stuff the ice chest. (Applause and cheering)Thank you!
ANDERSON COOPER: Nice. I thought you would’ve gone with Gordon Gecko. Herman Cain, who holds the patent on Rice Cream?
HERMAN CAIN: Maximus holds the patent on rice cream and you have to go make it. It’s good.
ANDERSONCOOPER: Great. Congressman Paul, I understand that you have a terrific Emeril impression. May we hear it?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: BAM!
ANDERSON COOPER: Wonderful. Congressman, you and your wife have marketed a wine called “Whiffle by the Paul Family” and rumor has it that the ghost of Steve Jobs may be investing. Is that true?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: That spirit really wants to tap into my whiffle wine.
ANDERSON COOPER: Rumor confirmed! Senator Santorum, your medical reports indicate your diet consists mostly of tacos and egg whites , which is so weird, because that’s my diet too. In fact, I bet I could best you in a taco and egg white eating contest. Anyway, your medical reports indicate this diet makes you prone to bouts of diarrhea. Is this going to inhibit your ability to perform the duties of the President?
SENATOR SANTORUM: Yeah, tacos and egg whites, you’re not going to win, but diarrhea is okay. One time I just let it, shoot off. It went on for half a block.
ANDERSON COOPER: Jesus Christ, you shot diarrhea out of your asshole in the middle of the street and it went on for HALF a block? Fuck, that’s disgusting. How are you not in jail? You know what? I’m not asking you any more questions tonight. Vice President Biden, you were recently robbed by a man who choked your dog Iris and at a press conference about the event, you threw out all of your philosophical predispositions about generally good men with flaws and condemned him as a terrible person. What happened exactly?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: The big robber reached out to harm me. He choked Iris. This guy’s a fucking pig and don’t forget, I’m a philosophy weirdo.
ANDERSON COOPER: With the cussing, Mr. Vice President, please. Although I did say asshole a minute ago. Mr. President, recently you have shaken up your wardrobe to include violet-colored shoes and a foil-like substance on your suit jacket. How do you make sure this looks good in pictures?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Gotta think about holding the pose and the extra foil. And red shoes.
ANDERSON COOPER: Very concise. Governor Romney, what are your views on masturbation?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: So many people are rubbing on their messy parts. It’s awful, awkward and germy. I mean c’mon people, I mean, I know it feels good. But we’re embarrassed.
ANDERSON COOPER: I know I am! Mr. Cain, what is a gremlin?
HERMAN CAIN: It’s a big rat with little ears and warts! And it’s supposed to know what time it is now.
ANDERSON COOPER: Ouch, sorry Mitt. Congressman Paul, there is a dry-skinned cross-dresser named Howard Peterson, who writes for the New York Times and he has recently called you an “ass”. How do you respond?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: Let’s all pour lotion over the person who thinks I’m an ass, we should-we should take their wig off!
ANDERSON COOPER: Nice. Vice President Biden, I heard that not only your dog got choked by a robber but something happened to your cat. What exactly?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: My cat got whammied. And a Mexican-American did it. And though that’s mildly racist…I will proceed.
ANDERSON COOPER: No you won’t. Governor Romney, when it comes to Syrian genocide-
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Haha! Hehee! Hey! Ah! Ah-so!
ANDERSON COOPER: …The fuck? I forgot my question. Hey, what is underwear doing hanging in the rafters?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Is that your underwear up there?
ANDERSON COOPER: Maybe. Mr. Cain, can I call you on your phone so we can do something fun next week?
HERMAN CAIN: My phone’s broken. Alright? Let’s go parachutin’ on Tuesday.
ANDERSON COOPER: Awesome! I’m in. Congressman Paul, how can you make yourself appealing to soccer moms?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: Like a lot of people, I still drive an SUV.
ANDERSON COOPER: I just won you the soccer mom vote, you can thank me later. Mr. Vice President, the black vote is vital in next year’s election; however, only 94% of it will go to President Obama. That’s down two points form 2008. How can you sure up that remaining six percent, pandering wise?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: I’m black, you’re a black and the country’s black!
ANDERSON COOPER: Good job. Mr. President, recent ads of yours have accused Governor Romney animal abuse and sadistic behavior and they have also hinted that you have a present for me that you’ll give after the debate, but you have refused to confirm this. You can’t do that. Percy, do you have a present?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Governor Romney tied up a chicken. And then he gave a whipping to a disabled. And it’s going to happen to you.
ANDERSON COOPER: Wait, is my disability the fact that I’m gay? Ugh, nerve mind. Governor, are you aware how devastating seven trillion in cuts would be for the economy?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: I’ll punch you in the back.
ANDERSON COOPER: Wow. Didn’t we used to be friends or something? I offered you cookies, you helped me come to terms with my homosexuality and now you’re just…a dick. Anyway, you have described the groups of black conservatives as an “inky fountain” and you’ve described the Liberal media as “rabbits” and you’ve described racist white liberals as “pink clown enemies”. My question is…what?
HERMAN CAIN: Here in an inky fountain we’re having a great time. Clearly there’s a bad rabbit in this block. And it’s got my pink clown enemies!
ANDERSON COOPER: I assure, you I’m not a pink clown enemy. Congressman Paul, many have said your campaign is less about becoming the Republican nominee and more about spreading your libertarian message. To be fair, your childhood cat did end up getting the Republican Nomination in 1964 because Elvis Presley campaigned with him, but some have said you’re not willing to ride the lightning on this one. Is this true?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: I can ride the lightning. It happened to my kitty and Elvis was part of it!
ANDERSON COOPER: Well, your kitty still lost to Johnson, but whatever. Vice President Biden, are you feeling fulfilled in your life after you gave food to a homeless drug addict and built a condominium for him?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: I’m impressed that I am out of bed. Because I’m a manikin and we made a condo. We made it out of turkey and we made a naughty cokehead quit whining.
ANDERSON COOPER: Wow, you’re impressed that you’re out of bed? That’s so sad. Governor Romney, did you get that guinea pig I sent you as yet another “thank you” gift?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Uh, I lost my guinea pig. We gotta look for him. Here, Percy.
ANDERSON COOPER: Hey! That’s my new nickname for the President! Ahmed wasn’t really working out. Mr. Cain, teach me an expression.
HERMAN CAIN: I’m going to teach you an expression. I quit.
ANDERSON COOPER: That’s…inspiring. Congressman Paul, what is your philosophy on life?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: Life is murder and you’re forced to fight the war! You’re a pony and you want this cookie and yet you can think straight! Bring on the steamed croutons.
ANDERSON COOPER: Are you hungry, Congressman? Also life isn’t murder just because you almost committed it. Vice President Biden, if I could get back to the situation in Syria-
(We cut to Vice President Biden and Martha Raddatz on stage. Martha is on the phone with someone)
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Hey let’s hit it.
MARTHA RADDATZ: But I don’t want to.
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: But you’re going to have a really great time.
MARTHA RADDATZ: Okay.
(Vice President Biden takes the phone from Martha and puts it to his ear)
VICE PRESIDENT: She’ll call you back.
ANDERSON COOPER: You guys can’t fuck on stage.
(Martha gets off stage and goes back to her desk and Vice President Biden puts away the phone)
ANDERSON COOPER: Anyway, I was at a man’s apartment last night and we were getting hot and heavy, and-
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Are you a rapist?
ANDERSON COOPER: My God no, what is wrong with you? Seeing as how we already have several adulterers, an attempted murderer, sexists, racists, sluts, alcoholics, stoners, cokeheads, Xheads and weirdos here, I wouldn’t be surprised, but no, I’m not a rapist. Anyway, the guy I was getting hot and heavy with told me that Bain Capital once was involved in a company that tested cinnamon-flavored cigarettes on chimps. According to the chimps, they tasted more like cardboard. Were you involved in that?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: I made a small chimp, smoke cardboard cinnamon.
ANDERSON COOPER: Quite candid. Mr. Cain, what is your view on women?
HERMAN CAIN: Women got a special feeling, though. They got an extra-fatal lady shimmer of no maximum strength. And you could be sick poopin’ out blood and you’d still want them. Happy Hoops Day.
ANDERSON COOPER: Is today National Basketball Day? I didn’t realize. By the way, even if I was sick shitting out blood, I would not want women. Moving on, Congressman Paul, what is your favorite home appliance and what would you do if someone tampered with it?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: I love dishwashers. And if one of my spoons got left, I’d find the big ape who did it.
ANDERSON COOPER: Why is it an ape? Anyway, Vice President Biden, you have said that when you first became Vice President, you went through a hazing process that was particularly brutal, especially from an unnamed employee who went by the nickname “Pikachu”. Can you explain this in detail?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: My friends would shave my behind. They’re putting ants into my behind! A parakeet is on my behind! (Applause) WHY are you people clapping?! Thick concrete is UP my behind!! PIKACHU!!!
ANDERSON COOPER: Too much detail. Governor Romney-
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Cray cray.
ANDERSON COOPER: Alright, you have called my momma pudgy and said she could eat you in this debate alone. You’ve met my mother before, what problem would you have with her that would warrant such mean-spirited comments?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Your momma Karen has a pig ear! It’s a pig ear!
ANDERSON COOPER: She’s very self-conscious about her ears, you know. Mr. Cain, I was putting jam on biscuits last night when I saw a report indicating your poll numbers are high because people find you likeable, not necessarily because of your policies on anything ranging from the economy to the obesity crisis. My question is, what is your specific plan to combat obesity and why do people find you so likeable?
HERMAN CAIN: I’m a nice guy, that’s why-that’s why she said-uh- BREATHE ON. BISCUITS AIN’T FOR JAM. The people who buy Coke and Macaroni Salad, let’s feed ‘em orange thread.
ANDERSON COOPER: Orange thread would be healthier, Congressman Paul you have said that the overly-complicated bureaucracy in Washington is all because of one bureaucrat named Ramone Juarez. What would you do about him as President?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL The hardest part is to shoot Ramone. I know it.
ANDERSON COOPER: Why is it always about murder with you? Vice President Biden, did you know there is a fake hockey rink in the other room?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: There’s a fake hockey rink right here? Oh my God!
ANDERSON COOPER: Yep, go see it after the debate. Governor Romney, I’m going to go deep in this next question.
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Go deep.
ANDERSON COOPER: I will. Governor, Paull Ryan has been floated around as a possible running mate for you. If he were to run with you how would you make his deeply unpopular plan to turn Medicare into a voucher system appeal to old people?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Old people are stinky. Spike their drink.
ANDERSON COOPER: Wow. The worst thing you could possibly say to get the elderly vote. Herman Cain, you have proposed giving all Americans headless birds to eat, citing the fact that you have “swagger” as a justification. Explain.
HERMAN CAIN: Oh yeah, I got swag. Because everybody needs Toucan stubs!
ANDERSON COOPER: Sounds like socialism to me. Congressman Paul, your support has been fervent amongst college students, what do you do when you interact with them?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: Dude said “Have some brewskies!” and I’m like “Those are awesome, more like it!”
ANDERSON COOPER: Cool. Vice President Biden, you’ve criticized Congressman Ryan not only for his elf-like ears but his pickiness. Can you explain this?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: If the big elf ate half his cheese, he’ll go and throw it up! Just like that.
CONGRESSMAN RYAN: Finish please.
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: No, you’ll just throw it up.
CONGRESSMAN RYAN: Psycho fudgy pants, I know you’re not good at expression. (Biden laughs) You become a first grader.
Governor Romney, you recently went to a zoo and bought three animals. What were those animals?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: I bought two zebras and tamed a parrot named “Mr. Future”.
ANDERSON COOPER: Cute name. Congressman, you’ve rejected food stamps, so do you think there’s any food that should be given out for free?
CONGRESSMAN PAUL: FREE BANANAS! (Silence) Well, nevermind.
ANDERSON COOPER: Yeah. Governor Romney, my mother just texted me saying you don’t like her because you don’t know here very well. She says the two of you should go hang out or work in a garden together. Also, maybe in the answer to this question you could sop up some of the youth vote since you just lost the elderly vote and essentially, Florida.
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Yo momma can’t reach my body and touch it. It’s my body, you see? Yo momma can’t reach my garden, o-tay? It’s my garden, you dig?
ANDERSON COOPER: You are just the worst person ever. How are you going to get the Hispanic vote since you just lost the elderly vote and likely the youth vote with that terrible attempt at outdated slang?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: I’m a hot taco!
ANDERSON COOPER: So racist. You think you can appeal to Hispanics by claiming you’re a hot taco? Wow, let’s move on. Squirrel kicking has become an epidemic and groups like PETA says there should be a specific nationwide ban on squirrel kicking. But you have said that most squirrel kickers are just clumsy and accidentally kick squirrels. Explain.
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Squirrel kickers are drunk marionettes.
ANDERSON COOPER: Got it. A woman named Fifi recently came forward and said you ate her out and afterwards promised the two of you would have a three way with a monkey, but then you left, is this true?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: I’d like to get a monkey because I ate Fifi!
ANDERSON COOPER: Yet another shocking admission. What are you doing after this debate, Governor?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Ah, strip party!
ANDERSON COOPER: Wow, you guys are being honest today, that’s kind of weird. Governor Romney, recently there was a murder in the Albert P. Spice Federal Building. The FBI questioned an African-American teenager who was near the scene of the crime, but he was released due to lack of evidence. But you insists they should question him further, why?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: And now they have murder in the Spice building. You gotta ask a black boy “Who did it?”
ANDERSON COOPER: They did! Governor, tell me about how you hunted with your dad as a kid in the sixties.
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: I’d butcher a deer. Every weekday waiting for pappy.
ANDERSON COOPER: Okay. Do you have any more to say about my momma?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Your momma got a fruit child!
ANDERSON COOPER: Yes she does. Anyway, what do you want to say to the Obama Campaign today?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: We’re going to knock you and take tissues out of you. And my foot, it can leave its prints on thin testes.
ANDERSON COOPER: Wow, are you threatening them on national television? Anyway, Governor, do you remember what guy I like?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Big strong Greg.
ANDERSON COOPER: Correct.
(A man stands up in the audience)
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Howard?
MAN: You’re dumb!
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: I hate you.
ANDERSON COOPER: Get him out of here, security.
(Security escorts him out)
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: What?
ANDERSON COOPER: I didn’t say anything. Governor, what is your view on Marijuana and do you know where I can get some primo dank?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Marijuana is great. Call the whippet badger.
ANDERSON COOPER: That was not the response I was expecting. But thanks, I’ll get that dealer’s number from you after the debate. Do you think the Government should pay for soda under food stamps or do you think the government should do surveillance of the consumption of soda due to its contribution to the obesity epidemic?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Every soda cannot be free, but I’ll chop a squid and mash a pickle and watch you drink it.
ANDERSON COOPER: More than a little creepy. Governor, what do you say to the 8.6% unemployment rate and the 49 million Americans living in poverty? Can you lift their spirits with a song, perhaps?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Dang, no one’s happy. Now if you live in America, you know this next song. “It’s simple, just tap it, tap it in, that’s a zinger! And tell me how to poke it on Tuesday!” And for you foreigners that translates as “Con leche lucati le fraim le prasba fair nechee fettagacci. Latso sofa bacci! AIII!”
ANDERSON COOPER: Yeah, I don’t think that was a correct translation. Governor Romney, you have told me over the phone that I should avoid the “white horse” of cocaine at gay bars and I should abstain from sticking ferrets up my anus during drug-induced gay sex.
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: There’s a white horse that breaks your momma’s pretty son. If you’re watching that horse, the ferret’s gonna-
WOMAN IN THE AUDIENCE: I wish you would drown!
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: That girl’s a bitch.
ANDERSON COOPER: Indeed she is, Governor. Thank you for the advice, I really mean it. Governor, could you sing us some harmonies about your religion?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Sing me some harmonies! (Singing) It’s a small picture in a shop somewhere, and I know who it is! It’s Mormon Judy! And cow people.
ANDERSON COOPER: Little pitchy, but hmm, good stuff. Governor Romney, President Obama’s assertion that you are black leads to the question of whether or not you have a gangsta-style jet ski. Do you?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Dude, I don’t have a jet ski, not the kind you’re talking about. Also, everyone can see that I’m not black. I mean, this isn’t scientific stuff, I heard there’s not going to be a test! (Singing) But I do want you to support me and be my man!
ANDERSON COOPER: Oh, that’s beautiful. Governor, the deputy Director of the CIA was recently caught having eggs in a bathtub with his mistress. He then resigned. Are you sickened by that behavior or are you jealous of him?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: That dude’s the sickest. We hate him. Because he had eggs for a bath. Gonna throw up tonight.
ANDERSON COOPER: Ah! But if you throw up, then it’s as a jealous woman. I mean, you already said eggs in the shower was your fetish, so you must be envious. Anyway, Governor Romney, are you a robot?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Ah, come on, I’m not a robot, okay? I wish. Then I could go higher and you could rotate my arm and send me whooshing into space. Can you hear me?
ANDERSON COOPER: Yeah, I can hear you fine. I just don’t know why you felt the need to verbalize your desire to go “whooshing” into space. Governor, this next question is from an audience member. Aaron Soskoff. Aaron?
(Aaron stands up in the crowd with a microphone)
AARON: Um, Governor, Muffassa News recently reported that graduation rates were down and crime was up. I wanted o graduate college but I had to drop out for numerous reasons, I didn’t have the discipline of an Asian person was one of them, which is too bad because I wanted to be a singer like Etta James. I was wondering first of all, if you think one person should be the judge, jury and executioner to speed up our criminal justice system, secondly, do you support using sea weed to power our cars considering seaweed did not do well when tested on chickens, according to Muffassa, there was a lot of seaweed so that’s why eleven chickens kept burping-
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Son, sit down.
(Aaron sits down)
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: You gotta get your facts straight. There was only one chicken. And thanks for the misinformation. Kid, I ought to smack your face, you were supposed to graduate! Now you’ll just be the King of American junk people. Hey, I wanted you to be Miss James! Like a crazy Asian, ashamed and lonely. But now that won’t happen! Because you’re a spoiled kid and you hate jobs! I’m like Judge Dredd!
(A man comes over and sets down a plate of bacon-crusted rolls on Anderson’s desk and then walks away)
ANDERSON COOPER: Oh, thank you, Reggie. (He takes a bite, chews and swallows and then sits the roll down) Damnit, who ordered the bacon-crusted rolls? It’s like someone over there’s making a crack-filled sandwich.
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Oh yeah and I like their ground meat on spinach. Ah, It’s wonderful and sometimes I buy their scum brownies. “Did you bake these?” “No, I’m not Reggie.”
ANDERSON COOPER: Indeed. Thanks, Reggie. Anyway, Governor, sources indicate you attend horse-riding night classes and there’s a woman in there that you like. Sources also indicate you like to beat up the Burger mascot outside the local “Burger Castle” in Boston. Is this true?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: I have to go and buy a saddle for my night class. Where there’s a cutie. I haven’t gotten the chance to show her just how good it is to fight burgers as people.
ANDERSON COOPER: I don’t think she wants to know. Governor, when you came to President Obama’s house recently you said his gumbo deflated and was an odd color. You said President Obama’s such a bad cook that you wouldn’t be surprised if he deflated. Could you expound on that?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: (To Obama) I’m no surprised your gumbo was green. I mean, you know-just, just peep him. I’m feeling like I might poke him just to see what happens.
ANDERSON COOPER: I just have one more question for you before we wrap this up. I’m glad you lectured me about drugs, because I have been using drugs lately. I gotta spit. I smoked a few, you know? Now I’m sailing on fifteen days worth of anti-depressants, it’s like the whole world’s a surfer dude. And they’re all chewing pencils. You know, I mean, boy, I’m toast! So thank you. Anyway, one last question Governor Romney, and I’m sorry that the last twenty questions have been for Governor Romney and for nobody else, but honestly, this is a debate to see who’s going to get the GOP nomination and we know it’s not going to be any of the other losers on this stage. So, Governor Romney, there has been persistent misery these past four years regarding the economy and unemployment and poverty, how do you think we should get out of this stump?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Let’s haunt this misery stump.
ANDERSON COOPER: Oh, there it is! The debate has come to an end. Thank you Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Herman Cain, Michelle Bachmann, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, President Obama, Paul Ryan, Ron Paul, George W. Bush, Bill Clinton and Jon Huntsman for attending this debate. Thank you to those watching here and at home. Remember, one of these men could be the next President, except for former President Bush and former President Clinton and let’s be honest, everyone but President Obama and Governor Romney. So choose wisely. Good night!
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Short Story / Mystery and Crime
Short Story / Mystery and Crime
Short Story / Mystery and Crime
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