“CSI MINDS AND ORDER”
BROUGHT TO YOU BY PEPTO-BISMOL
(We start with Agent Shane Dawson of the FBI watching a music video for The Who’s hit song, “WHO ARE YOU?”. He pauses it and turns around.)
SHANE: I should really just run this song into the ground. I have the strangest compulsion to just play this song over and over again for eleven seasons until it just dies on the goddamn table.
(Agent Kenneth Blanche walks in with some coffee.)
KENNY: Here’s your coffee, Mr. Dawson.
(Kenny hands him the coffee.)
SHANE: Kenny! What the hell is this? This looks like coffee with a touch of horse taint.
KENNY: Uh…excuse me?
SHANE: (Takes a sip.) Doesn’t taste all that bad, though. So what is this new case I hear of?
KENNY: How’d you know about that?
SHANE: Water cooler gossip.
(Iona comes pops in.)
IONA: Hey did you hear about Ullman from the SVU? It turns out his wife’s bangin’ the field director!
SHANE: NOT NOW, IONA! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, CAN’T YOU SEE I’M IN A MEETING, JESUS CHRIST!
IONA: OKAY OKAY! (She leaves.)
SHANE: Bitch. Anyway, yeah we’re good friends. So, the case, get me them details. Are they juicy?
KENNY: Well, they’re juicy if you get some sort of sick pleasure out of a woman dying in an arson incident.
SHANE: BINGO! Who was the woman?
KENNY: Just read the reports.
(Kenny hands him the reports.)
SHANE: Okay, it happened on January 2, 2011 and that was yesterday.
(Law and Order sound effect plays.)
SHANE: It seems to intentionally victimize State Senator and professional fire-eater Jenna Stewart. I guess the fire-eater, has become the fire-eated.
KENNY: How do you live with yourself?
SHANE: So, are we going to go to the scene or not?
KENNY: Uh, we are. So grab your coat.
(Cut to Shane and Kenny standing over the body, with the mother near.)
SHANE: So you were the mother?
MOTHER: (Emotional) Yes. She’ll always be my baby…
SHANE: I know. It’s painful. OW! GOD! Stop stepping on my shoe, Jesus…
(Shane walks over to the body with sunglasses on and lifts up the sheet. He then puts the sheet down, puts his foot on the body and looks outward in contemplation while Kenny looks on, confused.)
SHANE: Oh my god…
(Shane looks into camera three.)
SHANE: Looks like she’s…well done.
(The mother looks on, offended.)
KENNY: Boss, looks like she’s medium rare, right?
SHANE: Kenny that is screwed up. For Christ’s sakes, the mother is RIGHT THERE!
KENNY: But you just-aw, never mind, sorry.
SHANE: That’s right.
(A man with ash all over his face walks up to Shane.)
MAN: I came to turn myself in. I’m the arsonist.
SHANE: Uh, yeah, that’s not how this works, he must be a beginner. I’m going to give you a ten-minute head start, and you should run as fast as you can.
MAN: No, I’m really the arsonist.
(The guy runs like hell.)
(Cut to the interrogation room, where Shane and Kenny are talking to the mother.)
SHANE: So, did Jenna have any enemies?
MOTHER: No, just a few rivalries from the state Senate.
SHANE: Was anything suspicious ever left at her door step?
MOTHER: No. Just, just this.
(She hands him a piece of paper with a big black penis on it.)
SHANE: (Wide-eyed.) That’s not incriminating, that’s just disturbing.
(Shane hands her the paper back. Then, Kenny comes in and hands some papers to Shane.)
KENNY: Uh, shouldn’t she be crying or something?
SHANE: No, she’s been sedated.
KENNY: Oh, okay.
SHANE: Now I want you to tell me the truth, I mean come on, she was a state senator! She had to have tons of people talking shit about her. You don’t think that maybe there some back door, “You
jerk me off, I’ll jerk you off” shit going on?
KENNY: Yeah and another thing, where’s her birth certificate and why is her middle name Hussein?
SHANE: What in the hell are you talking about?
KENNY: Sorry, Glenn Beck was on in the lobby.
MOTHER: Look, all I know is that she was a good-hearted girl and a competent legislator, and that’s all that needs to be said. Nobody I know would want to go after her.
SHANE: Nobody you know.
MOTHER: Right. Wait. What are you implying?
SHANE: Well what the hell do you think I’m implying sugar tits? (Mother’s face looks shocked.) I’m implying that it was someone YOU didn’t happen to know who killed your daughter.
MOTHER: …You’re an asshole.
SHANE: It’s all part of the job. Wait, Kenny, what are all these papers for?
KENNY: Mostly blank sheets of paper. I carry them around all day trying to look busy.
SHANE: Jesus, Kenny that’s bullshit, you’re supposed to be totally focused on this case.
KENNY: Oh, and at the same time trying to finalize my divorce? No way.
SHANE: Ugh, I’m going to call baby girl. You’re useless.
(Kenny throws his hands in the air. Shane takes out his cell phone and dials a number.)
SHANE: Hey baby girl, I need you to look up any political rivals of state senator Jenna Stewart that have a record, okay? Thanks, you’re the best. (He hangs up.) Baby girl told me that, Omar
Kandalasaras, former burglar and embezzler who lives by County Oaks pre-school ran a vicious ad against Jenna perpetrating her to be a voodoo master.
MOTHER: I think I remember that ad. Omar over-voiced it, he said be sure, this November, to burn Jenna’s house to the ground with her inside of it.
SHANE: Well that certainly doesn’t raise any red flags, just political babble. But, we might as well check this dick out.
KENNY: I’m not touching his dick.
SHANE: No, you idiot, I called him a dick. We’re not touching his dick.
KENNY: Okay, I’m just saying. I don’t want to touch any dicks.
SHANE: Noted. Let’s go.
(Cut to outside Omar’s house.)
SHANE: I can’t wait to get my hands on this dick.
KENNY: Once again, I don’t feel comfortable touching, or even seeing his dick.
SHANE: What the hell is wrong with you? I’m calling HIM a dick. We’re not touching his dick.
KENNY: Okay, I’m just clarifying.
(Omar opens the door. His face has black on it, and there are three matches in his mouth.)
SHANE: Hello, I’m Agent Shane Dawson from the FBI, do you mind if I come in?
OMAR: (Spits out matches.) Sure.
(They walk in to see a defiled picture of Jenna Stewart, matches, guns and gloves.)
SHANE: So, did you have anything to do with the arson murder of Jenna Stewart?
OMAR: I plead the third.
KENNY: You mean the fifth?
OMAR: No. I really mean the third. I will not have soldiers quartered here tonight.
KENNY: Really? That’s too bad, because I was going to see if I could crash here tonight, because of my divorce.
SHANE: You’re not a soldier.
KENNY: I went to boot camp when I was twelve.
SHANE: You mean fat camp?
KENNY: Go to hell.
OMAR: Can we just focus? I’m not saying shit, I plead the fifth.
SHANE: Guess we’re going to have to exercise our second amendment rights on your face. (Pulls out a gun and puts it to Omar’s face.)
OMAR: What the hell are you doing? I didn’t do anything; you can ask anybody, I stole a candy bar when I was twelve, GODDAMNIT WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME???
SHANE: Because I’m not bulshittin’ around. Now you either confess, or you can kiss your goddamn face GOODBYE.
KENNY: Shane, I don’t think you can do that.
SHANE: Not only can I, but I will if you don’t CONFESS.
OMAR: FINE! I DID IT! PUT DOWN THE GODDAMN GUN!
(He puts down the gun.)
SHANE: Why’d you do it?
OMAR: She was growing immense power as a state senator. She made March 15th state-wide potato day. WHY’D SHE DO IT? WHY?
SHANE: Kenny, arrest this dick.
KENNY: I really hope that you don’t mean-
SHANE: JESUS CHRIST! Just arrest him…
(He puts handcuffs around his hands and leads him out the door.)
OMAR: Can I have a match?
SHANE: There’s only one thing left to do. (Law and Order music plays.) WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO OMAR? FIND OUT ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF CSI MINDS AND ORDER!
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