“CSI MINDS AND ORDER”
BROUGHT TO YOU BY DOVE
(We start with Kenny doing a composite sketch on Shane’s desk. It’s a crudely drawn black man. Shane walks up from behind him.)
SHANE: Uh, Kenny? What is wrong with this picture?
KENNY: Well, I think the gold teeth need to be brighter.
SHANE: No, Kenny I mean-wow, that’s racist. No, Kenny, I mean you being at my desk.
KENNY: Oh, um, I don’t know.
SHANE: For god’s sake, Kenny, YOU ARE AT MY DESK! When you should be in your own office.
KENNY: That’s not really an office, boss.
SHANE: It…works. For you. Now go back to your office.
(Cut to Kenny working in his “office” which is really a bathroom.)
(Cut back to Shane on the phone this time.)
SHANE: Hello, Iona? Yes, of course we will. Bye. KENNY!
(Kenny walks in.)
KENNY: What do you need? I was just organizing your body soaps.
SHANE: That can wait. This shit is urgent. There’s been a series of murders down town.
SHANE: Yep. Most of the murders were of Drug Dealers. Grab your coat.
KENNY: I have my coat on.
SHANE: Let’s go.
(Cut to the scene, which is the apartment of a drug dealer. They are talking to the drug dealer’s friend.)
KENNY: So you’re the drug dealer’s friend?
THUG-NIFICENT: Yeah, I loved him so much, man.
KENNY: You don’t seem that sad.
THUG-NIFICENY: Naw, I am. His drugs were the shit.
SHANE: What was his name?
THUG-NIFICENT: How the hell I’m supposed to know?
KENNY: Fine. What’ your name then?
THUG-NIFICENT: I’m THUG-NIFICENT, and I don’t take no bullshit.
SHANE: Listen, we don’t care about your refusal to accommodate bullshit, we just need information.
THUG-NIFICENT: Right. Um, yeah he mostly kept to himself. An average day for him would be, you know, wake up around 2pm, watch Jersey Shore, do a couple drug deals, get a pedicure, puff on the
bong, massage his roommate, invite over some hoes to give him interior decorating ideas, gangsta shit like that.
KENNY: Roommate? Where’s his roommate?
THUG-NIFICENT: He splitted, man. Said he was going on the Appalachian trail.
SHANE: Really? This calls for the calling of…BABY GIRL! (Whips out phone. He calls baby girl.) Hey, baby girl, I ened you to go to the Appalachian Trail sign-in database and give me some names of
some people who have hiked there in the last six hours. Uh-huh. Okay thanks, baby girl you’re the best. Yeah, I know, I love ya too baby girl. Alright. See ya later, foxy mama. (Hangs up).
KENNY: Why don’t you guys just screw already?
SHANE: Are you kidding me? I wouldn’t touch her. Alright, let’s do some Crime Scene Investigatin’.
(Cut to Kenny dusting for fingerprints, and then Kenny picking up a piece of fiber, and then Shane dusting Thug-nificent’s shoulder. Shane and Kenny are now sitting on the couch with
SHANE: Oh my god…
KENNY: Those lab reports take so long…
THUG-NIFICENT: You guys can’t go back to your own office?
SHANE: Eh, that place sucks. So much drama, and people taking their glasses off, and the head turns, and always with the slowly building music…it’s exhausting.
(Iona comes in.)
IONA: The lab results came in. it’s someone named Anthony Dixon.
THUG-NIFICENT: You know, I do remember there being a rival drug dealer that occasionally would have a pillow fight with him. Maybe that’s Anthony Dixon.
SHANE: Really? Describe him.
THUG-NIFICENT: Short, brownish-black hair, brown eyes, yay-high, Caucasian.
SHANE: Okay, well thanks. Kenny, take a note.
(Kenny looks around and then throw his hands in the ar.)
SHANE: We’re looking for a brown-eyed, short-haired Asian.
SHANE: Yeah that’s what he said.
KENNY: Pretty sure he said Caucasian.
SHANE: I don’t care what kind of Asian it is, they all look the same to me.
(Cut to Shane asking some random old lady on the street.)
OLD LADY: Yeah, I know I saw a man, a man who was tall, but he may have been short. No, he was tall, with black hair.
OLD LADY: And he seemed oriental, but I think he was just deeply tanned, because I know he was from South Jersey. I think he may have been my Uncle Cleo, who was in the war!
(Shane stops taking notes and rolls his eyes.)
OLD LADY: He used to take me on long, tandem bicycle rides around Lake Dillampano, and we sometimes ran into Abraham Lincoln on his way back from the corner market.
(Shane walks away.)
OLD LADY: Goodbye, Edward! I wish he would visit more often.
(Cut to Shane and Kenny standing in the street.)
SHANE: My ask-arounds aren’t going anywhere, Kenny.
KENNY: Neither are mine.
SHANE: You know what, we don’t have to stand for this. Can’t we just have a news conference?
KENNY: Why not?
SHANE: Let’s do it! (Iona comes in.) Kenny, straighten that tie. (Kenny begins straightening) Iona, throw on a dress. Because we’re going to the press.
(Cut to Iona at the podium. Shane and Kenny stand behind.)
IONA: Today, the Diversified Homicide Division of the New San Vegas FBI field office would like to make a statement to the greater New San Vegas area.
(Shane walks up.)
SHANE: Yes, I am Shane and this is my partner, Kenny. We are from the…SVD, or, VDS….hold on…
SHANE: The DHD would like to warn you of a murderer whose going around killing drug dealers. This man’s name is unknown, but his traits are as follows; short hair, white skin, jeans and an
addictive personality. He probably kills drug dealers because his dad was one, or some BAU bullshit like that. If you see a man like that, please call 911. (MUSIC PLAYS: BECAUSE THERE’S A SHORTY
FIRE ON THE DANCE FLOOR, OH-WOAH-OH-OH! All three dance when the music begins, and stop when the music stops.) Thank you. There will be no questions.
(Iona and Kenny leave as Shane gathers papers. Before he’s done, the random old lady comes in and grabs him by the arm.)
RANDOM OLD LADY: Why did you leave, Edward? You know I’m fragile. (She makes saddened face towards the camera.)
SHANE: …This is weird.
(Cut to Shane at his desk. Baby girl is on speakerphone.)
SHANE: So, what was on the Appalachian trail sign-in sheet?
BABY GIRL: Uh, there’s nothing on here except seven Mark Sanfords.
SHANE: Then one of those Mark Sanfords had to have been his roommate.
(Kenny comes in)
KENNY: A message came for you.
(He opens it up.)
SHANE: DAMNIT KENNY!
SHANE: This isn’t from my landlord.
KENNY: It’s crucial to the investigation though.
SHANE: Yeah, I know. I’m just, still waiting for that security deposit.
KENNY: Just read it.
SHANE: This is from the roommate. He said that if I’m reading this, he’s dead, and that Anthony Dixon is after his friend. It goes on to say where Anthony Dixon’s hide out is. (Close-up.) Oh my
god, Kenny. Get your coat. We’re going downtown.
(Cut to Anthony Dixon in a hoodie talking to THUG-NIFICENT.)
ANTHONY: Dude, so I’m down with the drugs, you know what I’m sayin’?
THUG-NIFICENT: Yeah, cool, listen, I may have told the cops what you look like.
ANTHONY: What the hell?
THUG-NIFICENT:I know, I know. But I think I know how to make it right.
ANTHONY: How, nigga?
THUG-NIFICENT: Why tell you, when I could, show you.
(The camera pans over to Shane and Kenny walking in. Shane is wearing a tie and their al buttoned up with big smiles and papers in their hands.)
SHANE: That’s right, a time share in Costa Rica could be yours for only 12 payments of 200 dollars a year!
ANTHONY: Holy shit! Time share assholes! Don’t pull this shit with me, nigga. I’ll do anything!
SHANE: Okay. Did you murder Henry Glickman?
SHANE: Ah-hah! (Rips off tie) I’m Shane Dawson from the FBI and this is Kenny!
KENNY: Hands in the air!
(Kenny handcuffs Anthony.)
ANTHONY: You want to know why I did it?
ANTHONY: BECAUSE DRUGS KILLED MY FATHER!
SHANE: Um, you’re also a drug dealer.
ANTHONY: Yeah, but look at the sign.
(Camera pans to sign saying “NO FATHERS”)
SHANE: Ah, I see. Get out of my sight.
(He is hauled off.)
ANTHONY: I’LL GET MY-
SHANE: AND MY HEARING!
(THUG-NIFICENT sprays perfume.)
SHANE: And my smelling-ooh that smells nice. So you’re an undercover cop? Never woulda guessed.
THUG-NIFICENT: Really? Because I see you in the building like twice a week. I waved to you last week, but you didn’t wave back, and-
SHANE: Well that’s the end to another elusive mystery.
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