“FAULKNER AND BRUCE”
BROUGHT TO YOU BY JACK DANIELS®
(We start with Faulkner on set with some actors on the sitcom.)
FAULKNER: I want some water over here! FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, I WANT SOME WATER!
(Someone brings him water.)
FAULKNER: THANKS, SPEEDY GON-FAGGOT!
DIRECTOR: THREE, TWO, ONE, ACTION!
FAULKNER: Hello, Mrs. Johnson. You’re c**t smells like rotting vegetables and your husband’s c**k doesn’t c*m.
DIRECTOR: CUT! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??
DIRECTOR: No, no, stick to the script for god’s sakes.
FAULKNER: The script is simply not edgy enough.
DIRECTOR: Edgy? You want edgy? Here’s some edgy. F**k you, if you don’t stick to the script, then you are fired, you asshole. Is that f**kin’ edgy enough for you?
FAULKNER: That’s not edgy, that’s hurtful.
DIRECTOR: Oh my lord…just read the goddamn script would you? Okay, action!
FAULKNER: Hello, Rob. How are you today?
ROB: Doing just fine, Mister Baker, how about you?
FAULKNER: My name is Faulkner, you c**k f**ker c**t licking d**k jockey.
DIRECTOR: Oh, jesus..
FAULKNER: YOU A** F**KING FAGGOT WITH ONE BALL AND NO D**K! YOU C** SWALLOWING CHODE HIPPO WITH-
(Cut to Faulkner in an office with his mentor, Douglas.)
DOUGLAS: You need to realize something, Faulkner. Edginess is not just cursing randomly. It’s using cursing and sexual dialogue to get a point across.
FAULKNER: Well then I don’t understand. I’m trying to do what you want me to do.
DOUGLAS: I WANT YOU TO READ OFF THE F**KIN’ SCRIPT.
FAULKNER: See? That’s edgy. What you just said is edgy. That is what people want. Look at the ratings for this sitcom, they’re dreadful. It’s time to bring Dr. King’s dream alive, and say some edgy
DOUGLAS: Dr. King?
FAULKNER: I meant Dr. Carlin. F**k, piss, s**t, c**t, c**ksucker, motherf**ker and tits, baby!
DOUGLAS: You are a total schmuck. If you don’t get your ducks in a line,
FAULKNER: So I can f**k them all in the a******?
DOUGLAS: SHUT UP! IF YOU DON’T GET YOUR S**T TOGETHER, THEN I WILL TEAR YOUR GODDAMN FACE OFF!
FAULKNER: Fine, fine. God, it’s impossible dealing with you.
(Douglas looks at the camera and mouths “the f*ck?”)
FAULKNER: I will stick to the script. Goodbye.
(Cut to Bruce in the security room watching Faulkner on one of the studio cameras.)
BRUCE: Damn, he is going at it.
(Cut back to the studio.)
FAULKNER: Hello, sir. I’m here because there was a noise complaint. You guys must’ve been f**king too loud or something.
DIRECTOR: WHY? WHY? You know what, FINE. DO THE SITCOM HIS WAY! SEE IF I GIVE A DAMN! (He storms off.)
M. FAULKNER: Um…did the director and creator of the show just cede control to me?
(The January 2011 issue of “Entertainment Weekly” is shown, and there is a picture of Faulkner on there, and the headline is “TV’S EDGIEST MAN BREAKS OUT ON NBC” and then a blog entry is shown,
entitled “M. FAULKNER IS FUNNY, EDGY AND OUT OF CONTROL” and then a newspaper headline that reads, “NBC FINED 150 MILLION”. Cut to Faulkner in the security room with Bruce watching a tape of the
FAULKNER ON TV: So I was with my wife and I was like, “Goddamn, that’s some smelly p***y! And then I took my massive, throbbing black c**k and stuck it in her earhole. I f**ked her earhole and c**e
all over her f**kin’ face, and then my neighbor came in and beat me half to death with a dildo, and then his wife came in. She has massive tits. I wacked my penis as her tits, and her nipples got
hard, and the husband’s d**k go hard, and then there was a f**kfest compete with handjobs, bl**jobs, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl 69, the j*** roller coaster, the-
(Bruce turns it off.)
FAULKNER: What the hell?
BRUCE: Are you serious with this? This is absolutely filthy. I don’t want my unborn child to come into a world where this is acceptable.
FAULKNER: Oh, now that you’re a father-to-be, you love any opportunity to mention your unborn child. Well you know, what?
(Cut to Faulkner on the set of “Family Connection” which is the sitcom name, by the way.)
FAULKNER: F**k your unborn child.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.)
FAULKNER: Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!
(He walks off set and backstage he is confronted by suited men from the network.)
NETWORK MAN: Hello, I’m Bob Higgins from NBC. We need to talk.
(We start with Faulkner in a room with the board of Directors at NBC.)
BOB HIGGINS: Listen Mr. Faulkner, we have made massive amounts of money from you. The “Family Connections” show once you joined earned ratings that most inaugurations wish they had.
Advertisers jumped on the show so fast despite the strong language, and they paid us a fortune. Unfortunately, government interference has gotten in the way. NBC just fined us 150 million dollars
for all the literal uses of the word f**k, s**t, c**t, c**k, d**k, p***y and all that, which was a lot of them. As a result of this government action, we have no choice but to ask you to stop with
the coarse language.
FAULKNER: What? But we put up a warning, and we rated it TV-MA, I mean what the hell do we have to do?
BOB HIGGINS: Sorry, man. What you said was illegal to say on TV. I mean, for Christ’s sake, (Picks up a piece of paper.) “Hello, Johnson family. Do you want to take a ride on my Johnson? My d**k’s
like a volcano ready to explode in your f**king face. Do you want your face to be burned off? Or do you prefer I take a s**t on it? How about I just f**k your face and fill your mouth with my hardy
c*m.” That is, admittedly heavy for network TV. That’s HBO stuff.
FAULKNER: So what do I do now?
JEFF ZUCKERBERG: You could say, “Hello, Johnson family. Do you want to take a ride in my Pontiac? It’s a two-seater. My dingaling is like a volcano ready to erupt in your face. Do you want your
face to be burned off? Or do you prefer I take a crap on it? How about I just sleep with your face and fill your mouth with Pizza that I will order using the money I earned working for the Parents
Television Council.” That’s an equally edgy alternative.
FAULKNER: That’s not edgy! That’s a man ordering pizza and then making some weird jokes. God Damnit…
JEFF ZUCKERBER: Listen, an 150 million dollar fine is unprecedented. We’ll go nearly bankrupt, so either clean it up, or you’re fired.
FAULKNER: Maybe YOU’RE FIRED.
JEFF ZUCKERBERG: You can’t fire me, I’m the President of NBC.
FAULKNER: Argh. Dick. Well you know what, I don’t give a flying fu-
BOB: NOPE! You don’t give a flying fruit.
FAULKNER: F**k you!
(Cut to Faulkner sitting on the couch on the set of Family Connections. The “Sarah” character is sitting next to him.)
SARAH: So, what are you going to do to me?
FAULKNER: (Monotone) I’m going to have consensual sex with you, strictly for procreation, after we wed of course.
SARAH: Sounds sexy.
DIRECTOR: Cut! You can’t say sexy!
SARAH: Jesus Christ…
FAULKNER: Yeah, this is bulls**t censorship.
DIRECTOR: We’re tightening our belts, okay?
FAULKNER: I’LL TIGHTEN YOUR BELT AROUND YOUR NECK AND J**K YOU OFF!
(Audience laughs and claps.)
FAULKNER: Thank you! Thank you! And another I thing, I QUIT!
(Faulkner walks off the set in a huff.)
DIRECTOR: Oh, my god.
(Cut to Faulkner outside smoking a cigarette. A beautiful middle-aged lady in a fur coat walks up to him with a cigarette.)
LADY: Can I get a light?
FAULKNER: Yes, you may.
(Faulkner lights the cigarette.)
LADY: I see you in there. You have some pretty heavy balls, don’t you?
FAULKNER: Want to find out?
LADY: That’s cute, but you’re a little old for me.
FAULKNER: I’m only 55.
LADY: You look older.
FAULKNER: Why thank you. With age comes wisdom.
LADY: This is true. I’m 48.
FAULKNER: I wish I could say the same. What’s your name?
FAULKNER: I’m M. Faulkner.
DIANA: What’s the M stand for?
FAULKNER: It was my father’s name, and he was an asshole. I don’t like to use it. I go by Faulkner.
DIANA: Aw. I respect a man who, at your age, fights against censorship in our time.
FAULKNER: I respect a woman who respects a man who fights against censorship in our time.
DIANA: You’re quick. Give me your card.
FAULKNER: Will do.
(He takes out his wallet, and his Driver’s license falls out. Diana picks it up.)
DIANA: It says you were born in 1947.
FAULKNER: Oh, that’s a misprint. I was born in 1955. Trust me.
DIANA: Oh, I do.
(They start making out.)
(Faulkner is having vaginal sex with Diana. Their genitals are covered up by the sheets, and Diana is wearing a bra. Cut to later, when Faulkner is lying in the bed. Diana wakes him up.)
FAULKNER: WHAT? F**K?
DIANA: You should go. But here is my card. (Hands Faulkner her card.)
FAULKNER: (He takes it and looks at it.) You work at Showtime?
DIANA: Yes I do. Your edgy material would be perfect for Showtime.
(The camera goes up and it cuts to a crowded Times Square in New York City with an advertisement with Faulkner’s picture that says, “FAULKNER, PREMEIRING JULY 2011 ONLY ON SHOWTIME, VIEWER
DISCRETION IS ADVISED”. And then it cuts to Faulkner in a dressing room where it is implied that he is receiving fellatio. The camera is at nipple level.)
FAULKNER: OHH….OH…F**K YEAH…
(Cut to Faulkner on Bill Maher’s HBO show.)
FAULKNER: Oh, Bill Maher. You’re so witty and clever. You also think your better than everybody else. HA HA!
(Bill Maher laughs along. Cut to Faulkner hosting Saturday Night Live.)
FAULKNER: It’s so great to be hosting Saturday Night Live! Oh, man am I excited.
(Everybody cheers. Paul Brittian comes on stage.)
PAUL BRITIAN: Hi! I’m Paul Brittian, featured player on Saturday Night Live!
FAULKNER: Ha ha! F**K YOU, NOBODY GIVES TO S**TS ABOUT YOU. YOU REACH NOWHERE NEAR MY LEVEL OF FAME. YOU ARE BUT A SPEC OF DUST AND I AM THE MOTHERF**KING EIFFEL TOWER ON TOP OF A SKYSCRAPER ON TOP
OF A SPHYNX ON TOP OF A GODDAMN TAJ MAHL! (He pushes Paul off the stage.) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
(Cut to Faulkner and Bruce in the security room.)
FAULKNER: That’s what would have happened if I hadn’t grabbed that Showtime girl’s tit and stolen her purse.
BRUCE: Well, s**t happens.
FAULKNER: Yep. Do you got any Jack over there?
BRUCE: Yeah. (Gives him some Jack Daniels.) Good to have you back, Faulkner.
FAULKNER: Good to be back, Nick.
FAULKNER: I’m just f**kin’ with ya.
(They both laugh profusely.)
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