“FAULKER AND BRUCE”
BROUGHT TO YOU BY JACK DANIELS
(Faulkner and Bruce are in the security room.)
FAULKNER:Sean is a total loser and I hate him like he is a jerk wad that doesn’t deserve Mavis Beacon or his life! This is how much faster I type then Sean, he is a f**ktard. No matter, Merry
Christmas to all! Oh yeah, and what kind of name is Faulkner? Sean is a Faulkner. This is how fast I type. Unique New York. Unique New York. Unique New York. Unique New York. How much wood could a
wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
BRUCE: What in god’s name are you talking about, Faulkner?
(Ned comes in.)
NED: Who is Bruce? How does Bruce know where I live? He shouldn’t know this information. I will find him and murder his entire family with a key board. However, I will show them how much faster I
can type then my idiotic brother Sean Connery. That’s rich, I brought him to justice. Like a sheep brings a MILF to justice on a cold winter morning. Sean, stop breaking up weed on your laptop, it
makes it messy and I just got high from touching it. Anyway, I’m off to meet my hemp tailor, adios muchachorifico!
BRUCE: I’m right here, jackass. Why are people being douchers today?
FAULKNER: Sorry I was just muttering to myself about my brother Sean. He’s in the service. He’s strong and muscular.
FAULKNER:Goodness! There’s someone stealing a golf cart near studio 7a!
BRUCE: Oh god! Let’s jump into action, Faulkner.
FAULKNER: But he’s getting away too fast!
BRUCE: But uh, he’s going like three miles per hour.
FAULKNER: Three miles per hour is too fast for this security team.
BRUCE: …You’re pathetic.
FAULKNER: You are. Now let’s play “Count the asshole producers”.
BRUCE: No. I am going to that Golf Cart theft sight.
(He gets up and leaves. Cut to the street outside Kessler studios in sunny Los Angeles. Bruce is spinning his keys around and scanning for a golf cart. A golf cart pulls up.)
BRUCE: Hey! STOP!
(He goes in front of the golf cart and the cart stops. Two teenagers are at the wheel.)
KID 1: What the f**k, man?
BRUCE: You stole this from Kessler studios, you little twerps.
KID 2: No we didn’t asshole! Move the hell out of our way before we run your ass down!
BRUCE: It says Kessler Studios on the side you idiots!
KID 1: F**k off, man. You can’t prove anything.
BRUCE: You need to clean up your language young man.
KID 2: You look, like five years older than us.
BRUCE: I’m twenty-seven and I have a wife who’s pregnant, now either get off the cart or I’ll have to call back up.
KID 1: Oh, what’s your back-up?
BRUCE: 12 armed buses with thirty troops in each holding eighty missile launchers.
KID 2: Yeah, right.
(Faulkner comes up from behind.)
FAULKNER: I’m back-up!
KID 1: Wow, some old n***** with a badge. That’s your back-up?
FAULKNER: (Gasps) WHAT IS YOUR NAME, SON?
KID 1: Michael.
FAULKNER: MICHAEL, YOU NEVER EVER EVER CALL ANYBODY THAT, YOU HEAR ME?
MICHAEL: Shut your n***** face.
FAULKNER: OH YOU SON OF A BITCH!
(He tackles Michael, while Michael’s friend Liam attempts to drive the cart. He drives the cart and crashes into the Kessler Studio fence while Faulkner beats on Michael and Bruce watches. Once the
cart crashes, Bruce pulls Faulkner off of Michael.)
BRUCE: Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
MICHAEL: You dick! You gave me a bruise! You’re going to pay for this!
FAULKNER: YOU BETTER NEVER EVER USE THAT WORD AGAIN, YOU HEAR ME?
MICHAEL: Yeah, whatever.
BRUCE: Listen, let’s be reasonable. If Kessler finds out that you assaulted a young boy, we’re in deep s**t. Let’s pay this kid some money to keep him quiet.
FAULKNER: (Sighs). You’re right. It’s the right thing to do.
BRUCE: Yes it is.
(Faulkner and Bruce are in the security room paying the kids 500 dollars each.)
FAULKNER: There you go, you little sh-
BRUCE: Shh. You got your anger out earlier.
FAULKNER: Fine. Go on, get out of here.
MICHAEL: Okay, bye.
FAULKNER: So, how’s Nikki?
BRUCE: She’s good. She’s about a month and a half in. The odd cravings are starting to set in.
BRUCE: …F**k you, too.
(Cut to Faulkner in Kessler’s office with a cigarette in his hand.)
FAULKNER: Can you believe Bruce recently? He’s being so annoying. (Takes a puff.) With all his, “My wife’s pregnant, everyone listen to me!” crap. You know, I bet he doesn’t even have a wife, and
he’s just doing this for the attention! How pathetic.
KESSLER: I’ve met his wife.
FAULKNER: Not only that, but he’s been showing me pictures of her pregnant stomach.
KESSLER: Then why would you doubt that he has a wife?
FAULKNER: Because, ergh, I don’t know, I just-goddamnit, Kessler! You’re supposed to listen, not constrict me with your reason. (Takes a puff.)
KESSLER: Okay, there’s no smoking in the building.
FAULKNER: I think you should put Bruce on Maternity leave.
KESSLER: You mean paternity leave?
KESSLER: That’s only for when his baby is born.
FAULKNER: But by then, I will have had to put up with nine months of his bulls**t.
KESSLER: Why are you in my office? Since when do you confide in me? Get the hell out of here!
FAULKNER: Okay, Jesus.
(He puts out his cigarette on Kessler’s CD Tray and leaves.)
KESSLER: What the hell man? That’s my CD tray for-oh my god.
(He throws his head in his hands. Cut to Faulkner and Bruce sitting in Amelio’s Diner.)
FAULKNER: So, Bruce.
BRUCE: What’s up?
FAULKNER: We need to talk, man.
BRUCE: Why? What’s going on?
FAULKNER: Well, you’re becoming insufferably annoying with your baby talk.
BRUCE: …Excuse me?
FAULKNER: You’re always blabbing on about your pregnant wife and how she has a baby and it’s SOOO ANNOYING…
BRUCE: I’ve mentioned my baby like, twice!
FAULKNER: They were two HORRIBLY annoying times, you crack in the ground.
BRUCE: How was that-crack in the ground?
FAULKNER: It’s a new insult, you wouldn’t understand.
BRUCE: So what, you’re just making up insults now?
FAULKNER: I got a couple, you keyhole.
FAULKNER:Yeah it’s a variation of asshole, you know it’s a-how did we get on this subject?? YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT YOUR BABY HERE!
BRUCE: I don’t see what the big deal is. I don’t talk about the baby that often, and the last time I did, YOU asked me about it!
FAULKNER: Yeah but…but…s**t…I WANT A BABY! (Starts crying)
BRUCE: Oh, Jesus Christ…
FAULKNER: I’VE WANTED A BABY ALL MY LIFE BUT I NEVER FOUND ANYONE!
BRUCE: Please, you’re making a scene…
FAULKNER: AND NOW I’M OLD AND LONELY!
BRUCE: This is just…terrible.
(Cut to Faulkner and Bruce in the diner. Faulkner has calmed down a little bit.)
FAULKNER: I am so…(sniff)…lonesome in my studio apartment every night…
BRUCE: You know what, Faulkner. It’s not too late.
FAULKNER: For what?
BRUCE: For you to find the girl of your dreams. I know a girl you might like. She’s my wife’s aunt, she’s 62.
FAULKNER: (Rubs his eyes) Ooh. Younger woman..
BRUCE: Younger woman? Hold are you?
FAULKNER: I was born the day Roswell happened, you do the math.
BRUCE: Okay, well her name is Janie.
FAULKNER: Really? I knew a Janie once. The year was 1967.
BRUCE: Oh, god.A flashback.
(Cut to a 20-year old Faulkner on a street in Los Angeles in the year 1967. There are 1960’s cars, 1960’s people and Faulkner is in a suit and bowtie reading a headline on the Los Angeles Times
that says “MLK DENOUNCES VIETNAM”)
FAULKNER OVERVOICE: It was either late March or early April, and I was just rejected from Los Angeles University. This made me realize I had to find a job to support myself, and I had an interview
YOUNG FAULKNER: That Martin Luther King needs to watch his ass. He already got segregation banned, he doesn’t want to push his luck.
FAULKNER OVERVOICE: My interview was with a start-up microwave company and I was interested in the project. But then, she bumped into me.
(A beautiful woman walks by and waves to someone, causing her to bump into Faulkner, making him drop the cigarette he got out.)
WOMAN: Ooh! My goodness, I’m sorry sir.
(Faulkner picks up the cigarette and throws it away. He turns towards her.)
YOUNG FAULKNER: It’s alright I have another nineteen.
WOMAN: Yes, you do.
(Faulkner takes one out and puts it in his mouth and lights it.)
YOUNG FAULKNER: Do you want one?
WOMAN: Why, yes. Thank you.
(He gets one out and puts it in her mouth and Faulkner lights it.)
WOMAN: Why thank you.
YOUNG FAULKNER: You’re quite welcome. What’s your name?
WOMAN: Janie. I work at the California Science Center.
YOUNG FAULKNER: Really-
(Cut back to Faulkner and Bruce at Amelio’s in 2010.)
BRUCE: Wait a minute, what?
FAULKNER: Yeah, she worked at the California Science Center.
BRUCE: Oh my god. Is her last name Pierson?
BRUCE: Faulkner. The girl I’m setting you up with is JANIE PIERSON.
(Faulkner stares amazed.)
(Cut to Faulkner in a suit and bowtie at a nice restaurant waiting for Janie.)
FAULKNER: I hope this is actually Janie Pierson.
(Bruce runs over to him.)
BRUCE: Faulkner, she just called me, she said there’s traffic and she’ll be a little late.
BRUCE: Don’t worry though. So you never told me, what did you two do after you met?
FAULKNER: Well, I seduced her and I skipped out on the job interview with Atlantic Microwave and we went home and had sex, and she left the next morning and I never saw her again.
BRUCE: Oh. Okay well I’m sure she’ll remember you.
FAULKNER: Yeah I know, get lost. She could be her any minute.
(Bruce runs out of sight. A 62-year old Janie comes in and sits down.)
(They shake hands.)
FAULKNER: How long has it been?Thirty-five years?
FAULKNER: Wow, even more. Great to see you.
JANIE: Great to see you too.
FAULKNER: So, how’s your job at the California Science Center?
JANIE: Uh…I don’t work there anymore Faulkner. That was 1967.
FAULKNER: Agh, of course. Sorry. Well what are you doing now?
JANIE: I’m retired, but I use to be a model.
FAULKNER: Aw, you’re kidding.
JANIE: Nope. I was a model from ’68 to about 1984. After that, I had enough money to retire, although I did do some commercials throughout the late 80’s and the 90’s.
FAULKNER: I see. So I guess if I would’ve stayed with you, I would be a very wealthy man.
JANE: (Giggles) Yes, I suppose. I had a couple of romantic affairs, and an engagement or two, but never a marriage.
(They stare at each other intensely.)
FAULKNER: Do you want to get married?
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