“Like a little child he plays a game, the rage in his mind has no name. The smell of death is all he craves,
a mental picture is all he saves. So beware in all the things you do, lest evil might come looking for you”
(We start with George Dompka on a cruise ship’s deck, looking out upon the vast sea)
GEORGE’S VOICEOVER: I could not believe the mistake I had made. The one thing I couldn’t have anticipated. I made sure every component of the ship’s navigation system would fail. I made sure our path would collide directly with the few remaining icebergs in the Atlantic Ocean. I took out an insurance policy on the RMS Poltroon. All I had to do was watch the ship collide and sink into the aquatic depths of the sea while I release a statement expressing my condolences and then reap the benefits of the insurance policy. How was I able to make the mistake of boarding the boat? Now I’m on a collision course with doom.
(Ryan walks over and looks out upon the vast sea right next to George, making George tense up)
RYAN: How are you?
GEORGE: I’m great, not a care in the world.
RYAN: Cool. I’m Ryan by the way.
GEORGE: I did not know that.
RYAN: Well…yeah, because we’ve never met before.
GEORGE: Exactly! Bull’s eye! Right on the money, kiddo.
(Ryan looks at George strangely)
RYAN: What is your name?
GEORGE: Lionel Berry…more.
RYAN: Cool. Why are you acting so weird?
GEORGE: I think I’m going to use the latrine or something…
(George walks away. Ryan rolls his eyes and looks out on the vast sea)
RYAN’S VOICEOVER: It’s been five days since the incident. Another birthday ruined. I’m an adult now, but I certainly don’t feel like one. Drugs, depression and insecurity still apply to maritime law. I wish Sarah was here with me. Everything would be better. But my parents said this would take all our minds off of everything, as if they hadn’t been planning this cruise for a month. And-
(Some guy walks over and looks out on the vast sea as well)
SOME GUY’S VOICEOVER: My parents don’t understand I’m getting a fresh start.
RYAN’S VOICEOVER: Whoa, I can’t think with this guy’s inner monologue fucking up my signal.
SOME GUY’S VOICEOVER: This guy over here thinks he’s the only one who can be introspective? I’ll show him a thing or eight.
RYAN’S VOICEOVER: I’m going to analyze the fuck out of myself in half the time this asshole takes to.
(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly sitting in a restaurant on board. They are both dressed to the hilt and Ethan is pouring red wine into Kimberly’s wine glass)
ETHAN: For my lady.
KIMBERLY: Thank you.
(Ethan finishes pouring and pours some into his wine glass, he puts it down and they raise their glasses)
ETHAN: To partying like it’s 1912!
KIMBERLY: That’s comforting. (Ethan and Kimberly smile and clink glasses) Want to go down to steerage later to listen to the Irish immigrants croon folk songs about County Cork?
ETHAN: I’d rather go down there to look for that son of a bitch leaker Edward Snowden just in case he’s a stowaway.
KIMBERLY: I doubt a hacker is going to want to stow away on a cruise ship, they don’t serve Monsters here and there aren’t LAN parties.
ETHAN: I think he has bigger concerns right now. Like sharing a prison cell with Daniel Ellsberg.
KIMBERLY: Ellsberg never went to jail.
KIMBERLY: What is wrong with what Edward Snowden did?! Aren’t you more concerned by the fact that the government has access to all your phone records, e-mails and sundry other communications?
ETHAN: Don’t be dramatic, they can’t look at that shit without approval by the FISA Court.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, and the FISA Court is easy! Just a few drinks, a wink and a smile and down goes the fourth amendment skirt. They say yes to everything! They have literally rejected NONE of the NSA’s applications!
ETHAN: Yeah, well, I’m not calling terrorists, are you?
KIMBERLY: That’s not the point! They can get approval to look at where and when you made calls, for how long and to who!
ETHAN: So it’s a big deal if the government knows I called my old High School friend Tom yesterday?
KIMBERLY: What? No-
ETHAN: I called Tom, Tom and I reminisced, Tom and I talked about times at Lake Champlain skipping rocks with Tom and singing songs with Tom, is it so bad that the Government knows I did that with Tom?
KIMBERLY: Stop saying Tom! This is not about your specific situation! The Bill of Rights says we have the right to be secure in our “persons, houses, papers and effects” against “unreasonable search and seizure”, wouldn’t you agree that this PRISM program violates that?
ETHAN: Kim, these are not persons, houses, papers or whatever the hell effects are, these are phone calls. They didn’t have phones in the 18th century.
KIMBERLY: They didn’t have assault weapons either.
ETHAN: Don’t you dare.
KIMBERLY: All I’m saying is that this PRISM program is one big catastrophe. Meanwhile, the government is building a massive surveillance center and casino in Utah where they can precisely track our every thought, mood and word, all while playing slots! It’s a police state! This is a police state now. Maybe it’s good we’re in international waters, where we’re free of all of Obama’s hyper-surveillance bullshit.
ETHAN: Well, Eddy Snowden’s in Hong Kong now, being hailed as a half-beard hero, 29 and on the line, “pentagon papers were for pussies”, “let’s go to PRISM” Adonis, but I say no! I say we don’t need no Eddy Snowden! We don’t need to know about phone control!
KIMBERLY: Please stop.
ETHAN: Sorry. But all I’m saying is Eddy Snowden’s a traitor.
KIMBERLY: He’s a hero! He should wear a cape that says “hero”! He’s the most badass IT guy since that one I had who taught me how to color code in Excel.
ETHAN: If this were just after 9/11, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation!
KIMBERLY: The day after 9/11 you littered our lawn with ADT security signs and like, twenty security cameras, a lot of which were actually just filming other security cameras, and then you also hid us in the closet for five minutes before you got bored of walking around the house with a shotgun like the guard at the tomb of the unknown soldier and you went back to watching reruns of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” to get your mind off of everything. Do you really think that’s something you were planning on doing for the next twelve years?
ETHAN: Watching “Millionaire”? Of course, I love the Regis.
(The plates and silverware on the table start to slide, along with the ship, to the right)
ETHAN: It’s alright.
(Everything levels out)
KIMBERLY: God, I hate that.
ETHAN: It’s fine, Kimmy. This is normal.
KIMBERLY: This is why I was ambivalent about a cruise.
ETHAN: Kimmy, it’s okay! We’re having fun, we’re having a good time.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, but now a fat guy with a Hawaiian shirt and crocs is waddling through here and ruining the style of this place-(Said fat guy with Hawaiian shirt and crocs waddles by carrying a tray of food) I mean, look at that! This is supposed to be classy-(He’s off screen at this point) and he’s ruining it!
ETHAN: It’s fine. Let’s eat our dinner and then we’ll go find Jacob, Ryan and Madeline, okay?
ETHAN: Good. Did we order anything?
KIMBERLY: I don’t think so.
(Cut to Ryan lying on the bed in the Donahues cabin room on the ship. Jacob walks in)
JACOB: Oh come on, this is pathetic. Even on a goddamned cruise ship you sulk like a silk worm.
RYAN: I’m fine. This is how I relax.
JACOB: By staring at the ceiling? There’s a whole plastic and piss-filled ocean for you to stare at out there! Get off your ass and own it.
RYAN: I don’t own these waters! (Ryan sits up) The international community does! And that’s not a community I’ve ever been a part of, hell, I’ve never been a part of any community, the only community I’ve ever been a part of is pushing me OUT!
JACOB: Is this about Thursday? I’m sure your girlfriend or any of your friends don’t think less of you for it.
RYAN: It’s not Sarah I’m worried about. I’ve already alienated Brennan and I haven’t gotten a text from any of my other friends since I boarded this cruise.
JACOB: That was only an hour ago, Ryan, just go out there and have fun! Forget about all this!
RYAN: Don’t you miss Jordan?
JACOB: Of course. But I’m not sulking like a-
RYAN: Silk worm.
JACOB: Exactly, like a silk worm!
RYAN: Fine, I’ll go enjoy myself.
(Ryan gets up and walks out of the room. Cut to Ryan staring at the vast sea)
UNKNOWN VOICE: Ryan?
(Ryan turns around to see Mr. Pannell in cargo shorts and a Tommy Bahama shirt)
RYAN: Mr. Pannell?
MR. PANNELL: Ryan, I didn’t know you were on this cruise.
RYAN: Sir, I especially didn’t know you were on this cruise. (Ryan walks closer and shakes Mr. Pannell’s hand) How are you doing?
(The handshake ends)
MR. PANNELL: I’m doing well. I decided to take to hurt what you said about me being a monk. So I became a monk.
RYAN: I don’t know if that was my intention.
MR. PANNELL: I became a monk whose monastery is on this cruise ship and whose bible is printed on the bottom side of a limbo stick.
RYAN: So essentially, you took my latent advice that you should get out more?
MR. PANNELL: Yes. Although, (Mr. Pannell takes out a limbo stick and shows the bottom side of it has text printed) I do have that biblical limbo stick for real. I call it the biblimbo stick.
(Madeline walks over)
MADELINE: Hi, Ryan.
RYAN: Oh, hi Maddie. Mr. Pannell, this is my sister Madeline, Madeline, this is my History and for a time, English teacher from junior year, Mr. Pannell.
MR. PANNELL: Nice to meet you.
(Mr. Pannell and Madeline shake hands, eventually, the handshake ends)
MADELINE: I’m trying to talk like those people from Titanic.
RYAN: Why would you want to talk like the ship is going to sink?
WOMAN’S VOICE: Maybe because it is.
(Pan to Kathy Bates standing on the deck with them)
RYAN: Kathy Bates?
KATHY BATES: Kathy Bates! That’s me.
MADELINE: Wow, to be on a cruise ship with Tony nominated, SAGA, Oscar and Golden Globe winning actress Kathy Bates?!
RYAN: Why do you have a biographical knowledge of her awards?
MR. PANNELL: What are you doing on this cruise, Ms. Bates?
KATHY BATES: Just, enjoying the sights and sounds of a cruise, just like you people.
MADELINE: But you said something about how this cruise might sink.
KATHY BATES: Did I?
KATHY BATES: Your point?
MADELINE: What did you mean by that?
KATHY BATES: Oh nothing, I’ve just noticed some activity that some might consider…suspish.
RYAN: With all due respect, Ms. Bates, we might take you more seriously if you don’t abbreviate your words.
KATHY BATES: Fine, live in a pineapple under the sea, see if I care. My heart will go on, you pricks.
(Kathy Bates walks away, leaving the three of them confused)
MR. PANNELL: Well anyway, I’ll get back to the festivities inside.
RYAN: I should check out said festivities.
(Mr. Pannell walks inside and Ryan and Madeline follow him. Cut to the ball room inside the cruise ship. There is a stage with curtains and there is a spin table on stage and people are congregated on the dance floor as Mr. Pannell, Ryan and Madeline walk in to see Ethan, Kimberly and Jacob)
ETHAN: Hey you guys! You got here just in time, the party captain’s about to play some dance music. Sorry, are you Ryan’s history teacher?
MR. PANNELL: I was, yes, I’m Mr. Pannell.
(Ethan and Mr. Pannell shake hands and the hand shake hands)
ETHAN: Nice to see you again.
(Mr. Pannell shakes Kimberly’s hand)
(The handshake ends)
MR. PANNELL: Well, I should get back to my wife. Bye!
(Mr. Pannell walks over to his wife)
RYAN: He’s awesome. Anyway, what’s happening?
JACOB: Party captain’s about to come out, come on, LISTEN!
(A man in a long blue maritime jacket, a captain’s hat and a white beard comes out from behind the curtains and goes on stage to applause and cheers. He appears to be drunk)
CAPTAIN: HELLO! I am Captain Jack Studebaker, this is your captain speaking, WOO! We’re going to get everything started up here starting with music! I am going to play-hold on one second.
(Captain Studebaker goes behind the curtains)
JACOB: He’s so schwasted.
ETHAN: Thank God he’s not the real captain.
(Ethan, Kimberly, Jacob, Ryan and Madeline laugh and then the ship makes a major shift, making various things slide leftward, then everything levels out. Captain Studebaker comes out from behind the curtain)
CAPTAIN STUDEBAKER: It’s all good! I just had to make a minor adjustment! (Hiccup) Anyway, who’s ready for 1980s Japanese musac?
ETHAN: Holy shit, I think he might be the real captain.
KIMBERLY: There’s no way, he’s drunk! Plus, they never have the real captain handle the music.
RYAN: He certainly looks like a captain.
MADELINE: I do not want a drunk captain.
JACOB: How about we consider the fact that during this conversation, he’s fallen asleep?
(Cut to him asleep on stage)
ETHAN: Let’s go backstage and see if the control panel for the ship is really there.
KIMBERLY: I’ll come with, you three stay here, this could get ugly.
ETHAN: No, you stay here too, Kim. The less, the better for this kind of top-secret operation.
(Ethan walks up the stairs onto the stage where the captain is sleeping)
PERSON IN CROWD: Are you our new fun captain?!
PERSON IN CROWD: He’s not very fun.
CAPTAIN STUDEBAKER: (Mumbling) Edward Smith, arrogant son of a bitch…
(Ethan opens the curtains and walks on back to see the control panel and wheel. Ethan stands there, stunned. He then walks back on stage)
ETHAN: THIS GUY’S THE REAL CAPTAIN!
(Everybody gasps. Kathy Bates walks out from behind the curtains)
KATHY BATES: Of course he is. He’s also a drunken mess. Look at him!
KIMBERLY: God, somebody wake him up!
ETHAN: He’s drunk! He wouldn’t be a good captain anyway. We need to find a second officer.
(The second officer walks in)
SECOND OFFICER: Second in command here! What do you want?
ETHAN: Thank God you’re here!
(George Dompka walks on stage)
(Ethan looks over towards him)
ETHAN: Jesus, George Dompka?!
GEORGE: This second officer won’t help you, he’s been cursed with a severe inferiority complex.
ETHAN: What are you doing here George and how is that relevant?
SECOND OFFICER: People only call on me when the Captain is drunk off his ass, I’m not useful any other time! “Oh, please, Second Officer Dominguez! Help us! Help us!” well I say NO!
ETHAN: Are you serious?! The ship doesn’t have a captain!
SECOND OFFICER DOMINGUEZ: Sorry, what have you ever done for me?
ETHAN: I JUST met you!
SECOND OFFICER DOMINGUEZ: And already you haven’t done anything for me!
ETHAN: Sir, there is an asleep ship captain-sorry, what is Kathy Bates doing here?
KATHY BATES: I am trying to save all your lives. Sorry about that!
ETHAN: Officer Dominguez, are you willing to drive the ship to safety?
(Dominguez thinks hard)
ETHAN: WHY THE FUCK NOT?!
GEORGE: Forget it, Ethan. He’s too neurotic to be a captain anyway.
ETHAN: You, you craven bastard!
DOMINGUEZ: Sorry, I’m going back to my quarters.
(Dominguez walks out of the room as Ethan turns around)
ETHAN: What the hell is going on?! George, tell me, you seem to know.
GEORGE: All I know is that the captain is drunk, the second officer is a neurotic asshole and our ship is on a collision course with doom.
(The audience gasps)
ETHAN: What do you mean?! Why are you even on this cruise?!
GEORGE: We should speak in private, Ethan.
(Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Ryan, Jacob, Madeline and George sitting around the table in the Donahues’ cabin)
ETHAN: What the HELL’S going on here, George?!
GEORGE: Okay, before I say this, I want you guys to reserve judgment.
ETHAN: Just say it.
GEORGE: Okay, so after you were audited Ethan, the IRS took the money you donated AWAY from me. I was livid, so I contacted some people that hate you and your family that are currently in jail. George Zimmerman, Dirk’s Warriors, people like that. So here’s what went down. About three days ago-
(Flashback to May 28, 2013. George Zimmerman, who is in an orange jumpsuit, is sitting behind the glass at a prisoner’s visitation phone center thing at the Northern State Correctional Facility in Newport, Vermont. He is holding the phone to his ear while George Dompka is sitting on the other side, talking to him through the phone)
ZIMMERMAN: Who are you?
DOMPKA: I’m George Dompka and I despise Ethan Donahue as much as you do.
ZIMMERMAN: That’s weird, because I’ve been staying at the old black cock hotel for FOUR months now and you seem pretty fucking free. If the Judge hadn’t ignored my plea deal, I would be out by July 18th.
DOMPKA: Well, Ethan and his son tossed me into a ditch back in November 2011 because they thought I was DEAD.
ZIMMERMAN: …Jesus. Why’d they think that?
DOMPKA: I was drunkenly sleeping on the side of the road and they thought they hit me with their car. And so Ethan donated to a charity I set up in December of that same year, but the IRS took that money away yesterday because it turns out my charitable organization wasn’t REALLY a charitable organization. At all, but still, I am PISSED at Ethan for not supplementing the money the IRS took from me, I came to his son’s graduation party and DEMANDED my money, but he slammed the door in my face. I came back later, but they were having dinner so I didn’t want to disturb them. Anyway, now I’m looking for retribution. You are associated with Dirk’s Warriors, correct?
ZIMMERMAN: Tangentially, yes.
DOMPKA: Okay, where are they imprisoned?
ZIMMERMAN: Woodside Juvy up in Essex. That’s a tough joint. Between the Brony gang and the Team Edward gang, those kids get vicious.
DOMPKA: Well, regardless, doesn’t the dad of one of their former members, Jim Cornish, work at Royal Caribbean cruises?
ZIMMERMAN: I think so, why?
DOMPKA: Well, Jim Cornish is dead, correct?
ZIMMERMAN: Yeah, he’s been dead for a year.
DOMPKA: But his dad is still alive!
DOMPKA: Now who shot and killed Jim Cornish?
ZIMMERMAN: Brennan Sanford.
DOMPKA: Now he claims it was in self-defense!
ZIMMERMAN: And every single bit of evidence back that up.
(Dompka slaps the glass)
ZIMMERMAN: What the hell was that?!
DOMPKA: I was going to try to slap you in the face, but I forgot there was glass there.
ZIMMERMAN: Why were you going to slap me anyway?!
DOMPKA: Because Jim Cornish’s dad doesn’t CARE that it was in self-defense!
ZIMMERMAN: Oh my God, get to the point! I’m waiting for the big reveal here, Mr. Seacrest!
DOMPKA: Essentially, I want to have Jim Cornish’s dad Matthew Cornish change the route of this cruise that the Donahues are going on, to where it crashes into one of the few remaining icebergs in the Atlantic Ocean and sinks, so I can reap the benefits of the insurance policy that I purchased on it an hour ago.
ZIMMERMAN: Holy shit, that’s pure, unadulterated evil. Why would Matthew Cornish be on board with that?!
DOMPKA: Because he’s bloodthirsty to avenge his son’s death!
ZIMMERMAN: Is Brennan Sanford going to be on the cruise?
DOMPKA: No, but his best friend is! Close enough for revenge work, I say!
ZIMMERMAN: It’s a stretch. How did you get the money to purchase an insurance policy on the cruise ship?
DOMPKA: I made some quick cash when I bought this CiCi’s building a few months ago and turned it into a vacation store.
ZIMMERMAN: Well, this is a pretty fucked up plan. But I do disdain Ethan. So I will not stand in the way on one condition.
ZIMMERMAN: Make sure Kimberly makes it out alive.
DOMPKA: Women and children first.
ZIMMERMAN: No, KIMBERLY first.
DOMPKA: Your wish is my demand.
(Cut back. All the Donahues are stunned)
KIMBERLY: That is literally the NICEST thing you could call him.
ETHAN: Do you not have a…soul? Jesus, I WISH we would’ve run you over.
JACOB: Yeah, no kidding.
KIMBERLY: Wait, what do you mean?
GEORGE: Oh, has she not heard this story?
RYAN: What story?
ETHAN: I’ll tell you later. Right now, we have to focus. First off, why did you get on this cruise if you knew it was going to sink!?
GEORGE: That was my fatal mistake.
RYAN: NO SHIT! Why are you smiling?!
(George’s smile turns into a frown)
GEORGE: I don’t know, I’m going to die now.
JACOB: Sorry, are we gonna die?
ETHAN: Not if I have anything to do with it.
GEORGE: Of course, and I’ll help you prevent this ship from crashing.
ETHAN: Why the FUCK would I want your help? Why the FUCK would I even try to help you survive?!
GEORGE: Listen, I am a VERY important man! Forbes Magazine named me the most Duplicitous Man of 2012! I own a single share of Pets.com! My distant, 22-year old girlfriend has kids she wants me to feed!
ETHAN: None of this is convincing!
GEORGE: Okay, how about this? If you help me, I will split the benefits of the insurance policy, fivey-fivey.
KIMBERLY: Absolutely not! I will not benefit from the deaths of 2,000 people!
GEORGE: This is a Royal Caribbean, it’s more like 1500.
(Kathy Bates walks up to the table)
KATHY BATES: That’s despicable!
MADELINE: Where did you come from?!
KATHY BATES: How about we split it, tree ways?
ETHAN: No! I am not taking part in this!
GEORGE: Fine, Kathy and I will split it. But I have the power to just let this cruise sink. So you’re going to need me if you want to survive.
RYAN: …Oh my God. I feel sick.
ETHAN: Fine, we’ll cooperate with you, you cretin. For now. But you have to tell us what the first step is.
GEORGE: Well, I told Matthew Cornish Brennan was on this cruise and he believed me, and I gave him the updated coordinates. Those are in the Captain’s lodge, let’s go!
(They all get up and start funneling out of the cabin. Cut to the hallway, once they’re all out there, Kathy Bates closes the door)
RYAN: Should we come with you?
ETHAN: Yes, we’re going to need some help.
RYAN: With what?
(Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Ryan, Kimberly, Madeline, George and Kathy Bates surrounding the captain. They’re all kicking him lightly and telling him to wake up)
ETHAN: HEY! ASSHOLE! WAKE UP!
RYAN: Rise and shine, Captain Morgan! Get that leg up!
MADELINE: Goddamn, what kind of booze did he drink?
JACOB: Maybe it was an Everclear, absinthe and rubbing alcohol cocktail, God, I have some stories.
ETHAN: Why would they let an alcoholic captain this cruise anyway?
GEORGE: Oh, I made him an alcoholic.
ETHAN: You’re a monster.
GEORGE: I’m a monster? What about that girl who filmed herself berating that Dunkin’ Donuts employee for not providing a receipt, calling her a “sand nigger” and a “bitch”?
ETHAN: Yeah, she’s a reptilian thunder cunt, but your intention was to be responsible for the deaths of a thousand people, so, it’s not REALLY comparable.
GEORGE: Yeah, that employee was a cunt. Anyway-
GEORGE: Don’t interrupt me. Anyway-
ETHAN: You wanted to kill me and my family, I’ll interrupt you as much as I want-
KIMBERLY: Do we have time for this!?
GEORGE: NO! I’ll go get the coordinates with Kathy so we can chart a new course forward. Ethan and Kimberly, you wake up the Captain and Ryan, Jacob and Madeline, you guys keep the passengers entertained, the last thing we need is panic.
RYAN: Got it. (Ethan and Kimberly carry the Captain off stage. Ryan, Madeline and Jacob turn around to face the crowd. Ryan takes the microphone) Excuse me, passengers, of Royal Caribbean liner 2272 RMS Poltroon, everything is fine. Second officer Dominguez is taking over the ship after Captain Studebaker…retired, suddenly, in the middle of the cruise. So we’re just going to keep the party going. I’m in a band, actually, so…I’m not sure why I mentioned that because I don’t have any of my band members here so it’s a really kind of useless bit of information. Um…
MR. PANNELL: ARE WE GONNA DIE?
(The rest of the crowd verbally expresses their agreement with the question)
RYAN: Of course not, of course not, Mr. Pannell. Second Officer Dominguez has got everything under control-
(Second Officer Dominguez comes on stage wearing pajamas and holding a nightlight)
SECOND OFFICER DOMINGUEZ: Is there a place I can plug in my night light?
(The crowd gasps)
RYAN: It’s not night, sir! Also, you’re a grown man!
JACOB: Who is currently piloting the ship!
MR. PANNELL: NO HE’S NOT! HE’S ABOUT GO TO SLEEP JUST LIKE STUDEBAKER!
SECOND OFFICER DOMINGUEZ: I’m going back to bed, all of you guys clearly think you’re better than me.
(He walks off stage)
RYAN: Nobody panic!
CROWD MEMBER: EVERYBODY PICNIC!
(Everyone runs around, screaming and panicking)
MADELINE: He said “everybody picnic”!
RYAN: It didn’t really matter what he said, they were going to panic anyway.
(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly in the Captain’s quarters. Captain Studebaker is tied to a chair, still asleep)
KIMBERLY: He is a heavy sleeper.
ETHAN: Maybe he needs more alcohol.
KIMBERLY: I don’t think so.
ETHAN: Rub your boobs in his face.
KIMBERLY: That could work.
(Kimberly rubs her boobs in his face, for a little while, then steps back and he’s still asleep)
KIMBERLY: Alright, so he’s gay.
ETHAN: Screw this!
(Ethan slaps him straight across the face and he wakes up)
CAPTAIN STUDEBAKER: What-wha?!
ETHAN: We kicked you twenty times and all it took was a slap?!
CAPTAIN STUDEBAKER: Have you commandeered my ship?!
ETHAN: From who?! You drunkenly fell asleep and now the ship is on a crash collision with an iceberg!
CAPTAIN STUDEBAKER: I did feel like that change in the coordinates was a little but unconventional. But I thought it was unconventional in a good way, like a new twist on an old classic.
KIMBERLY: It’s going to KILL us! It’s a new twist on the Titanic!
ETHAN: It’s up to you to veer us in the right direction. Some sociopath tried to gyp the route so he could benefit from an insurance policy, but then he somehow accidentally boarded the boat and now wants the boat not to sink. Which is good, because I chose Royal Caribbean because I didn’t want my hallways to be flooded with piss, but now I don’t want my hallways flooded with salt water and Bin Laden’s corpse.
CAPTAIN STUDEBAKER: So why am I tied up?
KIMBERLY: …I’m actually not sure, untie him, Vladimir.
KIMBERLY: Sorry, I thought we had our macho Russian minion tie him up.
ETHAN: Oh, okay. (Ethan unties Captain Studebaker and he stands up but stumbles and Ethan catches him) Oh yeah, you’re still drunk.
CAPTAIN STUDEBAKER: You are SO GOOD!
KIMBERLY: How about we get him seven leagues of coffee?
KIMBERLY: Isn’t that the unit of measurement on the sea?
ETHAN: That’s a measure of distance, plus, it would take a shit load of coffee to sober him up.
(Pan to a driver’s ed teacher standing in the corner)
DRIVER’S ED TEACHER: Well actually, coffee doesn’t make someone sober, you see-
ETHAN AND KIMBERLY: SHUT UP, DRIVER’S ED GUY!
KIMBERLY: Where did he even come from?!
(Cut to George and Kathy Bates sitting at the control panel, looking at the coordinates on paper)
GEORGE: Wow, paper coordinates. How quaint.
KATHY BATES: Indeed. Anyway, it seems like the icebergs are here, so we should go, in the opposite direction.
GEORGE: But we don’t know how to do that.
KATHY BATES: Because we’re not trained ship captains.
GEORGE: Well I mean, I took outdoor ed in high school.
KATHY BATES: Really?
GEORGE: Yeah, so we went fishing once or twice and I would catch Marlin in my net like a fiend.
KATHY BATES: Would you do it shirtless?
GEORGE: Yes, actually. A lot of the marlin just jumped out into my net due to the mystical allure of my bare chest.
KATHY BATES: My, my…I bet you got all the fish in high school.
GEORGE: I did fuck a lot of freshmen…
KATHY BATES: KISS ME!
(George and Kathy Bates start making out. Then Ethan, Kimberly and Captain Studebaker walk in)
ETHAN: OH MY GOD!
(They stop making out and look at them)
KIMBERLY: Jesus, why now?!
GEORGE: We don’t know how to fly this ship!
KATHY BATES: It’s the fall of Rome, baby!
ETHAN: Kathy, he’s a horrible human being.
KATHY BATES: I like bad boys.
CAPTAIN STUDEBAKER: Come on, I have a ship to drive! (Cut to Captain Studebaker tied up on a chair in front of the control panel with Ethan, George, Kathy Bates and Kimberly standing behind him) GODDAMNIT! Untie me!
ETHAN: Oh, sorry.
(Ethan unties him and he takes control of the panel)
CAPTAIN STUDEBAKER: Alright, if we want to avoid the iceberg, we have to think like an iceberg. Maybe an iceberg would charge everyone on board to use the life boats, those GREEDY icebergs…
KIMBERLY: My God, he thinks icebergs are a Jewish family.
ETHAN: Is he still drunk?
KATHY BATES: Obviously.
ETHAN: We made him drink a shitload of coffee!
KATHY BATES: So I guess he’ll shit himself whether we hit the iceberg or not.
(Ryan peaks his head from the curtains)
RYAN: Hey, just a heads-up, the natives are getting restless out here. They’re rioting, looting and all manner of hooliganisms.
(Mr. Pannell peaks his head in)
MR. PANNELL: Hey, is everything all right back here?
(Captain Studebaker passes out)
ETHAN: FUCK! He’s useless!
KIMBERLY: Is there some experienced with operating a maritime vehicle on board?
RYAN: Well, Mr. Pannell owns a jet ski.
MR. PANNELL: I’ve also driven motor boats before, sail boats and yachts, but never a cruise ship.
ETHAN: STILL THOUGH! You’re our only preposterously slim hope! And if movies have taught me anything, those always save the day!
(Mr. Pannell walks in)
MR. PANNELL: Alright. I will try my utmost. With Christ’s legs on my shoulders, facing the sky.
RYAN: God, what are you doing with Christ?
(Mr. Pannell moves the Captain aside and sits down where he was)
MR. PANNELL: Check if he’s okay.
(Ethan feels his pulse)
ETHAN: He’s fine. But I’ll put him on his side so he doesn’t have a Jimi Hendrix experience.
(Ethan puts the Captain on his side. Cut to Ryan, Jacob and Madeline looking out at the sea, while people run wild in the background)
RYAN: So, this will either be my second near-death experience within a matter of five days, or it will be an actual-death experience.
JACOB: Does death scare you?
RYAN: Not really. I think it’d be peaceful.
JACOB: It scares the shit out of me.
MADELINE: The imagination can run wild.
JACOB: Does death bring you to a waiting room with no magazines, where you have to wait for, upwards of an hour? I mean, we just don’t know.
RYAN: There are a lot more frightening afterlife scenarios than that.
JACOB: Maybe death is just like your normal life, except KFC is out of Famous Bowls…forever.
MADELINE: How does death scare you if these are the worst things you can think of? For me, I just don’t think about death. I live my life and I don’t waste it fearing death. If today is the end of my days, then…fuck, that’s terrifying.
RYAN: You JUST said you don’t waste time fearing death!
MADELINE: THAT’S A LOT EASIER TO SAY THAT WHEN DEATH ISN’T IMMINENT!
RYAN: We’re going to be fine, Maddie.
(Madeline starts crying)
MADELINE: You don’t KNOW that!
(Ryan hugs Madeline and comforts her. Jacob starts crying too and holds onto Ryan and they collapse into a group hug. Ryan sheds only a single tear while comforting the two of them. Cut to Kimberly in the Captain’s room making a distress call)
KIMBERLY: This is Royal Caribbean liner 2272, do you read, Coast Guard? (White noise) This is Royal Caribbean line 2272, do you READ, Coast Guard?! (White noise) GODDAMNIT!
ETHAN: Maybe he speaks white noise!
KIMBERLY: Maybe he speaks the Coast Guard isn’t doing their JOB!
MR. PANNELL: We’re getting closer and closer to the iceberg area.
ETHAN: Jesus, turn!
MR. PANNELL: I’ll try. (Mr. Pannell turns the wheel to the right, but this causes the ship to start veering off to its side) AGH!
ETHAN: TURN IT BACK, TURN IT BACK!
(He turns the wheel back and the ship returns to normal)
KIMBERLY: Haven’t you driven a YACHT?!
MR. PANNELL: Yeah, but this boat has six engines, it’s an entirely different kind of boating, altogether.
KIMBERLY AND ETHAN: It’s an entirely different kind of boating.
ETHAN: HOLY SHIT!
(Ethan laughs, as does Kimberly)
KIMBERLY: That was AWESOME!
ETHAN: I can’t believe it, I’ve been waiting for that to happen for THIRTY-THREE YEARS and it did!
(Ethan and Kimberly high five each other)
ETHAN: I think my life’s work is done, I think I can die now. You can go, Mr. Pannell.
KIMBERLY: NO! Get ahold of yourself!
(Kimberly slaps Ethan)
KATHY BATES: ENOUGH AIRPLANE REFERENCES!
GEORGE: YEAH! I want to live!
ETHAN: Alright. Then Mr. Pannell here isn’t going to be of use.
(Cut to Ryan, Madeline and Jacob looking out at the sea still, not crying as much now)
RYAN: I’m glad if I’m going to die that I’m dying with you guys.
MADELINE: I agree. That is comforting.
RYAN: Wait a minute, what is that? (Cut to reveal a periscope coming out of the ocean and looking at them) It can’t be! (A submarine emerges slightly from the water and Walter Cardova emerges from one of its hatches. He makes a dolphin sound of “EEEH EEEH EEH”) WALTER! HELP US! WE NEED HELP!! OUR CAPTAIN IS DRUNK AND WE HAVE AN ICEBERG TO AVOID!
WALTER: Worry not! Bring me aboard and I will pilot the ship to safety!
RYAN: OKAY HOLD ON!
(Ryan runs away, while Madeline and Jacob stay there, confused)
JACOB: Who is this guy?
(Cut to Ryan running into the control room to see all of them holding hands in prayer)
RYAN: Hey guys! Stop worshipping a false deity and help me hoist a captain onto our ship!
(They all open their eyes and detach their hands from each other)
MR. PANNELL: What do you mean?
RYAN: Dad, remember Walter Cardova from that boat trip we took a month ago?
ETHAN: Yes, the one that squawked like a dolphin and jumped into the ocean with his wife and inexplicably boarded a submarine hasn’t been seen since?
RYAN: UNTIL NOW! He says he can save us!
KIMBERLY: Alright! Let’s bring him aboard!
RYAN: Come with me!
(They all run after Ryan. Ryan and the rest of them run to where Jacob and Madeline are and they look over the side to see Walter on the submarine with the submarine hatch open)
ETHAN: WALTER! HOW CAN WE BRING YOU ABOARD?
WALTER: That won’t be necessary.
ETHAN: WHAT DO YOU MEA-
(Some big Russian tough guy pushes all of them individually into the submarine’s hatch, making them all scream)
WALTER: Thanks, Vladimir!
VLADIMIR: (Russian accent) NO PROBLEM, BOSS!
(Walter jumps into the submarine and closes the hatch. Cut to inside the cramped submarine. Walter, Lisa, Ethan, Kimberly, Jacob, Ryan, Madeline, Kathy Bates, George and Mr. Pannell are all cramped in there)
ETHAN: WHAT THE FUCK?!
WALTER: Hey, I just saved all your asses, don’t complain.
RYAN: But what about women and children only? What about all those people on the boat that are now doomed?!
MR. PANNELL: WHAT ABOUT MY WIFE?!
(Mr. Pannell starts crying as Ryan pats him on the back)
GEORGE: You guys need to chill out. We’re alive, that’s all that matters.
ETHAN: Of course YOU think that. I just don’t know if I want to go down as the craven bastard who abandoned ship and let his fellow passengers die.
GEORGE: So all passengers dying is better than most passengers dying?
MADELINE: We abandoned women and children! Literally NONE of us are children!
WALTER: Look guys, an eel!
RYAN: Wow, not the time.
(Cut to First Officer Dominguez at the front of the boat, looking through his binoculars. His first mate is beside him)
FIRST OFFICER DOMINGUEZ: What the hell? (He puts down his binoculars and looks at the nautical map) According to this extra naughty nautical map, there should be an iceberg right here.
FIRST MATE: Huh. Must be an old map, with Global Warming and such.
FIRST OFFICER DOMINGUEZ: It was made this morning!
FIRST MATE: Wow. GLOBAL WARMING SAVED OUR LIVES!
(Everybody, including the passengers behind them cheer joyfully. Cut to Mayor Sarandon standing behind a podium on a stage in front of Lake Champlain, with Ethan, Kimberly, Ryan, Jacob, Madeline, Mr. Pannell, his wife, Walter, Lisa, Kathy Bates and Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson on stage with him)
MAYOR SARANDON: All these incredibly brave people took action to protect their fellow passengers during this grave crisis at sea. And I commend all of them for it. (Applause) But in the end, the work of people like Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson really saved the day. Thank you, Mr. Tillerson, for destroying those wretched glaciers.
TILLERSON: You are welcome!
(Light applause. Cut to Ryan talking to Mr. Pannell and his wife after the ceremony)
RYAN: Sorry for inspiring you to get out more.
MR. PANNELL: Ah, don’t worry about it. I have my wife still and that’s all that matters. However, I don’t think we’re ever going to do anything interesting ever again.
RYAN: Well, I wouldn’t go that far-
MRS. PANNELL: Oh no, we’re not. Patrick has a wasp’s nest in the garage he’ll need the whole summer to get rid of.
MR. PANNELL: I swear, that wasp’s nest is so advanced, I get WiFi around it.
(Cut to George Dompka in a jail cell with George Zimmerman)
ZIMMERMAN: So I heard your diabolical plan did not work out.
DOMPKA: Maybe next year.
ZIMMERMAN: What next year?! You’ll probably be in jail for the rest of your life!
DOMPKA: A psychopath can dream though…a psychopath can dream…
(Cut to Madeline in her room on the phone)
MADELINE: Yes, Oliver, I’m fine. Yes, there was an app to call for distress, it’s called a flare gun.
(Cut to Jacob on the phone)
JACOB: Of course, Jordan, I’m fine. No, I did not piss myself. Yes I would tell you if I did. Jordan, do you realize how useless that question is? Either I’m going to tell you or I’m not! But no, I didn’t piss myself.
(Pan down to see Jacob did piss himself. Cut to Kathy Bates talking to George Dompka on the phone and looking at him through the glass at the prison visitation room thing)
KATHY BATES: I was a police officer on King of The Hill once, George.
GEORGE: That’s not really your major role.
KATHY BATES: That’s true, I was also in the 1983 Romcom Two of a Kind, but the point is, I can’t be seen fraternizing with a prisoner like you.
GEORGE: But Kathy…you’re all I have!
KATHY BATES: I’m sorry, George. But you have to pay for what you did.
GEORGE: You said you’d split the benefits of the insurance policy, fivey-fivey!
KATHY BATES: Well, I didn’t know what that meant.
GEORGE: IT MEANS IN HALF!
KATHY BATES: Well, I would’ve preferred all of it.
GEORGE: Jesus, how am I in jail, but you’re not?! Your worst crime is breaking a man’s heart!
KATHY BATES: Goodbye, George.
(Kathy Bates walks away as George knocks on the glass and screams “NO” as guards hold him back. Cut to Ryan and Sarah making out on Ryan’s bed together. They stop for a second and look at each other)
SARAH: That really scared me, Ryan.
RYAN: I know. I promise I won’t almost die again for the rest of the summer.
SARAH: Could you maybe extend that promise to include the rest of your life?
RYAN: No, because the more I avoid near-death now, the more likely it is I’m going to approach actual death, so I’ve got to stack up the near deaths so as to delay my ultimate death, and trust me, my death will be ultimate.
SARAH: Stop talking.
(Sarah starts making out with Ryan again. Cut to the entire Donahue family sitting around a table, with Ethan and Jacob being the center of attention. They look somewhat ashamed)
ETHAN: So here’s how we met George Dompka-
(Cut to black)
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Script / Humor
Script / Humor
Script / Humor
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