“Looking at you secretly, to get just a glimpse of you. Feeling uneasy when you are not around,
and not finding words when you are”
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon watching television news in his office. Cut to Patrick White and Fiona Cadbury at the news desk, delivering the news)
PATRICK WHITE: (Simultaneously with Fiona) In Iran-
FIONA CADBURY: (Simultaneously with Patrick) In Syria- (They look at each other) no, you go ahead.
PATRICK: Thank you. (He looks at the camera) In Iran this week, they have elected a new President, Hassan Rouhani, to replace outgoing Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Observers say the difference between the two might be that President-elect Rouhani will shop at Al Hannah rather than President Ahmadinejad’s favorite clothing store, Banana Republic. Already, President Rouhani is deciding which undeniably true thing he wants to deny after Ahmadinejad’s denial of the Holocaust. Rumors of what he would choose went wild after he appointed Tupac Shakur as his Defense Minister.
FIONA: When we come back, is NSA leaker Edward Snowden a hero or a traitor? A paper or a plastic? A boxer or a brief? A to be or not to be? We will have the answer to that completely subjective and oversimplified question, when we come back.
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon watching)
MAYOR SARANDON: ETHAN!
(Cut to Ethan on the computer in his office. He stops typing and looks down)
ETHAN: Shit. (Ethan gets up and leaves his office and walks into Sarandon’s office) What?
MAYOR SARANDON: Would you care to knock?
ETHAN: You called me in here! Also, you weren’t doing anything bad!
MAYOR SARANDON: I’m not wearing shoes.
ETHAN: That’s kind of weird, but it’s not bad.
(Mayor Sarandon stands up)
MAYOR SARANDON: Have you been watching this whole, uh, you know, this, uh-
MAYOR SARANDON: This, uh, you know, the uh-what do you call it-
MAYOR SARANDON: This whole Edward Snowden NSA thing.
ETHAN: Yes, I have.
MAYOR SARANDON: Whether that guy goes to prison or not, he’s going to be revered by many, all for endangering national security by revealing that the government knows almost all of my phone calls last less than a minute.
ETHAN: Why do you have such short phone calls?
MAYOR SARANDON: Half of them are prank calls, the other half are calls to my ex-wife.
ETHAN: What about business calls?
MAYOR SARANDON: My only business calls are these. EVAN!
(Evan comes in)
EVAN: Yes sir?
MAYOR SARANDON: Get me a double vodka, please.
EVAN: Like, how, what is a double vodka?
MAYOR SARANDON: It’s like one of those seven-layer density things from science class, except there’s vodka on top, rubbing alcohol underneath, then water and dawn dish soap. Go.
EVAN: Yes sir.
MAYOR SARANDON: Business calls.
ETHAN: Got it. What did you want me in here for?
MAYOR SARANDON: This Eddy Snowden guy is going to be remembered eternally as a hero. But what about me? How am I going to be remembered?
ETHAN: I could name a couple ways, but you probably would not like any of them.
MAYOR SARANDON: Try me.
ETHAN: Well, for starters-
MAYOR SARANDON: Enough! I want you to help me write my memoirs.
ETHAN: Finally, you cut to the chase!
MAYOR SARANDON: This is very important to me.
ETHAN: Isn’t that sort of clerical work better suited for Evan, not the Chief Administrative Officer?
MAYOR SARANDON: You are ADMINISTERING my memoir writing, CHIEF.
ETHAN: Just because you used those two words in your description of what I will be doing doesn’t mean this is my responsibility.
MAYOR SARANDON: Sorry, officer. But look, Evan doesn’t know me as well as you do. You know what I have done for this city, and in a larger sense, for this…universe.
ETHAN: Wow, I really thought you were going to say state, what have you done for the universe?
MAYOR SARANDON: I was born straight. Now, please write my memoirs.
ETHAN: You said help write your memoirs, are you saying you want me to write the whole thing?
MAYOR SARANDON: I’m not a writer, Ethan! I’ve never written more than fifty words! Two paragraphs, twenty-five words a piece! Couldn’t do it! Threw my pencil at the teacher!
ETHAN: Brian, I don’t know everything about your life.
MAYOR SARANDON: If you have any questions, I’ll supplement the answer. But I want the memoir to be called…”I Am Not Related to Susan Sarandon, So Stop Asking!” or something clever like that. I don’t know, you don’t have to use that.
ETHAN: Good, I won’t-
MAYOR SARANDON: USE IT!
(Cut to Ryan, Sarah and Michael sitting in Ryan’s room, listening to Devil’s Niece)
RYAN: This is his new stuff, I don’t know if I like it that much. He’s so aware of his own style that he tries to do something different, but I don’t want different! I also don’t want the same! I want everything he’s already done, but new!
SARAH: You are the most annoying type of fan.
MICHAEL: So, is this party a sure thing?
RYAN: Hell yeah it is.
SARAH: But Ryan will only be smoking and drinking, right buddy?
RYAN: Yes, apparently X-head Ryan overdoes his cutting.
MICHAEL: Isn’t cutting at all overdoing it?
RYAN: In a perfect world, yes. By the way, Ross is coming with us.
MICHAEL: Isn’t he friends with your brother?
RYAN: Eh, they’re on rough terms right now. Not really mad at each other, just…distant.
MICHAEL: I see. That happens sometimes, with friends.
RYAN: It does, Brennan.
RYAN: I mean, Eric.
MICHAEL: Still wrong.
RYAN: Let’s just go party, okay Michelle!?
(Cut to Ryan driving his car. Sarah is in the front seat, Michael and Ross are in the back)
ROSS: So um, is there going to be…weed, at this party?
MICHAEL: HA! What kind of question is that?
SARAH: Ross has a mental block with weed, ever since his pot-induced panic attack six months ago.
RYAN: Ross, you thinking it’s going to happen again means it IS going to happen again, you have to stop thinking it’s going to happen again!
ROSS: But what if it does anyway?!
RYAN: Ross, second-hand smoke cannot get you high, it’s like, if Sarah started texting right now, would that be like texting and driving just because she’s next to me?
(Sarah holds up her phone)
SARAH: Hey Ryan, look at this picture of Vladimir Putin stealing Jimmy Hoffa’s wedding ring from his cold, dead body.
(Ryan looks at it, not paying attention to the road, and laughs)
(Ryan looks back at the road and slams on the brake. Cut to in front of his car. There is a police officer standing there, in front of the entrance to a road that is blocked off by cones, stoppers and signs reading “ROAD CLOSED”. The officer walks over to Ryan’s window and Ryan rolls down the window)
RYAN: Hi, officer.
OFFICER: Hey. This road’s closed, kid.
RYAN: Why is it closed? Have I not unlocked this level yet?
OFFICER: There was a major accident, a bus full of Freedom Riders who have been astray for fifty years crashed and turned on its side.
RYAN: Shit. How were they lost for fifty years?
OFFICER: Apparently they missed their exit in 1963, stopped to eat in 1978, but couldn’t get back onto the highway until ’94, and have been lost on a feeder road since 9/11.
RYAN: Well, I’m trying to get to 1248 DuPont Drive, Hansbay, Vermont, do you know where that is?
OFFICER: I do. I get called there all the time for noise complaints, sudden lack of noise complaints and of course, joys complaints.
RYAN: I see. So how do I get there?
OFFICER: I’d rather not say. You have a good day now.
RYAN: Yes sir. (Ryan turns around and goes the other way) Goddamnit, now how am I supposed to get to Harrison Strother’s house?
ROSS: Maybe we could just get something to eat and then go to this dude’s house.
MICHAEL: No, this guy is very particular about who he invites and he insists that you come on time.
SARAH: Maybe you should call Leif and he’ll tell you where it is.
RYAN: Good idea. But, I shouldn’t call him while driving. Here Sarah, you drive.
(Ryan starts to unbuckle his seat belt while Sarah puts her hands on the wheel)
ROSS: Oh my God, or Sarah could just call him!
RYAN: That’s a good point. (Ryan buckles his seat belt and Sarah takes her hands off the steering wheel and Ryan hands his phone to Sarah) His number is under Leif Wilson.
(Sarah calls Leif Wilson. Cut to Leif Wilson, a black, muscular twenty-year old with a backwards red cap and a purple muscle shirt on. He is standing in the midst of a wild party, there are people smoking weed and snorting coke off a coffee table in the background. A smashed TV is on the wall and people are dancing and talking while loud music plays. Leif’s phone goes off and he answers)
SARAH: (On the phone) Hey, Leif.
LEIF: WHOEVER THIS IS YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO SPEAK UP, GIRL!
SARAH: LEIF, THIS IS SARAH!
LEIF: SARAH BARBERA, WHAT UP, HONEY?
SARAH: YEAH, THE ROAD TO HARRISON’S HOUSE IS CLOSED, DO YOU KNOW ANY OTHER-
LEIF: (Speaking to someone else) HEY! HARRISON! THAT IS FLAMMABLE! DON’T EVEN TRY IT! (He laughs) ALRIGHT, GO AHEAD! (Back to Sarah) SORRY ABOUT THAT, SAR!
(A flame noise is heard and a shine casts upon Leif’s face)
SARAH: RIGHT, BUT WHAT’S ANOTHER WAY TO GET TO-
LEIF: I HAVE TO GO, A FIGHT JUST BROKE OUT BETWEEN HARRISON AND HIS OWN BROKEN ARM! PEACE!
(Leif hangs up, cut back to Sarah on the phone)
SARAH: LEIF? LEIF! Goddamnit. (She hands the phone back to Ryan) It was too loud in there, he hung up.
RYAN: Shit. How are we going to get there now?
SARAH: Ugh, I actually agree with Ross’ idea from earlier, we should go get something to eat real quick, Harrison will understand.
ROSS: If he’s still conscious when we get there.
RYAN: Fine, I’ll see if there’s a Tennessee Fried Chicken, a McClellan’s or a Taco Bueno somewhere.
MICHAEL: What are you talking about? We’re not on TV, you can use the real names of those places, KFC, McDonald’s and Taco Bell.
RYAN: Actually, Taco Bueno’s a real place.
RYAN: Yes, it is!
MICHAEL: There’s no,
RYAN: How are you-?
MICHAEL: There’s no way!
(Cut to Jacob sitting in the game room at the Donahue household, playing Call of Duty and wearing a headset)
JACOB: Flash bang, go! HA! Take that! What do you mean a flash bang can’t kill somebody? My Uncle was killed by a flash bang, you prick! Yeah, he was! What was his name? It was my uh, Uncle Stam-Stambler. Oh whatever, Dutch kid! Go back to bathing in chocolate or whatever! (Jacob takes off his head set and puts down his controller and turns off the TV. He then takes out his cell phone and calls Ross. Cut to Ross, Ryan, Michael and Sarah sitting at a booth in a “Steak and Baked”. Ross’ phone starts ringing, he looks at the caller ID to see it is Jacob, so he ignores it. Cut back to Jacob on the phone. No one picks up, so he hangs up) Shit. I wonder what Jesse is doing tonight. (Cut to Jacob talking to Cynthia at Harrison’s party. Jacob is holding a beer and is clearly intoxicated) Hey, your name’s Cynthia, right?
CYNTHIA: Yeah, that’s my name.
JACOB: You’re beautiful, where are you going to college?
CYNTHIA: Swaggot, I’m fourteen.
JACOB: That’s so chill, I’m nineteen, I just graduated. When I’m in college, shit, I’ll get you whatever you want. Booze, cigarettes, you name it.
CYNTHIA: That’s pretty cool, actually.
JACOB: You’re pretty cool. Actually. Cute, too. You know, I can give you more than just booze and cigarettes.
CYNTHIA: Are we talking, snuff films? Because I’m not into that.
JACOB: Naw, girl, just kiss me.
CYNTHIA: Ew, no.
(Cynthia walks away)
(Jacob takes out a pack of Camel cigarettes, packs them and takes one out. He lights it, inhales and then exhales. Cut to June 15, Jacob and Jordan are sitting on Jacob’s couch in the game room)
JORDAN: I’m so glad the state of Vermont finally let us see each other.
JACOB: Me too. We should go out! Maybe to Lake Champlain, it’s summer after all!
JORDAN: Awesome, let’s do it! Although it’s insane that you haven’t developed a fear of water after your cruise on Tuesday.
JACOB: I only developed a fear of drunken captains. Let’s go!
(Cut to Jacob and Jordan at the lake in their bathing suits, the sun shining down on them as they look over the water)
JORDAN: So are we going to go in?
JACOB: Totally. As long as Champ doesn’t get us.
JORDAN: We’ll be swallowed together.
(Jacob and Jordan laugh as they step into the water together, shivering, laughing and eventually getting shoulder-deep. They turn towards each other)
JACOB: How’s Governor Shumlin been treating you?
JORDAN: Just because I’m a ward of the state doesn’t mean the Governor is raising me.
JACOB: That would be so funny. You’d have the Governor as your father, telling you when to go to bed and when to brush your teeth-
JORDAN: Does your dad have to tell you when to brush your teeth?
JORDAN: Okay, just wondering.
JORDAN: No reason.
JACOB: But yeah, that’d be funny, the Governor telling you when to come home from school-
JORDAN: Jacob, I get it.
JACOB: Okay. Was that too far?
JORDAN: I guess…
(Jordan looks out towards the lake. Jacob turns her face back towards his)
JACOB: Jordan, everything will be okay. Harold and Grace can’t hurt you anymore.
JORDAN: I know. (She turns back to look at him) I’m glad this is the way it is.
JACOB: You know, today’s our two month.
JORDAN: We met two months ago, today?
JORDAN: Wow. It seems like it was…exactly two months ago.
JACOB: Is that good?
JORDAN: I guess. It means time is moving in an orderly direction.
JACOB: I suppose it is.
(Jacob and Jordan start making out. A boat with a father and son in it floats by, they’re both holding cameras)
SON: Look, dad!
FATHER: Get their attention!
(The son throws an apple at Jacob’s head, causing them to stop making out and they both look at the boat)
JACOB: OW! What the fuck!?
(They snap pictures)
FATHER: Good job, son!
SON: Pokémon Snap has taught me the ways of photography!
(Cut to Jacob sitting on his bed in his bedroom on June 17)
JORDAN: (Offscreen) Are you ready for this?
JACOB: Of course, this is what I’ve wanted for the last two months. That, and a sequel to Jurassic Park 3D.
(Jordan comes out of Jacob’s bathroom)
JORDAN: Wouldn’t that just be Jurassic Park 2?
JACOB: Yeah. Is there one of those?
JORDAN: Let’s just do this.
JACOB: Sweet. (Jacob takes off his shirt, undoes his pants and pulls down his underwear and kicks them to the side) Go ahead.
JORDAN: Wow, you are really hard.
JACOB: Am I not supposed to be?
JORDAN: No, of course you are, but, God, how do you walk around?
JACOB: Don’t flatter yourself honey, this is how hard I get when I’m tired.
(Jordan laughs and playfully pushes a smiling Jacob)
JORDAN: Don’t worry, this will be different than the BJ at Roger’s party.
JACOB: Alright, then go ahead.
(Jordan takes off her top and pants and panties and the two begin having vaginal sex. Cut to Ethan sitting at the dinner table with Kimberly. Ethan is on his laptop, Kimberly is on her phone)
ETHAN: I feel like if I want to write this memoir right, I should get some basic facts down. When was Mayor Sarandon born?
KIMBERLY: September 11, 1961. Wow, why do I know that?
(Ethan types that down)
ETHAN: Ugh…I don’t want to do this. He threw me that promotion to CAO like a bone to a dog, and he let me chew on it for a while, but now I’m just back to being taken around the block and pissing on the neighbor’s petunias.
KIMBERLY: You love it.
ETHAN: I would love it if I was allowed to put any semblance of truth in this memoir! I feel like I’m writing North Korean propaganda. God, let’s talk about a lighter subject for a while.
KIMBERLY: How about Syria?
ETHAN: That works.
KIMBERLY: You know, we’re arming the rebels.
ETHAN: Yeah, well 93,000 people are dead because of Bashar Al-Assad, it’s about time we did something.
KIMBERLY: But what if the arms are used against us later like when we armed the Afghanis in their fight against the Soviets in the eighties?
ETHAN: Well, maybe we could do a background check on the rebels-
KIMBERLY: What’s that?
ETHAN: I said-oh, fuck you!
KIMBERLY: Background checks before giving people weapons?! Holy shit! We should try that here! (She holds her ear) OW! God, I can’t even hear because of the disembodied voice of Ted Cruz screaming “no” in my ear!
ETHAN: They’re foreigners, it’s different. We can read foreigners’ phone records, not Americans’ phone records!
KIMBERLY: Yeah, as long as we’re 51% sure they’re foreigners.
ETHAN: It’s easy to tell! If they call Domino’s more than they call their grandparents, they’re Americans! (Kimberly laughs) Plus, the NSA has said this phone and internet spying has prevented terror attacks, they foiled a bombing of the New York Stock Exchange!
KIMBERLY: Right, but would that be so bad?
KIMBERLY: Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
ETHAN: Anyway, I have to go to the Chateau Brian (Pronounced Bree-AN) to get some more information about him.
KIMBERLY: Alright. Call me if you make it out alive.
(Ethan smiles and kisses Kimberly and leaves. Cut to Ethan at Brian’s front door. He rings the doorbell. A very hot redheaded maid opens the door)
HOT MAID: Why hello there…
ETHAN: Oh my God, are you like that maid from American Horror Story who looks really hot to only guys and looks like an old hag to women?
HOT MAID: I’ve never seen that show, and no, of course not, that’s impossible.
ETHAN: Stay the hell away from me. Anyway, is Brian here?
HOT MAID: Mister Sarandon is indisposed at the moment, but he should be back any second now…care to come in?
ETHAN: I will come in, but I will not succumb to you, you temptress!
(Ethan comes in and the hot maid shuts the door)
HOT MAID: My name’s Marissa, by the way.
ETHAN: That’s cool. I’ll lead myself to the living room. (Ethan walks to the living room, which is quite large and filled with leather couches. He sits down on a leather couch. There is a side table right next to him. He looks under it and sees a bottle of liquor. He takes the liquor and uncorks it, which in turn causes the wall in front of him to slide open to reveal a door) Holy shit. He puts the bottle down and walks through the door. Once he walks through it he enters a room filled with filing cabinets and pictures of Brian through the years) Well this should prove useful. (He walks over to a filing cabinet labeled “JANUARY 2004-DECEMBER 2005”. He opens a drawer to reveal a ton of files. He picks one file up and takes out a picture of Gloria Sarandon waving while being wheeled into a room for surgery. Then he takes out another picture of a makeshift memorial for Gloria, a picture of her surrounded by candles, flowers and a placard reading “GLORIA BLACKBURN-SARANDON, 1966-2004”. Ethan puts that picture back and closes the drawer. He goes to another filing cabinet, labeled “JANUARY 2012-DECEMBER 2013”. He opens a drawer in it and pulls out a Hansbay Quintessential Headline from October 4, 2012 which is “MAYOR SARANDON INDICTED! What’s next?”. He then puts that back) All this stuff I already know. (Ethan goes to the January 2006-December 2007 cabinet. He opens it and pulls out a picture of a 45-year old Mayor Sarandon playing with the Wii in his living room in November 2006 and having a blast. Then he pulls out a picture of a 45-year old Mayor Sarandon throwing his Wii into the trash in June 2007 outside of his house) Why would he take a picture of that? (Ethan then puts those two pictures back and pulls out a document, which reads, a the top, “BRIAN SARANDON SUMMER EXERCISE INITATIVE- July 27, 2007”) What is this? (He reads, “I hereby decree, that today, the 27th of July 2007, the Hansbay City Government shall instate and instill the Brian Sarandon Summer Exercise Initiative in an attempt to get kids moving this summer. The dangerous wave of childhood obesity, diabetes and sit-aholism is an affront to the natural inclination of kid to play, learn and live. That is why this program, funded by nothing, will incentivize parents to enter their kids into it by offering them grocery coupons in return”) Wow. That’s…a really great idea. Why don’t I remember him doing that?
(Flashback to July 2007. A 45-year old Mayor Sarandon is sitting in his office on his computer when a 41-year old Ethan walks in)
ETHAN: Hey, Mayor Sarandon!
MAYOR SARANDON: Ethan, I have some exciting news, sit down.
ETHAN: Ooh! Sorry, I can’t. Kimberly and some of our friends are going to go watch The Simpsons Movie. But I’ll tell you if they kill off Matt Groening!
MAYOR SARANDON: O-kay. Cool then. Have fun.
(Ethan leaves. Cut back to Ethan at the filing cabinet)
ETHAN: I guess I’ll never know.
(Marissa comes in)
MARISSA: What are you doing in here?!
(Ethan turns around)
ETHAN: Oh. Hi. Sorry, I was just-I’m being tasked with writing his memoirs, so I was doing some research.
MARISSA: (Amorously) That’s okay, big goy.
ETHAN: Did you just call me “big goy”?
MARISSA: I’m Jewish.
ETHAN: You’re a red head.
MARISSA: Red heads can’t be Jewish?
ETHAN: No, that’s not what I meant! Listen, when is Mr. Sarandon coming back?
MARISSA: He just called me, he’s at the office, doing a late night. Speaking of late nights…the night is young…
ETHAN: Oh my God, I’m leaving.
(Ethan leaves the room. Cut to Ryan, Ross, Sarah and Michael sitting in a booth at “Steak and Baked”)
RYAN: God, where is our food?
ROSS: I’m sure it’ll get here soon.
RYAN: If it doesn’t get here soon, it won’t get here!
SARAH: We need to find a way to get to Harrison Strother’s house.
MICHAEL: Sorry, can we just talk for a second about how awesome the name Harrison Strother is?
SARAH: It is pretty cool.
RYAN: I agree. But I also think that name is kind of wasted on him.
ROSS: Why’s that?
RYAN: Because he’s not a very major person in our lives, we’re probably only going to see him once every couple of weeks, his name could be used better elsewhere, you know?
SARAH: How do you expect to do that? Just call someone else Harrison Strother?
MICHAEL: That name is so swag.
SARAH: Let’s focus on how we can get to Harrison’s house.
RYAN: Well, we could take a bus, bike or hitch hike-
SARAH: We have a car.
RYAN: Of course, but we don’t know another route. And I don’t have a GPS.
ROSS: How could you not have a GPS in modern day? What do you, rely on your own intuition and sense of direction? No!
MICHAEL: We could ask those burnouts in the corner over there, chances are they’ve been there before.
(Cut to a group of burnouts in the corner, mostly with brown and blonde hair, wearing white sun glasses, tank tops and cut-off skinny jeans, smoking cigarettes and laughing. Ryan and Sarah look behind them to see the burnouts)
RYAN: You’re probably right.
(Ryan and Sarah get up and walk over to the burnouts)
BURNOUT: Oh my God, Ashton, you totally light that girl on FIRE!
ASHTON: And she still blew me afterwards!
(They all laugh)
RYAN: That’s awesome, hey, were you burnouts just at Harrison Strother’s house?
ASHTON: Yeah, dude. He’s chill. He’s Hunter’s friend, though.
HUNTER: Yeah, his house is so swag, and very conducive to controlled burns.
RYAN: Okay, well, the road he told us to take to his house is blocked off due to an accident, and we can’t get a hold of him, do you know another way to get to his house?
(A waiter comes over)
WAITER: Excuse me, you can’t smoke in here.
ASHTON: That’s what that girl at Harrison’s party said, but she was wrong!
(They all laugh, except for Ryan, Sarah and the waiter)
WAITER: No, I mean you’re not allowed to smoke in buildings in Vermont.
(Ashton stands up with a cigarette in his mouth and faces the waiter)
ASHTON: Okay, asshole. (He inhales and then blows the smoke in his face) We’ll leave then!
(They all run out while laughing)
WAITER: HEY! YOU DIDN’T PAY FOR YOUR MEAL! (They’re gone) Goddamnit.
(Ryan and Sarah run after them, but by the time they get outside, the burnouts have already sped off)
RYAN: Well, awesome! Burnouts are such trash.
SARAH: Let’s pay for our meals and get out of here.
RYAN: They haven’t been brought out yet!
SARAH: Then we can just take them to go.
(Sarah and Ryan walk back inside and sit in the booth)
ROSS: That was insane.
RYAN: Those burnouts are shameless. And that is why they are PERFECT for Harrison Strother’s party!
ROSS: It’s probably over by now.
SARAH: It’s only eleven, I bet they’ve only broken up two or three knife fights.
ROSS: Oh, joy.
MICHAEL: Well, we need to get there soon.
(The waiter comes over with their food)
WAITER: Your fooood!
RYAN: We’ll take it in a box, please.
WAITER: Absolutely…I was just, going to chop your steak burger in front of you, hibachi-style, but forget it.
RYAN: I don’t want my steak burger chopped.
WAITER: That’s why I said forget it!
(The waiter walks away. Cut to Ryan, Sarah, Ross and Michael in Ryan’s car. They all seem to be staring at his gas gauge)
SARAH: Look at the road.
(Ryan looks at the road)
RYAN: Course, sorry. Just tell me when I’m about to run out of gas.
ROSS: You should have, like twenty minutes ago.
RYAN: This baby can make it across the Mojave on a quarter tank, believe me.
ROSS: But can she make it across 116 on what appears to be loose dirt in your gas tank?
RYAN: It would help if I knew where I was going!
SARAH: He lives in South Burlington, right? Take the exit up here!
RYAN: Sure thing. (The car slows down and drifts to the side of the road) Shit.
SARAH: We’re out.
RYAN: This has never happened to me before. God does not want me to go to this party.
ROSS: If it’s God’s will-let it be.
RYAN: I forgot for a second that God doesn’t exist.
MICHAEL: Santa doesn’t want you to go to this party.
(Ryan, Michael and Sarah laugh while Ross just shakes his head and smiles. Cut to Jacob watching “21 & Over” on his TV on June 19)
JACOB: God, a movie about people getting drunk and doing stupid things? What will the writers of “The Hangover” come up with next? (The doorbell rings) I’ll see who that is.
(Jacob walks downstairs and opens the door to see Roger and Chris Hayes)
JACOB: S’up? Hey, Chris Hayes.
ROGER: Sorry, he just attached himself to this situation.
JACOB: I didn’t object to his presence.
CHRIS HAYES: It’s all cool. I just have to bounce in a few to go to New York, but I can come back.
JACOB: Chris Hayes, it’d be like the middle of the night when you would “come back”.
CHRIS HAYES: I’m down if you are!
JACOB: I’m not down!
ROGER: Just, stay cool, Chris Hayes, do you want to hang?
JACOB: Um…(Jacob looks at his text conversation with Jordan, it says at 11am she sent the text “Hey wanna hang out at five?” and he texted back “totally, actually, could you make it four?” and she texted back “hell yea, hmu when ur ready”. Jacob then locks his phone and puts it in his pocket) Yeah, I can hang out.
CHRIS HAYES: Swag!
ROGER: Let’s go, nigga!
(The three of them walk away from the house. Jacob doesn’t even close the door. Cut to Mayor Sarandon and Shelly in Brian’s office, talking)
SHELLY: How did dogs happen?
MAYOR SARANDON: What do you mean?
SHELLY: It’s like, dogs are basically wolves, but nicer. So what had to happen for dogs to come about? Did, wolves have sex with Tom Hanks or something?
(Brian laughs as Ethan comes in)
ETHAN: Mister Mayor-oh. Hello.
MAYOR SARANDON: Ethan, this is my girlfriend Shelly.
ETHAN: Oh. (Ethan shakes her hand) Nice to meet you, Shelly.
SHELLY: It’s a pleasure.
(They ungrasp hands)
ETHAN: How did you two meet?
MAYOR SARANDON: Your son set us up on a hot, hot date in the Hamptons a month and a half ago. But it didn’t become a relationship officially until three week ago.
SHELLY: We were involved in a car crash and he rescued me from it, as well as himself. It was like a modern-day Chappaquiddick incident.
MAYOR SARANDON: Except I didn’t let Shelly die. So I’ve already got a leg up on Ted Kennedy.
ETHAN: How did my son-?
MAYOR SARANDON: What is it you want?
ETHAN: Well, I wanted to talk to you about some of the digging I’ve done to find out things about your life for your memoirs.
SHELLY: You’re writing memoirs?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes, don’t worry, you’re in there.
SHELLY: Do you use my name?
MAYOR SARANDON: No, you’re more of a recurring theme, like a motif, you’re represented by an old oak tree with a Mexican Day laborer leaning against it.
ETHAN: I haven’t written a single word of it and I literally just met her.
MAYOR SARANDON: Sorry, I’m being presumptive, go on.
ETHAN: Anyway, I found out you concocted an exercise program six years ago for kids that involved incentivizing child exercise camp attendance with grocery coupons?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes, of course. The BSSEP.
ETHAN: That was genius, sir! How do I not remember that?
MAYOR SARANDON: You were busy watching The Simpsons Movie. Just like most of those lazy-ass children.
ETHAN: But hold on sir, did that program work?
MAYOR SARANDON: No, we had no funding.
MAYOR SARANDON: What?
ETHAN: Brian, you realize that one accomplishment could have been the singular evidence of the benevolence of this Mayoral administration, right?
SHELLY: That can’t be the only good thing Brian has done, right?
MAYOR SARANDON: Of course not, Hansbay 2024 is another one. Then there was the “Trail of Tears” program where I required Hansbay therapists to disclose what their patients were saying in sessions, you know, for security reasons.
ETHAN: Jesus Christ, that does not cut it! We need to resurrect this exercise program, this time with funding! Let’s divert some of that new tax revenue to this program! It will solidify your legacy!
MAYOR SARANDON: I’m already better than Ted Kennedy!
ETHAN: So is everybody! But do you want to be better than Bobby Kennedy?
MAYOR SARANDON: That’s easy, I’ll just avoid putting a hotel out of business!
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah!
ETHAN: You’re blaming RFK for being shot to death in the Ambassador Hotel as a reason for it going out of business?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes, that son of a bitch promised business growth, but he obviously lied, that’s why I didn’t vote for him.
ETHAN: You were six.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes, that was another reason.
ETHAN: This is why we need to be proactive in resurrecting this program! For your legacy!
MAYOR SARANDON: …I suppose so. How do we go about it, though?
ETHAN: Let’s go to your house and plan through the weekend.
MAYOR SARANDON: Got it. Let’s go, Shelly.
(They gather their things and head out the door of Sarandon’s office. Cut to Ryan, Ross, Michael and Sarah standing on the side of the road, with cars whizzing past. Ryan is on the phone)
RYAN: Hello, is this triple A? Oh, this is AA? Right, the alcoholic rehab place, um, could you get me your triple A division? Excuse me? Oh, this is American Airlines? Shit, well I just fucked this up. (Ryan hangs up) Bit the squeeze on that one.
SARAH: Just call actual triple A!
RYAN: I don’t HAVE their number!
ROSS: Why do you have American Airlines’ number?!
RYAN: I like telling them to fly closer to the ground so they can cast larger shadows to alleviate the summer heat!
SARAH: That’s really weird!
RYAN: Yeah! You know what? I will call my dad and I’m sure he’ll have the number.
(Ryan takes out his phone and calls Ethan. Cut to Ethan on Mayor Sarandon’s couch with Mayor Sarandon and Shelly to his left and Marissa the Jewish slut maid to his left. Ethan is pouring through documents while wearing reading glasses)
ETHAN: Okay, so this names the director of the program as Daniel Swacker, do you want to go with him again?
MARISSA: Can I be the erector of your program?
ETHAN: Wow, that’s a stretch. Why is your maid always coming onto me?
MAYOR SARANDON: Incredibly low self-esteem.
MARISSA: Incredibly high self-e-cream.
ETHAN: Come on.
MAYOR SARANDON: So we have to meet with Daniel Swacker?
ETHAN: Yes, and if it’s not too late, we can meet him today.
SHELLY: Can you invite him here? This house is wonderful.
MAYOR SARANDON: I agree.
ETHAN: Of course, anything to keep us around Marissa.
MARISSA: I know you want me.
ETHAN: Can’t you fire her for this?
MAYOR SARANDON: She’s never done this to me. I think she just has a thing for married guys.
ETHAN: That’s a caustic fetish. Let me call Mr. Swacker.
MAYOR SARANDON: We have to make fun of that name.
ETHAN: No! Anyway, I’ll call him. (Ethan receives a call, he takes out his cell phone) Apparently, someone’s calling me. (Ethan picks up) Ryan, I can’t talk right now, I’ll call you back.
RYAN: (On the phone) Nuh-nuh-nuh-
(Ethan hangs up and calls Daniel Swacker. Cut to Jacob, Roger and Chris Hayes sitting in Roger’s mansion’s living room)
CHRIS HAYES: Well boys, (Chris Hayes stands up) I have to bounce.
ROGER: (Half-heartedly) So soon?
CHRIS HAYES: Yes, I have things to do in New York. But I’ll probably come into work HIGH or something.
JACOB: I’ve seen your show, you’re always very thoughtful-
CHRIS HAYES: It’s an ACT!
JACOB: That’s an act?
CHRIS HAYES: Nice chillin’ with ya, dawgs. Peace.
(Chris Hayes walks out of Roger’s house)
ROGER: That fuckin’ kid…
JACOB: He wants to be our friends so bad. (Jacob’s phone rings. He looks at the caller ID, its Jordan. He answers) Hello?
JORDAN: (On the phone) Hey, it’s 4:45, where are you?
JACOB: Oh, um…I must’ve forgotten to tell you, I actually had plans, so…
JACOB: Yeah, I forgot about them.
JORDAN: What plans?
JACOB: I’m with Roger, we’re having bro time. We take bro at two.
JORDAN: But I’m your cup of tea, plus, you said four.
JACOB: We’ve been taking bro for two hours!
JORDAN: “Taking bro” sounds vaguely homosexual.
JACOB: Valid point.
JORDAN: Jacob! You can’t just do this! I’m your girlfriend, I take precedence!
JACOB: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I would be a bitch move to just abandon Roger!
JORDAN: Would it be a bitch move to abandon your girlfriend on a Friday night?!
JACOB: Roger would be pissed!
JORDAN: Doesn’t he have a girlfriend?
JACOB: Roger? (Chuckles) No, of course not. (Jacob and Roger make eye contact, Roger looks interested in what Jacob is talking about. Jacob clears his throat) He would never run for parliament.
(Roger looks confused)
JACOB: Jordan, I have to go.
JORDAN: Jacob, this is bullshit!
JACOB: Not everything’s about you, Jordan!
(Jacob hangs up and puts his phone in his pocket)
ROGER: Girlfriend troubles?
JACOB: Yeah. She’s being a bitch.
ROGER: Why do you think I couldn’t run for Parliament?
JACOB: it’s like, do we have to spend every waking moment together?
ROGER: What is parliament?
JACOB: I need a cigarette. (Jacob takes out a pack of Camels) We should go outside.
(Cut to Jacob and Roger in Roger’s huge backyard. They’re both smoking)
JACOB: So she’s finally free from those lunatics who called themselves her parents, plus the gay mister-ess.
JACOB: Male mistress.
ROGER: Sounds like a mystery mistress.
JACOB: Where the hell is Carmen San Diego and how can I wreak revenge on that bitch?
ROGER: So, what’s wrong if she’s free?
JACOB: Well, she became a ward of the state, then they finally loosened her chain, now she wants to spend every other day with me, it’s crazy! I have a life besides her.
ROGER: Have you fucked her already?
ROGER: Are you done with her, bro?
JACOB: No, I just want space. I always have. Just like with Kirsten.
ROGER: Kirsten wanted you because you were nothing like her, so why does Jordan want you?
JACOB: Jordan has me, that’s all that matters, really.
ROGER: You didn’t answer my question.
JACOB: I hate menthols.
(Jacob throws down his cigarette and puts it out with his foot and walks away, leaving Roger confused)
ROGER: These aren’t menthols!
(Cut to Ryan hanging up his phone on the side of the road)
SARAH: Did your dad pick up?!
RYAN: As quickly as he hung up!
ROSS: We should just go to Ryan’s house or something, this is hopeless.
RYAN: There’s nothing at my house besides bad memories, let’s hail a cab!
MICHAEL: Why would there be a cab on a Vermont highway at 8pm?
RYAN: Doesn’t Ben Bailey have a summer home in Vermont?
(A woman drives to the side of the road and gets out of her SUV)
WOMAN: Are you guys okay?
RYAN: Thank God! Ma’am, a man siphoned our gas while we were driving!
WOMAN: Oh my.
RYAN: And now we’re stranded.
SARAH: Why are you lying to her?
RYAN: I have to instill trust with these people!
SARAH: Then don’t lie to her!
WOMAN: It’s okay, my name is Addie, what can I do? I don’t want to be part of the bystander effect.
RYAN: Thanks so much, ma’am. We need to know the number to triple A.
ADDIE: I have it, I’ll call them.
ROSS: Thank you so much, ma’am.
(The woman takes out her cell phone)
RYAN: Oh, and one more thing.
(Ross closes his eyes, almost bracing)
RYAN: Would you mind taking us to someone’s house-
ROSS: Ryan, she’s not going to wait for AA to arrive so she can bring us somewhere!
RYAN: Ross, let me finish. We’re a group of indigents and we need to sleep somewhere tonight, so would you mind?
ADDIE: I don’t mind at all.
RYAN: Thank you, ma’am.
ADDIE: I’m going to call in my car, for the acoustics.
RYAN: Do a set, will you?
(Addie chuckles and goes into her car and makes the call. Ryan turns to Sarah)
SARAH: It really disturbs me how good you are at lying.
RYAN: It’s my gift. And my curse.
SARAH: It’s just a curse.
RYAN: You know, I hate when people say something is “their gift”, actually. It makes them sound like they didn’t earn it. I EARNED my keen ability to lie with hard work…and deception.
SARAH: Stop talking.
(Ryan kisses Sarah)
RYAN: Is it all better?
(Sarah smiles and puts her head on Ryan’s chest)
ROSS: I guess we’re going to that party after all.
MICHAEL: Fuck yeah.
ROSS: I’m a little nervous, still. The party atmosphere is reminiscent of certain…things.
(Michael puts his hand on Ross’ shoulder)
MICHAEL: You’ll do fine. What’s the worst that could happen?
ROSS: I guess, having a panic attack.
(Michael takes his hand off his shoulder)
MICHAEL: Right, but best case scenario, you jerk off in a girl’s face.
ROSS: Why is that best case scenario?
(Michael puts his hand into the shape of a gun and puts it to Ross’ stomach)
MICHAEL: Give me your FUCKING money before I give you a third belly button.
ROSS: I only have one.
MICHAEL: Don’t black people have one from the mother and one from the baby daddy?
ROSS: Holy shit.
(Michael pretends to shoot Ross)
MICHAEL: You just got mugged! Now having a panic attack doesn’t seem so bad, huh?
ROSS: I guess not. I don’t know, it’s silly.
(Addie comes out of her car)
ADDIE: They should come any time.
(Ryan and Sarah are making out and not paying attention)
MICHAEL: So should he.
(Cut to Ethan, Mayor Sarandon, Shelly and Daniel Swacker, an athletic forty-something wearing athletic clothes, sitting in Mayor Sarandon’s living room)
MAYOR SARANDON: Sorry for the late hour, but we felt it couldn’t wait until Monday.
DANIEL: Anything for national security.
MAYOR SARANDON: Sorry, I told him that to nudge him in the right direction.
DANIEL: Sorry, is that not why I’m here?
ETHAN: He’s the Mayor of a city in Vermont, you shouldn’t have believed that.
MAYOR SARANDON: It’s about the Brian Sarandon Exercise Initiative from 2007.
DANIEL: Yes, I remember that, vaguely. It didn’t last long, if my memory serves me.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes, but we’re looking to revive it for this still very nascent summer.
DANIEL: Really? Well, I refuse.
DANIEL: Because you haven’t convinced me yet.
SHELLY: So you’re open to it?
DANIEL: Absolutely not. Now go on.
MAYOR SARANDON: Sir, it would reduce obesity rates, heart disease, diabetes, all of that not only in children, but in the next generation of adults. When Vermont’s youth aren’t taking too many prescription drugs or sleeping in their underwear, they’re on their laptop, watching TV or playing video games. I saw this when the Wii was released in 2006, and it made me sad, because I remembered summers in Montpelier when I was kid in the early to mid-seventies, playing hide and seek on Limehurst Lake, fishing, canoeing, canoodling, etcetera, all of it moving! Even though the Wii allowed you to move about, a lot of kids simply didn’t. So that’s why I cared about this problem six years ago and that’s why I care about it now.
ETHAN: I have to say, it’s very interesting.
MAYOR SARANDON: Thanks for that input.
DANIEL: Well sir, I seem to remember you going on the same spiel in 2007, but where is the money coming from?
ETHAN: We have new tax revenue from the Union deal, if we can cut a deal with the City Council, we can move the money around.
DANIEL: Holy shit, I’m convinced! How did you get me from absolute refusal to complete compliance in just over a minute?
SHELLY: This calls for a celebration!
MAYOR SARANDON: Liquid celebration!
DANIEL: Water with confetti?
MAYOR SARANDON: Almost. Ethan, could you get vodka, please? Fabby’s home sick.
(Ethan stands up)
MAYOR SARANDON: Also, the confetti’s in the bottom left corner.
(Ethan walks into Mayor Sarandon’s liquor pantry to see Marissa sitting on a blanket on the floor)
MARISSA: Hey big goy, I’m wetter than a gafilta fish on a tapestry of butter and matzo…
ETHAN: I’m sorry, you CANNOT make Jewish sexy…
(Suddenly, Marissa is on the phone)
MARISSA: I’m calling the Israeli Anti-Defamation League.
(Cut to Addie pulling up to the party house Ryan, Ross, Michael and Sarah wanted. They’re all in her SUV)
RYAN: Thank you so much, ma’am.
ADDIE: That’s the house?
ADDIE: You fucker.
RYAN: Nice day to you as well.
(Ryan, Ross, Michael and Sarah hastily vacate the car and the SUV drives away)
ROSS: Here goes nothing.
(Ryan, Ross, Michael and Sarah walk up to the door of this jumping party house. The guy, who is apparently Harrison Strother, an attractive, muscular Arab looking kid with thick eyebrows, comes out)
HARRISON: Hey guys.
RYAN: What’s up, Harrison?
HARRISON: Not much, you’re Ryan, right?
RYAN: Yeah, this is my girlfriend Sarah, and this is-
HARRISON: I don’t need to learn all your names, listen, we’re at capacity.
RYAN: What? Harrison, we’ve been through hell and a half to get here!
HARRISON: Yeah, but someone smashed my TV, the microwave exploded, these burnouts set a girl on fire, someone did an awful Glenn Howerton impression, we had to put a cap on everything. It’s nothing personal, but no more guests.
SARAH: Harrison, we don’t even have a ride home!
(Jacob walks out of the house with a cigarette in hand)
ROSS: THERE’S ONE!
(Jacob stops and looks at them)
JACOB: Shit, hi.
RYAN: Hi. Harrison, are you sure?
HARRISON: Positive. It’s too bad too. There’s booze, weed, coke, molly, heroin, cheese, hydro, oxy, bars, morphine, hookah, spray paint, crack, whippets, opium, Cheez-its, ecstasy, rufies, LSD, shrooms, meth, ketamine, steroids, Ritalin, subbies, barbiturates, beer, gasoline, cigarettes and crack.
RYAN: You said crack twice.
SARAH: You also said Cheez-its, I can’t imagine that belongs there.
HARRISON: Anyway, have a nice night.
(Harrison goes back into his house)
JACOB: (Slurred) Do you need a ride home?
RYAN: I’ll take your car, you’re wasted.
JACOB: I don’t trust you, who else wants to do it?
MICHAEL: I will.
JACOB: Can’t argue with THAT!
(Jacob finishes his cigarette and throws it to the ground and steps on it. They all start walking away. As Ross starts to walk towards Jacob’s car, the camera zooms in on his face. As he walks he looks down, and a furtively slight smile grows upon his face as “Float On” by Modest Mouse begins playing. Cut to Mayor Sarandon, Ethan and Shelly outside Sarandon’s house, waving goodbye to Daniel, who is waving back. They all go back inside and Ethan shuts the door. Shelly and Mayor Sarandon begin making out. Ethan stands there with his hands in his pockets, smiling. He then shows himself out, with no goodbye from Sarandon or Shelly. Cut to Ryan and Sarah in the back of Jacob’s car, next to Ross. They’re both looking out the same window as Sarah pulls out a package of Skittles and then Ryan uses his mouth to tear it open while it’s still in her hand, causing her to giggle. Pan to Ross, who looks out the other window. Cut to Ethan excitedly describing the exercise program to Kimberly on the couch in their living room, while she eats yogurt and intently listens. Cut to Mayor Sarandon and Shelly in bed the next morning. Shelly gets up out of bed, to leave, but Mayor Sarandon pulls on her arm and corrals her back in, holding her and smiling at her, staring at her. Cut to Ross on his laptop in his house late at night, playing some sort of video game and getting really into it. Cut to Ryan and Sarah walking out of Ryan’s house in their pajamas and getting into his car. Ryan turns on the car and the clock reveals it’s 2:15 am. As they talk, they drive off as the song ends. Once the song ends, we cut to Jacob asleep in his bed the next
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