The Donahues Episode 107

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Kimberly’s 46th birthday is celebrated, but she yearns for an office for her business, Madeline declares it anorexia open season and Sarah’s friends try to get her to expand her diet

Submitted: July 14, 2013

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Submitted: July 14, 2013

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THE DONAHUES

 

“HEALTHY CHOICE SAND”

 

TV-MA DL

 

“My choices are weakening, I'm not that person anymore. Delusional, I'm going. For that thing speaks louder than my sounds of pain. A joy that never lets me rise, I'm somehow in the middle”

-Lief Poemme

 

(We start with Ryan staring at in the mirror one morning. He takes a pill bottle and takes out four or five pills and then pops them in his mouth and drinks water. His eyes well up. Cut to Kimberly in nightwear, typing frantically on her computer at night on July 6, 2013. Ethan comes into the office wearing the robe he got from the Seal Beach hotel in TDEP78. He is squinting and looks tired)

 

ETHAN: Kimberly?

 

(Kimberly gasps then turns around)

 

KIMBERLY: Jesus, you scared me!

 

(Kimberly turns back to the computer)

 

ETHAN: What are you doing?

 

KIMBERLY: I am horning up on a lucrative potential client, writing out my plan of attack.

 

ETHAN: Don’t attack the client.

 

KIMBERLY: They better hold their balls, because they’re about to be attacked!
 

ETHAN: Kimberly, why are you up so late? Tomorrow’s your birthday-actually, no, it’s after midnight, today’s your birthday!
 

KIMBERLY: Ethan, I’ll be 36 for an entire year, it’s fine.

 

ETHAN: You’re 46.

 

KIMBERLY: Just, let me delude myself into avoiding the inevitable aging process, please?

 

ETHAN: No!

 

KIMBERLY: Fine, then let me work.

 

ETHAN: Okay, but I want you to come to bed soon. At least you can sleep in tomorrow morning.

 

KIMBERLY: Nope. I’m going running tomorrow morning.

 

ETHAN: You’re still running?

 

KIMBERLY: Every morning.

 

ETHAN: But you’re always in bed when I get up.

 

KIMBERLY: Yeah, because I get back before you get up! So get down! Off my ass!

 

(Ethan walks over to her and puts his arms around her)

 

ETHAN: Never.

 

KIMBERLY: Not right now, okay? I have to wake up at 4:30 AM.

 

(Ethan removes his arms from her)

 

ETHAN: It’s 2am, you’ll get two and a half hours, how is that enough?

 

KIMBERLY: I’ll sleep on the way home.

 

ETHAN: Are you taking a bus or something?
 

KIMBERLY: I’m DRIVING a bus or something!

 

ETHAN: What?

 

KIMBERLY: I bought a business bus for our business! We’re trying to find an ad agency that will create some ads for us, maybe Sterling, Cooper and Partners!

 

ETHAN: But they’re a fictional company!

 

KIMBERLY: Hasn’t stopped me from leaving voicemails for 87-year old Don Draper, but he’s probably too busy banging 25 year olds at the retirement home.

 

ETHAN: Well…good luck. And come to bed soon. Happy Birthday.

 

KIMBERLY: It feels great to be 41.

 

ETHAN: Ugh…

 

(Ethan starts to walk away)

 

KIMBERLY: Can you tell me about the Challenger disaster?! I was too young to remember it!

 

(Cut to Ethan waking up that morning. He rolls over to see Kimberly is not there. Confused, he turns to the clock and sees it is 9 am. He gets up and looks confused. He sees a note on the door that reads “Went out running. If not back by 6:30 I abandoned the family (:” Ethan takes his cell phone off the bedside table and starts dialing. Cut to 5am. Kimberly is walking towards the running club’s club house at Lake Champlain, wearing her running gear. Kristi and the Colonel are there)

 

THE COLONEL: You’re late!

 

KIMBERLY: Sorry, I overslept. Two and a half hours.

 

KRISTI: God, the day might as well be over for you.

 

KIMBERLY: Anyway, I’m going to go on my run.

 

THE COLONEL: Hurry!

 

(Kimberly runs on the trails around the Lake. She runs, and runs, and runs, and runs. Eventually, she stops for breath. She looks lightheaded)

 

KIMBERLY: (In between pants) No…I do not look like a taxi cab with both doors open, dad…

 

(Kimberly passes out on the track. Cut to Madeline watching TV news in her apartment with a beer in her hand. The news is hosted by Bruce Kallen and a woman)

 

BRUCE KALLEN: Governor Palin has recently suggested that she could be open to a Senate run against Senator Mark Begich of Alaska, and many of her most ardent supporters are already giving their cash, houses and first-born children to the former Governor who quit halfway through her first term and decided to not run for President in 2012 after founding SarahPac and then pocketing the money she derived from it. Meanwhile, she also floated the possibility of running for President of India, saying “some rupees would be cool too”. In other news, the interest rates on student loans doubled a week ago, and that is leading to some a contentious debate in Washington about how to lower the rates while ensuring the program’s long-term viability.

 

MADELINE: Jesus, I should really find out whether I have student loans or not.

 

OLIVER: (Offscreen) I DO!

 

MADELINE: Sucks.

 

FEMALE ANCHOR: We’ll be right back.

 

(The TV goes to commercial, showing a perfectly skinny woman looking in the mirror, touching her neck)

 

VOICEOVER: Are you suffering from extra weight? (Cut to the woman grabbing her stomach in the mirror and then looking in the mirror and shrugging) Is it making you despondent? (Cut to a woman in a pants suit standing in front of an office building, completely still and stone-faced while everyone else speeds around her in fast-motion) Is it making you stand completely still in front of a building for some reason? Then you need-(Cut to a woman holding up a pill bottle called “Regulex”) Inadequil! (Cut to a man in a suit in an armchair talking to the camera) Due to the relaxation of Regulation of medicinal advertising, we can guarantee this pill will make you lose ten, twenty, how about 200 pounds? If you look in the mirror and see something you don’t like, then pop one of these in your mouth and you’ll won’t suck anymore!

 

(Madeline scoffs, turns off the TV and walks to the kitchen to see Oliver drinking coffee)

 

OLIVER: Hey. You okay?

 

MADELINE: I’m fine. When are we going to the thing?

 

OLIVER: You mean the city council protest?

 

MADELINE: Yep.

 

OLIVER: Madeline, they’re trying to commission a coal plant to be built in the black area of Warwick, it’s environmental racism!
 

MADELINE: Since when are there coal plants in Rhode Island?!

 

OLIVER: Never! But they’re trying to have one built!

 

MADELINE: Also, Rhode Island’s only like seven percent black, where is this “black area”?

 

OLIVER: It’s like, one particular street.

 

(Madeline sighs)

 

MADELINE; I thought you were interested in like, techy, gadgety, Silicon Valley type stuff.

 

OLIVER: I am! But I am a man of eclectic interests, remember? I work for Jack Reed’s 2014 campaign, and we’re only sixty-eight weeks away from victory! Plus, I volunteered for Obama and I’m president of the New England Tech Young Democrats. I must’ve cleaned out the guilty pockets of half the mansions in Providence to fund Obama’s coffers.

 

MADELINE: …Alright, let’s just go to it.

 

OLIVER: Hey, cheer up, we’re making a difference. But we should get lunch first, right?

 

(Madeline takes a coke out of the fridge, opens it and takes a sip, then closes the fridge door)

 

MADELINE: Do we have time?

 

OLIVER: Yeah, there’s a restaurant right down the street that’s really dope, the waitresses have mints in their pockets!

 

MADELINE: We should try to save money, can’t we just pick something up?

 

OLIVER: Uh…sure. Fine.  Just grab your coat and we’ll go.

 

MADELINE: It’s ninety-one degrees outside.

 

OLIVER: Then let’s go! Global Warming’s waiting to be solved and we’re one networking meet and greet away!

 

MADELINE: Alright.

 

(Oliver and Madeline walk out the door. Cut to Madeline and Oliver in Oliver’s car. Oliver is driving while Madeline wipes off her mouth and puts the fast food bag in Oliver’s glove compartment)

 

OLIVER: Do you have to put it in there? I don’t want some cop finding that and having to bleed liberal guilt.

 

MADELINE: Just refuse the search.

 

OLIVER: Then he’ll say he smells weed and do it anyway. Probable cause? More like probably, because!

 

(Madeline smiles as Oliver looks at her. Oliver parks outside the Warwick City Council building, they see numerous protestors, including Aedesh and a bunch of others. They get out of the car and walk over, the protestors are holding signs that say “DON’T BET ON BLACK LUNG!” and “ASTHMA IS FOR JEWS, NOT BLACKS!” and of course, “LEGALIZE WEED”. They are chanting “COAL PROTEST” until Maddie and Oliver walk over and they turn around)

 

AEDESH: Oh, hey Oliver, what’s up? Come to join the movement?

 

OLIVER: Yes, you knew I was coming, can we make the chant more creative?

 

AEDESH: Creativity is not communist, we need a uniform, bland, average chant so as not to arise jealousy in the proletariat.

 

(Oliver laughs)

 

OLIVER: Well, unlike you, I’m not a communist.

 

AEDESH: Well, what chant would you suggest?

 

OLIVER: I don’t know, maybe…”no melanin for oil”?

 

AEDESH: That would only work if it was an oil plant, but I like it.

 

(Warwick, Rhode Island City Councilman Steve Merolla walks over)

 

STEVE MEROLLA: What’s going on here?

 

AEDESH: We are protesting your audacious and destructive plans to approve a coal plant in the black district, sir!

 

STEVE: Well, where else are we going to put it? Certainly not anywhere else!

 

OLIVER: You didn’t rule out any specific place, just everywhere else but the black district!

 

STEVE: Well, it’s pretty obvious you put it there, right?

 

MADELINE: No! You don’t need to have it at all!

 

STEVE: We don’t have one in Rhode Island, and it’s the power of the future.

 

AEDESH: It’s the power of the nineteenth century! You’re going to poison the air they breathe! And in the meantime, you’re commissioning a Glade plug-in factory a mile from your house!
 

STEVE: I don’t have time for this! You fat bitches can choke on our poison air for all I care!
 

(Councilman Merolla walks away in a huff)

 

OLIVER: Fat bitches? Who was he talking about?

 

AEDESH: Maybe Madeline? I’m just kidding!

 

(They all laugh a little bit, although Madeline kind of, fake laughs. Cut to Madeline on the phone back at the apartment)

 

MADELINE: Hello? How much is Inadequil? Yeah, it didn’t say the price on TV for some reason. Okay, I’ll hold. (She pauses for a few seconds) HOW MUCH?! Jesus!
 

(Madeline hangs up her cell phone. Madeline goes to the sink and looks at herself. Madeline holds up her finger. She then puts it down and goes into the living room. She sits down and turns on the TV. The TV shows the banner for a show called “Jersey Shore Bachelor”. The show shows an extremely attractive black-haired woman in a silver dress standing next to a pedestal with a rose on it)

 

WOMAN: Only one of you-(Pans to twelve attractive douchebags wearing tuxes, crew cuts and earrings) equally attractive men will get my equally attractive heart. With this one-(picks up rose) rose, or as the producers have asked me to call it-brose, I will pick someone as pretty and skinny as I am.

 

JERSEY SHORE: I want ya, babe.

 

(Madeline changes the channel to “Bikini Lawyers” on USA. It shows two sexy bikini-clad women interrogating a suspect, another bikini-clad woman, in a police interrogation room)

 

BIKINI LAWYER: Did you do it!? Did you murder that chick in the bikini?!

 

BIKINI SUSPECT: NO! I swear, with bikini God as my witness!
 

BIKINI LAWYER 2: We’ll see what the Bikini judge has to say about that!

 

MADELINE: They’re not even lawyers! USA can’t even NAME their shows correctly! (Madeline changes it to a commercial showing a bunch of girls drinking Bud Light at a bar while music plays) Thank God, beer commercial.

 

(The commercial shows a close-up of a girl slamming a beer can on the bar, the beer can says “ANOREXIA” and then shows the slogan “Here We Go” on the side of the screen)

 

VOICEOVER: Anorexia. Here we go!
 

(Madeline rushes to the bathroom and sticks her finger down her throat and throws up in the sink. Cut to Sarah sitting in a doctor’s office eating Skittles)

 

SARAH: I like how the walls are brown in here, it makes it look less like some sterile, hostile hospital environment, it looks friendlier like an old timey down home clinic-JESUS, (Pan to a glob of flesh floating in a jar resting on the doctor’s counter next to a cookie jar labeled “GOOD TIME ANESTHETIC”) WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

 

(Doctor Hammond comes in and closes the door and looks at his chart)

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: Um…Ms. Blumenthal?

 

SARAH: Yes, Doctor?

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: I think you should put the Skittles down.

 

SARAH: I disagree.

 

(Doctor Hammond sits down)

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: Ms. Blumenthal, how much sugar do you ingest on a daily basis?

 

SARAH: I know, I know, I’m probably glucose-deficient, I’ll double down!

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: No, that is the exact opposite of the problem, you are ingesting far too much sugar.

 

SARAH: …Really?

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: You’re getting nearly 190 grams a day, that’s an inordinate amount of sugar!

 

SARAH: Sounds good to me.

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: You also don’t appear to have much protein.

 

SARAH: Well, I’m a vegetarian, I don’t eat meat.

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: That’s weird, because you also have low potassium, folate, vitamin A and C-\\

 

SARAH: Well, I don’t eat vegetables either.

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: So you’re not a vegetarian! You’re malnourished!

 

SARAH: Sounds good to me.

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: You’re borderline diabetic.

 

SARAH: Oh.

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: Yeah. You need a drastic change in diet or I would be surprised if you made it out of this office alive.

 

SARAH: Pardon?

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: That wasn’t a threat.

 

SARAH: It sounded like a threat.

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: No, I just mean you could have a heart attack or a stroke-

 

SARAH: Before I leave?

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: I mean, anything’s possible.

 

SARAH: You said you “wouldn’t be surprised” if it happened.

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: I feel like this is undermining my point.

 

SARAH: What is your point?

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: Change! (Sarah nods her head in supposedly deep thought and then thoughtfully chews on another Skittle) Come on…

 

(Cut to Sarah and Ryan sitting in Sarah’s room on her bed together, against her bedpost)

 

SARAH: So, my doctor says I’m “borderline” diabetic and I need to drastically alter my diet or risk death.

 

RYAN: Jesus. Wow, then you should…change that. I don’t want you to die.

 

SARAH: Did you notice something was wrong?

 

RYAN: I’ve noticed your meals consists of candy and bread, sometimes both.

 

SARAH: Yeah, and I’ve never had any problems.

 

RYAN: You obviously have. Do you eat fruit?

 

SARAH: I eat twizzlers.

 

(Sarah holds up a Twizzler)

 

RYAN: Those don’t count.

 

SARAH: Did I say they counted?

 

(Sarah eats some of the Twizzler)

 

RYAN: How about vegetables, what’s wrong with them?

 

SARAH: They’re just too slimy and green and they have too many nubby green stems and shit…it touches the other food on my plate, like the Skittles-

 

RYAN: Who eats Skittles off a plate?

 

SARAH: I don’t even like touching them with my fingers, I feel like I’ll wake up and my bush will be broccoli.

 

RYAN: Yes, and then you’ll be healthy!

 

SARAH: Ryan, you don’t need to worry about it, I’ll change on my own terms!

 

RYAN: Sarah, your metabolism won’t be fast forever!

 

SARAH: Are you saying all this sugar will make me fat?! Because America’s not the fattest nation on Earth anymore, it’s Mexico now!
 

RYAN: Right, so let’s just get milk shakes to celebrate!

 

SARAH: Why are you hounding me on this?!

 

RYAN: Well, I want to help you! Can’t you let me do that?

 

SARAH: I don’t need help, okay? I’m perfectly fine on my own.

 

RYAN: Sarah, you’re getting defensive.

 

SARAH: You should be the one getting defensive.

 

(Sarah gets up and walks out of the room. Cut to Ethan, Ryan and Jacob sitting in a hospital waiting room)

 

ETHAN: What’s with people going to the hospital on their birthdays? First you, now your mother.

 

RYAN: It’s a Donahue family tradition. (Ethan gets on his phone) Right up there with emotional neglect.

 

ETHAN: Cool, Ryan, very interesting.

 

RYAN: There you go.

 

JACOB: What happened exactly?

 

(Doctor Hammond comes over to them and they all stand up)

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: Hello, your wife’s fine.

 

ETHAN: Thank God.

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: Honestly, she didn’t need that much of her face.

 

ETHAN: WHAT?!
 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: I’m kidding!

 

ETHAN: Jesus.

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: She just collapsed from dehydration, exhaustion and weary, weary love.

 

ETHAN: Doctor Can we see her?

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: Absolutely.

 

(They walk into see Kimberly in the hospital bed)

 

RYAN: Hey mom.

 

ETHAN: Hey honey, happy birthday.

 

KIMBERLY: You guys came for me…

 

JACOB: Yeah, we did. And we’re going to teach you how to walk and talk again, okay?

 

ETHAN: She didn’t have a stroke.

 

KIMBERLY: I’m fine, I just didn’t drink enough water…

 

ETHAN: You’re also working too much, running too early in the morning and not…doing certain things for me enough.

 

JACOB: Wow, I think I’m going to go to the McDonald’s downstairs.

 

RYAN: I am coming with you.

 

(Jacob and Ryan walk out of the room as Ethan sits next to Kimberly)

 

KIMBERLY: I hate that they have a McDonald’s here.

 

ETHAN: Well it’s easy access.

 

KIMBERLY: Right.

 

ETHAN: Kimmy, you have to slow down.

 

KIMBERLY: If you think you’re going to convince me to quit my business then you can go to McDonald’s too.

 

ETHAN: Kimmy, I didn’t say anything even remotely close to that. I’m saying you should not over-exert yourself.

 

KIMBERLY: I passed out, it happens! Ryan’s probably passed out right now.

 

ETHAN: I can’t help but think I’ve failed as a father.

 

KIMBERLY: The point is, I’ve learned my lesson, and now I think I can get out of this hospital bed.

 

(Kimberly sits up and puts her feet on the floor when Doctor Hammond comes in)

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: Hi, Kimberly, ready to go?

 

KIMBERLY: You bet, Doc!

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: Alright, I’ll need co-pay.

 

ETHAN: Right, twenty dollars, correct?

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: You make six figures right?

 

ETHAN: Yes.

 

DOCTOR HAMMOND: Then yes, it’s that low.

 

ETHAN: Cool.

 

(Ethan throws a twenty at the Doctor and walks out with Kimberly. Cut to Kimberly, Rob, Mel and Jamie sitting at the kitchen table, all wearing casual clothes)

 

KIMBERLY: So, we’ve landed Cardova, which is getting us through the summer, but I have a terrific new lead-

 

ROB: Hold on, before we get to the lead, I think it’s important we mention that Kimberly is forty-seven today!

 

KIMBERLY: Forty-six.

 

MEL: You didn’t tell me you had a birthday!

 

JAMIE: Happy Birthday, Kimberly.

 

KIMBERLY: Thank you, but I don’t want to make a big deal out of it-

 

(Ethan walks in holding a cake that has the numbers four and six side by side and lit)

 

ETHAN: (Singing awfully with many voice cracks) Happy birthday to yoOoOUuU! HAAAAaAappy birthday to YoOoOuUuu! Happy BIIRTHDAAAY DEAR KIMMMMYYYY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUUUU!!!!

 

(They all clap)

 

KIMBERLY: Thanks, but why all the voice cracks?

 

MEL: Yeah, that was awful.

 

ETHAN: If you don’t sing it well, you’re not breaking copyright laws.

 

(Ethan puts the cake in front of her)

 

ROB: Make a wish!

 

ETHAN: And make it involve Rob disappearing.

 

KIMBERLY: I have the wish.

 

(Kimberly blows it out and they all applaud)

 

ROB: Now someone get the spider man plates so we can eat this ish!

 

JAMIE: You really are deep down a six year old, huh?

 

ETHAN: So you’re forty-six now, how do you feel?

 

KIMBERLY: I feel exactly like I did when I was forty-five.

 

JAMIE: If I’m being honest, I’ve felt forty-five since I was twenty-four.

 

(Ryan and Jacob walk in)

 

RYAN: It’s present time!

 

KIMBERLY: Did you get me a snow globe you stole from a dead pre-teen this time?

 

RYAN: Jesus, can we forget about that already?! Anyway, I got you a present, I hope you like it. (Ryan holds up a scented candle) I got you a scented candle or something.

 

KIMBERLY: How nice. It says, right there, on the label-(Close-up on the label, which reads “a scented candle or something”) “a scented candle or something”.

 

RYAN: Yeah, I also meant to get you some soaps, but the Bed, Bath and Beyond was closing and the owner was yelling at me.

 

(Kimberly takes the candle and puts it on the table)

 

KIMBERLY: Thanks, Ryan.

 

JACOB: I got you something as well. I thought about who you like besides dad-

 

ETHAN: Nobody!

 

JACOB: And then I realized that you like that singer who looks like an aging psychic woman.

 

KIMBERLY: Steven Tyler?

 

JACOB: Yes! (Jacob takes out a CD case showing Steven Tyler on a stool with a crystal ball in hand and the title of the album is “Aerosmith-Yep, we’re still making music”) Vwala!

 

KIMBERLY: Ooh! Thank you, Jacob. He’s a sexy beast.

 

RYAN: I disagree.

 

(Ethan takes out a wrapped box and puts it on the table)

 

ETHAN: That is my present. To you.

 

KIMBERLY: It’s a beautiful box.

 

ETHAN: Open it.

 

KIMBERLY: I wouldn’t want to ruin the box.

 

ETHAN: It’s a lid, just lift the lid.

 

(Kimberly lifts the lid to see a DVD she takes it out and it shows Stan Sandlin from Madeline’s job on the front cover crossing his arms, winking and giving thumbs up, the title is “Stara Institute Hypnosis for Relaxation”)

 

KIMBERLY: Well, what’s this?

 

ETHAN: It’s a hypnosis tape from Madeline’s workplace. That’s her boss. Great for relaxation in the face of-(Ethan scratches his nails against the table) STRESSSSSS!

 

KIMBERLY: Well, running usually works for me, but, thank you.

 

ETHAN: You’re welcome, sweetie.

 

(Ethan and Kimberly kiss)

 

RYAN: Where are we going to take you for birthday dinner?

 

KIMBERLY: We’re doing that later tonight, but right now, we need to work.

 

JACOB: It’s Saturday and it’s your birthday.

 

KIMBERLY: I will be out later.

 

ETHAN: Alright. Leave mommy alone, she has to work.

 

(Ethan, Ryan and Jacob walk away)

 

ROB: I didn’t get you anything.

 

JAMIE: I would’ve, but Rob only reminds me of his birthdays.

 

ROB: April 25th.

 

JAMIE: Yeah, nine months from now, I get it.

 

KIMBERLY: It’s fine, we just need to move on to pressing business.

 

MEL: The lead?

 

KIMBERLY: Forget about the lead for one second, will you?! We need an office and fast!
 

ROB: Wait, what?

 

KIMBERLY: Yes, we need a total office where we can get shit DONE.

 

MEL: What’s wrong with your house, we haven’t the money for an office!

 

KIMBERLY: We can’t rake together some money?

 

JAMIE: Rake it together?

 

KIMBERLY: With a rake?

 

MEL: No!

 

KIMBERLY: Just extend our credit line.

 

MEL: Do you even know what that means?!  An office suite would cost at least 1500 dollars, probably more! Where would we get that kind of money?!

 

KIMBERLY: Maybe a loan?

 

JAMIE: We don’t want to have to worry about paying back a loan!

 

ROB: I really don’t see the issue with working out of this house, you’re close to your husband and kids and far away from the hustle and bustle of the city.

 

KIMBERLY: Burlington isn’t exactly hustle and bustle, it only has 42,000 people and NONE of them are my husband and kids.

 

JAMIE: Pardon?

 

KIMBERLY: I love them, but I need a space where I can concentrate.

 

MEL: …Alright…but guess where you’re going to have to get the money?

 

KIMBERLY: …Shit.

 

(Cut to Madeline on July 10th, sitting on her computer at work, typing. She looks tired and pale. Kelsey walks over and sits down next to her)

 

KELSEY: You look tired and pale.

 

MADELINE: No, I feel great. I had coffee this morning.

 

 (She holds up a coffee mug)

 

KELSEY: Have you had breakfast?

 

(Madeline puts down the coffee mug)

 

MADELINE: What am I taking the NECAP or something, who needs breakfast?

 

KELSEY: Advertisers say it’s the most important meal of the day.

 

MADELINE: Advertisers, advertisers, why are you always talking about advertisers?!

 

KELSEY: I’m pretty sure that’s the first time I’ve ever brought it up, Maddie. What’s wrong?

 

MADELINE: I’m fat and out of line.

 

KELSEY: Maddie, you’re skinny.

 

MADELINE: I’m fat!

 

KELSEY: Alright then.

 

(Kelsey starts to walk away but then Madeline grabs her arm and pulls her back)

 

MADELINE: Wait, am I really?!

 

KELSEY: Oh, of course. How much do you weigh?

 

MADELINE: One hundred and twelve in the morning, one hundred and ten in the afternoon, one hundred and thirteen at night!

 

KELSEY: That night/morning difference only happens with height.

 

MADELINE: Fine, one hundred thirteen the whole damn day.

 

KELSEY: Maddie, we’ve all been through this, are you jettisoning your daily intake?

 

MADELINE: Yes! And I feel-(She grimaces and moans as if she’s about to throw up) …great!

 

KELSEY: I have a plan to make you feel better that won’t fail.

 

MADELINE: It’s not more hypnosis is it? I swear to God I’m sick of those.

 

KELSEY: You still have a desk here, don’t you? And no, it’s not hypnosis. It’s something even weirder and more unproven!

 

MADELINE: Tell me more!
 

(Cut to Madeline and Kelsey in the break room. Kelsey opens the fridge and looks in there)

 

KELSEY: Hey, where the hell’s my- (Melody walks in and Kelsey looks over at her) Melody, did you eat my tape worm?!

 

MADELINE: Sorry, what?

 

MELODY: Hey, you didn’t label it!

 

MADELINE: Tape worms?!  Melody, you ate a tape worm?!

 

MELODY: (Sarcastically) No! I drank one!

 

MADELINE: Don’t be sarcastic like I’m the dumb one, you realize tape worms are parasitic, right?

 

MELODY: Well, so is Kelsey’s boyfriend, but he still makes her lose weight!

 

MADELINE: How?

 

(Garret, Kelsey’s boyfriend, walks over with a chinstrap beard and an enclosed hoodie and baseball cap)

 

GARRET: Hey Kelsey, I need a few bucks to pay the college librarian for her time.

 

KELSEY: How much do you need?

 

GARRET: Enough to keep Eleanor happy. I also want to make sure you don’t spend it on Rice Krispy Treats, so…

 

KELSEY: Of course.

 

(Kelsey gives Garret a hundred dollar bill and he looks at it)

 

GARRET: This is a 2006 series bill, could I get a little more recent?

 

KELSEY: Of course, sorry.

 

(Kelsey takes out another one hundred dollar bill and gives it to Garret. He nods and puts both in his wallet)

 

MADELINE: Wow, bad boyfriend.

 

GARRET: Former current ex-boyfriend.

 

MADELINE: What are you-what?! (Garret leaves) He took both bills!

 

KELSEY: And he deserved them. Now have a tape worm.

 

MADELINE: No, I think Melody should go to the hospital, tape worms are dangerous!

 

MELODY: Are you seriously going to throw down the “blindness, brain damage or death” card?!

 

MADELINE: I didn’t even know they could do that! But yes, I’m throwing down that card!

 

(Stan walks in)

 

STAN: What are you lovely ladies fighting about?

 

MADELINE: Melody ate a tape worm.

 

STAN: Really? Oh, now you see, that’s no good.

 

MADELINE: That doesn’t seem like a proportional response! You know what, Stan? Take her to the hospital, I’m going home.

 

(Madeline leaves)

 

MELODY: …Can we get McDonald’s while we’re at the hospital?

 

STAN: I’ll cure you with hypnosis.

 

MELODY: I think that worm is really setting up shop in there…

 

STAN: Just close your eyes and breathe…

 

(She holds her stomach)

 

MELODY: God, I think he’s really making a home…

 

STAN: In and out…

 

MELODY: Jesus, he must’ve set up a foosball table or some shit-

 

(Cut to Madeline walking into the apartment Oliver and her share to see Oliver on his phone on the couch. Madeline looks teary-eyed and disturbed)

 

OLIVER: Yeah, yeah! (Oliver starts cracking up) That’s so funny! (His laughter subsides) Ah…okay. Definitely. Dope, dude, see you there.

 

(Oliver hangs up and walks over to Madeline)

 

MADELINE: Hey Oliver-

 

OLIVER: Hey Madeline! I just got off the phone with the Rhode Island Society for Anorexia and Bulimia Prevention and they invited the New England Tech Young Democrats to their annual conference in Providence! How dope is that?!

 

MADELINE: ….Oh. Cool, that’s-wait, if you were talking to the Anorexia people, what were you cracking up about?

 

OLIVER: Oh, we were talking about how Governor Perry down in Texas isn’t seeking a fourth term and how AWESOME that is. Maybe they could get Wendy Davis elected, provided she doesn’t have to stand behind her desk and not lean on anything to be eligible for office.

 

MADELINE: Why do you even care, it’s Texas, you live in Rhode Island.

 

(Oliver smiles slightly, looks down and looks at the camera, but then looks back at Madeline)

 

OLIVER: Anyway, we’re going to the conference on July 12th. Are you excited?

 

MADELINE: Of course.

 

OLIVER: Awesome! We can really make a difference for these poor women. But remember, study up on the subject, this is a key issue in women’s health and we’re going to be on a panel.

 

MADELINE: Are there going to be trash cans below the tables?

 

(Oliver laughs)

 

OLIVER: That’s the spirit, I’m going to take a piss.

 

(Oliver walks away as Madeline looks intrigued. Cut to Ryan, Michelle, Brennan and Michael at Hansbay Town Center’s fountain area the night of July 9th)

 

RYAN: You may be wondering why I invited you all here.

 

MICHELLE: We were actually wondering why you invited yourself here. We were all just hanging out without you and you showed up.

 

RYAN: Listen, I know I’ve alienated some of you and certain people in this group have alienated themselves from me.

 

MICHELLE: I broke up with you and you refused to get back together when you had the chance.

 

BRENNAN: You cheated on me.

 

MICHAEL: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

 

RYAN: Sure. But I’ve gathered you here today because I’m concerned about Sarah.

 

BRENNAN: What about her?

 

RYAN: She got some grave medical news recently, she’s borderline diabetic from excessive sugar consumption and I don’t know how willing she is to change.

 

MICHELLE: I’m sorry to hear that, is she going to be okay?

 

RYAN: That’s for YOU to decide. I think we need to organize an intervention to make sure she kicks the habit, it’ll be like that show intervention except with less track pants.

 

MICHAEL: Let me get this straight, YOU want US to organize an intervention…for Sarah?!

 

RYAN: …Yes, that’s what I said!

 

MICHELLE: You, Ryan Anthony Donahue, want to organize an intervention for Sarah Leland Blumenthal?!

 

RYAN: How does saying our middle names make it any clearer?

 

MICHELLE: I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t another Ryan Donahue or another Sarah Blumenthal.

 

RYAN: The intervention should have everything, cake, balloons, horsey rides-

 

BRENNAN: Sounds like a birthday party.

 

RYAN: Shit, okay, scratch that!

 

MICHELLE: For like an eight year old though.

 

RYAN: I said scratch it! Let’s just brainstorm ideas for the intervention.

 

MICHAEL: Maybe if we made her quit the way my dad made me quit smoking, make her guzzle an entire bag of sugar!

 

RYAN: Why would guzzling an entire bag of sugar make you quit smoking?

 

MICHAEL: No, I mean like, he made me smoke an entire pack of-c’mon, context clues, Donahue!
 

RYAN: Any ideas that won’t give Sarah a heart attack?

 

MICHELLE: Besides you breaking up with her?

 

RYAN: Trust me, she’d have cardiac arrest of the vagina if that happened.

 

MICHELLE: Ew.

 

BRENNAN: I guess we should just tell her we care about her and then try to set down a rigorous detox plan.

 

RYAN: I like it! Now we’re cooking with gas! Any more ideas?

 

MICHELLE: I don’t think we’re going to get better ideas than that-

 

MICHAEL: Burn down Ben and Jerry’s headquarters!

 

RYAN: I LIKE IT MORE!

 

(Cut to Ryan, Michelle, Michael, Brennan, Amy and Irville sitting in the Blumenthal living room)

 

AMY: And then I reluctantly allowed Irv to keep his rat friends upstairs, provided they’re caged up and only get to watch an hour of television a night!
 

IRVILLE: She keeps me on a tight leash!

 

RYAN: Hmm.

 

(Sarah walks in wearing a band t-shirt and track pants)

 

SARAH: Wait, what’s going on here?

 

RYAN: I guess there will be track pants, Sarah, have a seat.

 

SARAH: Not until I know why Irville is here!

 

IRVILLE: She usually has me hide before she gets home because she’s still easing into being able to stand the sight of my face.

 

MICHELLE: Please, Sarah, have a seat.

 

SARAH: Is this Dateline? Where’s Chris Handsome?

 

RYAN: That’s not his name, please, have a seat!

 

(Sarah sits down in an armchair)

 

SARAH: What the hell is going on?

 

AMY: Sarah, we’re here because we love you and we can’t stand to see you abusing baking soda-

 

IRVILLE: Sugar, sweetheart.

 

AMY: Sugar I said.

 

RYAN: The inordinate amount of sugar you’re consuming is slowly killing you, Sar-bear.

 

MICHAEL: According to a 1982 study, diabetes kills a million people a year globally.

 

RYAN: Wow, you couldn’t have gotten a more recent study?

 

IRVILLE: I know my opinion doesn’t matter much-

 

SARAH: It doesn’t.

 

IRVILLE: Right, but you can’t find happiness in a Skittle! You can’t find fulfillment in your next fix of that Brazilian powder, for Gosh’s sakes, Sarah!

 

RYAN: You’ll find yourself desperately snorting sugar glass at LA movie sets just to keep yourself going! That is why we are suggesting you detox by limiting yourself to one soda a week, one bag and/or piece of candy a week and replacing your sugar consumption with vegetables, because if you’re going to be a vegetarian, you might as well eat vegetables. Is this a deal?

 

SARAH: …Are you guys fucking kidding me?

 

AMY: Sarah Leland Blumenthal!

 

SARAH: No, I’m serious! You could’ve done this with anybody, but you decided to let my prescription drug addict loser boyfriend lead the operation?

 

RYAN: Sarah!

 

SARAH: NO! Does nobody else see how much bullshit this is?!

 

MICHELLE: Ryan, you’re addicted to prescription drugs?!

 

RYAN: No, I’m not-

 

SARAH: YES! He is! Seroquel! He zonks himself out on that shit!

 

RYAN: THIS ISN’T ABOUT ME! IT’S ABOUT YOU! (Ryan puts his hands on Sarah’s shoulders) This is for you! For your health! I want you to be healthy because I can’t and won’t live without you!
 

SARAH: FINE! Then kick Seroquel!

 

RYAN: …Um…

 

SARAH: Ryan!?

 

RYAN: Sarah, that’s a separate conversation-

 

SARAH: NO! It’s a condition!

 

(Ryan looks down in despair for a few seconds and then Sarah shakes Ryan’s hands from her shoulders, and they fall limply by his side and she storms out of the house, leaving everyone without words for a few seconds)

 

AMY: …I’m gonna make pancakes, you guys want some?

 

BRENNAN: I’ll take one.

 

(Cut to Kimberly, Ethan, Ryan and Jacob at Schmageggi’s for Kimberly’s birthday dinner. Ethan is wearing a suit and Kimberly, a dress while Ryan and Jacob are in normal clothes)

 

ETHAN: So, Mayor Sarandon comes in one day, drunk as scroll buttons as the day is long, proposing this idea to arm traffic lights to shoot UFOs from the sky to protect the government’s secrets.

 

(They all laugh)

 

KIMBERLY: I guess we know what the next thing Edward Snowden has in his repository of secrets.

 

(They laugh)

 

RYAN: Wouldn’t everybody see that?

 

ETHAN: That’s the best part! He proposes having the red lights squint at you to intimidate the driver into secrecy!

 

(They all laugh again as Keith Rohrabacher, the waiter, walks over)

 

KEITH: Is everything all right over here?

 

ETHAN: Holy shit, it’s you.

 

RYAN: You’re that crazy neurotic dude who thinks everybody’s tacitly insulting you.

 

KEITH: No, I’m just a waiter, sir.

 

RYAN: I thought you were the night guardsman at an Elementary School playground.

 

KEITH: I was, but my boss made a snipe at me so I quit.

 

KIMBERLY: Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. Anyway, could I get some more wine?

 

KEITH: Yes ma’am.

 

(Keith takes her glass and walks away)

 

RYAN: I guess he’s improving.

 

KIMBERLY: Anyway, I have um…a birthday favor to ask your father.

 

JACOB: I guess we should go to the McDonald’s in this restaurant.

 

RYAN: I don’t think there is one, that would make no sense.

 

KIMBERLY: It’s fine, you guys can stay here. Ethan, my business has been expanding recently, and I need a place where I can-

 

ETHAN: Kimmy, are you sure you want to talk about this now? It’s your birthday dinner, not a place for business.

 

KIMBERLY: …You were just talking about Mayor Sarandon.

 

ETHAN: Yeah, a funny story!

 

KIMBERLY: Oh, trust me! My story’s a goddamn riot! My story is that I can’t focus when my office is the same place Ryan’s band practices playing the same riff for forty minutes-

 

RYAN: It’s a metal musac think we’re doing-

 

KIMBERLY: Or the same place you’re constantly working from home!

 

ETHAN: I do not work THAT much from home!
 

KIMBERLY: I have to make you sit down for an hour every Sunday because you won’t stop working!

 

ETHAN: I hate that hour, too.

 

KIMBERLY: We’ve found an office in a Hansbay office park, the cost is 1,825 dollars and obviously, we can’t afford it, but if you were willing to make that investment in my sanity, I would be very grateful.

 

ETHAN: …Whatever makes you less stressed, I suppose.

 

(Ethan takes out a check book and a pen)

 

KIMBERLY: Oh, thank you.

 

JACOB: Who carries around check books anymore?

 

ETHAN: Who do I make it out to?

 

(Kimberly smiles)

 

KIMBERLY: Nobody, I have a debit swiper right here.

 

(Kimberly takes out a debit swipe machine)

 

ETHAN: Oh, okay.

 

(Ethan puts his check book away and takes out his debit card)

 

JACOB: See?

 

(Cut to Kimberly, Rob, Jamie and Mel standing in an empty office suite)

 

ROB: This place is pretty suite.

 

(Rob Chuckles)

 

MEL: Shuuut uuup!

 

KIMBERLY: I could definitely see myself working here.

 

(Rob walks over to a corner of the office)

 

ROB: Jamie, I could totally see you with a mop over here!
 

JAMIE: I’m not going to be the janitor!

 

ROB: I know, I’m just saying…

 

(Kimberly walks over to an adjoining office)

 

KIMBERLY: This is my office.

 

MEL: Where’s mine?

 

KIMBERLY: Figure it out.

 

(Rob walks over the other side of the office)

 

ROB: Jamie, I could see you with a broom over here!
 

(Cut to Madeline and Oliver on a panel at the Anorexia and Bulimia Prevention conference, along with several others in front of an audience in some ball room. There are microphones in front of each speaker)

 

OLIVER: We here at the New England Tech Young Democrats care about obesity, and which is why we applaud the Obama administration’s move to ban fatty foods and sugar-riddled drinks from public schools and perhaps send them over to Mexico, so we can continue to look thinner by comparison. (Applause) We also care about women’s health, which is why we oppose the impending passage of the draconian abortion bill in Texas. (More applause) Caring about obesity and women’s health are the two biggest reasons we care about the scourge of anorexia and bulimia, which disproportionately affects young women bombarded by televised images of what they should look like and constantly subjected to unrealistic expectations of beauty and marinated in a thick, creamy layer-(Madeline looks starving) of misogynistic superficiality. And we need to put a stop to it!
 

(Applause)

 

MIDDLE-AGED MALE PANELIST: Let’s hear from a woman about this very sensitive topic, shalt we? Madeline Donahue?

 

(Madeline, seemingly not paying attention, perks her head up)

 

MADELINE: Yes?

 

MALE PANELIST: Would you like to comment on the epidemic of anorexia or bulimia?

 

MADELINE: …Of course. My brother Ryan Donahue does not eat in front of other people. For years I did the same thing. Not eating in front of people is tantamount to half-starving yourself and while it’s not bulimia, it’s certainly borderline anorexia. So it doesn’t only affect women I guess is my message. In fact I would say that it... (Her eyes start closing) never affects…women…do I smell toast?

 

(Madeline passes out. Cut to Madeline and Oliver sitting on the couch in their apartment)

 

MADELINE: I feel so embarrassed.

 

OLIVER: You passed out on John Francesco’s lap, trust me, he thinks more of you.

 

MADELINE: How is that supposed to make me feel better?

 

OLIVER: Sorry. But why didn’t you tell me you weren’t eating?

 

MADELINE: Because I was also throwing up.

 

OLIVER: Jesus! You’re bulimic?!

 

(They both sit up and face each other)

 

MADELINE: Yes, okay?

 

OLIVER: Why?

 

MADELINE: All the things you said at the conference, society, TV, my mother, my father, all that bullshit-but also your friend Aedesh’s joke!

 

OLIVER: The one about the collective farmer’s daughter?

 

MADELINE: No, when he joked Councilman Merolla was referring to me when he said “fat bitches”.

 

OLIVER: Oh yeah, that was funny.

 

MADELINE: Not to me!
 

OLIVER: Of course. Well I’m sure I can arrange an apology or something.

 

MADELINE: No, that’s not what I want.

 

OLIVER: What do you want?

 

MADELINE: I want a dietician.

 

OLIVER: A dietician?! Madeline, those cost money!
 

MADELINE: My dad has money and we have good insurance. It covers acupuncture, chiropractic, spa treatments and other bullshit pseudoscience, like hypnosis.

 

OLIVER: You still have a desk there, don’t you?

 

MADELINE: I’m going to make a call!

 

(Madeline takes out her phone and calls Ethan. Cut to Ethan sitting in his bedroom while Kimberly is showering. Ethan picks up the phone)

 

ETHAN: Hello?

 

MADELINE: (On the phone) Hey dad, one dietician please!

 

ETHAN: What?

 

MADELINE: I want and need a dietician.

 

ETHAN: Well, if your mother sets up a dietician…store, then you’ll know where to go, thanks to me.

 

(Ethan hangs up. Cut to black)

 

THE END


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