The Donahues Episode 111

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Mayor Sarandon must hire someone to solve the raccoon problem in Hansbay, Madeline witnesses something she cannot un-see and Michelle revisits a familiar face with a unique problem







“When the warmth blossomed from my cheek, I could almost feel the shift in the future. Tears stained pink no longer meant happiness, and the pink stain was no longer metaphoric. With four arms and two shovels I can dig my way faster. I can bury those notions up top and then bury my fears down deep”

  • Elizabeth Kudebeh


(We start with Kimberly and Ryan sitting in the living room in silence. Ten second pass)


RYAN: When is this guy coming?


KIMBERLY: Soon enough! He’s the best in this county.


RYAN: Just make sure he’s not wearing a wire.


KIMBERLY: What he’s doing isn’t illegal.


RYAN: But raccoons are so cute though!


KIMBERLY: How?! They’re dirty, disease-ridden vermin from another dimension.


RYAN: Yeah, anime! Do you know why Japan has a raccoon problem? Because in the 1970s there was an anime character called Rascal the raccoon, so Japan imported them as pets to satiate the popularity of the creature and then BOOM! They were discarded or ran away and since Raccoons have no natural enemies in Japan, just like old people, they managed to become a huge pestilence and damage Japanese temples and agricultural product, 160 million yen’s worth of damage, which explains why in the anime I’m currently watching, Staniel Cauliflower’s main enemy is emptying all the major trash cans of the world and chewing through his mobile suit.


KIMBERLY: You lost me at “anime”.


RYAN: Well, I managed to keep your attention for long enough then.


(Ryan closes his eyes, smiles and puts two peace signs in the air while tilting his head. Then, the doorbell rings)


KIMBERLY: He’s here!


(Ryan and Kimberly go to the door and Kimberly opens it to see a thin man with short dirty blonde hair in a brown uniform)


MAN: Hello.


KIMBERLY: Hello, sir. What’s your name?


MAN: I’m Vern Bridenstine., at your service.


KIMBERLY: That’s a hell of a moniker.


VERN: Oh, well, thanks, I, uh, guess you can thank good genetics.


KIMBERLY: …Yes. Anyway, come in.


(Vern comes in)


RYAN: So follow us to where the trouble spot is.


(Ryan, Kimberly and Vern walk upstairs and into the hallway outside of Ryan’s room. Kimberly pulls down the attic door and the ladder)


KIMBERLY: There’s a raccoon up there that’s been giving us all sorts of trouble.


VERN: A lady like you deserves better. Let me check it out.


(Vern takes out a flash light and goes up into the attic as Kimberly and Ryan look up)


RYAN: We could, just, close the door on him right now.


KIMBERLY: Why would we do that?


RYAN: He could fend for himself against that raccoon until it’s dead!


KIMBERLY: We’re not going to do that!


RYAN: Just do it.



RYAN: Fine, I’ll do it.


(Ryan goes for the ladder but Kimberly pulls him back)


KIMBERLY: What is wrong with you?!


(Jacob walks over)


JACOB: What’s going on over here?


RYAN: This Vern guy is trying to get a raccoon out of our attic.


VERN: I do see evidence of Raccoon droppings! Also, Raccoon graffiti!


KIMBERLY: Come again?!


VERN: Hey! My moniker hasn’t cum once!


KIMBERLY: Pardon?!


VERN: There’s a lot of raccoon shit up here!




RYAN: Does he think moniker means penis?


JACOB: Anyway, I am going to my girlfriend’s house.


RYAN: You guys are really still together?


JACOB: …Technically. But we still post passive aggressive tweets indirectly targeted towards each other. Like this one, (Jacob takes out his phone and looks at it) “Some people never learn revenge is poisonous”.


KIMBERLY: Jesus, care to not have your arguments in such a public arena?


RYAN: We all do it, mom! We want people to know our relationships suck. Of course, mine doesn’t. Jacob’s does, though.


JACOB: Then there’s this one, “I don’t know why you insist on being a bitch. Jordan”.


RYAN: That’s pretty direct, actually.


(Vern comes down the ladder with a fly swatter in hand)


VERN: Those bastards are quick. Just like this moniker.


RYAN: Moniker doesn’t mean penis!


(Cut to Madeline in a 7-11 holding a glass Starbucks drink behind a middle-aged biker in line for the cashier. The biker is buying alcohol)


CASHIER: Hey bro, you want a brownie? They’re only a dollar and they’re super freaking good!


(Biker scoffs)




CASHIER: Are you sure, man? Like are you, positive?


BIKER: Stop talking to me.


CASHIER: Alright. (He rings up the alcohol) 4.50. (The biker hands him the money and he leaves with the alcohol as Madeline walks up the counter) WANT YOUR RECIEPT?! AND A GODDAMN BROWNIE?!


MADELINE: He’s obviously too badass for a brownie.


CASHIER: Do you want a brownie?


MADELINE: I’m okay.


CASHIER: They are fucking dope, though!

MADELINE: Do they have drugs in them?


CASHIER: So many!


MADELINE: …Okay, I’ll take one.


(Cashier reaches under the counter and pulls out a brownie in a 7-11 wrapper. The cashier rings both items up)


CASHIER: Three dollars.


(Madeline swipes a card and then puts in her pin and then the cashier hands her the receipt)




CASHIER: Have a fun day.


(Madeline walks out of the 7-11 to see an SUV. In the back of said SUV are what appears to be two men having anal sex. Madeline widens her eyes and drops her brownie and drink, which breaks)


MADELINE: Professor Hauser?!


(Cut to Madeline speaking to a Warwick Police detective with a mustache)


DETECTIVE WITTMAN: Hi, I’m Detective Bishop Wittman with the Warwick police department’s butt sex division.


MADELINE: There’s no way that’s a real department!


DETECTIVE WITTMAN: I’m asking the questions here!


MADELINE: I didn’t ask a question!


DETECTIVE WITTMAN: So we’ve received a report of public indecency?


MADELINE: Yes, I saw two men having vigorous anal sex in the back of an SUV.




(The detective takes off his sun glasses and stares pensively into the sun)


MADELINE: Wow, stop staring into the sun! That’s really dangerous!


(Detective Wittman looks at Madeline and puts his sunglasses back on)


DETECTIVE WITTMAN: Ma’am, Mayor Avedisian is waging a war on public butt sex.


MADELINE: Is that enough of a problem to warrant a war?


DETECTIVE WITTMAN: Absolutely! Do you want this to happen again!? Now tell me, can you identify the dirty doers of deeds unspoken?


MADELINE: You’ve done nothing but explicitly say butt sex since you’ve gotten here, how are they “deeds unspoken”?!


DETECTIVE WITTMAN: Do you know who did it or not, missy?


MADELINE: I, uh…don’t.


DETECTIVE WITTMAN: I can tell you’re hiding something.


MADELINE: You can?


DETECTIVE WITTMAN: Yeah, Taylor Swift tickets in your purse.


MADELINE: Jesus, those aren’t mine, those are…Taylor Swift’s.


DETECTIVE WITTMAN: I can also yell you’re hiding the identity of one, both or three of the perpetrators.


MADELINE: There were only two.




MADELINE: And…yes, I may have known one. But I don’t know if I should say.


DETECTIVE WITTMAN: Protecting public fornicators is not becoming of a young lady.


MADELINE: I don’t think it’s exclusively unbecoming to us, but fine, it was my former professor Doctor Hauser.


(He takes out his notebook and pen)




MADELINE: Doctor Ulysses Hauser.


DETECTIVE WITTMAN: His name isn’t on this list of suspects, are you sure it wasn’t Odysseus Hauser?


MADELINE: You had a list of suspects?


DETECTIVE WITTMAN: Yeah, I always do.


MADELINE: Well, it’s none of them! One of them is Ulysses Hauser, I know that for a fact.


DETECTIVE WITTMAN: Well I have boxes to check and he’s not one of them.


MADELINE: You’re…bad at this.


DETECTIVE WITTMAN: Fine, I guess I’ll make a new box. (He makes a new box and writes “Ulysses Hauser”) Now, was his male participant Coco Idlewood, Razzberry Rockport or Blueberry Quail?


MADELINE: I don’t know!


DETECTIVE WITTMAN: Shit, those are porn names from my office, never mind.


(Cut to Michelle laying on her bed, listening to music on skull candy from her laptop)


MICHELLE: Oh, my God, I so wish I could like Alanis Morissette!  (Michelle hears a loud, singular thud against her front door and she takes off her skull candy) What the hell? (Michelle goes to the front door and opens it to see Delaware wearing a lip ring, a tank top, a beanie and skinny jeans) Delaware?!


DELAWARE: Now you see me, now you don’t!


MICHELLE: I still see you! Unfortunately! What are you doing here?!


DELAWARE: I was just diagnosed with schizophrenia!






MICHELLE: God, I’m, so, so sorry.


DELAWARE: I bet you feel bad now, huh?




DELAWARE: Can I come in?


MICHELLE: Sure. (Delaware comes in and they both go in Michelle’s room and sit down) So what happened?


DELAWARE: Well, I noticed recently that I’ve become irritable, socially withdrawn, clumsy, anxious, I hear voices that tell me to stop listening to them, and then I hear another voice telling me to start listening to that other voice.


MICHELLE: Jesus. So then you went to a doctor?


DELAWARE: Technically, yes, I broke into a doctor’s house and woke him up.


MICHELLE: Holy shit, why?


DELAWARE: It was the middle of the night and the hallucinations were just too much. But so are healthcare premiums! Am I right?!


MICHELLE: Aren’t you on your parents’ healthcare plan?


DELAWARE: They don’t talk to me anymore. Well, not directly anyway.


MICHELLE: What do you mean?


DELAWARE: I mean, they leave voicemails, but we don’t talk on the phone.


MICHELLE: It sounds like you’re just avoiding their calls…


DELAWARE: Yep. I’m living with a friend.




DELAWARE: A good one.


MICHELLE: Who is it?


DELAWARE: I haven’t named him yet, listen, I came here because while I’m struggling with this affliction, I couldn’t imagine going through it without you.


MICHELLE: I see. Aren’t you on medication?


DELAWARE: Yeah, they give me these anti-psychotics. Abilify, Zyprexa and Seroquel.


MICHELLE: Seroquel, that’s what Ryan takes.


DELAWARE: He takes a pussy dose, though. This shit is 300 milligrams.


MICHELLE: But Ryan doesn’t have schizophrenia!


DELAWARE: Delaware does! Ryan has anxiety, which is babby crap. It’s all in his head!

MICHELLE: And where is schizophrenia?


DELAWARE: It’s crawling in my goddamn skin! Isn’t that right, voices?! One of them’s asleep right now. He snores. (Delaware chuckles) I tried to put one of those nasal strips on my brain, but, I just tore it off a few hours later and wandered who had put it there. (He looks at Michelle with watery, beady eyes) I’m a fucking wreck, Michelle. And being with you is the last time I remember feeling like a good person. Where are your parents?


MICHELLE: They’re out protesting against Pope Francis’ comments on acceptance of gay priests.


DELAWARE: Perfect.


(Delaware starts making out with Michelle and they both start making out and they eventually strip down clothing and start Delaware is about to take off his pants as Michelle is on her bed in her bra and panties)




(He stops)




MICHELLE: Are you sure we should do this?


DELAWARE: Michelle, I have schizophrenia!


MICHELLE: …Okay. (Delaware takes off his pants and underwear, Michelle takes off her bra and panties and they start having vaginal sex. Cut to them lying next to each other after sex. Delaware is smoking a cigarette) I didn’t know you smoked.


DELAWARE: I took it up as a way to cope with the schizophrenia.


MICHELLE: Even if you have to deal with cancer later?


(Delaware chuckles)


DELAWARE: Oh, Michelle. You were always so cautious.


(Delaware sits up and sits on the side of the bed. Michelle also sits up)


MICHELLE: You know, I’ve read that marijuana and drug use in general can exacerbate your chances of developing schizophrenia.


DELAWARE: But those are the only ways I can cope! That, and exacerbating.

MICHELLE: Exacerbating and masturbating don’t mean the same thing.


DELAWARE: Did you enjoy my moniker?


MICHELLE: Delaware, your drug use caused it and is now making it worse! You don’t want that to happen, right?


DELAWARE: You’re saying you care about me.


MICHELLE: Well, of course! Just because I broke up with you doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.


DELAWARE: Have you dated since?


MICHELLE: Not really. Although I did have this one weird encounter…


(Cut to June 7, 2013.  Michelle is getting the mail from her mail box when some dude about her age with brown hair walks up)


KID: Hey, I’m Charles. I just moved in across the street.


MICHELLE: Hi. I’m Michelle, nice to meet you.


(They shake hands)


CHARLES: So, do you want me to come inside and offer you coffee?


MICHELLE: …You want to come inside my house and offer me my own coffee?


CHARLES: That’s correct.


(Cut back to the present)


MICHELLE: Whoa, I had a total Family Guy moment there.


DELAWARE: How did you get that guy away from you?


MICHELLE: I kept loudly mentioning my boyfriend and once that didn’t work I let him make me coffee and I gave him the number of someone who would give him a handjob.




MICHELLE: Why does it matter?


DELAWARE: I might know her.


MICHELLE: Yeah, I bet.


DELAWARE: Well, I’ve been awfully forlorn these last few months. Sure, I have this kid with Asperger’s who plays in my band and sells me drugs, but I haven’t had anything but flings since we broke up.


MICHELLE: We’re both love-deprived. We both don’t get any real love from our parents.


DELAWARE: You can say that again.


(Delaware’s phone rings and he picks it up and rejects the call)


MICHELLE: Who was that?


DELAWARE: My mom. Anyway, you’re right. We need each other right now.


MICHELLE: I didn’t say that.


DELAWARE: But you know it. How about us two again, huh kid?


MICHELLE: …You do have schizophrenia.


DELAWARE: Both of us do.


MICHELLE: I don’t have schizophrenia-


DELAWARE: I was talking about myself.


(Cut to Mayor Sarandon in his office watching the news with Patrick White and Fiona Cadbury)


PATRICK WHITE: After Edward Snowden applied for asylum in Russia via a handwritten request on paper and on the walls of Russian airport bathrooms, the United States House of Representatives narrowly rejected a bill that would apply restrictions to the PRISM program. A coalition of House liberals and conservative supported the bill, but with the opposition of President Obama, Speaker Boehner, the Illuminati, Michelle Bachmann, Edward Snowden’s evil twin Wario and once again, Michelle Bachmann, the bill was defeated. This, of course, wasted the only opportunity for Democrats and Republicans to come together until they unite once again in 2025 to resolve the problem of human-Kaiju marriage.


(Ethan and Evan come in)


ETHAN: What are you doing?!


MAYOR SARANDON: What? I’m watching Congress be bad at their jobs.


ETHAN: You realize we’re at crisis level when it comes to the raccoon problem?


MAYOR SARANDON: Why didn’t I hear the beep?


EVAN: What beep?


MAYOR SARANDON: When we grow up a crisis level isn’t there a beep?


ETHAN: BEEP! It’s here! Are you aware that raccoons are parading around this city in gangs? They control a major part of downtown Hansbay, they’re delivering drugs to kids as young as twelve and they’re running prostitution rings!


MAYOR SARANDON: At least they’re not running their careers into the ground! Have you seen this Anthony Weiner motherfucker?


EVAN: I do not want to have the daily Anthony Weiner conversation right now!


MAYOR SARANDON: He’s in fourth place, his campaign manager jumped ship, revelations are coming that he paid 45,000 dollars for a private investigator to investigate who tweeted the dick pic that he himself tweeted, I mean, this guy is incorrigible!


ETHAN: I would imagine that Private Investigator’s journal entry that day was pretty short, I bet it was like, “June 1, 2011. I caught the culprit of Anthony Weiner’s dick pic from an anonymous tip, which was followed by a shaft and then I followed the happy trail up to the face of the culprit. Case closed”


(Ethan and Mayor Sarandon laugh while Evan rolls his eyes)


MAYOR SARANDON: This guy is so insecure! He asked these women if they thought he was pathetic, which they should’ve answered with an emphatic HELL YES! Plus now he’s getting angry with everybody that we’re so pissed that he can’t seem to stop flashing random women on the internet, like, we didn’t bring this up!


ETHAN: He’s like a guy who brings a picture of his dick to a dinner party, hangs it around his neck and then expects people not to talk about it. I’d hate to see what Times Square billboards will look like if he’s elected.


MAYOR SARANDON: You won’t need to worry about that.


EVAN: I’m not going to point out the inherent irony in this conversation, but I will redirect it back to the topic at hand, RACCOONS!


MAYOR SARANDON: Send me the inherent irony in a text.


ETHAN: Focus!


MAYOR SARANDON: Okay. Well, how do we solve raccoons?


ETHAN: I don’t know, they don’t have many natural predators in this area.


MAYOR SARANDON: We’re their natural predators! Let animal control solve it.


ETHAN: There’s not enough of them. We’re going to need outside help.


(Paul Donahue pokes his head in)


PAUL: I’m going out for a Cane’s Chicken run, is anyone on board?


MAYOR SARANDON: First of all, yes, second of all, do you know anyone who can kill a lot of raccoons?


(Paul comes in)


PAUL: I do.




PAUL: They call him the Raccoon Hunter.


EVAN: Where’d they come up with that gem?


PAUL: He can kill raccoons in droves, and he has. The German government used to employ him to do away with such vermin when they had a problem with them.


MAYOR SARANDON: I don’t know how legit this is, but I do want to see someone who calls themselves a raccoon hunter.


EVAN: I second that.


ETHAN: I don’t know if it’s a good idea.


MAYOR SARANDON: That’s three votes! Go get him, Paul!


PAUL: Yes sir!


MAYOR SARANDON: First Cane’s Chicken, then Raccoon Hunter.


PAUL: Yep!

(Paul speeds off)


ETHAN: Oh, Jesus.


(Cut to Mayor Sarandon, having just finished Cane’s Chicken, with Ethan and Evan sitting on his desk on opposite sides and Paul standing beside him. In front of his desk is a German man in his mid-eighties with a beard, a military vest, combat pants, bullets strung around him and a variety of poisons and weapons in his vest)


MAYOR SARANDON: Are you Gunter?


GUNTER: (German accent) Yes, I am. But you can call me the Raccoon hunter.


ETHAN: You’re a little a lot older than I thought you would be, are you sure you’re physically fit enough to pursue this mission?


GUNTER: My heart may be eighty-six but my guts are a thousand strong.


EVAN: You’re eighty-six?!

PAUL: Don’t worry, he’s the best. Age is immaterial.


MAYOR SARANDON: What makes you want to do this though? Hunt raccoons?


GUNTER: Raccoons are greedy and money-grubbing with their big noses and their love of trash can Chinese food and they’re very judgmental when you’re strangling them.


ETHAN: Okay, I’m a teensy bit concerned about his age, actually. I mean, how is he still ambulatory? Where did you even find this guy?


PAUL: We met eight years ago when I hired him to get rid of the rats I had trapped in the backyard. I had originally intended for them to become my pets, but they kept birthing babies too quickly and giving me Hantavirus. So I ordered the hit out on them.


GUNTER: That’s when I came in.


MAYOR SARANDON: Right, but what did you do before you became a raccoon hunter? I mean, is it possible you’ve been doing this for nearly seventy years?


GUNTER: I, um, did have another profession before the one I have now.


ETHAN: And that is…?


GUNTER: Well…I can’t really say.


MAYOR SARANDON: Wait a minute, you look familiar.


(Cut to Madeline talking to Professor Hauser in his classroom)


PROFESSOR HAUSER: What the hell, Madeline?!

MADELINE: What the hell? You’re asking “what the hell” when you were fornicating publically?! I didn’t even know you were gay!


PROFESSOR HAUSER: I teach an interior design class for Christ’s sakes, connect the dots.


MADELINE: Well, you can’t blame me for this! I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and you were in a much more wrong place.


PROFESSOR HAUSER: Homophobe! The day that the Pope says that gay is okay and now I have the Warwick police on my ass, and not in the good way, plus now once the college finds out I’ll be fired, and not in the good way.


MADELINE: How is there a good way for that? Listen, I’m sorry your poor decisions made this happen to you, but I don’t have time to argue.


(Madeline walks out of the class room. Cut to Professor Hauser walking up to his apartment door. He puts his key in the door, when he realizes it’s unlocked. He then opens the door to see Detective Wittman)




DETECTIVE WITTMAN: It should be very clear, Professor. Mayor Avedisian is eager to make an example out of somebody in his war on butt sex.


PROFESSOR HAUSER: I was already arrested and bailed out of jail, alright?! You have no right to be here!

DETECTIVE WITTMAN: Oh really? What do we have here, then? (Detective Wittman picks up a grocery bag and takes out a DVD and looks at it) Kiddy movies, (he takes out a candy bar) a candy bar that literally says “candy bar” on it.


(He puts both things back in the bag)


PROFESSOR HAUSER: What the hell are you talking about?! I don’t have any kiddy movies!

(Detective Wittman takes out Cars 2)


DETECTIVE WITTMAN: Really man? Cars 2? C’mon, that ought to be a death penalty offense.


PROFESSOR HAUSER: There’s nothing illegal about it though!


DETECTIVE WITTMAN: Fine. Carry on then. But you’re going to be charged very soon.


(Detective Wittman puts everything down and leaves Hauser’s apartment)




(Cut to Madeline watching the news with Bruce Kallen in her apartment)


BRUCE KALLEN: Goldman Sachs has come under fire recently for a commodity-hoarding scheme. Apparently it is illegal to hoard commodities so as to artificially inflate the price and then bet on future prices, Goldman Sachs has found a loophole which says as long as they continually move large amounts of aluminum between two warehouses, they’re not technically hoarding, but it still allows them to artificially inflate the price so they can bet on future aluminum prices. Five members of the Senate Banking Subcommittee on Tuesday lectured Goldman Sachs executives over their involvement in the scheme and afterwards the Goldman Sachs executives hopped back on their pure aluminum planes and went back to their completely Reynolds wrapped mansions. In other news, a professor was arrested yesterday for public fornication after being seen having anal sex in the back of an SUV. He has been subsequently fired and will soon be charged. And it’s all your fault.




BRUCE: Sorry, my camera man was the dude Professor Hauser was having sex with.


MADELINE: Oh. Thank God, I thought I was going crazy.


BRUCE: In other news, you’re going crazy.


MADELINE: Oh, fuck. (Madeline turns off the news and puts her head in her hands) I could really use Oliver right now.


(Cut to Oliver parking his car on a neighborhood street in Grapevine, Texas. He gets out of his car and takes off his sun glasses and looks at a house labeled “2101”)


OLIVER: Home sweet someone else’s home. I should ask for directions.


 (Oliver walks up to the front door and rings the doorbell. A kid with auburn red hair and black-brimmed glasses named Sean answers)


SEAN: Can I help you?


OLIVER: Yes, I’m Oliver, I was wondering how do I get to Austin from here?


SEAN: Where are you coming from?


OLIVER: I’m from Rhode Island.


SEAN: Wow, that’s uh, that’s a ways away. You drove from Rhode Island to here?


OLIVER: I couldn’t afford a plane.


SEAN: Yeah, they’re like six million dollars.


OLIVER: No, I mean, I couldn’t afford a plane ticket.


SEAN: Jesus! You’re definitely in the wrong place then, Mulvaney.


OLIVER: How do you know my last name?


SEAN: Is that your last name? Huh, that’s weird, I just kind of figured it was. Anyway, poor timer, Austin is a little over three hours from here.


OLIVER: Okay, but my car’s engine is eating itself for fuel.


SEAN: Well then, I can’t help you. Why did you come down from Rhode Island to Texas anyway?


OLIVER: To join the liberal revolution, bro! Rhode Island is already so liberal, I figured it’d be fun to turn a red state blue for a change.


SEAN: Well, hell, there’s the Young Democrats of America convention in San Antonio starting August 8th that you could come to.


OLIVER: Really?


SEAN: Yeah. How old are you?


OLIVER: I’m twenty!


SEAN: I’m seventeen! It’s perfect!


OLIVER: Who’s all going to be there?


SEAN: Wendy Davis-


OLIVER: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!


(They both scream in excitement)


SEAN: Um, Mrs. Pelosi-




SEAN: No, Christine Pelosi, discount Pelosi.


OLIVER: Good enough!  How are you getting there?


SEAN: My sister Roxie and her boyfriend Anthony are driving me.


OLIVER: Cool, I’ll follow you guys. But I don’t have any place to stay in the meantime.


SEAN: I would let you stay here, but I don’t know you well enough.


OLIVER: Remember? I was behind Duplicit!


SEAN: Oh yeah! I trust you! Come in!


OLIVER: That enterprise’s back bone was deceit-




(Cut to Madeline talking on the phone with Ryan in her apartment)


MADELINE: And now I feel guilty, but I know I shouldn’t!


(Cut to Ryan on the phone in his car while Sarah is giving him head. He has wide eyes)


RYAN: Yeah! Public fornication is awful, I have to go Madeline!


(Ryan hangs up and Sarah lifts her head)


SARAH: Why even answer the phone?


(Cut to Madeline on her bed looking at her phone. She throws the phone across the room and the screen cracks)


MADELINE: Shit. Third cracked screen this month alone. I guess I’ll just wear it as a badge of honor.


(She sinks into her bed. Cut to Ryan and Sarah getting out of Ryan’s car)


RYAN: Thanks for that.


SARAH: Yeah.


(They walk along. Cut to Ryan and Sarah arriving at Hansbay Town Center at night. There is a bike parked near the fountain)


RYAN: It’s another beautiful summer night in Hansbay.


SARAH: Not really, I think they put down new mulch.


RYAN: Either that or God is dead.


SARAH: It’s probably both.


(Michelle and Delaware walk up to Ryan and Sarah. This time, Delaware is wearing a cut-off “My Little Pony” shirt, skinny jeans and a beanie)


MICHELLE: Oh. Did not expect to see you two here.


RYAN: Likewise. Delaware, how are you?


DELAWARE: Schizophrenic, how are you?


RYAN: Pardon?


DELAWARE: I was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia.


RYAN: Jesus. I’m, very, very sorry to hear that.


SARAH: Yeah, that’s awful.


DELAWARE: It is unfortunate, yes. But at least I have Michelle on my arm to…cannons.


RYAN: Sorry?


SARAH: Oh, you two are dating again?


RYAN: How did you get that out of what he said?


(Michelle ashamedly nods)


DELAWARE: Yes we are. Loud and proud. Because there is no “crippling loneliness” in the word “schizophrenia”. However, there are dragon eggs waiting in silenc.e


MICHELLE: We were about to go eat.


DELAWARE: Yes, of course. (Delaware looks towards the bike) Ooh! Bike share program!


(Delaware walks towards the bike)


MICHELLE: No, Delaware, that’s just someone’s bike!


(Delaware hops on the hike and rides it away)


DELAWARE: Catch me if you can!

(Michelle sighs)


SARAH: Sorry about your boyfriend.


RYAN: Your schizophrenic brony boyfriend, that is.


MICHELLE: Usually people are guilt tripped into relationships because of pregnancies, not because of hippocampal imbalances!


RYAN: If you don’t want to be in a relationship with him, then don’t! His girlfriend will be a 67-year old lady in a white hat soon enough anyway.


MICHELLE: I feel obligated because of his condition. Plus, the sex is great.


SARAH: Thanks for letting us know.


MICHELLE: Anyway, I should catch up with him. Are there any more bikes from that bike share program nearby?


RYAN: There is no bike share program in Hansbay!


MICHELLE: Shit, I hope schizophrenia isn’t contagious.


(Michelle runs away. Cut to Mayor Sarandon on his computer with Ethan and Evan looking from behind)


MAYOR SARANDON: Yep! I found it!


ETHAN: What?


MAYOR SARANDON: The recipe for baked Lays!


EVAN: No! About Gunter!


ETHAN: Why do you have “are cavities fatal?” in your search history?


MAYOR SARANDON: I found it! This dude’s real name is Enrich Bruzzeldorf, born in Austria in 1927, he’s wanted for the murders of dozens of Jews in the Treblinka Extermination camp in 1945!


ETHAN: Holy shit!


(Cut to Gunter handcuffed to a chair nearby)


ENRICH: Great, now can I be uncuffed from this chair please?!


EVAN: We just accused you of being involved in the largest worldwide extermination in human history!


(Pan to Paul handcuffed, with fuzzy handcuffs, to a chair near Gunter)


PAUL: Well, can I at least be uncuffed? Also, why the fuzzy handcuffs?


ETHAN: HEY! Those are standard, police-issued fuzzy handcuffs! But yeah, go ahead and uncuff him.


PAUL: Wow, you won’t even do it yourself, huh, little bro?


ETHAN: You know what, the sheer amount of times you handcuffed me to our great Dane’s collar when I was five, so he would drag me around, sort of justifies my treatment of you now. Don’t uncuff him.


PAUL: Why not?!


ETHAN: Because you brought a Nazi war criminal into Mayor Sarandon’s office!


PAUL: I brought him to justice!

ETHAN: I guess, but you didn’t know he was a Nazi war criminal!


PAUL: No one did!


MAYOR SARANDON: I did! I remember seeing him in a wanted poster a few years back, he fled to Vermont sixty-eight years ago and hid out…until now. We got him!


ETHAN: WOO! We got him!


(Ethan and Mayor Sarandon high-five and then Ethan and Evan high-five)


PAUL: You got him?! I brought him here!

ETHAN: Yeah, thinking he was some sort of Raccoon rapist.


ENRICH: That costs extra.


MAYOR SARANDON: So, should I call The Hague?


ETHAN: No, just call German authorities. We can extradite.


MAYOR SARANDON: Nah, I’ll just call German Chancellor Angela Merkel. We’re on good terms ever since we hooked up that one time when she was in the Bundestag.


ETHAN: Sorry, you had sex with the second most powerful person on Earth?


MAYOR SARANDON: That’s right! I was twenty-nine, she was thirty-six.


EVAN: What were you doing in Germany anyway?


MAYOR SARANDON: I was finding myself. Myself, and of course, German hookers. But then I found Angela. Hold on.


(Mayor Sarandon picks up the phone and dials in a number. Cut to German Chancellor Angela Merkel in her office, typing on her computer. She opens a drawer and finds two swastika cuff links)


CHANCELLOR MERKEL: Oh, das ist, wo Hitler’s Manschettenknöpfe ging.


(SUBTITLES: “Oh, that’s where Hitler’s cuff links went”)


(The phone rings. Chancellor Merkel puts the cuff links down and answers it)




MAYOR SARANDON: (On the phone) Hallo, meine süße deutsche Blume. Wie ist das völlige Fehlen von Sonnenlicht Behandlung Sie?


(SUBTITLES: “Helllo, my sweet German flower. How’s the complete lack of sunlight treating you?”)


(Cut to Mayor Sarandon on the phone in his office)


ETHAN: Twenty years and I had no idea he spoke German.


CHANCELLOR MERKEL: (On the phone) Brian Sarandon? Wo haben Sie in den letzten 23 Jahre gewesen? Du hast mich nackt in nichts als eine Decke in der Reeperbahn!


(SUBTITLES: “Brian Sarandon? Where have you been for the last twenty-three years?! You left me naked in nothing but a blanket in the Reeperbauhn!”)


MAYOR SARANDON: Ja, leid, hatte ich vergessen, Ihre Kleider waren in meinem Rucksack. Aber es gibt viele halbnackte Menschen auf deutschen U-Bahnen, nicht wahr? Außerdem musste ich zurück nach Amerika zu gehen und schnell, weil du mich für ein Amt kandidieren inspiriert. Und jetzt bin ich in der höchsten, die ich je erreicht habe.


(SUBTITLES: “Yeah, sorry about that. But there are plenty of half-naked people on German subways, right? Plus, I had to go back to America and quick, because you inspired me to run for office. And now I'm in the highest I've ever attained”)




(SUBTITLES: “President?”)


MAYOR SARANDON: Nun, nein. Angela, du weißt, ich bin nicht der Präsident, Sie haben den Präsidenten getroffen. Viele Male.


(SUBTITLES: “Well, no. Angela, you know I’m not the President. You’ve met the President. Many times”)


CHANCELLOR MERKEL: Vielleicht haben Sie die Hautfarbe im Laufe der Jahre verändert haben, wie Ihre Michael Jackson oder Ihre Eminem. Aber egal, was willst du? Da Sie über die beiden von uns vergessen, ich bin glücklich mit Joaquim verheiratet.


(SUBTITLES: “I thought you might have changed skin color over the years, like your Michael Jackson or your Eminem. But anyway, what do you want? Because you can forget about the two of us, I'm happily married to Joachim”)


MAYOR SARANDON: Nein, das ist es nicht. Ich habe gefangen, mit meinen bloßen Händen, eine 86 Jahre alte ehemalige Konzentrationslager Treblinka Mitarbeiter, verantwortlich für den Tod von Dutzenden von unschuldigen jüdischen Männern und Frauen ist. Sein Name? Enrich Bruzzeldorf.


(SUBTITLES: “No, it's not that. I have captured, with my bare hands, an eighty-six year old former Treblinka concentration camp employee who is responsible for the deaths of dozens of innocent Jewish men and women. His name? Enrich Bruzzeldorf”)


GERMAN CHANCELLOR: Sie fing Bruzzeldorf? Dass Hurensohn wurde auszuweichen unsere spitzen Hüten seit Jahren!


(SUBTITLES: “You caught Bruzzeldorf?! That son of a bitch has been evading our pointy hats for years!”)


MAYOR SARANDON: Yes, I will-hold on, sorry, Ja, ich werde über hun ass nach Berlin sofort auszuliefern. Guten Tag.


(SUBTITLES: “Yes, I will extradite his Hun ass to Berlin immediately. Good day”)


GERMAN CHANCELLOR: Brian, nach Berlin kommen, ich brauche dich.


(SUBTITLES: “Brian, come to Berlin, I need you”)


(Brian hangs up)




(Maria comes in)


MARIA: Yes sir?


MAYOR SARANDON: Please, extradite this Nazi war criminal to Berlin, please.




MARIA: Sir, I have no idea how to do that.


MAYOR SARANDON: It’s not that hard, Maria!  Look it up! Put him in regular cuffs, Evan.


(Evan uncuffs him from the chair and then cuffs his hands together and gives him to Maria. Maria shrugs and then leaves with him)


ETHAN: Are you sure we shouldn’t give her some direction?


MAYOR SARANDON: She’ll be fine. Now, what about this raccoon problem?


EVAN: We just caught a Nazi war criminal, and suddenly the raccoon problem is an issue again?


PAUL: Holy shit, can I be uncuffed?


(Ethan uncuffs Paul)


ETHAN: Got something to say, big brother?


PAUL: Yes! I can kill the raccoons in droves.




PAUL: Really! First of all, Gunter-I mean, Enrich taught me how-secondly, I have meth-like reflexes from my days as a meth fiend.


ETHAN: Is there anyone I know who doesn’t have an addiction?


MAYOR SARANDON: I don’t have an addiction.


ETHAN: Is there anyone I know who’s self-aware?


PAUL: Just give me a chance!


(Mayor Sarandon stands up)


MAYOR SARANDON: I want ONE HUNDRED Raccoon scalps by the end of the day!



ETHAN: I have a bad feeling about this.


EVAN: Alright, Shaggy.


(Cut to Paul walking through downtown Hansbay at night with a bow and arrow)


PAUL: I will see to it that these raccoon bastards get what’s coming for them! (A gang of raccoons run out of a back alley and look at Paul) What do we have here?! (Paul aims an arrow at the raccoons, but they scatter away as Paul runs towards them. He then looks down the alley to see a prostitute) Who are you?!


PROSTITUTE: Don’t kill my pimps! I needs ‘em to feed my childrens!


PAUL: You do realize that those are feral animals, right?


PROSTITUTE: Yeah, and I sex people up and in exchange, they bring me food from around the city for my childrens!

PAUL: Ew. (A raccoon runs towards Paul, shrieking. Paul aims the arrow and shoots it into the raccoon, killing him, and he lands dead on the ground) FUCK YEAH!

(A man walks over)


MAN: BRO! You just killed my dealer!


(Paul turns around)


PAUL: You’re meaning to tell me that, vermin was your dealer?


MAN: He stole heroin from this kid named Ashton and all I had to do was give him a gogurt tube! Cheapest heroin in the fuckin’ world!


PAUL: That’s it, it’s time to clean this city up.


(Paul runs down an alley.  Cut to a raccoon digging through a trash can in someone’s house. Suddenly, an arrow rips through him. Then cut to two raccoons wearing doo rags walking through a hole in the wall hotel, when suddenly, Paul casts a shadow over them and is holding his bow and arrow)


PAUL: Come play with me, raccoons. Forever. And ever. And ever. (The two raccoons shriek at him and run toward him and then Paul shoots one, misses the other. The other runs for the window but Paul runs towards it and shoots it as it goes out the window, falling to its death. He looks out the window and sees the dead raccoon landed on a hopscotch sidewalk thing and two girls are standing there, stunned) SORRY ABOUT THAT! CONTINUE ON!


(Cut to a mother raccoon carrying her baby in her mouth and then climbing into the top of a barn door. Then cut to Paul sitting on a roof with his bow and arrow)


PAUL: How adorable.


(Paul shoots an arrow at the raccoon, but the impact is not shown on screen. Cut to Madeline speaking to New England Tech President Richard Gouse in his office)


PRESIDENT GOUSE: So, you saw a disturbance in the back of Professor Hauser’s SUV?


MADELINE: Yeah, I would describe as a MAJOR disturbance.


PRESIDENT GOUSE: Now, was this disturbance, butt sexual in nature?


MADELINE: Jesus, I really wish I hadn’t seen this. Can I get put in the witness protection program or something?


PRESIDENT GOUSE: It’s okay, Madeline. Professor Hauser has been fired.


MADELINE: Didn’t he have tenure?


PRESIDENT GOUSE: Yeah, but I suspended it. I was tired of his elbow patch pajamas anyway. Good work, Maddie. (They both stand up) Through your sly detective work, we got a pervert out of this facility.


MADELINE: I didn’t go to 7-11 seeking out public fornicators.


(President Gouse shakes her hand)


PRESIDENT GOUSE: And yet, fate.


MADELINE: …Is that it?


PRESIDENT GOUSE: Yep. (President Gouse sits down) …that’ll be all.


MADELINE: Oh. Yes, of course.


(Madeline leaves and shuts the door behind her)


PRESIDENT GOUSE: That’ll be all, Maddie. (He looks up) Oh, where’d she go?


(Cut to Madeline walking through the school hallway, when suddenly, Duncan and Howard walk up to her)


DUNCAN: We just want you to know that you kicked out our FAVORITE professor!


MADELINE: I’m sorry, is the student body fond of flashers now?!


HOWARD: It was consensual!


MADELINE: I said flashers, not…rapists.

DUNCAN: It was beautiful, SUV love.


MADELINE It seemed more like SVU love.


HOWARD: I bet if it was three straight couples making SUV love, you’d be totally for it!


DUNCAN: I’d join in!


MADELINE: I really don’t have time for this, I’m sorry your pervert teacher was canned, though.


(She tries to walk but they stop her)


HOWARD: Do you think you’re the Nancy Drew of butt sex?! Madeline Donahue and the Secret of the old cock?!


MADELINE: Wow, juvenile.


(Duncan looks down at his hand)


DUNCAN: Nancy Drew and the Phantom of Anus.


MADELINE: Did you really write these down?!


(Duncan puts his hand behind his back)




HOWARD: Nancy Drew and the Alibi in Asses.




(Aedesh walks over)


AEDESH: Hey! Why are you accosting her?!


HOWARD: You should be mad at her too, Aedesh! She broke your best friend’s heart.


AEDESH: Oh, fuck off, you two.


(Madeline puts her hand over her eyes)


HOWARD: Anyway, see ya.


AEDESH: (Sarcastically) Yeah! Catch ya later, chill bros.


(Howard and Duncan walk away and Madeline wipes her eyes)


MADELINE: I’m fine.


AEDESH: Are you okay?


MADELINE: I said I’m fine!


AEDESH: Alright. Howard and Duncan are pricks, you know that. Did you know I once found them here late at night and Duncan had a fly hanging from his mouth?


MADELINE: Hmm-mm. Got it. Bye, Aedesh.


(Madeline walks away and Aedesh looks disappointed. Cut to Paul walking into Mayor Sarandon’s office holding a bag labeled “pecans”)


PAUL: Here are the raccoon scalps you ordered.


MAYOR SARANDON: Awesome! But where’s my pizza?


PAUL: The pizza guy left once he smelled the raccoon scalps.


MAYOR SARANDON: Well, I can’t say I blame him. But let me see if those are actual raccoon scalps- (Paul shows him the inside of the bag) my god, those are raccoon scalps.


(Ethan walks in with papers)


ETHAN: Hey, Chancellor Merkel just called me- oh my God, it smells like Grandma’s garbage in here.


MAYOR SARANDON: Why would grandma’s garbage smell any worse than normal garbage?


PAUL: I got his raccoon scalps.


ETHAN: For real?


MAYOR SARANDON: Uh-huh. Good job, Paul. I’m promoting you to- (Mayor Sarandon stands up) to Chief Raccoon Control coordinator director…coordinator.


PAUL: It’s an honor, sir!

(Mayor Sarandon and Paul shake hands and then ungrasp)


ETHAN: How is that a promotion?!


PAUL: You just don’t want to admit I’m good at something, little bro!


ETHAN: Congratulations, you can kill raccoons as well as you can kill mom’s spirit.


(Ethan turns around to leave the room, when suddenly, Delaware enters frantically)


DELAWARE: I HEARD SOMEONE KILLED AND SCALPED MY DEALER!! IT WAS EITHER YOU! Or it may have been me! (He grabs his head) SHUT UP! Oh, he got quiet.  (He lets go of his head) Have any of you seen Rainbow Dash around here?


MAYOR SARANDON: Call the police.


(Cut to black)



Submitted: August 01, 2013

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