The Donahues Episode 118

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Hansbay High reconvenes for the 2013-2014 School year and High Schoolers try to figure out who Colleen’s biological father is, Madeline goes to her first sociology class and Ryan develops PTD and decides to make a social change for the new school year

Submitted: September 05, 2013

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Submitted: September 05, 2013

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THE DONAHUES

 

“THE GRIP”

 

TV-MA DLS

 

“Stone upon stone upon fallen stone. I trip and fall; broken bone. Stone upon stone upon fallen stone. Streets of grease no sunlight here today. I thought I’d left forever when I broke away”

  • Kris Whelan

 

(We start with Ryan and Sarah walking into Hansbay High on the first day of school, holding hands)

 

RYAN: I cannot believe they scheduled the first day of school for Labor Day. What terrible timing!
 

SARAH: Yeah, Martin Luther Labor would be rolling over in his grave.

 

RYAN: Yeah he would!

 

(Brennan accosts them in the hallway)

 

BRENNAN: Hey.

 

RYAN: Hi.

 

BRENNAN: So we have KDGM together?

 

RYAN: Yeah, tomorrow, though.

 

BRENNAN: …I see.

 

RYAN: It’ll be fine.

 

BRENNAN: Oh yeah, I’m sure.

 

RYAN: If you can go the first fifteen minutes without being yelled at by her, then it’s a victory.

 

BRENNAN: Yeah, whatever. I have no ideas, so I guess that’ll be strike one.

 

RYAN: We don’t go on the air for three weeks.

 

BRENNAN: You forgot to shave this morning.

 

(Brennan walks away)

 

RYAN: Oh yeah, I did.

 

SARAH: You have peach fuzz.

 

RYAN: I only got three hours of sleep last night, so I was running a little late this morning.

 

SARAH: Why only three hours?

 

RYAN: I was just, ugh, just tossing and turning and no dangerous combination of pills and alcohol could knock me out.

 

SARAH: Oh my God, please don’t be serious.

 

(Ryan and Sarah walk down to outside the library)

 

RYAN: I think the schedules are in here.

 

(They start to walk into the library when Principal Maxell walks around)

 

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Hey! (He snaps his fingers, getting their attention) The rooms to get your schedules are posted on the windows! Man, you are on the BALL today!!

 

(Principal Maxell walks away)

 

RYAN: Prick. (Cut to Ryan sitting in Mrs. Brady’s classroom. A kid with short dirty blonde hair, a jacket and shorts is sitting by him, on the other side are two awkward-looking girls) So this is it, huh?

 

(A kid who looks very disheveled and awkward walks in)

 

KID: Hi!

 

RYAN: Apparently not. What’s up man? I’m Ryan.

 

KID: I’m Three!

 

RYAN: …What?

 

KID: My name is Three.

 

RYAN: Oh. Okay, nice to meet you, Three. Why do you have that name?

 

(Three sets his backpack down and a bunch of papers fall out of it as he sits down at his desk)

 

THREE: Well, my middle name is Three, but I go by Three, because my first name is Frank, and I’m the third Frank in the family, because my father is Frank and my Great Uncle was Frank.

 

(Ryan looks confused)

 

RYAN: I see.

 

THREE: Also because my mom was tripping balls when she named me!

 

RYAN: Oh, okay, that makes sense, what was she doing, LSD? Shrooms?

 

THREE: What are those?

 

RYAN: Do you know what tripping balls is?

 

THREE: No, my mom just told me she was tripping balls when she named me. Who knows what she meant, she was tripping balls at the time.

 

(Mrs. Brady comes to the front of the classroom)

 

MRS. BRADY: Welcome back, class. And welcome to our newcomer, Three!

 

THREE: Hi! I’m Three!

 

BLONDE KID: Yeah, we got that.

 

MRS. BRADY: Three, this is Ryan, Larry-

 

RYAN: Ugh.

 

LARRY: I know, it’s a terrible name.

 

MRS. BRADY: Samantha and Sade.

 

RYAN: Hey, Samantha and Sade, again.

 

SADE: Hi.

 

MRS. BRADY: So, how was everybody’s summer?

 

RYAN: Mine was amazing, I got to go to a Devil’s Niece concert and hang out with the band backstage, I went to Washington DC for a Young Democrats of America summer camp where I got to meet Nancy Pelosi and go to a bunch of interest group meeting and make all sorts of cool new friends. We stayed up until two in the morning in our hotels, just talking. It was awesome. What’d you do, Larry?

 

LARRY: I, uh…I got dysentery this summer.

 

RYAN: Ew. How? In the United States, did you get dysentery?

 

LARRY: You stole my thunder, man.

 

RYAN: You thought that was going to be a good story?

 

MRS. BRADY: Hold on, did you say you met Nancy Pelosi?

 

RYAN: Yeah. For the second time.

 

MRS. BRADY: She is a scary woman! Did you shake her hand?

 

RYAN: Uh, yeah.

 

MRS. BRADY: God, and I shook yours. Now my hands feel dirty.

 

LARRY: You can wipe the Pelosi on me.

 

RYAN: He had dysentery!

 

MRS. BRADY: So, do you miss DC?

 

RYAN: Yeah, I do. A lot, actually. Just being there was…so amazing.

 

(Ryan stares wistfully)

 

LARRY: Ryan, how many guys did you blow there?

 

RYAN: Wow, did you just hear that, Mrs. Brady?

 

(Cut to Mrs. Brady staring at her cell phone)

 

MRS. BRADY: Yeah, I’ve heard the Lincoln Memorial is nice.

 

LARRY: How many fingerings took place in the bathroom of your hotel?

 

RYAN: None, we were just, having fun.

 

LARRY: Really now?

 

RYAN: Oh my God, there really is no limit to your immaturity is there?

 

LARRY: I bet Nancy Pelosi was turned on by your straightened hair and skinny jeans.

 

RYAN: Wasn’t really my intention, I was wearing a suit anyway! But please, tell me Larry, what should I wear? Plaid shorts and a jacket? Like everybody else in this school?

 

LARRY: Yeah, because NOBODY wears what you wear.

 

RYAN: Yeah, there are, but most of them are ex-girlfriends and boyfriends of mine. Also, I’m not bi anymore!!

 

THREE: What is bi?

 

MRS. BRADY: It’s being pansexual.

 

RYAN: No, pansexuality is being attracted to Fauns.

 

THREE: Is it the same as tripping balls?

 

MRS. BRADY: Welcome to the 2013-2014 Hansbay High School year.

 

(Cut to Madeline walking into a college class. She looks around, but sees no one she recognizes as people take their seats. She turns around to see Aedesh)

 

MADELINE: Oh! Hi! Aedesh.

 

AEDESH: Hey, Maddie. What are you doin’ here, punk?

 

(Maddie giggles)

 

MADELINE: Nothing, this is just a class of mine.

 

AEDESH: Really? You’re into sociology?

 

MADELINE: A little bit. I figured it wasn’t all about crazy people.

 

AEDESH: Yes, sane people have minds too.

 

(Madeline chuckles)

 

MADELINE: Yeah. Are you in this class?

 

AEDESH: No, I was just getting people to sign a petition the Young Democrats of New England Tech is sending to the White House, demanding we not get involved in Syria.

 

MADELINE: Oh, I see. Yeah, what the hell happened with that?

 

AEDESH: Obama built up a bunch of drama about Syria using chemical weapons against their own people, John Kerry seemed to publically state his desire to strangle Bashar Al-Assad with his bare hands, and then Obama was like “we’ve made no final decision” and then he surprised everyone by leaving the decision to intervene up to the most ineffectual organization of capitalist swine in America, Congress.

 

MADELINE: So, we’re not going to war?

 

AEDESH: Yet. And hopefully not at all.

 

MADELINE: Aren’t 100,000 people dead? There was this video that CNN.com said I had to see, (She takes out her phone and looks at it) I assume it’s about the chemical weapon use in Syria-are you fucking kidding me? It’s Miley Cyrus twerking?!

 

AEDESH: Well, of course, (Madeline puts her phone away) the chemical weapons use is a ghastly violation of conscience, but Syria is not signed on to the treaty banning chemical weapons. China, Russia, Lebanon and Iran would never let NATO take any action because they’re tight with the Assad regime. They’re like an actual, real-life League of Doom. China, Russia, Lebanon and Iran meet in a building shaped like a metallic jaguar. The UK looked at Syrian intervention and spit their tea and said (hackneyed British accent) “not bloody likely!” Plus, why are chemical weapons our red line? We use bombs that can literally take your breath away, suck the air right out of your lungs and suffocate you, they’re called Fuel Air bombs, and they SUCK! Being fuel-air bombed is not even something that Rick Sanchez would be willing to have done to him.

 

MADELINE: But wouldn’t it look weak to not intervene?

 

AEDESH: Oh! Weakness! I forgot! We have to be manly men! Big and strong! I bet the bill Congress sends to President Obama will just be a piece of paper that reads “Because Fuck Them” on it.

 

MADELINE: I guess we should be more rational about it, but it pains me to think we can’t do anything.

 

AEDESH: We haven’t done anything for two years! Why not continue? And to think that four years ago President Obama called Assad a reformer.

 

MADELINE: Well then why don’t you support intervention? Obama said it would be for a limited time only.

 

AEDESH: They also said that about Mountain Dew Throwback. And Obama promised to not have a ground invasion, but this isn’t as simple as the Libyan war two and a half years ago. Al-Assad is just a straight-up sociopathic genocidal dictator maniac, but I don’t want another Iraq!

 

MADELINE: But Iraq was a ground invasion and Iraq’s weapon development was based on bullshit, but didn’t they send UN inspectors into Damascus?

 

AEDESH: As much as it pains me, this isn’t our problem! We should just be isolationists like we were in the 1930s.

 

MADELINE: Yeah, why did we stop being isolationist again?

 

AEDESH: I think once Latin music became popular.

 

TEACHER: Have a seat, everyone!

 

MADELINE: Well, see ya, I guess.

 

AEDESH: Yeah. Sorry about Oliver, by the way.

 

MADELINE: Don’t be. I know he’s your friend, but he pretty much abandoned me here.

 

AEDESH: Yeah, well, he abandoned me here too. We’re in the same boat.

 

(Madeline smirks and waves goodbye, Aedesh holds out his petition and Madeline shakes her head no. Aedesh puts the petition by his side and bows. Madeline makes a face of visible discomfort where she squints her eyes and shows her teeth. Aedesh salutes Madeline and then walks away. Madeline nods her head confusedly and then goes to take a seat next to some guy. The Professor goes up to the board as people, including Madeline, take out their laptops)

 

PROFESSOR: Morning, class. I am Professor Carnahan, your sociology professor. Sociology is defined as the interactions of human beings and the brain chemistry behind those interactions. We will study such concepts as liability, for example, we all know wife beating is wrong, but is husband-beating less wrong than wife-beating? Does it depend on who in the relationship is physically stronger? Why is two men getting in a bar fight considered less heinous than spousal abuse between a gay couple? And more importantly, who’s liable and for what? These are the kind of questions we ask in this class.

 

MADELINE: Here’s another question, why does the New England Institute of Technology have a sociology department?

 

PROFESSOR CARNAHAN: Easy! Look at this-(He holds up an iPad) iPad! This is a class set.

 

STUDENT: Cool, we all get one during class?

 

PROFESSOR CARNAHAN: No, like, this iPad is the extent of our class set. Now, I want you guys to separate into groups and discuss what you think sociology is so we can determine how wrong you are and what mental condition you’re in. Go!

 

(The students get up and cluster into groups. Cut to Madeline in a group with three guys and one girl, plus her. They are all silent for ten seconds)

 

MADELINE: I guess I’ll start, what do you guys think sociology is?

 

STUDENT: Are you serious? We can just hang out until he calls us back to our seats.

 

MADELINE: But aren’t we all in here because we’re interested in this topic?

 

GIRL STUDENT: I was actually thinking this could be a cool opportunity to promote my excursion into the forest later tonight.

 

STUDENT: What are you doin’ there?

 

GIRL STUDENT: We’re gonna drink beers.

 

STUDENT 2: Dope!

 

MADELINE: Um, okay.

 

STUDENT 3: Bethany, that’s a little too High School for me, you know?

 

MADELINE: I agree.

 

BETHANY: Okay, what do you do suggest, Ozair?
 

OZAIR: I suggest we bring cigarettes too.

 

MADELINE: Nevermind then.

 

STUDENT: Totally! My sister has a fake ID!

 

OZAIR: Awesome, AJ!

 

MADELINE: Aren’t you guys sophomores in college? Just buy your own cigarettes.

 

AJ: Implying I have a license.

 

MADELINE: Hold on, if you guys aren’t interested in sociology, why are you in here?

 

OZAIR: I guess it’s a place to be during the day, when I’m not dry humping my RA’s door in the Hassler hall.

 

AJ: I love doing that.

 

BETHANY: Me too.

 

MADELINE: But sociology is interesting! How people interact and stuff? It’s cool!

 

BETHANY: What’s your name again?

 

MADELINE: Madeline.

 

BETHANY: Madeline. I suppose I’ll remember that when I need a lecture on what I should be interested in. But when I want to have fun, I’ll contact these guys.

 

OZAIR: Yeah. Because I consider her a friend.

 

BETHANY: And I consider him a friend of a friend.

 

OZAIR: That’s right-wait, excuse me?!

 

PROFESSOR CARNAHAN: BACK TO THE SEATS!

 

(They start to head back to their seats and Madeline rolls her eyes and languidly plops into her seat. Cut to Trey, Colleen, Chris Hayes, Alan and Luther sitting at a lunch table at lunch time)

 

ALAN: Wow, so this place is weird without last year’s seniors.

 

TREY: No shit. It’s like a ghost town. Roger’s gone, Jacob’s in prison, Preston’s in prison, Beckett’s probably milking one of his retarded uncle’s goats and Scott is probably a groupie for the Black Keys already.

 

CHRIS HAYES: But you guys still have me! (They sit in silence as Trey slowly nods his head) That’s enough reassurance that I’m liked for me! It feels so dope to be a junior. I drove to school this morning in my dad’s Porsche and I was blasting Alan Thicke.

 

LUTHER: Robin Thicke.

 

CHRIS HAYES: Robin Thicke.

 

ALAN: Dude, just be yourself!

 

CHRIS HAYES: Never!

 

COLLEEN: I fucking hate that I have to be at school again on top of everything else.

 

LUTHER: What else?

 

COLLEEN: Nothing.

 

ALAN: Are you doing that thing where you make a nebulous reference to something going on in your life and then be coy about it so you can make us way more interested then we would’ve been normally?

 

COLLEEN: …No?

 

TREY: Just leave her alone, Alan! She has shit to deal with.

 

(Colleen’s phones goes off and she answers it)

 

COLLEEN: Hello? Ugh, dad! Don’t call me when I’m at school. Hold on. (She puts the phone to her chest) Guys, I’m having a private conversation here! Stop making so much noise!
 

LUTHER: We weren’t making any noise!

 

COLLEEN: Well, fucking play dead or something! My dad can’t know about you guys!

 

CHRIS HAYES: Why would-

 

TREY: Don’t argue, just go along with it.

 

(Trey lays his head down on the table as if he’s dead, and the others shrug their shoulders and do it as well while Colleen gets back on the phone)

 

COLLEEN: Hello? Sorry about that, daddy. Yeah, mom got the money. I want to be able to, uh…meet you.

 

(Colleen gets up and walks away)

 

TREY: I’m gonna use the shitter.

 

CHRIS HAYES: Ew.

 

(Trey gets up and walks away. Ross walks over and sits down)

 

ROSS: So, you guys know about Colleen’s dad, right?

 

ALAN: No. I know he was a great man though, have you taken a gander at her ass?

 

LUTHER: I’d like to slay that ass.

 

ROSS: That sounds vaguely murderous, but anyway, Colleen doesn’t like talking about who her father is and I believe I know the reason why.

 

CHRIS HAYES: Why?

 

ROSS: Because he’s famous.

 

ALAN: Wait, really?

 

ROSS: Hell yeah.

 

LUTHER: Who is he?

 

ROSS: I don’t know. But I intend to find out.

 

CHRIS HAYES: Were you just eavesdropping on us, waiting for something to come up that pertained to you?

 

ROSS: I resent that accusation. I was standing a few feet away sipping on chocolate milk and waiting for the right opportunity, that’s not eavesdropping, that’s skill.

 

ALAN: Sorry about your friend going to prison, by the way.

 

ROSS: He’s not my friend. Now let’s go figure out who Colleen’s daddy is!

 

(Cut to Ross and Alan standing at the water fountains outside the girl’s room)

 

ALAN: So let me get this straight, we’re going to stand out here and pretend to drink water until Colleen comes out of the bathroom on the off chance she drops her phone and we can call her dad?

 

ROSS: Yeah! Not complicated!

 

ALAN: I guess it’s not, it’s just…not, you know, smart.

 

ROSS: Trust me.

 

(Luther and Chris Hayes walk into the shot)

 

LUTHER: What are we supposed to do?

 

ROSS: I guess, just, hide.

 

(Colleen storms out of the restroom)

 

COLLEEN: THIS IS BULLSHIT, DAD!!!

 

(Colleen hangs up and throws the phone across the hall and walks away)

 

ROSS: Score!

 

(Ross walks over and picks up her phone)

 

CHRIS HAYES: Let’s go into the guy’s bathroom, she can’t go there.

 

LUTHER: And if she catches us with it, we’ll just say we kept it for her so no one would steal it.

 

ROSS: Utter genius. We should form a League Klan.

 

ALAN: No we shouldn’t.

 

ROSS: Okay. (Ross, Alan, Luther and Chris Hayes go into the boy’s bathroom and Ross looks through her call history) The baby daddy in question is listed as “dad” spelled incorrectly.

 

LUTHER: Dial it!

 

(Ross takes out his phone, dials the number and calls it. He puts the phone to his ear)

 

SOMEONE: (Over the phone) Hello?

 

ROSS: Hello, sir. I’m…your talent agent. Would you be interested in a…movie?

 

SOMEONE: Ted, I already told you, I don’t lend my music to movies unless it’s Star Trek, This Means War, Jack and Jill, Real Steel, The Change-Up, Iron Man 2, Diary of a Wimpy Kid and 17 Again. I have high standards.

 

ROSS: Oh. Music. Yes, well, this is a Pixar film which is a spin-off of Planes, which is a spin-off of Cars, called “Truck Buddies”. It’s about two homosexual trucks traversing the nation for a Lady Gaga concert, Ms. Gaga is played by a Corolla with Christmas lights on it.

 

SOMEONE: That’d be perfect actually! Where do I sign? Can I give my signature verbally?

 

ROSS: Absolutely. It’s 2013, after all. Just say your name into the phone and make it sound cursive.

 

SOMEONE: Yes sir. Michael Diamond!

 

(Ross gasps and hangs up)

 

ROSS: Holy shit.

 

(Trey walks out of a stall and over to them)

 

TREY: So I see you’ve figured it out.

 

ROSS: Mike D?!

 

LUTHER: HOLY SHIT, MIKE D?!

 

ALAN: Mike D of the Beastie Boys is Colleen’s father?!

 

TREY: Yes.

 

ROSS: Jesus Christ.

 

CHRIS HAYES: Who’s Mike D?

 

(Trey whacks Chris Hayes upside the down)

 

CHRIS HAYES: Ow!

 

TREY: Let me tell you what you desire to know.

 

(They all nod their heads. Cut to Ryan sitting in English class, listening to his iPod. He closes his eyes for a second. In his imagination, he sees himself cuddling in a dark pit with Bruce and Nola from DC. He sees himself running through the streets of DC with Bruce and Nola in the dead of night. He sees himself speaking with Devil’s Niece backstage with Bruce and Nola. Cut to Ryan sitting there with his eyes closed. Brandon slams on his desk, making him jump)

 

RYAN: Jesus!

 

BRANDON: Bro! How are you?

 

(Ryan smiles, rubs his eyes and stands up)

 

RYAN: I’m tired, but good.

 

BRANDON: Awesome.

 

(Paul McKinley walks over)

 

PAUL: How was DC? I heard you really rubbed elbows with some important people.

 

RYAN: DC was amazing. And I rubbed plenty of elbows. Pelosi, Elizabeth Warren, Joe Donnelly and best of all, Mallart Bond.

 

BRANDON: Who’s that?

 

RYAN: The lead singer of Devil’s Niece.

 

PAUL: Oh, I’ve never heard of them.

 

RYAN: They’re amazing. So how do you guys feel being seniors?

 

BRANDON: Pretty good, you?

 

RYAN: Um, I’m fine, a bit nervous, but not too bad.

 

PAUL: Nervous? About what?

 

RYAN: Um, not-not nervous, I guess, more like, just, anticipatory.

 

BRANDON: I’m not sure I understand.

 

RYAN: Anticipatory’s not the right word, um, just, forget it.

 

BRANDON: Okay.

 

RYAN: Um…(They all look down at their shoes in awkward silence) so, uh- (He looks back up, so do they) another baby got shot.

 

(They look at him confusedly when a middle-aged female brunette teacher goes up to the front of the room)

 

TEACHER: Students, take your seats!
 

(Brandon and Paul walk over and sit in their seats as Ryan sits down in his eat rubbing his temples, in visceral regret for how that exchange went)

 

RYAN: Jesus Christ…

 

TEACHER: Students, hello, I am Ms. Smithwood. Welcome to GT AP English four. This class is-(She coughs, then clears her throat) sorry, I’m losing my voice, and it’s only 9:45. (The class chuckles as she takes a drink of water and puts it down) No one to talk to over the summer, just me at home with a dog. (The class makes an audible and uncomfortable “aw” sound in response to how sad that is) Anyway, I hope you’re prepared for the test over the summer reading, we read “Cry, The Beloved Country” by Alan Paton.

 

RYAN: Fuck.

 

MS. SMITHWOOD: So, is everyone here?
 

(One of the students gets up)

 

STUDENT: I actually think I’m supposed to be in this class this time tomorrow, not today, Ms. Smithwood. But I am prepared for the test.

 

(She holds up a copy of “Cry, the Beloved Country”)

 

BRANDON: Well, that makes one of us.

 

(The class chuckles)

 

STUDENT: I can take it now if you want.

 

MS. SMITHWOOD: No, that’s not necessary, run along. See you tomorrow.

 

(The student walks out of the room. Cut to Ryan lifting his head from his desk later in the class. He checks his phone to see the time is 11:17. He looks over to the other side of the room, Brandon, Paul McKinley, Joe, Dick and Chandler talking in a cluster while standing up. Ryan gets up to see go talk to them, but then he reconsiders and sits down. He puts headphones in and listens to his iPod. Cut to Ryan and Sarah speaking in the hallway during the passing period)

 

RYAN: How’s your first day been?

 

SARAH: I’ve been dress coded twice already for my leggings and they forced me to change out of my “Blood on the Bar Scene” shirt!

 

(She holds up a shirt showing the members of Blood On The Bar Scene posing in front of a burning Nativity Scene with the words “NATIVITY OBSCENE” and “Burnin’ Mary” underneath that, as well as “Murder and Frankincense” and “Manger Danger”)

 

RYAN: Blood on the Bar Scene tried to spin the fact that they burned down a Nativity Scene thinking it was a bunch of teenagers, including me, into a good thing for their career?

 

SARAH: They made an entire album out of it!

 

RYAN: What was it called? Because it seems like they just threw every idea for a name onto the t-shirt, there was no editing.

 

SARAH: Yeah, they did get carried away.

 

RYAN: What’s so inappropriate about this shirt that made them have you take it off?

 

SARAH: Oh, the back of it.

 

(Sarah shows the back of the shirt, which straight-up says “FUCK JESUS”)

 

RYAN: Wow, I see.

 

SARAH: it’s what they ended up naming the album, actually.

 

RYAN: Hmm. Well, (she puts the shirt back into her backpack) my first day has been alright. My first two teachers were okay, only one of them was new though.

 

SARAH: My teachers are retarded. I’m pretty sure my English teacher is making meth.

 

(Ryan laughs)

 

RYAN: How would he know how to do that? He’s an English teacher!

 

SARAH: I don’t know, but he figured if Malcom’s dad could do it, so could he.

 

RYAN: Are you serious? I hope he doesn’t use too many trite metaphors in his meth making.

 

SARAH: He has a sinus infection, he’s doing it for his family!
 

(Ryan laughs)

 

RYAN: Anyway, I guess I have to go to AP Government.

 

SARAH: Okay. Have fun. (Sarah runs her hands through Ryan’s hair and kisses him) Your hair feels soft today.

 

RYAN: Thank you.

 

(They kiss again and then they go their separate ways, but as Ryan is walking down the hallway, he notices Eric Sullivan walking beside him, he has red highlights in his blonde hair and is clean shaven with septum rings and no lip rings)

 

RYAN: …Eric?!
 

(Eric turns and sees Ryan)

 

ERIC: Ryan!

 

RYAN: HOLY SHIT! (They hug and then separate) How are you here?! I haven’t seen you in four months and you haven’t been in Hansbay for ten months!

 

ERIC: Yeah, man, I moved back!

 

RYAN: From Russia?!

 

ERIC: Well, technically, I was deported back.

 

RYAN: Why did they deport you?!

 

ERIC: Well, I was in a Russian prison for violating Russia’s anti-gay law.

 

RYAN: Oh my God, what did you do to deserve that?

 

ERIC: I didn’t deserve it, but what I did was I feigned sucking a statue of Vladimir Lenin off.

 

RYAN: Wow. How did that story not receive international attention?

 

ERIC: Some reporter called me and personally told me he didn’t care. Plus, everyone working at Russian newspapers have glocks to their balls.

 

RYAN: Wow, what was Russian prison like?

 

ERIC: Damp. I would describe it as being very damp.

 

RYAN: Damp? That’s it?

 

ERIC: Most of all, yes, very damp. Anyway, since my dad is a judge in Russia, he pulled some strings and got us a deal. Essentially, I was allowed to be released from prison on the condition that I leave Russia and never come back.

 

RYAN: Jesus, dude, that’s amazing! What have you been up to in the last couple months besides that though?

 

ERIC: Well, when I was in Russia, I went to rehab.

 

RYAN: Really now?

 

ERIC: Yes, really, now! And uh…I’m a Mormon now.

 

RYAN: …Pardon?

 

ERIC: Yeah, I’m a Mormon now.

 

RYAN: Really?!

 

ERIC: Yep, I’m clean and I’m a Mormon.

 

RYAN: Huh. I, uh, did not expect that.

 

(Eric holds up a cup of Starbucks coffee and opens the lid)

 

ERIC: Let me tell you, I didn’t either! (Eric takes a flask of vodka out of his pocket and pours a little vodka in his coffee) It caught me off guard, but the religion really has some perks. They don’t believe in the option between- (He puts his vodka flask back in his pocket and closes the cup of coffee) Heaven and Hell, there’s like, three creamy layers in between the two.

 

RYAN: Um, you don’t exactly follow Mormonism to the letter, do you?

 

ERIC: No, I do not. But I do have the thermal underwear under my skinny jeans. (He pulls on his thermal underwear) And that’s their most important belief.

 

RYAN: Apparently. (Ryan and Eric laugh) Dude, it’s nice to see you again, I have to go to class, but hit me up later and we can catch up more.

 

ERIC: Totally.

 

(Ryan extends his hand and Eric goes in for a handshake, but realizes he’s using the wrong hand and the other hand is holding the coffee and vodka, so Ryan attempts to change hands, but instead they just grip each other’s hands, which is shown in a zoom-in shot, and they chuckle and let go. They head off to their respective classes. Cut to Madeline in her sociology class with a test in front of her)

 

PROFESSOR CARNAHAN: This is a pop test.

 

STUDENT: Are we going to have these often, this is like eighty questions and it’s the first class.

 

PROFESSOR CARNAHAN: We’ll sometimes have pop exams and pop physicals, whatever I feel like that day, we’ll pop it. Begin!

 

(People start taking the test. Madeline looks down at it and sees the first question is “Sociology?” and in response, Madeline doodles a stick figure punching himself in the face. She then writes next to it, “Who’s liable?” Cut to Madeline eating Rahman Noodles and being on her laptop that night)

 

MADELINE: I lived off of this stuff in college. Oh wait, I am in college. On second thought, this is gross. (Madeline spits out her Rahman noodles in a trash can and then throws away the cup and looks back at her computer screen) I guess I’ll go without food tonight, my dietician can suck it.

 

(Cut to Aedesh sitting in the library, reading “The Communist Manifesto, 165th Anniversary Edition, with a foreword by a pussy modern American new leftist”. At a table behind Aedesh, Bethany and Ozair are talking)

 

OZAIR: God, can you believe that Madeline chick?

 

(Aedesh turns around)

 

AEDESH: Hey, could you keep it down-wait, what’d you say?

 

OZAIR: I said-

 

AEDESH: Just forget it, carry on.

 

(Aedesh turns back around)

 

OZAIR: Anyway, but yeah, Madeline is-

 

AEDESH: Speak a little louder actually.

 

OZAIR: Okay, (he speaks slightly louder) Madeline is so stuck-up.

 

BETHANY: Right?!

 

(Cut to Madeline walking into her sociology class one day. Professor Carnahan indicates to Madeline she should come over there, and she does)

 

PROFESSOR CARNAHAN: Madeline, right?

 

MADELINE: Yes.

 

PROFESSOR CARNAHAN: Well, quite frankly, you bombed your sociology pop test. More so than most of the other students. Even the burnouts in class.

 

(Pan to Ashton, Ryan’s drug dealer, in class leaning lethargically against a desk right next to a girl in class leaning against the same desk. They are smoking cigarettes. Ashton is wearing a Mario Mushroom baseball cap to the side, a light blue short-sleeved buttoned-up dress shirt, skinny jeans, VANS and sunglasses while the chick is wearing a tank top, jeans and sunglasses. The two of them appear to be attached to strings going up above them)

 

ASHTON: I studied my heart out for that test and I don’t even go to this school, man.

 

BURNOUT CHICK: Don’t be a dick. Wanna dip?

 

ASHTON: Yeah. (The burnout chick hands Ashton dipping tobacco, but the strings come loose from Ashton and he falls onto the floor) Fuck.

 

(Pan back to Madeline and Professor Carnahan)

 

MADELINE: What is going on over there?

 

PROFESSOR CARNAHAN: You have to do better, Maddie.

 

MADELINE: Can’t I, like, take it again?

 

PROFESSOR CARNAHAN: This isn’t high school, Maddie.

 

MADELINE: Sorry, you don’t know me well enough to call me Maddie.

 

PROFESSOR CARNAHAN: Fair enough.

 

MADELINE: And are you sure this isn’t high school? Look at what some of your students are doing right now!

 

(Pan to Ozair and wrestling on a desk, fighting over Chic-Fila chicken nuggets)

 

OZAIR: GIVE THEM TO MEEE!!

 

AJ: DUDE, THERE ARE OTHERS IN THE CAFETERIA!!

 

(Pan back)

 

PROFESSOR CARNAHAN: Get a study buddy or something.

 

MADELINE: Ugh, I cringe when you say that. You do know I couldn’t have studied for a test you didn’t say ahead of time was happening, right?

 

PROFESSOR CARNAHAN: That’s your opinion.

 

(Professor Carnahan widens his eyes and nods his head rapidly and blinks a lot)

 

MADELINE: Awesome.

 

(Cut to Madeline watching TV in her apartment, looking bored. She is watching a commercial for a lawyer. A lawyer is sitting at a desk with glasses and a suit on)

 

LAWYER: Are you being accused of a DUI? Well, we have your back here at Danner and Craft. My law partner Craft was killed in a DUI, so I’m very sympathetic to your difficult position. For more on our services, go to DUIsstink.com. Also, have you been accused of murder? Well, then stop on by murderchargessuck.ugh!

 

(Cut to Madeline watching)

 

MADELINE: Ughh…

 

(Madeline gets up and walks into her bedroom in her pajamas. She sits on the bed and then pulls out her drawer to reveal a vibrator. She takes the vibrator and lies down on the bed. Then, she closes her eyes. Then, she gets up and puts the vibrator back. She gets up and walks out of the room. Cut to her, dressed in jeans now, outside of a dorm room. She knocks on the door)

 

VOICE FROM INSIDE: Just a minute!

 

(She opens immediately, it’s Bethany)

 

BETHANY: Can I help you?

 

MADELINE: That was quick, hey, it’s me.

 

BETHANY: Oh. Madeline. What is up.

 

MADELINE: I just wanted to say sorry if I upset you, earlier.

 

BETHANY: Hmm. That’s fine, I guess.

 

MADELINE: What are you doing?

 

BETHANY: We’re just firing fireworks through the window.

 

MADELINE: Oh my God, that’s… (Bethany’s eyes glare) awesome?

 

BETHANY: It’s alright, we’re just going into the forest for a bit. You can come with if you really want to make amends.

 

MADELINE: …Okay, well I was just going to ask if you guys could study, but, uh-

 

BETHANY: Studying? Please. You would not believe how many Tumblr posts I have about how I never study.

 

(Madeline chuckles)

 

MADELINE: Yeah, I bet. I-

 

BETHANY: “I could study but…nah” is one of them.

 

MADELINE: Right.

 

BETHANY: Come in.

 

(Bethany invites Madeline inside and she goes in. Cut to Trey, Ross, Alan and Luther talking in the boy’s bathroom)

 

TREY: So there it is.  Mike D is Colleen’s biological father.

 

ROSS: Right, but how? When did Colleen’s mom hook up with Mike D?

 

TREY: You know that lyric from their song “Paul Revere”?

 

ALAN: Yes…I mean, which one?

 

TREY: “Mike D grabbed the money, MCA snatched the gold, I grabbed two girlies and a beer that’s cold”?

 

LUTHER: Of course.

 

TREY: Well, Mike D got one of those girls and one of those girls was Colleen’s mother.

 

ALAN: What?!

 

ROSS: Who did MCA get?

 

TREY: Mike D got Colleen’s mom, Adrock got the brunette and MCA, may he rest in peace, had sex with the beer.

 

ROSS: That’s cold.

 

ALAN: Wait a second, that song was released in 1986, that would make Colleen, like, twenty-six years old.

 

TREY: Right, but that song wasn’t a true story, but it became a true story in 1995 when Mike D totally fucked Colleen’s mom, HARD. Now he pays child support and is keeping it on the DL Hughley.

 

LUTHER: Wow. So, what is Colleen so upset about?

 

(Colleen bursts into the bathroom)

 

COLLEEN: Has anyone seen my phone?!

 

TREY: Colleeeeeen! This is the boy’s bathroom!

 

COLLEEN: I do this all the time, Treeey. Don’t be an asshoooole.

 

(Some other guy walks into the bathroom)

 

SOME STUDENT: Excuse me.

 

(He walks over to the urinals and begins urinating)

 

COLLEEN: Anyway, where’s my-OH MY GOD! My phone!

 

(Ross holds it up)

 

ROSS: I was just keeping it safe for you, Colleen, no worries.

 

TREY: Don’t lie to her. He stole it because he wanted to find out who your real dad was.

 

COLLEEN: Ugh! That is an invasion of my piracy! How dare you! I’m not defined by who my father is! I’m a beautiful flower in a field of, of, mere daises!

 

TREY: Daises are flowers.

 

COLLEEN: You don’t know anything about Botany! She’s not in your English class!

 

ALAN: You have a friend named Botany?!

 

COLLEEN: She’s awesome.

 

ROSS: Colleen, think about it. We could help you find your long-lost father. Well, not long-lost, but long forgotten in the music industry. He should have plenty of time to spend with you.

 

ALAN: Yes, we would very much like to help you reunite with your distant father.

 

LUTHER: Yes. Preferably now.

 

ALAN: Like, skip your next period.

 

ROSS: You guys just want to meet Mike D.

 

ALAN: You don’t pass up a chance to meet Mike D, dude!

 

COLLEEN: How could you guys help me do this?

 

TREY: That’s a fair question.

 

(The student from earlier walks out of the bathroom)

 

LUTHER: Dude was pissing for a long time.

 

ALAN: You know, I just happen to be related to Mike D’s lawyer!

 

COLLEEN: Really?!

 

ALAN: Nah, that would be way too convenient. I have no way discernible way to help you.

 

COLLEEN: Well, then give me my phone back! (Ross hands Colleen’s phone back to her) I’ll just see what Botany can do! BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T SNOOP AROUND AND THEN GIVE ME FALSE HOPE!

 

(Colleen storms out)

 

ROSS: God, I feel bad.

 

TREY: Just let her cry. I have this jar of her tears in my room for when she does this. Once she leaves, I use the tears in my bong.

 

ROSS: You sick fuck.

 

(Cut to Colleen and Botany sitting in the back of a limousine)

 

BOTANY: Why didn’t you mention Mike D was your father? My dad’s lawyer is Mike D’s lawyer’s lawyer.

 

COLLEEN: I’m excited to finally meet him. Brooklyn’s a long drive, but this’ll be worth it.

 

(They pull up and Colleen and Botany are let out of the limousine at Mike D’s lush mansion. Mike D’s lawyer comes up to them)

 

MIKE D’S LAWYER: Hi, I’m Joe Marshall, Mr. Diamond’s lawyer.

 

(Colleen shakes his hand)

 

COLLEEN: It’s cool to meet you.

 

JOE: Very cool. Mike D is waiting. Come in. (They walk past the gates and walk up to the front door of the building. Joe uses an ID card to get into the building) Wait here for a second. (Joe enters the house as Colleen and Botany wait. Cut to Mike D sitting on the couch, wearing a suit. Joe comes in) Mr. Diamond-

 

(Mike D stands up)

 

MIKE D: Joe, once you get those motherfuckers from Disney in here, tell them I have verbally signed their contract and I want them to start putting my music to lispy truck dialogues right away!

 

JOE: No, Michael, I lied.

 

MIKE D: You lied to me?

 

JOE: Yes. I brought your daughter on by.

 

MIKE D: Skyler?

 

JOE: No, your…other daughter.

 

MIKE D: …Impossible!

 

JOE: It’s pretty possible.

 

MIKE D: You didn’t.

 

JOE: Mike, she wants to know you.

 

MIKE D: Then she can FUCKING watch Truck Buddies!

 

JOE: MIKE! (Joe walks up to him and puts his hand on Mike’s shoulder) It’s time. Your wife’s not home. And Colleen has already made the five hour limo drive to see you.

 

(Mike D is looking down)

 

MIKE D: What’s she like?

 

JOE: Uh…she’s, um…you know…

 

(Cut to Ryan walking into his bathroom at night. He looks in the mirror intensely and squints his eyes. He then walks out of the bathroom and walks downstairs into his living room to see Patrick White on TV, delivering the news while Ethan and Kimberly watch)

 

PATRICK WHITE: Political forces on both sides of the aisle apparently seem willing to support proposed intervention in Syria, while other more liberal and conservative forces are inclined to oppose it.

 

KIMBERLY: Now why in the hell would we intervene in Syria?

 

ETHAN: Bashar Al-Assad deserves it! Military intervention could work.

 

KIMBERLY: Military interventions work like drug addiction interventions work! They just succeed in making the interveners feel better and it makes the target of the intervention more defensive.

 

ETHAN: Is that true, Ryan?

 

RYAN: I’ve never had an intervention!

 

ETHAN: Have we really not gotten around to that yet?

 

KIMBERLY: The rebels will use the opportunity to attack Assad’s forces, which will make them stand their ground even harder and will cause more Syrians to die, intervening will only prolong the war.

 

ETHAN: But I want revenge! I want it! And I’m pretty sure Congress will go along with this. John Boehner said “a’ight” and Nancy Pelosi was like “cool beans” and Harry Reid was awoken by an aide and before she even finished her sentence he said “ye-up”.

 

KIMBERLY: Of course, Congress can’t get anything done unless it involves blowing something up.

 

RYAN: Maybe we could get them to pass the “Gay Marriage Legalization and Bombing San Francisco Act” of 2013.

 

ETHAN: Why did you come in here?

 

RYAN: I’m going to go out for a second…or two.

 

KIMBERLY: Alright then.

 

ETHAN: Be back by bed.

 

RYAN: Okay.

 

(Ryan leaves. Cut to Madeline, Ozair, Bethany and AJ walking through the forest. Ozair and Bethany are wearing jackets)

 

BETHANY: It’s such a beautiful night.

 

MADELINE: It’s actually a little chilly.

 

OZAIR: You can have Bethany’s jacket.

 

MADELINE: Um, don’t you have a-

 

OZAIR: C’mon, Bethany, don’t be rude.

 

(Madeline looks over to see a tree with a treehouse in it)

 

MADELINE: Oh, look a tree house! That’s sort of cool. When I was a teenager, my boyfriend and I would have secret meetings in tree houses. It was silly.

 

BETHANY: That’s actually the tree house we use to drink beer in, right now!

 

MADELINE: Oh…how cool.

 

AJ: We call it The Tree House where Bethany grabbed a bird’s nest and puked in it. There were no survivors.

 

BETHANY: It was named after my grandfather.

 

OZAIR: Let’s crawl into her.

 

(AJ, Bethany, Ozair and Madeline crawl into the treehouse and find a dusty pack of Miller Light up there. They each take one)

 

AJ: Luckily no squirrels got drunk off these this time.

 

MADELINE: That is lucky.

 

BETHANY: To making amends with our new friend Madeline!

 

ALL: Cheers!

 

(They bump beers and then drink. Cut to later, Ozair and Madeline are talking in one corner of the tree house)

 

MADELINE: I really like this view.

 

OZAIR: Do you?

 

MADELINE: Yeah.

 

OZAIR: So do I.

 

MADELINE: I guess I miss this, but I kind of expected college to be a bit different than this.

 

OZAIR: Right.

 

MADELINE: I feel like it’s…thirteenth grade or something.

 

OZAIR: I know what you mean.

 

MADELINE: Fourteenth grade, I guess.

 

(Ozair scoots toward Madeline and puts his arm around her, making her somewhat uncomfortable)

 

OZAIR: I’ve been in fourteenth grade for a long time, Maddie.

 

MADELINE: What does that mean?

 

OZAIR: You know what it means.

 

MADELINE: No…I don’t.

 

OZAIR: Look at them.

 

(Madeline looks to see Bethany and AJ are making out)

 

MADELINE: How did that happen?

 

OZAIR: Let’s find out.

 

MADELINE: No. Please get your hand off of me.

 

OZAIR: Playing hard to lure, huh? I get it.

 

(Ozair takes his hand off of her)

 

MADELINE: Wow, did you just say hard to “lure”?!

 

(Cut to Mike D and Colleen sitting in the living room of his house)

 

MIKE D: So…Colleen, what, uh…what school do you go to?

 

COLLEEN: Hansbay High in Vermont.

 

MIKE D: That’s a good school.

 

COLLEEN: Yeah.

 

(They each look around for a few seconds and then look back at each other)

 

MIKE D: Favorite color, one, two, three GO!

 

COLLEEN: (At the same time as Mike D’s line below) Why didn’t you want to see me?

 

MIKE D: (At the same time as Colleen’s above line) Fuchsia!

 

MIKE D: Okay, nevermind. We’re gettin’ real.

 

COLLEEN: Why didn’t you want to see me, dad?

 

MIKE D: I, uh…I was married when I impregnated your mother.

 

COLLEEN: Yeah, well you shouldn’t have been married to your mother!

 

MIKE D: What?

 

COLLEEN: Sorry, I mixed up what you-what did you say again?

 

MIKE D: I was married when I impregnated your mother!

 

COLLEEN: …Impregnated?

 

MIKE D: …Yes!

 

COLLEEN: You mean you did this?

 

MIKE D: Yeah, I thought, I thought you knew that!

 

COLLEEN: You washed out my mom’s douche with waters from the Colleen Diamond aquifer and that made me grow inside of her belly when she used it?!

 

MIKE D: What? Wow, your mom gave you a really graphic false explanation of how pregnancy works.

 

COLLEEN; You left me without a father and a dumbass mother who made me the way I am! The way people fucking step all over me!

 

MIKE D: What am I supposed to do?! Tell my wife I fathered a child outside of our marriage?

 

COLLEEN: That’s your problem! You were the one who made the mistake. Thanks for creating me and stuff, though.

 

MIKE D: Listen, it would ruin me.

 

COLLEEN: I could just go public, if that’s what you want. Tabloid headlines reading “Mike D gave Colleen’s mom the D”

 

MIKE D: Does your mom have a name?

 

COLLEEN: Not that I’m aware of.

 

MIKE D: Listen, don’t go to the press, I’d, I’d love to get to know you.

 

COLLEEN: Don’t make me take legal action, I know paternity.

 

MIKE D: You know paternity law?

 

COLLEEN: No, I know Paternity, he’s Botany’s dad.

 

MIKE D: Don’t go to a lawyer! I will make time for you, but you have to claim you’re my stepdaughter.

 

COLLEEN: Cool!

 

MIKE D: I mean-no, no, don’t say stepdaughter, say…budding pop sensation.

 

COLLEEN: Ooh! I could totally be one of those! Can I call you dad though?

 

MIKE D: You can call me Big Daddy or something, almost as if I’m your agent.

 

COLLEEN: That would make you sound like a pimp. And my pimp is Trey.

 

MIKE D: Just, call me Mike when Tamra is around.

 

COLLEEN: Cool deals! Come here, daddy!

 

MIKE D: Okay.

 

(Mike D goes over there and hugs Colleen. The sound of a grocery bag hitting the floor is heard and Mike D and Colleen look over to see Joe dropped groceries on the floor)

 

JOE: Sorry about that, help me with these?

 

MIKE D: Jesus, dude, you scared the hell out of me!

 

JOE: Are you going to help me or not?!

 

(Cut to a shot of Ryan’s feet walking across the hallway as the song “Stay Away” by Nirvana begins playing. The camera pans over to show Sarah’s shoes walking beside his. The camera slowly pans up to reveal Ryan is sporting black straightened hair with blonde highlights and now has an unshaven look. Sarah looks the same. They walk over to outside a classroom and make out for a little bit, before Ryan says good bye and walks into his English class, where Brandon, Paul McKinley and the others notice him immediately and he walks over to talk to them, comfortably. Cut to Madeline, Bethany, Ozair and AJ walking out of the forest. They’re all getting along, but Madeline is visibly disappointed with the experience. Cut to Ryan in May 2013 texting on his phone in the corner of the KDGM room while Alan, Luther, Faith, Kirsten and Natasha spoke amongst themselves. Cut to September 2013, Ryan, with his new look, is speaking comfortably with Alan, Luther, Brennan, Zach Stiegel, Ross, Tim, Hudson and Michael, along with a few other kids, in the KDGM studio. Cut to Madeline in some college class. She reaches under her desk and feels around, and feels gum, which makes her recoil her hand in disgust. She looks to her left and sees Dirk Jameson. She blinks with shock, and then sees it’s actually just some kid who looks a lot like him. She then goes back studying her notes. Cut to Ryan driving Sarah off the Hansbay High campus for lunch. Then cut to them eating at a Sonic Drive-thru. Sarah just puts her food down and runs her nose through Ryan’s hair. Ryan drops his food too and throws her into the back seat and they start making out and removing shirts and dropping down to the car floor. Sarah throws some other bag of fast food out of the way to make space. Cut to Madeline studying alone in her apartment. A knock at the door is heard. She gets up and goes to answer it. She opens the door and sees Aedesh as the song ends on the line “God is Gay”)

 

MADELINE: What are you doing here?

 

AEDESH: Oh! Thanks. Best friend. I was just here to study, but whatever.

 

(Madeline giggles)

 

MADELINE: Come in.

 

(Aedesh takes his back pack and walks in and Madeline shuts the door. Fade to black)

 

THE END


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