The Donahues Episode 123

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan, Sarah, Brennan, Eric, Cynthia and Delaware go to homecoming and an after-party at Jordan’s new boyfriend’s house and Brennan’s house and later Ethan confronts Ryan about his drug abuse and they connect in the meantime

Submitted: October 04, 2013

A A A | A A A

Submitted: October 04, 2013









“What was is…since 2012; how innocent the nights we made it on our Vesuvio martinis with no vermouth but vodka to sweeten the dry gin-- the lash across my face that night we adored…soon every night and all, when your sweet, amorous repetition changed”

  • Robert Lowell


(We start with Ryan in a dressing room wearing a black suit with a dark blue shirt, black tie and VANS shoes. He is trying to pull down the shirt cuff to cover up a cutting scar, but it is not quite going far enough)


RYAN: Well, this one’s a non-starter. Although, it could definitely get me attention, so there’s that to consider.


(Cut to outside the dressing room, Kimberly is knocking on the door)


KIMBERLY: Ryan, they do not Anarchy Symbol cuff links.


(Ryan comes out of the dressing room)


RYAN: Then what is the point of this whole homecoming experience anyway? Other than to please the corporate interest groups and the special corporate-




(Cut to Sarah in her black dress in her bathroom, putting on bright red lipstick. Amy comes in wearing a double-sided mum with ribbons, school spirit ornaments and muffins hanging off of it)


AMY: Sarah!


SARAH: Whoa. Hi.


AMY: I made you a mum!


SARAH: I’m pretty sure Ryan was supposed to make me my mum. Also, that’s an enormous mum.


AMY: Double sided too! I want you to dance in this!


SARAH: Why is there food hanging off of the mum?


AMY: Because you’re my sweetie muffin!


SARAH: It’s going to rot!


AMY: Well, yeah, it might. But it also has numerous dollar signs hanging off of it. (She shakes the mum to make the dollar sign necklaces on it shake) Now people know it costs money to get your heart!


SARAH: I don’t think that came out as you intended it to.


AMY: Most importantly, it spells Sarah without the H because Hobby Lobby was out of Hs.


SARAH: Terrific. Thanks, mom.


AMY: No problem!


(Amy walks away, breathing heavily, bearing the weight of the mum)


SARAH: …Dumb moms make dumb mums…


(Cut to Ryan on his cell phone in his office in his suit)


GERVASIO: (On the phone) So, it’s too bad we weren’t able to see each other when you were in Amherst.


RYAN: Yeah, that did suck. Next time I’m down there we can chill.


GERVASIO: Totally. By the way, there’s a phone banking operation this next Thursday in Burlington, it could be potentially helpful for Governor Shumlin’s re-election campaign in 2014.


RYAN: Right, right. Yeah, I’ll uh…see if I can make that.


GERVASIO: Yeah, it’s just that, last time I suggested you do that, you didn’t end up coming to it, you didn’t answer our calls the entire day trying to remind you and stuff.


RYAN: I, uh, I’m sorry to hear that you remember me doing that.


GERVASIO: That’s-wow. That does not count as being apologetic.


RYAN: God, okay, Gervasio, I’m sorry, but I’ve been super busy. I am drowning in catch-up balls and I’m having to lap every one of my teachers to make passing grades for the six weeks!


GERVASIO: I don’t think that came out as you intended it to.


RYAN: Trust me, it did, and I’m sort of on this “give a shit about school” kick, and I have homecoming tomorrow, so it’s difficult for me to make time for political stuff, especially with my band and my constant back appointments and all. BUT I promise I will be there on Thursday.


GERVASIO: Okay, that’s fine. I’ll tell the Chittenden Young Dems that you’ll be there.


RYAN: Thanks.




(Ryan hangs up. And runs his hands through his hair and closes his eyes and leans back)


RYAN: Oh my God…


(Cut to Ashton, the burnout drug dealer, hanging out under a tree, wearing a tank top and skinny jeans. He is on the phone and is smoking a cigarette)


ASHTON: I would sell you that meth, but I’m gonna be watching the Breaking Bad season finale that night, ya understand?


(Ryan walks up to him)


RYAN: Hey-oh, he’s on the phone.


ASHTON: Hey, I’ll have to call you back.


(Ryan looks offscreen)


RYAN: Guys, he’s on the phone. (Pan over to a five year old blowing bubbles, and then pan back) SHH!


ASHTON: Bye. (Ashton hangs up) Wassup?


RYAN: Hey bro, do you have what I want?


ASHTON: Totally, Ryan. You know you’re my favorite customer, right?


RYAN: And you’re my second or third favorite drug dealer.


ASHTON: We should totally hang out sometime. Anyway, here it is. (Ashton takes out a baggie with a blotter paper of acid in it) Fresh from my psychologist’s office.


RYAN: Wow, a blotter paper of acid. I never thought I’d see the day.


ASHTON: Well, here it is. Now hand over the scratch.


RYAN: How much again? Ten bucks?


ASHTON: It’s ten dollars.


RYAN: Shit. Acid prices are not what they used to be. (Ryan takes out his wallet and takes out a crisp ten dollar bill) When my Uncle Paul was taking acid, he could get a dose for 6.50 at most. And I can’t believe people born in 1992 are already old enough to drink! What happened to that show Even Stephven, huh?


ASHTON: Are you going to give me the ten dollars?


RYAN: Here. (Ryan hands him the ten bucks) Hell, make it two doses.


(Ryan gives him another ten dollars)


ASHTON: Have you ever taken acid before?



(Ashton gives him the second blotter paper and Ryan puts both blotter papers in his pocket)


ASHTON: Well, just be sure to be around some trusted friends and make sure you’re in a good mood when you drop the acid, otherwise you’ll risk a bad trip. Okay?


RYAN: Thanks, man. You know what, you’re my favorite drug dealer now, at least you give me some helpful tips.


ASHTON: No problem. And if you ever want (he holds up a bag of Krokodil, a cheap form of heroin) any Krokodil, let me know.


RYAN: Jesus, isn’t that the cheap form of heroin that is rotting people’s skin away?


ASHTON: …Shit, you news, don’t you?


RYAN: Yeah, you sociopath.


(Cut to Eric and Brennan in suits with VANS shoes outside the ballroom where homecoming is taking place)


BRENNAN: Who is this chick you’re meeting up with?


ERIC: She’s a super cute chick named Cynthia Fleishmann. I think she, like, completes me or something.


BRENNAN: You haven’t even met her, nuqqa! Also, from the looks of your Android background, Fluttershy completes you.


ERIC: That is so true. (Eric takes out his Android to reveal the “My Little Pony” character Fluttershy is his background image) Fluttershy is the cute one, but Rainbow Dash is the bad boy.


BRENNAN: They’re magical ponies, how are any of them “bad boys”?


(Delaware walks over wearing a suit)


DELAWARE: Eric Sullivan man!


ERIC: Delaware!

(Eric and Delaware hug and then detach)


BRENNAN: Delaware?


DELAWARE: Yeah, you’re uh, Brandon right?


BRENNAN: Brennan, what are you doing here?


DELAWARE: I’m Delaware, not Brennan.


BRENNAN: I’m Brennan.


DELAWARE: No, I AM! I mean-shit. I got confused. It’s the schizophrenia, you know how it is.


BRENNAN: Don’t even worry about it.


ERIC: I think he means to ask what you’re doing here.


BRENNAN: Nuqqa, I said “don’t even worry about it”!


DELAWARE: I’m here because Eric invited me, because we go way back. However, Michelle did for whatever reason not want to make the three-hour trip to Hansbay to sulk in a ballroom corner for two hours, but I did! So here I am.


BRENNAN: I heard you have schizophrenia.


DELAWARE: That’s what they tell me. That’s what all of them tell me. Moe, Larry and Curly.


ERIC: Did you name the voices in your head after the three stooges?


DELAWARE: Yeah, I’m kind of a beast in that regard.


(Cynthia walks over in a dress)


CYNTHIA: Which one of you swaggots is my homecoming date?


ERIC: That’s me.


CYNTHIA: Ooh, cool.


(Cynthia walks up to Eric)


CYNTHIA: You’re so skinny and short.


ERIC: Thanks, I don’t eat and I balance ten pounds on my head everyday.


CYNTHIA: I want see if I can rest my head on yours.


(Cynthia puts her chin on Eric’s head, forcing Eric to lean slightly forward)


ERIC: I can get used to this.


(Cut to Ryan and Sarah driving in a car together)


SARAH: All I’m saying is that LGBTQA is way too long, instead of having an acronym that stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, questioning and asexual, why not just use something as simple as GSD? Gender and Sexual Diversity.


RYAN: How are asexuals an oppressed minority? They should be able to just multiply, become the majority and take over the government!


SARAH: Not that kind of asexual, Ryan-


(Ryan gets a text and checks it)


RYAN: Oh, shit.


SARAH: What? Don’t say that, what?


RYAN: Nothing, it just appears that Delaware Payne is there.


SARAH: Delaware Payne?! He graduated!


RYAN: And yet his schizophrenic ass is at homecoming just to see Eric, Michelle is not even with him.


SARAH: Yeah, well it probably is because of the schizophrenia, it causes delusional behavior. As in, he’s delusional enough to think he can party with Seniors when he should be in college. Michelle, on the other hand, has some semblance of self-respect.


RYAN: Despite Delaware’s best efforts. (Ryan puts away his phone) Ugh, I hate Delaware.


SARAH: Just be civil.


RYAN: I’ll be civil, but I can still make dickish comments, like “huh, yeah I bet” or “well okay then” and “cool story bro”.


SARAH: If that’s your idea of being civil, don’t be civil.


RYAN: Well okay then…


(Cut to Ryan and Sarah walking up to Eric, Cynthia, Brennan and Delaware outside the ballroom)


BRENNAN: Welcome to the Gaylord Hansbay, otherwise known tonight as “have sex, drink and do drugs motherfuckin’ central”!


(They all shush him)


RYAN: Dude, be quiet, there are teachers everywhere.


BRENNAN: Oh, bullshit!


(Pan to the right to see Principal Maxell, Principal Duron and Mr. Pannell speaking to each other near them)


MR. PANNELL: I took a gander into one of those party buses, and I swear to you, it was a den of inequity.


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I feel like I need a Tyrannosaurus when I speak to you.


(Mr. Duron takes out a Thesaurus)




(Cut to Ethan walking into the laundry room on Monday night holding his phone to his ear)


ETHAN: Well, if you need to stay at the running club and plan the advertising for your 5k, then I guess I understand. If you want me to drop off some markers and poster board, I’d be more than willing to-oh, state of the art graphic artist? Okay. Maybe some glitter then, too. Okay, love you, bye. (Ethan hangs up. Ethan then opens the washer lid to see his clothes are ready. In turn, he opens the dryer to see it is filled with Ryan’s clothes. He sighs) Ugh. I wish I had gloves for this. It could burn my skin. (Ethan takes a big pile of Ryan’s clothes out of the dryer and throws them in a basket. He then brings the basket upstairs into Ryan’s bedroom. He sets the basket down on Ryan’s bed. He opens a drawer on his wardrobe and then folds a shirt. He is about to put a shirt in there when he sees a box labeled “Lucid in The Sky with Diamonds”. He opens the box to see a blotter paper of acid in a baggie. Ethan closes his eyes and takes out the drug) …Fuck. (Ethan sits on Ryan’s bed and opens his eyes) This is LSD…


(Ethan sighs and puts the LSD baggie in his pocket. He then walks downstairs just as Ryan walks in the door)


RYAN: Hey dad.


ETHAN: Where the hell were you?


RYAN: Whoa dad, don’t be such a nervous nelly as soon as I walk in the door, nervous nellies can’t take hostages.


ETHAN: Where were you?!


RYAN: Band rehearsal, calm down.


ETHAN: Ryan, I need to talk to you. In the living room.


RYAN: …Okay…I have homework, though…


ETHAN: Then skip it.


RYAN: Okay, so you aren’t mad about homework. Um, I can’t talk to you in the living room because I have to go give some dude whose car I hit my insurance information-


ETHAN: Nope, I’m not mad about that either, so you can skip it.


RYAN: God, I’m out of clues.


(Ryan walks into the living room and sits down as Ethan walks into the kitchen)


ETHAN: I’ll be out in a second.


(Ethan takes out a key and opens his liquor cabinet and takes out a bottle of Scotch and pours a little bit of scotch in two glasses. He then puts the bottle back and takes the drinks into the living room where Ryan is nervously tapping the couch)


RYAN: I know you haven’t watched your recording of the Breaking Bad series finale yet, trust me, I didn’t mean to tweet about it, but if it makes you feel better- (Ethan sits down and sets down the drinks) I haven’t seen it either, I don’t know if Walter really sticks a potato in Jesse’s ass-ho. Honestly, I don’t even know the premise of that show. What are the drinks for?


ETHAN: Enough. Here’s what this is really about. (Ethan takes out his keys and throws them onto the table) Shit, sorry, that wasn’t it. (Ethan reaches into his pocket and tosses out his pocket copy of the constitution) Nope, that’s not the one. (Ethan reaches into his other pocket and then tosses the baggie of LSD onto the table) There it is.


RYAN: Whoa.


ETHAN: What the fuck is that?


RYAN: Gerbil food?


ETHAN: Well, now I know what happened to all the gerbils I got you.


RYAN: No, listen, this is not what it looks like!

ETHAN: No, it looks like Lysergic acid diethylamide.


RYAN: Well, technically, it’s acid. I don’t think LSD has been taken since a psychologist tripped out in 1969.




RYAN: Can I start drinking now?


ETHAN: Go ahead.


(Ryan takes his drink and takes a sip)


RYAN: Wow, that’s strong. Why are you letting me drink while confronting me about possessing acid?


(Ethan takes a drink)


ETHAN: I just want us to talk to each other. Why do you have acid, Ryan?


RYAN: I don’t know, I bought it.


ETHAN: From who?


RYAN: A magician never reveals his sources.


ETHAN: Fine, but once again, why do you have acid?


RYAN: I don’t know, I bought it.


ETHAN: That’s not why, that’s still how.


RYAN: …I wanted to experience it, I guess. It’s like, one of those things you have to experience once, like seeing the Grand Canyon or taking acid at the Grand Canyon.


ETHAN: Ryan, acid is dangerous. It can stay in your spinal fluid, it can cause acid flashbacks, it prevents you from ever becoming a pilot, imagine going to work one day and suddenly, your boss is a gorilla.


RYAN: Isn’t that your experience every day you come in to work?


(Ethan smiles and chuckles, but then closes his mouth and tries to maintain a serious demeanor)


ETHAN: No, I will not succumb to your charm offensive. But yeah, acid can cause anxiety problems, which you already have, it can cause you to have bad trips that can last for up to twelve hours or you can even NEVER recover from them. It’s serious.


RYAN: You’re right, dad. I won’t take it.


ETHAN: You’ve already taken one, haven’t you?


RYAN: And how would you figure that?


ETHAN: Because homecoming was Saturday night.


RYAN: Well…okay, fair enough.


ETHAN: Who did you get it from?!


RYAN: Why is that of concern to you?


ETHAN: What did he, did he tell you it was going to help you “fit in”?


RYAN: I have never heard a drug dealer say that to anyone, in my life.


ETHAN: I can’t believe you…(Ethan puts his hand on his face) we have to hash this out, drink up.


RYAN: …Okay…what are we hashing out?


ETHAN: Just drink and we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.


(Ryan takes another sip of his alcohol. Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Eric, Cynthia, Delaware and Sarah pushing their way to through the crowd of people gathered closest to the speakers in the ball room. They are blasting “I Love It” by Icona Pop)








(They get to the center of the crowd)




(Brennan jumps into Ryan, who in turn, jumps into Eric, and a mosh pit is created with people being batted around like ping-pong balls. However, soon, it is just Eric in the middle of a circle of people)


ERIC: MOSH! MOSH! MO- (Someone punches him in the face) OW!


(Eric holds his nose and tilts his head back to contain a nose bleed)




ERIC: Oh, sorry. Could your girlfriend get me a tissue so I can stop this nose bleed?


RYAN: Dude, you can get your own tissue. She’s probably the worst person to ask for that, you just hit her.


(Eric runs out of the crowd and the circle is filled back up)












(Cut to Eric holding a tissue to his nose and leaning against the wall at the back of the ballroom. The school police officer is back there, leaning near him. Eric takes out a flask of alcohol and takes a swig of it and then, without looking, holds the flask near the police officer)


ERIC: Hey, do you want a swig?




(Eric looks and then retracts the flask)


ERIC: Oh, sorry, I thought you were a teacher.




(Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Delaware and Sarah walking out of the ball room to see Eric and Cynthia sitting outside of it)


RYAN: What are you guys doing here?


ERIC: I offered some booze to a cop by accident, so he took a swig and told me to sit out here for five minutes.


(They all laugh)


BRENNAN: Nuqqa, aren’t you a Mormon now?


ERIC: Yeah, just not a very good one. I’m almost as bad a Mormon as Mitt Romney is, but you know what, I’m actually sort of getting into Catholicism right now, because of this new cool Pope.


RYAN: Yeah, Pope Francis is pretty awesome.


ERIC: Yeah, he says they should stop obsessively focusing on gays, abortions and contraceptives and focus more on helping the poor and opening the flood gates for Atheists to get into Heaven and be condescending eternally.


SARAH: Or maybe study liberal arts and spell “Katie” with a D.


ERIC: Exactly! He’s the cool Pope.


DELAWARE: He drives a 1983 Renault, I heard.


RYAN: He lives in a studio apartment in the Vatican, he uses a shower curtain as a room divider, I bet.


ERIC: He’s awesome.


RYAN: Anyway, you weren’t missing much in the ball room. A lot of it was just people trying to figure out which of the water coolers was not drugged.


ERIC: I want to stay for a bit longer, though.


CYNTHIA: Yeah, I can’t go to any after-parties or anything, so this dance is the only time I can hang out with Eric.


RYAN: Fair enough. We’ll see you guys in there.


(They walk back inside and gather as “Thrift Shop” blares over the speakers)


DELAWARE: This dance is so gay.


BRENNAN: You mean the dance you traveled three hours to attend?


DELAWARE: Yeah, this dance is such a gay wad.


SARAH: You guys and your negativity.


RYAN: You know what? We’re going to enjoy this if you don’t mind! HOW’S THAT?!


SARAH: Energy level, Ryan.


RYAN: Sorry.


(Ryan and Sarah start making out)




BRENNAN: Want to go approach lonely girls in blue dresses?


DELAWARE: Yeah, I guess.


(Delaware and Brennan walk away. Principal Duron walks over to Ryan and Sarah)


PRINCIPAL DURON: Hey. Hey, you uh…you guys can’t do that. You guys…aren’t allowed. To do that. Not here, at least. Um…


(Ryan stops making out for a second)


RYAN: Fuck off.


(Ryan goes back to making out)


PRINCIPAL DURON: …Okay. Carry on then, call that a warning, I guess. Or something, I don’t know.


(Principal Duron walks away. Cut to Delaware and Brennan walking up to a lonely girl in a blue dress sitting at a table)


BRENNAN: Hey there.


DELAWARE: I see that you’re alone, and that seems unacceptable.


BRENNAN: However, I have arrived. On a trusty steed.


(Brennan tossles Delaware’s hair)


DELAWARE: Fuck are you doin’ man?


BRENNAN: Make a horse noise, she’s too young for you anyway.


GIRL: Ugh, I’m just waiting for my date to get back from the shitter.


(The date comes back and takes the girl by the arm, away from them)


DELAWARE: She had a foul mouth.


BRENNAN: No kidding.


(Delaware takes out a flask of alcohol)


DELAWARE: Do you want any?




(Brennan takes the flask and takes a large swig and gives it back to him)




BRENNAN: Don’t even worry about it.




(Cut to Ryan, Sarah, Brennan and Delaware walk out of the ball room later that night to see Eric and Cynthia talking)


RYAN: Hey, Eric, are you ready to go? It’s 11:30, most people are gone.


ERIC: Can we have like, ninety more minutes?


RYAN: Dude…no, right? That’s so many minutes!


BRENNAN: Eric, I drove you here, so we go now.


ERIC: All I’m asking for is fifteen minutes. Don’t talk block me on this.


DELAWARE: Eric, you’ve been talking to her all night.


ERIC: Guys, I am trying to get my TONGUE wet here!


BRENNAN: Oh my God…


RYAN: Eric, I am pretty anxious to do…certain things. You can understand.


ERIC: No, I don’t.


SARAH: Yeah, I don’t either.


RYAN: Um…iHop is what I meant.


SARAH: You never like to eat in public, so that’s a lie.


RYAN: Oh God…


(Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Delaware, Sarah and Eric walking up to a huge house. There are many cars parked on the street. Brennan is drinking some of the flask)


ERIC: Dude, his parents are here! Put that away!




(Brennan gives it back to Delaware)


SARAH: Whose house is this?


RYAN: It’s Jay Bartlett’s house, he’s Jordan DeFazio’s new boyfriend, and he makes Dub Step, which is actually pretty good. He’s the Skrillex of his generation.


ERIC: Isn’t Skrillex the Skrillex of his generation?


(Ryan knocks on the door)


BRENNAN: Is there weed here?


ERIC: That smell certainly isn’t barbecue.


(Jordan opens the door, and a bunch of partiers are behind her, including Ryan Marcy, who is shirtless)


JORDAN: Hey! Come in, guys!

(Delaware, Brennan, Eric and Sarah come in, but just as Ryan is about to walk in, Ryan Marcy speaks up)


MARCY: Whoa! YOU can’t come in here!


(Ryan looks down at his feet as Ryan Marcy begins to shut the door, but Jordan opens it back up)


JORDAN: Hey Ryan! This is my ex-boyfriend’s brother, Ryan Donahue, and if you two don’t get along, stay away from each other.


(Ryan looks back up)


SARAH: Yeah, if Ryan’s not let in, then we’re all leaving.


MARCY: …Fine, come in.


(Ryan walks in and Jordan shuts the door)


JORDAN: Sorry about that.


(Ryan Marcy walks away)


RYAN: It wasn’t his decision anyway.


JORDAN: Yeah, he’s sort of a Napoleonic freak.


RYAN: And his shirt apparently ran away from home.


(Jordan laughs)


JORDAN: Yeah. How’s Jacob?


(Ryan looks at Jordan)


RYAN: Take a wild guess.


JORDAN: Is he dead?


RYAN: What-no!

(Jay’s mother comes in)


JAY’S MOTHER: Alright, everybody sign in with your name, number, emergency contact, medical history, allergies and political affiliation. We have peanut butter-filled pretzels in the kitchen and a bee farm in the back, a cat upstairs and three entire bowls of chalk dust.


(Ryan walks over and signs in)


BRENNAN: I’m allergic to peanut butter, bees, cats and chalk dust.


JAY’S MOTHER: Then put it down on the sheet!


(Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Sarah, Delaware, Eric, Jordan and Jay in Jay’s room. Jordan is coming out of the closet with a cup of alcohol)


JORDAN: I made you a DeFazio special, Brennan.


BRENNAN: Dope, let me see it. (Brennan takes the drink and takes a sip) Wow, that’s strong, how much Coke did you put in there?


JORDAN: Was Mr. Pibb okay?


BRENNAN: Ugh, absolutely not.


JORDAN: Understandable.


(Jordan takes his drink and Jay and Jordan go into the bathroom)


RYAN: Hey Sarah.


SARAH: What?


RYAN: Check this out.


(Ryan takes out the baggie of acid)


SARAH: …What the hell is that?

RYAN: It’s acid.


(Cut to Ryan and Ethan drinking together on Monday night. They are both slightly tipsy)


ETHAN: What I don’t understand is why President Obama and Harry Reid won’t negotiate with Republicans about it…


RYAN: Because ObamaCare is the law, whether they like it or not, the exchanges are going to open tomorrow.


ETHAN: Great! So CNN’s clock is also a countdown to socialism.


RYAN: For them, it’s a countdown to an orgasm. But the point is, Republicans are the ones at fault here, not Democrats.


ETHAN: It’s both sides.


RYAN: No it’s not! ObamaCare has nothing to do with funding the government! Imagine what would happen if Obama conditioned funding the government on Congress passing a bill to build a statue of Che Guevara on Reagan’s gravesite. The point isn’t that Democrats aren’t willing to compromise, the point is that it is inappropriate to hold the government’s funding hostage!


ETHAN: That is so inflammatory.


RYAN: Really?


ETHAN: Yeah.


RYAN: Is it? You know what else is inflammatory? Furloughing 800,000 federal workers for political reasons. If this is a hostage situation, I think the GOP is committing suicide by cop.


ETHAN: Shit. In your drunken ramblings, I think you may have made an actual point.


RYAN: I’m not drunk, are you?


ETHAN: Pretty tipsy on my end.


RYAN: Lightweight.


ETHAN:  But let’s get down to the nitty grits of this, kid. Your Math teacher contacted me, saying you need to try harder in her class.


RYAN: Yeah, I already had this conversation with her-


ETHAN: And instead you’re doing acid!


RYAN: If it makes you feel better, if you look closely on the blotter paper the acid is on, it’s actually a times table.


ETHAN: That doesn’t make me feel better, you should know your times tables by now anyway.


RYAN: That’s a fair point.


ETHAN: Why do you do this, Ryan? Impulsively taking drugs like this, ignoring all the dangers, why do you do this to your parents, siblings, friends, the people that love you?


(Ryan stares off. Cut to Sarah and Ryan speaking in Jay’s garage. Dub step is blasting and a strobe light is going off)


SARAH: Ryan, you are NOT taking acid.


RYAN: Sarah, do it with me!!


SARAH: NO! That stuff is freaky.


RYAN: Exactly, it expands your mind! It takes you to a different universe, a better universe, one without the shitty stresses of everyday life!

SARAH: Ryan, you could have a bad trip. Like, going camping with your family but ten times worse.


RYAN: That only happens when I’m in a bad mood when I take it, and you are dangerously close to setting off a bad mood for me, so just take it with me while I’m still in a good mood! Sarah!!


SARAH: Oh, you bastard. Fine, you can take it. But I am not taking it, I will, just, be your, spirit guide or whatever.


RYAN: See? Compromise! Congress could learn from us!


SARAH: You mean they should take LSD?


RYAN: It’s acid, there’s a diff.


(Ryan puts the acid blotter paper on his tongue. Brennan and Eric come in)


ERIC: So this is happening, huh?


SARAH: Yeah unfortunately.


RYAN: You want in, Eric?


ERIC: As much as I’d like to speak to Fluttershy, I fear a bad trip would turn into me feigning divorce proceedings with Rainbow Dash. Bitch won’t get a dime. Plus, I don’t do drugs anymore.


RYAN: Fuckin’ Bronies, man. What about you Brennan?


BRENNAN: (Slur) Nah, nuqqa, I’m good, God, I’m so drunk though, I want to climb something…


(Brennan walks away)


ERIC: Shit, who’s the designated?


(Cut to Brennan talking to some girl in Jay’s backyard)


BRENNAN: You have pretty nice eyes…


GIRL: Thank you…?


BRENNAN: I could see myself thinking that, years down the road, you know what I mean?


GIRL: Sure.


(The girl looks down to assuage the awkwardness, Brennan also looks down, but eventually looks up and meets her eyes)


BRENNAN: I’m afraid of creeps, ya know?


GIRL: You’re being one.


(Cut to Delaware and Eric talking to Jay in Jay’s backyard. Jay has brown hair that is spiked upward in the front and is wearing a multi-colored, partially silver jacket)


JAY: I don’t know, I feel like the dub step genre is really sort of selling out, which is weird, considering, it’s like, fifteen minutes old.


(They both laugh)


DELAWARE: That’s true. Did you know Skrillex and Korn collaborated on their most recent album, the Path of Totality?


ERIC: Shit, really?


DELAWARE: It was just fucking awful.


JAY: Yeah, I could imagine.


ERIC: Skrillex and Korn sounds like something an eight-year old wouldn’t want to eat at the dinner table but his dad would force him to anyway. “Son! Eat your Skrillex and Korn!”


(They all laugh)


DELAWARE: By the way, Jay, 2025 called, they want their jacket back.


(Jay looks down at his jacket)


JAY: What?


(Brennan walks over)


BRENNAN: Guys, Ryan is staring into a piano right now.




(They all start laughing, except for Jay, who seems confused)


DELAWARE: We have to see this!

(They run away, except for Jay)


JAY: What’s the big idea here?


(Cut to a piano in the front foyer. Trey is playing it, quite well. Ryan, who is clearly amazed, is staring into the piano. Other people are watching Trey play too, including a visibly embarrassed Sarah. Brennan, Eric and Delaware come into the room and hold their mouths to keep from laughing)


DELAWARE: You look what you see there, Ryan?


RYAN: Yeah…it’s beautiful…


SARAH: Jesus, Ryan, it’s just the inside of a piano. I’m more amazed that Trey Goodlatte is inexplicably good at piano.


(Colleen comes over)


COLLEEN: He’s a virtuosoloist. Play the diss track we wrote about Sarah, babe. (Trey starts playing a different song) How does that feel?


SARAH: How is it a diss track if there’s no words?


RYAN: Whoa! Those keys are movin’ like…(He starts blowing air on the piano) nothin’ else… (Ryan turns around) You know what I mean?!


SARAH: No, they don’t.


DELAWARE: Ryan, what do I look like?


(Delaware starts dancing really crazily while laughing, but then Sarah grabs a hold of him)


SARAH: Stop! You’re gonna freak him out!

(Ryan licks Sarah’s neck)


RYAN: Does that freak you out too?


SARAH: A little bit, yeah.


(Sarah lets go of Delaware)


BRENNAN: Let’s go to the backyard.


RYAN: I agree!!!


(They all migrate toward through the kitchen, past a bunch of partiers, into the hallway, through the garage and into the backyard)


SARAH: It’s a nice night.


RYAN: Are you kidding me? It feels amazing out here.


SARAH: I know, I essentially said that.


BRENNAN: I’m gonna sit…by the pool, see if the chicks won’t come that way…


DELAWARE: You’ll definitely find that is the case.


BRENNAN: Why am I so drunk…?


(Brennan stumbles over and sits on a pool side chair)


SARAH: I’m going to get a drink, watch Ryan, okay?


ERIC: Will do, Sarah. I will watch him and laugh.


SARAH: God, I’m like a babysitter.


(Sarah goes inside and Jay and Jordan walk past Eric, Delaware and Ryan. Ryan is very glazed eyed)


DELAWARE: So, Ryan, what do you want to do… (Ryan takes off his shirt) okay then, why are you-?


(Ryan pulls down his pants to reveal his boxers)


(Delaware and Eric start laughing)


ERIC: Ryan, no!


(Brennan stumbles over)


RYAN: What?


(Brennan laughs)


BRENNAN: Ryan, you need to keep those on!


RYAN: It just feels so good out here…there’s a forest over there I can run into!

DELAWARE: That’s called a bush.


(Ryan start shambling over there, but then decides to pull his pants up and button them)


ERIC: There we go.


(And then Ryan runs into the bush and lands in it. Eric, Brennan and Delaware crack up and run over there)


DELAWARE: God, acid must be like schizophrenia in a pill. Of course for me, I don’t have to take the pill-WHAT?




DELAWARE: What did you just say?


BRENNAN: Nothing!


DELAWARE: I can see you what you’re up to, Brennan.


ERIC: Buddy, do you need help up?


RYAN: No! I like it here! I am one with nature!


ERIC: Your head is resting on a sprinkler head, buddy.




(Jay and Jordan walk over)


JAY: Is he okay?


BRENNAN: He’s better than I am or ever will be, Jay. He’s actually better than he’ll ever be again. But you’ll be better than him at certain points in your life- (Jay and Jordan walk away) okay.


(Cut to Sarah upstairs getting a drink. She takes a sip when Brandon Nehring walks in)


BRANDON: Well, hi there.


SARAH: Oh, God, hi Brandon.


BRANDON: Thanks for that warm welcome.


SARAH: Sorry, I’m just really stressed right now and the sight of your side-burns is not therapeutic.


BRANDON: Can you believe it’s been nearly a year since we broke up?


SARAH: Yes, I can, it’s late September and we broke up in mid-October of 2012, so it kind of makes chronological sense-


BRANDON: I saw your boyfriend running into a coat rack like it was an old friend downstairs.


SARAH: Perfect.


BRANDON: How are things there?


SARAH: Things aren’t perfect Brandon, is that what you want to hear?


BRANDON: Of course not, that kills me. Surely things aren’t awful.


SARAH: No, they aren’t awful, they’re just…difficult. Why do you need to know?


BRANDON: People Magazine, Sarah. Love him or hate him, that boyfriend of yours is going to be big one day. You just have to make sure he lives to see it.


(Brandon raises his drink to her, takes a sip and leaves. Sarah furrows her brow. Cut to Ryan and Ethan in the living room, drinking and singing together)




(They laugh)


ETHAN: You know that song?!

RYAN: Of course! Pink Floyd is amazing, I like metal, but I still appreciate the classics.


ETHAN: That song made my teenage years. It came out when I was fourteen or fifteen, I think, and I just jammed to it.


RYAN: That’s awesome. So hey, did you ever do drugs or drink when you were a teenager?


ETHAN: No, because my brother did so many drugs and I didn’t want to become like him. I mean, I would drink sometimes, but mostly during sleepovers when we’d steal some of my friend’s parents’ mead.


RYAN: Mead? Were your friend’s parents Danish Gods?


(Ethan chuckles)


ETHAN: …I don’t know, I thought about doing drugs at one point, to be honest.


RYAN: When? Why?


ETHAN: Um…1978.


RYAN: What happened?


ETHAN: I was trying skateboarding out once, when I was thirteen, it was just after Thanksgiving, and uh…I broke off one of my trucks when I repeatedly bashed the skateboard into my neighbor’s mail box.


RYAN: Why’d you do that?


ETHAN: So he told me he could help…repair the truck. If I just came in his house. And he was…creepy. I went inside his garage and uh…yeah. He repaired the truck. He re-attached it, good as new. But I avoided that house after that.


RYAN: So, wait, he didn’t do anything to you?


ETHAN: Oh no, he had sex with me.




ETHAN: Yeah.


RYAN: You made it sound like he didn’t do anything!

ETHAN: I forgot to mention it, but yeah, he molested me.


RYAN: …Jesus…


ETHAN: Yep. Yep, yep, yep.


RYAN: Did you tell anybody?


ETHAN: Nope. Not anybody, until 1993. I was married to your mother, and uh, we were talking about the accusations against Michael Jackson, and it came up, and that was the first time I told anybody. In fact, you’re only one of three people on Earth who knows about it. Except for, the molester, who I hope to God is dead.


RYAN: How old was he?


ETHAN: At the time? Maybe…thirty? Which would put him in his early seventies nowadays.


RYAN: Wow. I never knew that. I’m so sorry to hear that.


ETHAN: Yeah.


RYAN: And you considered doing drugs because of that?


ETHAN: Yeah, in early ’79, my friend Darren offered me marijuana, which was basically the equivalent of smoking chewing tobacco compared to the pot of today. Anyway, I smoked a bit, just to forget about what Gerard Cosloy did to me, and after I didn’t react to it well, I became paranoid and considered jumping out of windows like reefer madness, mostly because I had watched that film, and so Darren offered me heroin, and I considered it again, but ultimately decided against it because that was the week Sid Vicious died of an overdose.


RYAN: Yeah, with heroin his mother bought him. You know, but I’m sure she just wanted to “provide a safe place for everyone to shoot up” so they wouldn’t get hurt.


(Ethan smiles)


ETHAN: Yeah, I’ve always loved that logic. But you can see now why I feel so strongly about you doing drugs and how upset I am about it. Ecstasy, acid, codeine, where does it end?


RYAN: I’ve never done hard drugs.


ETHAN: Ecstasy’s a hard drug! So is acid!


RYAN: Those are from the Earth, though!

ETHAN: They all are! Ryan, this is not just some teenage fluke, this is, this is habitual. (Ethan gets teary-eyed) We may have failed as parents, but you can still help yourself.


RYAN: …You haven’t failed as parents. I’ve failed as a son. What upsets me the most is that almost two months ago Jacob seemed like the bad one for going to prison and I seemed like some sort of better kid for getting involved in politics, but the truth is, I’m worse than Jacob. He just has terrible luck.


ETHAN: Then what are you gonna do about it?


(Ryan looks over to the VCR clock)


RYAN: It’s midnight…


ETHAN: Ryan, focus.


RYAN: The government has shut down.


ETHAN: Great, yeah, we all knew that was going to happen, but I need you to focus.


RYAN: Where the hell is Kimberly?


ETHAN: Shit, that’s a good question.


(Cut to Senator Ted Cruz standing in the halls of the Capitol building)


SENATOR CRUZ: It’s midnight.


(A janitor shuts the lights off and giggles)


JANITOR: WAIT! The electric company won’t turn our lights off for another month! HOORAH!


TED CRUZ: Everything’s going to be okay.


(In the dark, you hear what sounds like Ted Cruz patting the janitor on the back repeatedly. But when the janitor turns the lights back on, you see Ted Cruz is patting his own ass. The janitor giggles again.Cut to Ryan, Delaware and Eric getting out of a car in front of Brennan’s house. Sarah and Brennan got out of another car and the five meet in the driveway)


SARAH: Okay, I’m glad Delaware was sober enough to drive our good friend Ryan here, but Ryan, Brennan, you guys need to suppress your intoxication.


RYAN: I’m fine. I may be tripping balls, but I can dance around them in front of Brennan’s dad.


BRENNAN: I don’t know man, I feel too drunk to act normal…


DELAWARE: Dude, don’t FUCK this on us! I mean, FUCK us on this! Fuck you! No, fuck you!


SARAH: Delaware, tell Moe and Larry to go away.


DELAWARE: You guys don’t control me.


RYAN: Get your shit together, Brennan.


BRENNAN: How the fuck are you not rubbing your nipples here?


RYAN: it’s called self-control! WOW! Ever heard of it, Brennan?!


SARAH: Ryan, shut up.


RYAN: Fine. Also, Sarah, we’re going to have to sneak you in. I’ll leave the door cracked and call when you can come in.


SARAH: God, this is so sexist.


BRENNAN: Sexist that my dad doesn’t want to leave you alone with a schizophrenic, an acid-head, a drunk kid and a Mormon?


SARAH: He doesn’t know half those things.


(They walk into Brennan’s house and Brennan’s father comes out of his bedroom in pajamas)


NORMAN: Hello, boys. Did you have fun?


RYAN: Yes sir.


NORMAN: Brennan? Did you?


(Brennan bits his upper lip and nods)


NORMAN: Heh. Brennan? Did a hooker cut off your tongue?


BRENNAN: Excuse me?


NORMAN: Sorry, I’ve just heard they do that sometimes. Anyway, don’t make too much noise.


RYAN: Yes sir, you’ve got something on your shirt by the way.


NORMAN: Really? (He looks down on his shirt) I don’t see anything.


DELAWARE: Neither do I.


NORMAN: What’s the color?


RYAN: It’s a rainbow…stain.


BRENNAN: Let’s go upstairs!

(They all herd upstairs, leaving Norman confused. Jeff Sanford comes out of his room in pajamas)


JEFF: Hey dad.


NORMAN: Back to bed, Jeffrey.


(Norman walks away)


JEFF: They are so stoned up there.


(Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Delaware and Eric in Brennan’s game room, which has a kitchenette, a large TV screen, a wide couch and high-up tables and theatre seats and capabilities. Brennan is sitting in one of the theatre seats, not looking particularly hot, Eric is on a laptop, Delaware is drinking some of Eric’s flask, Ryan has his shirt off and has his face against the wall, as if he’s listening to it)


DELAWARE: This game room is fucking amazing. I miss Hansbay and its high-end rich kids.


BRENNAN: God, I am so sick of being this drunk. It’s like I snorted David Hasselhoff’s saliva.


ERIC: Ryan, what are you doing?


RYAN: The walls are breathing…I’m checking their pulse…does anybody have one of those little hammers so I can test the wall’s reflexes?


ERIC: No one would just have that on them.


(Ryan gets a phone call and answers it)


RYAN: Hello?


SARAH: (On the phone) Are you going to let me in?


RYAN: Oh yeah. I’ll be right back.


(Ryan hangs up and sneaks downstairs and opens the cracked open door and Sarah comes in, trailing in leaves behind her. She blows a leaf out of her hair)




RYAN: (Whispering) Why are you covered in leaves?


SARAH: (Whispering) You leave a girl out in the wilderness like that, and shit happens.


(Ryan smiles and they walk upstairs when they happen upon Brennan in the bathroom vomiting violently into the toilet as Eric and Delaware stand by)


RYAN: Oh. Shit. That escalated quickly. Didn’t it, Ted Cruz?


(Ryan looks over to see a hallucination of Ted Cruz)


SENATOR CRUZ: It sure did, Ryan. It sure did.


RYAN: What is your stance on ObamaCare, Senator?


SENATOR CRUZ: I am anti-ObamaCare, Ryan. I am anti-everything, in fact. I am anti-stance.


RYAN: Isn’t that, in itself, a stance though?




(Senator Cruz fades away and disappears. Cut to Brennan sitting in his game room with Ryan, Eric, Sarah and Delaware on the couch. Ryan is in Sarah’s lap)


BRENNAN: I feel much better now. But let me tell you something, I’m, never drinking again.


SARAH: Everybody says that after throwing up, Brennan.


BRENNAN: No, for real, I’m not. I really don’t like the person I become when I’m drunk. I am going full, straight-edge.


ERIC: Straight-edge. Yeah, a lot of rehab camp alumni were straight-edge once they got out too. But then college punched them in the face and told them they had to be hung over by 7pm every day.


BRENNAN: I’m gonna try. No drugs, no alcohol-




BRENNAN: No, I can still have sex! Who said I couldn’t have sex? Is that included in straight-edge?


RYAN: I don’t know, but let me tell you something, “Straight Edge” by Minor Threat, fucking sucks.


BRENNAN: Well, the punk community is too known for its hedonism and excessive drug and alcohol use. Sorry for trying to change that.


RYAN: Take the mantle, Brennan, straight-edge for exactly five minutes.


DELAWARE: Hey! Don’t fight, guys! Because you know what? Ryan, I sort of hated you before because you used to date Michelle and she always talks smack about you-


(Ryan smiles)


RYAN: She talks about me?


DELAWARE: Oh my God, it’s not a good thing.


SARAH: Ryan…


DELAWARE: Anyway, I now realize that you’re pretty cool. And Brennan, I didn’t really like you because-


BRENNAN: You didn’t even know me until today!


DELAWARE: I get that! But I still didn’t like you at first because you walked around acting like you were so goddamn adorable-


ERIC: To be fair, he has a reason to believe that.


DELAWARE: But now I figure, you’re cool too.


BRENNAN: Thanks, nuqqa. I think you’re chill as well.


RYAN: Then we’re all in agreement! We’re all chill! WAIT!




RYAN: How much time passed between Brennan saying “I think you’re chill as well” and me saying “We’re all chill”?


BRENNAN: Like, two se-


ERIC: Thirty minutes!




SARAH: Don’t…


(Brennan smiles)


BRENNAN: Yeah, for half an hour you were just staring at a popcorn bag sitting in a turned-off microwave.


RYAN: God, now I’m having time lapses.


SARAH: You’ll be fine, Ryan, just don’t think about it.


RYAN: WHOA. Okay, Sarah, you just said that, and I was there.


SARAH: ….Yeah. (Cut to a few hours later. Eric, Brennan and Eric are playing League of Legends against each other on laptops on the couch while Ryan and Sarah are sitting in a corner, making out. Sarah detaches from Ryan for a second) Wait.


RYAN: What?


SARAH: Could I get acid residue from your saliva?


RYAN: I don’t think so. Otherwise I’d be a very rich man right now. (Sarah laughs and continues making out with Ryan. Cut to an hour later. Ryan is lying next to Sarah on the large lofty couch, where Brennan, Eric and Delaware are also sleeping. Sarah is now asleep, but Ryan is still wide awake. Ryan feels Sarah’s shoulder and then looks at the ceiling) There is nothing left to stimulate me.


(Cut to black)



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