The Donahues Episode 129

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Brennan is pursued by a girl, Ryan gains punk rock cred but desires more than that and Ethan and Kimberly go house hunting just as Ethan turns forty-eight years old

Submitted: November 05, 2013

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Submitted: November 05, 2013

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THE DONAHUES

 

“THE GUEST ROOM”

 

TV-MA DLS

 

“I want 'CREDIBILITY' graved on a stone for me when I die. For power is such that I have all I want when I finally die”

  • Carole Moran

 

(We start with Ethan at his computer in the apartment. Kimberly walks up behind him)

 

KIMBERLY: What are you up to, honey?

 

ETHAN: I’m just looking up other people that are forty-eight this year to feel better about myself.

 

KIMBERLY: Doesn’t seem like it’s working out.

 

ETHAN: Nope, because I have Ben Stiller, Bashar Al-Assad, Charlie Sheen, Sarah Jessica Parker and worst of all, Andy Dick.

 

KIMBERLY: He’s the worst among those five people?

 

ETHAN: Yeah, because at least Assad isn’t gay.

 

KIMBERLY: He does have a lisp, so-wait, why am I trying to convince you Assad is gay?!

 

ETHAN: You were halfway there.

 

KIMBERLY: Listen, forty-eight’s not a bad age. You’re not fifty yet, so there’s THAT.

 

ETHAN: Well, in two years, you’ll be saying that I’m not sixty-five yet and how great that is, so…I guess suicide is the next logical step?

 

KIMBERLY: So Ryan got it from you…

 

ETHAN: What?

 

KIMBERLY: Nothing. Now hurry up and get ready, we have to go house hunting.

 

ETHAN: I’ll get my orange vest.

 

(Kimberly chuckles)

 

KIMBERLY: Alright, Ethan. (She walks into the next room. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly outside their apartment. Ethan is wearing an orange sweater vest) Okay, so you weren’t kidding.

 

ETHAN: I was kidding, this isn’t a hunting vest.

 

KIMBERLY: But it is orange. A rather…deafening orange.

 

ETHAN: This is making you deaf?

 

KIMBERLY: I can barely hear you over the orange.

 

(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly parked outside a for-sale house)

 

NPR: Blackberry has announced that tomorrow is the final deadline for someone to buy their company.

 

ETHAN: Well, shit, I better break open my piggy bank.

 

KIMBERLY: I think I have to make a call, then.

 

ETHAN: God, so desperate. “Tomorrow’s the last day guys! I’m serious! No goin’ back!”

 

KIMBERLY: “Crackberry” is not an accurate term, because unlike crack, people got tired of blackberries.

 

ETHAN: Well, they’re better technology than whatever the hell is running healthcare.gov.

 

KIMBERLY: Oh yeah, that’s still going on.

 

ETHAN: Kathleen Sebelius is the worst woman I have ever only known about for a month.

 

KIMBERLY: Yeah, well she was resilient in front of that House committee. Think about it, she had to smile her way through “Wizard of Oz” jokes and avoid choking grandstanding Congressmen who insisted that she should enter the exchanges even though it’s illegal.

 

ETHAN: Hey, if she really wants to relate to the poor, she should start breaking the law to get by like they do, maybe become the next Heisenberg.

 

KIMBERLY: No, because Heisenberg had a smoother-running operation.

 

ETHAN: Would that make Congress Jesse?

 

KIMBERLY: Do not insult Jesse by comparing him to Congress.

 

(Ethan laughs)

 

ETHAN: …When is the woman going to be here?

 

KIMBERLY: It’s a man, actually.

 

ETHAN: Whatever, when is she going to be here?

 

KIMBERLY: I don’t know, she said she’d be running late.

 

ETHAN: Ugh…um…how’s business?

 

KIMBERLY: Slow. The ad has been playing before YouTube videos in local markets, but that “skip after five seconds” option isn’t convenient when we don’t get the name or phone number for the business until five minutes into the ad.

 

ETHAN: Jesus. Just pull it, start from scratch.

 

KIMBERLY: Or I could just put the name, number and what we do in the first five seconds.

 

ETHAN: But then what about the racquetball genie? How can they miss that genius and understand the Arabian twist you put into your racquetball production?

 

KIMBERLY: Yeah, the crescent on the handle really justifies it.

 

ETHAN: By the way, Leonard and Lynn moved to Rhode Island.

 

KIMBERLY: Really?

 

ETHAN: Yeah.

 

KIMBERLY: Why?

 

ETHAN: I guess to get away from his gay brother.

 

KIMBERLY: That’s not really the reason, right?

 

ETHAN: No, they just wanted to be close to Madeline because she’s so far removed from the family here. Which, I think, was her intention. But she hasn’t grown to hate her grandparents yet.

 

KIMBERLY: I don’t think she hates us. She was never as angsty as Jacob was or Ryan is.

 

ETHAN: True. But she wasn’t as responsible as she may be made herself out to be.

 

KIMBERLY: Why are we doing post-mortems on our children?

 

ETHAN: So we don’t have to have this conversation in our minds at 3am while watching a fan ceiling, I guess.

 

KIMBERLY: Well, we do need to visit Rhode Island more often.

 

ETHAN: Yeah. What are we doing for my birthday tomorrow anyway?

 

KIMBERLY: …Buying a house.

 

(Ethan and Kimberly see their Real Estate agent and get out of the car to go over and greet him)

 

ETHAN: Hi, I’m Ethan.

 

(The real estate agent shakes Ethan’s hand)

 

REAL ESTATE AGENT: Andrew Buchanan, house seller dude.

 

(He shakes Kimberly’s hand)

 

KIMBERLY: Nice to meet you.

 

ANDREW: You as well. Kimberly, I presume?

 

KIMBERLY: Don’t presume, but yes.

 

ANDREW: Great, great. Sorry about the dead squirrel in the drive way.

 

(Pan to a dead squirrel in the driveway)

 

ETHAN: Yeah, what’s that about?

 

ANDREW: It was a warning to all the squirrels chewing through our signs, wiring and windows.

 

KIMBERLY: They were chewing through your windows?

 

ANDREW: I couldn’t believe it either. But alas, now you believe it.

 

KIMBERLY: I still don’t.

 

(Cut to Brennan sitting in front of his TV, staring at the XBOX start screen)

 

BRENNAN: …The green and whiteness…so swag…

 

(Brennan slaps himself and then gets on his laptop to see he has three new messages on Facebook. He looks at them. The first one was sent on October 31, 2013 at 5:24 PM from Coin. It says “On Facebook we are suggested friends. We should change that!” and the second one, sent at 8:42 PM that same night, says “I hope that message wasn’t as creepy as it seemed” and the third message, sent at 10:24 AM on November 2, 2013, says “I’m so drunk, I’m sorry about that”. Brennan looks at these messages and laughs. He types a reply, saying “You can’t use the ‘currently drunk’ excuse when you send your messages over a period of two days lol”. Coin responds immediately, saying “OMG I’m sorry for being creepy. I just thought we should be Facebook friends or whatever”. Brennan replies “We can be. In fact, what are you doing tonight?” Cut to Coin at her computer. She is grinding her teeth with excitement. Cut to Brennan at Hansbay Town Center, speaking with Chance McMiller, who is smoking an e-cigarette)

 

CHANCE: Basically, it’s all water vapor and nicotine. It’s not bad for you like real cigarettes are.

 

BRENNAN: Isn’t nicotine addictive though?

 

CHANCE: It can be. But so can coffee. (Chance turns to a small end table that is inexplicably there that has a Keurig coffee machine. He puts his roast in, presses the button and the coffee is dispensed into his cup and he turns back around to Brennan) You know what I mean?

 

BRENNAN: That coffee machine has no business being there, nuqqa.

 

(Coin walks up behind Brennan and she stands there, chewing her nails)

 

CHANCE: Wow, you look like you were hit by a train.

 

BRENNAN: I look cute as fuck-

 

COIN: He’s talking to me.

 

BRENNAN: Oh! (Brennan turns around) Hey, Coin. She looks nice, Chance.

 

CHANCE: Whatever.

 

(Chance takes a drag on his e-cig)

 

COIN: Well, at least I smoke REAL cigarettes like a REAL man. (Coin gets out a pack of cigarettes and takes one out and lights it and inhales and exhales) Right?

 

BRENNAN: I’m actually a straight-edge, so I don’t, indulge in anything. Besides sex.

 

COIN: Alright, then.

 

(Coin puts out her cigarette underneath her foot)

 

CHANCE: Well, I’ll leave you two perfect mismatches alone together, leave you to your little-you know, brother-pants sisterhood or whatever.

 

BRENNAN: Brother-pants sisterhood?!

 

CHANCE: Whatever it’s called!

 

BRENNAN: It’s the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and it’s not even tangentially related to us hanging out together, nuqqa!

 

CHANCE: See ya.

 

(Chance drops his e-cig on the ground and puts it out with his foot, crushing it. He walks away)

 

COIN: Fuckin’ rich Hansbay kids.

 

BRENNAN: What did he mean by us being perfect mismatches?

 

COIN: Well, technically, I’m a lesbian.

 

BRENNAN: …Oh. Really?

 

COIN: Yeah, on paper. I’m Michelle’s friend, remember?

 

BRENNAN: Oh yeah, Michelle is my best friend’s ex.

 

COIN: No offense, but I kind of hate your best friend for what he did to Michelle.

 

BRENNAN: What did he do to Michelle?

 

COIN: He was a drug-abusing druggie who wouldn’t change despite Michelle’s best efforts and he refused to get back with her even after burying his face in her tits.

 

BRENNAN: Well, it’s his decision you know. Ryan may make shitty decisions, but you CANNOT deny that they aren’t his decisions.

 

COIN: Why does that matter though?

 

BRENNAN: We don’t have to talk about Ryan and Michelle. Where do you want to go to eat?

 

COIN: Um…there’s a Five Guys here.

 

(Brennan laughs)

 

BRENNAN: Trust me, I’m not going to do that to you.

 

COIN: Well, I can’t imagine us going to Schmageggi’s or something.

 

BRENNAN: Well, I’m not that well-versed in restaurants and eating out and stuff, I didn’t eat out until I was three.

 

COIN: Really?! Three?!

 

BRENNAN: Yeah, nuqqa.

 

COIN: What kind of American are you? I know some restaurants that deliver babies.

 

BRENNAN: Yeah, I was sort of a beast in that regard. I held out as long as I could.

 

(Coin laughs)

 

COIN: Well, I’ll suggest a place then, Mister Restaurant Illiterate.

 

BRENNAN: What place, then?

 

COIN: Well, I would suggest a Hookah bar, but…

 

(Cut to Brennan and Coin in a hookah bar)

 

BRENNAN: How did you get me to agree to this?

 

COIN: Because you couldn’t suggest anything else, you don’t know what restaurants are.

 

(Brennan laughs as the waitress comes over)

 

WAITRESS: Hello, welcome to Five Dollar Hookah, what can I get to you?

 

COIN: Hi, Chloe, this is my friend Brennan. He’s new and he’s straight-edge.

 

CHLOE: Then what is he doing here?

 

BRENNAN: I’m here for the food, I guess.

 

CHLOE: Nobody’s here for the food, they’re here to get mouth cancer.

 

COIN: Don’t worry, I’ll convince him to take a puff. What flavor do you want? Hawaiian Nights or Tropical Evenings?

 

BRENNAN: Those kind of sound like the same thing.

 

COIN: Humid Midnight, please.

 

(Cut to Ryan, Chance, Michael and Oleander on stage at Seani’s as Depraved Hallway Fern)

 

RYAN: Alright, this next song is called “Death by Misadventure”. It’s not off our album, it’s a song I wrote last weekend after my lovely girlfriend Sarah revived me from a near-comatose state. Give it up. (Pan to Sarah sitting at a table when people start applauding. She rolls her eyes) Alright, here we go. By the way, I looked it up this morning and there is apparently already a song called “Death by Misadventure” by Lenny and Ziggy, but it sucks, so who cares? Here we go. (The band starts playing and Ryan starts singing) STUMBLED OUT OF PARK, STUMBLED INTO A LARK. SUDDENLY, SUDDENLY, I’M BACK WHERE I BEGAN, SUCH A FUCKIN’ NARC, SUCH A WORTHLESS TART, SUDDENLY, SUDDENLY, I’M IN AFGHANISTAN- STUMBLED OUT OF PARK, STUMBLED INTO A LARK, SUDDENLY, SUDDENLY, I’M BACK WHERE I BEGAN!! Maybe some where there is a cuuuuuure?! I’ll tell me something as soft as fuuuuurrr! Maybe some where there is a cuuuuuure?! Or perhaps I’m resigned to DEATH. By misadventure…

 

(Cut to backstage. Ryan, Michael, Chance and Oleander are speaking to various people)

 

RYAN: I guess, I write songs when I’m…bored? I don’t know how to answer this question.

 

CHANCE: You should’ve figured that, considering you asked “how do you song?” Idiot.

 

RYAN: Calm down, Chance.

 

CHANCE: No! Absolutely not!

 

OLEANDER: Let me tell you something, when I was in DEVIL’S NIECE! I wrote songs and they were thrown away, along with all the used condoms everybody in the band but me had.

 

FAN: You didn’t get laid when you were in Devil’s Niece?

 

OLEANDER: I did, I just didn’t use condoms.

 

RYAN: It’s condom sense! (Ryan laughs to himself and then silence ensues) I guess I’m not getting laid either.

 

(Sarah walks up to him and puts her arm around him)

 

SARAH: That’s correct.

 

(People laugh as four punk rock looking people walk up to DHF)

 

PUNK ROCK GUY: That’s awesome, man.

 

RYAN: Oh my God, it’s Turner Oglesby of the mid-80s (cut) mid-40s (cut) early 2010s punk rock band Ellipses Square!

 

TURNER: Yep, and we think you guys have an awesome sound.

 

ELLIPSES SQUARE MEMBER: Yeah, it’s a nice, sort of, jaggedly powerful sound that we really admire.

 

RYAN: Thanks so much, guys. I stole most of your albums, and they’re quite amazing.

 

TURNER: Did you buy the rest?

 

RYAN: No, I haven’t stole those yet.

 

MICHAEL: But you guys don’t care if your albums are stolen or bought right? You’re only getting a small cut of the album profits anyway and so you should be grateful for the word of mouth traffic that derives from people stealing your albums because then it turns into concert revenue-

 

TURNER: No, we want people to buy the albums.

 

MICHAEL: Oh.

 

TURNER: You thought, you thought you could spin theft as a good thing for us?

 

RYAN: Regardless, I really appreciate your guys’ compliments.

 

TURNER: Totally, bro. And hey, can I talk to you in private for a second?

 

RYAN: Sure. Everyone cover their ears!
 

TURNER: It’d be easier if we just, spoke in a private area.

 

(Turner takes Ryan over to a corner)

 

RYAN: What’s up, Turner?

 

TURNER: There’s this party for punk rock lead men that’s taking place tonight, it’s invite-only, iwrestledabearonce is doing a live set, there’s even beer.

 

RYAN: Damn. That sounds awesome. Can I bring along the band and my girlfriend?

 

TURNER: Uhhh, there’s going to be a lot of people there. We prefer you bring one.

 

RYAN: I assume that preference is actually a-

 

TURNER: Straight-up rule. More like a commandment. We hired Vic Fuentes from Pierce the Veil to stand in front of my house holding a stone tablet that says “bring only one guest along” to not only reinforce the rule, but also so we can bet on how long he can hold it up before passing out from exhaustion.

 

(Ryan smiles and laughs)

 

RYAN: Jesus!

 

TURNER: Fuck that guy!

 

(Cut to Ryan and Sarah walking up to the party house to see Vic Fuentes of Pierce The Veil holding up that stone tablet that says “BRING ONLY ONE GUEST ALONG”)

 

RYAN: Hey, Victor.

 

VICTOR: BRING ONLY ONE GUEST!

 

RYAN: Thanks, I got it.

 

(Ryan and Sarah enter the party house to see a bunch of metal, emo and punk rockers talking, drinking and doing drugs while loud metal plays)

 

SARAH: What the hell are all these San Diego sound bands doing in Vermont?

 

RYAN: Obviously they’re capitalizing on the emerging Burlington sound headed up by yours truly.

 

(Sarah laughs)

 

SARAH: Shut up.

 

RYAN: It’s a phenomenon! And by that I mean I’m a phenomenon!

 

(Turner walks over)

 

TURNER: Hey guys! Come over here and sit in the inner circle, I implore you!

 

RYAN: Totally! This is fuckin’ amazing. (They walk to a circle of couches and sit down amongst other punk rockers) Wait, Blood on the Bar Scene’s not here, right?

 

TURNER: No, they’re banned ever since they tried to set those kids on fire. Speaking of which, here’s the band I Set My Friends On Fire.

 

MATT MEHANA: S’up?

 

RYAN: Hey. I’m Ryan Donahue, from the band Depraved Hallway Fern.

 

JEREMY MCKINNON: That’s a pretty cool name. I preferred to name my band something more pleasant though, to sort of, evoke this deeper meaning to the screaming. I don’t know, A Day to Remember is just nice.

 

RYAN: Well, you have more of a pop punk sound, and I love your music, don’t get me wrong, I just think we have different styles.

 

JEREMY: Well I haven’t heard your guys’ shit. But I don’t know if we’re pop punk necessarily, we tell stories.

 

RYAN: You do that thing where you sing half the song and then some girl sings the other half to sort of contrast what the both of you are saying and, no offense, I’m not a huge fan of that.

 

JEREMY: (Perfect girl’s voice) Don’t stories have multiple- (He clears his throat) sorry, don’t stories have multiple characters?

 

RYAN: I guess, but still. We just have markedly different styles, I think.

 

TURNER: Well, personally, I have no problem with pop punk as long as they stay true, because, shit, I am just fine staying within the boundaries of the underground punk rock scene, I mean, we’ve had relatively successful albums and tour agreements and stuff, but, do we all get much mainstream radio play? No! And I’m fine with that.

 

MATT: Yeah, I agree. Not everybody needs to be the biggest band on Earth and I do NOT want to play after a fucking Arcade Fire song.

 

RYAN: Right, but can’t a punk rock or emo screamo metal band be successful and get radio play without losing punk rock credentials?

 

SARAH: I don’t think so, Ryan.

 

TURNER: Yeah, because they’ve done something wrong.

 

RYAN: Bullshit, they’ve obviously done something right if they become huge rock stars. And as long as they don’t dumb down their music or sell out or corporatize and auto-tune or whatever the fuck, and they still get on the radio, then what’s wrong with that?

 

MATT: That’s the thing, Ryan, how many bands who don’t do that stuff get radio play?

 

TURNER: Or play, in general? You know? Getting play?

 

SARAH: You’re saying you guys don’t get play?

 

TURNER: I get play, but they’re mostly mousy pseudo-emo chicks, which is fine, but still. Play.

 

RYAN: Whatever, I think there are awesome metal bands that get some radio play. Look at A7X, they got some radio play with “Bat Country”.

 

TURNER: That was a fluke.

 

MATT: It’s not even their best song, either.

 

(Some punk rocker walks into the shot)

 

PUNK ROCKER: Fuentes finally passed out!
 

(Turner stands up)

 

TURNER: Hey everybody! We’re all gonna get laid!
 

(They all cheer. Cut to Andrew showing Ethan and Kimberly through a house)

 

ANDREW: It’s a four bedroom beauty with two living rooms, no game rooms and a milking shed in the back.

 

KIMBERLY: A milking shed?

 

ANDREW: A milking shed, just in case you want to milk anybody.

 

KIMBERLY: Anybody?!

 

ANDREW: As in, like, cows.

 

KIMBERLY: Then you wouldn’t say anybody.

 

ETHAN: I wouldn’t mind saying I’m the proud owner of a milking shed, though.

 

KIMBERLY: Why?

 

(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly being walked through another house by Andrew. They are standing in a kitchen)

 

ETHAN: Kimmy, I could certainly see you in here holding a mop.

 

KIMBERLY: I could certainly see me using that mop to sop up your blood, Ethan.

 

ETHAN: Touché, but I could definitely see me looking across the street- (Ethan looks through a window) and see you holding a broom while I- (Ethan turns back to her) stay here and watch.

 

KIMBERLY: Oh, I see.

 

ETHAN: Yeah.

 

ANDREW: You guys are a weird couple.

 

(Cut to Andrew, Ethan and Kimberly in a living room. There is a fourteen-year old brown-haired kid sitting on the couch playing video games in front of them)

 

ETHAN: You couldn’t get the family out of the house for the showing?

 

ANDREW: Kid’s got autism, he doesn’t see the uh…point.

 

KIMBERLY: If he says so.

 

ETHAN: Anyway, I do like this house a lot.

 

KID: No you don’t. Get out.

 

ETHAN: I think I do, I like the stair placement, the bedroom and Ryan will love the little covey game room upstairs-

 

KID: THAT’S MY COVEY GAME ROOM! OUUUUUTTT!!!!

 

(Kimberly holds Ethan)

 

ETHAN: Kimmy, he’s just a kid!

 

KIMBERLY: I DON’T WANT THIS HOUSE!

 

(Cut to Andrew leading Ethan and Kimberly in the upstairs area of some other house)

 

ANDREW: Now, I do warn you, there is minor fire damage and even minorer explosion damage.

 

(They walk into a room where part of the walls are blackened)

 

ETHAN: Shit.

 

KIMBERLY: How much will that cost to fix?

 

(Some balding mustached man with a beer belly walks in)

 

HOMEOWNER: (Brooklyn accent) Yeah, sorry about that, listen, never put out a fire with gasoline, let me tell you a story about my cousin, well, he was my cousin, but now he’s burnt to a crisp, like crispy potato skins, ya got it? Good. We call him Crisp Kringle, it’s on his fuckin’ gravestone.

 

KIMBERLY: That’s extremely morbid.

 

(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly standing outside a house that is for sale, alongside Andrew)

 

ETHAN: Well, Andy. I think our luck for today has just about run out. We’ll start anew tomorrow.

 

ANDREW: Good. Tomorrow is, from what I understand, your 48th birthday?

 

ETHAN: How does he know my age?

 

KIMBERLY: It is, tomorrow he is 48.

 

ANDREW: That’s wonderful, man. Congratulations.

 

ETHAN: All I had to do was keep breathing.

 

(Andrew puts his hand on Ethan’s shoulder and starts nodding his head)

 

ANDREW: Proud of you.

 

ETHAN: Stop it, man. (Ethan moves his shoulder away from Andrew) Let’s go.

 

(Ethan and Kimberly get in their car and drive off. Cut to Coin and Brennan at the hookah bar. Coin is smoking from the hookah)

 

BRENNAN: I’ve been thinking about getting my hair shaved at the sides a little bit, it could be a cool look.

 

COIN: I don’t know, I like the way your hair is now.

 

BRENNAN: Once I show you a Google image search, you’ll be convinced.

 

COIN: See, you can make cool smoke rings like this.

 

(Coin blows smoke out of her mouth)

 

BRENNAN: Yeah, that was awesome.

 

COIN: Hold on, I can get it! (Coin blows more smoke) Damnit.

 

BRENNAN: You have to purse your lips more, I guess.

 

COIN: Why don’t you try it?

 

(Coin hands him the smoking apparatus)

 

BRENNAN: I’m fine, Coin.

 

COIN: My God, you’re impervious to peer pressure.

 

BRENNAN: I wasn’t always like that.

 

(Coin takes a hit)

 

COIN: Is that right?

 

BRENNAN: Yeah, the straight-edge is a recent thing. I used to be 3edgy5me.

 

(Coin laughs)

 

COIN: It’s like 2edgy4me, but-

 

BRENNAN: Yeah, it’s a, meme.

 

COIN: Right.

 

(The waitress comes over)

 

WAITRESS: Hello. (The waitress takes the smoking apparatus from Coin and takes a hit) What can I get for you two?

 

COIN: Please, help yourself.

 

WAITRESS: It’s part of the social aspect of the hookah bar.

 

BRENNAN: Do bartenders up and sip your drinks?

 

(The waitress takes another drag)
 

WAITRESS: Just relax, man.

 

BRENNAN: I’m relaxed, nuqqa.

 

(A rotund black man sitting nearby sits up)

 

ROTUND BLACK MAN: Pardon?

 

BRENNAN: Oh, uh…hi there.

 

ROTUND BLACK MAN: What did you just say?

 

BRENNAN: I apologize sir, I didn’t quite say the N word, I said a different version of it-

 

ROTUND BLACK MAN: No, I mean, did you say you were going to get your hair shaved at the sides? Because I think you look cute enough as it is.

 

(Brennan and Coin just stare at the man. Cut to Brennan and Coin driving at night, laughing)

 

BRENNAN: Just, so out of the blue!
 

COIN: Oh my God, right?! My Gaydar did not go off for that one!

 

BRENNAN: And my uh, Blackdar needs to be recalibrated or some shit.

 

(Coin laughs)

 

COIN: You just need to stop saying “nuqqa”.

 

BRENNAN: Nah, nuqqa.

 

(Coin laughs and Brennan laughs and looks at her)

 

COIN: Brennan-WATCH THE ROAD!
 

(Brennan looks back at the road and adjusts his driving and hears a car horn in the distance)

 

BRENNAN: Shit.

 

COIN: Wow, you almost killed us.

 

BRENNAN: That’s the second time today too, that man was enormous.

 

(Coin smiles)

 

COIN: Jesus, why did he respond to you saying that, like, three minutes later?

 

BRENNAN: I don’t know. He was a weird dude.

 

(Cut to Brennan parking at Brennan’s house. Brennan and Coin get out and walk around to greet each other)

 

COIN: Well. This was fun.

 

BRENNAN: Yeah. It really was.

 

COIN: You’re a really nice guy, Brennan.

 

BRENNAN: Thanks. I uh…people tell me that. I think I, love people better than others. If that makes any sense.

 

COIN: It doesn’t.

 

(Brennan smiles)

 

BRENNAN: Alright then.

 

COIN: …Want to hear something silly?

 

BRENNAN: Sure.

 

COIN: I bring a knife and pepper spray pretty much every time I spend more than fifteen minutes with a guy.

 

(Brennan laughs)

 

BRENNAN: Jesus, really?

 

COIN: Yeah. But for you…

 

BRENNAN: …What?

 

COIN: I left the knife.

 

(Brennan chuckles)

 

BRENNAN: That’s flattering.

 

COIN: Yeah…is anyone home?

 

(Brennan shakes his head “no”. Cut to Brennan putting Coin onto his bed. Brennan shuts the door and gets on top of her and takes off his shirt as she takes off hers. He tosses his shirt to the side, as does she)

 

BRENNAN: UNZIP ME!

 

COIN: Really?!

 

BRENNAN: DO IT!

 

(Coin unzips Brennan’s zipper and Brennan cumbersomely slips out of his skinny jeans and then he unzips her pants and pulls them off. Brennan tickles her stomach and she cracks up)

 

COIN: Jesus! Stop it!
 

(Brennan laughs, stops tickling her and then takes off his underwear to reveal his erect penis. He starts having vaginal sex with her. Brennan starts howling. Cut to Ryan howling in the bathroom of the party house he is in. After he’s done, he takes ecstasy)

 

RYAN: Oh yeah, I’m supposed to bowl after I take the ecstasy. Whatever, anyway, WOO!

 

(Ryan walks out of the bathroom and walks downstairs and sees people partying. Sarah is talking to Chris Cerulli of the band Motionless in White)

 

SARAH: Chris, I’m such a huge fan of yours, let me just ask you something.

 

CHRIS: Anything.

 

SARAH: How do you, how do you, how do you, how do you be so awesome-how big is it? (Chris stares at Sarah in surprise) I’ll take that as a yes?

 

CHRIS: You didn’t ask a yes or no question.

 

(Ryan walks over to them)

 

RYAN: Hey!
 

SARAH: Oh, there you are! Where were you?

 

RYAN: Nowhere, the bathroom. Hi there, I’m Ryan, Ryan Donahue.

 

CHRIS: Yes, Depraved Hallway Fern. What’s up, man?

 

(Chris extends his hand and Ryan high-fives it, to Chris’ befuddlement)

 

RYAN: Nice to meet you, bro

 

CHRIS: Cool, then.

 

RYAN: Hey man, I love your music, I sent you a lot of letters though, dozens in fact, outlining my struggles and stuff and shit, I hadn’t received any replies, why is that?

 

SARAH: Ryan, energy level.

 

CHRIS: I receive a lot of letters, but I do empathize with uh, damaged people, because, you know, I’ve been there.

 

RYAN: Yeah, sometimes, I feel like when the stork delivered me I was in a box labeled “damaged goods” and the stork couldn’t lift the box so instead he crash landed in the forests of Vermont and as a cruel joke Ethan and Kimberly found me and raised me to be the man that I am now, you know what I mean?

 

CHRIS: Does he always talk this quickly?

 

SARAH: No, he doesn’t. Ryan, did you do molly?

 

RYAN: No, SARAH, I didn’t do molly, I made love…to molly. Also, technically, it was ecstasy.

 

SARAH: Jesus, Ryan, where did you even get it?!

 

RYAN: It was either Ronnie Radke from Falling In Reverse or Keillin Quinn from Sleeping With Sirens, I can’t actually remember, it was a dark and in a bath tub! WOO! Group hug!
 

(Ryan forces Sarah and Chris into a group hug)

 

CHRIS: Alright then.

 

RYAN: This is nice!

 

(Sarah gets out of the group hug and pulls Ryan aside)

 

SARAH: Ryan, please don’t do this.

 

RYAN: You don’t understand what I feel right now, Sarah. If you were on my level, that would make this entire experience so much more delightful. For the both of us. I feel warm and, and, empathic and all my anxiety has just fucking melted away!

 

SARAH: Ryan, I will not be your drug buddy, I can’t support that.

 

RYAN: Remember how argumentative I was earlier with all those punk crooners?! Do I seem argumentative now?! No! I just love everything! And I love you!
 

SARAH: Yeah, this is the beginning of a new age for you, Ryan.

 

RYAN: And in a few hours the Age of Ryan will die down, but SHIT is it a fun ride!!

 

SARAH: I’m going to make sure you get plenty of water in you, alright emo kid? Be right back.

 

(Sarah walks away. Ryan walks over to Dalton of the band A Thousand Strong)

 

RYAN: Hey, get me a couple glow sticks or maybe a swing set for me to play with, that’d be fuckin’ A, man.

 

DALTON: I’m in a band, not a servant, bro.

 

RYAN: What band are you?

 

DALTON: I used to be in Miles Before We Sleep, but now I’m in A Thousand Strong, it’s an emerging Dallas sound band, but I’m actually from the Southlake area.

 

RYAN: Cool, cool, what’s going on for your band right now?

 

DALTON: Uh, we need a guitarist and are quite close to releasing a demo.

 

RYAN: That’s totally AWESOME, dude! Good luck!
 

DALTON: If you only know how to play fuckin’ Smoke On The Water, we’ll hire you, I’m serious-

 

RYAN: Alright, just, calm down-

 

DALTON: We’ve been a band for eleven months and we don’t have jack shit to show for it-

 

RYAN: Wow, so desperate, you are harshing my E buzz!

 

DALTON: You’re a small, small man for this.

 

RYAN: Yeah, I know. Anyway, I STILL LOVE YOU! (Ryan hugs Dalton and Dalton pushes him away and storms off) What a bastard.

 

(Ryan skips away to the kitchen where Sarah is filling up a pitcher of water)

 

SARAH: I’m almost done, Ryan.

 

(Ryan hugs Sarah from behind)

 

RYAN: I don’t need water, Sarah, it’s like chasing booze with water, you ruin the experience!!

 

(Sarah finishes filling up)

 

SARAH: Ryan, ecstasy dehydrates you, you need water in order to avoid, what is that thing that results in an eternity of darkness? Oh yeah! DEATH!
 

RYAN: C’mon, stop being a prude! Let’s go on an adventure!

 

(Ryan pulls Sarah away from the water and they go into the main living room where iwrestledabearonce is playing a live set of their song “It is Bro, Isn't It?”. Everybody is jumping, especially Ryan. Sarah shrugs her shoulders and jumps with him. They jump in front of each other and smile. They grab each other’s shoulders and continue jumping as beads of sweat form on Sarah’s face and they start laughing)

 

SARAH: HOW ARE YOU NOT SWEATING?!
 

RYAN: MY SWEAT GLANDS RETIRED EARLY TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH THEIR X!

 

(Sarah laughs as they start turning as they jump. Cut to Ryan sitting in Turner’s shower smiling with widened eyes)

 

SARAH: (Laughing) What are you doing, Ryan?!

 

RYAN: I’m in Turner Oglesby’s shower!

 

SARAH: Yeah, I can see that.

 

RYAN: He has terrible skin…

 

SARAH: How can you tell?

 

RYAN: I’m like Encyclopedia Brown when it comes to that shit! Sarah!

 

(He jumps up on his feet)

 

SARAH: Be careful! That’s a slippery shower! (Ryan runs out of the shower and into the adjoining hall) Ryan!

 

(Cut to Ryan in that adjoining hall. Ryan takes another tab of ecstasy. Sarah comes in and Ryan turns around to her)

 

RYAN: Come here!
 

SARAH: You ran away from me!

 

(Sarah walks over to Ryan)

 

RYAN: Don’t ever be so far from me again, girl!

 

(Sarah laughs)

 

SARAH: You ran away- (Ryan starts making out with her and then leads her into a bedroom with a racing car bed, numerous teddy bears, pictures of planes and a basketball lamp. Sarah stops making out with him) Ryan, I think this is his kid’s room or something!

 

RYAN: Naw, don’t worry, look!
 

(Ryan points to a crochet on the wall that says “GUEST BEDROOM”)

 

SARAH: Then why is it-ah, fuck it. (Ryan and Sarah start making out again and Ryan feels her up and down and begins to take off her shirt as she begins to take off his shirt. They jump on the bed and Ryan giggles giddily as he painstakingly removes his pants and underwear to reveal his throbbing dick) Jesus, your dick veins are forming branches!

 

RYAN: IT’S AN INVESTMENT TREE!

 

(Ryan tears off Sarah’s pants)

 

SARAH: Hold on, get a condom!
 

RYAN: GODDAMNIT! (Ryan wrestles his wallet out of his pants and takes out a condom and puts it on and begins fucking her) UH!

 

SARAH: Uh!
 

RYAN: UH!
 

SARAH: Eeeh!

 

RYAN: UHH!

 

SARAH: UHH!

 

RYAN: SAY SOMETHING ABOUT MY COCK!
 

SARAH: UH!
 

RYAN: SAY IT!
 

SARAH: THAT ONLY HAPPENS IN PORN!!

 

RYAN: UHHH!

 

(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly looking over a stair balcony in a house)

 

ETHAN: Wow, this place.

 

KIMBERLY: I agree, this is fantastic.

 

ETHAN: It has these wonderful windy stairs, perfect for resting wine on the bottom of.

 

(Kimberly turns around)

 

KIMBERLY: A perfect game room for the kids.

 

ETHAN: Kid.

 

KIMBERLY: Oh yeah. And a perfect room for crying due to empty nest syndrome.

 

ETHAN: Come on, you love it.

 

(Cut to Ryan fucking Sarah furiously, nearing climax)

 

RYAN: URGGH!
 

SARAH: EEHHH!!

 

RYAN: URGGGGHHH!

 

SARAH: EHHHHHH!

 

(Ryan’s visage grows red and flustered)

 

RYAN: URGHHHHHHhhhAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

 

(Ryan cums in Sarah and then, his red face beating and his eyes crossed, he falls over onto his side)

 

SARAH: Fuck…Jesus, that was…amazing, Ryan. I hope no one heard us. Who am I kidding? Of course people heard us, I was being fucked by a train whistle. Right, Ryan? (Pause) Ryan? (Ryan gets up and sees Ryan’s face is still beat red and his eyes are closed) Ryan?! (Sarah shakes Ryan) RYAN!? (Sarah shakes Ryan) RYAN!! (Sarah slaps Ryan in the face) RYAN!!! FUCK! (Sarah slaps Ryan again) GODDAMNIT, RYAN, WAKE UP!! (Sarah slaps him once again) Oh! (Sarah gets up and grabs a glass and goes into the hallway, stark naked, to see Turner standing there, which surprised both of them) OH! Hi, my boyfriend’s overheating, sorry.

 

(Sarah goes into the bathroom and can be heard turning on the sink)
 

TURNER: Jesus…my XBOX is overheating, can I get naked?! (Sarah walks out of the bathroom with a glass of water and goes into the guest room, closes the door and splashes water on Ryan. She then slaps Ryan again. Turner walks in) Is he okay?

 

SARAH: He’s still not waking up!

 

TURNER: Has he been drinking water?!

 

SARAH: He said he has, I don’t know, he gets cocky because he thinks he has a “tolerance”!

 

TURNER: Shit, force water down his throat.

 

(Sarah turns Ryan on his back and Turner gets more water from the tap and pours water into Ryan’s throat. Ryan begins breathing in)

 

SARAH: YES!

 

(Sarah grabs a sheet and covers herself as Ryan starts coughing and sitting up)

 

TURNER: Jesus, Ryan, are you okay?

 

SARAH: You should go.

 

TURNER: Yep!
 

(Turner leaves as Ryan continues to cough. Once Ryan finally stops coughing, he glances over at Sarah, who is standing there with her arms crossed and looking irritated. Ryan smiles)

 

RYAN: Hello, beautiful.

 

(Sarah shakes her head. Cut to Brennan and Coin in bed, after sex. Coin is smoking a cigarette. Brennan turns over to Coin)

 

COIN: Wow, I didn’t even expect that to happen.

 

BRENNAN: …Yeah, me neither, actually. But I liked it.

 

COIN: God, me too.

 

BRENNAN: …You know, you really should quit smoking. It’s not safe.

 

COIN: You’re the one who didn’t use a condom.

 

BRENNAN: Condoms don’t prevent cancer, now do they?

 

COIN: I’ll quit, I just…need more time.

 

BRENNAN: …There’s no time like the present. You only YOLO once. Etcetera, speaking of which, (Brennan gets up and puts his underwear on) My dad should be here in the next thirty minutes, so you should probably split.

 

COIN: Okay.

 

(Coin gets out of bed and throws the cigarette in a trash can and puts on her pants, shirt and shoes, as Brennan does the same. They walk out of Brennan’s room and closes the door. Pan down to reveal a mortified Jeffrey Sanford lying under Brennan’s bed, his teeth chattering and his eyes widened)

 

JEFF: Ohh...Jesus…how many phobias will this start?!

 

(Cut to Brennan, Sarah, Ryan, Ross and some bleach blonde girl having lunch, sitting on the ground in the corner of the school cafeteria. Ryan has a dozen or so ketchup packets in front of him)

 

ROSS: So many ketchup packets!

 

RYAN: I’m poor, okay? This is how I get ketchup, you think I buy that fancy Heinz shit?! No! I usually go raid a McDonald’s condiment bar to get my fix! I’ve actually cost the company thousands!

 

SARAH: You are not poor!

 

RYAN: That conniving bitch Rhonda Taylor stole 700,000 dollars from us though, so, there’s that.

 

BRENNAN: But honestly, you’re poor for Hansbay. My dad makes multi-million dollar vending machine deals with major companies. (Brennan looks at the bleach blonde girl) And yet Alexandra here won’t bag her a rich one.

 

ALEXANDRA: I think I’m going to scoot in this direction.

 

(Alexandra scoots away from Brennan, to Sarah, Ross and Ryan’s mild amusement. Brennan smiles)

 

RYAN: You guys have to see these album covers I’m considering. (Ryan takes out his laptop and logs on and shows them a looping video of a mime on Chat Roulette fingering herself) How’s THAT?!

 

ROSS: You just, essentially, grabbed our attention under false pre-tenses and flashed us.

 

(Ryan turns his computer back to him)

 

RYAN: That’s fair.

 

(Brennan scoots near Alexandra and rests his head on her lap)

 

ALEXANDRA: What are you doing?

 

BRENNAN: Just don’t worry about it.

 

(Alexandra nervously laughs)

 

ALEXANDRA: Okay…why though?

 

RYAN: After that video, are you sure that’s the wisest idea, Brennan?

 

BRENNAN: Just keep showing them your brony porn, Ryan.

 

SARAH: Pardon?

 

(Sarah looks at Ryan, who is sweating)

 

RYAN: He’s lying.

 

SARAH: Well, at least you’re not on ecstasy, because you’re sweating a shitload, emo kid.

 

RYAN: The crazy thing is, I am on ecstasy.

 

(Coin walks by and sees Brennan’s head on Alexandra’s lap. She furrows her brow in disgust and Brennan lifts his head from Alexandra’s lap. Coin scoffs and rushes outside)

 

BRENNAN: I’ll be right back, nuqqas.

 

(Brennan gets up and follows where Coin went)

 

ROSS: …Did?

 

RYAN: No, they aren’t a thing, right?

 

SARAH: No way.

 

ALEXANDRA: I hope so. Anything to get Brennan off my lap.

 

RYAN: He didn’t used to be like this. Ever since he became straight-edge, he’s more…confident with chicks. And ever since he swore off me he’s been more into them.

 

SARAH: And meanwhile, you-

 

RYAN: Are the same! JAGGED EDGE FOR LIFE, BABY!
 

(Cut to outside. Coin is lighting a cigarette as Brennan walks up to her)

 

BRENNAN: Coin!
 

COIN: Get away from me.

 

BRENNAN: Coin, come on! What is your deal?

 

COIN: My deal is, your head was inches away from some scene chick’s pussy!

 

BRENNAN: So crass! Listen, I was just, I don’t know, being friendly.

 

COIN: Christ, then what was yesterday? A best friendship? Are we biffles for lifes now?!

 

BRENNAN: Coin, I just…I’m sorry. I am. I just…she didn’t seem to like me and I don’t like it when people don’t like me, so I, overcompensate. And that’s not alright. But just know, I’m not interested in her and also know that I am the perfect candidate for someone with trust issues, my last relationship, the little prick who crushed my heart and also is for some reason my best friend out there, cheated on me. And I was bitter. For months. But I got sick of it and, honestly…straight-edge changed my life. Because we choose to stop seeking refuge from our problems with alcohol and drugs and therefore, we feel better with everything we have to deal with because we aren’t always coming down off some, high. We’re able to take things in stride. I know you have trust issues, because of your abusive father and probably other things, but - (Brennan steps forward, takes her cigarette, throws it down and crushes it) I know you can get over them if you try.

 

(Coin looks at him)

 

COIN: It’s not just my dad. My last two boyfriends were…fuckos.

 

(Brennan smiles)
 

BRENNAN: Is that right?

 

COIN: Yeah. One of them essentially molested me and uh…I’d like to leave it at that for now.

 

BRENNAN: Totally. But just, consider what I said.

 

COIN: …Alright…

 

(Brennan nods and walks back into the school. Coin takes out her pack of cigarettes, puts one in her mouth and lights it, inhales and then exhales. She takes a newspaper ad from her pocket that says “E-CIGARETTES- ‘It’s just water vapor!’ – Your friend’s brother”. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly in the kitchen of the house they were looking at earlier. Andrew has the deed to the house and a bunch of other paper work on the counter)

 

ANDREW: Okay, we need to start filling out paper work here.

 

ETHAN: Alright.

 

ANDREW: We need you to sign this piece of paper here to begin with. (Andrew puts forward a piece of paper) Go ahead, Mister-what did you say your last name was again?

 

ETHAN: Donahue. (Andrew pulls the paper away from him) What are you doing?

 

ANDREW: Not doing business with you two, that’s what I’m NOT DOING.

 

KIMBERLY: He asked you what you were doing.

 

ANDREW: Come on, you don’t think you two aren’t at this point infamous in the Real Estate business? You sold a house to the kingpin of our totally legal Real Estate outfit and then you used your influence to impose imminent domain on her?!

 

ETHAN: She got her money back, didn’t she?

 

ANDREW: Who cares?! She didn’t get the treasure trove of money in her backyard!

 

KIMBERLY: You mean the one she did not tell us about?!

 

ANDREW: How can I trust you two?

 

KIMBERLY: Don’t pretend like I didn’t ask that last question!

 

ETHAN: Andrew, I am ready to put 375,000 dollars down on this house and I am NOT planning on selling it until Madeline is out of college in 2016. There are no precious metals in the backyard and I have NO reason to impose imminent domain on your house, now do I? So please, let me just purchase this beautiful, beautiful house.

 

ANDREW: …Here’s an idea. I need a grace period to determine if I can trust you. So here’s my deal. My sister rents houses to people and holy shit, she is bonkers. Just a mess on the inside. It’s actually tearing apart the Diamondstein family-that’s right, that’s my real last name.

 

KIMBERLY: Hm.

 

ANDREW: Anyway, I will let you rent this house with my batdick crazy sister Andrew-that’s right, she has the same first name as me.

 

ETHAN: What?!

 

ANDREW: For SIX months! And if she brings me a positive report, I will allow you to buy the house.

 

KIMBERLY: …And your sister would be our landlady?

 

ANDREW: That’s correct. She’ll clean gutters and judge you for not cleaning gutters, you understand?

 

KIMBERLY: …Well…this house has perfect sized showers, a long driveway and a steep roof so Ryan will not dare climb up it even in an X-induced delirium, so I think we should take it.

 

ETHAN: I hate that that last thing is a factor in our decision, but I agree.

 

ANDREW: Great, I’ll get Andrew in here. Luckily, she’s been hiding in the bushes all this time. She’s uh, crazy.

 

ETHAN: We got it.

 

ANDREW: Be right back with leasing paper work.

 

(Andrew walks away. Cut to Sarah parking outside of her house with Ryan half-asleep in the passenger seat)

 

SARAH: Come on, Ryan, it’s time to go to bed.

 

RYAN: Hmm, okay.

 

(Sarah gets out and walks over to Ryan’s side of the car and opens up the car door. Ryan gets out and leans on Sarah. Sarah shuts the door and leads him to the door of her house. They go inside and Sarah takes Ryan into the living room, where a fire is burning in the fireplace. Sarah lays Ryan down onto the couch)

 

SARAH: Hm? Ryan go night-night?

 

RYAN: Come here, Sarah.

 

(Sarah goes closer to Ryan)

 

SARAH: What?

 

RYAN: Let me tell you something. Everything in my life, be it my career or…my social life, or school life…all of it, I want it changed. I want it, moved forward. With one exception. You.

 

(Ryan taps Sarah on the nose)

 

SARAH: Meow.

 

RYAN: You, I want exactly the same.

 

(Ryan smiles and turns on his side. Sarah kisses Ryan on the forehead, gets up, turns off the fire and leaves the room as the song “About a Girl” by Nirvana begins playing. Cut to Coin driving home in her car as she goes past the school. She glances out her window to see Brennan on his longboard, longboarding down the sidewalk. She smiles and is about to honk the horn, but decides against it and just keeps driving. Cut to Sarah in her game room, doing homework, when Ryan comes in, with bags around his eyes, looking sleep-deprived and sad. Sarah does a kissy face towards him and he smirks and nods and sits down next to her. Cut to Coin at Brennan’s door. She is knocking on it, but a card is slipped under the door that has a red dot on it. Coin closes her eyes, opens them, and then walks away from the door. Cut to Brennan on the other side. He is sitting against the door, clearly stressed. Jeff walks over, shaking his head profusely as Brennan looks at him in confusion. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly in their newly purchased home. Kimberly is putting a “4” candle and an “8” candle beside one another and she pours wine into each of their glasses. They clink the glasses together, take sips and then Ethan begins to light the candles. Kimberly puts her finger in the cake and licks her finger afterwards, which draws a glare from Ethan, followed by a laugh. Cut to Sarah taking a CPR class and demonstrating on a test dummy in front of the class. She keeps using a fan to keep the dummy “cool”. Cut to Brennan and Coin having sex in Brennan’s car in the middle of the night. Brennan’s phone, in the front seat of the car goes off, and he’s receiving a call from his mom. Cut to Sarah in her kitchen holding two bowls of cereal. She brings them to the breakfast nook and sets them down in front of Ryan and herself while Irville and Amy sit there, watching as Sarah sits down. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly standing in an empty room in their new house as the song ends)

 

KIMBERLY: This can only be Ryan’s room for so long.

 

ETHAN: He graduates in seven months, we’ll call it the guest room.

 

(Cut to black)

 

THE END


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