The Donahues Episode 137

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Rob and Jamie's marriage runs into financial problems after Rob loses his job, Brennan inadvertently enables Coin's attention-craving behavior and Kimberly has trouble deciding who to hire for a new sales position at Altmire Racquetball

Submitted: December 18, 2013

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Submitted: December 18, 2013









“Failure is opportunity to begin again with a better prepared mind and brain. Make up your mind and desire. Success is not a result of combustion, you must set yourself on fire! The fire of discipline and dedication”

  • Shashikant Nishant Sharma


(We start with Mayor Sarandon, Ethan, Evan and Rob standing in a gym at Hansbay Elementary School. Local reporters are setting up camera equipment and parents and kids are taking seats. There is a banner at the front of the room that says “BRIAN SARANDON EXERCISE INITIATIVE- TESTING DAY! BROUGHT TO YOU BY BUTTER- ‘What other than butter to sponsor?’”)


ETHAN: How did you get butter to sponsor this?


MAYOR SARANDON: What other than butter to sponsor?


ETHAN: No, I mean, how did you get a non-brand specific food item to sponsor this exercise-oriented event?


MAYOR SARANDON: I had to uh, butter some people up.


ETHAN: Oh my God, bad.


EVAN: What are we going to do for the deaf people in attendance?


MAYOR SARANDON: I hired an interpreter for cheap.


EVAN: From where?


MAYOR SARANDON: Some South African interpreting agency, I don’t know.


ETHAN: Oh, dear God.


MAYOR SARANDON: I hired him before the Mandela memorial, Ethan, okay?! Don’t blame me!


ETHAN: Well, I hope you got a real “sign language champion”.


MAYOR SARANDON: I love how he “asked for forgiveness” but STILL called himself a “sign language champion”! How does that work?! That’s like President Nixon apologizing and then saying “it was pretty damn impressive how I covered that up though, right? You gotta give me some props”.


EVAN: I don’t get that, why would he call himself a “sign language champion”?! Is he the sign language undertaker? The Heavyweight schizophrenic signer of the world?


ETHAN: He was signing complete gibberish, unless Nelson Mandela was known for being an itsy bitsy spider crawling up a water spout.


MAYOR SARANDON: What’s even weirder is that the sign language interpreting service he was hired from has recently vanished. If you go to the office park where it was, you just see an interpreter standing there going (uses hand gesture to blow past his palms) POOF!


ETHAN: It probably had something to do with the fact that the fake signer they used was once involved in setting a man on fire and he stood a few feet away from the most powerful man on Earth.




(Ethan laughs)


ETHAN: Apparently. Obama’s granted him legitimacy. If I were him, I would’ve been petty and small and snubbed Castro at a funeral.


MAYOR SARANDON: Same. (A black sign language interpreter walks up wearing a mime costume) Uh…who are you?


SIGN LANGUAGE INTERPRETER: I’m the sign language interpreter.


ETHAN: You realize mimes and ASL interpreters are not the same thing, right?




(He rushes away)




ROB: Don’t worry, deaf people won’t have to be signed to when they see the expressions on everybody’s faces as the Play 60 people announce every kid passed the Presidential Fitness Test.




(American Heart Association officials walk in and everybody applauds and they wave and walk over to Ethan, Evan, Rob and Mayor Sarandon and shake their hands and wave to the audience. Rob waves to Jamie, who just walked into the room with a Starbucks in hand. Jamie smiles and sits down. American Heart Association President Ralph Sacco walks up to the podium and lowers the microphone)


RALPH SACCO: Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I am the President of the American Heart association, Ralph Sacco. And we’re here for Play Sixty. We encourage kids to stop sitting, get out of the house and play outside for at least an hour a day-actually, could we get some chairs?




ROB: Who are you talking to?




ROB: Ugh, fine.


(Rob brings over some fold-out chairs and opens them for the AHA executives to sit in. He moves the podium out of the way and sets it aside in the corner)


RALPH: Thank you, gym wench.


ROB: Not a fan of that nickname. But you’re welcome.


RALPH: Alright, who thinks they know anything about heart health? (Everybody raises their hands) Doubtful. Let’s see what your Mayor knows. Mr. Mayor, what do you do when administering CPR to someone in cardiac arrest?


MAYOR SARANDON: I’ve got this. (He walks over to the group of AHA officials) Excuse me, could I sit here real quick?


AHA OFFICIAL: Are you talking to me?






(The AHA official stands up and Mayor Sarandon sits in his place)


MAYOR SARANDON: During CPR, the person in cardiac arrest needs your breath, so you need to lightly blow into their mouths until their eyes open-


RALPH: That is, demonstrably false. In fact, you shouldn’t even blow into a person’s mouth, we don’t teach that anymore because it doesn’t work.


MAYOR SARANDON: Must be how I lost all those cats as a kid…


RALPH: Yeah. Listen, the heart is a complicated thing, but it is also resilient. Dick Cheney should be dead! But after they matched blood types and, you know, charred blackness, they were able to get him a transplant that could keep his blood pumping. Former President Bush had a heart stent put in four months ago and to the doctor’s surprise, his heart was just hay!


MAYOR SARANDON: What are you getting at?


RALPH: Here’s what I’m getting at. The majority of the young participants in the Brian Sarandon Exercise Initiative failed the Presidential Fitness Test.


(The crowd gasps, and Mayor Sarandon, Ethan and Evan glare at Rob, who is now looking very nervous. He looks at Jamie, who is sitting there, sipping her Starbucks, but then she finishes sipping and looks surprised. Cut to the black “sign language” interpreter, with paint smeared off his face and wearing suit, behind the AHA officials slapping himself. Cut back to the AHA officials and Mayor Sarandon)


MAYOR SARANDON: How can that be?!


RALPH: They, failed the tests! The Presidential Fitness test is strenuous you know, not even the Obama daughters passed it. You have to do correct push-ups, you have to let yourself (Obama impression) “be clear”, you have to do chin-ups without jumping and you have to placate liberals. It’s tough, but it’s the Presidential Fitness Test.


(A female parent stands up in the crowd holding a pitchfork)




RALPH: How do you already have a pitchfork?!




ROB: I don’t condone that! Just for the record!


(A father stands up)


FATHER: That’s the guy! He’s the son of a bitch that is the reason our kids are still out of shape!


(That guy’s son stands up right next to him, eating Chick Fil-a waffle fries)


SON: Yep, that’s the guy, dad, sic ‘im!


(Everybody starts rabbling angrily)


ROB: Oh, no.


(Mayor Sarandon walks over to Ethan and Evan)


MAYOR SARANDON: Do we feed him to the rabble?


EVAN: Yes, absolutely!


ROB: Guys!


EVAN: Better a low-level incompetent than a high-level one!


ETHAN: Usually I’d agree, but he is my brother in-law.


ROB: Thank you!


ETHAN: So I agree even more!


(Ethan grabs Rob and pushes him towards the middle of the gym and Ethan, Mayor Sarandon, Evan and the AHA officials run out the back doors and close them, the fake sign language interpreter starts running in place. Rob stands in the middle of the gym and heads toward the back doors, but cannot open them, because they are locked)








(Everyone except Jamie start chanting “ass” and Rob turns around to see Jamie shaking her head. Someone throws a bag of Chic Fil-a at Rob. Jamie walks out of the doors on the other side. Cut to Brennan driving in his car with Coin in the passenger seat. Brennan is listening to “A Trophy Father’s Trophy Son” by Sleeping with Sirens)


COIN: Oh my God, do we have to listen to this?


BRENNAN: Hey, I’m getting you an e-cigarette, so we’re listening to Sleeping With Sirens.


COIN: He sounds like…a post-hardcore female Adam Sandler or some shit.


BRENNAN: Maybe you’d prefer a song with heavy growling followed by high singing over and over again until my car runs out of gas.


COIN: I would, actually!


(They pull into a parking lot outside a store called “Smoker’s Fever Dream”)


BRENNAN: Alright, here we are, at “Smoker’s Fever Dream”.  What do you want?


COIN: I want an e-cig.


BRENNAN: …Yeah, but what kind?


COIN: I want a robotic cigarette with the glow thing! That’s what I want!

BRENNAN: It’s not robotic, but it just-okay, I’ll know what to get you, I vape with Chance sometimes.


(Coin hands Brennan money)


COIN: Make sure it talks!


BRENNAN: I’ll try, Coin.


COIN: Also, don’t get caught. Okay? Play cool.


BRENNAN: I’m not gonna get caught, Coin, he has no reason to believe I’m buying it for a minor, and plus, I’m always cool. Don’t worry.

COIN: Alright.


(Brennan kisses Coin on the cheek and gets out of the car and walks into Smoker’s Fever Dream. He sees a gaunt man with dirty fingernails behind a glass case filled with a selection of e-cigarettes and liquid flavors behind him on a shelf. His nametag says “John- valued customer until 2015”)


BRENNAN: Hi there, hello, I’d like to purchase an e-cigarette, for me, please. (The man walks out from behind the counter and over to Brennan, who tenses up) Yes, and I’d also like to purchase a flavor that is, very smooth, preferably fruity-


JOHN: Are you wearin’ a wire?


BRENNAN: Excuse me?


(John starts grabbing at his chest)






(John stops grabbing at him)







(Brennan runs out of the place and runs back into the car, breathing heavily)


COIN: What the hell happened?! You were in there for all of, twenty seconds!


BRENNAN: The guy said they were closing.


COIN: At 2pm?


BRENNAN: Let’s go to Vader Vapes in Burlington.


COIN: Alright…


(Brennan starts the car and backs out and leaves the parking lot and gets back on the road. Cut to Brennan looking at an e-cigarette at Vader Vapes, a futuristic Star Wars themed smoke shop with a dark, metallic atmosphere. A man dressed as Darth Vader who is breathing heavily, Vader-style, walks over)


BRENNAN: Wow, nice Darth Vader costume.


DARTH VADER COSPLAYER: Um, this is only a costume from the neck down, I actually need this mask to breathe after forty years of heavy smoking.


BRENNAN: Oh. That’s really, uh…tragic, actually.


DARTH VADER COSPLAYER: Hey, it inspired me to open this shop. When my friend Vinnie lost his arm, it inspired him to be left-handed. True story.


BRENNAN: Cool, listen, I’m looking for an e-cigarette. Not too expensive, though.


STORE OWNER: Well, we have an eclectic selection. Disposable e-cigs, thin e-cigs, e-pipes, e-hookahs, e-cigars, e-snuff-


BRENNAN: How does e-snuff work?


STORE OWNER: I’m David, by the way.




DAVID: E-snuff is just clear stuff that comes in a little container that you ingest orally, it’s like the solid version of water vapor.


BRENNAN: So, it’s water?


DAVID: Right, that’s what it’s called. Forgot for a second, you know how it is.


BRENNAN: No…anyway, forget the water you’re trying to sell me, I just need an e-cig tank.


DAVID: Alright, well, here is our most popular brand. (David pulls out a gray e-cigarette tank) This baby can go for hours without needing to be recharged. It gets WI-FI AND pussy.


BRENNAN: What’s the quality of the pussy?


DAVID: Usually low-fi. Girls who think you’re so cool because of an e-cig that they’re going to fuck you are generally not as high quality as the vaporizer on this baby.


BRENNAN: Okay, I’ll take it, I guess.


DAVID: Wonderful. That will be forty-five bucks. Follow me. (They walk over to the register and David rings up the purchase. Brennan hands him the fort-five dollars) I need ID.




(Brennan shows David the ID, which reads “VERMONT UNDER 21 DRIVER LICENSE, USA VT, UNDER 21 UNTIL 7-15-2016, CLASS C, DL 45341281, ISSUE DATE 9/11/2013, EXPIRATION 7/15/2019, SANFORD, BRENNAN SAMUEL, 7822 INSUFFERABLE CIRCLE HANSBAY VT 05401, RESTRICTIONS A, HEIGHT 5-9, SEX MALE, EYES BROWN, DD 047958785738749385939329” and his picture is of him with his hair flipping upward)


DAVID: Nice picture.


BRENNAN: They said my eyes had to be visible, I mean, they might as well have forced me to strip.


(Cut to Kimberly in her office at Altmire Racquetball. Jamie is lying on her desk, staring at the ceiling)


JAMIE: God, this marriage is only useful if I get hurt, otherwise, it’s useless! It’s only use is to cause me pain!


KIMBERLY: I’m going to cause you pain if you don’t get up.


(Jamie sighs)


JAMIE: Fine. (Jamie sits up) Rob tried his best.


KIMBERLY: Well it didn’t help that he threw a fit on the floor of the gym, I mean, look!


(Kimberly turns her computer monitor around to show a cell phone video of Rob on the floor of the gym)




PARENT: Hey man, just, cool it, I’m sorry for overreacting-




(Kimberly pauses it and turns the monitor back to herself)




JAMIE: God, that must’ve happened after I left.


KIMBERLY: it’s viral! CNN is playing it on their morning show to waste time!


JAMIE: No, no, no, Rob!


KIMBERLY: Don’t worry, he’ll ride out the storm. Everybody gets their fifteen minutes of being despised by everybody else. Sometimes it takes fifteen years, though.


JAMIE: Well, I’m hoping not to be married to Rob when I’m forty-one, so…


KIMBERLY: Jamie, if you really don’t like this marriage, just divorce him.


JAMIE: Or I could push him off a cliff…


KIMBERLY: What was that?




KIMBERLY: Oh, okay. Makes sense.


JAMIE: I don’t know, I do need the health insurance.


KIMBERLY: Well, you probably won’t have that for very much longer.


JAMIE: …Shit, you’re right. Has he been fired?


KIMBERLY: Want me to keep playing that video? Later on he is carried out by security while screaming “rage against the machine”.




KIMBERLY: I guess he thinks it’s a rallying call and not a shitty rap rock band.


JAMIE: God, now I have to contact him.




(Jamie starts to walk out)


JAMIE: By the way, your interview subjects have been waiting outside for an hour.


KIMBERLY: Wha-why didn’t you tell me about them?


JAMIE: AFFLUENZA!! (Jamie walks outside and sees the job interviewees, like Bennie Lofgren, Keith Rohrabacher, Irville Satch, Cimmanon the stripper and Bessie from Ryan’s rehab clinic) She’s ready for you, Mr. Lofgren.


(Cut to Bennie Lofgren sitting in front of Kimberly)


KIMBERLY: …Do you have a resume?


BENNIE: I have half a resume. (Bennie hands Kimberly a half-finished resume) I gave up in the middle because I got hungraay.


KIMBERLY: You are such a one-trick pony.


BENNIE: My mom tried to teach me how to bow by putting a burger in between my legs, and I’d lower my head to try to go for it, but, my ribs got in the way.


KIMBERLY: How is this a job interview?


BENNIE: I am very qualified for the sales position I am seeking.


KIMBERLY: Your resume says you’ve worked sixteen different jobs in the last year! It says you quit working at a Starbucks eight months ago after working there all of four hours!


BENNIE: All of it! And that resume is only half-finished, remember? This proves I have many work experience!


KIMBERLY: Bad English, first of all, secondly, it proves more that you can’t hold a job.




(Cut to Kimberly interviewing Keith Rohrabacher)


KIMBERLY: This is a very impressive resume, besides the fact you worked at a restaurant from July to November, and as a school security guard from May to June, the rest of it is impressive, you were in sales at Academy from 2010 to February of this year, you were a personal trainer for 24-Hour fitness from 2003 to 2008 before that, what happened?


KEITH: They hired this new boss at Academy, and she made nothing but snide comments towards me. Things like “have a nice day” and “good morning Keith, how are your kids?” I mean, what was she trying to imply? I slit her tires after that and got fired!


KIMBERLY: It seems like she wasn’t implying anything, she was probably just making idle small talk.


KEITH: She was making idle SNIPING. And idle sniping are the devil’s playthings.


KIMBERLY: And you’re the devil.


KEITH: Was that a snipe at me?


(Cut to Kimberly interviewing Irville Satch)


IRVILLE: I am very versed in Excel, you might say, I excel in it.


KIMBERLY: Not getting off to a good start, right?


IRVILLE: And, I know everything there is to know about Word, you might say, I excel in it.


KIMBERLY: You don’t make puns in job interviews! You just don’t!


IRVILLE: I’m your son’s ex-girlfriend’s step father, by the way.


KIMBERLY: I’m aware of that. But you’re not getting hired on patronage.


IRVILLE: Well, I’m also wanted in twelve states for tree stump theft, they’ve made an FBI case out of it, my reference is James B. Comey junior. He says it’s impressive, he hasn’t seen so much petty theft of natural material become an FBI case before.


KIMBERLY: Yeah, you wrote that. (She looks at Irville’s resume) It says you once served as a referee at the Ryland Fletcher baseball stadium?


IRVILLE: Yeah, that’s the old stadium.


KIMBERLY: I thought the old stadium was the Carlos Coolidge stadium.


IRVILLE: No, I mean the old stadium, where the old players play. So many players struck out. I might as well have been refereeing a graveyard.


(Cut to Kimberly interviewing Bessie)


KIMBERLY: So, you work at the Clara Martin rehab facility? That’s crazy, my son goes to that rehab facility-


BESSIE: Will my office have a lot of leg room?


KIMBERLY: …Uh, it’s an open floor plan, besides my office, so yes, the desks are quit spacious.


BESSIE: Can I breast feed?


KIMBERLY: …It says here you were born in 1956, do you have grand children or something?


BESSIE: I have no kids.


KIMBERLY: Oh.  (Cut to a man wearing Google glass and with gelled black hair and a short-sleeved dress shirt and black tie entering Kimberly’s office. Kimberly stands up) Doyle!


DOYLE: Kimberly! (Kimberly comes around the desk and hugs Doyle) Oh, how nice.


(Kimberly detaches from Doyle and sits behind the desk as he sits in front)


KIMBERLY: Wow, you get to try the prototype of Google glass?


DOYLE: Oh yeah. I’m one of the eight thousand prototype testers.


KIMBERLY: Nice. Did you have to pick it up in New York or something?


DOYLE: Nope, they shipped it right to me. The website said they would ship it to your “home, tree house or igloo”. (Kimberly chuckles) Which is perfect, because I lived in a tree house at the time.




DOYLE: Yeah, things aren’t going well. Financially.


KIMBERLY: Why’d you pay 1,500 dollars for Google Glass then?


DOYLE: I signed up when I had a job, there are no refunds! Google doesn’t like to be messed with.


KIMBERLY: What happened to your job at Plenica?


DOYLE: Let’s just say you quit at the right time. There were massive layoffs in the summer of ’09 once the great recession kicked in big. I barely survived that, because I had only worked there for several years and they were getting rid of the senior employees, including the damn founder. That guy would throw lines in his fish tank and snort lines of Flomax off his desk.


KIMBERLY: I remember him. So what? There was another round of layoffs?


DOYLE: Yeah, starting a few months ago. By that time, I had worked there ten years and they threw me out on my ass.


KIMBERLY: I see. Sorry to hear that. Well, you have plenty of sales experience, I know that for a fact, you’re probably overqualified for this position, but since you’re going through a rough time, I will seriously consider you for the position.


DOYLE: Thanks so much, Kimberly.


KIMBERLY: One question though.


DOYLE: What?


KIMBERLY: How do you take pictures with that thing?


(Doyle chuckles)


DOYLE: You wink.




DOYLE: Yeah.


KIMBERLY: But aren’t you prone to seizures?


DOYLE: Yeah, and my eye twitches during them.




DOYLE: I had a seizure once and I got a bunch of pictures of people laughing.


KIMBERLY: Oh, wow. (Doyle takes out his inhaler and inhales from it. Cut to Kimberly sitting down, reviewing the resumes. A curly-haired middle-aged man walks in and Kimberly looks up) Luke?!


LUKE: (British accent) Luke!

(Kimberly stands up)


KIMBERLY: Oh my God, what are you doing here?


LUKE: I’m applying, Kim! Do I get a hug or is this all business? I didn’t bring cuff links if that’s what you were expecting.


KIMBERLY: Gosh, of course! (Kimberly walks over and hugs him. They detach and Kimberly stands before him) I just don’t know why you would need a job!


LUKE: Plenica laid me off.


KIMBERLY: They laid YOU off?! That I can just not understand.


LUKE: Yeah, some people stood up and pledge to get laid off with me. But the new management told them to keep their heads down or their wish would be granted.


KIMBERLY: God, that’s how much of a leader you were. And are, I’m sure.


LUKE: You don’t have to cater to my ego. I’m better at it than you are.


(Kimberly laughs. Cut to Brennan, Michael, Eric and Sarah speaking to one another at lunch in the corner)


MICHAEL: If I could die in the middle of ejaculation, I’d be okay with that.


ERIC: I can get that for you, but it will cost you.


MICHAEL: You actually know people that can do that?


ERIC: Nuqqa, I know everybody who can do everything. Money is the language of love, never forget that.


SARAH: Ryan always had this weird fetish that seemed vaguely maternal, it was sort of odd.


MICHAEL: What seemed maternal about it?


SARAH: He called me “mom” and rammed me in the mouth.


MICHAEL: How the fuck is that “vaguely” maternal!?


BRENNAN: Fetishes are fetishes, they’re always something you want but can never have. Ryan wanted you to be his mom, he didn’t want to fuck his mom.


SARAH: I always figured that. What’s your weirdest fetish, Brennan?


BRENNAN: Uh…probably…this is going to be pretty weird, but probably sweat pants.


(They all sit in bored silence)


ERIC: Dude, I fantasize about cracking open pony pussy like a coconut and you think I’ll be weirded out by a sweat pants fetish?


BRENNAN: I knew you guys wouldn’t get it…


SARAH: Brennan, it’s really common. Don’t worry about it-


BRENNAN: I’m going to go find Coin, just forget I ever said anything.


(Brennan runs away. Cut to Bailey editing in the KDGM studio. Davis walks in holding a soda)


DAVIS: (Mock deep voice) Oh, look at me! I’m Bailey! I’m editing, I’m like, so cool or whatever!


BAILEY: Hi Davis.


(Davis smiles and sets his backpack down)


DAVIS: (Mock deep voice) Oh, look at me! I’m Ryan! I’m not even here because I’m a drug-addicted little fuck who leaves all the work to the rest of KDGM!

BAILEY: No kidding. I do miss him. He’s Stem’s golden boy.


(Davis sits down)


DAVIS: (Normal voice) He’s so cheating. He gets to be exempt from all end of semester exams because he did too many drugs? It’s like, what are we rewarding here?


BAILEY: He’ll have to make it up, I’m sure.


DAVIS: Yeah, he’ll have to make up for all the drugs he didn’t take while in rehab.


(Coin walks in with her back pack strapped on)


COIN: Hey guys.


(Coin sits down at a computer)


BAILEY: Hey Coin.


DAVIS: Are you allowed to be in here, Coin?


COIN: Yeah, I’m in Mrs. Stem’s journalism class, so I have access to the KDGM room. I also have her spare house keys just in case she croaks one summer and no one checks up on her.


BAILEY: She trusts you with that?


COIN: She even gave me this bag, (Coin takes out a bag labeled “if I die”) which has her will and stuff, there’s also some- (Coin takes out a cup of silly putty) silly putty in here.


DAVIS: Alright. Well, I need to get back to editing.




COIN: Cool. Totally.


(Coin puts the bag back in her backpack as Davis and Bailey turn back to their computers. She takes out her e-cigarette and begins vaping. She also takes out a water bottle with brandy in it and puts it on the table)


BAILEY: Whoa, is that one of those e-cigs I’ve heard so much about?


COIN: Yeah! They’re awesome, Brennan bought it for me. Because it’s just water vapor, the nicotine is harmless without the tobacco, besides the “more addictive than heroin” thing. Want some?


BAILEY: No, I’m good.


(Davis rolls his chair over)


DAVIS: Me! Me! Me! Me! (Davis takes it out of her hand and vapes it) Oh, wow, that is nice. That burns a little, though.


COIN: That’s the nicotine. I’m going to taper off as I progress, because I’m trying to quit actual smoking.


DAVIS: Yeah, I need to wash that down. (Davis takes a swig of Coin’s water bottle full of brandy) Whoa! That is…


COIN: It’s Brandy.


DAVIS: Shit, I thought it was sweet tea or something. Ozarka sells Brandy now?! I want to go to this Spring! I want to do it this spring!


BAILEY: Why’d you bring Brandy to school?


COIN: It calms my nerves. I have a lot of nerves, hundreds, maybe.


BAILEY: More than that, Coin. Way more than that.


COIN: I also have a fish bowl full of vodka in my back pack.


DAVIS: You’re cool, Coin.


COIN: Do you mean that?


(Brennan walks in)


BRENNAN: I somehow knew you were going to be here.


DAVIS: Your girlfriend has Brandy in a water bottle over here.


BRENNAN: Oh… (Brennan rubs his eyes) is that right?


DAVIS: Yeah. And suddenly, I feel so, confident!


COIN: You want some, sweetie?


BRENNAN: I’m straight-edge, Coin. You know that.


BAILEY: You’ve been rubbing your eyes for a long time.


BRENNAN: I’m almost done.


(Cut to Rob sitting in Ryan’s room, drinking beer while watching the news with Patrick White on TV. The shades are drawn down, blocking the sunlight)


PATRICK WHITE: President Obama has continued to take flack for his missteps at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service, including partaking in a selfie with the Danish Prime Minister while Michelle Obama sat by, livid. The First Lady withheld sex from the President for the rest of the memorial service to punish him for this action, although they were at it again in the limo leaving the memorial. And the beleaguered fake sign language interpreter was making an O face the whole time they were doing it. Some criticized the President for not going far enough with his viral antics, one commentator said he should have planked, parkoured and played the “knockout” game at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela. Speaking of great men, Pope Francis has been named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year for his work in revolutionizing the rhetoric, image and practices of the Catholic Church. Time once again ignored the online poll for who should be Person of the Year, which was won by musician Miley Cyrus. In response, Pope Francis twerked the feet of the poor. Pope Francis has recently denied allegations by American conservatives that he is a "Marxist”, saying there is only one inherently debunked philosophy he preaches, and it’s Catholicism. It should be a comfort to everybody that neither side of this feud actually knows what Marxism is. In other international affairs, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un had his uncle executed for allegedly conspiring to overthrow-oh wait, this is North Korea, I don’t have to say allegedly, (clears throat) DEFINITELY conspiring to overthrow the North Korean regime through “intrigues and other despicable acts”. Also, they tossed allegations of drug use and womanizing in there for good measure. He was convicted of these crimes by, someone or something, and was promptly executed three days later. Reportedly, an American circuit court judge’s gaveling hand flinched when he heard about his imminent execution, but then he stopped to realize dictatorships are much more efficient than America could ever hope to be. Speaking of the court system, we have received some breaking news, apparently a federal judge has ruled that the mass collection of phone data under the NSA’s PRISM program is laughably unconstitutional. He said in his brief “are you fucking kidding me? You might as well begin a program that quarters soldiers in private residences so they can take away liquor and, and, keep you as slaves! Thanks for making it easy for me, I guess”. However, he stayed enforcement of the ruling, pending an appeal by the Obama administration. It is unclear whether the administration will pursue an appeal, the President’s advisors are reportedly too afraid to approach him as he sobs in a corner of the Oval Office as the worst year of his Presidency draws to a close.


ROB: Booooooo, what a jackass. (Someone knocks on the door) Ryan, you’re not back from rehab already, are you?


JAMIE: (Offscreen) No, Rob, it’s your wife! I’m doing a well-being check, because the police refused, apparently you’ve individually wronged everybody on the police force, but anyway, I checked everywhere but Ryan’s room, because, you really should not be here.


ROB: Someone should use this room to feel sorry for themselves now that Ryan isn’t.


JAMIE: Let me in!


(Rob sighs)


ROB: Fiiiiine.


(Rob languidly gets up and opens the door to see Jamie standing there)


JAMIE: Hubs…hubby…husband…L. Ron Hubbard….


ROB: What?


JAMIE: Did you get fired?


ROB: I don’t know, my phone is off.


JAMIE: Let’s turn it on, huh?


ROB: It’s on the roof.


JAMIE: That’s okay, because your boss left messages on my phone.


(Jamie takes out his phone and plays a message from Mayor Sarandon)


MAYOR SARANDON: (Phone recording) Hey Jamie. I got your number from Facebook. It’s crazy, I like the Foo Fighters too, anyway, I’m trying to get ahold of your pretend husband, Rob, I have something to tell him regarding his employment with the exercise initiative that I staked my legacy on and the future of his employment with that particular venture. And how there isn’t one. Have him call me back almost immediately. Or don’t, just tell him he was fired. In fact, don’t have him call me back. In fact, let him come into work so I can pelt him with eggs or something-I’d have to get eggs, though. This is a lot of pressure for me, give me time. Thanks, Jamie. Bye.


(The message ends)


ROB: Oh, fuuuuuckkk…


(Rob throws his back against the wall and slides down to the floor)


JAMIE: Rob… (Jamie slides down the wall and sits right next to him) you were fired.


ROB: I know!


JAMIE: We all get fired sometimes.


ROB: Not from a gig that paid downwards of 25,000 dollars a year!

JAMIE: Wow, you got paid that little?!


ROB: The janitor at the elementary school once lent me money for the bus.


JAMIE: Jesus.


ROB: He gave me a can of yams so I could have a Thanksgiving dinner.


JAMIE: Rob, don’t you know what this means?! I don’t have health insurance anymore!


ROB: WE don’t have health insurance anymore. We’re a couple. We lose benefits together.


JAMIE: Fine, but still, this whole marriage was solely for the purpose of insuring us!


ROB: Not SOLELY for that purpose-


JAMIE: Let’s find you another job! A job that pays much better than that throwaway glorified gym teacher gig.


ROB: Maybe wood shop? I could teach wood shop.


JAMIE: You haven’t been to prison enough times for that.


(Rob snaps)


ROB: There’s an idea! A life of crime!

JAMIE: What?


ROB: We could be like a modern day “Bonnie and Clyde”! Which do you want to be?


JAMIE: Rob! Are you serious?! I’m Clyde!


ROB: I could see it now. We could retire to a co-ed jail together.


JAMIE: Rob, focus.


ROB: Sorry, I’m just being…nostalgic.


JAMIE: No, you’re fantasizing. There’s a difference, what you’re describing hasn’t happened yet and will never happen.


ROB: I’m being coy.


JAMIE: …You need a job. With good health insurance benefits. Because Kimberly cannot give health insurance yet.


ROB: Uhhh…I can’t just pull jobs out of my hat. I mean, I have a hat right here. (He grabs a nearby baseball hat filled with slips of paper) But it’s only full of jobs I wanted to have as a child.


JAMIE: Oh, that’s why it has a dump truck on it.


ROB: Yeah, one of the jobs was a dump truck. (Rob takes out a slip of paper and reads it) And I also wanted to be a “Powder Puff Ranger”.


(Jamie giggles)


JAMIE: It’s not too late.


ROB: I was a confused young child.


JAMIE: Weren’t you like, twenty when the Power Puff girls premiered?


ROB: Just, chill. I came up with them.


JAMIE: I’m going to ask around for you. You go on Monster or LinkedIn, or, just play League professionally or something until we can get you a job.


ROB: YouTube keeps telling me they’re going to send that check.


(Cut to Jamie at her desk at Altmire Racquetball. Mel walks over)


MEL: Hey Jamie, could you write everybody’s names on slips of paper and put them in a hat for Secret Santa?


JAMIE: Uh, we have three employees. Is that really worth it?


MEL: We have another employee on the way though. Plus who knows when you’re going to pop out a little worker, huh? A little elf?


JAMIE: Ew, I am not having a baby with Rob.


MEL: Come on, it’d be the ultimate Christmas gift, or, (he does the math in his head) Labor Day gift.


JAMIE: Please leave.


MEL: Okay-


(Mel starts to walk away)


JAMIE: Actually, hold on! (He turns back to Jamie) Um, Rob was fired recently, as you may have heard.


MEL: I did.


JAMIE: Right, uh, do you know any openings in the area? I know you have connections in the entertainment industry, he could probably be a good camera operator or director’s chair, so-


MEL: Actually, I was just thinking about this the other day, I have some friends at ABC who are always looking for uh…guys like Rob. Here’s a number.


(Mel hands her a business card reading “Paul Lee- ABC Entertainment, 77 West 66th Street, New York City, New York, 212-976-2878 or 212-976-2879 if you’re nasty (;”. Jamie looks up to see Mel is gone)


JAMIE: It’s pretty amazing how similar those two numbers are, what are the odds?


(Cut to Kimberly’s foot pounding on a concrete surface. Zoom out to reveal she’s in the break room of her office, which has brick walls and a concrete floor, with cabinets and stuff. A Keurig is making her coffee as Jamie walks in)


KIMBERLY: We need carpet in here.


JAMIE: We need paint too.


KIMBERLY: Whoa, you’re getting a little demanding.


JAMIE: You insisted we get this Keurig instead of all these things, I’m just saying.


KIMBERLY: Are you really putting me on a Wednesday morning blast?


JAMIE: Yeah, I am, okay, what about the person you’re supposed to hire?


KIMBERLY: I’m still in the decisioning phase.


JAMIE: Well deciding quicklier, because my workload is increasing every time we get a new lead, client or desperate buy-out offer from Mark Zuckerberg.


KIMBERLY: How much did he offer this time?


JAMIE: 400 million.


KIMBERLY: Pathetic.


JAMIE: Why are you having problems deciding?


KIMBERLY: …Well, I figure you’re the only one I can tell about this.


(Jamie sits on the counter)


JAMIE: What’s up?


KIMBERLY: Two of the applicants, you know, the two who weren’t completely insane-


JAMIE: Yeah, why did you call those people back?


KIMBERLY: I wanted to make it look like more people wanted this job. Anyway, two of them, Doyle Spann and Luke Wilkinson. Both of them used to work with me. They’re both astutely qualified. But Doyle is a nerdy, sort of, socially awkward penguin, while Luke is this cut, British dynamo with amazing people skills.


JAMIE: What’s hard about that? You hire Luke, people skills are important in sales. They are sales, actually. It’s like saying, “what salad should I get, a Caesar salad or a steak?” In fact, how is this Doyle guy successful in sales? Is he intense like Dwight Schrute?


KIMBERLY: People feel bad for him, mostly. Pity sells.


JAMIE: Kimberly, how is this a hard decision? You’re not a cheater, if Ethan trusts you, there shouldn’t be a problem. (Kimberly looks down) Oh…really?


(Kimberly’s head shoots back up)




JAMIE: You don’t have to tell me anything about-


KIMBERLY: I did cheat once.


JAMIE: …Where?


KIMBERLY: I-really, that’s your first question? Where?


JAMIE: Yeah, I’m most curious about that part.


KIMBERLY: It doesn’t matter, I only cheated for revenge, because Ethan had basically cheated on me.


JAMIE: Wait, did he cheat on you or did he basically cheat on you?


KIMBERLY: There was no sexual act of cheating, he didn’t get to third base, but he was, um, a spectator. In the outfield. I guess maybe he, ran onto the field?


JAMIE: Was he an exhibitionist?


KIMBERLY: No, that’s not the word.


JAMIE: A voyeur?


KIMBERLY: Sort of, yes. But the participants were letting him watch-Jesus, why am I telling you this?

JAMIE: Probably because you have no one else you can talk to about it.


KIMBERLY: …Yeah, you’re right.


JAMIE: What I would do is, without telling him the identities of the people involved, give him both of their resumes and ask for his opinion on who you should hire. That way, you have an unbiased third party opinion and you are then completely blameless.


KIMBERLY: Wow, that’s actually a really good idea. You know what, Jamie? Huh. You’re not so bad after all.


JAMIE: Well, thanks so much for that.


(Cut to Ethan at home looking at the Christmas tree)


ETHAN: This tree is just…bad.


(Kimberly walks over)


KIMBERLY: What are you talking about? It’s all light up, ornaments everywhere, it’s beautiful.


ETHAN: No, I have to chop it down.


(Ethan takes out an ax)


KIMBERLY: Whoa! (Kimberly grabs the ax) What the hell are you doing?!


ETHAN: Trees are the reason for the season! And how are we going to honor Jesus’ 2013th birthday without a respectable tree?! He’s sensitive, you know how he is.


KIMBERLY: Yeah, you can’t say one bad thing about Jesus otherwise he’ll strike you with lightning, I’d say that’s pretty sensitive.


ETHAN: Cool it.


KIMBERLY: Listen, just put the ax down, although I never thought I’d have to say that to you, but put it down, and help me with something.


(Ethan sighs)


ETHAN: Fine.


(He throws the ax down, and it makes a loud noise)


KIMBERLY: Careful!


ETHAN: What is it?


KIMBERLY: Come over here. (Ethan and Kimberly walk into the kitchen and they sit down at the dinner table. She takes out two resumes) I’ve narrowed down my hiring options to these two white men.


ETHAN: Perfect.


KIMBERLY: But their qualifications are so similar and they both have pros and cons, do you mind looking over these and giving me your honest opinion of who I should hire?


ETHAN: Well, (he looks at both the resumes) right off the bat, it looks like this Doyle Spann guy numbered the pages in the Fibonacci sequence.


KIMBERLY: What’s the Fibonacci sequence?


ETHAN: A series of numbers that frequently appear in nature, as outlined by Leonardo Fibonacci in the 13th century. That’s just unnecessary, also, he put this dumb quote on the cover page.


KIMBERLY: That’s a Big Bang Theory quote.


ETHAN: Oh. I didn’t know that, because I’m not a nerd!


KIMBERLY: You were just talking about the Fibonacci sequence!


ETHAN: Regardless, the quote is points off. (Ethan turns pages) He clearly sneezed on this page. (He turns a couple more) He lists Apple products as an extracurricular activity, (he flips a page) he starts out this sentence with “let me be honest with you about something”, that implies he’s lied about the rest of the resume, (he flips to the back) he ends with a gif of Carl Sagan dancing, but since it’s paper, he just storyboards the gif showing Carl Sagan’s hips moving from side to side. I mean, what the fuck?


KIMBERLY: You’re focusing on aesthetics, look at his qualifications.


ETHAN: Well, (he flips to a middle page) he worked at Brenica Appliances from 2003 to 2013, that sounds a lot like the place you used to work.


KIMBERLY: Yeah, it’s just a coincidence. Similar names. We sued them once, actually. Yeah, sure did. We lost though. Yeah, sure did.


ETHAN: Well, his qualifications seem okay, sales-wise. (Ethan takes Luke’s resume) But this Luke Wilkinson seems like a real go-getter. He also worked at Brenica, but he doesn’t have any crazy extraneous bullshit about Fibonacci numbers or Apple or Carl Sagan or the Big Bang Theory. In fact, he has stuff about “numbers don’t matter, you have to love what you sell to sell it effectively”. How cool is that?


KIMBERLY: It is really cool.


ETHAN: He has George Carlin and Bill Hicks quotes, he included an autographed baseball, (Ethan takes out the baseball and looks at it) and it’s signed by him! That seems like it should be weird, but I’m honored! Kimmy, this isn’t even a question!

(Kimberly puts her head in her hands)


KIMBERLY: Ugh, I know….


(Cut to Brennan and Sarah walking from the parking lot of the school towards the entrance. They are both wearing heavy jackets due to the bitter cold)


SARAH: So I heard Coin got turnt in the KDGM room the other day.


BRENNAN: Ugh, I hate that term.


SARAH: Is it true?


BRENNAN: Yes, she got somewhat turnt. She brought Brandy to school. Fuckin’ dumbass, but she just wants attention, she’s not an alcoholic or anything. I talked to her and she agreed to not bring booze on campus anymore, so as long as we refuse to give into her cries for attention, we should be fine.


SARAH: Alright, then. (Brennan and Sarah walk into school to see Coin signing in at the attendance office. She is wearing shorts) Was your girlfriend wearing shorts in 25 degree weather?


BRENNAN: Oh, Jesus.


(Coin turns around to reveal the cutting scars on her legs)


COIN: Hi honey!


(Coin runs toward Brennan and hugs him. Brennan remains wide-eyed and Sarah stands by, uncomfortable)


BRENNAN: Hi, Coin.


(Coin lets go)


COIN: Exams, right? Which one do you have today?


BRENNAN: Psychology. I failed in it.


COIN: So did I!


BRENNAN: Yeah, clearly.


COIN: What?


BRENNAN: Coin, uh-


SARAH: I’m gonna get to my exam.


(Principal Duron walks over)


PRINCIPAL DURON: Coin, you need to come with me.


COIN: No!! I was discharged YEARS ago!

PRINCIPAL DURON: I’m going to need BACK UP!!!


(Bill, an older white man, rides over in a golf cart wearing a “Hansbay Highlanders” cap)


BILL: Let’s go!


(They both get out and pick up Coin)




BRENNAN: Just go with the men, Coin!


BILL: Watch your head.


(They put her in the back of the golf cart and drive off. Cut to Brennan sitting in his psychology class. He is the only one in there. His female teacher walks in)


FEMALE TEACHER: Oh, how nice to see you, so early in the morning, Mr. Sanford.


BRENNAN: Is this it?


FEMALE TEACHER: Yeah, everyone else exempted. So go ahead, here’s the test. (She tosses him the test and scantron) It’s two hundred questions. Because you deserve it.


BRENNAN: Can I have a pencil?


(Cut to Counselor Vammberg, Principal Duron and Principal Maxell in Vammberg’s office with Coin)


COIN: I don’t understand what I’m being accused of. I want a lawyer.


COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Little girl, you are only being accused of wearing inappropriate clothing.


(Coin stands up)


COIN: But it passes the fist rule! (Coin puts her arms by her side and shows her fist does not go past the bottom of the shorts) See? The fists does not go past the shorts!


PRINCIPAL DURON: Yes, but it’s the row of scars on your legs that we’re concerned about-


(Coin starts scratching the scars)


COIN: What are you talkin’ about?






(She stops and sits down)


COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Your scars on your legs, they concern us greatly. Who did that to you?


PRINCIPAL DURON: And why did you feel the need to wear shorts so everybody can see them?


COIN: My other shorts were dirty.


(Counselor Vammberg puts her head in hands)


COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: How does that answer either question?! (She looks at Coin) Huh?


COIN: Are you going to force me to change?


COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Yes, of course! Here. (Counselor Vammberg takes out sweat pants with a hole in the front) There you go-oh, hold on, not these. (She takes out a pair splashes with blood) Damnit, not these- (She takes out a Dominatrix outfit on a hanger with whips) nope, keep digging- (she takes out regular sweat pants) there we go. Go ahead.


(She throws the sweatpants on Coin’s head. Cut to Brennan walking out of the class room. He receives a text from Coin. He reads it on his phone, it says “meet me in the praking lot when ur done with ur test (;” he responds “I’ll be there in a second, cute one (:” and then puts his phone in his pocket)


BRENNAN: A regular smiley face instead of a winkyface should hint to her that this is over. Maybe it should’ve been a sad winkyface, though, that’d be like teasing her that we’re breaking up. UGH! Whatever. Just gotta tear it right off. (He walks out of the school and puts his beanie and hood on) I’ll just say “Coin, your recent behavior has made me very uncomfortable, and I’m afraid we need to take a break for a while.” Just come right out and say it. Here we go. (Brennan walks into the parking lot to see Coin standing there, wearing the sweat pants Mrs. Vammberg gave her while smoking an e-cigarette) Ohhh, dear Lord.


COIN: Hey.


(She takes a drag of her e-cig)




COIN: What’s up?


(Brennan walks over to her and gets down to his knees and hugs her legs, resting his head against her vagina)


BRENNAN: God, you’re amazing.


COIN: Aww.


(Coin pats Brennan’s head. Cut to Jamie walking into her house to hear her parents and Rob in the living room, laughing. She walks into see them sitting on the couch, around the Christmas tree, talking together)


JAMIE: What’s going on here?


ROB: A Christmas Miracle, that’s what what!


JAMIE: What what?


ROB: That number you gave me, the guy at ABC, he says he saw my viral video and that he believes I can make a huge splash in REALITY TELEVISION!


JAMIE’S MOTHER: Like that Game of Thorns Show, Jamie! Tell him, Steven!


JAMIE: That show is not reality television.


JAMIE’S MOTHER: It is if your grasp on reality is tenuous!

JAMIE: Fair enough, I guess. Why reality TV though?!


ROB: Have you seen the video?


JAMIE: Yes! You were lashing out at all those people, but they deserved it a little bit.


ROB: Not after a while! And that’s why Paul Lee thinks I’m perfect for the next Duck Tales!


JAMIE: Duck Dynasty.


ROB: Or survivor! Drop me in Nigeria and I’ll make as many Duck Commanders as you want!


JAMIE: Rob… (Jamie sits down next to him) Reality TV is such garbage though.


ROB: But we’ll make bank. We could even get an apartment. We could have it all. A kitchenette, two bedrooms, carpet, EVEN in the bathrooms.


JAMIE: These don’t seem like very lofty goals.


ROB: They’ll only get loftier. You know, I was thinking, since our marriage is a sham because of the whole, insurance thing, I was thinking that’s a great premise for a reality show on its own!


JAMIE: …Sort of a thin premise.


ROB: Jamie, what’s the premise of Keeping Up After The Kardashians?


JAMIE: Well, it’s about a group of maids trying to fulfill the arduous task of cleaning up after the Kardashian sisters and finding friendship along the way-


ROB: No, that’s on E! 2, I meant Keeping Up With the Kardashians.


JAMIE: Oh, that show has no premise.



JAMIE: But I do not have what it takes to be an attention whore on television who is famous for absolutely NOTHING!

ROB: Jamie, this is independence! Would you rather live with these people all your life?!


JAMIE’S MOTHER: Would you?


STEVEN: Would you, Jamie?


JAMIE: Of course not, but, UGH! (Jamie gets up and turns away from Rob) At least my parents know who I am! (She turns back to Rob) How could you think I would EVER want to do this?!


ROB: Because you want health insurance? Isn’t that the whole point?!

JAMIE: It’s not supposed to be the WHOLE point!


JAMIE’S MOTHER: Do you want us to stay here or listen to you through our bedroom door?


JAMIE: Shut up for a second, mom.


ROB: Hey! Watch it!

JAMIE: God, now you’re defending her?! What is wrong with you?! You know, our mutual enjoyment of video games can only take us so far, Rob! In the end, we’re completely different people!

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