“EMO WITHOUT A CAUSE”
“Yell, shout, just burn-out, threaten that new dimension, and give it your all”
(We start with Ryan, who is wearing black super skinny jeans and a black “Devil’s Niece” shirt, is lying on the pavement in front of some building, playing with two cymbal monkeys. He is clearly drunk and high)
RYAN: “OhhH! I’m Dirk McFuckcheeks, and I’m gonna bang this slut!” “Well, I’m Michelle, so I can’t wait for you to do that, Dirk. Are you kidding me? I’ll go nuts! Get it?” Wait, these are squirrels, right?
(Cut to Ryan being escorted into the Hansbay police station by two beat cops. They take him inside, and go to the counter)
COUNTER COP: Did he steal a truck full of razor blades or something?
COP: No, Duncan. He was drunk and high in public. We found robitussin on him. Half the bottle was gone.
DUNCAN: Jesus. Search him, Connie.
(Connie and the other cop search him, and find a razor blade, a baggie of ecstasy, a cell phone, a wallet and a crudely drawn picture of dog eating afterbirth with the caption “It’s a dog eat placenta world”)
DUNCAN: Well, what we appear to have here is a razor blade, a baggie of ecstasy, a cell phone and a crudely drawn picture of a dog eating afterbirth. Why?
RYAN: You don’t understand me, man…
DUNCAN: I just met you.
CONNIE: Can we place him against the wall?
(They bring him over to a wall and place him up against it. Cut to Michelle in a Detective’s office, sitting across from him over his desk)
DETECTIVE: Hi, Michelle. I’m Detective Kallas. Pray tell, why were you walking about outside at one o’clock in the morning?
MICHELLE: He must hate me.
DETECTIVE KALLAS: Excuse me?
MICHELLE: I said he must hate me.
DETECTIVE KALLAS: Well, that’s probably true.
MICHELLE: He doesn’t-wait, what?
DETECTIVE KALLAS: I said it’s probably true that he hates you.
MICHELLE: Why would you just assume that? You’re supposed to comfort me!
DETECTIVE KALLAS: Want a pillow?
(Detective Kallas throws a pillow at her face, which annoys her vastly)
MICHELLE: Okay, first of all, that’s not what I meant by comfort, and second of all, that was really obnoxious. Listen, all I’m saying is that my dad doesn’t like anything about me! He doesn’t like my friends; he doesn’t like my clothing, nothing. (She starts crying) I mean…one time (sob), at an Easter egg roll (sob) I came outside wearing my new skirt from Hot Topic…and some make-up…and he grabbed my face (sob), and he rubbed the make-up off my face…and then put it on himself(sob) which was really weird, but…today, he called me a wanton strumpet! (Sobs) AN INSTRUMENT, RIGHT TO MY FACE! SO I LEFT!
DETECTIVE KALLAS: Is that why you were whoring around at one in the morning?
MICHELLE: (Sniffs) I wasn’t whoring.
DETECTIVE KALLAS: Sure. Anyway, do you want your father to pick you up, or your mother?
MICHELLE: (Sniffs) My dad.
DETECTIVE KALLAS: Great.
(He gets up and leaves. Cut to Ryan sitting on a throne-like seat at the police station, very drunk, with his head on the arm rest. A police siren starts playing in the background, so Ryan starts loudly imitating the police siren. Duncan and Kallas enter)
DUNCAN: Hey! Stop that!
(Ryan stops. They keep walking when he starts again. Duncan grabs his Taser and tases Ryan, causing him to convulse)
RYAN: AGH! MOTHERFUCKER!!!!
DUNCAN: YOU GONNA KEEP QUIET NOW?!
RYAN: YES! GODDAMN!
(Cut to Kallas entering his office, where Michelle is seated)
KALLAS: Michelle, your mother’s going to be picking you up.
(Michelle gets up)
MICHELLE: My mother?! You said you would get my father!
KALLAS: Well, I figured it was close enough. Goodbye, Michelle. Take it easy, okay?
MICHELLE: Fuck you!
(She leaves. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly, Ethan in a tuxedo and Kimberly in a beautiful dress, enter and walk up to Ryan on his throne-like chair)
KIMBERLY: For the love of God, where were you tonight?
ETHAN: We were at Mayor Sarandon’s employee’s banquet, and right between the live pig roasting and the roman orgy, we got a communication via messenger hawk saying you were arrested! What happened?!
(Ryan gets up and pats his dad on the chest)
RYAN: Were you having a ball, dad? (He nods assuredly) Well, everyone’s having a ball. (Ryan moves and makes way for his father) You’re the king of the ball, dad.
(Ethan smiles as he sits down on the throne-like chair)
ETHAN: I am so proud of this completely fictional honor you have bestowed upon me. Never did I think I would walk into a police station one day and be anointed by my youngest son to be the King of the Ball. I hereby appoint you as the Viceroy of the ministry of King’s advisors. Now, (claps twice) FETCH ME COOKED GEESE!
KIMBERLY: What the hell’s going on?
(Cut to Brennan being interrogated by another detective as his black nanny, who is wearing a robe, looks on)
DETECTIVE: Brennan, I’m detective Petrovich. Now, Brennan, do you have any idea why you shot those puppies?
BRENNAN: Because they weren’t going to shoot themselves!
BRENNAN: I had to get the job done.
PETROVICH: Why do you think the puppies wanted to shoot themselves?
BRENNAN: Because they were hungry!
PETROVICH: Then feed them!
BRENNAN: I already had the gun in my hand, what am I going to do, not shoot puppies?
BLACK NANNY: Well, sir, his parents are in New Hampshire with Brennan’s little brother Jeff, so it’s just us.
PETROVICH: Have you ever thought about having Brennan see a psychiatrist, Sidney?
BRENNAN: You mean a head-shrinker?
PETROVICH: No, I mean a fucking psychiatrist, psychiatry is a commonly accepted field now, so don’t give me that “head-shrinker” bullshit.
SIDNEY: Oh, Brennan’s dad thinks that psychiatry stuff is the devil’s blood.
BRENNAN: I heard they stick bolts into your brains and electrocute you on day one.
SIDNEY: She done thinks it’s the devil’s brow sweat.
BRENNAN: Uncle Tim says in psychiatry, they brainwash you into being a red.
PETROVICH: Listen, I don’t care what wild misconceptions about psychiatry you have, or what bodily fluid of the devil you think it’s most similar to, he needs a psychiatrist! HE SHOT PUPPIES!
(Cut to Ryan, Ethan, Kimberly and Kallas in an office)
ETHAN: I don’t see what’s wrong with a kid taking a little drink.
KALLAS: He’s a minor, sir, and it looks like had much more than a little drink. We found robitussin and ecstasy on his person.
ETHAN: Goddamnit. Listen, he is just a little off the rails, because he’s in love with his boss, and she used to date his worst enemy, it happens.
RYAN: Does it? Does it happen?
ETHAN: Can I explain this, please? Can you let me try? Do you have to slam the door in my face? I try to get through his thick emo skull, and what happens? Don’t we buy you shit? You want a Toby
Keith poster, we get you one, you want an automatic machine gun to exercise your second amendment rights, we get you one, you want a Birther on Board bumper sticker and we get you one!
RYAN: Yeah, the only problem is, I didn’t want any of that stuff!
ETHAN: Well, beggars can’t be choosers.
RYAN: Didn’t beg! No begging took place; you got me that stuff completely unprovoked.
ETHAN: We give you love and affection, don’t we?
RYAN: You call me a “faggot” on a daily basis.
ETHAN: It’s a term of endearment!
RYAN: It’s not.
ETHAN: Is it because we went to that party? You know how much of a drunken brawl those things turn in to; it’s not a place for kids.
KIMBERLY: A minute ago, you said you didn’t care if he drinks.
ETHAN: I said a little drink.
RYAN: YOU’RE TEARING ME APART!
RYAN: YOU SAY ONE THING, HE SAYS ANOTHER AND EVERYBODY CHANGES BACK AGAIN!
ETHAN: Ryan, don’t talk to Governor Romney that way, (Camera pans over to see Governor Romney in a suit) don’t you think he hears enough of that on the campaign trail?
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: It’s fine, Ethan. I’m used to it. Can we go back to the Mayor’s banquet? I saw some hair that needs correcting.
(Romney holds up scissors and goes “snip-snip” twice)
KALLAS: We’ll go in the next room for a second.
(Kallas takes Ryan into his office. Ryan sits down next to the desk and Kallas sits down on the desk)
RYAN: You gotta lock me up, I took some X a little while ago, I’m going to hug somebody.
KALLAS: Try the desk.
(Ryan begins hugging and making out with the desk and rubbing himself up against it. Cut to the next day. Ryan is talking to Michelle outside Hansbay High)
RYAN: So, then they released me.
MICHELLE: Really? Wow.
RYAN: Also, I got arrested last night.
MICHELLE: So was I!
RYAN: Crazy how that works, huh?
RYAN: Listen, I’m glad you transferred to this school.
MICHELLE: Yeah so am I. Burlington High is a dump.
MICHELLE: Listen, I have something to tell you.
MICHELLE: Dirk came to my house two days ago and played the most beautiful song on his guitar, telling me how sorry he was, and how he would do anything to get back with me.
RYAN: I do not like where this is going.
MICHELLE: You know, deep down inside, he really is a good person.
RYAN: He really fucking isn’t, Michelle. He called you an “upslice bitch”.
MICHELLE: As a joke.
RYAN: He almost killed me.
MICHELLE: As a joke!
RYAN: How is that a joke?
MICHELLE: The point is, he didn’t kill you, and we wouldn’t have, he just feels passionate about me. He has that tough exterior to hide the fact that there’s velvet on the inside.
RYAN: Yeah, probably a velvet revolver.
MICHELLE: That’s a band.
RYAN: Listen, please don’t get back with him, that’d be sublime, and you’d have to give me three days grace to withstand such a bullet from my valentine.
MICHELLE: First of all, I’m not your valentine, second of all, stop incorporating band names into normal conversation.
RYAN: Don’t be such a gotye about this!
MICHELLE: I’m giving him a second chance.
RYAN: BREAKING BENJAMIN!
(Cut to a bunch of buses pulling up the “Hansbay Planetarium”. Then cut to inside the dark planetarium, where a professor is giving a talk on the stars while using a laser pointer. Ryan and Brennan are seated behind Michelle, Dirk, Jim, Grimes and two others)
PROFFESOR: Hello, I am Professor Walsh. As you can see, there are many constellations. First off, (Point his laser pointer to a constellation shaped like a sperm) Coitus, the spermatozoa, is located in the east sector of the sky. Then, (points to a constellation shaped like a vagina) Coochie, the clam. (Points to constellation shaped like the word fuck) Then this, constellation, which is just called fuck. Finally, (points to constellation shaped like a crab) there’s cancer, the crab.
DIRK: (Laughs) Hey.
DIRK: I’m a crab!
(Dirk uses his hand to snap at her nose, and she laughs as he retracts his hand)
PROFESSOR WALSH: Then there’s Taurus, the bull.
RYAN: I FUCKING HATE DIRK! (Everyone stops and turns around to look at Ryan) Sorry.
(Everybody turns back around. Cut to Ryan looking out over the balcony of the planetarium. Brennan walks over to him)
BRENNAN: I told you not to mess with those guys!
RYAN: No you didn’t.
BRENNAN: Well, I overheard them and they’re going to pound you hard for that snide remark.
RYAN: There was nothing snide about it, I just straight-up said that I fucking hate him.
BRENNAN: Well, they didn’t see the humor in it.
RYAN: What are you talking about? There wasn’t supposed to be any humor in it, I said that I fucking hate him!
BRENNAN: Well, they didn’t take it that way.
RYAN: They obviously did if they’re going to pound me for it.
BRENNAN: Speaking of.
(Pan to Dirk, Grimes, Jim and two others in front of a car)
(Dirk takes out an illegal switchblade and slits the tire of the car. Ryan and Brennan walk down to where they are)
DIRK: Hello, boys.
RYAN: You do know that’s not my car, right?
DIRK: I-(suspends his head) shit. (Lifts his head back up) Whoever’s car this is, you just got owned.
RYAN: How? Because you slit somebody else’s tire?
DIRK: Listen up, Ry-ry. Let’s have a good old fashioned knife fight.
(Dirk throws Ryan a closed switchblade, which he catches)
RYAN: Jesus, don’t throw knives.
DIRK: What are you, a dog?
(They all start making barking noises)
DIRK: I’m sorry, I meant a rooster.
RYAN: No, you meant a chicken.
DIRK: No, I meant a pussy.
(They all start making meow noises and then stop eventually)
RYAN: I see. Well Dirk, I’ve been in knife fights before. Let’s start. One, two, three, GO!
(Ryan cuts down his wrist)
DIRK: AHH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
RYAN: It’s a knife fight, dude, whoever can cut themselves the most wins!
DIRK: This not an emo knife fight for Christ’s sakes, this is a regular knife fight!
RYAN: Oh. So, we try to stab each other.
RYAN: That means good.
DIRK: The point is, you are correct.
RYAN: Well, I cut myself, so cutting others is probably just as easy, and I’m used to being cut, so let’s do it!
(Ryan and Dirk flip out their knives. They circle each other for a little while. Ryan takes a jab, but Dirk avoids, then Dirk takes a jab, but Ryan avoids. Ryan slices Dirk’s stomach, then Dirk slices Ryan’s arm. Dirk jabs a couple times and slices his leg, and Ryan slices his chest. Suddenly, Ryan swipes the knife out of Dirk’s hand and holds him down against a wall with the knife to his throat)
RYAN: I guess the shoe’s on the other foot now, huh?
DIRK: Yeah, except last time my shoe was on your throat.
RYAN: I wouldn’t talk too much because the throat does move slightly when you talk, and I don’t know if you noticed, but there’s a FUCKING knife right there.
(Ryan moves the knife away and lets go of Dirk)
DIRK: Alright, you win, asshole. But tonight, meet us at the white ledge. It’s an hour from here, down in Addison. We’re going to do a chicken run. Eight sharp.
RYAN: Sounds like a plan.
(The professor walks over to his car to see that the tires are slit)
PROFESSOR WALSH: What the fuck?
(Cut to Ryan walking upstairs. He walks upstairs to see Ethan wearing a yellow dress picking up breakfast he dropped all over the floor)
RYAN: What the fuck?
ETHAN: Oh, hi Ryan. How was school?
RYAN: Dad, why the fuck are you wearing a dress?
ETHAN: Oh, yeah, I dropped mom’s breakfast everywhere; I was going to bring it to her while she slept.
RYAN: No, I asked you why the fuck you’re wearing a goddamn dress?
ETHAN: I’m using it as an apron, all our aprons are dirty.
RYAN: Aprons are supposed to be dirty!
ETHAN: Not that dirty.
RYAN: So you figured you’d cross-dress instead? Also, why is it okay if you get food on mom’s dress?
ETHAN: Because we can wash it!
RYAN: You can wash the apron!
ETHAN: Listen, I just have to clean this up before she sees it.
RYAN: Let her see it.
ETHAN: What? No.
RYAN: Where are your balls? Let her see it.
ETHAN: I can’t.
RYAN: Are you wearing high heels?
ETHAN: All my shoes are in the wash.
RYAN: You wash your shoes?
RYAN: Dad…don’t….what are ya-….don’t….
(Ryan walks away in a huff as Ethan continues cleaning. Cut to Michelle’s dining room. Michelle walks in with her dad following. Her dad comes in, wearing a gray suit and has salt and pepper hair, and pats Michelle on the back. He then sits down at the dinner table. Michelle comes alongside him standing)
MICHELLE: Didn’t you forget something, daddy?
MICHELLE’S DAD: What, Michelle?
(Michelle kisses her dad on the cheek)
MICHELLE’S DAD: What the hell was that?
MICHELLE: I kissed you.
MICHELLE’S DAD: You know, it’s about time you get over that whole kissing thing. You’re getting a little too old for that.
MICHELLE’S DAD: Also, don’t call me “daddy” anymore. Call me dad. Actually, call me Frank. Shake my hand when you see me and make small talk. Let’s pretend like we’re co-workers, not family.
MICHELLE: What is wrong with you?
FRANK: You stopped kissing me a long time ago, anyway.
(Michelle’s mom comes in)
MICHELLE: I didn’t want to stop.
MICHELLE’S MOM: Didn’t want to stop what?
FRANK: Nothing, Erica.
MICHELLE: I was talking to daddy.
FRANK: I didn’t kiss her, I show her little love or affection and I constantly put her down, so it’s a big thing.
ERICA: Well, I was talking to Victoria from the country club, and she said they were thinking about adjusting their “whites only” policy to include Italians.
FRANK: Italians aren’t white in my book.
MICHELLE: I guess I just don’t understand anything.
FRANK: That’s probably accurate.
MICHELLE: Why can’t I kiss you?
FRANK: I’m tired. I’d like to change the subject.
FRANK: I’d just like to, that’s all. Girls your age don’t do that kind of thing. Do you need an explanation?
MICHELLE: Yes. That’s why I asked you “why”.
(A six-year old kid runs holding an iPhone and sits on Frank’s lap)
FRANK: Hey, Justin.
(Michelle walks closer)
MICHELLE: Girls don’t love their fathers? Since when? Since I got to be eighteen?
(Michelle kisses him again, and Frank slaps her)
FRANK: Stop that!
(Michelle backs away and puts her earphones in)
MICHELLE: (Loudly) MAY I BE EXCUSED?
(She runs out the door, and Frank puts Justin on the floor and gets up)
FRANK: Now, hold on, glamorpuss! I’m sorry! We’ll go on a business lunch together and discuss profits!
(Michelle comes back in)
MICHELLE: WE’RE NOT FUCKING CO-WORKERS!
(She leaves again, slamming the door behind her. Cut to Ryan in his bed. The room is dark, and Ethan enters, wearing normal clothing this time)
ETHAN: Ryan? (Flips the switch, turning the light on) Ryan? Are you awake, buddy?
(Ryan sits up)
ETHAN: Hey Ryan.
(Ethan sits down near the bed)
RYAN: Dad, can I ask you something?
ETHAN: Sure, Ryan. Shoot.
RYAN: What if you had to go somewhere, and do something that was very dangerous? But it was a matter of honor.
ETHAN: Well, what do you have to do? Are you doing the choking game?
RYAN: What? No?
ETHAN: Jesus, are you snorting cheese off a black hooker’s cadaver? YOU’RE KILLING ME, RYAN!
RYAN: Jesus, no, I’m not doing-why does it matter if the dead hooker’s black?
ETHAN: SO YOU ADMIT IT!
RYAN: No, you’ve just been watching too much local news, just listen to me.
(Ryan sits up more and reveals his chest scars)
ETHAN: …Ryan? Are you cutting your chest now?!
RYAN: No, this is from someone else.
ETHAN: Christ almighty, Ryan.
(Ethan goes into the next room to wet a towel as Ryan stands up and takes off his “Devil’s Niece” shirt)
RYAN: Answer me, dad.
ETHAN: Trust me, in ten years, you’ll be testifying to one of President Obama’s death panels and none of this will seem relevant. Ten years!
RYAN: I don’t want an answer in ten years, I want one now. I need one.
(Ethan comes over and starts dabbing Ryan’s wounds with the wet towel)
ETHAN: C’mon, Ryan. Since when do you get into trouble like this? You use to fag around with your friends and be harmless, but now you’re getting in knife fights, getting arrested, getting drunk and high?! How long are you going to go on like this?
RYAN: What do you do when you need to be a man?
ETHAN: You’re wearing skinny jeans, Ryan. Take those off and then talk to me.
RYAN: No, I want a direct answer! Are you going to keep me from going?
(Ethan stops dabbing his wounds and walks away. Ryan begins to put on a shirt)
ETHAN: Ryan, when have I ever kept you from doing anything?
RYAN: All the time. You kept me from seeing The Avengers because you thought Scarlett Johansson was a “hussy”, which is a phrase I don’t think’s been used since the 1950s.
ETHAN: Well, to be fair, I also didn’t want you to see it because of Chris Evans.
RYAN: I get it, I’m a faggot. Can I go?
ETHAN: I’m just trying to make you realize how foolish you are! When you’re an adult, you’ll wonder why you thought this was so important while you’re getting a gay marriage at the pot dispensary and bowing to eternal President Barack Obama.
(Ethan goes in the other room to look through some files. While he’s in there, Ryan grabs his coat and leaves. Cut to the white ledge. Dirk, Jim, Grimes, Ross, Beckett, Peter, Lilly, Logan, Barbara, Scott, Max, Lamar, Daniel, Connor, Alex, Lance, John, Courtney, Josh, Adam, Britney, Kirsten, Elisa, Kyle, Brennan and Michelle are all waiting there, many are there as spectators. Ryan pulls up in Jacob’s car)
DIRK: is that him?
BRENNAN: I think it is!
KIRSTEN: No, that’s Jacob.
(They shine the light on the car to see it is Ryan)
DIRK: It’s not Jacob.
(Ryan gets out)
KIRSTEN: Ryan, what are you doing in Jacob’s car?
RYAN: He has insurance, doesn’t he?
KIRSTEN: Does that matter?
RYAN: Kirsten, when it goes off the cliff, he’ll just get another one based on insurance, no harm no foul,
ROSS: No sense.
ROSS: Not a good thing.
RYAN: Shut up, Ross.
BRENNAN: Are you ready for this, Ryan?
RYAN: I am scared until the lack of shit.
BRENNAN: Okay. Well, you’re not going over the bluff, you’re jumping out before the bluff.
RYAN: I realize that, Brennan. I just don’t want to end up like Kennedy. He died doing this.
BRENNAN: I don’t think you’re right about that.
RYAN: Well, some President died this way.
BRENNAN: No, I don’t think so.
RYAN: Jimmy Carter or something.
BRENNAN: He’s definitely still alive.
SCOTT: Listen man, good luck. We all cannot wait to see Dirk thoroughly embarrassed.
RYAN: Thank you, Scott. I’ll see to it that that happens.
MICHELLE: Is anybody going to encourage him not to do this?
LOGAN: I don’t think so.
ADAM: Definitely not.
RYAN: Here’s a question, why aren’t Sarah and Michael here?
CONNOR: And why is there a nigger here?
ROSS: SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I’LL THROW YOU OVER THE GODDAMN BLUFF!
PETER: We knew Michael and Sarah would try to talk you out of this, so we told them there was a Devil’s Niece concert in a local storm drain.
RYAN: And they believed you?
LILLY: No, so we threw them into a local storm drain.
RYAN: Okay, but we’re picking them up right after this!
LAMAR: Yeah, hopefully it doesn’t storm.
MAX: Did you just say hopefully it “desert storm”?
LAMAR: No, I said-
MAX: What is this, Iraq?
(Dirk walks over)
DIRK: Hello, Ryan.
RYAN: Hello, Dirk.
DIRK: You’re Ryan Donahue, right?
DIRK: I’m Dirk Jameson.
RYAN: We’ve-we’ve met before.
DIRK: Yes. So you’re going to use Jacob’s sedan?
DIRK: Perfection. Come with me.
(They go off together)
MICHELLE: Man, I hope nothing bad happens.
BRENNAN: Why’d you get back with Dirk?
MICHELLE: I don’t know. I like his guitar playing.
(Logan walks over with a guitar)
LOGAN: Chicks go wet for that stuff, man. (Starts playing his guitar) Byyyyyy the waaaaters, the waaaters of Babylon. We laid down and wept, and wept, for the Zion. Thee remember, thee remember, thee remember, the Zion. Byyyyyy the waaaaters, the waaaaters of Babylon, we laid down and wept, and wept, for the Zion. Thee remember, thee remember, thee remember the Zion.
(Michelle is starry-eyed)
MICHELLE: I’m moist….
LOGAN: Close enough!
(Cut to Ryan and Dirk looking over the bluff. Dirk lights up a cigarette and takes a drag, and offers it to Ryan, who accepts)
(He takes a drag off of it, and coughs a bunch)
DIRK: (Chuckles) I’d think you’d be used to blowing.
RYAN: (Coughs) That’s hilarious.
DIRK: Yeah, I wrote it this morning.
RYAN: So. This is where it all ends, huh?
DIRK: Yep. It certainly is.
RYAN: Wouldn’t you like to throw Connor, Alex, Lance and John over this?
DIRK: (Laughs) Yes. I would. I like you. You know that?
RYAN: Then why are we doing this?
DIRK: You got to do something. Don’t you?
RYAN: Good logic.
(Dirk walks away. Ryan follows shortly thereafter and they both get in their cars. They back up several feet as Michelle runs towards them. She goes over to Dirk)
MICHELLE: Are you ready for this?
DIRK: Yes, Michelle. I’m ready. Just give me some dirt. (Michelle picks up dirt off the ground and gives it to Dirk. He rubs it on his hand) Fuck, Michelle, this is dirt from an ant hill; there’s ants all over me. Get me some ant killer. (Michelle picks a bottle of ant killer from the ground and hands it to Dirk. He sprays it all over himself) Okay, get me some coffee too, will ya? (Michelle picks a cup of coffee off the ground and hands it to Dirk. He takes a sip) This is some fertile soil.
RYAN: Are we gonna go, or what?
DIRK: Yeah, don’t get your dick in a twist, we’re going soon. Kiss me. (Michelle and Dirk kiss, and Michelle runs over to Ryan)
MICHELLE: Ryan, you’re such a great friend, and I wish you the best.
RYAN: Thanks, Michelle. I love you.
RYAN: Nothing. Wish me luck.
MICHELLE: I just did.
RYAN: You wished me the best, now I want you to wish me luck.
MICHELLE: Fine, I wish you luck.
RYAN: Thanks. Now go start the race.
(Michelle runs to several feet in front of and in between both cars)
DIRK: REMEMBER, WE’RE GOING TO DRIVE THESE TO THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF, AND WHOEVER JUMPS OUT FIRST, IS A PUSSY!
RYAN: YOU MEAN A CHICKEN?
DIRK: WHICHEVER COMES FIRST!
MICHELLE: Ready? Set? GO!
(Ryan and Dirk start driving. There are cuts back and forth between both of them. One cut has Dirk drinking the coffee. The next has Ryan straightening his hair using the vanity mirror. The next cut has Dirk texting. The next cut has Ryan juggling. The next cut has Dirk listening to “Basket case: by Green day)
DIRK: (Singing) Sometimes I give myself the creeps.
(The next cut has Ryan preparing to jump out, the next cut has Dirk preparing to jump out, but part of his jacket gets caught on the handle, so he desperately tries to finagle his jacket off before it’s too late. Cut to Ryan jumping out of the car and rolling. Then cut to Dirk’s car going over the cliff and into the land below, causing the crowd to rush to the side of the cliff, astonished. Ryan runs over, laughing)
RYAN: That was awesome! I was live blogging the entire thing, and tweeting my emotions. God, I hope my parents aren’t on foursquare. Anyway, where’s Dirk?
KYLE: Down there.
(Ryan’s countenance turns grave)
RYAN: Jesus Christ. He’s dead.
JOSH: What do we do?
COURTNEY: We get the hell out of here! That’s what we do!
ALEX: No one’s going to call the cops?
DANIEL: NO! No one can know we were involved!
LANCE: He’s right. Let’s blame it on Ross.
(Ross lunges at Lance, but Beckett and Peter restrain him)
ROSS: JUST SHUT UP, MAN!
JOHN: He’s right; just hold off for a second. What do we do?
BRITNEY: I’m so scared.
BARBARA: Me too.
JIM: I can’t believe boss is dead.
GRIMES: He was a good soul. Well, he…was a soul.
JIM: Let’s get out of here.
GRIMES: I second that motion.
(Everybody runs away except Ryan, Michelle and Brennan. Michelle looks over the bluff in a state of despair. Ryan extends his hand to her. She takes it, and the three of them steal a car and drive away. Cut to Ryan pulling the stolen car up to Michelle’s house)
MICHELLE: This is good.
(Michelle gets out, and Ryan also gets out and goes up to her)
RYAN: Are you going to be okay?
(Michelle walks away and Ryan goes back into the car. They drive away. Cut to Ryan pulling up to his house. Ryan and Brennan both get out and go up to his door)
BRENNAN: Listen, I know someone just died, but if you want, you could come over to my house and you could spend the night. Nobody’s really there, we could do X and watch anime, like we used to.
RYAN: …I’m different now, Brennan. This changes everything. I can’t go on like that.
BRENNAN: …What are you saying?
RYAN: I’m saying I’ll see you in the morning.
(They hug. Then, Ryan goes inside. The screen fades to black, but then the words “TO BE CONTINUED” appear on the screen)
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Script / Humor
Script / Humor
Script / Humor
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