The Donahues Episode 141

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Kimberly and Ethan experience a rift in their relationship, Sarah has to set rules about physical contact with Ryan and Renee suggests a job for Jacob while they study together

Submitted: January 05, 2014

A A A | A A A

Submitted: January 05, 2014






“Do boundaries stretch enough and true? So ends redefine and re-represent soul conscience geographies. The spirit-muse - enough in dreams, so wonderfully performed externally stretched anew to singular beginnings”
- Lee Mack

(We start with Ethan sitting on his couch in the morning, straightening his tie while watching Patrick White on the local news)

PATRICK WHITE: Two weeks ago, Major General Michael Carey was fired from his position at the Air Force, which entailed overseeing 450 nuclear-armed intercontinental ballistic missiles. Reportedly, the reason for his firing was conduct unbecoming of a guy with the ability to kill everyone. According to the report published by the Air Force, General Carey was openly intoxicated and drinking during a layover in Switzerland and bragged loudly to many about the importance of his position, saying that he saves the world from war every day. After tossing around the nuclear football with some of his buds, he flew to Moscow and picked up who he described as “two hot women” and who others described as “two Russian women” at Moscow’s Ritz-Carlton hotel, and they apparently kissed and danced at a restaurant, and General Carey kept trying to get the restaurant’s band to play with him, but this Russian band did not want him to play with them, nor did they think it was a good idea for him to sing the nuclear launch codes to the tune of Lynrd Skynrd’s “Free Bird”. After this misconduct report was filed, the Air Force removed him from his position and put him in the position of the Air Force’s Space Command, and said they hope he enjoys his new position and new office on Pluto. Speaking of Russia, we are now a month away from the Winter Olympics being held in Sochi, Russia and plenty of controversy is coming along with that, due to Russia’s discriminatory policies against the LGBT community and their inherent disregard for human rights. The Russians have hoped to quell any protests of their anti-gay policies by designing the official Olympic uniform in a rainbow pattern, thereby rendering redundant any other rainbow uniforms meant to protest the policy. Just to leave all their bases covered, they made the official Olympic Hockey Teams dress up as the Village People and left figure skating as an Olympic competition. In response, President Obama appointed an Olympic delegation that included various members of the LGBT community, which unfortunately caused the mother of every person in that delegation to frantically call their son or daughter and demand an explanation. On top of that, President Obama included not a single top administration official in the delegation. There have been two terrorist attacks in Russia in the last couple of months, resulting in over a dozen deaths. (He clears his throat) In other news, now that 2014 has begun, incandescent light bulbs have been banned throughout America and marijuana has been legalized in the state of Colorado.

(Cut to Ethan drinking coffee on the couch as Kimberly walks in wearing a running outfit)

ETHAN: So we can get HIGH but we can’t use incandescents?! What if I get caught with an ounce of filament wire bulbs, am I thrust into those for-profit prisons to replace all the black stoners who used to be there, HMM?!

KIMBERLY: Well, black people are arrested for marijuana-related offenses far more than white people despite the fact their rate of use of weed is virtually the same and one out of every three black men will spend time in prison.

ETHAN: Oh yeah, I’m sure policemen just see a group of three black people and tackle one of them and leave the other two to tell the tale and warn the others.

KIMBERLY: You are making so many assumptions with everything you hear.

ETHAN: It’s called being a conservative. And I’m sure this whole inequality thing will be fixed now that your taller, handsomer and quite frankly fuckable version of Karl Marx, Bill De Blasio, is the Mayor of the de facto Capitol of the World.

KIMBERLY: God, I love Bill De Blasio. You of all people should be glad that overbearing Jewish mother Mike Bloomberg is gone.

ETHAN: Yeah, but De Blasio wants to ban horse-drawn carriages! So that’s pretty nanny state, isn’t it? And now that the horses are out of work, where are they going to smoke? Certainly not the public parks in New York City, you can’t even smoke e-cigarettes there anymore! And another thing, liberals try to claim they care so much about black people, but then they mock my good friend Mitt Romney’s black grandson!

KIMBERLY: Yeah, that was ridiculous. I’ll give you that.

ETHAN: And another thing- (Ethan stands up and walks over to Kimberly) where are you rushing off to?

KIMBERLY: I’m going to run, and then I’m going to work. Just like every morning.

ETHAN: And after that?

KIMBERLY: After that, the running club is having their first meeting of the year and we’re planning the “Bold in the Cold” run for this February and then we’re going out for drinks.

ETHAN: Gosh, when are you going to be home?

KIMBERLY: Uh, it depends. I might need you to pick me up though, my friends don’t like to stick to the designated driving thing.

ETHAN: You want me to pick you up after you hang out with your friends?

KIMBERLY: It depends, like I said.

ETHAN: What about your car?

KIMBERLY: You can have one of the designated drivers drive your car home and we can take mine.

ETHAN: But you said that they may not stick to the designated driving thing!

KIMBERLY: We’ll play it by ear, the point is, Raquel finally turned running for President age, so we’re celebrating it by getting a little tipsy while her parents are in Michigan, it’s not a big deal! I’ll see you later, perhaps.

(Kimberly kisses Ethan and walks away. Ethan looks disappointed. Cut to Kimberly in her office on the computer. Luke Wilkinson walks in holding a tray of four coffees from Starbucks)

LUKE: Hey, I’ve got your caramel macchiato.

KIMBERLY: Awesome, bring it here.

(He carries it inside)

LUKE: Yeah, they had this pay it forward thing in the Starbucks drive-through, so the guy in front of me already paid for my drink.

KIMBERLY: Oh, that’s nice.

(Luke hands Kimberly her drink)

LUKE: Yeah, but apparently it got out of hand, because they ended up billing me 400 dollars’ worth of unpaid coffee drinks.

KIMBERLY: Jesus, how did that even happen?

LUKE: I don’t know, but needless to say, I don’t have that kind of money, anymore, that is.

KIMBERLY: I’ll call this Starbucks. Speaking of money, we need to talk, because this company is being bled dry, especially now that you’re on the payroll.

LUKE: I’ll gladly be enslaved, if that’s what you want.

(Kimberly laughs)

KIMBERLY: No, we just need some sort of cost-cutting measure, or series of them.

(Jamie walks in)

JAMIE: Do you have my pumpkin spice latte?

LUKE: There’s one.

KIMBERLY: There you go, Jamie, you’re fired.


KIMBERLY: Relax, Jamie, it was a joke.

JAMIE: Jesus, you scared me. I was about to say, is it because I divorced Rob?

KIMBERLY: I wouldn’t blame anyone for that.

JAMIE: Ugh, no kidding.

KIMBERLY: Easy does it, though, he is my half-brother.

JAMIE: I mean, he’s a nice guy, it’s just-

KIMBERLY: Okay, now you’re just sucking up. Drink her Pumpkin Spice.

LUKE: Yep.

(Luke starts drinking it)



(Jamie rolls her eyes and walks out as Luke puts the drink down)

LUKE: Listen, I’m super busy with clients for the rest of the day, but maybe we could discuss cost-cutting measures at, dinner or something.


LUKE: Sure, why not? Just a friendly business dinner, say, on Saturday night.

KIMBERLY: …Ehhh, I don’t know. Couldn’t we just solve it in a conference room?

LUKE: I have meetings with a couple major potential clients today, and if we want to have a cost-cutting announcement by Monday, we should hash it out over the weekend. I know many hookah bars in the area if you’re interested-

(Kimberly chuckles)

KIMBERLY: A restaurant is fine.

LUKE: Perfect. Say, six o’clock? Don’t want to make it too late for your husband.

KIMBERLY: Five is good.

LUKE: But six is better.

KIMBERLY: Easy does it.

LUKE: See you then. (Luke walks out of her office) Jamie! I have your Pumpkin Spice! T’was a jest!

(Kimberly smiles and types something into her computer. Cut to Brennan, Eric, Ryan and Sarah sitting in Eric’s room)

BRENNAN: I would cheers for the last couple days of Christmas break, but, Ryan just got out of rehab and can’t drink, I’m straight-edge and God doesn’t exist anyway, so fuck it.

ERIC: But I am really psyched to have you back, Ryan.

RYAN: It is dope to be back. Where’s Michael, by the way?

BRENNAN: Uh…he couldn’t make it.

ERIC: By that Brennan means he wasn’t invited.

SARAH: I heard about certain things, Brennan.

BRENNAN: Just, chill.

ERIC: Our adorable little philanderer has had his ass thoroughly whipped by Michael Bingaman when it comes to shaking the play out of Delaney Cortez.

BRENNAN: Okay, I am officially on blast, and, I am not having any of it.

RYAN: Dude, you deserve to be on blast! From what Eric told me, you cheated on your girlfriend in front of everybody at your New Year’s party!

BRENNAN: Coin is insane, okay?

SARAH: Then break up with her?

BRENNAN: Did I mention she’s insane? Insane people don’t get broken up with, they become widowed.

ERIC: Oh, don’t be dramatic, nuqqa.

BRENNAN: You’re the nuqqa!

ERIC: YOU’RE the nuqqa!

BRENNAN: Ryan, you have no place to talk by the way, you cheated on me!

RYAN: Yeah, so that means you ESPECIALLY shouldn’t do it to other people! And now you OFFICIALLY cannot put me on blast for having done it to you seven and a half months ago!

BRENNAN: Enough! More than enough actually! Let’s move away from how much of a pimp I am and focus on Ryan’s recovery.

SARAH: That is not what we were focusing on, by the way.

RYAN: Well, I am clean. And I intend to stay that way. Brennan and I, we’re straight-edge together.

BRENNAN: My nuqqa!

(Ryan and Brennan hug each other and as they ungrasp each other, Eric stands up)

ERIC: Also, Ryan and I are Mormons together!

RYAN: My latter-day nuqqa!

(Eric and Ryan hug and then they both sit down)

ERIC: We both totally had boners during that hug.

RYAN: Hugs arouse me. I have chosen hugs, as opposed to drugs.

SARAH: Those elementary school bracelets were right.

RYAN: Speaking of things that arouse me, Sarah, what do you think we should do as our last hurrah for the Winter Break?

SARAH: I appreciate that you referred to me as a “thing” by the way-

RYAN: You are absolutely welcome.

SARAH: Anyway, we could play the board game my step-dad got me for Christmas, it’s called (She holds up a board game entitled “NIRVANOPOLY”, which depicts Kurt Cobain wearing a top hat and a monocle, carrying a guitar while running down the streets of Seattle with money flying at him, and it says “Smells Like Property Trading and Destruction by Success Game”) Nirvanopoly.

RYAN: How?

SARAH: I don’t know, but the pieces are a shotgun, a left-handed guitar, a syringe, a heart-shaped box, actual laxatives, Pat Smear, a pack of cigarettes and a thimble, for some reason.

ERIC: How about we hold off on that?

RYAN: I agree, there are way too many adaptions of Monopoly. Let’s do something interesting, something clean, but something we’ve never done before.

BRENNAN: Hmm…OOH! We could go to the Hansbay zoo!

RYAN: Hansbay has a zoo? How long have I been gone?

ERIC: Yeah, it was just put in. We should check it out.

SARAH: Alright, cool. Sounds good.

RYAN: Who’s paying for admission?

BRENNAN: Well, it could be your rich dad, or my rich dad or Eric’s rich dad, so this is real tough.

RYAN: You work at Hot Topic right Brennan?

BRENNAN: Your rich dad it is!

(Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Eric and Sarah getting out of Brennan’s car at the Hansbay zoo)

RYAN: This is exciting. They don’t serve booze at this zoo, do they?

SARAH: No, but they have great tranquilizers if you’re interested.

ERIC: She jokes, but those are top-notch.

RYAN: Let’s go!

(Ryan, Sarah, Eric and Brennan start walking towards the zoo and Ryan slaps Sarah’s ass, which causes Sarah to look at Ryan)

SARAH: Not okay!

(Ryan giggles and runs after Sarah, trying to slap her on the ass while she also giggles)

BRENNAN: What the hell?

ERIC: Are they back together already?

BRENNAN: They clearly don’t know how to act in front of others.

ERIC: Ass.

BRENNAN: What?! (Eric walks away) Nuqqa, come back!

(Cut to Ryan, Sarah, Eric and Brennan standing in front of a zoo exhibit, the camera is pointed at them so you can’t see the exhibit, but they seem unimpressed. A zookeeper walks over)

ZOOKEEPER: Do you like?

RYAN: That jaguar looks unwell.

ZOOKEEPER: He’s old and arthritic, but he still has some fight in him.

BRENNAN: Oh, is that why you’re letting the kids pet him?

(Cut to young children petting a senile, arthritic, immobile jaguar)

YOUNG CHILD: He’s soft!

(Cut back)

ZOOKEEPER: Okay, maybe he doesn’t have as much fight in him, but at least the young ones can get a feel.

RYAN: Speaking of which… (Ryan slides his hand down Sarah’s back and squeezes her ass)

SARAH: Ryan! Not in front of the jaguar!

ERIC: Or the kids!

ZOOKEEPER: That jaguar has not gotten erect in some ten years, and look at it now. He’s wooden.

BRENNAN: No such thing as arthritis of the dick.

(Cut to Jacob and Renee sitting across from one another at a table in his apartment with books and study materials)

JACOB: Okay, so when was the Library of Alexandria burned down?

RENEE: Okay, we are not studying the same subject.

JACOB: Ugh, just help me out, though!

RENEE: Fine, but then we’re going back to science!

JACOB: Thank you, when was it burned down?

RENEE: I think it was around 50 BC or something.

JACOB: Yeah, I remember it being set by Julius Caesar. It’s a shame we lost all the books and all that knowledge.

RENEE: Well, actually, I remember him saying that a lot of the works in the library of Alexandria were also located in other places.

JACOB: Yeah, but still, (Jacob takes out a pack of cigarettes and packs it) think of all the summer jobs that library could’ve provided.

RENEE: I thought you were trying to quit.

(Jacob takes one out)

JACOB: It’s very difficult. (Jacob puts the cigarette in his mouth and lights it) This shit, (Jacob takes a drag and puts the lighter away) is more addictive than heroin, you know, don’t judge me!

RENEE: I’m a Christian, judging you is in the job resume.

JACOB: You mean job description?

RENEE: No, I was judging people before I was a Christian.

(Jacob takes a drag)

JACOB: Speaking of which, it’s going to be hard to study science with you when you-

RENEE: Believe the Earth is 6,000 years old and that dinos are a trick.

JACOB: Yeah! That’s difficult to work with! How are dinos a trick?

RENEE: They are the greatest ruse ever pulled, okay?

(Jacob takes a drag)

JACOB: This is why study buddying never works, people always get distracted.

RENEE: Well, I’m super excited, because I’m going to be starting a new job pretty soon.

JACOB: Oh really? Awesome, where at?

RENEE: Schmageggi’s in Hansbay.

JACOB: Oh, my family goes there all the time. Do they have any openings? I sort of need a job, cigarettes are fuckin’ expensive. Especially in Vermont, I’m paying nearly ten bucks.

RENEE: I’ll check with my super awesome boss. We’re looking for bus boys.

JACOB: Why is your boss “super awesome”?

RENEE: He gave me the job, first of all, obvi, secondly, he said he’ll tattoo me.

JACOB: Where?

RENEE: His house.

JACOB: I meant where on your body, but wow, don’t let him tattoo you in his house.

RENEE: He’s also tattooing his house on me.

JACOB: Oh no.

RENEE: By the way, we should totally go to Schmageggi’s some time.

(Jacob takes a drag)

JACOB: We could go right now, we’re clearly not focusing on studying at all.

RENEE: Alright, who’s paying for that though?

JACOB: I have this magical money card that my mom gave me, but my signature’s on the back, so it’s like it’s my money.

RENEE: Yeah, you need a job.

(Jacob laughs. Cut to Kimberly at Schmageggi’s, sitting at a table. She’s tapping her fingers on the table, and takes her phone out. She types “I love you” in a text to Ethan, but then, reconsiders it, doesn’t send it and puts the phone away. Luke walks in wearing a heavy jacket and Kimberly stands up)


LUKE: Hey, sorry I’m late, the weather is just awful.

(Luke sits down, as does Kimberly, Luke takes off his jacket and puts it on the chair)

KIMBERLY: Yeah, the Weather Channel says if you’re under forty, you’ve never seen this kind of weather before.

LUKE: Well, then this is entirely new to you.

(Kimberly giggles and sips on her drink)

KIMBERLY: That’s right…

LUKE: Because you forgot, because you’re old and senile.

(Kimberly laughs even more)

KIMBERLY: Damn it, build me up and tear me down.

LUKE: Well, I’m forty-one, so I can do that.

(A waitress comes over)

WAITRESS: Hello, I’m your waiter tonight, or waiter-esa? Waiter-ess?

KIMBERLY: It’s waitress, shouldn’t you know that?

WAITRESS: Waiterious B.I.G? Anyway, my name’s Emma, can I get you guys anything to drink?

LUKE: I’ll have a margarita. Kim, you want one?

KIMBERLY: Uh, sure.

EMMA: Two margaritas, perfect, you ready to order, or?

LUKE: Not quite, thanks.

EMMA: Great, I’ll get those margaritas out for you two. You guys are very cute together, by the way.

KIMBERLY: Oh, (Kimberly laughs) no, we’re not a couple. Just business partners.

LUKE: Yeah.

EMMA: Oh, well, you guys should consider dating, at least.

(Kimberly and Luke chuckle)

KIMBERLY: I’m married.

EMMA: Have you considered an extramarital affair?

KIMBERLY: Could you get our margaritas?

EMMA: Of course.

(Emma walks away)

LUKE: Jesus, she takes things a little far.

KIMBERLY: Yeah. So, cost-cutting measures.

(Cut to Jacob and Renee walking into Schmageggi’s, they walk up to the woman at the front desk)

JACOB: Two for dinner.

FRONT DESK WOMAN: Wonderful, right this way.

(Jacob and Renee follow the woman as she takes them to their table, and Jacob sees Kimberly with Luke on the other side of the restaurant)

JACOB: What the hell?

RENEE: Don’t take hell’s name in vain, also what?

(Jacob and Renee sit down)

FRONT DESK WOMAN: Yes, what is the matter? I can take down any decoration you want, we are a very user-friendly restaurant.

JACOB: No, it’s, nothing. Does this establishment allow smoking?

FRONT DESK WOMAN: Smoking is banned indoors, virtually everywhere in Vermont.

JACOB: Finally, a straight-forward answer.

FRONT DESK WOMAN: What do we want for drinks tonight?

RENEE: I’ll have a Doctor Pepper.

JACOB: Same.

FRONT DESK WOMAN: Perfect, I’ll be around with those.

(She walks away)

RENEE: What has you taking biblical places in vain?

JACOB: My mom is having dinner on the other side of the restaurant with some man who I’ve never seen before.

RENEE: Oh, really? Which one’s your mom?

JACOB: Far left corner, brown hair, green top.

(Renee looks in that direction and sees her)

RENEE: Huh. So that’s your mom. That’s crazy cool, we should go say hi.

JACOB: Uh, but she’s with some dude!

RENEE: Does your mom cheat?

JACOB: No, but, like, I don’t know! It might be awkward!

RENEE: If she doesn’t cheat, it’s fine, just, come!


(Jacob and Renee get up and walk over to Kimberly and Luke, Kimberly tenses up a bit when she sees Jacob approaching)

KIMBERLY: Oh my God.

LUKE: Whoa, is that your son?

(Jacob and Renee arrive)

JACOB: Hey, mom, what are you doing here?

KIMBERLY: Jacob! (Kimberly stands up) What brings you here?

JACOB: I’m just having dinner with Renee, who’s this?

LUKE: I’m Luke, I’ve met you a few times before, I think you were fifteen the last time I saw you.

JACOB: Oh, that’s right, Luke, nice to see you again.

(Jacob shakes hands with Luke)

LUKE: Nice to see you again, Ryan.

JACOB: Oh, I’m Jacob.

(Jacob and Luke unclasp hands)

LUKE: Oh, I’m sorry.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, Ryan is the one who just got out of rehab, Jacob is the one who just got out of prison.

JACOB: I’m glad that’s how you categorize us.

KIMBERLY: It’s like a memory trick.

JACOB: How was nineteen years of raising me not a memory trick?

LUKE: How do you categorize Madeline, by the way?

KIMBERLY: I just call her Madeline. Anyway, who’s this here?

RENEE: I’m Renee.

JACOB: Yes, this is Renee, a friend of mine from community college.


KIMBERLY: Hi Renee, you’ve lost weight!

RENEE: You’ve never met me before.

KIMBERLY: But I can tell, just some motherly sensibilities, I guess, anyway, Luke and I work together at my business, you know the family business?

RENEE: The mafia?

JACOB: No, she runs a racquetball business.

LUKE: So I guess she does run the rackets.

(After a few seconds, Luke clears his throat)

KIMBERLY: Anyway, we were just having a business dinner to discuss cost-cutting measures. A bunch of boring stuff. So, enjoy your dinner, you two.

LUKE: Kimmy, don’t rush them off so quickly. Sit, eat with us.

JACOB: Oh. Are you sure?

LUKE: Certainly, no problem.

KIMBERLY: Oh okay. Yeah, sit down.

(Jacob and Renee sit down as the waitress comes over)

EMMA: Jesus, now I’m all confused, who are these new people?!

KIMBERLY: Relax, this is my son and his friend, they’re eating with us.

EMMA: This totally flips the entire dinner on its head. I don’t like this one bit, do they want drinks?

RENEE: We actually have drinks at another table, could you bring them over?

EMMA: This is simply too much change.

(Cut to Ryan, Brennan and Eric walking through the zoo)

RYAN: Damn, that monkey seemed too tired to even jerk off in front of me, this zoo is sub-par, at best.

BRENNAN: What did you expect? It’s a zoo in a town of 25,000 people. One of the zookeepers was tossing Cheerios at the white tiger.

RYAN: Where’s Sarah?

ERIC: I don’t know, she rushed off.

RYAN: Oh, well, I’m going to use the restroom real quick.

(Ryan walks into the men’s rest room and goes into a stall to see Sarah standing there)

SARAH: Ryan.

RYAN: AHH!!! What the hell are you doing in here?!


(Sarah closes the door behind him)

RYAN: What?!

SARAH: Ryan, I need to talk to you.

RYAN: So you hid in the men’s bathroom?

SARAH: Hey, this is where men go, huh? And would you rather I emasculate you by telling you in front of everybody that I need to talk to you so you can get whipped?

RYAN: I wouldn’t mind being whipped. As long as you pretend to be Rarity.

SARAH: Enough with your brony shit, okay?

RYAN: Hey, Rarity needs her hat!

SARAH: Ryan, that’s the thing, we’re not boyfriend and girlfriend anymore! So you can’t slap me on the ass, or touch my ass, or generally do anything with my ass, and certainly you can’t have kinky, brony role play sex with me. Or talk about that like we do it.

RYAN: Sarah, I’m clean now! Why wouldn’t we get back together? I’ve turned my life around for you!

SARAH: For me? Ryan, this whole life change is for you! It’s your life, and it’s been improved by sobriety, but that doesn’t just mean we get back together, our relationship had fundamental problems!

RYAN: But you can’t spell fundamental without fun!

SARAH: You also can’t spell it without mental, which is what you were during our relationship!

RYAN: Sarah, I was insane because of the drugs, that was our fundamental problem!

SARAH: There were others. You have personality flaws to contend with.

(Ryan puts his hands on his face)

RYAN: …Jesus, Sarah! (Ryan takes his hands off his face) I did what you WANTED me to do! Why isn’t that enough?!

SARAH: Christ, I hate the idea that this whole recovery thing was just for me.

RYAN: What? You think I respect myself enough to get clean just for my own sake?

SARAH: Yeah, how fuckin’ foolish of me.

RYAN: Sarah, you CANNOT be another drug I have to kick.

SARAH: Sorry, but yeah, that’s the case. I’m another drug you have to kick, because even in sobriety you’re a self-loathing, clingy, weak little person and I can’t fucking deal with that at this point in my life.

RYAN: Oh, fuck off! (Pan to the next stall, where a middle-aged man is sitting on the toilet, looking very uncomfortable) I did not go through all this rehab bullshit to be insulted!

SARAH: Don’t you want honesty!? Why don’t you take this opportunity to improve even more, huh?!

(Pan to the next stall, where the arthritic jaguar is sitting on the toilet looking uncomfortable)

RYAN: Change, change, change! That’s all I ever hear from you, just change something about yourself! Well you know what Sarah, I am who I fucking am, what you get is what you got and it’s so fuckin’ simple to overlook everything good about me to nitpick my flaws! (The jaguar lets out a feeble roar) Oh God, the animals and the people don’t share a bathroom, do they?

(Cut to outside the stalls, the zookeeper is standing there)

ZOOKEEPER: The animal bathroom is on the fritz, your girlfriend shouldn’t be in here by the way.

RYAN: Your JAGUAR shouldn’t be in here, by the way!

(Cut to Brennan and Eric, who are at a stand, tossing rings at something off camera. Sarah walks up to them)

SARAH: Hey, what are you guys doing?

ERIC: Playing “throw the ring around the flamingo”. (Pan to reveal a bunch of flamingos walking around inside this exhibit with rings around their necks. Eric throws a ring and it misses) And I’m winning.

BRENNAN: He’s cheating! The flamingos are clearly on his side.

SARAH: This is a strange zoo.

ERIC: Where’s Ryan?

SARAH: Uh, he left.

BRENNAN: Wha-? What do you mean he left? He didn’t take my car did he?

SARAH: No, he had his dad pick him up. He’s belly-aching because I won’t get back together with him even though he’s clean.

ERIC: Holy shit, don’t get back together with him!

SARAH: I’m not, don’t worry.

BRENNAN: What? You can get back together with him, he’s straight-edge Mormon harmless brony now, what’s so wrong with that?

SARAH: I guess you and I have disparate views on what is and isn’t acceptable in a relationship.

(An alarm goes off)

BRENNAN: YES!! (A machine starts dispensing a shitload of tickets) Would you really put the guy who just won a thousand tickets on blast like that?

SARAH: Yes, actually, I’m putting you on blast for this.

BRENNAN: I’m going to block your blast with a HUGE backscratcher from the gift shop!

SARAH: What backscratcher costs a thousand tickets?! (Cut to Brennan, Sarah and Eric walking back to the car. Brennan is using a several foot-long backscratcher to scratch the back of his foot and he’s holding it behind his head) How is that easier?

BRENNAN: It’s not, it’s totally uncomfortable.

ERIC: I wonder what Ryan is up to, besides moping.

BRENNAN: Yeah, I don’t mope over girls, generally. Speaking of which, I have to pick up Coin from her psychiatrist’s office, so let’s hurry this up, huh?

SARAH: How does she not know yet?

BRENNAN: She’s immune to gossip. And it’ll take a while to convince all eight of her personalities that it’s the truth.

SARAH: Eight?! I thought it was four!

BRENNAN: It seems like her personalities are asexual or something.

(Cut to Kimberly, Luke, Jacob and Renee having dinner)

RENEE: So I sense a bit of British in your accent.

LUKE: I would say it’s more than a bit, (chuckles) I lived there for twenty-five years. I was born there. I met my first wife there.

JACOB: How many wives have you had?

LUKE: Just the one. But she wasn’t the one.

KIMBERLY: They have a great meeting story, by the way, tell it.

LUKE: Oh yes, it was the winter of discontent when we met.

KIMBERLY: Wasn’t that the winter of 1979, when you were, seven?

LUKE: You’re right, sorry, I’m referring to the winter of incontinence, the winter of 1993, when I was freshly twenty-one and getting bloody drunk with my mates.

RENEE: You were a pirate?

LUKE: Yes, and we collected copious booty. Now, the winter of incontinence had nothing to do with urinary incontinence which my grand pap had, no, it was all about sexual incontinence, our lack of ability to control ourselves.

JACOB: Is your grand pap alive?

LUKE: No, he died in 1997, we buried him in his favorite diaper.

JACOB: How thoughtful.

KIMBERLY: Stop distracting him from the story, Jacob, just tell them how you met her.

LUKE: Oh right, of course. Now, this was 1993, so there were still phone booths everywhere. I woke up in one on a particularly crazy night, and some girl called the phone in there. I picked it up, and she said she had the wrong number, but we ended up talking the night away.

RENEE: Ah, that’s really sweet.

LUKE: Eventually, I invited her to the pub and we pub-hopped the whole night, and just a year later, we got married in that phone booth.

JACOB: Really?

LUKE: No, but…that makes for a better story.

RENEE: So when did the marriage end?

LUKE: She was bonkers.

RENEE: I didn’t ask why, I asked when.

LUKE: Oh. 2005. I moved here in ’97 for a job and that’s how I met your wonderful mother.

KIMBERLY: Well, it’s a great meeting story. So Jacob, how is school?

JACOB: It’s fine, it’s good.

KIMBERLY: Still having issues with Professor Hughes?

JACOB: Yeah, a little bit. She’s a tough grader.

(Luke takes a sip of his drink)

LUKE: You know what you should do? You should sleep with her!

(Jacob and Kimberly laugh)

JACOB: She’s sixty-four, so…

LUKE: Is she rich?

(They laugh. Cut to Kimberly sitting on her bed, tapping her fingers on her leg. Her phone rests on her bedside table. She picks it up)

KIMBERLY: (Whispering) Just tell Jacob it’s not a big deal, but I don’t want to inflame Ethan’s jealousy and-fuck, that’ll just make it worse.

(Kimberly puts her phone down as Ethan comes in wearing only a towel)

ETHAN: Who are you talking to?

KIMBERLY: A God I don’t believe in.

ETHAN: Well, He hears you. And He updates me on his Twitter account all the time.

KIMBERLY: Speaking of which, follow @AltmireRacquetball on Twitter.

ETHAN: I don’t actually have a Twitter, anyway, what’s wrong?

KIMBERLY: Nothing.

ETHAN: My dad always said that when a woman says “nothing is wrong”, she means it.

KIMBERLY: He’s a wise man.

ETHAN: It’s why my mom went to a shrink for a few years there.


ETHAN: Speaking of shrink, I just went swimming, so don’t judge me.

KIMBERLY: You went swimming in 21 degree temperatures?

ETHAN: I took a bath, do you want to see my dick?

KIMBERLY: I’m not in the mood tonight, Ethan.

(Kimberly lies in her bed)

ETHAN: Fine, I’ll just, bundle up then.

(Ethan walks into his bathroom and closes the door and looks into his mirror and rubs his eyes while resting his elbows on the bathroom counter. Cut to Jacob playing video games in his apartment with a headset on)

JACOB: Come on Clarence, I’ve had enough of the leukemia excuse, does blood cancer mean you can’t not give away your position? Yeah, yeah, I’ll go to the fundraiser, just, go, go, go-AH! (Jacob throws down his controller) Damnit! Ugh, Clarence! What’s your clearance, Clarence? What? Oh, he hung up. (Jacob takes off his headset) That’s so Clarence. (Jacob takes out a pack of cigarettes and puts one in his mouth and lights it, inhales and exhales) Uhh…I should call dad.

(Jacob takes out his cell phone and dials his dad’s number. Cut to Ethan in his living room, watching TV news)

PATRICK WHITE: The Department of Health and Human Services has released a report revealing that the number of Obamacare enrollees has ticked up into the millions recently, despite a number of advertisements by Koch brother-supported groups warning young people to not utilize the Affordable Care Act to gain coverage. Ads like this one.

(Cut to an ad showing a young male patient sitting on a table in a doctor’s office while a male doctor is holding a clip board and listening to him)

PATIENT: So, I’ve been noticing this, this fluttering in my heart, it’s sort of concerning.

DOCTOR: Hmm, that’s interesting. Well, let me get the Doctor.

PATIENT: You’re not the doctor?

DOCTOR: Not anymore. The Doctor will be right in.

(The man leaves. Cut back to Patrick White)

PATRICK WHITE: At this point in the ad, the patient waits for eleven straight minutes, we’ll go ahead and cut to the part when the “doctor” comes in.

(Cut to the patient reading the bible in the doctor’s office when a man in an evil-looking Uncle Sam costume comes in and the patient drops the bible)


UNCLE SAM: He can’t save you now! (Uncle Sam puts a glove on) Bend over.

PATIENT: I have a heart palpitation!

UNCLE SAM: Obamacare says check-ups are covered, so let’s check up your ass! (Uncle Sam holds up a hammer and sickle) With this hammer and sickle!

(The patient gasps as they cut to a black screen reading “PAID FOR BY AMERICANS AGAINST YOU”)

OVERVOICE: Paid for Americans Against Government Intrusion into our Healthcare.

(Cut back to Patrick White)

PATRICK WHITE: The online version of that ad features the full, uncut eighteen-minute molestation of that patient by Uncle Sam. It’s very disturbing and quite frankly, unnecessary.

(Cut to Ethan watching)

ETHAN: Fuckin’ Liberal bias. (Ethan gets a phone call and answers it) Hello?

JACOB: (On the phone) Hey dad.

ETHAN: Oh, hey Jacob, what’s up?

JACOB: Nothing, I just wanted to tell you that I have an interview with Schmageggi’s on Monday. They want me to be a bus boy.

ETHAN: Oh, terrific. Nice son. What about your criminal record? Will that be an issue?

JACOB: There’s actually a program for hiring ex-cons to get them on the straight and arrow. They’ll hire any ex-con as long as they weren’t convicted of a sex offense.

ETHAN: Since when are sex offenses worse than murder?

JACOB: Back in prison, a bunch of the murder convicts had an agreement to revenge kill anybody convicted of child molestation. Fuckers acted like they had a moral high ground.

ETHAN: I will never understand this society.

JACOB: Anyway, I went there to that restaurant the other night, and it’s quite nice, I can get paid okay, too. Hey, I actually saw mom there.

ETHAN: …My mom?

JACOB: No, my mom. Your wife.

ETHAN: What was she doing there? With who?

JACOB: Uh, some business partner of hers. Luke Wilkinson his name was.

ETHAN: Luke Wilkinson…uh, wow, that’s completely normal, bye Jacob.

(Ethan hangs up. Cut to Jacob staring at his phone)

JACOB: Oh shit.

(Cut back to Ethan putting the phone down on the coffee table)

ETHAN: Son of a bitch…

(Cut to Ryan wearing a headset while playing League of Legends in his dark room. He looks disheveled)

RYAN: Dude, you’re borderline feeding the other team! Jesus Christ, do you even know how to play this game? Shit, you’re even playing as an OP character!

BRENNAN: (On the other line) Nuqqa, shut the fuck up, I’m trying.

RYAN: You’re not fucking trying hard enough then! We’re getting ass raped here!

BRENNAN: Dude, why are you being such a dick?!


(Cut to Brennan on his computer at his playing League of Legends on a headset)

BRENNAN: Give me a fucking break. (Brennan takes off his head set and logs out of LoL) Ugh, that kid needs play.

(Pan over to Eric on Brennan’s bed on his laptop)

ERIC: Yeah, he does. He obviously can’t survive alone. But Sarah’s sure as shit not getting back together with him.

BRENNAN: And she shouldn’t, but then who should?

ERIC: Who should get back together with him? Michelle.

BRENNAN: Michelle?! She lives in Massachusetts!

ERIC: A long-distance relationship seems to be working for your friend Michael.

BRENNAN: I’m going to wreck you, Eric.

ERIC: He needs someone who needs him. Know any desperate chicks?

BRENNAN: …Well…besides Coin, not really.

ERIC: Let’s think bigger then. The girls that are off-limits are my Cynthia, your Coin, Michael’s Delaney, Delaware’s Michelle and Doug Fieger’s Sharona. Any other single chick below twenty and above eleven is fair game.

BRENNAN: Ugh, I hate your age range, buddy.

ERIC: Is twenty too old?


ERIC: Let’s just do some Facebook research, okay?


(They each turn to their computers. Cut to Ryan sitting in his bed, writing on a notepad)

RYAN: I’d jump into the sun for you, I’d find somewhere to run for you, I’d bury myself deep, deep, deep within. I’d grow, ever faster, withstanding woe and clever bastards, trying to uproot the soil out of my soul, so let’s begin. I’d jump into the sun from you, I’d find somewhere to run from you, I’d bury myself deep, deep, deep within.

(Cut to Jacob wearing a suit and sitting in front of a restaurateur, who is looking at his resume)

RESTAURATEUR: Okay, from November 2012 to August of last year you worked at Toys R Us.

JACOB: Yes, and I learned discipline, people skills, conflict resolution, patience and work ethic during my time there.

RESTAURATEUR: We did a background check on you, it says you were imprisoned at the Marble Valley correctional facility from August to October of last year.

JACOB: Yes, and I learned discipline, people skills, conflict resolution, patience and work ethic during my time there.

RESTAURATEUR: What was your offense?

JACOB: Uh, unlawful impersonation of a police officer.

RESTAURATEUR: Ooh, do your best police officer impression.

JACOB: Uh, (he chuckles) okay. (Deep voice) Hey! I want donuts!

(The restaurateur laughs)

RESTAURATEUR: Oh, that’s classic…well, you learned how to clean dishes in prison, right?

JACOB: Correct.

RESTAURATEUR: Alright, you’re hired!

JACOB: Thank you!

(They shake hands. Cut to Kimberly walking into the house and going into the dining room to see Ethan sitting at the table with a bunch of fresh food on it with candles all around)

KIMBERLY: Oh wow, you made dinner.

ETHAN: Yes. And now it’s all bad.

KIMBERLY: No, it looks good. It looks fresh.

ETHAN: Well, I actually didn’t expect you to get home this early.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, I was just on a sales call, what’s with the big dinner?

ETHAN: Oh, no reason. Just wanted to do something nice for my unimpeachably forthcoming wife.

KIMBERLY: What are you talking about?

ETHAN: I don’t know, maybe the fact that you had dinner with Luke Wilkinson without telling me!

KIMBERLY: Oh. Yeah, he works at my company.

(Ethan stands up)

ETHAN: Oh really? Then why the hell didn’t you tell me?!

KIMBERLY: I don’t know, I must’ve forgot, I don’t tell you the minutia of every corporate decision I make!

ETHAN: MINUTIA?! He used to work at Plenica with you! And he’s divorced! And he’s FUCKING British!

KIMBERLY: Do you not trust me?!

ETHAN: You didn’t seem to want me to know, you made me pick between two nameless resumes so what? You could blame this all on me once I picked the Brit hottie?

KIMBERLY: Yeah, ‘cause I thought that would work. Listen, Luke was more qualified than the other applicant, but I still thought I’d get a second opinion!

ETHAN: Oh, was the other applicant Detective Zimmerman?! Because that’d make me feel MUCH better about this whole situation!

KIMBERLY: Jesus Christ, Ethan, your jealousy is absolutely fucking ridiculous! Zimmerman is in PRISON and is firmly in my past!

ETHAN: You know what? He’s getting out of prison in two weeks!

KIMBERLY: OH! Well I guess I should gussy up then! I want to prepare for him to kiss me at the ticker tape “getting out of prison” parade!

ETHAN: I’m not saying your going to do anything, I’m just saying-okay, I don’t know what point I was trying to make there, listen, I just don’t like that you kept it from me! If you told me you hired Wilkinson, I really would not have cared, but you kept it from me, so tell me, why?!

KIMBERLY: I’m sorry for not telling you, but your jealousy is easy to inflame, so, there you go! It’s over! I am not doing anything with Luke and-

ETHAN: Call him Mister Wilkinson!

KIMBERLY: Absolutely not, you know, I have reason to distrust you as well, you emotionally cheated on me by watching Sarandon and some whores fuck in the Cayman Islands back in 2012, remember?

ETHAN: Oh my God, must we rehash the past like this?


ETHAN: Ugh…(Ethan sits down, as does Kimberly) Christ…so what’s the solution?

KIMBERLY: What do you mean?

ETHAN: You’re going to fire him right?

KIMBERLY: FIRE HIM?! He’s a perfectly good employee, I’m not going to get rid of him to assuage your jealousy! How many ways can I say I will NOT do anything with him?!

ETHAN: A pink slip would be a wonderful and festive way to do that.

KIMBERLY: You ass!

ETHAN: What?

KIMBERLY: You’re an ASS!

(Kimberly runs out of the room and jumps on their bed and screams into her pillow. Cut to Ethan at the table)


(Cut to Eric and Brennan in Brennan’s room late at night. They each have laptops on their laps)

BRENNAN: Alright, I’ll go first. The potential female partners for Ryan are as follows, (Brennan clears his throat) Stephanie Kraft-

ERIC: Too fat.

BRENNAN: I thought you’d say that, so how about this? Stephanie Kraft minus twenty pounds.

ERIC: Hypotheticals don’t count as suggestions!

BRENNAN: Fine, fine, next, Britney Roberts-

ERIC: She has a kid, dude! And she’s twenty!

BRENNAN: Oh yes, I supposed you’d rather she be twelve.

ERIC: Felt enough of the blast, okay? Just keep going. You’re not getting off to a great start, though.

BRENNAN: Laura Gatan, Jordan DeFazio and Mabel Wool.

ERIC: Laura Gatan is hot as fuck, granted.


ERIC: But she’s pretty much a king pin when it comes to drug dealers around here.

BRENNAN: Wow, didn’t know that.

ERIC: You straight-edgiest straight edgers are so adorably out of the loop. As for Jordan, that’s dumb, Jordan used to date Jacob and Mabel Wool is far too ditzy. I was taking a picture of her cleavage once, and she thought I was just texting near her boobs! Like, how dumb do you have to be-

BRENNAN: I’m sure you meant that story to reflect poorly on her. Listen, just, say your suggestions and stop shooting mine down.

ERIC: Alright, here we go. (Eric clears his throat) Miranda Bingaman.

(Eric bits his lip as Brennan looks at him)

BRENNAN: Excuse you?

ERIC: Miranda Bingaman! Think about it! She’s turning sixteen next month, she’s constantly being grounded, she’s the most desperate chick I know and the hardest shit she does is marijuana.

BRENNAN: Ignoring your penchant for jailbait-

ERIC: Thank you.

BRENNAN: I do not want to promote a relationship like that, it would make it seem like I’m trying to get back at Michael for stealing Delaney.

ERIC: Right, and you don’t want that.

BRENNAN: Nuqqa, I don’t want to make myself look worse than I already do! And Michael would KILL anyone who had sex with Miranda!

ERIC: Wow, then he must have a long hit list.

BRENNAN: Okay, if he found out about anybody fucking his sister, he would kill them.

ERIC: We’re not talking about Ryan and Miranda fucking, just, dating. I’m sure Michael would understand.

BRENNAN: I’m sure he wouldn’t.

ERIC: Can you really stop love, though?

(Brenna puts his head in his hands as “Schism” by Tool begins playing. We cut to Sarah walking down the frozen over streets of her neighborhood. She sees an attractive kid her age shoveling snow in a driveway down the street. He smiles and waves at her, and she waves back. Cut to Ryan sitting at his desk in his room, frantically writing lyrics on his computer. He becomes tired and swivels around in his chair and takes the My Little Pony dolls Rarity and Applejack and makes them start making out with one another. Cut to Ethan walking into Kimberly’s and his room and sitting down on the bed while Kimberly cries on it. He starts talking, but Kimberly points him towards the direction of the door. Cut to Ethan lying on the couch in the living room later that night. He opens a drawer on the coffee table and looks at a commemorative “Plenica Publishing Holiday Party 1998” photo of 31-year old Kimberly, 26-year old Luke Wilkinson and 29-year old Doyle. Kimberly is holding a Starbucks coffee while nodding as Luke pours some Goldschlager into it and Doyle is slapping himself. Ethan runs his thumb across Kimberly’s face on the picture. Cut to Jacob cleaning up a table at Schmageggi’s. He puts the dishes in a cart and wheels them to the kitchen, where he sees Renee massaging one of the dishwashers. Renee turns her head to see Jacob and smiles. Jacob smiles and nods as he walks away. Cut to Sarah on Google. She looks up “is there a tinder app for windows phone”. Cut to Ryan singing into his bathroom mirror. Cut to Ethan at work. He brings up a Word Document on his computer and begins it by typing “January 6, 2014. My Dearest Kimberly, it has come to my attention that-“ but he stops typing and lies back in his chair. Cut to Jacob smoking a cigarette on his balcony at night time. He looks up towards the moon, but then he just goes inside, sits down and starts playing video games. Cut to Renee, who is in her apartment, flipping through her sketch book, past a bunch of drawings of crosses and of Jesus Christ, to a page depicting her and Jacob having sex. She smiles as she looks at it, and begins to cross-hatch Jacob’s dick. Cut to Miranda Bingaman in the shower, singing, as the camera pulls out of her shower, out of her house and into the night sky, as the song ends, cut to Ethan at his computer in his office, lying back in his chair)

ETHAN: Wasn’t personal enough.

(Cut to black)


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