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Michael goes on a date with Delaney, Ryan attests to the efficacy of Pennyroyalin, but the discovery of his suicide note complicates matters for his family and the manufacturers of the drug and Jacob discovers a secret in his college's library

~~THE DONAHUES

“ROLLING SUICIDE”

TV-MA DL

“When I was on a secret mission, I was visited by an apparition, it came up out of the morning mist and took the form of a trombonist. The poltergeist kicked off its shoes and flew straight into an eight bar blues. Now something that I must expound, although I savor the horn's sweet sound with the covert style of my expedition, I could do without this hot rendition”
- Neil McGreevy

(We start with Detective George Zimmerman wearing a purple jump suit in his prison cell. He is trying to carve a roman numeral into the wall with rock, but is having trouble. He keeps rubbing, but the rock breaks in two and falls to the ground)

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Damnit!

(Pan over to his cell mate, some skinhead reading People magazine)

SKINHEAD: Ain’t as easy as they make it seem like it is in them movin’ picture shows.

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Yeah, plus I probably should’ve started keeping track of my days in prison, like, a year ago, rather than having to catch up like this.

SKINHEAD: Yeah. Thanks for shooting that kid, by the way.

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Oh my God, that wasn’t me you racist prick! How many times do I have to tell you that?

(A Prison guard walks by his cell and drags his baton across the bars, until the baton breaks)

PRISON GUARD: Damnit!

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: That’s a poorly made baton.

(The Prison Guard picks up the pieces)

PRISON GUARD: And you’re a poorly made inmate, Zimmerman! And you’re getting out of here in, what? Five days?

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: That’s correct.

SKINHEAD: And what are you going to do with the rest of your life? They’ll never re-hire you back on the force.

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Perhaps not.

PRISON GUARD: They’ll never hire you anywhere because of your criminal record, and because you share the first name, last name and exact birthday of one of the most hated people in America.

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: You may be write. But I have one thing up my sleeve. I always do.

SKINHEAD: So do I. In fact, one time I punched a guy so hard that I broke his arm. But I had a horse shoe in my glove.

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: And you’re bragging about it? What a bitch move.

SKINHEAD: You try hiding a horse shoe in your glove, man!

(Cut to a janitor walking through the part of Weybridge cave where Ryan almost killed himself. He is sweeping along)

JANITOR: Why do they make me sweep a cave? And why are there always so many Starbucks cups? And what is this shit? (The janitor picks up Ryan’s suicide note) “January 1, 2014- I have made this decision because my recent actions have proven to me that I can never change. I will not let you bear the burden of my existence any further”. Is this a rhyming couplet? Because they did a bad job.

(Cut to Michael sitting in front of his computer. He has a Skype call set up with Delaney. He is playing Skyrim)

MICHAEL: Hey, Delaney, where would I find Esbern?

DELANEY: You should ask around.

(Michael takes a drag off his e-cig)

MICHAEL: I keep trying to talk to people, but all they say is “we’re a small village, but we work hard”.

DELANEY: Well you shouldn’t have questioned their work ethic!

(Michael laughs)

MICHAEL: I didn’t! They’re just being dildos.

(A knock is heard at Michael’s door)

WANDA: (Outside the door) Michael?

MICHAEL: Hold on, Delaney. What, mom?

WANDA: Let me in.

(Michael sighs and puts his e-cigarette in his pocket)

MICHAEL: It’s unlocked, just come in.

(Wanda walks in)

WANDA: Do you really say things like that in front of her?

MICHAEL: Say what?

WANDA: That word you just said!

MICHAEL: You mean-oh! Mom, you’re eavesdropping!

WANDA: Well you’re being rude!

MICHAEL: She doesn’t care if I say that-Delaney, do you care if I say dildo in front of you?

DELANEY: No ma’am.

MICHAEL: That was directed towards you, mom.

WANDA: Well, regardless, you shouldn’t be keeping her up like this. It’s rude.

MICHAEL: Mom, it’s ten on a Friday night and believe it or not, she wants to talk with me.

WANDA: It’s improper. No sex before marriage, no Skype after ten. It’s how I was raised in the cult.

MICHAEL: Yeah, because they totally had Skype then.

WANDA: We saw our reflections in the golden plates, son. That’s all we needed.

MICHAEL: Delaney, do you care if I talk with you past ten?

DELANEY: Not at all ma’am.

MICHAEL: That was also directed at-

WANDA: Deep down, she agrees with me.

(Wanda walks away and closes the door)

MICHAEL: Oh my God…

DELANEY: Your mom has very weird ideas of social norms.

MICHAEL: She thinks everyone is her age and that courtship should involve less dildos.

(Delaney laughs. Cut to Ryan sitting before an FDA panel, which is setting up. Ryan is wearing a suit and is sitting next to Doctor Proskovec and several industry people. There are microphones at the desk)

RYAN: I’m a little nervous. (The microphone picks that up) Oh, sorry.

(Ryan puts the mic down)

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Just relax. You’re clean, you’ve got nothing to hide, you just want to promote this amazing new withdrawal drug. You want it to be approved by the FDA. That’s the only reason you’re here, you’re our golden boy. Plus, nobody’s watching this, this is C-SPAN3. I asked my mom if she was going to watch this, she said she doesn’t watch C-SPAN3 and said nothing else.

RYAN: Well, my family is watching! I mean, what am I supposed to say-

FDA DIRECTOR HAMBURG: Mr. Donahue?

(He grabs the microphone)

RYAN: Yes, Madame President?

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: That’s Madame Director.

RYAN: Of course, sorry.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: Mr. Donahue, the intent of this hearing is to inform myself and the board of the Food and Drug administration that Pennyroyalin is ready to be approved by this esteemed body for the use of aiding patients going through withdrawal. Let’s get some formalities out of the way, first off, is Pennyroyalin a food or a drug?

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: …Madame Director, it’s a drug.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: There you go, not too hard so far, right?

(She writes that down)

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Madame Director, I feel like we’ve got the basics down.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: Fine, I’ll fill this approval questionnaire out later. (She puts the questionnaire to the side. A camera shot of the questionnaire reveals it says “Is it a food or a drug?” and “Does it taste good?” and that’s it) Doctor, what are the chemical properties of this medication?

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: It’s a piperazine derivative like Vanoxerine, in that it has an effect similar to ecstasy except it simultaneously suppresses your dopamine emitters. It only gives you a mild high, and it serves to keep the patient from experiencing withdrawal because he is technically getting a drug similar to the drug he’s addicted to and needs to function properly. In the end, it will taper the patient off of the drug he was addicted to.

BOARD MEMBER: Enough science stuff! Let’s hear the anecdote.

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: I yield the floor to Mr. Donahue.

RYAN: Well-

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: You were addicted to methylenedioxy methlyamphetamine, correct?

RYAN: The hell is that?

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Yes, he was.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: Okay, when did you begin using?

RYAN: Uh…about two and a half years ago, Director. But my problem became progressively graver in 2012 and 2013. So much so that my family encouraged me to check into a residential rehab facility in November of last year.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: I see, and that is where you meet Doctor Proskovec?

RYAN: I actually knew Doctor Proskovec prior to entering rehabilitation, I went to group therapy in the Hansbay area and he had worked there previously.

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Is all of this background information really necessary? Tell them about your journey, Ryan.

RYAN: Well-

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: When is the last time you used MDMA?

RYAN: Uh…roughly a month ago.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: So while you were still enrolled at the Clara Martin substance abuse center?

RYAN: Maybe it was a month and a half.

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Full disclosure, he was caught using drugs on the premises, but that made him a perfect candidate for the experimental drug trial.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: And all the fame and exposure that goes along with it?

RYAN: We’re on C-SPAN3.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: Well I’m glad you incentivize drug use on campus.

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: We do not do that! Ryan, tell them about your recovery.

RYAN: Uh, they gave me Pennyroyalin in a controlled environment, and my withdrawal symptoms decreased pretty significantly.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: So significantly in fact, that you left the facility on New Year’s Eve.

RYAN: Yes.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: Where, pray tell, did you go then?

RYAN: Back home. To Hansbay. After achieving sobriety and finding God. It’s almost like Pennyroyalin has like, the spirit molecule in it.

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: By spirit molecule he is NOT referring to DMT, just to be clear.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: Mr. Donahue, earlier this morning I was handed this piece of paper- (He takes out a piece of paper) that was found in the Weybridge Cave- (Ryan tenses up) in Vermont, which is roughly an hour and a half from the Clara Martin Center, do you know anything about it?

RYAN: …Some piece of paper? Was it, like, well written?

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: It was okay. But listen, Mr. Donahue, it appears to be a suicide note.

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Suicide note? From who?

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: We have reason to believe it is a suicide note written by Mr. Donahue and if any press was in here this would be the moment they would gasp.

RYAN: Uh…

(Pan over to Ethan, Kimberly, Madeline and Jacob sitting in the room)

ETHAN: Oh no.

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: And what reason would you have for believing this?

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: It repeatedly refers to someone named “Jacob” which is the name of Mr. Donahue’s brother-

JACOB: He said my name!

KIMBERLY: Wow, shut up.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: It repeatedly refers to Madeline, his sister and several Facebook friends of Mr. Donahue’s, there’s witness stories corroborating the fact that Mr. Donahue made an appearance at the Weybridge caves shortly before New Year’s Day arrived AND of course, there’s this. (He brings up security camera footage with the time stamp “12/31/2013” which depicts Ryan walking up to the Weybridge cave, looking around, then darting in. He stops the tape) So, yeah.

RYAN: In my defense, there was an open sign on there-

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: But it wasn’t lit up.

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Why would there be a neon open sign on a cave?! And Ryan, is this true? Did you try to kill yourself in that cave on the way back to Hansbay?

RYAN: …Um…I considered it. (Kimberly is shown wiping away a tear as Ethan puts his arm around her) But I didn’t! I pulled through! That is the true gift of this drug withdrawal miracle cream!

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: It’s not a cream, but he is right.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: But you were still suicidal, in a cave, and the employee we interviewed said he’s the only reason you didn’t go through with it.

RYAN: Well-

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Madame Director, may we recess?

BOARD MEMBER 2: FINALLY! I was gettin’ bored. (The board member puts his feet up on the desk and takes out a cigarette) Anybody have a light?

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: Quiet, you. But I concur with the Doctor. Break time.

(Director Hamburg slams the gavel down. Cut to a man and his teenage son at dinner at Schmageggi’s. They are looking at menus)

FATHER: (Sarcastically) Wow, what options. All Italian food.

TEENAGE SON: Well, it is an Italian restaurant.

FATHER: Your mother’s Italian you know, don’t forget that.

TEENAGE SON: What are you trying to say?

(Jacob comes over in his waiter uniform)

JACOB: Welcome to Schmageggi’s. Is this all on one bill?

FATHER: No, it’s separate. Just like my marriage.

TEENAGE SON: Dad…wait, you’re not paying for me?

FATHER: You have a job! And so does this kid, he looks sixteen just like you!

JACOB: Um, I’m turning twenty in four months, but that’s fine, what can I get for you for drinks?

TEENAGE SON: I’ll have a Coke.

FATHER: Puss-AY! What do you have on draft?

JACOB: We have Shiner, Newcastle, Sierra Nevada Pale Ale and Guinness.

FATHER: I’ll have the Pale Ale, just like my marriage.

TEENAGE SON: Oh no…that makes no sense.

JACOB: Okay, I’ll have that right out, sir.

FATHER: You’re not laughing at any of my jokes about my marriage.

(Jacob nervously chuckles)

JACOB: They are…wry.

FATHER: Things are going to go AWRY for your tip later, bud. I will roll a dice to decide the tip percentage and I hope it lands on the big dot.

JACOB: Cool, I will be back. (Jacob walks away, rolling his eyes. He walks outside to see several waiters and bus boys smoking. Jacob takes out a pack and puts a cigarette in his mouth) Does anybody have a light?

BUS BOY: Homes, you got promoted to a waiter in a snap just because the boss man liked your impression of a cop, you can get your own light.

JACOB: Honestly, I sometimes wish he hadn’t. Customers can be assholes. Kid, come over here.

(A thirteen year old walks over)

THIRTEEN YEAR OLD: What?

JACOB: Take the Ed Hardy lighter out of your pocket and light me up, will you?

THIRTEEN YEAR OLD: How’d you know about that?

JACOB: I used to be thirteen too, kid.

THIRTEEN YEAR OLD: Okay.

(He takes out his Ed Hardy lighter and Jacob leans down to get his cigarette light up by the kid. Once it’s lit, he stands up and exhales the smoke and the kid puts the lighter away)

JACOB: Thanks, now get out of here, the smoke’s bad for you.

THIRTEEN YEAR OLD: Only if you buy me cigs some time!

JACOB: Or you can stay, I don’t really give a fuck.

THIRTEEN YEAR OLD: You’re a meanie.

(The kid runs off)

BUS BOY: Who the fuck is Ed Hardy and why is he such a gaudy asshole?

JACOB: I don’t know, the point is, customers are fucking awful. I have this guy telling me he’s going to tip me based on random chance. What is even the point?

WAITER: I have a guy who comes EVERY FUCKING YEAR telling me it’s his birthday so he can get free drinks, it’s like, you’re here like, every June, dude, do you expect us to fall for that again this year? And of course, we do.

JACOB: Maybe that’s his actual birthday, Aaron.

AARON: He doesn’t look like a Gemini.

(Cut to a female professor teaching a Chemistry class at a CCV classroom. The board says her name is “Professor McLendon”)

PROFESSOR MCLENDON: You see, the difference between ionic and covalent bonds is simple review. High school shit. Which is why we will be focusing on it for the remainder of the semester. (Jacob rushes in wearing his waiter’s uniform) Mr. Donahue, would you mind getting an ice bucket of champagne so we can celebrate you being ONLY fifteen minutes late?

(The class laughs as he sits down at a desk and takes out a laptop)

JACOB: Sorry, Professor McLendon, work was hectic.

PROFESSOR MCLENDON: I’m just kidding, I don’t really give a damn if you’re here or not, in fact, I’m going to take a break and my teacher’s assistant will commence the endless review.

(Professor McLendon sits down at her desk as a 22-year old nerdy dude walks up to the front of the class)

22-YEAR OLD NERD: Why hello, um, the difference between ionic and covalent bonds is that an ionic bond is purely a platonic work relationship and a covalent bond is romantic and clearly what both people actually want.

PROFESSOR MCLENDON: Wow, enough of that. (She stands up and walks over to him) Let me take the reins, Greg.

GREG: Take my virginity.

(Cut to Jacob getting out of his car with a lit cigarette in his mouth and a backpack. He walks up to the school’s library and puts it out in an ash tray outside the building. He walks inside to see people studying and a cardboard cut-out of a librarian with her finger over her mouth going “shhh”. The actual librarian depicted in said cardboard cut-out then peaks from behind that cut-out with her finger over her mouth)

LIBRARIAN: SHHH!

JACOB: (Whispering) Okay! Jeez! (Jacob shrugs his shoulders and walks over to the book shelf areas. Cut to him reading a book at a table) This is a nice, quiet opportunity to study chemistry. (Pan down to reveal Jacob is reading a book called “Bruce Lee: The Hong Kong Hung King who had the Shortest Chest in China”) Oh, wait. I am totally off track. But at least I’m not reading this anymore. (He holds up a book with a picture of Steve Jobs on it called “Steve Jobs: The Greatest Slave-owner that Ever Lived and Died”) I could’ve played him better than Ashton Kutcher. UGH! Why can’t I focus?! (Pan to the librarian from earlier standing there, looking stoic. Her cardboard cut-out peaks out from behind her) Sorry!

(Cut to Michael driving in his Toyota while listening to “Gateways” by Dimmu Borgir)

MICHAEL: (Singing) Be the broken or the BREAKER! Be the giver or the undertaker! OH FUCK! (Michael turns down the music) I have to pay that ticket today, don’t I? Ugh…Delaney’s going to be thrilled about that. Maybe I’ll get lucky and she’s into that kind of thing. What the hell am I talking about? (Michael pulls into a parking lot and gets out of the car. He sees Delaney in a car with her mom. Michael waves, and Delaney smiles and gets out of the car. Michael walks over) Hello, Ms. Cortez.

MS. CORTEZ: Look at you! You seem like an awfully handsome young man.

MICHAEL: Thanks.

MS. CORTEZ: I mean, that Brennan Sanford boy looked a bit better, but-

DELANEY: Mom!

MS. CORTEZ: Alright, alright, I’ll get out of your hair. Have fun, sweetie!

MICHAEL: Thank you, Ms. Cortez.

(She smiles and drives away)

DELANEY: God, sorry about that.

MICHAEL: How does she know about Brennan?

DELANEY: She saw his Facebook profile picture over my shoulder or something.

MICHAEL: And she saw the shrine in your bedroom?

(Delaney smiles and punches Michael in the arm)

DELANEY: Shut up!

(Michael laughs and grabs his arm)

MICHAEL: Oh! You showed me.

DELANEY: You’re lucky I’m still in town. I would be back in West Virginia by now, but there’s a water contamination and they’re telling people not to drink the tap or take baths.

MICHAEL: West Virginians took baths before? And had running water?

DELANEY: Oh my God, where are we going to dinner?

(Michael laughs)

MICHAEL: Uh, I was thinking Schmageggi’s, but where you want.

DELANEY: Wherever you want man, I ain’t know anything about this area.

MICHAEL: Schmageggi’s it is!

(Cut to Michael and Delaney at dinner at Schmageggi’s. Jacob, in his waiter outfit, walks up to the table)

JACOB: Despite specifically requesting not to be assigned this table, here I am to serve your every need.

MICHAEL: Bro, I haven’t seen you in forever! How’s shit?

DELANEY: You two know each other?

MICHAEL: Yeah, this is Ryan’s brother, Ryan is a good friend of mine who was in rehab when we met.

DELANEY: Is he also Brennan’s friend?

MICHAEL: Uh, yeah. Why?

DELANEY: Just wondering.

JACOB: Anyway, I’ve been…abused by life, how about you?

MICHAEL: I’ve been great too, this is my date Delaney Cortez.

JACOB: Oh yeah, the one that Brennan tried to cheat on his girlfriend with, Ryan told me all about it.

DELANEY: Yeah, I don’t really need that epithet, thanks.

JACOB: Sorry. Anyway, what can I get you two, drink-wise?

MICHAEL: Do you have Mountain Dew?

JACOB: Yes. And for her?

DELANEY: Delaney, is my name. I’ll have a Mountain Dew as well.

JACOB: That’s adorable. I’ll be right back with that. (Jacob walks away and goes outside to where bus boys and waiters are smoking. He takes out a cigarette) Anybody got a light?

BUS BOY: Nigga, you keep forgettin’ to tell the kitchen workers the orders!

(Cut back to Michael and Delaney)

MICHAEL: So, I hate to do this, but, after this dinner, we sort of have to stop by a court in Burlington so I can pay a ticket. This is like, my last day to be able to do it.

DELANEY: Oh, that’s fine. Trust me, if I had a car, and got a ticket, then I would always put that shit off until the last possible minute.

MICHAEL: God, I know, I always do that! There’s no sense in doing it at any other time in my mind!

(Delaney laughs)

DELANEY: Yeah, it’s crazy. This place is pretty fancy, actually.

MICHAEL: Yeah, I saw a Porsche 911 outside. But it was the wrong color.

DELANEY: What color?

MICHAEL: Yellow with a light yellow stripe.

DELANEY: No!

MICHAEL: Right?! If you’re going to have a sports car with a six-cylinder engine, make it matte black!

DELANEY: There’s virtually no other option, unless you want to go with a dark blue.

MICHAEL: That can be cool, but if you want to make sure the trick or treaters really don’t see you coming, you have to go with matte black.

(Delaney laughs)

DELANEY: Oh my God, you know what I hate? Those fuckin’ ricers who put spoilers on their shitty Ford Escorts or whatever-

MICHAEL: Ugh, I know, it’s like, kill yourself.

DELANEY: Yeah, that just screams dumbass.

MICHAEL: I have a Corolla, I’m not going to pretend it’s anything but that, a utilitarian vehicle that gets the job done.

DELANEY: How fast were you going to get your speeding ticket?

MICHAEL: Going forty over in four school zones at once.

DELANEY: How?

MICHAEL: It was like a four corners situation, wrong place, wrong time, wrong light post, so anyway-

DELANEY: So anyway, you still go super-fast in your practical Corolla, but that isn’t showing off like a ricer?

MICHAEL: Well, not really, because I can drive like a normal, well-adjusted person, I just choose not to.

DELANEY: And ricers choose not to resist modding the fuck out of their vehicle for no good reason, so-

(Michael chuckles)

MICHAEL: Why are you doing this?

DELANEY: I’m just being contrarian.

MICHAEL: Oh, that’s so fun.

DELANEY: No it fucking isn’t.

(Cut to Ryan and Doctor Proskovec in the back room at the hearing)

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Oh my God, Ryan, you should have told me you almost KILLED yourself!

RYAN: Why?! You think I wanted something that embarrassing to just be, revealed to the public?!

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: If you put yourself out there, you can’t just hide SHIT because then people will find that SHIT and ask why you’re being dishonest! Imagine what would happen if some, some visionary director put himself out there and was up for awards, but at one point he molested a small girl, do you think ANYONE would ever give him an award or watch one of his movies ever again?!
RYAN: Jesus, you’re describing Woody Allen, who got a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Golden Globes last night!

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Well, the focus is on his work and contributions to cinema, it’s not like he’s up for a Kid’s Choice Award.

RYAN: Wow. Totally contradicts your point too.

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Listen, just, you should’ve told me.

RYAN: Fine. But there’s nothing we can do about that now. What do we say to the committee?

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: …Well…you’re still clean, right?

RYAN: Yeah. I’ll just say, it was a dark moment, but in the last two weeks, I’ve regained my sense of self, my will to live and a portion of my identity.

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: No, no, NO! You need to say you’ve gained ALL of your identity!

RYAN: Come on, there are people on that board who have no idea who they are still.

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: It doesn’t matter! Just fake it until the FDA approves this wonder potion!

RYAN: We need to make this sound less mystical, that’ll lend less credence to the product.

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: You called it a “miracle cream” earlier.

RYAN: Let’s go out there.

(Doctor Proskovec and Ryan walk back into the room and sit behind the desks facing the board)

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: We’re ready for round two. Ryan.

RYAN: Yes, I am…truly sorry for concealing this information, but it is true that I was suicidal about two weeks ago. I was in a very dark place, physically and emotionally, and in a heated moment, I considered slitting- (He shows his wrists to the committee) these wrists and dying. In fact, if I pull down my shirt sleeve here, you can see, (He pulls down his sleeve to see healing scars, which makes the board gasp) scars from cutting remain.

BOARD MEMBER: He’s just trying to get attention.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: He is on television.

RYAN: Uh, anyway, (He pulls up his sleeve) I have a new lease on life now and my landlord is, the Lord.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: Does Pennyroyalin convert people to Christianity, Doctor Proskovec?

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: …Are you asking if this is a mind control drug, Madame Director?

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: Yes.

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: My answer is no, respectfully. However, it is very effective in helping patients handle withdrawal, which is the intended goal, right? You don’t need Jesus to recover from drug addiction, that’s just what Ryan chose to do an in fact, can we just agree as an FDA board that God does not exist and we go nowhere when we die?

RYAN: Easy does it.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: Yeah, we’re the FDA, we don’t approve or disprove the existence of deities. That’s Internal Revenue.

RYAN: Let’s focus! God exists and I am clean! I’m happy, even. That’s all that matters.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: Well, that’s not ALL that matters.

(Director Hamburg takes out the vile of Emma Ryan left in the cave)

RYAN: Oh no.

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Jesus, was SHE your dealer? Do you owe her money?

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: No, Doctor. While you were in that room conspiring, Weybridge cave employees turned this vile of drugs into us, claiming it is the synthetic drug methylephedrone also known as Emma. It’d be kind of a crazy coincidence if this was found in the same area of the cave where you tried to commit suicide but wasn’t yours.

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: …Ryan?

RYAN: Um…how would they know it’s Emma?

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: Mr. Donahue, I want a straight answer. Is this yours?

(Ryan bites his upper lip. He casts his eyes down as Doctor Proskovec looks at him. He then looks to the board)

RYAN: Yes, Madame Director.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: Okay, well, I think that just about does it for me. Not only were you suicidal, but you were STILL doing drugs as 2014 began?

RYAN: No! I wasn’t! I, Christ, I bought that drug from a kid while on furlough from Doctor Proskovec’s esteemed facility, the Clara Martin Center for Substance Abuse Rehabilitation.

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Thanks for the shout-out.

RYAN: And, I held onto it. I didn’t take it, I just, part of me wanted to have the option of going back to drugs open, but I sort of kept it to remind me not to do them, if that makes sense.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: It doesn’t.

RYAN: Okay, that’s because it’s bullshit.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: I thought Mormons weren’t supposed to curse.

RYAN: I thought Christians weren’t supposed to JUDGE-(He clears his throat) sorry. Listen, I never took the drug. I was going to kill myself because I couldn’t get rid of it, and I thought about taking it. So I wanted to off myself rather than relapse. And then I did neither.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: And why should we believe you? You’ve withheld all the information we’ve presented to you during this hearing.

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: You know, I have all sorts of charts demonstrating Pennyroyalin’s effectiveness, I meant Ryan’s anecdote to be a small part of it, because it’s inspirational and he’s cute. So.

RYAN: Drug test me right now! I am CLEAN as a whistle.

(A board member pours his coffee into a trash can)

BOARD MEMBER: You can use this.

RYAN: The coffee cup or the trash can?

BOARD MEMBER 2: Hold on, let me pour out my cup of poppy seeds and you can use that. (He pours out his cup of poppy seeds) Here.

RYAN: I’ll take the coffee cup.

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Let’s just ignore the fact that urine tests take one to two days to process!

BOARD MEMBER 3: Sleepover!!!

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: No, I think we’ll just adjourn. There is a sleepover at my house tonight, though.

(Director Hamburg slams the gavel. Cut to Jacob walking through the library holding a couple books)

JACOB: (Whispering) It’s good that I cleaned out my car of all these overdue books.

(He walks up to the return books slot. He sticks the books in there and they slide down the thing and then Jacob hears them hit something)

SOME GUY: (Faint, off-screen) OW!

JACOB: What the hell?

(Jacob gets on his knees and looks into the book slot. He then puts his ear to it. He hears the following exchange)

MAN 2: (Faint, off-screen) Dude, shut up, they’re going to find us out if you make too much noise!

MAN: (Faint, off-screen) Sorry, it hurt!

MAN 2: (Faint, off-screen) You pussy, it was The Great Gatsby!

(Jacob gets up and walks around to the other side of the wall and knocks on it)

MAN: (Faint, off-screen) Shit, who could that be?

JACOB: I’m just a student, I’m a little bit curious as to what you’re doing in there, but I was in prison, so I’m no snitch, HAEEH!

MAN: You have to know the password to get in, dongus!

JACOB: Uh…is it a literary reference?

MAN: LOL no.

JACOB: Okay, um…Fight Club.

MAN: Dope! (The man unlocks a door, which looked like it was just part of a wall, to reveal he’s a twenty-year old college student) Come in!

JACOB: You know “Fight Club” is a book, too.

COLLEGE STUDENT: Really? Huh.

JACOB: Also, Fight Club is not the best password in the world.

COLLEGE STUDENT: Do you still want to come in?

JACOB: Oh, totally.

(Jacob walks in and the college student shuts the door. Jacob sees Jason, the kid who beat him in a fight in TDEP126 and he also sees the kid who he kicked in the dick to defend Renee’s honor in that same episode. There are also several other male college students in the room and a pile of books right next to the slot they flew out of)

JASON: Whoa.

JACOB: Oh. Hi Jason.

JASON: This kid? You kiddin’ me, Mitch?

MITCH: Why? What’s this kid’s deal?

GUY WHO JACOB KICKED IN THE DICK: This motherfucker kicked me in the penis!

JACOB: And I covered it up, Brett! Alright? I covered it up well!

BRETT: How did you do that again?

JACOB: There was definitely some document-burning, sworn oaths, physical intimidations and causing horrific traffic jams on several major roads involved. But I had my buddy Chris from Jersey take care of that.

MITCH: Why did you kick Brett in the dick?

JACOB: He was being a creep to my friend Renee. Basically sexually harassing her.

MITCH: That sounds like him.

BRETT: Whoa, that is not fair.

JASON: No, dude, you creep on chicks all the time. Basically constantly.

BRETT: Right, but I’m not a…creep, though.

JASON: That’s the definition of a creep, dude.

JACOB: Hold on one second! What is this little operation, anyway? Do people put drug money in those books and turn them into you so you can then put drugs in the books and then give it back to them?

MITCH: No, but that is fuckin’ genius.

JASON: Can we start doing that?

JACOB: No, I don’t want to be involved in something like that, my brother’s just got out of rehab.

MITCH: Your point?

JACOB: Just, what is this whole operation?

MITCH: We’re a fight club, essentially. We wrestle, we fight, we just fuck one another up, it’s a blast.

JACOB: And you do it in the book return room of a college library?!

MITCH: Bro, no one would expect this. We have this thing called “quiet fighting”, where we whisper while we beat the ass out of each other. Don’t knock into too many things and watch out for that goddamn book slot, which we are DEFINITELY making a drug payment slot.

JACOB: Well…I want to fight.

MITCH: Alright. First you have to defeat Brett and Jason here in a fight.

JASON: No.

MITCH: What?

JASON: You don’t have to go it alone. Jacob, how about you and I tag team this creepy bastard?

JACOB: …Really?

JASON: Yeah. I respect that you stood up for Renee’s honor.

BRETT: Well shit, then I deserve a tag team partner! It’s unfair otherwise!

JACOB: And it wasn’t unfair when it was just me against you two?

MITCH: I got you, Brett.

BRETT: Alright, then. Let’s do this.

(Mitch walks over to Brett’s side)

JACOB: So wait, is there a bell or something, or-

(Mitch punches Jacob in the face as “Shimmy” by System of a Down begins playing. Jacob is knocked down and Jason grabs Mitch and forces him to the ground, where Jacob then puts him in a headlock. Brett is just standing there at this point, until he punches Jason, which makes Jacob release Mitch from his head lock and tackle Brett and punch him several times in the face on the ground before Mitch pulls Jacob off of Brett and tosses him into Jason, who then pushes Jacob out of the way and punches Mitch in the stomach, causing him to wretch in pain as Jason kicks him down, and Brett tries to tackle him, but Jacob punches Brett in the face, as the song ends)

JASON: You want to finish them?

JACOB: It’d be my pleasure.

(Cut to a campus cop walking up to the slot holding a dictionary and whistling. He slides it through the slot. Cut to the other side, where Jacob is cracking his knuckles as the dictionary slides out of the slot and slides to hit Jacob in the Achilles)

JACOB: URGH! GODDAMNIT!!

JASON: SHHH! Dude!

JACOB: Sorry!

CAMPUS COP: Oh FUCK no! (The campus cop circles the room and feels along the wall) I seem to remember this library being bigger…

JASON: (Whispering) Shit.

MITCH: (Whispering) Don’t worry, he won’t be able to get through the door-

(The campus cop taps the door open with his foot and walks in to see what’s going on)

CAMPUS COP: WHOA! (He takes out his gun and points it at them) WHY IS THERE BLOOD HERE?!

(They put their hands up)

JACOB: BRO, RELAX! WE WERE JUST FUCKIN’ AROUND!

CAMPUS COP: THIS IS A LIBRARY! BE QUIET!

JASON: YOU’RE YELLING!

CAMPUS COP: ENOUGH! (He puts his gun away) You four are running some sort of, fight club back here?! Like, for real?!

MITCH: It’s not so much a fight club as it is a book club where fighting happens.

CAMPUS COP: You guys need to disperse before I take you down to the station.

JACOB: I’ll take that deal- (The campus cop grabs Jacob’s collar and throws him to the ground and puts his boot over his head) WHAT THE FUCK?!

CAMPUS COP: WHY ISN’T THAT BRETT KID SPEAKING?!

MITCH: He’s out cold. But that’s my fault.

(The campus cop takes his foot off of Jacob’s head)

CAMPUS COP: Really now?

(Jacob looks confused)

MITCH: Yes. But Brett and I are bros, I’ll just get him a little hair of the dog and he’ll be real good.

CAMPUS COP: Well alright. But I want you four to get out of here and never come back!

JACOB: Yes sir. (Jacob stands up and the campus cop walks out) Thanks, man. Why’d you do that though?

MITCH: This is my fight club. What goes on in it is my responsibility. That’s the first rule of fight club.

JACOB: …Um…

(Cut to Dusty Allen, the Private Eye Ryan hired in TDEP194, sitting in his office, reading a newspaper, which shows the headline “Dennis Rodman: Is it Kenneth Bae’s birthday?! Huh?! Is it?! No! Selfish prick…” He gets a telephone call and puts down the newspaper and answers it)

DUSTY: Hello?

WOMAN ON THE OTHER LINE: (Voice only) Hello.

DUSTY: Hi. Who is this by the way?

WOMAN: I’m going to give you a set of instructions and you have to follow them exactly and you may never call me back until you complete your task. First up-

DUSTY: Wait, wait, lady, we have to discuss how you’re going to pay for whatever you want me to do!

WOMAN: I will send you a bag with cash in it as soon as you give me a quote.

DUSTY: What’s the job?

WOMAN: It’s actually two jobs. I want you to follow my daughter’s boyfriend and my son’s girlfriend around and gather intelligence.

DUSTY: Yeah, that’ll be a lot of money, because the risk versus reward is low, considering the whole, child stalking thing.

WOMAN: Shit, okay, how much?

DUSTY: My child stalking charge is-

WOMAN: I’LL PAY IT.

DUSTY: I still have to tell you what it is.

WOMAN: I’LL PAY IT.

(Cut to Miranda and Nick holding hands near some lockers at Hansbay high)

MIRANDA: Nick…my mom is being a bitchly.

NICK: She’s always been, Miranda! But we’re going to be together forever one day!

MIRANDA: We never get to see one another outside of school though! I’m always grounded and Michael won’t let me leave the house because he thinks I’m going to see you.

NICK: What does he have against me?

MIRANDA: Well, you slapped his girlfriend Carol’s ass a few years ago, remember?

NICK: I was on DMT. I’m clean of that shit now, now all I do is weed and I get adrenaline highs. Like when I film my speedometer going 110 on the highway. But usually I have some weed to aid that high as well.

(Dusty, dressed as a janitor, walks over and starts sweeping one solitary spot on the carpet)

MIRANDA: You see, that kind of stuff doesn’t help your image in her mind.

(Dusty looks at a sketch of Miranda, which is just a crudely drawn stick figure with long hair. He nods as if he’s sure it’s her)

NICK: Whatever, I don’t need her judgment. I don’t need your brother’s judgment either. Are you going to be on Facebook tonight?

MIRANDA: Probably not, she’ll take the laptop away from me.

NICK: We should just run away together.

MIRANDA: I’d need a car.

NICK: To run away?

(Cut to Michael and Delaney getting out of his car outside his house at night. Delaney is laughing)

DELANEY: I saw this post on 4Chan’s B thread, and it was, oh my Gosh, there were so many cartoon characters being fucked, and there was like, (laughs) Drew Carey-

(Michael laughs)

MICHAEL: I never remember anything specific from B, it’s mostly just a blur of Rule 34 and babinga faces. Luckily I save any images that catch my eye to my computer before they expire.

DELANEY: Ooh, can I see them?

(Michael laughs)

MICHAEL: God, I wish. But I don’t think my mom would like it.

DELANEY: Oh yeah, I guess you have school tomorrow.

MICHAEL: Yeah. Our breaks aren’t as amazingly long as West Virginia’s.

DELANEY: Hey, we don’t get MLK day off like you guys do!

MICHAEL: Well, that makes sense.

(Delaney laughs)

DELANEY: God, you have no idea.

MICHAEL: Well. Good night.

DELANEY: Good night.

(Michael and Delaney hug)

MICHAEL: See you on League tonight.

(Cut to Delaney’s mom driving her back home)

NPR: Just two days after New Jersey Governor Chris Christie fired some of his aides over a political retribution scandal involving a traffic jam on the George Washington Bridge in September of last year that was believed to be orchestrated for political reasons, the Christie administration is being investigated by the Federal Government for allegedly using federal funds allocated for Hurricane Sandy relief for tourism ads with Christie and his family in them. Reportedly, aides to Governor Christie are now texting each other back and forth asking “was that one of the things we did?” The presidential hopeful insists he is cooperating with both investigations. In his extremely long press conference where he denied any involvement in the traffic scandal, he emphasized he had recently been doing a lot of “soul searching”, however, a Federal investigation is already underway to determine the contents or existence of that soul. This is a precarious situation for Christie, who is widely viewed as a brutish, insecure, egotistical, loud mouth bully and potential 2016 Presidential Candidate. And an asshole. In other news, President Obama and the Iranian regime recently announced that the provisions of their 2013 agreement to reduce and eventually shut down Iran’s uranium enrichment has taken effect. Iran agreed to the reduction in uranium enrichment as long as economic sanctions on the embattled country are eased. This good faith diplomatic effort was maligned by our nation’s esteemed Congress, who believes sanctions on Iran should be tightened, not loosened. Essentially they’re saying, the sanctions that were applied in the first place in order to put international pressure on Iran to cooperate diplomatically with those seeking to impinge their ability to cultivate nuclear weapons, were not really applied for that reason. It was mostly so we could just have something to fill sections 1-3 of the future history books before section 4 details “The American-Iranian War of 2015”. This is NPR.

MS. CORTEZ: I’m glad you had fun, sweetie.

DELANEY: Yeah. He’s amazing.

MS. CORTEZ: And you can see him anytime you come up here.

DELANEY: Yeah. Who’s this guy with his brights on behind us?

MS. CORTEZ: I don’t know, but he’s riding me bad.

(Cut to Dusty behind Ms. Cortez’s car, following it closely with his brights on)

DUSTY: Eek, maybe I should back off. This is so not sleuth-like. (Ms. Cortez slams on her breaks suddenly, causing Dusty to collide with her) SHIT!!!

(Cut to Ryan, Ethan, Jacob, Madeline and Kimberly sitting in the living room of the Donahue household)

RYAN: Listen guys, it’s not that I wanted to die, so much, as it is that I wanted to, not exist anymore.

KIMBERLY: Well, I’m satisfied.

JACOB: No, fuck that! You wanted to take you away from us! You wanted to get away from us!

RYAN: I wanted to get away from myself, Jacob. I covered that letter in how much I love you guys. I really did.

MADELINE: It’s selfish.

RYAN: I know it is. I’m not a perfect person, if you haven’t noticed, but neither are you guys. No one’s on trial here, but you guys have fucked up bad too. Especially that time you were on trial, dad.

ETHAN: I never almost took myself away from my loved ones forever, Ryan.

RYAN: Yeah, just for, twenty-seven years.

MADELINE: Fine, what have I done, Ryan? Is this a competition about who’s the most selfish, corrupt piece of shit?

RYAN: Maddie, you’re like, the best person in this family. Probably the best person I know. Don’t worry, you’re going to that planet with all your family members on it after you die. Except dad, Jacob and I won’t be there because we’re pieces of shit. So have fun with mom.

MADELINE: I can’t say I don’t appreciate those comments.

KIMBERLY: Speaking of which, let’s read your letter. (Kimberly takes out Ryan’s letter and puts on some reading glasses) You repeatedly say that nothing happens after you die and that there is no God, I thought you were religious now?

RYAN: Jesus is my beard. Listen, I understand you guys are upset by this. But think about how I fucking felt! I wanted to KILL myself. Maybe your feelings weren’t my number one priority when I could barely feel anything for myself.

KIMBERLY: You said “have a good day” at the end of your letter.

JACOB: You morbid ass.

RYAN: ENOUGH! I need support, not your judgment!

MADELINE: Ryan is right. He was in a dark place. We should focus on how he’s clean and alive.

JACOB: But he still had drugs in the cave!

RYAN: I left them there, didn’t I?!

ETHAN: Can I have the name and address of every single fucking drug dealer you’ve ever had? Because I feel like if I had that information, I’d leave a trail of bodies throughout Chittenden County.

RYAN: And Essex County. And both Vermont and California’s Orange counties. And also parts of New York, New Hampshire and Canada.

ETHAN: All of ‘em, Ryan.

RYAN: They’re inconsequential, listen, while we sit here and bicker about the past, Pennyroyalin’s future is in the balance, this is a drug that could help millions of drug addicts!

KIMBERLY: Well, you have two days until the test comes through. How are you going to manage the PR crisis until then?

RYAN: …Uhh… (Cut to Ryan hiding under his bed) TELL THEM TO GO AWAY!

(Pan over to Jacob, who is kneeling near the bed)

JACOB: There are no members of the media outside, bud.

RYAN: Really?!

JACOB: Yeah.

RYAN: Wow. I feel insulted.

(Cut to Brennan asleep in his bed)

BRENNAN: (Sleep talking) ….Hmm…she’s perfect… (A knocking is heard at the door. And then more knocking and then louder knocking, causing Brennan to wake up and sit up in bed) Wha…what is going on? Who’s at the door? Is it her?

RYAN: (On the other side of the door) It’s me.

BRENNAN: Who? Jeff?

RYAN: Ryan.

BRENNAN: What the…fuck? (Brennan looks at his phone to see it says “Wednesday January 15 2014, 1:21 AM”) Jesus Christ. Come in.

(Ryan comes in and closes the door)

RYAN: Sorry, did I wake you?

BRENNAN: Dude, it’s past one in the morning on a school night, why would I not be asleep? Also, how did you get in here?

RYAN: Your little brother was letting his girlfriend in and out, so I just, snuck in behind.

BRENNAN: Did the girl have brown hair?

RYAN: No, blonde.

BRENNAN: ‘Kay, that’s not his girlfriend.

RYAN: Oh wow, he’s taking after his big brother.

BRENNAN: Come on dude, a 1am blast?

RYAN: Listen, Brennan, I can forgive you for that indiscretion-

BRENNAN: I’m not offering an apology-

RYAN: Just, accept my forgiveness. But I have a problem. You saw the news about me, right?

BRENNAN: Yeah, I did. It was disturbing.

RYAN: True, but, I have to go back to Maryland in the morning and they’ll give me back the results of my drug test, and I know I’ll be clean, but once this whole charade is over…what’s next, you know? I’m scared for what the future holds, especially when I’m facing it sober.

BRENNAN: Well, you’ve got your pony friends, your imaginary friends in the sky and then you have your new straight-edge identity. You just have to adopt it, nuqqa. The future has a way of working itself out.

RYAN: Not mine! My future has a way of fucking itself out, winding up in a gutter tripping on acid.

BRENNAN: You know what you should do, though? Go back to making music. Music is the best catharsis for any emotion. Whether it’s sadness because of Michael or anger at Michael or jealousy due to Michael-

RYAN: Dude, it’s been two weeks!

BRENNAN: Give me some time to heal, she was my one and only! Oh, and find a girl. That’s another little Brennan Sanford pro tip. Follow @Brennansprotips on Twitter.

RYAN: I just might do that.

BRENNAN: Now get the fuck out and let me complete my nocturnal emissions. (Brennan lays his head down and immediately goes back to sleep) Uhhh…yes…yes…slower…slower…UGH, yep! YESSS!!!! UGGHHHGHHahhhhh…..

RYAN: Dude, did you nut?

BRENNAN: I busted a nut!

(Cut to Jacob in his apartment on his couch. He is holding a bong and lighting it. He takes a hit and then exhales as Omar walks in)

OMAR: Oh, well this is a fresh sight.

JACOB: You want a hit?

OMAR: No, I don’t really do drugs.

JACOB: I know, that’s why I’m pressuring you.

OMAR: Don’t you have a test tomorrow, bro?

(Jacob takes a hit)

JACOB: Well…Omar, I’ve been thinking. I’ve been getting almost arrested, but I’ve also been thinking.

OMAR: About what?

JACOB: I think I want to be a cop.

OMAR: …A what?!

JACOB: A cop. (Jacob looks at Omar) I want to be able to overpower people.

OMAR: You are smoking a Schedule I drug right now and you’re saying you want to be a cop?

JACOB: Drugs don’t have schedules, I smoke weed whenever I want!

OMAR: No, I mean, see? You don’t even know what drug schedules are!

JACOB: I don’t need to go to law school to become a cop! If that were the case, cops would be huge assholes!

OMAR: As opposed to the dandy people they are right now, you just said you want to be a cop so you can overpower people. Is that not disturbing?

(Jacob takes a big hit and starts coughing profusely)

JACOB: I don’t think so, brother. (Jacob takes a drink of water) Holy shit, my mouth is Reno.

OMAR: If you want to be a cop, why are you here?

JACOB: I have a prior conviction, so that’s tricky, plus, Burlington Police prefer for applicants to have a college education anyway, they’re trying to bump that average police IQ up a bit.

OMAR: I don’t think you’ll get them over the hump.

(Jacob takes a hit)

JACOB: I just realized you’re a prick.

(Cut to Dusty, Delaney and Ms. Cortez standing on the side of the road, near their two vehicles, working things out)

DUSTY: My insurance information, of course. Um…there.

(Dusty hands her the insurance information)

MS. CORTEZ: Thank you. And here’s mine.

(She hands hers over to him)

DUSTY: Thank you.

MS. CORTEZ: So, your real name is Dustworth Allenworth? What a clunky name.

DUSTY: Yes indeed. Let me make a call.

(Dusty walks away with his cell phone out. Cut to Miranda, Michael and Wanda arguing in their kitchen)

MIRANDA: I can’t do ANYTHING ANYMORE!! Do you not care?!

WANDA: You brought it upon yourself by sneaking out with that boy all the time.

MICHAEL: Yeah, that kid is a druggie asshole! Why do you INSIST on hanging out with shitty people?!

MIRANDA: It’s so EASY to dismiss him as a druggie asshole when you don’t KNOW HIM AT ALL!!!

MICHAEL: It is easy, especially when there’s so much evidence.

MIRANDA: SHUT THE FUCK UP MICHAEL, YOU’RE NOT MY DAD!

MICHAEL: Do you see anybody else filling the power vacuum?

(Wanda high-fives Michael)

WANDA: That’s darn right!

MIRANDA: YOU GUYS WON’T LET ME HAVE ANYTHING!!

WANDA: Well, you know Miranda, I hired somebody to follow your little boyfriend around to see what he was up to, and guess what I found?!

MIRANDA: …YOU FUCKING HIRED SOMEBODY TO FOLLOW NICK AROUND?! ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?!

MICHAEL: What’d you find out?

WANDA: He… (She looks around and then looks back at Wanda) smokes weed! Yeah! You heard me right!

MIRANDA: …Wow. That’s your big FUCKING HEADLINE?! THAT’S ALL YOUR PI FOUND OUT?! YOU HIRED THE SHITTIEST PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR IN THE WORLD!

MICHAEL: Why? What would he have found out if he was a good PI?

MIRANDA: YOU PEOPLE ARE OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MINDS!!

(Miranda runs away crying into Michael’s room, and she slams the door)

MICHAEL: That’s my fucking room, Miranda!

MIRANDA: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

MICHAEL: Did you really hire a PI?

WANDA: Yep.

MICHAEL: Well…she’s right. He did a bad job. (Michael walks up to his door and tugs on the knob) LET ME IN, MIRANDA!

MIRANDA: I HATE MY LIFE!!!

MICHAEL: Oh, stop being dramatic!

MIRANDA: I HAVE A FLARE FOR IT, THOUGH!!!

(Wanda gets a call. She looks at the screen and walks in the other room to answer it)

WANDA: (Whispering) I told you not to call me again!

(Cut to Dusty standing a few feet away from Delaney and her mom, who are standing near Dusty’s vehicle and Ms. Cortez’s vehicle)

DUSTY: I don’t know why, I think you just saw that in a movie or something-

WANDA: Just, why are you calling?

DUSTY: Well, this job just got a whole lot more expensive.

(Cut to Ryan, Doctor Proskovec and the rest of the industry representatives before the FDA board. Director Hamburg slams the gavel)

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: I call this convening of the Food and Drug Administration to order. Can I get a roll call?

PFIZER REPRESENTATIVE: Could I have more input than I did last time? I had pages of testimony ready.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: Quiet, you! We’re here to announce the results of Mr. Donahue’s drug test.

RYAN: The only test I’m ever prepared for anymore! And the only one I don’t take Ritalin for! I’m KIDDING!

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Easy.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: Let me just, take the ol’ envelope out- (Director Hamburg takes out an envelope) to see the results. Drum roll, please?

DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Is this appropriate?

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: Fine, Doctor Buzzkill. (She opens the envelope and pulls out the report and looks at it) Yeah, you’re clean. (They all stand up and cheer and hug one another as Director Hamburg stands up and applauds. Ethan, Kimberly, Madeline and Jacob cheer and jump up and down and hug one another. Once the jubilation subsides, Director Hamburg slams his gavel several times) And as a special treat, I am announcing right here, right now, that the FDA has APPROVED Pennyroyalin!

(They cheer even more, but Board members look at one another in confusion, besides Hamburg. Once the cheering subsides, a Board Member leans towards his microphone)

BOARD MEMBER: Madame Director, for a drug like this, it usually takes ten months at LEAST to determine whether we approve a medicine or not, you can’t just unilaterally decide to approve a drug.

DIRECTOR HAMBURG: Oh.

RYAN: Shoot.

(Cut to black)

THE END


Submitted: January 18, 2014

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