The Donahues Episode 147

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ethan organizes a Super Bowl watch party at Mayor Sarandon’s bedside but Kimberly steers him elsewhere, Aedesh and Madeline check out Oliver’s operation in Texas and Jacob is invited to a frat party to watch the Super Bowl

Submitted: February 06, 2014

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Submitted: February 06, 2014









“Have pity on the eyes morose wherein the soul its hope reveals; on fated things that ne'er unclose and all who wait what night conceals”

  • Maurice Maeterlinck


(We start with Patrick White and Fiona Cadbury on TV, delivering the news)


PATRICK WHITE: Super Bowl forty-eight is today.


FIONA CADBURY: That’s correct.


PATRICK WHITE: And we are pumped! The Seattle Seahawks will face off against the Denver Broncos starting at 6:30, and then in between that, there will be numerous attempts by companies to copy Old Spice’s trademark advertising gimmick of going way over the top to sell their product.


FIONA CADBURY: And they will do a bad job at it.


PATRICK WHITE: And there will probably be a tiger involved at some point.


FIONA CADBURY: Someone getting hit in the balls.


PATRICK WHITE: Or vague sexual innuendo.


FIONA CADBURY: Whatever happens, according to studies, it will not result in a significant increase in sales of any of their products.


PATRICK WHITE: There goes four million dollars.


FIONA: Who do you have, Patrick?

PATRICK: Broncos by two. You?


FIONA: Seahawks by thirty-five.


PATRICK: …What a weird prediction. Moving on, this morning, Oscar-winning actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman was found dead in his Manhattan apartment of an apparent drug overdose. Fifty bags of heroin were strewn about the room, and-


(Cut to Mayor Sarandon watching the TV from his hospital bed)


MAYOR SARANDON: Jesus, I don’t want to watch the news right now! Where’s the remote?


(A nurse walks over holding the remote)


NURSE: Got it right here.


MAYOR SARANDON: Can you give it to me, please?


NURSE: Only if you say the SUPER SECRET pass word.




NURSE: Say the pass word!


MAYOR SARANDON: Give me the fucking remote! I’m the Mayor! I was shot!


NURSE: I’ve seen you looking up my dress.


MAYOR SARANDON: You’re wearing scrubs!

NURSE: I’ve seen you eyeing my crocs.


MAYOR SARANDON: I could take you down, honey! I’m the goddamn Mayor!


NURSE: And yet you still share a room with the likes of John Mayer.


MAYOR SARANDON: Is he still here?!


(Pan over to see John Mayer getting a foot massage from a nurse)


JOHN MAYER: Heck yeah, brah. (Singing) I’m just a curb side profit with my hand in my pocket and I’m waiting for my rocket to come-


MAYOR SARANDON: That’s Jason Mraz!


JOHN MAYER: Oh yeah. Whatever.


MAYOR SARANDON: This isn’t a massage parlor, right?! This is a hospital!


(Evan walks in)


EVAN: Mr. Mayor! I have great news.




EVAN: Wha-no, wow, dark, no, Ethan just got back from DC and he’s going to throw a little Super Bowl watch party right at your bed side. How does that sound?


MAYOR SARANDON: Terrific. There’s nothing I like more than pity. Did you know I haven’t gotten an erection since I was shot?


EVAN: I did not know that. Hm. I’ll file that under “interesting”.


MAYOR SARANDON: What condescending banner is he going to bring with him?


EVAN: He’s trying to be nice, not condescending. Just, try to enjoy yourself! It’ll make this recovery process a lot faster.


MAYOR SARANDON: Right, mind over matter, the spirit prevails over all.


EVAN: Right, just dig into your soul and pick out the strength to recover.


MAYOR SARANDON: What if I was shot in the soul?


EVAN: …What?


MAYOR SARANDON: Assuming that souls exist, which is a big assumption, wouldn’t it be a corporal entity that has matter, meaning that it would be possible to be shot in the soul?


EVAN: A soul isn’t a corporal entity, it’s intangible-


MAYOR SARANDON: So it has no matter.


EVAN: I mean, yes.


MAYOR SARANDON: But no object in the universe has no matter, meaning that the idea of a soul is either spurious or a soul is a byproduct of some extradimensional interference.


EVAN: Jesus, what happened to you?


MAYOR SARANDON: They aren’t letting me drink, that’s what happened. I feel rather clear-headed and some of my college physics and philosophy classes are coming back to me.


EVAN: Well, Ethan will be here as soon as he can. Don’t lose faith, Brian. I’ve been through tough shit in the past year with my divorce and all, and I can tell you there were times I wanted to abandon hope and my faith in God, but I never did, and I’m thankful for that chance.


MAYOR SARANDON: You got divorced?


EVAN: Come on, man, this is like insult to injury! You fuck my wife and then you forget that I left her because of it?!




(Mayor Sarandon pulls covers over himself. Cut to Jacob in the kitchen at Schmageggi’s in his waiter’s uniform reading from a notepad)


JACOB: Table eight needs an eight-ounce steak, well done, and a Chilean Sea Bass, I think. Table four is filled with Albanians, just in case anyone has any prejudices they want to exercise and table twelve wants dry wines. I’m taking a break, though.


CHEF: To-dah.


(Jacob walks out back and sees some co-worker waiter with a spiky haircut taking a smoke break. Jacob takes out his pack of cigarettes and puts one into his mouth and lights it)


JACOB: Broncos or Seahawks, Stephen?


STEPHEN: Denver, for sure. Because weed’s legal there, booooy!!


(Jacob laughs)


JACOB: Yeah. (He takes a drag) Wait, it’s also legal in Washington.


STEPHEN: But Washington is in a cold and unforgiving climate, booooy!!


JACOB: That’s true.


STEPHEN: Yeah, my brothers at Delta Tau Delta are holding a kick-ass frat party so we can watch the Super Bowl and get TURNT! And then maybe we can finally defeat the faggots at Kappa SMEGMA in the WAY more than annual brotherly mud wrestling competition.


JACOB: It’s way more than annual?


STEPHEN: We do it once or twice a month!


JACOB: Wow. You know, I have nothing to do for Super Bowl Sunday, so-


STEPHEN: Brother, you should totally come!


JACOB: I mean, I don’t go to the University of Vermont.


STEPHEN: Shit don’t matter. As long as you can get TURNT and never take no for an answer, you should be good.


JACOB: Cool. Wait, what do you mean by never taking no for an answer?


STEPHEN: Never back down.


JACOB: You’re being very vague, what do you mean?


STEPHEN: Never say no to another shot!


JACOB: OH! Okay. Wait, how is that never taking no for an answer?




(Cut to Jacob getting out of his car outside of the frat house Delta Tau Delta. There are many cars parked around and a lot of noise. Jacob)


JACOB: I smell leaking gasoline.


(Cut to Jacob walking up to the entrance, but some muscular college kid stops him)


COLLEGE KID: Whoa, whoa. Are you a member of this fraternity?


JACOB: I was invited here by Stephen Harshaw, the head brother, or whatever.


COLLEGE KID: We’re going to need to see proof of that.


(Stephen walks over)


STEPHEN: Bradley, it’s okay, this bro is chill. In fact, why don’t you take a five?


BRADLEY: But I have to keep guard to make sure no un-chill people come in!

STEPHEN: Honestly, I would just let anybody who wants to come in come in, because we are not doing as well as planned on attendance, I don’t care if it’s professors, priests or clergy, as long as we get chicks. Come in, Jake.


JACOB: ‘Kay.


(Jacob walks in to see a bunch of different guys hanging around holding red solo cups)


STEPHEN: Brothers, this is my friend Brother Jake.


BROTHERS: Hello, Brother Jake!

JACOB: Jacob, is what I prefer. S’up guys?


STEPHEN: Brother Jake goes to CCV, but he promised us chicks, so that’s why he’s here!


(They all cheer)


JACOB: Whoa, I didn’t promise you that!

STEPHEN: Brother Jake! My main nigga, you must not renege on this promise, kid! Get us chicks, get us head, get us in bed. Because the Broncos are down by two and I fear my balls may become blue!


FRAT MEMBER: That’s a modified version of our Frat Slogan.


JACOB: Your frat slogan has the N-word in it?




STEPHEN: Know any chicks?


JACOB: Of course.


STEPHEN: Then call some up. Sound dope?


JACOB: Yeah, totally.


STEPHEN: Awesome!


(Stephen pats Jacob on the back and goes over to sit down and watch the game with the rest. Jacob takes out his phone and pulls up Renee’s number on his phone)


JACOB: …Shit. Renee’s a girl, but they’re all going to expect to bone her. And she is not ready for random sex or any type of sex. So if she’s here, she’d just have to be with me. Maybe I could fuck her. But then who would these guys fuck? What girls do I know who would be willing to come here? Besides that hooker I met on Tinder two months ago? I feel uneasy about that. And I don’t know if these guys would be ready for it, as depraved as they seem outwardly, I bet a lot of them use Tinder to jerk off. But then how do I fulfill this great responsibility? I could ask Renee to bring her friends. And if her friends don’t want to have sex, then I’ll make sure these bastards respect that. Alright, here we go.


(Jacob calls Renee. Cut to Renee in a confessional, talking to a priest)


RENEE: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’ve lied, envied and- (She gets Jacob’s call) oh my gosh, one second! (Renee answers) Hello?


JACOB: Yo, Renee! What are you doing tonight?


(Renee smiles)


RENEE: Nothing, why?


JACOB: There’s a Super Bowl party on the campus of the University of Vermont, you should stop by!


RENEE: Oh, wow, really? Right now?


JACOB: Yeah! It’s the Delta Tau Delta fraternity, oh, and bring a bunch of your friends. They’re wanting more people to come. But please branch out from your church group. At least invite those chicks who go on mission trips to Africa so they can change their Facebook profile pictures.


RENEE: Uh, sure! What should I wear?


PRIEST: This isn’t a phone booth, young lady.


RENEE: Oh, sorry. (Renee walks out of the confessional and the next person in line goes in) But yeah, what?


JACOB: I don’t know, clothes that say “I’m not your primary objective”.


RENEE: What does that mean?


JACOB: It means I want you to hang out with me, not these douchebag frat boys. Save me, Renee! I’m in need of saving! I’m saving you, trust me.


(Renee giggles)


RENEE: Okay. I’ll be there as soon as I can.


JACOB: Good.


RENEE: Wait, is there…alcohol?


(Jacob looks behind him to see Stephen laying out bottles upon bottles of liquor and beer on the table. He pours a little beer on the table and as people cheer, he snorts the beer right off the table)






(Jacob turns back around)


JACOB: Not as far as I know.


(Cut to Mayor Sarandon sitting on the side of his bed with a nurse nearby. She is near a wheelchair)


NURSE: Alright, we’re going to get you into this wheelchair, nice and easy, alright?




NURSE: One, two, THREE!


(She grabs and plops him into the wheelchair)




NURSE: But you’re in there. And that’s all that matters. Here.


(The Nurse hands him a sucker)


MAYOR SARANDON: Not even a chocolate one.


NURSE: Chocolate suckers are awful!




(Ethan, Evan, Kimberly, Shelly, Noah and Valerie walk in carrying balloons)


ETHAN: Happy Super Bowl!

KIMBERLY: The big game!!




NOAH: Stylish wheel chair, Brian. I was in one of those during my second tour in ‘Nam.


MAYOR SARANDON: Well, was it because you were SHOT?!

NOAH: …Yeah!


MAYOR SARANDON: Right, that um, I meant for that to belittle your injury compared to mine, but I guess I should’ve figured that wouldn’t work.


KIMBERLY: You shouldn’t try to belittle anybody, Brian. Ethan has been doing discharging your duties with great professionalism in your absence.


SHELLY: You should’ve seen him before Congress the other day.


NOAH: Let’s show him.


ETHAN: Oh, we don’t have to. Let’s watch the game, it’s on in fifteen, who you going for Brian? Broncos or Seahawks?


MAYOR SARANDON: I don’t give a shit, I shouldn’t have even survived long enough to see this game.


NURSE: Don’t worry, you still might not if you keep acting like such a diva.


(The nurse leaves)


EVAN: …Let’s see that video!


(Kimberly takes out a flash drive)


KIMBERLY: I have it right here.


(Kimberly takes out her laptop and sticks the flash drive in there and puts it on a table as the video of Ethan before the House Committee on Appropriations, chaired by Congressman Hal Rogers (R-KY))


CONGRESSMAN ROGERS: Mr. Mayor, your city’s recovery from this riot is of the utmost importance, but money is tight right now. How much do you need?


ETHAN: Mr. Chairman, my city incurred over eleven million dollars in damages from January 21st to January 25th and seven people lost their lives, not including the dingus that tried to assassinate our Mayor.




ETHAN: He’s a dingus! I can say that on air, right?


CONGRESSMAN ROGERS: That’s, probably not as harsh as it should be.


ETHAN: Our city was heavily damaged by these acts of violence. We need at LEAST fifteen million dollars in aid to repair our city.


CONGRESSMAN ROGERS: Fifteen million huh?




CONGRESSMAN ROGERS: You want us to write you a check?


ETHAN: I don’t think, that’s how it works-


CONGRESSMAN ROGERS: Of course it isn’t! We can’t agree on anything!


CONGRESSWOMAN LOWEY: I say we give him eight billion dollars!

CONGRESSMAN LATHAM: As long as it comes from Obamacare!


CONGRESSMAN PRICE: I’ll kick your ass!!


ETHAN: Gentlemen! GENTLEMEN! And, Ms. Lowey. I am just a man, and you are just a dysfunctional branch of Government, and all I can do is ask you for this favor. Give my city the chance to rebuild. Give Governor Shumlin the resources to make that happen. There are parts of Hansbay that you drive through, and it seems like it’s war-torn Nairobi or something. I saw an emaciated black ten year old with machine gun rounds on his back and torso as I was driving by one morning. He waved to me and held up a little, can of Coke. (Ethan gives a far-off stare and gets tears in his eyes) It was beautiful, actually. I had never seen a black person on that street before. But that little boy had hope. And I would be willing to track down that little boy and use him as emotional blackmail for you folks if you don’t do the right thing.


(Kimberly pauses it)


KIMBERLY: Wasn’t that amazing?! He got the Committee to commit to voting on debating the proposal to allocate 13 million dollars to rebuilding the city, NEXT WEEK!


MAYOR SARANDON: Terrific. I’m glad he’s doing my job so effectively. As if I couldn’t do that.


ETHAN: You couldn’t, that’s why you’re in here.


MAYOR SARANDON: I would’ve run before Congress still BLEEDING if it meant this city could heal! I would die in that Congressman’s arms!


NOAH: Brian, relax!


MAYOR SARANDON: I’m relaxed! (Mayor Sarandon rolls his wheelchair forward and picks up the remote) Why don’t we just put on the game? (He turns on the TV) There you go. Pre-game shit. My money’s on the Broncos.


ETHAN: See? There you go.


(Mayor Sarandon rolls over to the window and looks outside)


MAYOR SARANDON: This used to be my city.


ETHAN: It still is, sir. Once you recover, I will hand the giant key back to you. The giant, actually functional key you force me to lug around in my car and the only key that can actually gain access to the Mayor’s building.


MAYOR SARANDON: That’s right, bitch. And if Zimmerman was still alive, then I’d execute him with the giant novelty scissors. I’d do it myself.


NOAH: And he would deserve it!


ETHAN: I’m not a bitch, though! Is no one going to defend me on that one?


(Kimberly receives a text from Luke, which she checks. It reads “you and your hubby up for a super bowl party at my place?” Kimberly looks perplexed, but then smiles)


KIMBERLY: Hey Ethan, could I talk to you real quick? In private?


ETHAN: Sure. Also, Evan, join us out there, if you could, I have an idea to bounce off of you.


EVAN: A ménage a trois?


KIMBERLY: Ew, no. Right?


ETHAN: Yes, that is not it. Let’s go. Be right back, Brian.


MAYOR SARANDON: Whatever the fuck.


(Ethan, Kimberly and Evan go into the hallway)


KIMBERLY: Okay, my work friend Luke, you remember him, he has a Super Bowl party he’s hosting and he’s invited us to it.


ETHAN: Luke? Why would we go to that?


KIMBERLY: Because he’s a really nice guy, and he could become like a family friend and not a constant source of tension between us.


ETHAN: Um, Evan’s right there.


KIMBERLY: Hey, you invited him out here. But yeah, we should go, especially since Mayor Sarandon is being kind of a diva roach right now.


ETHAN: That’s true. Evan, could you inject feces into his IV or something? I heard about a woman doing that in order to kill her husband.


EVAN: Are you sure that wasn’t an escaped circus animal? Because I have access to those.


ETHAN: No, they aren’t reliable enough.


EVAN: I think he’s just pissy because he got shot.


ETHAN: Well, obviously, but he shouldn’t take it out on all of us. And he’s also obviously jealous that I’m doing so well at my job. He can just never think about anyone else but himself, can he?


EVAN: Suppose not. He does seem to have a soft spot for those fat kids though.


ETHAN: It’s because he used to be one.


KIMBERLY: Are we going to that party?


(Ethan sighs)


ETHAN: Fine. Let me go tell the Mayor the emergency business I have to attend to.


(Ethan and Kimberly walk into the hospital room)


EVAN: …Holy shit. Oh my God, that’s perfect.


(Cut to Oliver at a bar in Dallas, Texas, having a drink, talking to a bar tender)


BAR TENDER: Where you from?


OLIVER: Rhode Island.


BAR TENDER: How’d you end up comin’ here?


OLIVER: Oh, well, I recently turned twenty-one, and I asked this guy with glasses if there were any places he recommended, and he was all like (nerdy voice) “there’s a bar where they serve alcohol at a reasonable price”, and I was like okay, and-


BAR TENDER: No, I mean, how’d you end up comin’ to Texas?


OLIVER: Oh. Just…political stuff. (Oliver looks over to a slutty looking girl on the other side of the bar) Excuse me. (Oliver walks over to her) Hey.


GIRL: Hey.


OLIVER: I’m Oliver.


GIRL: (Valley girl voice) I’m Tiffanie.


OLIVER: I like that name. What do you do, Tiffanie?


TIFFANIE: I design pet fashion magazines. What about you?


OLIVER: Oh, I do a lot of work with local, political organizations, like the YDA, we uh-


TIFFANIE: Isn’t the YDA a completely anemic organization that means nothing, has no political clout and is mostly just an excuse for liberals to get hammered and discuss politics?


OLIVER: …How would you, of all people, know that?


(Cut to Madeline sitting in one of her college classes. People around her are packing up, and she is finishing writing something. Her Professor, Doctor Comstock, walks over to her and takes her paper)




MADELINE: Professor! I was almost finished!


PROFESSOR COMSTOCK: Too finished if you asked me. And you didn’t.



PROFESSOR COMSTOCK: You see this grade? (Professor Comstock holds up a paper written by Madeline entitled “French Socioeconomics in the 18th Century” that had a fifty as a grade) You see it!?


MADELINE: Yes, it’s, bad. But I don’t understand why! That paper was not the worst thing I’ve written!

PROFESSOR COMSTOCK: It had some good points to be sure, but you wrote “this shows that” blah blah blah, a total of eighty times. I mean…how did you do that?


MADELINE: Shit, I don’t know.


PROFESSOR COMSTOCK: That’s High School shit. You had too many Le Mis references, too.


MADELINE: I concede that.


PROFESSOR COMSTOCK: Let me put you in terms you’ll understand. In conclusion, in summation, to summarize, this shows that you need to try harder if you want to pass the course this year, or pass your sophomore year of College at all.


(Professor Comstock drops the paper on her desk. Madeline looks upset. Cut to Madeline and Aedesh on a plane together)


MADELINE: I’m glad we’re finally making this trip.


AEDESH: I just want to see his operation, it doesn’t mean I’m re-committing to party politics and all its cancerous ways.


MADELINE: This plane ticket was a hard sale for my mom, though. Since it was like four hundred and fifty dollars.


AEDESH: My dad’s a doctor, so as long he thinks I’m touring UT Southwestern Medical Academy, he’ll pay whatever.


(Madeline laughs)


MADELINE: Oh, man…I got so little sleep last night, thinking about, grades and shit.


AEDESH: Take a nap. You said you were going to sleep on the plane.


MADELINE: Yeah, I always say that, but I never end up doing it. Flights make me too nervous.


(Close-up of Aedesh’s face)


AEDESH: Alright, then don’t- (Zoom out to see Madeline is already asleep on Aedesh’s chest) wow, really?


(Cut to the pilot flying the plane)


PILOT: I always say I’m going to sleep on the flights, but I never end up doing it.


(Cut to both the pilot and Madeline asleep on Aedesh’s chest)


AEDESH: This is just…


(Cut to Madeline and Aedesh walking through DFW airport, dragging suitcases)


MADELINE: Where is Oliver?


AEDESH: Could be anywhere. I spoke to him once before we left, haven’t even texted him to make sure everything is in order.


MADELINE: Oh my God, that’s…poor planning!

AEDESH: I don’t want to bother him, I’m sure he’ll remember to pick us up.


MADELINE: Oh, look, he’s right there.


(Cut to Oliver holding a sign reading “Madeline and Aedesh”)




MADELINE: We’re here!


(They walk over to him)


OLIVER: Oh, thank God, I was freaking out.


AEDESH: Yeah, you’re not supposed to yell our names, that’s what the sign is for, plus, yelling names that loud anywhere is just generally bad behavior.


OLIVER: Nice to see you too, Aedesh.


AEDESH: Hey bro.


MADELINE: Nice to see you, Oliver.


(Madeline and Oliver hug, and then as they release one another, Aedesh hugs Oliver)


OLIVER: Oh, thanks.


AEDESH: I missed you, buddy.


(Cut to Oliver driving them in his car)


MADELINE: So what have you been up to in the Lone Star State?


OLIVER: I’ve been a lone star. You wouldn’t believe how many random bar sluts know how ineffectual my organization is.


AEDESH: Really?


OLIVER: Yep. And these seasoned campaign experts can be real craven, cynical pricks. And they’re all in their twenties just like me.


MADELINE: Aren’t you trying to convince us to work here?


OLIVER: Let me show you something, Maddie and Aedesh. Let me show you where our Super Bowl party is going to be.




(Oliver makes a sudden U-Turn)


MADELINE: Uh…going the wrong way, Oliver.


(Oliver turns into a corn-field)


AEDESH: …Driving through a corn field, Oliver.


(His car emerges from the corn field and they see a barn in front of them. Oliver gets out, followed by Madeline and Aedesh)


MADELINE: What the hell are we doing here?

OLIVER: You see that barn?




OLIVER: This is where our Super Bowl party is.




(Oliver turns around)


OLIVER: This is where I live.


(Madeline and Aedesh look shocked. Cut to Jacob, Stephen and the other frat boys watching the Super Bowl in the frat house)


STEPHEN: Not getting off to a great start for the Broncos, to be sure, but it’s only half an hour in and it’s only five to nothing. It’s all about a good offense.


JACOB: But Peyton Manning looks so old and orange is not a good look for him, or anybody quite frankly.


STEPHEN: Whoa, the Super Bowl! It’s like, two weed-legalized states competing in a Super Bowl, like toking up weed! In a bowl!


(Stephen laughs)


JACOB: Yeah, you’re the first person to make that connection.




(One of the frat boys walks over and sits down, putting down a bowl full of chips and a glass full of liquor in the process)


FRAT BOY: Jake, where are these chicks you’re talking about?


STEPHEN: David’s right, where are the bitches?


DAVID: I’m right!

JACOB: Um, they should be here any second.


STEPHEN: Because like, if we can’t get bitches tonight, we can just, bone each other.


DAVID: Yeah.


STEPHEN: I mean, what’s the big deal? We’re brothers.


DAVID: Yeah!

STEPHEN: We’re actually brothers, the two of us.


DAVID: Yeah, we got the same parents.


JACOB: Wow, so it’s gay and incest! Listen, you won’t have to resort to that, as eager as you might be, she should be here- (Jacob gets a call) oh, maybe that’s her. (Jacob picks up) Hello?


RENEE: (On the phone) Hey, I’m outside with a bunch of friends. Want to let us in?


JACOB: Totally, be right there. (Jacob hangs up) Be right back, gotta let the flock of bitches in.


STEPHEN: To-dah!


(Jacob smiles and gets up and walks over to the door and opens up to see Renee and a bunch of chicks, who are all either somewhat overweight, nerdy or homely)


JACOB: Ohh…hey!


RENEE: Hey, I brought Madison, Elena, Kelsy, Hubert, Debora and Lauren.


JACOB: Cool. Come in.


(Renee leads the five girls in as Jacob’s face shows concern. The frat boys walk over to the five girls presented and look at them)


RENEE: Hey! I’m Renee, and these are my friends Madison, Elena, Kelsy, Hubert, Debora and Lauren- is that alcohol over there?


(Jacob walks over to Renee)


JACOB: Renee-


RENEE: Jacob, you said there wasn’t-


JACOB: Relax, okay? Be cool. For once.


DAVID: Who are these chicks?


RENEE: Like I was saying, Madison, Elena, Kelsy, Hubert, Debora and Lauren.


JACOB: Listen, guys, just be-


STEPHEN: These chicks seem chill.


JACOB: I know they’re not-wait, what?


DAVID: Yeah, which one is Kelsy?


KELSY: That’s me.


DAVID: Your rack is…scrumptious.


JACOB: Wow, that’s forward.


KELSY: You think so?


DAVID: I do.


KELSY: Nobody’s ever said that to me before.


DAVID: There’s a first time for everything, speaking of which, who here is a virgin?




JACOB: Trust me Renee, that does more harm than good.


STEPHEN: We get off on it.


RENEE: Oh, Gosh.


JACOB: Let’s just watch the Super Bowl!


STEPHEN: Nah, the Seahawks just got another touchdown.


JACOB: Still, let’s just watch it.


(Jacob leads them all over to the living area, where they all sit down. Kelsy sits down next to David)


FRAT BOY: Who wants to get turnt tonight?


RENEE: What’s that?


FRAT BOY: It means getting more attractive.


JACOB: It means getting drunk, Renee.


RENEE: Oh. I’m fine.


DAVID: Come on, Renee, is it?




DAVID: Drink something, go ahead.


JACOB: She doesn’t drink, you don’t have to drink if you don’t want to, Renee.


RENEE: I know.


JACOB: Cool. On that note- (Jacob pours himself some Whiskey) it’s Whiskey time!


(The frat boys cheer)


KELSY: I think I want something to drink.


RENEE: Kelsy, don’t give in to peer pressure!

STEPHEN: Nobody has pressured her.


JACOB: Renee, let your friends make their own decisions. (Jacob takes a sip of his drink) Because that’s what friends do.


RENEE: Is lying about parties also what friends do?


JACOB: They broke out the booze as soon as we got off the phone. I thought they were a dry…frat house.


(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly walking up to the front door of Luke’s house in the bitter cold)


ETHAN: You could freeze off a tit in this weather.


KIMBERLY: Nothing could freeze of that tit.


(Kimberly grabs Ethan’s tit)


ETHAN: Excuse you!


KIMBERLY: Gettin’ plump.


ETHAN: What? No way.


KIMBERLY: All those Mayoral perks, I guess.


(Ethan laughs as Kimberly presses the doorbell)


ETHAN: I’m not actually-


KIMBERLY: No, you’re good.


ETHAN: Okay, great. Because-


KIMBERLY: It comes mostly with age.


(Luke opens the door)


LUKE: Hey there!


ETHAN: Hi. I’m Ethan, this is Kimberly.


LUKE: Ah, I know you guys! Ethan, it’s been forever!


ETHAN: Yeah, five years.


LUKE: Great to see you!


(Luke puts his hand on Ethan’s arm and shakes his hand)


ETHAN: You too, man.


(He detaches from Ethan and goes over to hug Kimberly)




(Ethan glares at the hug with concealed rage. As he detaches from her, he puts his hand on the shoulders of his friend, Kenneth Branagh)


LUKE: These are my friends from back in Britain, Emmy-award winner Kenneth Branagh, and- (He turns to some skinny guy in a blue turtle neck) this twat named George.




LUKE: So anyway, come on in!


ETHAN: Yes, it’s very cold.


(They walk in and are led to the living room, where Luke has fish and fries laid out on the living room table as they all sit down)


ETHAN: Wow, what a British set-up.


GEORGE: Yeah, originally we were going to have a Royal court jester re-enact the Super Bowl, but Luke had this TV and we didn’t want to go too British.


(They look over to the TV, which is playing soccer)


ETHAN: The hell’s this?


LUKE: Sorry, turn it back to American football.


KENNETH: Cheerio. (Kenneth turns it back to the Super Bowl) Here we go.


ETHAN: Goddamn, Denver is getting their asses handed to them. Twenty two to nothing.


KIMBERLY: Is that bad? I don’t have much connection to either Seattle or Denver and I don’t know what the desirable amount of points is.


ETHAN: Higher is better. Which also happens to be the philosophy of Denver, but anyway, my grandparents have a house in Denver, so that’s my justification. But shit. They aren’t doing well.


LUKE: I had a layover at Seattle International once. So I support the Seahawks now!


KENNETH: Ooh, a little rivalry is brewing, huh?


(Kimberly snaps)


KIMBERLY: You’re that guy from Hamlet!




ETHAN: Broncos could, theoretically catch up, but it’s…difficult.


LUKE: Why did everybody go all bat-shit about Richard Sherman’s rant by the way? Bugger was blowin’ off a little steam, I would’ve too if I had to deal with constant, daily concussions. And imagine how much money he makes!



LUKE: Just imagine it!


KENNETH: It’s more than I make. And I’m a knight.


LUKE: This guy was knighted.


KENNETH: And I flew all the way here for a Super Bowl party in Vermont. I could’ve gone to the game, but fuck it. I’m a knight.


KIMBERLY: Oh my God, you were in Othello, right?




ETHAN: This game is depressing. I hate games where one team is ahead the entire time. You know, like last year’s Super Bowl.


KIMBERLY: Yeah, and I swear I saw a commercial for scientology.


LUKE: You know what? You’re all right! This game is hopelessly unexciting. Let’s drink a little- (Luke takes out a bottle of Brandy and pours it in a glass and then puts the bottle back and sips it) hmm, that’s good, and then, we should-


KIMBERLY: You didn’t offer us any, silly goose!


LUKE: You like Brandy?


ETHAN: Kimmy, you get those awful migraines when you drink-


KIMBERLY: You get migraines.


ETHAN: Not since I started using medical pot every time one comes on. And alcohol never induced them because I don’t drink heavily.


LUKE: Well I don’t have any funny stuff, Ethan, sorry ‘bout that.


ETHAN: You call marijuana “funny stuff”?


LUKE: Yep. And Kimberly can drink if she wants.


KIMBERLY: I don’t know, Ethan’s probably right, I shouldn’t.


LUKE: Alright, fair enough.


ETHAN: No, go ahead, do whatever.




ETHAN: Drink, go ahead.


KIMBERLY: I wasn’t waiting for your permission, Ethan.


ETHAN: Okay, okay! Fine, you can’t drink then, it’s fine.


KIMBERLY: Wait-no! Pour me some!


ETHAN: Kim, I didn’t mean-


LUKE: Okay, here goes.


(Luke pours a bit into the glass)


KIMBERLY: Thank you. (Kimberly takes a drink) What now?


ETHAN: The game’s still on, though.


GEORGE: It’s a bad game, mate.


ETHAN: It’s a Super Bowl party, mate! We should probably, you know, watch the Super Bowl!

(Cut to Luke turning on his stereo)


LUKE: We could have it on in the background while Pink Floyd plays.


(“Comfortably Numb” by Pink Floyd plays, causing Kimberly, George and Kenneth to get up and walk over to Luke)


ETHAN: What? The hell is going on?



ETHAN: You haven’t even gotten to that part in the song yet!!


(Cut to Oliver sitting on a bale of hay in front of Madeline and Aedesh in the barn)


AEDESH: You fucking sleep in here?!


OLIVER: I fucking do. No wonder I can’t get any girls to come home with me, huh?


MADELINE: Not that you ever did anyway.


OLIVER: Excuse you?


MADELINE: Like, you were never a dog. You never slept around.


OLIVER: I don’t know, all the campaign operatives did it, I wanted to be cool. But a lot of them are staying in nicer barns. Or, Comfort Inns.


AEDESH: Care to explain the whole, Heisenberg Season five look?


OLIVER: Oh, yeah, I just, the winter. And, I wanted to reinvent myself here. But…our candidate is hopeless. Let’s cut the bullshit.


AEDESH: I don’t know anything about your candidate, what bullshit would I be cutting?


OLIVER: ENOUGH BULLSHIT! He’s down thirty points with three months until the primary. No chance.


MADELINE: Yeah, that’s pretty dismal.


OLIVER: I want to get away.


AEDESH: So, why don’t you move back to Rhode Island?


OLIVER: I have no money. No college degree, so no job opportunities.


MADELINE: What the f-then go back to college!


OLIVER: I can’t, I have no money!

AEDESH: What about your parents?


OLIVER: I…oh jeez.




OLIVER: They’re both huge conservatives, so if they knew I was doing campaign work for Democrats, they would be so pissed, so, I told them I became a drug addict and moved to Miami.


(Madeline and Aedesh look at Oliver in shock)




OLIVER: Unfortunately not.


MADELINE: Why would you do that?! How is that better than telling them you do campaign work for liberals?


OLIVER: They hate me anyway, I hate them anyway, so it’s whatever. Regardless, I have nowhere to turn. Well, I have one place.


AEDESH: Where?


(Oliver looks off in the distance)


OLIVER: …Portland…




OLIVER: Portland, Oregon.


AEDESH: Why there?


OLIVER: Have you been reading the news? People are fleeing to Oregon! Sixty-one percent inbound immigration! It’s like, the Trail of Tears, but they’re tears of joy!


MADELINE: You could’ve just said the Oregon Trail.


AEDESH: What’s so great about Portland?


OLIVER: It’s liberal, temperate, has great urban planning, hates anything corporate, hates everything conservative, Portlandia is funny, has great coffee shops and indie restaurants, I love Fred Armisen, it has a terrific music scene, did you see that sketch with the cage-free chickens?


MADELINE: Too many of these reasons are Portlandia-related.


OLIVER: Listen, this place is the Promised Land. Dan Auerbach promised it to us. And I intend to collect.


AEDESH: Collect what?


OLIVER: Mostly, vintage bottle caps and stuff.


AEDESH: Oliver, you know I love you. But, what job opportunities do you have in Portland? Any?


OLIVER: I’m going to start a coffee shop.


MADELINE: What? What happened to politics?


OLIVER: Congress. Congress killed everyone. So now I’m going to start a coffee shop in Portland.


MADELINE: Do you have any experience with an enterprise like that?


OLIVER: It’s a business. I would manage it thusly. And I would make it...Eastern.


AEDESH: Eastern?


OLIVER: Yes. That’s where you come in. I remember I had coffee at your house one time, and your mother had made it, and my God, was it amazing. And Eastern. I thought a little snake would come out of it if I whistled.


MADELINE: You want you two to start an Eastern coffee shop together?


OLIVER: That’s where you come in.


AEDESH: First off, the answer is no, I’m staying in Rhode Island for college. Sorry.


OLIVER: All I need is the ingredients, so that’s chill, anyway-


AEDESH: Are you serious?


OLIVER: Madeline, (Oliver gets up and goes over to Madeline) you may not understand, but Portland is a magical place. The Hypnosis scene there is absolutely popping, and-


MADELINE: Well, I’m actually not really interested in that anymore.


OLIVER: Oh. Don’t you work at Stara hypnosis still?


MADELINE: Yeah, but, that’s, not bound to last. He asked me to make their budget for 2014 back in December, and, I didn’t do it…and I think they might notice soon.


AEDESH: How have they not already noticed?


MADELINE: I put them all into trances! HEE HEE HEE! But no, they’re just stupid, that’s why they haven’t noticed.


OLIVER: Fine, what are you into now?


MADELINE: …I’ve been into slam poetry recently. Actually, I feel like it’s been into me. I really do.


OLIVER: Perfect! Portland has a HUGE slam poetry scene. Mayor Hales will slap drums and, and I’ll snap for you!


(Madeline laughs)


MADELINE: That might be cool, actually.


AEDESH: What? Madeline, you have school! In Rhode Island!

MADELINE: I’m failing it though.


AEDESH: I could help you out! We started out as study buddies, remember?


MADELINE: I do remember. But we ended up talking all night instead. So. I bombed that test too. My Professor wrote “I can see you and Aedesh really ‘study buddied’ that night, flap, flap, flap”.


AEDESH: Seriously? How inappropriate.


MADELINE: You should’ve seen the drawing.


AEDESH: How did he even know we study buddied?


OLIVER: Listen, I just want you guys to see Portland.




OLIVER: …I’ll drive you guys up there.




OLIVER: On me. All my money saved up for an apartment can go to this trip.


MADELINE: Oh, that’s, too generous.


OLIVER: I only had enough for a hotel anyway. This campaign does not treat me well.


AEDESH: Well, we have classes next week, Oliver. I mean, come on! Think about these things!


MADELINE: It doesn’t matter.


AEDESH: What?!

MADELINE: I hate school anyway. I hate it. The people. The fact that it’s culture is basically at a High School level of maturity, and High School was not a dandy time for me by the way. And I have no interest in anything I’m being taught. Fuck college. I’m going to Portland.


AEDESH: Maddie, consider what you’re saying!

OLIVER: She’s living in the moment, Aedesh! Look, she’s tweeting about it right now!

(Madeline is indeed on her phone)


AEDESH: That’s not living in the moment! Also, holy shit, you’re basically dropping out!


(Madeline puts away her phone)


MADELINE: Are you coming?


AEDESH: Of course not! I have to go back, I have class on Tuesday!


MADELINE: Well I’m going.


AEDESH: Wait, wait a minute, what does that mean for us?


MADELINE: What do you mean? I’ll be back.


AEDESH: So you’re not moving?


MADELINE: Not yet. I would hope to have you come with me. But sometimes dreams have a way of, ripping people apart. Look at Woody Allen and Mia Farrow.


AEDESH: I’d rather not, and this wasn’t your dream before you came in this fucking barn! If you want to abandon me and go off with some other guy, fine. But don’t expect me to be waiting here for you when you come back.


MADELINE: Aedesh! Don’t be like that!

OLIVER: I will not touch her, Aedesh. I’ve never been a dog.


MADELINE: He never has.


OLIVER: Trust me, I’ve tried. My dick has been dry as the desert since I’ve been here. I haven’t jerked off, because I don’t get off to hay, and the chickens judge me.


MADELINE: They judge him.


(Aedesh sighs)


AEDESH: …Maybe I overreacted. It’s your decision, just…realize it’s a shitty one. I’ll be in Rhode Island if you come to your senses.


(Aedesh walks away)




(Aedesh walks back in)


AEDESH: I forgot that you had driven us here.




(Cut to Renee in the bathroom, washing her hands. Jacob walks in)


RENEE: Jacob!


JACOB: (Slurred speech) It’s okay!


RENEE: Not really!


JACOB: Renee. (Jacob puts his hands on her shoulders) Did you have a good time tonight? That’s all that matters to me.


RENEE: Yeah, it was, good.


JACOB: Be honest with me. I would never want anything less than the complete and total truth sauce, HAEHH? Babe?


RENEE: I did! You just, didn’t hit on any of my friends.


JACOB: Oh…well I’m not on the uh, the market right now.


RENEE: You have a girlfriend?


JACOB: Nahhh…it’s just, I’m not on THEIR market right now. They’re selling apples, and I need a…fucking potato peeler. Or, my dick wet.


RENEE: Meaning you’re not attracted to them?


JACOB: What? Absolutely-okay, yes, I’m not. But they’re really nice people! Swear to God!


RENEE: Your jerk frat friends seemed to like them!


JACOB: Yes, and I was quite surprised. Although, considering those fuckers have incest fetishes, I shouldn’t have been.


RENEE: I’m not going to ask what any of those words mean, but-


JACOB: Oh my God, you’re sheltered.


RENEE: BUT I will say that when you’re more superficial than drunken fraternity members, maybe you should realize you have some problems.


(Renee leaves the bathroom as Jacob struggles to keep his balance. He gets on his knees and vomits into the toilet)




(He vomits more. Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Luke, Kenneth and George playing cards while the Super Bowl is muted on TV)


ETHAN: Goddamn, it’s thirty six to nothing.


LUKE: They’ve already won. Throw the Gatorade bottles at Coach Carroll already.


ETHAN: That’s not what they do, do you know anything about football, Luke?


LUKE: Not a thing.


(They all laugh, except for Ethan, who just smiles)


KIMBERLY: Not everybody can be as football-centric as you are, Ethan.


ETHAN: Hey! I’m a politician, and nothing brings people together like love of sport. It allows us to awkward, misinformed one-way conversations with voters.


LUKE: Just like a politician. You Yankees think you have such a high degree of political acrimony here, but trust me, people HATE my Prime Minister across the pond. 33% approval ratings. He’s an arse, a pretty one, but still an arse.


KENNETH: So kind of like Kimberly’s.


(Kimberly, Luke, Kenneth and George laugh)


ETHAN: Excuse me?


KIMBERLY: Ethan, relax, it was a joke.


ETHAN: I know what it was. Hey Luke, funny story, did you know I’m the reason you were hired?


LUKE: What’s that?


KIMBERLY: Ethan, don’t do this.


ETHAN: Kimberly gave me two resumes, one was Doyle’s, one was yours, but I didn’t know that, I just chose the person most fit for the job and it was you. I wonder why she didn’t want me to know about you having applied there and why she wanted ME to make the decision to hire you, hmm?


KIMBERLY: Ethan, enough. You’re being petty.


ETHAN: Petty? Well, you, you, Christopher Hitchens-looking motherfucker-


GEORGE: I do see the resemblance.


(Ethan stands up)


ETHAN: And you Oscar-nominated guy whose clearly gained weight since Hamlet-


KENNETH: Fuck off, mate.


ETHAN: I will let my wife, who is obviously, her own woman, hire all of you as male strippers, but we might need a plus-sized tuxedo collar for you two fucks. Bye.


(Ethan walks away and out the door)


KIMBERLY: Oh my God, I am so sorry about that. He’s been very stressed managing the city after the riots, I think-


LUKE: No, it’s my fault, I shouldn’t have invited you. I was, trying to prove to Ethan and you, and myself, that things were platonic, but I should’ve just left it alone. I’m sorry.


KIMBERLY: No, it’s NOT your fault, this was nice until Ethan ruined it, let me go get him. (Kimberly gets up and walks out the door to see Ethan with his head against a brick wall) What the HELL was that?!


(Ethan turns around)


ETHAN: STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE ME!!! GODDAMNIT, IT MAKES IT SO MUCH WORSE! If you’re not having an affair with him, then stop TRYING so fucking hard to convince me you’re not!


KIMBERLY: MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST TRUST ME THEN! I feel like we have some fundamental trust issues here, Ethan!


ETHAN: Well, who’s fault is that?




ETHAN: Fine, but I’m not parading around my same-sex friends like you are.


KIMBERLY: Once you get ANY friends, just let me know.


(Kimberly goes into the house, leaving Ethan devastated emotionally. Ethan sinks down to the floor, sitting on the snow. Cut to Mayor Sarandon lying in his hospital bed)


MAYOR SARANDON: Oh, look at that, the Seahawks won.


(Cut to black)



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