The Donahues Episode 155

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
The artificial rivalry between Maps and Mazes and Depraved Hallway Fern briefly becomes real, but cooler heads prevail and both bands attempt to refocus their musical identities

Submitted: March 20, 2014

A A A | A A A

Submitted: March 20, 2014






“Now westward Sol had spent the richest beams of noon's high glory, when, hard by the streams of Tiber, on the scene of a green plat, under protection of an oak, there sat a sweet lute's master; in whose gentle airs he lost the day's heat, and his own hot cares”
- Richard Crashaw

(We start with Patrick White in a flight simulator with a pilot. He turns towards the camera)

PATRICK WHITE: The mysterious disappearance of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 has baffled authorities. What we know now however, is that the flight’s drastic change in direction was pre-programmed, and therefore, it was likely caused by either a very technically experienced hijacker or one or both of the pilots themselves. You see, I’m the co-pilot in this situation, and this IS NOT a simulation!

PILOT: Yes it is.

PATRICK: Quiet. Anyway, let’s say I ask the flight attendant for a cup of coffee-

(A busty flight attendant played by Fiona Cadbury walks in and hands him coffee)

FIONA: There you go, Mr. Co-Pilot.

PATRICK: Thank you, sweetheart. Now, let’s say, hypothetically, she splashes the coffee in my face- (The flight attendant picks up the cup, but Patrick stops her hand) Whoa, honey, you don’t have to demonstrate, just, relax. She’s a feisty one.

PILOT: Isn’t that your co-anchor?

PATRICK: Chill. Anyway, let’s say she splashes the coffee in my face and she hijacks the plane, okay, do I still bang her? There’s no time!

PILOT: Yeah, I say you don’t.

PATRICK: No time, right? Wrong. I do it anyway! Why? Because my wife will never know because I’ll be dead, and so will she, but, just for good measure, I’ll call her from the plane to let her know about the affair. (Patrick takes out his phone) Time out! Did that phone call I make cause the plane to go down? Whoa. We’ll get to that later.

FIONA: Back to the studio.

(Cut to Patrick and Fiona in the studio)

PATRICK: That was a great field piece, us.

FIONA: Indeed. All the coverage that’s been going on the past eight days has not been excessive and overly-speculative, because there’s just so many new developments.

PATRICK: For sure. In fact, we’re getting some breaking news right now.

(Dramatic “Breaking News” graphic)

ANNOUNCER: This, is Hansbay Five, breaking news.

(Cut back to Patrick and Fiona)

PATRICK: Yes, it appears that Malaysian Airlines has confirmed that they have still not found Flight 370.

FIONA: That’s too bad. You know, let’s take a page from CNN and “head to the couch”!

PATRICK: Yep, let’s do it!

(Fiona and Patrick get up and head over to a couch in the studio as a graphic comes up showing “To The Couch- Sponsored by BP!”. They get over to the couch, and it is in covered in oil)

FIONA: Damnit.

PATRICK: Yeah, we went a bit too far with the BP sponsorship. Um, we ruined the couch.

(A graphic comes up entitled “We Ruined The Couch! Sponsored by Bank of America”. Cut to Patrick and Fiona sitting in folding chairs near the oil-drenched couch. Ethan and some dude are also sitting themselves down on folding chairs near the oil-drenched couch. Stage hands move in a coffee table with four cups of coffee on it and they walk away)

ETHAN: These segments seem useless. Who is he?

PATRICK: Welcome to “We Ruined The Couch”, sponsored by Bank of America. And this is my cousin, he’s been demanding to come on my big news show for a while now, so I let him.

ETHAN: Oh, that’s nice of you.

PATRICK: So, let’s talk about this Malaysian Airlines Flight thing-

ETHAN: It’s a terrible tragedy.

PATRICK: Sorry, Mr. Donahue, I’ll start with Josh here-

ETHAN: Really?

PATRICK: Josh, what is your take on Flight 370?

JOSH: The what?

PATRICK: The, Malaysian Airlines flight that went, you know, under the radar.

JOSH: Well they should check under the radar then!

PATRICK: …I’m hugely regretting having you on, Josh.

ETHAN: I’ll jump in here. Flight 370 is still missing, we have very few answers, and we should just let the investigators do their work. In the meantime, we should pray for the families of the, probably victims of this horrific disaster.

FIONA: That’s fair. But Mr. Donahue, let’s talk about your gubernatorial campaign, it got off to a rocky start, but so far, you’re running unopposed in the Republican primary. However, you’re largely behind Governor Shumlin in polling. Does that discourage you?

ETHAN: Polls don’t concern me, at this point. November is far off, I think it may not even come around until the fall. So, we have time to cohesively articulate our vision for Vermont’s future to the voters.

PATRICK: Alright, well so far, one of your biggest problems has been your family-

ETHAN: They aren’t problems at all, I love them all to death.

PATRICK: Right, but the rumor that your wife had an extra-marital affair with the late would-be assassin of Mayor Sarandon was quite damning.

ETHAN: Damning, but completely baseless. My wife has always remained faithful to me during our twenty-one years of marriage. My son on the other hand…

FIONA: Yeah, I wanted to talk about that. Your son’s band, “Depraved Hallway Fern”, played at South By So What in Grand Prairie recently, and got positive reviews from participants.

ETHAN: Yeah, he’s very passionate about his music.

FIONA: And there is a line in one of his songs that I thought was interesting-

ETHAN: Oh, Jesus.

FIONA: (Fiona takes out a slip of paper and reads it) From the song “A String Quartet of Bad Behavior”, which he debuted at South by So What, the lyric goes “my hand emerges from the wall and grabs your fucking neck, doesn’t matter what you’re doing, who you’re with, who I’m fucking or why you’re pissed, you (screaming) COME TOWARDS MEEEEEEEE!!!! (Normal voice) And I envelope your goddamn life with my issues, I cut down the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house, but she died last week and I embalmed her with my blood”, I mean, those are graphic lyrics.

ETHAN: It’s insane that you actually screamed one of his lyrics, first off, secondly, I’d like to dispel some accusations you’ve made, Ryan’s grandmother, my mother, did not die last week and is in fact still alive, another thing, she doesn’t live down the river and through the woods, and if she did die, God forbid, we would not embalm her with blood. Especially not Ryan’s blood. In fact, blood is not even commonly used as an embalming fluid, that kind of job is, usually reserved for, well, embalming fluid, generally.

PATRICK: Right, you’re completely missing the point.

ETHAN: Am I? Because that’s terrific, can I get some milk in this coffee?

PATRICK: Yeah, sure.

(Patrick takes out milk and hands it to Ethan, but, he accidentally spills it)

ETHAN: Goddamnit. (Ethan stands the milk back up stands up) I’m so sorry.
PATRICK: That’s okay. This milk spill is sponsored by BP. Oh, shit.

FIONA: That was a poor sponsorship decision on our part.

PATRICK: Well, we have to go with it now. BP. The Spilled Milk Company.

(Shows a graphic showing the BP logo and the slogan “The Spilled Milk Company- Since 1909”. Cut back to Fiona, Patrick, Ethan and Josh)

FIONA: There we go.

(A BP executive walks in)

BP EXECUTIVE: Whoa, whoa, you can’t make marketing decisions for us!

PATRICK: You’re the Spilled Milk Company, it’s fine!

BP EXECUTIVE: It’s not fine, you’re, you’re using our logo! Defiling it! The lawsuit is pending!

FIONA: Oh, would “BP is a little girl” be better?

BP EXECUTIVE: What? Stop it!

PATRICK: Would you like us to use the slogan “BP is a whiny little girl about other people making their ad decisions”? Is that preferable to you guys?

BP EXECUTIVE: (Whiny voice) Stop it, you guys! You guys suck! We’re suing!

PATRICK: Uh! Listen to your voice!

FIONA: You’ve become a little girl!

BP EXECUTIVE: Damnit, I have!

ETHAN: Is someone going to clean up this milk?

(Cut to Maps and Mazes finishing a set at South By So What)

BRENNAN: (Screaming) PUSSYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!! (The song wraps up as cheering ensues) That one was for my biological dad. If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be here. My mom and dad died in a car crash shortly after I was born. (Audience goes “aww”) Yes, I know. But my dad lived a fast life. I was conceived in a hot tub and my dad was chomping on a cigar. Hell, I was even born in a hot tub and my mom was chomping on an epidural. This was back in the day when gynecologists would do hot tub calls. After my parents passed, another fellow adopted me and I’ve called him dad nearly all my life. And now I’m here. I got help along the way, but I never got free rides. That’s why I think it’s pathetic that Depraved Hallway Fern managed to afford the slot at South By So What only on the strength of Maynard Keenan’s dollar! (Audience gasps) That’s right, he paid for their plane ride because Ryan Donahue has “connections”. Plus, four established artists guest on one of the songs off his new album. So is he attracting attention because he’s a good artist or is it because some very popular musicians sampled on the song?

(The audience grumbles in agreement)

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Who were the other artists, Brennan?!

BRENNAN: I don’t want to tell you, you might buy it if I do. What’s important, is that Ryan is scraping by on his connections, not because of his talent. And that’s not what we at South By So What believe is right. And we stand on our principles. Right?! (Cheers and applause) Alright, so before Depraved Hallway Fern comes out, we’ll put on some intermission music and you guys can mosh to that.

(Brennan walks off stage as pleasant intermission music plays, and people start moshing. Cut to Brennan walking down at crowd-level. A bunch of fans run up to him. One of them, a white kid with short dirty blonde hair and a nose ring, runs up to him)

FAN: Oh my God, Brennan, I’m a huge fan! I never heard your music before today, but you guys are awesome!

BRENNAN: Thanks, man. You look sort of like me. What’s your name?

FAN: I’m Colton. Can you sign my shoe?

BRENNAN: …Your shoe?

COLTON: Yeah, check it out. (Colton points to his white shoes, showing they are already signed by others) Dangerkids already signed them.

BRENNAN: I almost feel like you’re asking me to bow down to you.

COLTON: Nah, nuqqa.

BRENNAN: Hey! I like this kid! Where’d you hear that word?

COLTON: I made it up. Nuqqa.

BRENNAN: Anybody have a pen?

(Colton hands Brennan a pen and Brennan takes it and gets down on his knees and signs Colton’s shoe)

COLTON: (Muttering) That’s right, bitch. Sign it.

BRENNAN: What was that?

COLTON: Nothing.

(Cut to Ryan and the rest of Depraved Hallway Fern backstage)

RYAN: We were put on blast hard out there. And it’s time for us to blast back. What do we got?

CHANCE: What do we have. (Chance takes a drag off a vape) Bitch.

MICHAEL: We have the fact that they’re total pussies. There’s something.

OLEANDER: I think we should focus on the fact that they themselves were helped by a total pussy. Namely, Joel Faviere. He got them the spot here at South By So What, remember?

RYAN: Oh yeah! They’re total hypocrites!

CHANCE: I think that’s a solid angle.

RYAN: That’s true. We could also talk about how weird Brennan’s nipples are.

MICHAEL: When have you seen Brennan’s nipples?

RYAN: Don’t be stupid. We weren’t swimming, I’ll tell you that.

MICHAEL: Ugh. Let’s not mention Brennan’s nipples.

RYAN: Alright. Let’s go out there and play a kick-ass show.

(A female adult in her early twenties with her hair in a bun walks over)


RYAN: Hi. (Pause) Can I help you?

FEMALE ADULT: My name’s Alya, I’m the sign language interpreter for your set.

RYAN: …How the hell would deaf people be able to see you if they aren’t right in the front of the crowd? There aren’t huge screens or anything!

ASL INTERPRETER: South By So What is aware of this. But, they’re paying me, so, let’s get on stage so I can get the bread I deserve.

RYAN: They’re paying you in bread?

ASL INTERPETER: They’re paying me in fat stacks! Of bread!

RYAN: Whatever, let’s just get out there. (Ryan, Michael, Oleander, Chance and Alya walk on stage as part of the crowd cheers and part of it boos. Ryan takes the mic as the rest set up their equipment and Alya stands attentively on the side of the stage and signs whenever Ryan talks) Alright, calm down, everyone- (Horrible mic feedback) who pressed the mic feedback button?! Anyway, listen, I know some of you in this crowd believe we’re as shitty as classic rock, but let me assure you- (The crowd boos) yes, go ahead and boo Classic Rock. They deserve it. (Boos envelope the crowd for a little while. As the boos die down, Ryan takes the microphone back) Did that feel good? (They cheer) Alright, good. Now, that being said, I would like to point something out. Former Get Scared frontman Joel Faviere is the ONLY reason that Maps and Mazes got a spot here at South By So What!

(Audience gasps)

CROWD MEMBER: Who’s Joel Faviere?

RYAN: Like I said, he’s the former Get Scared frontman. I mean, why do you think Warren Peace is their drummer?! Because Maps and Mazes was coddled along by Joel Faviere!

CROWD MEMBER: That bastard! But who is he again?

RYAN: I’m not going to explain for a third time! And listen, there’s nothing wrong with Joel Faviere helping out Maps and Mazes, unless you put us on blast for having been helped by established artists! Then, that is, on its face, the heighth of hypocrisy. That’s all I have to say. But, I have one more thing to say. Let’s hope this day doesn’t get partially rained out like yesterday, huh? (Cheering) Hopefully next year we won’t do it outside again. Alright, let’s play- (A concert organizer whispers in Ryan’s ear) oh. Okay. Um, I just received confirmation that 2015’s Spring Break South By So What will once again be here at Quiktrip Park.

(The audience groans as the concert organizer runs off the stage)


RYAN: On that note, let’s play “Pain Pen”. (They start playing, and Ryan begins singing) Dariiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing, it’s not easy anymore, I drive you crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy and it strikes at your scented core, and I BELIEVE that your RETREAT into your pain pen isn’t due to me, I BELIEVE that it’s your ONLY reprieve from NOT seeing me and I’m WICKED NAÏVE but I’m not going to leave- (Cut to Maynard Keenan in a hotel room, watching Ryan’s South By So What performance of “Pain Pen” on YouTube. This part of the song is so heavy and fast that the ASL interpreter is having a hard time keeping up with signing the lyrics, and is also having a hard time staying on stage) PAIN PEN, PAIN PEN, NOT ANOTHER PAIN PEN, THROW SOME ROCKS IN THE PEN, PLAY WITH THEM- (Lone screaming) PLAY WITH THEM! (Instrumentals and screaming) PAIN PEN! PAIN PEN! JUST ANOTHER PAIN PEN-

(The vibrations from the music send the ASL interpreter careening off stage, into the crowd)


(Danny walks up from behind Maynard)

DANNY: Are they doing well?

RYAN: PAIN PEN! PAIN PEN! HERE’S ANOTHER PAIN PEN! TAME HIM! TAME HIM! Tame HIM, tame HIM, PAIN pen, PAIN pen! PAIN pen! Pain PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!! (The crowd cheers as the performance wraps up) Where did that chick go?

(Maynard pauses it and turns to Danny)

MAYNARD: They’re doing more than well, they rocked the ASL interpreter OFF the stage! And they probably also gave her a lot of new business!

DANNY: Probably.

MAYNARD: But they dissed Maps and Mazes at the beginning, because some musician I’ve never heard of named Joel Faviere booked their spot at the concert. I think South By So What has them engaged in a diss war, because I saw in another video Maps and Mazes blasted them because I paid for their flights there and back.

DANNY: That’s cheap.

MAYNARD: It is cheap. But I’m beginning to think I should let DHF be. They’re losing punk cred or whatever because I’m helping them. And they can be successful on their own. Plus, if I focus on this band rather than the Tool album for much longer, Volcano Entertainment’s going to shorten the time limit on the production of the next album from fifty to twenty-five years.

DANNY: What are we thinking of calling it?

MAYNARD: I was thinking, “The Best of Tool, 1993-2006”. You know, just to scare people into thinking it’s a compilation album.

DANNY: You asshole.

(Maynard laughs. Cut to Brennan, Eric, Gwen and Warren in the bus. Brennan is holding a wine glass with water in it)

BRENNAN: We really should’ve seen the Joel Faviere thing coming.

ERIC: Yeah, we sort of goofed up there. Luckily though, almost nobody knows who Joel Faviere is, so it doesn’t make as much of an impression.

BRENNAN: I know, I’m just…I’m angry.

(Brennan squeezes the glass so hard that it breaks)


ERIC: What the fuck? How the fuck?

BRENNAN: Don’t worry, it was sugar glass.

GWEN: I don’t think it was, man! You’re bleeding!

BRENNAN: is this my blood?

(Brennan tastes the blood on his hand)

ERIC: Ugh!

BRENNAN: There’d be no way of being sure.

(Joel Faviere comes onto the bus and closes the door)

JOEL: Hey, guys-

(Brennan, Eric, Gwen and Warren stand up)


BRENNAN: HOLY SHIT, JOEL FAVIERE! What’s up, bro?! Thanks so much for this sick gig!

JOEL: Yeah, two problems with this sick gig though, I inadvertently made you more famous than I’ve ever been, and also, they’re accusing me of coddling you guys to fame.

BRENNAN: Those two statements are conflicting.

JOEL: I know.

WARREN: Remember the times we spent together, man? That time we robbed a fireworks stand?

JOEL: Dude, relax, I was in Get Scared for like ten months, and you definitely weren’t in it when I was.

ERIC: You robbed a fireworks stand?


ERIC: I wasn’t asking you, did you both fireworks stand?

JOEL: Who hasn’t robbed a fireworks stand? But anyway, do you want me to back off from Maps and Mazes due to the bad press, bro?

BRENNAN: What? Joel, I couldn’t live without you!

JOEL: This is your first time meeting me.

BRENNAN: But I’ve listened to your music for, like, months! “The War Against Ourselves” made me decided to never start cutting myself!

JOEL: Oh really? That song was more about treating the symptom, it wasn’t really a preventative thing.

BRENNAN: Just, trust me, we can keep on with your influence.

GWEN: Now hold on, Brennan.

BRENNAN: What, Cody?

WARREN: I thought his name was Gwen.

GWEN: No, it’s Cody now. I figured I’d stop naming myself after established musicians and just stick with my real name.

WARREN: Oh. Good call.

CODY: Anyway, Brennan, we can’t look like hypocrites. If there’s one thing corporate-sponsored Punk events hate, it’s hypocrisy.

JOEL: That is true.

BRENNAN: Ugh…you’re right. Well, Joel. It’s been amazing knowing you, for this brief period. I hope we keep in touch. And I hope we can work together once we’ve gotten big on our own.

JOEL: Look around, Brennan. You’re already there.

(Brennan hugs Joel)

BRENNAN: I’m gonna miss you, man.

JOEL: I hope you get everything you need.

(Joel and Brennan stop hugging and Brennan looks at his wrist to see it is bleeding)

BRENNAN: Did you cut me?


(Joel runs off the bus)

BRENNAN: Shit, I need his music more than ever. Sly dog.

(Brennan turns to Eric, Cody and Warren)

ERIC: Here’s something else to consider. DHF rocked so hard today that the ASL interpreter fell off the stage. I mean, holy shit.

BRENNAN: …How old was she?

(Cut to Ryan, Michael, Chance and Oleander backstage)

RYAN: That was INSANE!

OLEANDER: We rocked like beasts out there!

MICHAEL: And that chick fell off the stage! We didn’t even realize it!

RYAN: Was she okay?

CHANCE: Yeah, she just got moshed like everyone else. The mosh has her now.

MICHAEL: Do you think we defused the situation with Maps and Mazes well enough though? Because those assholes seem to have an idea that just because we’re lucky enough to have awesome connections that that somehow makes us, like, less valid musically which is completely fucking void of logic and it, like, I don’t know, it just makes me mad, but I know there are dipshits out there who will, like, buy into that kind of thing and-

RYAN: Talking, way too fast. And using way more words than is necessary.

MICHAEL: I’m just, flustered!

RYAN: I know. But, we evened the playing ground. So now we can just go home on Maynard’s dollar, and claim success for our careers. Although I want to see Michele before we leave.

OLEANDER: She’s the girl you had sex with?

RYAN: Yeah. It was, so beautiful. And even though I’m pretty sure I messed up my neck by fucking on and sleeping on a bus seat, I’m only going to make her pay for part of my physical therapy. I mean, after all, we are going to have sex every time I’m in Texas. So, she owes me that.

MICHAEL: How often are you in Texas?

RYAN: Oh, I’m going here all the time now. Let’s have our next ten shows here.

(Cut to Brennan on the bus with Alya, the ASL interpreter. The windows are blacked out)

BRENNAN: …So…are you okay?

ALYA: Yeah, I’m fine. I crowd surfed, for a while, actually.

(Brennan walks up to Alya)

BRENNAN: Yeah, I saw that. It was cute.

ALYA: Was it now?

BRENNAN: Yeah, it was.

ALYA: Well…I think your tank top is cute.

BRENNAN: Thanks. I don’t like to wear it all the time though, because my nipples are, weird.

ALYA: They are?

BRENNAN: Yeah, they, uh-

(Alya pulls down Brennan’s tank top to reveal Brennan’s nipples are question marks)

ALYA: They’re question marks!

BRENNAN: Yep, they’re question marks. Want to know the answer, babe?

ALYA: Uh, sure.

BRENNAN: The answer is- (Brennan’s eyes widen) I’m The Riddler. You’re the hero, and I’m the enemy.

ALYA: …So…the answer to this question wasn’t even sexual?

BRENNAN: Nope. I’m just The Riddler. In fact, (Brennan turns away from Alya) I am actually the enemy. All I do is go around and…hurt people.

ALYA: What do you mean?

BRENNAN: I just, keep, falling in love with people and then abandoning them once I get bored. You don’t want to go near this, this, Riddler.

ALYA: I think I do.

(Alya steps forward and puts her hands on Brennan’s back)

BRENNAN: Don’t do that, I have no will power, okay? We shouldn’t do anything, you’re twice my age.

ALYA: Are you implying I’m thirty-six? Because you’re way off.

BRENNAN: …I never said I was good at math.

ALYA: I’m only twenty-three. And I really enjoyed your performance today.

BRENNAN: …Thank you. People say DHF beat us today.

ALYA: No, no way. They nearly killed me.

(Brennan turns to Alya and starts making out with her. Cut to Ryan on Facebook on his phone backstage. He looks up “Michele Earthman” and sees no results. Ryan furrows his brow and looks up “Michelle Earthman” and it returns no results. He then looks up “Michele Earthmann” and the only result that is returned is Michelle Reed. Ryan closes his eyes and puts away his phone. Michael walks over)

MICHAEL: You ready to go?

RYAN: Yeah, let’s head out.

(Ryan picks up his bags and they walk away. Cut to Ryan and Michael on the plane, going back home. Ryan is looking out the window)

MICHAEL: Can you believe Brennan stabbed us in the dick like that after all these years of friendship and one night in a barn full of sucking and fucking?

RYAN: Uh, we stabbed him in the dick too. We were told to, and we sold albums as a result. All in all, this was a huge success, Madame Negative.

MICHAEL: Yeah, it was a success. I agree, it’s just, I wish we could’ve resolved to lay off each other. But, once the shots were fired, we had to return fire or otherwise we’d be pussies.

RYAN: Women are cowardly.

MICHAEL: Pardon?

RYAN: Nothing, listen, just, let me stare at the clouds.

MICHAEL: What’s out there?

(Chance leans over the seat with his vape in his hand)

CHANCE: The clouds, man, I wish you could do acid on planes so the clouds could just enchant you, you know?

RYAN: Speaking of which, you cannot use an e-cigarette on a plane!

CHANCE: I can step outside.

RYAN: No. You can’t.

(A stewardess walks over)

STEWARDESS: Excuse me.

CHANCE: What, bitch? Did you fart? Because that’s the REAL nuisance on this plane!

(Chance inhales his e-cig and blows the e-smoke in the stewardess’ face while bobbing his head side to side, squinting with his hands in the air. Ryan and Michael look embarrassed)

RYAN: I’m so sorry, ma’am, he’ll put it up-

STEWARDESS: No, it’s okay. I deserved that.

RYAN: How?

(The stewardess takes the e-cig, inhales and then exhales the e-smoke)

STEWARDESS: What flavor is that?

CHANCE: Molten Strawberry.

STEWARDESS: Hmm. I love flavors that aren’t actually real.

CHANCE: I also have schnozzberry and lead flavors.

(Cut to Ryan, Jacob, Ethan and Kimberly in their living room)

KIMBERLY: I thought it was all very impressive, Ryan.

ETHAN: Yes. The music I don’t care for, but I appreciate the extra income you’re bringing into the campaign.

RYAN: I am not giving your campaign a cut, dad.

ETHAN: If your daddy’s the Governor, he can get you out of all the legal problems likely to present themselves in the next ten years of your career.

RYAN: Why only ten years?

ETHAN: Or, however much longer it takes.

RYAN: Takes to what?

ETHAN: Just move on.

(Someone knocks on the door)

RYAN: Who’s that?

KIMBERLY: It could be our neighbors, they’re these weird people who are trying to bring back neighborliness.

ETHAN: I’ll get it.

(Ethan gets up and walks to the door and opens it. He sees Maynard Keenan standing there, wearing a cowboy hat)


ETHAN: Hello there. How can I help you?

MAYNARD: I’m Maynard James Keenan, I’m here to talk to your son. You must be his father?

ETHAN: Oh yeah, you’re the guy who paid for his plane ticket, RYAN! JAMES MAYNARD IS HERE TO SEE YOU!

MAYNARD: Maynard James Keenan.

ETHAN: Who spells out their full name when introducing themselves, by the way?

MAYNARD: Who doesn’t say their name at all?

ETHAN: ...I’m Ethan.

MAYNARD: Pleasure.

(Ryan walks over)

RYAN: Maynard! I thought James Maynard was here, not MJK himself! What’s up, man?

MAYNARD: May I come in?

ETHAN: Of course.

MAYNARD: I have a lot of security detail, so just, be aware.

(Maynard walks in and closes the door)

ETHAN: Where are they?

MAYNARD: They’re my blue belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I’ll put somebody into a rear-naked chokehold.

RYAN: You’re forty-nine, right? And you only have a blue belt in Jiu-Jitsu?

MAYNARD: You’ll be first.

ETHAN: What can we do for you, Mr. James?

MAYNARD: Right, I’m on my way to Mexico City for a Tool show, and before I went there, I wanted to stop by to tell you something.

RYAN: On your way to Mexico City, you made a stop in Vermont?

MAYNARD: Uh-huh.  By the way, Mr. Donahue, would you mind?

ETHAN: Why do I have to leave?

MAYNARD: You don’t have to, I’m just saying, it’d be weird if you didn’t leave right now.

ETHAN: I say, always act as if your elders are five feet away.

RYAN: Then when could I masturbate?

ETHAN: Turns out you were right, Maynard.

(Ethan walks away)

MAYNARD: Anyway, I don’t think you should release our recording of “Televising Cremations”.

RYAN: …What?


RYAN: Why wouldn’t we? That was an amazing track and you guys sang your little hearts out!

MAYNARD: Yes, but, you were right. I was trying to take over your band, to make it a subsidiary of Keenan International. We have bands in every corner of the world, and it’s all to support my Attention Deficit Disorder. So I’m constantly doing vocals for these other bands, when I’m not selling my highly-reviewed wine, but I had never done a hostile takeover before, and, I have to say, I’m not a fan of it. I think I should release you from my grasp. Especially since I was this close to firing Chance.

RYAN: I’ve almost been there a couple times too, Maynard. But, you never owned our band, you just, helped us out.

MAYNARD: And I should’ve let you guys get somewhere on your own.

RYAN: Are you breaking up with us?

MAYNARD: Ryan, Ryan, Ryan- (Maynard gets down on knee, and is now eye-level with Ryan’s crotch and he painstakingly puts his hand on Ryan’s shoulder) just remember that-

RYAN: Maynard, I’m as tall as you and I’m eighteen.

MAYNARD: Fine, hold on. (Maynard stands back up and he tousles Ryan’s hair) There we go. Anyway, sometimes you have to learn the cold reality of the music industry. It will eat you like a five dollar whore and spit you out like a whore worth 4.99. The only difference is you’ll need a whole lot more than 4.99 to pay for STD treatments.

RYAN: What are you saying?

MAYNARD: I’m saying you shouldn’t release our version of Televising Cremations, and that we should limit our cooperation. For now.

RYAN: …If that’s what you want. I guess we could re-record it. Chance would jump at the opportunity to actually drum on that track, so…

MAYNARD: See? There’s a silver lining. One of some silver linings that I’m sure you’ll be able to conjure up.

RYAN: One of some. That’s the thirteenth track.

MAYNARD: ‘Kay, I expect royalties on that.

(Ryan laughs)

RYAN: Yeah.

MAYNARD: Good luck, Ryan. I have to head to Mexico City, you guys have a subway here, right?

RYAN: In Burlington, but it doesn’t go to Mexico City.

MAYNARD: Right, but-

RYAN: Neither does our airport.

MAYNARD: Damnit. Well. Happy Saint Patrick’s Day.

RYAN: Oh yeah, I guess it is, that. (Maynard shakes Ryan’s hand) You know? You’re the only person I’ve ever seen who looks good with a cowboy hat.

MAYNARD: That’s because- (They unclasp hands) it’s more of a rancher hat than anything else. And I own a ranch. You should come to it some time, kid.

RYAN: It’s always a good idea to go to ranches owned by famous musicians. So yeah, I’ll check it out.

(Maynard smiles)

MAYNARD: I think that’s my cue.

(Maynard walks out the door and shuts it as Ryan smiles. Cut to Ryan, Chance, Michael and Oleander in a field. Ryan is holding a CD)

MICHAEL: Why are we doing this, man, that CD is our ticket to the shekels!

RYAN: There are other ways of gaining our share of the Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy’s prized shekels. And we need to do it on our own. Chance, hand me your lighter so I can burn this CD. I just want to say for the record, I did not mean that to be a joke!

CHANCE: I still hate you for it.

RYAN: Terrific, just someone hand me a lighter!

(Oleander hands Ryan a blow torch)


(Ryan looks confusingly at Oleander, but takes the blow torch and throws the CD on the ground and begins burning it to a crisp)

MICHAEL: Fuck, man. There’s no copies of that!

CHANCE: At least I get to drum on the track now.

OLEANDER: And I’ll get to dance on this track.

RYAN: …How would they hear that?

OLEANDER: Tap shoes.

RYAN: Okay, no, and also, you’re playing guitar, so definitely not. Let’s go and re-record this track. Is Winslow on duty?

CHANCE: We can sneak into the studio if he’s sleeping, what the hell does he do anyway?

RYAN: Good point.

CHANCE: But he does sleep on a rolly chair in his foyer, so we’d have to be quiet.

RYAN: Like a security guard?

CHANCE: Yeah, it’s weird.

(Cut to Trey Goodlatte on his computer at his house. Colleen is sitting behind him, watching)

TREY: Fuck your Pinterest shit, Colleen, that’s for gay fags.

COLLEEN: You seem to like the Apple Fritters I made.

(Colleen holds up a plate with an Apple covered in apple sauce on it)

TREY: That’s because you did a good job, but usually it’s for homos! God, Colleen!

COLLEEN: Thank you. And if Pinterest sucks so much, what is better?

TREY: Tumblr is the shit. Check out this Groupie Dirt Tumblr, babe.

COLLEEN: What is it?

TREY: It’s where groupies share stories of their sexual experiences with famous musicians, it’s pretty hilarious. Look at this, “Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor is ‘cool but neurotic,’ says a groupie who had him and rated the experience an ‘8’ on a scale of 1 to 10. He likes threesomes with two women and has been known to use candles as sex toys. We hear he’s quite the dildo connoisseur. He also likes role-playing. We also hear Trent likes to be dominated once in a while and has ‘mommy issues.’ His penis is reportedly about 7.5 inches.” HA! Candles?! Fucking candles?! What, does he make the girls dress up as Lumiere the candle stick from Beauty and the Beast-Colleen, would you dress up as Lumiere from the Beauty and the Beast?

COLLEEN: Is that Beauty?

TREY: …Yes.

COLLEEN: Then yeah, I would.

TREY: Cool. I love you, chick. What else? (Trey scrolls up) Oh, a new post. Depraved Hallway Fern? What the hell is-oh my God.


TREY: Ryan’s band!

COLLEEN: Holy shit, what does it say?

TREY: It says “DHF frontman Ryan Donahue-

(Cut to Chris Hayes reading his laptop in the cafeteria, by himself)

CHRIS HAYES: “and I had sex on a bus, and he loves to be submissive. He has a habit of acting like a helpless little boy during sex, he was basically asking me to molest him. Scratch that, he was begging me to molest him. ‘Molest me’ were his exact words”. Maybe if I tell people about this hilarious dirt on Ryan, they’ll sit over here more often. Yeah.

(Chris Hayes starts nodding. Cut to Madeline on her laptop at home, scrolling through the Groupie Dirt Tumblr)

MADELINE: Let’s see what we have here- (She looks closely at the page) nope. (Madeline backs away) Nope. (Madeline closes her laptop and stands up) Nope.

(Madeline walks away. Cut to Samuel on his phone walking through the hallways, reading the Tumblr)

SAMUEL: “Brennan Sanford of Maps and Mazes has a considerable ego, but his dick does not back it up”. (Samuel laughs, then keeps reading) “At just under five inches, when erect, Sanford’s son is not particularly impressive, and neither is how quickly he was ‘cummin’ Elizabeth’”. Is that supposed to be a reference to something? Because I don’t get it.

(Cut to Coin in a class room, reading the Tumblr off her phone to students)

COIN: “Brennan has question marks for nipples and loves batman role play”.

(Coin and the rest of the students in the class crack up, and we zoom out to reveal the teacher is laughing as well. Cut to Ryan reading the Tumblr on his phone in the KDGM room)

RYAN: “Ryan’s role play of choice involved me stabbing him and fucking the wound with a strap-on. When I refused, he fingered the wound in front of me and told me to kiss him while he did it.” Jesus Christ.

(Zoom out to show Davis is sitting right there)

DAVIS: You realize I heard all that, right?

RYAN: You probably already had heard it from someone else.

DAVIS: I did, but that’s not the point.

RYAN: My life…is ruin.

(Chance comes in)

CHANCE: It shouldn’t be. I learned a long time ago to not give a fuck what anybody thinks.

RYAN: Maybe you should sometimes.

CHANCE:  But then I will all the time. It’s all or nothing.

(Brennan runs in)


RYAN: Dude, you’re not allowed to be in here! What do you want?!

(Brennan takes out his phone and starts reading from it)

BRENNAN: “Brennan likes-“

RYAN: Don’t read it out loud!

BRENNAN: Oh, so you’ve seen it?!

RYAN: Yes! I have one too!

BRENNAN: Oh. (Brennan puts away his phone) Really?

RYAN: Yeah. We’re in the same boat. It’s embarrassing as all hell. I thought the two of us really had a connection.

BRENNAN: Me too, man! But then she comes out with this shit! She even posted an ASL video of her describing the positions we were in!

RYAN: Wait, you fucked our ASL interpreter?

BRENNAN: She was upset because you rocked her off the stage! What was I to do?

RYAN: Ugh… (Ryan gets up) you know.

(Ryan takes Chance’s e-cig)


RYAN: People have thought of me as a weird, gay emo kid for the past four years. So what does this article change?

BRENNAN: Yeah, dude, you’re fine, it’s ME we have to worry about!

RYAN: Brennan, you’ve been known as a promiscuous douchebag for the past, I want to say, six months, so what does this change for you?

BRENNAN: Now they’ll think I’m Batman! Holy shit. (Brennan smiles) Now they’ll think I’m Batman.

(Brennan starts nodding his head. Ryan looks confused)

RYAN: Um…if that’ll get you over this, I guess I’ll let you run with it.

(Chance takes back his e-cig)

BRENNAN: By the way, I’m beginning to think that the whole conflict thing at South By So What was just dumb. We should let the music dictate our shows, not manufactured conflict.

RYAN: I agree, man. Hell, you should guest vocalize on “Televising Cremations”. That would be great, and as long as your fan base doesn’t touch mine, we should be good.

BRENNAN: I’ll keep them at bay.

RYAN: Alright then.

(Ryan and Brennan get up and hug one another)

CHANCE: Well, I guess I’ll be off.

(Chance leaves the room)

RYAN: Why didn’t that chick make a bigger deal about your question mark nipples?

BRENNAN: Yeah, I don’t know, it was weird.

(Cut to black)


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