The Donahues Episode 159

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Brennan tries to help Coin call off her engagement, Jacob deals with an asshole professor and Ryan must catch up in school as he approaches graduation

Submitted: April 19, 2014

A A A | A A A

Submitted: April 19, 2014









“Showered with rights from birth and even to the last breath. I also impose upon myself these obligations: that I be not another burden to your suffering. That I be but a gentle wind passing, touching your hair with the comfort. A body with the limitations of my skin so my bones may not fall before you”

  • Richard S. Bastasa


(We start with Ryan in his economics class as Mr. Johnson lectures)


MR. JOHNSON: Alright, so in microeconomics, there are a number of factors that can impact a company’s bottom line. Wages, resource costs, technology, things of that nature. But another thing that can impact a micro economy is a recall. Who’s heard of some recent recalls in the news?


(Everybody has blank stares, except for Ryan, who looks around and raises his hand)


RYAN: I have.


MR. JOHNSON: Look at that. Ryan’s heard of one. This is what I’m talking about kids, we have to know this stuff as adults, what is being recalled, Ryan?


RYAN: Chevy Cobalts, mostly. They have faulty ignition switches that can turn the car off mid-drive.


(Several people in the class turn to Ryan)




RYAN: Yeah, even though Chevy knew about this defect for thirteen years, they didn’t recall the cars until this year because their bottom line would be impacted.


MR. JOHNSON: As a result, thirteen people have died. They don’t have to compensate victim’s families either, because any negligence that happened prior to their 2009 bankruptcy, you know, doesn’t count.


RYAN: And to think that initially their advice was to get lighter key chains.


MR. JOHNSON: Yep, that’s right. Which is bad news for people like me, who have heavy key chains- (Mr. Johnson picks up a  large key chain with a car key, a house key and a catfish hanging off of it) like this. I keep a fish on there to ward off the homosexuals who always seem to hit on me.


RYAN: Yeah, I wonder why.


MR. JOHNSON: Pardon?


RYAN: Nothing.


MR. JOHNSON: Well…as I was saying, negative externalities can make a company look bad, and then what happens to demand?


RYAN: It decreases.


MR. JOHNSON: Sorry, can someone else besides Ryan answer these very simple questions?


BROWN-HAIRED KID: It decreases!


MR. JOHNSON: Thank you, Justin, finally, someone else steps up to the plate.


JUSTIN; Thank you.


RYAN: All he did was repeat what I said!

MR. JOHNSON: Well, that concludes our notes for today. What time is it?


JUSTIN: 12:48.


MR. JOHNSON: Justin’s on fire!

JUSTIN: Hell yeah!


RYAN: ‘Kay.


MR. JOHNSON: Um, we have like fifteen minutes left, but you guys can go ahead and go, just don’t do backflips down the hall or anything.


(Light chuckling as people pack up. People start to shuffle out)


JUSTIN: Bye, Mr. J.


RYAN: Bye, Mr. J.


MR. JOHNSON: Goodbye, kids.


(Cut to Ryan walking down the hallway with his backpack, listening to “Smashed Into Pieces” by Silverstein. He walks past Principal Duron, but Principal Duron pulls him back by the shoulder and Ryan takes out his headphones)


RYAN: Yes sir?


PRINCIPAL DURON: Hey Ryan. Mind telling me where you’re coming from, exactly?


RYAN: Oh. Geez. Do I have to tell you?


PRINCIPAL DURON: Your job depends on it.


RYAN: I don’t have a job, here.


PRINCIPAL DURON: Sorry, I meant my job depends on it.


RYAN: …Well…



RYAN: Mr. Johnson’s room. We came from there.


PRINCIPAL DURON: …Interesting. Carry on.


(Principal Duron lets go of Ryan and walks down the hallway as Ryan looks behind him)


RYAN: Shit.


(Ryan walks down the hallway. Cut to Mr. Johnson behind his desk on his computer. Principal Duron comes in and Mr. Johnson tenses up as he looks toward Principal Duron)


MR. JOHNSON: Hello, sir.


PRINCIPAL DURON: Hello, Mr. Johnson.


MR. JOHNSON: How can I help you, sir?


(Principal Duron looks at a poster of the Mona Lisa on his wall)


PRINCIPAL DURON: Interesting piece of art.


MR. JOHNSON: Uh…yeah, it’s the most famous piece of art, ever.


PRINCIPAL DURON: Curious that an economics teacher would have a painting on his wall.


MR. JOHNSON: I’m also an art history teacher.


(Principal Duron sits in front of Mr. Johnson’s desk)


PRINCIPAL DURON: That’s awfully convenient.


MR. JOHNSON: Yeah, I can teach one class valuable information they’ll need to know and take a break from that in the next class.


PRINCIPAL DURON: Oh, very cheeky. But care to explain why your class isn’t here right now? (Mr. Johnson lowers his head in shame) You can’t just pretend to be dead to get out of this!

(Mr. Johnson lifts his head, confused-looking)


MR. JOHNSON: Um, well I’m sorry that I-


PRINCIPAL DURON: Oh my God, he’s dead.




(Mr. Johnson rests his head on the desk as if he is dead. Principal Duron stands up, clearly shaken, and then grabs the Mona Lisa poster off of the wall and runs out of the class room. Cut to Brennan standing in the hallway with Coin during a passing period as Ryan approaches)



COIN: No, don’t!

RYAN: What the hell? (Ryan arrives at Brennan and Coin’s location) Since when do you two talk to one another?


BRENNAN: Since I saw that on her finger.


(Ryan looks at Coin’s ring finger. It has an engagement ring on it)


RYAN: What the fuck?


(Coin laughs)


COIN: Ryan, relax, I’m just engaged!

RYAN: That’s supposed to relax me?! (Ryan squats and puts his head in his hands) Oh my God, Coin…


(Coin pats Ryan’s head while laughing)


COIN: Ryan, come on, it’s all going to be fine!


BRENNAN: Are you sure about that?


(Ryan stands up)


RYAN: How, who and why?


COIN: All three of those questions are unimportant, okay?


RYAN: Those are the three MOST important questions, actually! Followed by “are you fucking kidding me?” and “why?!”


COIN: You already said why!


RYAN: It bears repeating!


BRENNAN: It’s some black marine she knows.


COIN: Brennan!


RYAN: A black marine?


COIN: That’s racist!


RYAN: What?! How old is he?


COIN: He’s not a day over twenty.


RYAN: Dear God.


BRENNAN: How long have you known him again?


COIN: Three years, but I didn’t start having sex with him until two months ago. Immediately after we broke up.


BRENNAN: Oh, of course.


RYAN: Usually rebound relationships don’t turn into rebound marriages, Coin. You are eighteen years old!


COIN: Yeah, but he left his girlfriend of five years for me! I mean, how can I say no to that?


BRENNAN: Sorry, he left his girlfriend of five years two months ago to be with you or he-


COIN: Just left his girlfriend of five years to be with me.


RYAN: So he’s been cheating on his girlfriend with you for the last two months.


COIN: How romantic is that?!


RYAN: It’s less romantic and more “hey, if he’s willing to cheat on her, what’s stopping him from cheating on me?”




COIN: He’s not like that, though! I’m the only girl he’s ever cheated with.


RYAN: I can guarantee you that’s bullshit. Why would you trust a cheater?


 BRENNAN: Seriously, why would you? Did you learn nothing from me?


COIN: Evidently not.


RYAN: Here’s another question, why’d you say yes?


COIN: Well, in the hours leading up to it, he was acting really weird and, like, childish, like he was eating his soup with a fork, he kept pouting and walking away from me, so I had to lead him back to me like he’s five years old, and then he insisted on wearing a bib.


RYAN: These are all reasons one would say “no”.


COIN: Perhaps, but it’s just that, he’s so nice!


RYAN: So is, Eeyore.


BRENNAN: Fuck that, Eeyore’s a asshole, Batman is nice.


RYAN: Why are you obsessed with Batman?


BRENNAN: He needs his due every once and again.


COIN: I just, couldn’t say no, I felt obligated since he went to all that trouble.


RYAN: Coin, it’s your life! You shouldn’t feel obligated to marry anyone!


COIN: Oh, I know, I want to, I guess, I just…


BRENNAN: Do we have to spell it out for you?


COIN: Well…you guys call the engagement off then, I’m tired of texting his child-like ass.


(Coin tosses Brennan her phone as she sits on the ground with her back against the wall)


BRENNAN: Uh, okay!

RYAN: This should be fun.


BRENNAN: You have him as “Eeyore” in your phone!

COIN: It’s because he was being a pouty little bitch last night!


(Cut to Patrick White and Fiona Cadbury delivering the news)


PATRICK WHITE: The identity of the suspect in the shootings at the Jewish Center in Kansas City over the weekend is Frazier Glenn Miller Junior.


(Cut to that on a TV in a CCV classroom with Jacob, a male professor and other students in it. The black board reads “April 14, 2014” and “Professor Minahan”. Professor Minahan turns off the TV)


JACOB: ‘Course, Frazier Glenn Miller, I knew it would be him.


(Jacob shrugs and throws his hands up)


PROFESSOR MINAHAN: This tragedy comes just two days before the Boston Bombing anniversary. These are crimes. Just like the woman that threw a shoe at Hillary Clinton. I mean, that’s a crime in the state she was in, southern states have fuzzier laws regarding whether it’s illegal or not to throw a shoe at Hillary Clinton. It’s sort of ambiguous. But regardless, all of these are crimes, for the most part. And crimes, are exactly what investigators are supposed to solve. What are some of the tools investigators use to solve these crimes, hmm? (A couple students raise their hands) Yes, unibrow?


(Everybody looks around)


STUDENT: There is no one with a unibrow in here.


PROFESSOR MINIHAN: Yeah, but someone who sits in your desk in another class has a unibrow, so it’s easier for me to nickname all of you physically unremarkable kids based on the most distinctive physical characteristic of other students who sit where you sit in different class periods, make sense?


STUDENT: Complete sense, thank you.




(Some kid wearing a baseball cap looks up)


ZACHARY: Uh-huh?


PROFESSOR MINIHAN: What are my two rules in here?


ZACHARY: Oh. Sorry.


(Zachary takes off his hat)


PROFESSOR MINIHAN: Come on, people. I laid this out at the beginning of the year. I have two simple rules. No hats and NO swirls! Got it?


(People look around confusedly)


JACOB: I guess.


ZACHARY: Swirls?


PROFESSOR MINIHAN: Sorry, what were we talking about?


STUDENT 2: Tools investigators use to solve crimes, like blood spatter analysis, fingerprinting, evidence tampering-


PROFESSOR MINIHAN: Stop, what was the second thing you said?


STUDENT 2: Fingerprinting.


PROFESSOR MINIHAN: Precisely. I want all of you to do a comprehensive research paper about fingerprinting. The process, the application, the history, the regulations, court admissibility, everything you can find. And I want this the next time I see you. And I will not settle for a half-assed essay, either. And if you want extra credit points, burn off your fingerprints with acid and show me.


STUDENT 3: I don’t want to do that.


PROFESSOR MINIHAN: I did. (Professor Minihan shows his fingers are wrapped in bandages) And I have to tell you, they grow back the exact same, so don’t try stealing something with burnt-off fingerprints, it’s not worth it.


JACOB: Why couldn’t you just use gloves?


PROFESSOR MINIHAN: Because then, where the hell are you gonna steal the gloves?!


(Professor Minihan looks around wildly. Cut to Jacob sitting at his desk on his laptop in his room. He is shirtless. A lit cigarette is resting in a nearby ashtray. Behind him, a naked Renee is sitting on the bed, holding her excess weight in her hand, obsessing over it. Jacob stops typing for a second)


JACOB: Okay, I just put down Professor Minhan’s name, and now I’m sort of at an impasse in this paper.


RENEE: If you only just put down his name, you haven’t even completed MLA format yet.


JACOB: Give me time.  (Jacob grabs his cigarette, turns to her, and takes a drag. He is in nothing but underwear. Renee takes her hands off of her excess weight) What was that?


RENEE: Nothing.


JACOB: Renee, you have to stop obsessing over that.


RENEE: It’s so bad, though…


JACOB: Renee. (Jacob scoots closer) You are, maybe, ten pounds overweight. But that’s okay, you can lose it all.




(Jacob takes a drag of his cigarette)


JACOB: Diet, exercise, those are two great places to start.


RENEE: I’ve tried all that shit. And I’ll start dieting once you quit smoking.


JACOB: …Well, you’re beautiful just the way you are then.


(Jacob puts his cigarette in a nearby ashtray and climbs on top of her as she giggles and they start making out. They stop for a moment to look into each other’s eyes)


RENEE: You were my first…now I live in sin.


JACOB: We’re not living together.


RENEE: But you know what’s wicked?


JACOB: Wicked in the Boston way or wicked in the biblical way? No offense to Boston, Boston strong!

RENEE: Biblical.


JACOB: What?


RENEE: I wish we were. I wish I could just, replace your jerk roommate and be ravaged by you every day.


JACOB: If only. But you don’t need to feel bad about this, and I don’t want you to. What we’re doing is not hurting anyone, not even ourselves.


RENEE: My tattoos are judging me, Jacob!


JACOB: Your Jesus tattoo is on your back, so luckily, he can’t make eye contact with you.


(Renee giggles as Omar opens the door suddenly, causing Jacob to jump up and Renee to cover herself with a blanket)


OMAR: Jacob.


JACOB: Dude, what the fuck are you doing?!


OMAR: Sorry to interrupt-


JACOB: Why are you still here?!


OMAR: Because we need to work on the term paper for Minihan! Remember, you said we would work on it together?


JACOB: Right, but why right now?!


OMAR: Because it’s seven!


JACOB: What?!

(Jacob walks over and opens the blinds to see it’s nightfall)


RENEE: Damnit, I missed church.


JACOB: Oh that’s right, you have church on Wednesdays. You missed it?


RENEE: Yeah! Pastor Egan is going smash a cross next time I see him, he’s done it before! He has anger issues!


(Jacob is smiling)


JACOB: You missed church to fuck me.


OMAR: Wow.


RENEE: Devil man! You’re a temptress of Satan!


JACOB: No, I’m a tempter, you’re the temptress.


RENEE: Well I should go, may we have privacy?


OMAR: Fine, but don’t fuck around, we both took shifts sleeping in that class and now it has to pay off.


RENEE: Really?


JACOB: Yeah, he slept at the beginning, I slept at the end.


(Omar leaves the room as Renee gets up and starts putting her clothes on)


RENEE: Well, there is going to be hell to pay for this.


JACOB: Oh, this gets you into hell? Damn, God is petty.


RENEE: Enough!


JACOB: Sorry.


(Renee is now done putting on her clothes)


RENEE: I would kiss you, but I’m afraid my skin will sizzle.


JACOB: Let’s test that theory.


(Jacob kisses Renee passionately. After they’re done, Renee seems satisfied)


RENEE: Oh my Gosh, I’d burn forever for that.


(Cut to Davis in the KDGM room, editing interviews while Ryan stands behind him)


RYAN: What are you working on?


DAVIS: These are the student council election interviews. Watch.


(Davis presses play and Adobe Premiere plays footage of a white male student sitting behind a desk, talking to the camera. The bottom of the screen reads “Karl Copeland”)


KARL COPELAND: (Lisp) It is extremely important that I bring excellence and accessibility to a job such as Student Council President. I care deeply about the student body, and-


RYAN: You forgot to use the “delisp” option in Adobe Premiere.


DAVIS: Wow, that was a harsh joke.


RYAN: No, for real, go to options, audio and then “delisp”.


(Davis does just that and finds the delisp option)




(Davis applies the “delisp” option and plays the video)


KARL COPELAND: (No lisp) It is extremely important that I bring excellence and accessibility to a job such as Student Council President. I care deeply about the student body, and-


DAVIS: Huh. What a mean but useful application.


RYAN: Right?


(Ryan takes out his e-cigarette and takes a drag off of it. Davis then takes a drag off of his. Pan over to reveal Chance, Jon Cox and Bailey sitting at nearby computers. Chance and Jon Cox are also smoking e-cigs. Then, they hear someone come in and quickly put their e-cigs away as Mrs. Stem comes in holding her keys)


MRS. STEM: Hello.


RYAN: Hello, Mrs. Stem. How are you?


MRS. STEM: I’m good, it smells like flavored tobacco, in here.


JON COX: Flavored tobacco?


MRS. STEM: Yeah, it smells like someone was smoking a pipe of Virginia or something.


CHANCE: I don’t know where you’re getting that impression.


MRS. STEM: Well, I need to take the show.


(Mrs. Stem sits down at the computer. Jon Cox stands up)


JON COX: Alright. Well. I’ll see you niggers later.


(Jon Cox starts to walk off)




MRS. STEM: Bye, Jon. (Jon Cox leaves the room) I probably shouldn’t have responded to that.


RYAN: Yeah, probably not.


(Mrs. Stem turns around)


MRS. STEM: By the way, Mr. Johnson told me to tell you that you have some assignments you need to make up for him.


RYAN: Oh, really?


MRS. STEM: Yeah. You should go down there.


RYAN: Alright. (Mrs. Stem turns around and Ryan nervously takes a hit on his e-cig quickly stashing it away in his pocket and gliding out the door. Cut to Mr. Johnson in his classroom, on his computer. Ryan comes in) You wanted to see me, sir?


MR. JOHNSON: Yes, Ryan, come on over here.


(Ryan walks over)


RYAN: What can I do for you?


(Mr. Johnson takes out a list and hands it to Ryan)


MR. JOHNSON: This list of missing assignments, including a quiz that you never took.


RYAN: Oh, okay. When do I need this in by?


MR. JOHNSON: Tomorrow.


RYAN: But, the grading period doesn’t end until Friday.


MR. JOHNSON: Yeah, I might end before it.


RYAN: What do you mean?


MR. JOHNSON: Principal Duron thinks I’m dead. And sources tell me you’re the one who fessed up to him about me letting you guys go early.


RYAN: Mr. J, he accosted me in the hallway about it! I had no choice!


MR. JOHNSON: Doesn’t change the fact that he thinks I’m dead!

RYAN: You still haven’t explained how that happened!

MR. JOHNSON: He’s dumb is what happened. A pretty face in a tan suit with nothing above his collar. So I need to get student grades up-and quick-before the end of the grading period. And that means tomorrow is of the essence.


RYAN: Alright, fine. I’ll get it done tonight.


MR. JOHNSON: Now go tell Principal Duron that dead people smell like salmon.


(Mr. Johnson takes out his salmon key chain)


RYAN: How am I supposed to broach that subject conversationally?!


(Cut to Ryan, Davis and Bailey in the KDGM room)


BAILEY: So remember, we you have to edit the time travel skit tonight.


RYAN: Oh, fuck. I forgot about that. I thought you were editing it.


BAILEY: I did the After Effects. But the linear editing is your job, kid.


RYAN: Alright. Well, I’ll do that tonight then-fuck, I have economics homework tonight!


DAVIS: Sucks.


RYAN: Please give a less sympathetic response.




(They all turn to see a curly-haired kid in basketball shorts and a black jacket on the computer, smoking an e-cig)


CURLY-HAIRED KID: You think you have a huge workload? Try being me for more than a day. I can hardly stand that. I can’t stand it, actually.


RYAN: Yeah, Matthew, we know, your MMORPG.


MATTHEW: My freaking MMORPG! God, it’s stressful. It’s been three years and all we have is concept art and I don’t know how to code, but we’re slowly making our way to where we need to be.


BAILEY: Cool. Anyway, you need to-


MATTHEW: I have a thousand bitcoins! For this project, okay? Why am I still in high school? Oh, I don’t know, to get an education!

RYAN: Nobody asked you why you were still in high school and you don’t have a thousand bit coins.


MATTHEW: I wasn’t asking you!


(Cut to Ryan and Brennan in Chemistry class with Coin, gathered around a lab table. Their teacher, Mrs. Luferton, is holding a chemical in a beaker. A hot plate is on the table)


MRS. LUFERTON: Alright, this chemical will be used to determine the PH of the pond water. Put it on this hot plate for no longer than two minutes, okay?


(Brennan is texting)


BRENNAN: Got it, Luf-dawg.


MRS. LUFERTON: What was that?


BRENNAN: That’s my nickname for you.


MRS. LUFERTON: I don’t know if I like it.


BRENNAN: To each her own.


MRS. LUFERTON: Just remember to take that chemical off the burner when it’s time, okay?


RYAN: Got it, thanks.


(Mrs. Luferton nods and walks away)


COIN: What have you got so far?


RYAN: We’ve got “I feel like we got into this way too quickly. I’m only eighteen and I’ve got my whole life ahead of me. Plus, I like my men like I like my coffee, strong and black.” That’s what we’ve got.


COIN: That last part seems out of place.


BRENNAN: You were the one who said he was acting like a child last night! Doesn’t sound very strong to me.


RYAN: Also you said he’s black, so he’s only got one of the requirements.


COIN: …Alright, keep it in.




(Brennan sends the text)


RYAN: Holy shit, we’re ruining a marriage.


BRENNAN: Never thought I’d ruin a marriage other than my own.


RYAN: Right? Me neither!


(Coin’s phone goes off)


BRENNAN: Oh, here we go.


RYAN: What’d he say?


BRENNAN: He said “figures”.


COIN: Oh, gosh.


RYAN: Ouch. Apparently it’s typical of you to break of engagements with him.


COIN: Ugh. I feel awful.


RYAN: You shouldn’t. This is what’s best for you.


BRENNAN: For sure. He also said “I like my women like I like my coffee, atypical.”


RYAN: Well, you fit the bill there, Coin.


COIN: Piss off.


RYAN: Hey, that’s a compliment.


BRENNAN: Not in the slightest is that a compliment for someone like her. Multiple personality disorder, bipolar, depressed and engaged.


RYAN: Not anymore, remember? She’s alone now.


COIN: I’m never alone, with that army surgeon following me around all the time.


RYAN: You have a stalker?


BRENNAN: No, she’s just insane, anyway-


COIN: You don’t see him?


(Pan over to reveal an army surgeon at another lab table staring intensely at Coin, until he realizes he’s been noticed and calmly looks over a piece of paper with another student. Pan back to Ryan and Brennan)


RYAN: I thought that was a teacher’s aide.


COIN: Thank God, you see him too?!


RYAN: Yeah, don’t you, Brennan?


BRENNAN: Don’t encourage her. That’s clearly a student.


COIN: Brennan, are students usually in their early thirties?


RYAN: And are they usually that decorated?


BRENNAN: …I guess not.


COIN: Yeah. I think Mr. Black marine sent him to spy on me, make sure I’m not cheating on him.


RYAN: That’s fucked, first off, he’s cheating on his girlfriend to begin with, secondly, that guy is an unauthorized guest on school grounds, he should be arrested, or at the very least escorted out.


COIN: God…what have I gotten myself into?


(Coin starts crying and Brennan holds her close to his chest and kisses her head. Ryan rubs her back. Cut to Jacob and Omar working on this paper together, each on their laptops at their small card table)


JACOB: So, essentially, the federal government used to use the Henry Classification System to identify and catalogue fingerprints, but like everything good, that ended in the 1990s, and it was replaced by the- (Jacob looks at his computer and squints) Integrated Automatic Fingerprint Identification System.


OMAR: Right. So, how does AFIS work though?


JACOB: I guess, detectives go into this room and enter a code onto a touchscreen, put some fingerprint samples in and, holograms come up with detailed descriptions of the person who they belong to.


OMAR: No, that’s how it works in CSI shows, how does it actually work?


JACOB: They take your fingerprints when you’re born, right? Just in case you commit murder?


OMAR: I feel like new mothers might not want to hear that the government is preparing just in case their babies someday commit murder.


JACOB: I don’t know, man…


(Jacob takes out his pack of cigarettes and takes one out and puts it in his mouth and lights it, then inhales and exhales the smoke)


OMAR: Here’s another question for ya, then...what do you see in her?


JACOB: …I see innocence…just waiting to be destroyed.


OMAR: Did that sound less creepy in your head?


JACOB: No, it sounded creepier in my head. You don’t want to go in there, you might not come out. Check this out.


(Jacob takes out an empty jar labeled “Renee’s Virginity” and puts it on the table)


OMAR: …Let’s just get back to the paper.


JACOB: Don’t put coins in here, okay? Renee’s pussy smells like copper enough to begin with.


(Jacob puts the jar back under the table. Cut to Jacob in Professor Minihan’s class. Professor Minihan comes in, late)


PROFESSOR MINIHAN: I apologize for my tardiness. Faculty meeting ran long. That game of Scrabble did not help. (Professor Minihan sets his suitcase on his desk and opens it up) Alright, papers are due today, put them in this suitcase while I check my e-mail, please.


(Professor Minihan sits down and checks his e-mail as students get up and start turning their assignments in, including Jacob. Jacob turns his paper in and smiles as he returns to his desk. Cut to Ryan in his room, texting someone. Ethan comes in)


ETHAN: Ryan?


RYAN: Yeah?


ETHAN: Ryan, look at me.


RYAN: Hold on, I’m setting my alarm for midnight to so I can wish Maynard a happy 50th birthday.


ETHAN: Ryan, rock star or not, nobody who is fifty stays up until midnight.


RYAN: Fine, fine, I’ll send it to him in the morning. (Ryan puts down his phone) What’s up?


ETHAN: I’ve been getting e-mails from Mr. Johnson saying you’ve been a derelict about your assignments.


RYAN: I’ve heard that from him too, so e-mailing you is a bit redundant, but also not cool.


ETHAN: Well, he expects us to enforce his will.


RYAN: He’s gay, you know.


ETHAN: And he’s teaching KIDS-I mean, no, I don’t have a problem with that.


(Ryan smiles)


RYAN: Uh-huh.


ETHAN: Just get your shit done! I shouldn’t have to remind you that you’re graduating in just over a month! And I don’t know how many colleges you think are lining up to admit you, but we’ll see how eager they are once we get your SAT results back.


RYAN: I did well on the SAT, I’m sure of it. The real challenge was slaying a titan at the end there.


ETHAN: You guys are always talking about titans. What the hell is that, anyway?


RYAN: You wouldn’t understand.


ETHAN: And I don’t care. Listen, just get your stuff done! That’s all I have to say.


(Ethan leaves the room. Ryan looks at his screen. League of Legends is loaded on it)


RYAN: …But, video games. NO! (Ryan backs away from the computer) No, I can’t, I have to work on economics stuff. I’ll just put on my iHome and let the music guide me to knowing what Keynesian Economic Theory is. (Ryan takes out his iHome and then reaches into his pocket for his iPod, but can’t seem to find it) Damnit. Where is it? (Ryan opens a drawer) Oh shit. I know where I left it. Fuck.


(Ryan jumps up and bolts downstairs and past Ethan)


ETHAN: Ryan, where the hell are you going?!


(Ryan runs out the door and jumps into his car and starts it up real quickly. Then, calmly, he puts a Slipknot CD in and goes to track 3, “Eyeless”. Ryan then quickly backs out and speeds off down the street as Ethan runs out of the house holding a rolling pin, which he shakes wildly)


ETHAN: Damn you, Ryan!!


(Kimberly comes out)


KIMBERLY: Give me back my rolling pin!


(Cut to Ryan running up to the school as the sun is setting behind him. He takes an ID out of his wallet and puts it to the ID scanner, but it beeps red)


RYAN: Damnit. (He looks at the ID) Oh, this is my health insurance card. (Ryan takes out another ID and uses it, to no avail) Fuck, that’s a hotel key from 2007! (Ryan looks in his wallet even more until he finds his school ID) There we go, finally. (Ryan tries the ID, but it doesn’t work) Shit, that’s right, it doesn’t work after 5:30. (Sigh) God, what if the janitors got into that room and stole it? I can’t let that happen. I could not stand being responsible for someone’s deportation, even if it is just a stupid Canadian. (Ryan walks back to the parking lot to see a bunch of parents parking, as well as a bunch of kids in basketball uniforms going into the back entrances of the school) Sweet! I can get in through there. If I’m, stealthy enough. I’ll be right back.


(Pan over to Bennie Lofgren)


BENNIE: Are you saying that to anyone in particular?


RYAN: …No.


BENNIE: ‘Kay, just checking.


RYAN: Go away, Bennie.


BENNIE: Fine! I’ll just skateboard on home then!

(Bennie gets in his car and drives off)


RYAN: …Has “skateboard” become a general term for leaving? Anyway, enough talk!

(Ryan goes to his car and opens up the trunk. Cut to a line of basketball players walking through the back entrances of the school. Some coach is slapping them all on the asses with clipboards)


COACH: Alright, get in there and make your parents proud, defeat those bald Burlington bastards, huh? (Ryan is at the end of the line of basketball players walking in, and he is dressed in a Harlem globetrotters uniform, complete with a fake afro) Wow, we got some diversity on this team, I like it.


RYAN: Thank you, dawg.


COACH: You’re welcome, homes.


(Ryan walks into the school and as the basketball players head to the locker rooms, Ryan breaks off from the pack and goes into the bathroom)


RYAN: On second thought, they may have been unnecessary, but whatever. (Ryan takes off the afro to once again reveal his straightened black hair and he takes off his Harlem Globetrotter’s uniform to reveal his usual band shirt and skinny jeans. Although he still has the Harlem Globetrotters shoes) Well, I guess I’m stuck with these shoes. Oh well.


(Ryan walks out of the bathroom and walks down the hallway, only to be accosted by Principal Duron once again)


PRINCIPAL DURON: Ryan, buddy, where are you going in such a hurry?


RYAN: Oh, I need to get into the KDGM room, I left my iPod in there when I left earlier today.


PRINCIPAL DURON: That part of the school is off-limits right now, they’re trying to air the place out since Mr. Johnson died and left that salmon smell.


RYAN: Okay, he didn’t-just, alright, I need to get in there, I don’t want someone with a key to steal it.


PRINCIPAL DURON: Trust me, our janitors are classically trained guards too.


RYAN: That doesn’t make me feel better.


PRINCIPAL DURON: Well, I can’t help you there. Mr. Johnson’s evil twin brother Wario is coming to claim his brother’s body soon, so, you need to stay out of this area.


(Mr. Johnson, who is wearing a fake Wario mustache, walks over)




PRINCIPAL DURON: Wario, this is my translator, Ryan.


RYAN: Bye.


(Ryan walks away. Cut to Jacob sitting in Professor Minihan’s class on Friday. Professor Minihan walks in with a stack of papers and slaps them on the desk)


PROFESSOR MINIHAN: You know how long it took me to grade these papers, ladies and gentlemen?


(One student cups his hands on the sides of his mouth to amplify his voice)


STUDENT: How long was it?! (He looks around and smiles) What? This is a call and response routine, right?


PROFESSOR MINIHAN: Shut up, Dustin. Anyway, it took me an hour.


STUDENT 2: That doesn’t seem like enough time, actually.


PROFESSOR MINIHAN: Trust me, it’s enough time. Enough time to realize your deficiencies in essay writing. (Professor Minihan starts passing back essays) Your generation does not appreciate attention to detail, unless you’re talking about, the size of e-cigarette tanks or the size of your respective penis, sizes.


(Professor Minihan hands back Jacob’s paper0


STUDENT 2: Is it legal for you to talk about the size of our penis, sizes?


(Dustin cups his hands on the side of his mouth again, as Jacob look at his grade in horror)


DUSTIN: Is it legal?!


STUDENT 2: This is not a call and response routine!


JACOB: Professor, this grade can’t be right, I studied this issue meticulously!


PROFESSOR MINIHAN: Not meticulously enough. You had some inaccurate statements that definitely brought your grade down.


JACOB: Yeah, you say here that AFIS is no longer the system that the FBI uses to compare fingerprints!


PROFESSOR MINIHAN: Yep. It was recently replaced by the NextGen Fingerprint system. Should’ve researched more carefully.


JACOB: What? That can’t be right.


PROFESSOR MINIHAN: Well, it is. But you did better than Zachary, who thought we still measure people’s limbs to identify them.


ZACHARY: Do we measure their penis sizes to identify them nowadays?




(Cut to Jacob getting into his car. He rubs his eyes. He pulls out a lighter and ignites a small flame and looks at it. He throws the lighter in the back of his car)


JACOB: …He can’t be right. I’ve got to find this out for real. (Jacob gets up and walks into the school’s library as “Back To School” by Deftones plays. The montage shows him crouching down while running his fingers along Dewey Decimal numbers, then cut to Jacob flipping through a book on one of the library’s tables. Then cut to him drinking water from a water fountain in the library, then cut to him at one of the library’s tables, looking through two giant tomes, but then suddenly the music stops as Jacob looks up from the book) Oh yeah, the internet exists. (Cut to Jacob on his laptop at his apartment) Gad zooks, I’ve found it!


(Omar comes in holding a nook)


OMAR: Are you an 1840s scientist?


(Jacob spins his chair around)


JACOB: It turns out the NextGen fingerprinting is EVENTUALLY going to replace AFIS, but has not YET replaced AFIS. So Minihan is wrong!


OMAR: And why would I care?


JACOB: Because…you turned in a paper based on the information with one another!


OMAR: But I have that class the day after yours, so once I heard about your situation, I just changed my paper to say that NextGen was the system we used.


JACOB: Dick!

OMAR: Dude, you have to do what you have to do to get ahead.


JACOB: Well, I’m still going to call him out for this next time I see him.


OMAR: But wait, won’t he then change your grade and mark my paper down?




(Omar starts inching towards the door, as does Jacob. Eventually they both dart for the door and Omar attempts to lock it and Jacob tries to stop him. Eventually, they tackle each other to the ground. Cut to Ryan getting out of his car at school on Thursday morning. He begins walking towards the school and takes out his phone and sends a text)


RYAN: There we go! I hope Maynard appreciates that. (Ryan enters the school and walks to the front office to see Morgan) Could I get the key to the KDGM room, please?


MORGAN: Yes, just, bring it right back.


(Morgan takes a key out of a nearby drawer and opens up a locked drawer and then takes another key out of that drawer and hands it to Ryan)


RYAN: Thanks. What’s the point of having that drawer locked if you could just use the key in the unlocked drawer to get into it?


MORGAN: It’s a security measure.


RYAN: You obviously didn’t hear me, but thanks.


(Cut to Morgan taking headphones out)




(Ryan walks to the KDGM room and opens it and walks in to see Chance and Matthew vaping)


CHANCE: Hey Ryan. Care to vape with us? Matthew is putting zeroes and ones into a word document and calling it “coding” his game, it’s pretty hilarious.


MATTHEW: Fuck you, dude, it’s a notepad document.


(Ryan looks at the KDGM desk with the main computer on it)


RYAN: Where’s my iPod?


CHANCE: Pardon?


RYAN: Where the hell’s my iPod?


(Ryan looks under the keyboard, then moves a bunch of paper off the desk, then looks on other desks, and behind desks)


CHANCE: Where’d you put it?


RYAN: Gotta love hearing that gem when frantically searching for something.


CHANCE: Sorry, I just don’t know how to help you!


(Ryan faces them)


RYAN: I left it here last night!


MATTHEW: Then check there.


RYAN: …What?


MATTHEW: Sorry, nothing.


RYAN: Goddamnit. I’ll check the Lost and Found.


(Ryan walks out of the KDGM room to see Principal Duron shaking the hand of Mr. Johnson in his Wario mustache. Mr. Johnson is wearing a suit)


PRINCIPAL DURON: Welcome to the staff, Mr. Wario!


RYAN: What the hell?!

PRINCIPAL DURON: Oh, Ryan, this is our new economics and Art teacher, Mr. Wario Johnson. You met him last night. He’s replacing his late brother.


RYAN: You’re…you’re a functional human being. Right?


PRINCIPAL DURON: Ryan’s a KDGM star around here.


MR. JOHNSON: I look forward to watching your skits, Mr. Ryan.


RYAN: He got rid of his accent! And you don’t notice that?


PRINCIPAL DURON: I’ll show you to your new room, Mr. Wario.


(Principal Duron leads Mr. Johnson away as Ryan rushes to the Lost And Found. He frantically searches through its contents, only to find jackets and notebooks and loose change. Cut to Ryan and Michael in Ryan’s car in a parking lot somewhere, later that very day)


MICHAEL: So what’s your plan?


RYAN: I’m going to get all the money out of my dad’s debit card and then see where that gets me.


MICHAEL: In terms of…?


RYAN: Getting a new iPod, dumbass.


MICHAEL: Okay, I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t getting drugs to cope with the loss of your iPod.


RYAN: No, of course not! Hopefully, my dad thinks it was all just gas money, or he doesn’t notice, I don’t know.


MICHAEL: What if you don’t have enough?


RYAN: I’ll improvise.


MICHAEL: Alright.


RYAN: By the way, can you help me with economics homework? I sort of, didn’t do much of it last night because I was consumed with worry about the iPod situation.


MICHAEL: Implying economics homework. I’m in DEAP. Our economics homework is smashing rocks into pieces for Mrs. Luferton’s Zen Garden.


RYAN: Ugh. He told me to have it by today. What am I gonna do?


MICHAEL: Didn’t he, um…die?


RYAN: I know you don’t hear much from the outside world in that DEAP room, but Principal Duron is literally the only one who thinks he died. The emperor has no clothes, essentially.


MICHAEL: Does anyone know why he thinks Johnson is dead?


RYAN: No, Johnson didn’t even explain it to me.




(Cut to Ryan walking down the hallway. As he turns a corner, he sees Mr. Johnson coming out of the copy room, wearing his Wario mustache. Ryan tries to avert eye contact and walk away, but Johnson sees him)



(Ryan turns around)


RYAN: Morning, Wario.


MR. JOHNSON: Very funny, get over here.


(Ryan walks over)


RYAN: I don’t know what you mean by “very funny”, that is your name after all.


MR. JOHNSON: Did you get those papers done?


RYAN: I haven’t had your class yet, Mr. Wario, I know not what you mean, I know not.


(Mr. Johnson sighs)


MR. JOHNSON: The…deceased Mr. Johnson wanted, as his DYING wish, for you to get some assignments completed for him.


RYAN: Well…could I get them to you by the end of the day?


MR. JOHNSON: Ryan, you could’ve easily sat down last night and gotten to them-


(Principal Duron walks into the shot)


PRINCIPAL DURON: Whoa, whoa, Wario, this student is dealing with the loss of his economics teacher, be a little easy on him.


MR. JOHNSON: …Oh, of course. I’m sorry. Take your time, as long as I get them before you…graduate.


PRINCIPAL DURON: Now that’s better.


(Principal Duron pats Mr. Johnson’s back and tousles Ryan’s hair and walks away)


RYAN: What’s it like working with that imbecile?


MR. JOHNSON: Oh my God, it’s the worst. I think I’d rather be dead.


(Ryan chuckles)


RYAN: …I’ll have it you by later today.


MR. JOHNSON: …Alright. That sounds good. Thanks.


RYAN: Thanks. (Ryan and Mr. Johnson nod to one another and walk away. Cut to Ryan getting money out of an ATM. Cut to Ryan walking into a Best Buy. He walks over to the iPod section and grabs one of them and runs right up to the cashiers) How much dis?


BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: Uh, one hundred and fifty dollars.


RYAN: Fuck. I have eighty.


BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: I’ll have to speak to my manager to see if you could buy it for eighty.


RYAN: Wait, really?




RYAN: Damnit. Um…could I- (Ryan pulls out a credit card) pay you eighty dollars and charge the other seventy dollars on a credit card?


BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: I’ll have to talk to my manager. (He turns his head) DO WE ACCEPT MONEY?? (He turns back to Ryan) He says it’s fine.


RYAN: Dick.


(Ryan hands the employee the money and his card. Cut to Jacob walking into Professor Minihan’s class, which is empty, as Minihan is packing up)


JACOB: Professor! Hold on!

(Professor Minihan)


PROFESSOR MINIHAN: What is it, Jacob?


JACOB: Sir, I have some proof- (Jacob takes out a printed copy of an article) saying that AFIS has not YET been replaced by NextGen-


(Professor Minihan starts walking away)


JACOB: Sir! (Professor Minihan walks into his office, shuts the door and closes the blinds) Urgh. (Jacob swallows spit) Here goes.


(Jacob knocks on the door. Jacob knocks on the door a couple more times. Professor Minihan finally opens)




JACOB: Sir, all I want you to do is look at this paper, I just want to recover the credit I lost!




(Jacob hands Minihan the paper and Professor Minihan rips it in half and drops it in front of Jacob. Minihan goes back inside and slams the door. Jacob looks intensely at the ground as he trembles with anger. Cut to Jacob pacing around in the parking lot with a lit cigarette in his mouth)


JACOB: That stupid motherfucker, just, won’t even fucking consider the fact he might be wrong, he’s a goddamned professor, right? He’s supposed to be open-minded, not an ignorant little, fucking, cunt.


(Jacob turns around, as he’s pacing, and sees Renee)


RENEE: What was that?


JACOB: Oh, just the person I needed to see! (Jacob puts his hands on Renee’s shoulders) Professor Minihan is being a total dick! He won’t even listen to how right I am! I’m trying to prove that a part of my research paper he says is wrong, is right, and he won’t fuckin’ let me!

RENEE: Hold on. (Renee removes the cigarette from his mouth) I know this won’t solve that. (Renee throws the cigarette on the gravel and puts it out with his foot) So now that we’ve gotten that out of the way.


JACOB: How do you suggest I quit smoking, exactly?


RENEE: I don’t know, replace the habit with something else, like uh…soda?


JACOB: Great, so I’ll get diabetes instead of cancer.


RENEE: Which would you rather have?


JACOB: …I’d rather just tell you about this Minihan story.


RENEE: Alright, go ahead.


(Jacob and Renee walk away as Jacob describes the story to her. Cut to Ryan listening to “This Cold Black” by Slipknot in his room. The camera only shows his face and neck as he appears to be cutting himself with a knife, although his wrist is not seen and he is singing along to the song)


ETHAN: (Off screen) Ryan.


(Zoom out to reveal Ryan was just whittling a piece of wood. Ryan takes out his headphones)


RYAN: Yeah?


(Pan over to Ethan and Kimberly)


KIMBERLY: Why did you withdraw eighty dollars from your father’s bank account?


RYAN: …Oh. Uh, I needed gas.


ETHAN: Then why didn’t you just swipe the card?


RYAN: …It was, broken.


ETHAN: Ryan, I will NOT ask again.


(Ryan hangs his head in shame. Kimberly puts her hand over her eyes and Ethan puts his hand on her shoulder)


RYAN: …I lost my iPod, so I bought a new one.


KIMBERLY: HOW COULD YOU-wait- (Kimberly looks at Ryan) what?


RYAN: I lost my iPod and…I didn’t want you guys to know, so I tried to discreetly buy a new one.


ETHAN: Jesus, Ryan, thank God!

RYAN: What?


KIMBERLY: We thought you bought drugs with the money! (Kimberly smiles) You had that iPod for like two and a half years, and you thought THAT was going to be too shameful to admit to losing?


ETHAN: Goddamn, you scared us half to death!

RYAN: Oh. Yeah. I’ve been clean for four months, I hoped you guys would remember.


ETHAN: Ryan, don’t scare us like that again.


KIMBERLY: And be careful with the whittling knife, huh?


(Ethan and Kimberly walk away as Ryan sits there, smirking. He shrugs his shoulders and begins listening to “I Was Once, Possibly, Maybe, Perhaps a Cowboy King” by Asking Alexandria. Cut to Ryan, Michael, Brennan and Eric sitting at lunch with one another)


MICHAEL: I’m telling you, man, Sebelius resigned because Obamacare is a huge fucking failure.


RYAN: Eight million people signed up, that’s not really a failure, especially since a million of those people signed up in the last two weeks.


MICHAEL: But not all of them have paid for their new healthcare plans, alright? What if they’re signing up dead people out there, huh? Good old fashioned election fraud, healthcare-style.


RYAN: Sign up far, far too late and often.


MICHAEL: Yeah. I mean, what else could be the reason she just suddenly resigns?


RYAN: I don’t know, she wants to spend more time testifying before her family rather than Republicans auditioning for 2016.


MICHAEL: Fair point. What about this situation in Ukraine, though? All those pro-Russian groups seizing random government buildings in the Eastern region?


RYAN: Yeah, I saw that. They’ve already seized Baltic Avenue, Mediterranean and Pacific-


MICHAEL: Those are oddly American-sounding names.


RYAN: Donetsk is a new gambling hub, okay?


(Michael laughs)


MICHAEL: I’m beginning to think Vladimir Putin just wants to put on a ring and punch some bitch who doesn’t want to pay his gambling debt.


RYAN: Yeah, after he pumps him full of tranquilizers and sedatives. In fact, if we go to war with Russia over this, Putin could easily defeat all of us if we just agree to fight in a gated area where Putin gets a head start and we all down ketamine.


MICHAEL: Yeah. So, didn’t Kerry strike a deal with the EU, Russia and Ukraine saying that those militias had to get out of there?


RYAN: Yeah, but they won’t listen to anyone, especially since Putin claims he doesn’t know them personally and DEFINITELY never drink scotch, wore a turtle neck and described how he “mauled a bear once” to them.


MICHAEL: Right, but we need at least the illusion of a diplomatic solution so we can avoid war and stop talking about this for a while. Sort of like Syria. The chemical weapons thing is iffy, but we’re too busy talking about where planes are and whether or not people can survive in freezing cold South Korean water for two days straight.


RYAN: Yeah, the important questions.


BRENNAN: If I could get in a word in edge-wise.


RYAN: You haven’t attempted to speak at all during this conversation.


BRENNAN: And even now I have nothing to say.


(Coin walks over and sits down, with tears in her eyes)


BRENNAN: Coin? What’s wrong?


COIN: (Whispering) It’s Kenny.


RYAN: Your black marine ex-fiancé?


COIN: Yeah.


MICHAEL: What happened?


COIN: …He beat the shit out of me.




COIN: Yeah…I, I don’t know, it just…fuck.


RYAN: That son of a bitch. What is his name, address, phone number and biggest weakness?


COIN: I’m not gonna tell you okay?!


BRENNAN: This motherfucker hit you?!


COIN: It was a fight!


MICHAEL: Coin, couples don’t fight like this! You need to take pictures of your injuries and contact the police immediately!

ERIC: For sure.


RYAN: People get away with this shit WAY too often!


COIN: He won’t do it again, he was just really mad about me breaking off our engagement, he just-


BRENNAN: COIN! You don’t seem to understand! He hit you! This man is not good, this man, should be dead!

COIN: No, no, no, we CAN’T have this conversation! Okay?! He will KILL me if we have this conversation!


BRENNAN: Coin, let’s go down to Officer Cortez, he will protect you-


COIN: No, I have to go, okay?!


(Coin runs away)



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