The Donahues Episode 16

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan and Michelle enjoy their fledgling relationship while also dealing with Michael’s jealousy, Brennan recovers from his gunshot wound in the hospital, Michael seeks spite to deal with Ryan and Michelle, Logan and Sarah steal Counselor Vammberg’s car and Ross is a third wheel on Jacob and Kirsten’s date

Submitted: June 12, 2012

A A A | A A A

Submitted: June 12, 2012










“A damp dusky mist, you were winter, I the spring, melting into rain”

  • Unknown


(We start with Brennan in a hospital room, waking up to see Ryan and Michelle there, holding flowers)


RYAN: Hey, man.


BRENNAN: Hey, man.


RYAN: How ya feeling?


BRENNAN: Not well at all, but my nurse is hot, so there’s a plus.


RYAN: Dude, I saw your nurse and she’s like eighty.


BRENNAN: Yeah, I was just…trying to lighten the mood.


RYAN: Right. Man, are you in any trouble regarding Jim’s death?


BRENNAN: No, my dad’s lawyer, David Merkely,


RYAN: He’s good.


BRENNAN: Said the murder was in self-defense, and therefore justifiable and legal. They’re not likely to press charges.


RYAN: I see. Here’s a question, why did you go bat shit insano with the gun?


BRENNAN:  I obviously need help. Is Counselor Vammberg any good?


RYAN: She’s good in her own unique way. First off, she requires you speak German to her at any and all times during sessions, and she is oddly helpful.




MICHELLE: So did they get the bullet out?


BRENNAN: No, they said it was medically better to leave it in. It didn’t hit any vital organs, thank god.


RYAN: Wow, so you’re just going to have a bullet in your chest your whole life?




RYAN: That is…so badass.


BRENNAN: Not really, dude, I have to take pain pills, it really hurts.


RYAN: That’s so great, we should start a band based off that, called like “My Bullet Stain” or “Metal Chest”


MICHELLE: Okay, Ryan.


RYAN: Hey, you know how you said you wanted to do ecstasy and watch anime like we used to?




RYAN: Well, (Puts two anime comics on his bedside table) there’s one half of that equation.


BRENNAN: Thanks, man.


RYAN: You’re welcome.


BRENNAN: I’m glad you two are fucking now.


RYAN: We’re not, but thanks.


(Michelle and Ryan leave. Cut to an assembly hosted by Principal Maxell in the gym. All students are seated on bleachers, while he speaks from a podium with a microphone, with a big picture of Dirk Jameson behind him, with “Dirk Jameson, 1993-2012” behind him, along with a big picture of Jim, with the words “Jim Cornish, 1993-2012” behind him as well. In the back of the bleachers sit Ryan and Michelle holding hands next to Sarah and an upset looking Michael)


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Ladies and gentlemen, the passing of these fine young men named (turns around to check, the turns back) Dick Jameson and Jim Kernish is truly tragic. One went off a cliff; the other was shot in the chest. Interesting how you can be running your car towards a cliff one minute and be falling off a cliff to your death the next.


RYAN: Not…really.


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: But I warn you, any vengeance-inspired attacks to anyone involved, including the guy who killed Jim, BRENNAN SAMUEL SANFORD, will not be tolerated. He killed Jim in self-defense, and will likely not be prosecuted. Let me repeat, BRENNAN SAMUEL SANFORD WILL NOT LIKELY BE PROSECUTED FOR THE DEATH OF JAMES ALAN CORNISH!


MICHELLE: What is he doing?!


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: These two students were exemplary Hansbay High paratroopers. I believe it was the ancient philosopher Quinillius,


RYAN: Not a real person.


PRINCIPAL: Who once said, “Life is short”.


MICHELLE: Such a common phrase.


RYAN: I love your contradictory statements, Michelle


(They kiss for several seconds, while Michael cringes. Cut to Ryan twiddling his thumbs in his room a day earlier. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. He runs down stairs to answer it. He opens the door and sees Michael)


RYAN: Hey, Michael, what’s up buddy?


MICHAEL: I just went home and showered after spending several hours in a storm drain due to your brother’s dick friends.


RYAN: Yeah, they were trying to keep you away from the chicken run, sorry about that. Want to come in?


MICHAEL: Yeah, I guess. What’s so important that you need to tell me now?


(Michael comes in, and Ryan shuts the door)


RYAN: May I take your coat?


MICHAEL: I’m not wearing a coat.


RYAN: Of course, let’s go upstairs.


(Michael and Ryan ascend upstairs and go into Ryan’s room, where a table is placed in the middle of the room with two chairs)


MICHAEL: I don’t remember this being here.


RYAN: Shut the door, have a seat.


(Michael goes over to the door, shuts it, comes back and has a seat)


MICHAEL: Why are you being so formal and weird? I thought we were just going to watch The Big Bang Theory and kill ourselves every time something funny happens.


RYAN: That’s a risky game.


MICHAEL: Not really. (Ryan takes out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth) What are you doing?


RYAN: I don’t know, every time they do something stressful on MAD MEN, they fiddle with the cigarettes in anxiety; I figured I’d try it.


MICHAEL: You’re about to do something stressful?


RYAN: Yes. (He lights the cigarette and sucks in, then puts the lighter away. He then takes the cigarette out of his mouth and lets It hang off his fingers. He drags off the cigarette periodically throughout this conversation) Michael, I have some news.


MICHAEL: Yeah, I know, Brennan was shot in the chest; I heard he’s alive though? Right?


RYAN: Yes, he’s alive; it’s not that though-


MICHAEL: Yeah, I heard, Dirk and Jim are dead. That’s too bad. They were dicks, but still, it’s pretty sad.


RYAN: No, my news is-


MICHAEL: I know! You need a different paint colour for this room. Maybe a sea foam black.




MICHAEL: I understand! You need a lock of my hair in order to complete a potion that will break the spell cast by the Lord of the Underworld.


RYAN: Stop jumping to conclusions! Jesus, let me talk!




RYAN: You know I’ve appreciated your company since we met a month ago, and M. Shadows knows we have a lot of great memories.


MICHAEL: Did you just replace “God” with “M. Shadows”?


RYAN: Like when we made out in front of the Mormons at that park, the time we ruined everybody’s weekend, the time we rid my house of Japanese imperialist ghosts, the time we stole old man Johnson’s pigs and sold them for drugs.


MICHAEL: He was so mad. What about the time we drew a vagina on that statue of Mayor Sarandon at the park?


RYAN: (Laughs) That was great. Or that time we went to a 7-11 and threatened to hurt ourselves if we didn’t get a diet Dr. Pepper for free.




RYAN: I guess that was just me. The point is, we’ve had a great time, and we can still be friends, but for the time being, I have begun a relationship with Michelle Reed.




RYAN: Yeah.


MICHAEL: Well, that’s terrific.  (Michael takes out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth, while Ryan lights it. Once he lights it, he puts his lighter back and Michael drags off the cigarette. He does this periodically throughout the rest of this conversation) Where did I even get this cigarette?


RYAN: I have no idea.


MICHAEL: Anyway, this figures.  As soon as you find some random emo chick on the boardwalk, you run off with her like I’m an afterthought.


RYAN: Dude, I’ve known Michelle for almost two months, she’s not a random emo chick off the boardwalk.


MICHAEL: Well, why don’t you pass GO and collect 200 dollars, or, go straight to jail!


RYAN: Why are using Monopoly terms? Listen, Michael, you’re very important to me, and I think about you a lot, but I think about Michelle more.


MICHAEL: Well I think about you a lot too, but maybe I’ll just hook up with Brennan! See how that goes!


RYAN: Okay, now you’re just being spiteful.


MICHAEL: Well, get used to it, faggot.


(Michael puts out his cigarette in an ashtray and leaves. Cut to Jacob and Ross playing “Great Steal Mobile” in the game room at the Donahue household)


JACOB: How did this get an M rating? This is some of the mildest violence against old women I’ve ever seen. For Christ’s sakes, my foot’s not even on her neck!


ROSS: Prudes.


JACOB: Hey. (Jacob pauses the game) Listen, I received a text from Kirsten saying she wants to meet us at Town Center tonight. Are you down?


ROSS: I’m down like the stock market!


JACOB: Actually, the stock market was up today.


ROSS: Shut your mouth. But, just one question, this isn’t a date, is it? I don’t want to be the third wheel.


JACOB: Naw, man. This is just going to be three friends hanging out, no dating involved.


(Cut to Jacob and Kirsten over a candlelight dinner with Ross awkwardly sitting in between them)


KIRSTEN: Your eyes look so radiant when pressed against the luminescence of fire; your countenance is vibrant with passion as the fire of the candle reflects its mighty aura onto your brow!


JACOB: My dearest companion, your visage is one of goddesses, my mind’s eye enumerates a plethora of celestial choirs singing your praises, but yet this falls far short of truly doing justice onto your beauty.


ROSS: Can we, order?


KIRSTEN: The thought of mine lips pressed against thine makes me shake with temptation, as does thee, I presume?


JACOB: The lady’s presumption bears truth, saliva swapped betwixt our mouths induces thoughts of God’s majesty.


ROSS: Do they have Doctor Pepper here, or is it Mr. Pibb? (Kirsten and Jacob start making out, making Ross back up in his chair a little bit) You have got to be kidding me. Yep, I’m not the third wheel at all. (Jacob takes off his shirt and starts unbuckling his pants while Kirsten unbuttons her shirt and takes off her pants, Ross, along with others in the restaurant, stand up, appalled) JESUS! THIS IS A PUBLIC PLACE, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?!


(Cut to Sarah watching anime on her flat screen television in her room. She unbuttons her skinny jeans and starts to put her hand down there, when suddenly, she gets a phone call, causing her to pull her hand out in a split second. She picks up her phone)


SARAH: Hello?


LOGAN: (On the phone) Hey, it’s me.


SARAH: Kariyishi?


LOGAN: What?


SARAH: Nothing. Who is this?


LOGAN: It’s me!


SARAH: Okay, clearly, I don’t know who “me” is, so specify.


LOGAN: It’s me, Logan.


SARAH: Oh, hey Logan. What do you want?


LOGAN: I want to do something with you tonight; we haven’t gone on a date in two weeks!


SARAH: Untrue! We hugged each other in the hallway yesterday.


LOGAN: How is that a date?


SARAH: How did you get out of SPIHC and into the hallway anyway? See? We both have unanswered questions here.


LOGAN: Can we just go bowling or something?


SARAH: Ugh…???????


(SUBTITLES: God damnit, fine.)


LOGAN: What?


SARAH: I said “Sure, that sounds great.”


LOGAN: Great. Meet you there at 8pm.


SARAH: Okay.


(Sarah hangs up. Cut to Ryan and Michelle at a restaurant sitting at a table)


RYAN: Do you like this place?


MICHELLE: I don’t know, I’ve never had Liechtensteinien food.


RYAN: Well, Käsknöfle sounds food.


MICHELLE: Sounds food?


RYAN: Sounds good I said.


MICHELLE: Yeah, I don’t know what Kaswaffle is.


RYAN: Käsknöfle, and from what I can tell it consists of noodles made by squeezing a mixture of flour, water, and eggs through a perforated board. The noodles are then baked with grated cheese and a layer of fried onions and are often served with applesauce or a salad.


MICHELLE: Sounds like swamp food. Like, something a swamp monster would eat.


RYAN: Okay, well I’m getting that. What are you getting?


MICHELLE: Let me see what the waiter recommends. Garson!


(The waiter walks over)


WAITER: (Thick accent) Hello, I am Klaus, I will be waiting this table today.


MICHELLE: Well, Karl, I was wondering what you recommend.


KLAUS: Yes, I highly recommend the dog on a stick.


RYAN: …I hope to God you mean a corn dog.


KLAUS: …Yes…


RYAN: Good. So, I will have the Kafuffle, or whatever, and Michelle, what do you want?


MICHELLE: I guess I’ll have the Kaddafi too.


KLAUS: Perfection. I will be right back with your selections, sirs and madams.


(Klaus exits stage right)


RYAN: So, Liechtenstein must be a diverse and fascinating culture.


MICHELLE: Yeah, I looked it up on my phone, Liechtenstein is the smallest country on Earth, it has like 36,000 people.


RYAN: Are you serious? Hansbay has like 37,000 people! GARSON!


(The waiter walks over)


KLAUS: Yes, Mr. Donahue?


RYAN: How do you have a Liechtensteinien restaurant when Liechtenstein has so little culture to begin with?


KLAUS: It’s very difficult. That is why we have elements of Italian, German, Mexican and Asian restaurants here, too.


RYAN: How so?


KLAUS: Well, we’re owned by the mob, (Ryan and Michelle sit up in their chairs, very tense) we serve sauerkraut, we’re involved with Mexican drug cartels and we serve dog.


RYAN: Oh my God….your said it was a corn dog!


KLAUS: I say a lot of things!


(Cut to Jacob and Kirsten laying on a hill at night, with the town center in the foreground. They are staring at the moon, while Ross lays a few feet away from them)


JACOB: This is such a beautiful night for the two of us.




ROSS: You guys are making no attempt to include me in this.


KIRSTEN: That passion that you felt for me in the restaurant, why don’t you exhibit that at school?


ROSS: You guys almost got arrested!


JACOB: I don’t know, but let’s not worry about people there, let’s just enjoy this.


ROSS: You can’t just do that, whip out your genitalia and start fucking in public, you guys could’ve been charged with public fornication if penetration had taken place, and you’re also lucky Vermont law is so vague regarding public nudity.


JACOB: Well, it’s all to accommodate those naked bike rides they have in Montpelier.


ROSS: Oh, so now you talk to me?


JACOB: Hey man, it was your choice to come with us.


ROSS: No, you invited me!


JACOB: Whatever.


ROSS: Yeah. Did you guys hear Ryan and Michelle are dating?


KIRSTEN: Ryan didn’t exactly make it a secret. It was almost obnoxious how much he made it clear that he was in a relationship.


JACOB: He changed his Facebook status, told people in a status update, sent embroidered cards to all his friends and family, he made a deal with the home shopping network for them to sell commemorative plates celebrating May 29, 2012, the day Earth changed forever, because Ryan finally got a girl who can actually stand being around him for more than ten seconds.


ROSS: What do you think their Brangelina type name should be? Rachelle? Myan?


JACOB: Well, Myan works, because just like the Mayans, their relationship will probably end sometime in 2012.


(They all start laughing. Cut to Logan and Sarah at the bowling alley. Sarah is sitting on a seat, while Logan walks up to the ball dispensary. He picks up a ball and walks over to the line. He gets on one knee and holds the bowling ball to his head)


LOGAN: By the grace of God, I do proclaim this bowling ball blessed by Heaven above. (He stands up and rolls the ball, but it goes into the gutter)Agh! Fuck God!


SARAH: Jesus, Logan, don’t say that, there are people around.


(Logan walks over and sits down next to her)


LOGAN: Sorry, Sar-bear, but, that was my father’s ball, he always scored perfectly using it.


SARAH: What are you talking about? That ball was provided by the alley.


LOGAN: Yeah.


SARAH: Listen, I don’t think you could beat President Obama at bowling, so why don’t we just go to a movie or something? I could take care of you…


LOGAN: I would love to see Men In Black 3.


SARAH: I would love to take care of you…


LOGAN: I can take care of myself.


SARAH: In a movie theatre?


LOGAN: Of course I can-OHHH, you mean that?




(They start making out. A middle-aged bowling alley employee with a bald head, a mustache and a nametag reading “Colin” walks over and taps Sarah on the shoulder)


COLIN: Excuse me.


(Sarah stops kissing Logan and looks at him)


SARAH: What?


COLIN: Hi, I’m Colin.


LOGAN: That’s terrific, Colin, what do you want?


COLIN: I have something to tell you.


SARAH: Okay.


COLIN: It’s not going to be easy.


LOGAN: Out with it.


COLIN: Ms. Blumenthal, are you the owner of 2008 Toyota Corolla in the parking lot?




COLIN: Well, it’s been stolen.




LOGAN: Why are you yelling at this guy, Sarah? Also, that makes no sense.


SARAH: Damnit. I had valuable shit in there, and this guy had to fuck it up.


LOGAN: He just works here! Calm down!



LOGAN: No! Don’t do that!


COLIN: I’m going to go, sorry about your car.


(Colin walks away. Cut to Logan and Sarah in the parking lot)


LOGAN: Should we call the cops?


SARAH: No, they’ll fill out a report and never get back to us.


LOGAN: Should we call the Better Business Bureau?


SARAH: They’re the only organization more useless than the Hansbay Police.


LOGAN: How are we supposed to get to the movie theatre?


SARAH: I don’t know, maybe you should have a car.


LOGAN: I spent three years in an insane asylum; do you really think they’re going to let me drive?


SARAH: Fine, but we need to figure something out.


(Logan looks over to see a 1984 Honda hatchback)


LOGAN: Wait…I know that car, that’s Chancellor Vammberg’s car!


SARAH Chancellor Vammberg?


LOGAN: Yeah, she’s my counselor, she prefers we call her Chancellor, that upslice bitch sent me to SPIHC.


SARAH: Yeah, I think she sent Ryan there too.


LOGAN: Yeah, she did.


SARAH: You’re talking about the shitty hatchback?


LOGAN: Yeah.


SARAH: Okay, so what about that?


LOGAN: Well…(Logan looks over to her with a devious smile) a little revenge never hurt anybody, did it?


(Sarah smiles, and hugs Logan. Cut to Ryan and Michelle on the couch in the game room, making out, with the television on)


PATRICK WHITE: (From the television) The employment report for May 2012 was released by the Bureau of Labor statistics today, and it revealed shockingly weak job growth, much to the surprise of economists across the political spectrum. A mere 69,000 jobs were added in May 2012, well below the 150,000 economists were predicting and way below the 250,000 needed for a healthy job market. Unemployment also rose from 8.1% to 8.2% as more people rejoined the workforce, which appears to be the only silver lining in an employment cloud consisting mostly of tears, blood and human feces. In other news, the 9/11 commission announced a reunion tour set for this summer.


(Michelle takes the remote and turns off the television. Eventually, Ryan and Michelle stop making out and look at each other)


MICHELLE: I’m so glad that I have you, and that it all worked out like this.


RYAN: I’m glad too. Why’d you turn off the news, I’d love to hear Patrick White drone on about how fucked we are.


MICHELLE: (Giggles) Yeah, well I don’t care if unemployment’s at 25%, as long as I have you.


RYAN: Well, if we were unemployed, at least we wouldn’t have to deal with a never-ending stream of vain emo kids all day.


MICHELLE: (Giggles) Like you’re one to talk.


RYAN: (Chuckles) Yeah, well, I’ve changed.


MICHELLE: I hope so. But, I do think there is still a loose end to tie up.


RYAN: What?


MICHELLE: A loose end named Michael Bingaman, and we need to take care of him.


RYAN: … Do you want me to have him killed?


MICHELLE: No, but he’s clearly jealous!


RYAN: Why do you think that?


MICHELLE: I could sense the envy in him at the pep rally today.


RYAN: That was a death rally, not a pep rally!


MICHELLE; Whatever, I can tell he’s jealous because I know you guys used to-


RYAN: Don’t.


MICHELLE: Just, take care of it!


RYAN: Fine! I already told Michael the sitch, and he was livid.


MICHELLE: Well, that’s great.


RYAN: He said he’s going to hook up with Brennan to spite me.


MICHELLE: How is that spiting you?


RYAN: Brennan and I used to-




RYAN: Yeah, well he was angry.


MICHELLE: Well, Brennan’s in the hospital, what is he going to do, make out with his IV?


RYAN: Yeah, but Brennan’s not going to be in the hospital forever.


MICHELLE: Unless he goes into a coma.


RYAN: Why would you say that?


(Michael walks in)


MICHAEL: Hey guys.


(Ryan and Michelle gasp)


RYAN: How’d you get in here?


MICHAEL: I have my ways.


MICHELLE: What are those ways?


MICHAEL: Your door was unlocked.




MICHAEL: Anyway, I got three tickets to the 9/11 Commission reunion tour, and I’m thinking about who I want to take…hmm…me, of course. Two more, though. How about Ryan and Michelle?


RYAN: Really?


MICHAEL: No, I mean Ryan Gillespie and Michelle Harris. Sorry.


(Pan over to Ryan Gillespie and Michelle Harris, an average look boy and girl)




MICHELLE HARRIS: I’m going to request “Bin Laden Determined to Attack US”


RYAN: How did you people get in here?!


RYAN GILLESIE: The door was unlocked.


RYAN: Yeah, but you somehow managed to sneak past us unnoticed to the right side of this couch!


MICHAEL: The point is, you two can’t go.


MICHELLE: Why would we want to go to that anyway? That would just be really depressing, and it also sounds kind of offensive.


MICHAEL: Well, to add insult to injury,


RYAN: Wasn’t that the anthrax attacks?


MICHAEL: I am also giving my remaining two tickets to the upcoming Damned Cuckold concert at the Hansbay Civic Center to Sarah and Logan.


RYAN: You wouldn’t.


MICHAEL: I would and I will and I have.


MICHELLE: So you will do it, and you already have done it?


MICHAEL: Correcto. See you later, faggots. I’m going to see Men In Black 3.


(Michael exits stage left. Ryan Gillespie and Michelle Harris exit stage left as well. Kimberly walks upstairs and goes into the game room)


KIMBERLY: Who were those people?


RYAN: I don’t know, but Michael’s being a little bitch.


MICHELLE: He’s jealous of us and now he’s not inviting us to a concert out of spite.


KIMBERLY: Listen, I’m on the HOA council, so I know all about spite. And those crazy bitches like to serve spite in the form of vapid gossip.


RYAN: Well, there’s something.


MICHELLE: The only problem is, I honestly don’t know how we can damage Michael’s reputation any more than he already has. We might as well sit back and watch him destroy himself.


RYAN: The only problem is, I care about him and he has those tickets.


KIMBERLY: Just, teach him a lesson.


RYAN: Hmm...


(Cut to Logan driving Counselor Vammberg’s car with Sarah in the passenger seat)


LOGAN: This is so awesome!


(Sarah opens her glove box)


SARAH: She has posters covered with the Chinese symbol for eternity in here.


LOGAN: Isn’t that a swastika?


SARAH: You could call it that, yeah.


LOGAN: What else would you call it?


SARAH: Jesus, her ash tray is overflowing.


(Cut to the movie theatre. Logan and Sarah are watching Men In Black 3 and Logan has a bucket of popcorn on his lap, which Sarah is eating profusely. Logan is smiling)


SARAH: (Whispering) Hey, why don’t I just take the bucket, you don’t seem to be eating any popcorn.


LOGAN: I don’t like popcorn!


SARAH: Okay, so let me take the bucket!


(Sarah grabs the bucket, but Logan holds it down)




SARAH: Why not?!


LOGAN: I want it here!


SARAH: Just give it to me!


(Sarah pulls the bucket away, which cuts Logan’s penis because it was in a hole cut in the bottom of the popcorn)


LOGAN: Agh! Fuck! This is NOT what’s supposed to happen!


SARAH: Jesus, is it okay?


LOGAN: It really freaking kills right now.


SARAH: Why would you try the penis in the popcorn thing, I said I was going to take care of you anyway!


LOGAN: I just always wanted to try it!


SARAH: (Sigh) Well, maybe I could make it feel better.


LOGAN: Yes, please.


(Sarah begins masturbating Logan. Cut to Jacob, Kirsten and Ross a couple rows back)


JACOB: Shh! God, could those people be any louder?


KIRSTEN: I know, I hate people like that.


ROSS: You guys are talking pretty loud yourselves, you know that right? (Kirsten and Jacob start making out) Wow. I’m gonna-I’m gonna go get a refill of my Dr.Pibb, so….yeah, fuck you guys.


(Ross gets up and walks down the stairs and runs into Ryan and Michelle)


ROSS: Oh, hey Ryan, hey Michelle.


RYAN: Hey, Ron.


ROSS: Ross.


RYAN: Yeah, are you here with Michael?


ROSS: Who’s Michael?


RYAN: Black hair, emo, but with looser jeans and tan skin? Are you here with him?


ROSS: Obviously not, since I don’t know who he is.


MICHELLE: Well, who are you here with?


ROSS: Jacob and Kirsten, I’m the third wheel, and I’m running over road kill.


RYAN: That’s too bad. Have you seen Michael?




MICHELLE: Hey, I see Logan and Sarah over there!


RYAN: Oh yeah, I do too. Wait, so Jacob, Kirsten, Logan, Sarah, Michael, Ross, Michelle and I are all here?


ROSS: I guess.


(Scott comes over with a bag of popcorn)


SCOTT: I’m here, too!


RYAN: Nobody gives a shit, Scott, go away.


(Scott walks away, dejected)


MICHELLE: Well, let’s find Michael.


RYAN: Nice to see you, token black kid.


(Ryan and Michelle walk away, leaving Ross confused. Cut to Michael sitting alone on one side of the theatre. He has a bucket of popcorn on his lap. Michelle and Ryan walk over to him)


RYAN: Hey, buddy.


MICHAEL: What are you two doing here?


MICHELLE: We’re here to show you something.


RYAN: I can’t wait to see it. In fact, give me that popcorn.


(Ryan takes the popcorn from Michael, and it cuts his penis, since it was through a hole in the bottom)


MICHAEL: AGH! Fuck! Why?


RYAN: Ugh, dude, why would you do the penis in the popcorn thing, you’re not even with anyone!


MICHAEL: I get lonely!




(Michael puts his penis away)


MICHAEL: What do you want?


RYAN: Well, we bribed the film room operator to show you this preview of the upcoming 9/11 Commission reunion tour you’re so excited about. JOSH! ROLL IT!


(Cut to the screen. Will Smith and Josh Brolin are talking in the office)


WILL SMITH: Agent K, after Earth, I am legend, and the pursuit of happiness will hitch me to the secret life of bees. This means war when saving face makes me lose seven pounds on Lakeview Terrace. Bad Boys two.


(The film then switches to an image of the 9/11 Commission seal)




(The Space Jam theme plays and the scene cuts to a stage with thousands of screaming fans)




(Thomas Kean, Lee Hamilton, Richard Ben-Veniste, Fred F. Fielding, Jamie S. Gorelick, Slade Gorton, Bob Kerrey, John F. Lehman, Timothy J. Roemer and James R. Thompson come onstage. Thomas Kean goes up to the microphone)


THOMAS KEAN: Hello, ladies and gentleman, any requests?




THOMAS KEAN: Well, President Bush received a memo in early August 2001 regarding the possibility of a terrorist strike on the United States directed by Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden, and if the Government had acted on that, the tragedy could’ve been prevented. (The civic center goes silent) So…this was a really bad idea, on second thought.


(Cut to Ryan)


RYAN: You know what? He’s right! JOSH! CUT THE FILM!


(Josh peers out the window)


JOSH: Will I still get paid?




(Josh cuts the film and it goes back to Will Smith and Josh Brolin talking in the office)


JOSH BROLIN: Well, the people speak true grit in the gangster squad, and there, you will meet a tall dark stranger in the valley of Elah, which is no country for old men. Wall Street: Money never sleeps.


(Cut back to Ryan, Michelle and Michael)


MICHAEL: What was the point of that?


RYAN: At the end of the film, we were going to list you as a possible suspect, along with Osama Bin Laden, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and others.


MICHAEL: Jesus, man!


RYAN: Yeah, it was a bad idea.


MICHELLE: We were trying to get back at you for not giving us those tickets.


MICHAEL: Yeah, that would not make us equal at all.


RYAN: Yeah, you’re right. But don’t you see now how stupid and Tom Petty all this spite stuff is?


MICHAEL: Yeah, I guess I was being petulant.


MICHELLE: Yes. At least we’ve learned our lesson. Don’t spite your ex-boyfriend, it only leads to trouble.


RYAN: Also, don’t blame your friends for 9/11.


MICHAEL: Unless your friend happens to be a terrorist.


(Jacob, Kirsten and Ross walk over to them)


JACOB: We’ve learned our lesson, too.


ROSS: Don’t ignore your friend just because your girlfriend is around.


JACOB: No; don’t invite your friend on a date with your girlfriend.


MICHAEL: What a bunch of trivial lessons we’ve learned today!


(Ross sighs. Logan and Sarah walk over)


RYAN: What did you two learn?


LOGAN: Nothing, really. We stole Chancellor Vammberg’s car and got away with it.


RYAN: Holy shit, you stole Chancellor Vammberg’s car?! That’s awesome!


LOGAN: Yep, and she is far to the right.


RYAN: Like, Rick Santorum extreme conservative?


LOGAN: No. Way further to the right.


RYAN: Ohhhh, so like Tom Tancredo.




(Counselor Vammberg enters the theatre and runs up the stairs)


COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Du verdammte Jude, mein Auto zu stehlen! Ich zeige Ihnen die Macht der chinesische Symbol für die Ewigkeit!


(SUBTITLES: You goddamn Jew, stealing my car! I'll show you the power of the Chinese symbol for eternity!)


LOGAN: Whoa!


(Counselor Vammberg tackles Logan, while the rest watch)


SARAH: Jesus! Counselor! Get off of him!


RYAN: Ohh! Also das ist, wie weit nach rechts sie ist.


(SUBTITLES: Ohh! So that’s how far to the right she is)


(Fade to black)



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